Wednesday, May 31, 2006

"Model Lust" review

Model Lust (2003)
AKA The New Girl

Directed by Frederick Morehouse
Writing credits Connie Milton

Juliana Kinkaid.... Arielle Fleming (as Juliana Kincaid)
April Flowers.... Tracy (as Diana Espen)
Holly Hollywood.... Sheri
Mary Carey.... Liza

I saw this on cable the other night. A lot of the girls in "Model Lust" looked familiar to me. I swore I had seen some of them before. The IMDb to the rescue! The blonde with the extra large breasts was Mary Carey, former California governor candidate. She does good work. Her scene with the other long haired blonde, (Holly Hollywood), was the highlight of the movie. The main blonde was unknown to me until I consulted the IMDb. Now I know that Juliana Kinkaid has been in many, many hardcore pornos. That's news I can use. Juliana's blonde cousin in "Model Lust" was none other than April Flowers aka Diana Espen aka Elizabeth Short. I saw April in "Cheerleader Massacre" and always wanted to get some more Flower power.

So this blonde, (Kinkaid), moves to Hollywood. She hooks up with her cousin April. April decides to show her how a blonde is meant to live in Hollywood: Sex, fashion shoots, and more sex. Soon Kinkaid finds herself entangled in some asinine storyline about spies or something. It's best to ignore all of that gibberish and concentrate on the naked women. "Model Lust" is a decent late night softcore flick. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 blondes in Hollywood

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" review

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

Directed by Mike Bigelow
Writing credits Harris Goldberg Rob Schneider

Rob Schneider.... Deuce Bigalow
Eddie Griffin.... T.J. Hicks
Jeroen Krabbé.... Gaspar Voorsboch
Til Schweiger.... Heinz Hummer

My cousin and I went out to see this one. He was moving to New York and I wanted to send him on his way with a fine film to remember me by. I hope I didn't scar him too badly. He'll never come back now.

"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" is the very definition of desperately unfunny. This movie strains itself to be amusing. I wanted to like it. I really did! Generally speaking, I like stupid comedies. This movie was not even remotely funny. Stupid? Yes. Funny? No. I loved the first "Deuce Bigalow". I saw it twice in the theaters and I laughed my head off each time. This one did not work.

The first "Deuce Bigalow" had Deuce becoming a prostitute to get himself out of a financial jam. In the first flick, he dated various freaky women who couldn't land a date with anyone else. In this one, he goes to Amsterdam to help his buddy T.J. out and dates various freaky women. Sounds about the same right? The problem is that his dates are played for disgusting laughs instead of laughing at the awkwardness of Bigalow's dating skills. One of his dates has a hole in her neck. She takes a sip of wine, she has a hole in her neck…you see where this is going. Nowhere funny that's for sure.

"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" is no good. It tries too hard to be disgusting. Don't see it. It's not funny. Go rent the first movie and laugh. This one will only cause you pain.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 freaky dates

Monday, May 29, 2006

"Jaws" review

Jaws (1975)

Directed by Steven Spielberg
Writing credits Peter Benchley

Roy Scheider.... Police Chief Martin Brody
Robert Shaw.... Quint
Richard Dreyfuss.... Matt Hooper
Lorraine Gary.... Ellen Brody
Murray Hamilton.... Mayor Larry Vaughn

"Jaws" is the king of all monster movies. There is no one better. Filmmakers have tried to match the horror of this movie and have not even come close.

"Jaws" is a perfect movie. There is not one scene that drags or is unneeded. I could watch it a hundred times and not get sick of it. A great white shark is the closest thing you can get to a real monster on Earth and this movie maximizes on the terror a huge beast like that swimming amongst bathers can create. I can't say enough good things about this movie.

The first half of the movie is a horror flick with Jaws stalking his prey. Sheriff Brody tries to convince the mayor that they have a monster swimming off shore. The second half is an action flick with the three main characters going out to sea to hunt Jaws down. The action and suspense scenes are top notch.

The interaction between the three characters at the end is what elevates this movie above others. A common complaint on horror/action films is "lack of character development". "Jaws" succeeds in creating three characters that I liked and cared about. When Jaws goes for the kill at the end, you're filled with dread for Brody, Hooper and Quint as the giant beast wants to tear them apart. All in all, "Jaws" is an outstanding film. A must see for any movie fan.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 perfect killing machines

"Sapphire Girls" review

Sapphire Girls (2003)

Directed by Joe Navilluso
Writing credits Ted Newsom

Mary Carey.... Ruby
Jodie Moore.... Jade Dunbar
Elizarah.... Chrystal Diamond - Sapphire Girl
Nicole Oring.... Ilona

Another late night softcore adventure. I was up. Cinemax was on. "Sapphire Girls" was the next flick. Mary Carey was in it. I had a decision to make. Was it "Sapphire Girls" time or bedtime? What else could I do but watch? In the first ten seconds, Carey is having sex with a guy in her trailer. It didn't take long before I knew that I had made the right decision.

So Carey and friends are in an all-girl rock band. They get hired by some rich guy to play at his mansion. The rich guy has a dastardly scheme to distract the viewer from the softcore sex action. I stayed strong and ignored his gibberish. Everybody gets naked and a good time was had by all.

The best scene was Mary Carey having sex with a guy in the shower. That woke me up. Carey knows her stuff. However, the one thing that bugged me about this one was the band. Why didn't the all-girl band have some all-girl sex? That was the one scene I kept waiting to see but I was denied. It makes sense doesn't it? That scene should have been in the movie, right? Right? Oh well. I guess I'll live.

Guess what I'll be dreaming about tonight?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hard rocking Marys

Some other Sapphire girls. They rock too.

"The Foreigner" review

The Foreigner (2003)

Directed by Michael Oblowitz
Writing credits Darren O. Campbell

Steven Seagal.... Jonathan Cold
Max Ryan.... Dunoir
Harry Van Gorkum.... Jerome Van Aiken
Jeffrey Pierce.... Sean Cold

This movie taught me an important lesson: I should listen to the user comments. Before renting "The Foreigner", I read some of the user comment summaries on the IMDb. I didn't expect them to be too positive. I was surprised to see that they were not only negative but vehemently so. I rented it anyway while muttering that one phrase that has begun so many painful movie watching experiences: "How bad can it be?"

This movie is an abomination. It is right down there with "Ticker" as the worst Seagal flick ever. I thought "Fire Down Below" was horrid when that came out. That movie was genius compared to this one. At least in "FDB" he was fighting. Seagal doesn't fight anymore! He does not and CANNOT do martial arts anymore!! This is the overriding problem with recent Seagal movies. The camera does most of the fighting for him. It will either go in slow motion or super fast speed so we can't see what in the heck he is doing. Notice how Seagal is always wearing a jacket or a long coat? This is so we don't see his current body shape. I think they'll be putting him in cold settings from now on. Get ready for Steven Seagal in "Hard to Freeze: Antarctic Ranger!"

"The Foreigner" has many other problems too numerous to mention. It was an incoherent mess. Buildings were blowing up for no apparent reason, people were getting shot with silencers for some reason, the bad guy kept smoking through it all and Seagal was wheezing. I was wheezing too after this mess. Don't see this junk. It will only hurt your memories of better Seagal movies. See "Marked for Death" or "Under Siege". Those were good movies. "The Foreigner" is awful.


Sunday, May 28, 2006

"Flesh for Olivia" review

Flesh for Olivia (2002)

Directing and Writing credits William Hellfire

Misty Mundae
A.J. Khan
Julian Wells

What is Seduction Cinema going to do when Misty Mundae gets bored with kissing girls, finds religion or is generally not interested in starring in these movies for them? I am nowhere near a fan of hers but even I can tell that she is carrying them. Even people who don’t normally watch these kinds of movies know who she is. I was in a video store the other day when two middle aged women starting talking about “Spiderbabe”. It went something like this:

First woman: Look at this stupid movie, “Spiderbabe”.

Second woman: I’ve seen that.

First woman: You’ve seen it? Where?

Second woman: It was on HBO or Cinemax. One of those channels.

First woman: Oooh…Misty Mundae. I’m about ready to slap her.

See what I mean? Here’s another example: My cousin, who sees about three movies a year, knows who Misty Mundae is. He’s upset with me for all of my negative comments about her. “Why can’t you just let her disrobe in peace?” He thinks she makes the best softcore movies on cable with “Lord of the G-Strings” being his favorite.

For God’s sake, look at me! There’s no actress I’ve written about more than Misty Mundae. She pushes a button in me. Being an unashamed fan of girl/girl softcore flicks, I keep getting drawn back to Seduction Cinema. And there’s Misty Mundae waiting for me, with her pale skin and flat chest. Since she doesn’t look like the usual overdeveloped California porn star, I think she clicks with most normal people out there. She clicks in the wrong way with me as I am continually baffled by her presence in these movies. But I concede that she is very popular among the normal viewers out there.

All of this brings me to “Flesh for Olivia”. The IMDb tells me that this movie was made back in 2002 and is just now being released in 2006. I hope Seduction Cinema has some more of these acorns stored up because when Mundae leaves the scene, it’s going to be a long, cold winter for them.

“Flesh for Olivia” is by far the sleaziest, most lowdown Misty Mundae movie I’ve seen yet. The marketing department must have thought it needed some more sleaze to sell it so they stuck Misty on the cover wearing pigtails, tied in a pink ribbon, and had her flash her white panties. Nice and sleazy. Olivia is a bad girl. Emphasis on girl.

Olivia, (Mundae), is in the service of a weirdo named Claudio. He likes to watch Olivia with other girls. But what really gets him off is watching Olivia strangle the girl. This leads to complications as sometimes Olivia plays a little too rough and ends up killing her partner. Olivia is on the run from Claudio and finds shelter with AJ Khan and then Julian Wells. I wonder what’s going to happen next…

On the one hand, I have to give “Flesh for Olivia” some points for trying to be a seriously sleazy flick. Many fetishes are touched on in this one. Asphyxiation is the main one as Mundae takes great delight in strangling women. Smoking seems to be another fetish that “Flesh for Olivia” touches on as there are many scenes of women smoking, sometimes in slow motion. Shoes and feet are kissed and licked as well. This movie wants all the sleaze it can get.

My problem with “Flesh for Olivia” is that none of those fetishes do it for me. Claudio gets his kicks and I have my own. For me, the payoff is seeing the women together in hot sex scenes. In that regard, “Flesh for Olivia” is hit and miss. AJ Khan and Mundae have two scenes together. They’re both OK. One has Mundae giving Khan a massage which segues into some futon action. The other is a show for Claudio. Claudio, with his vacant, drooling stare, kind of ruined that one for me. Julian Wells has two terrible sex scenes with a skinny English girl who looked like she was going to pass out. It was the first time I have ever fast forwarded through a Wells love scene. But she bounces back with two good scenes with Mundae at the end of the movie. Those two definitely have something special together. Dare I say chemistry? Yes, I dare. So overall, “Flesh for Olivia” is more for a hardcore fetish fan than the run of the mill sofcore viewer. There were parts I liked but overall it didn’t really do it for me. Of course this movie reminds me of the most worrisome thing about me. I say I don’t like Misty Mundae and yet I keep watching her movies. I have to admit, she’s a porn star paradox that I find endlessly fascinating. She’s a bad, bad girl who makes some bad, bad movies and I still can’t stop watching. Ahh, why fight it? As long as she keeps showing up in girl/girl movies, I know I will keep watching.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Seduction queen Mundaes

"From Dusk till Dawn" review

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Directed by Robert Rodriguez
Writing credits Robert Kurtzman Quentin Tarantino

Harvey Keitel.... Jacob Fuller
George Clooney.... Seth Gecko
Quentin Tarantino.... Richard Gecko
Juliette Lewis.... Kate Fuller
Ernest Liu.... Scott Fuller
Salma Hayek.... Santanico Pandemonium
Cheech Marin.... Border Guard/Chet Pussy/Carlos

"From Dusk till Dawn" is neatly divided into two parts. The first half is a crime/road movie. The second half is a showcase for gruesome special effects. Put both parts together and you have an excellent vampire slaughter flick.

Clooney and Tarantino are the Gecko brothers. They are on the run from a bloody bank robbery. They nab some hostages and bolt for Mexico. Once there, they decide to kick back in a strip club. Too bad for them it's loaded with vampires. The slaughter begins.

I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It's obvious that the first part of the movie exists only to give the strip club massacre scenes some counterweight. "From Dusk till Dawn" has only one purpose: To show off the gory special effects as vampire after vampire gets impaled, melted, killed, destroyed etc. Fine with me. A good time was had by all.

One last thing, Salma Hayek gives the greatest strip club performance ever. She doesn't even get naked. Now that's quality.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Salma stripteases

"Survivors Exposed" review

Survivors Exposed (2001)

Directed by Doug Hoffman
Writing credits Jimmy Diblanket Randolph Kret

Julie K. Smith.... Ruby Sparrow
Shauna O'Brien.... Babbette Laroux
Aimee Sweet.... Angela Adams
Alexus Winston.... Cheryl church
Aria Giovanni.... Monica Snatch

I never thought looking at topless women could be boring until I saw "Survivors Exposed". I rented it because I saw that Julie Smith was in it. Naturally, I wanted to see her take her titanic top off. She did not disappoint me. In fact, she was the first girl to let her breasts bounce free. What a sight they are. Soon all of the other Survivor chicks will get back to nature and fling off their unnecessary bikini tops. Once the cast has all gone topless, the movie faces an incredibly perplexing question: Now what? "Survivors Exposed" has no answer.

Only a great fool would take the time to criticize this movie for being a thrown together piece of nothing. "Survivors Exposed" was slapped together to give the less fortunate males of our society a glimpse at some hard bodied California women. The movie exposes itself at the very end as being nothing more than a commercial for the cast member's websites. Each girl gets to give out their website address where we can go for more sexy pictures, more video images, and more, more, more! Yeesh. I mean, come on. Don't you think that the goobers who rent this know exactly where to go for their continued viewing pleasure?

One last thing, there is actually a section of the DVD called OUTTAKES. Listen closely my friend, this whole movie is an outtake. They turned the camera on and hoped a movie would magically appear on the other side. No such luck.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 exposed Survivors

In the spirit of this film, I give you more, more, more of all of the Survivor women.

Julie K. Smith - #1 Survivor

Aria Giovanni

Alexus Winston
Aimee Sweet

Shauna O'Brien

More, more, more Julie K Smith! Still the best.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

"I Like to Play Games Too" review

I Like to Play Games Too (1999)

Directed by Edward Holzman

Writing credits David Keith Miller Edward Holzman

Maria Ford.... Suzanne
Bobby Johnston.... Dominick
Kim Dawson.... Mona
Stephanee LaFleur.... Tracy
Catalina Larranaga.... Burglar 1
Nancy O'Brien.... Burglar 2

“I Like to Play Games Too” is about Maria Ford playing games. She gets introduced to a guy who likes to play games too. He wants her to run an ad campaign for his gentlemen clubs. She can’t wait to take him on. Soon they will start playing mind games with each other to see who the dominant player is. This leads to a lot of teasing and S&M type situations. Maria doesn’t like to lose.

“I Like to Play Games Too” is not the type of skin flick that I usually like. I’m not really into domination, mind games, S&M etc. I’m a real meat and potatoes kind of guy. Just give me a large breasted horny woman and I’m happy. Who wouldn’t be? S&M flicks really depend on the actors being convincing which is usually a hard thing to attain in the softcore genre. That is why I’m very happy to tell you that I enjoyed this flick because of one person. I think you know who it is.

That’s right. Maria Ford! If there was an Academy Award for best softcore performance, Ford would have won it for “I Like to Play Games Too”. She is unbelievably hot in this movie. She also gives it her all as a dominatrix and then has the tables turned on her and makes a great slave. She also starts acting like a shy little girl in a bathtub scene, which I would normally find very annoying, but she pulls it off. What I’m saying is Maria plays all the games very well. [Singing] Oh Maria, Maria I adore you…

So if you’re a Maria Ford fan, this is a must see. Ford is in almost every scene and she is either dressed to kill or is in the middle of another sex game. That’s another thing. A lot of the sex scenes start and then end prematurely because some games are just meant to tease. I thought that would get really old quickly but Maria makes it work. I enjoyed myself.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 dominant Fords Kim Dawson is in this one too. She skips the games and has a sex scene right at the beginning. In fact, right on the couch Ford is sitting on.

Yes Mistress! Tease me!

More games.

Games with guns (and Catalina).

"Lust for Frankenstein" review

Lust for Frankenstein (1998)

Directed by Jesus Franco
Writing credits Kevin Collins Jesus Franco

Michelle Bauer.... Goddess - The Creature
Lina Romay.... Moira Frankenstein
Analía Ivars.... Abigail
Amber Newman.... Stripper

I rented "Lust for Frankenstein" because I saw that Michelle Bauer was in it. I'm not the biggest Jess Franco fan in the world but I figured Bauer could save the day as she usually does. I also saw that Lina Romay was going to play the mad scientist. Romay and Franco doing a movie together usually means that sex and sleaze are not far behind. So it was with high hopes that I rented this flick.

It takes a brave man to film Lina Romay having sex these days. It takes an even braver man to watch it. Romay gets the hots for Bauer and they go at it. I felt really dirty and confused watching this scene. Part of me was loving it, (the Bauer side), and part of me was baffled, (Romay…Why?). Some older women still have their looks and watching them get down and dirty can be a huge turn-on. Watching Lina Romay, with her double-wide hips and crew cut, smother Michelle Bauer was not what good times are made of. Bauer still has the body but Romay needs to step aside. She had a good run at being a sex star but it's time to stop.

As for the rest of the movie, Franco was up to his usual incoherent ways. Romay gets naked with some other people and Bauer gets jealous. It's all jumbled nonsense with a good helping of nudity. Even if you're a Bauer fan, this one will really test you. You'd be better off letting this one go.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Bauer Monsters

"Dangerous Pleasures" review

Dangerous Pleasures (2003)

Directed by Madison Monroe
Writing credits David Ciesielski

Jacy Andrews.... Valerie Spiro
Collin Hughes.... Mike Raymer
Burke Morgan.... Grady Kent
Monica Mayhem.... Jules

I saw this on cable the other night. "Dangerous Pleasures" is all about a hot blonde having sex. The first scene in the movie has a hot blonde having sex. Look closely at her. Let your eyes roll all over her body. Do you like what you see? If the answer is yes, you'll love this movie. If she doesn't do it for you, skip this one.

So a hot blonde has buried six husbands. She's the blonde black widow. A horny cop and an even hornier insurance investigator are on the case. They need to have sex with the widow to see if she killed her husbands. When that tactic doesn't work, they have a little more sex with her. Soon friend will turn into foe as hot blonde sex will drive any man insane.

Jacy Andrews is the movie. If you want to see her have lots and lots of sex, this is the movie for you. As for me, I found her reasonably attractive. I don't think I would have gone over the deep end for her like these two guys. Or would I? She did have some nice legs. Hmmm…. Overall, I found her nonstop sex marathon a pleasant way to spend an hour or so. If you're up late one night and looking for a skin flick, you could do worse than "Dangerous Pleasures".

SCORE: 2 out of 4 blonde black widows

"House of Wax" review

House of Wax (2005)

Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra
Writing credits Charles Belden Chad Hayes

Elisha Cuthbert .... Carly Jones
Chad Michael Murray .... Nick Jones
Brian Van Holt .... Bo/Vincent
Paris Hilton .... Paige Edwards

"House of Wax" is a gory slasher movie with hot women doing stupid things. How did they know? Any movie that has blonde babes running for their lives from a maniac must be good on some level. This flick delivers the blood and guts I was hoping it would.

So a bunch of teens take a road trip to see a football game. They take a detour and end up in a small town with a wax museum. The rest of the movie writes itself as the psycho caretaker can't wait to wax them all. It has screaming, chases, blood, guts, Hilton in her underwear, and wax. Lots of wax. It has it all. If you like stupid slasher flicks, you'll get into "House of Wax".

The first thing you'll have to swallow is that a house made of wax could still be standing after baking in the Louisiana swamp all day. They must rebuild it every night. Cuthbert keeps ending up in places she should never be, like hiding inside a maniac's house when she should be running for her life. Of course, all of this nonsense doesn't bother me if the movie has the proper amount of gore. I'm happy to tell you that there is some fine ripping and tearing in this one. "House of Wax" is worth a look.

One last thing, there were only two things missing from this movie. One, there were no naked breasts. Cuthbert wears a wife beater and Hilton strips to her underwear but we get no breasts. Second, Paris does not enter the House of Wax. I found that disappointing since I was hoping to see a scene where she gets turned into a mannequin. She should have been strapped into a chair, sprayed with wax and then left on display. It would have been a Hilton house of horror.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot women running from maniacs

And let's not forget about Elisha Cuthbert. Run Elisha run! My God, she can pout with the best of them.