Saturday, December 17, 2005
Season of the Hunted (2003)
Directed by Ron Sperling
Writing credits Phil Faicco
Muse Watson.... Frank
Timothy Gibbs.... Steve
Suzy McCoppin.... Jennifer (as Suzie McCoppin)
"Season of the Hunted" is about a couple of New York guys fighting with a couple of country boys. Five city guys head to the woods and hook up with seven bumpkins for some bow hunting. After two long scenes of the city guys laughing like hyenas at every lame joke, they finally head to the woods for some hunting. The city boys are betrayed as the country guys want them to squeal like a pig. The rest of the movie is a bow and arrow massacre as arrows fly, blood spurts, and guys squeal.
Do you like seeing arrows stick out of a person's body? If you answered yes, rent this movie immediately. If arrow gore doesn't do it for you, skip this one. "Season of the Hunted" is completely predictable. The bad hunters turn on the city guys with lightning speed and proceed to hunt them down. While there was some decent gore effects, there really isn't much excitement or tension in this flick. I knew what was going to happen at every step of the way. After the fourth arrow hit its target, I knew the movie was out of surprises.
B-movie all the way, "Season of the Hunted" might be good for some cheap arrow thrills but not much else. Oh, and there is a quick sex scene at the beginning with a blonde and the main hunter. It's always smart to start off a movie with a sex scene. The blonde seems to know her stuff. And knows it very well.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for massive arrow hunting attacks
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Directed by Brett Piper Writing credits Brett Piper
Julian Wells.... Teresa Razzini
Erika Smith.... Trix
A bunch of spiders turn into blood sucking mutant spiders when they eat a super hybrid of pot. A crate of the stuff ends up at a strip club. The rest of the movie writes itself.
I enjoyed "Bite me!". It was a proud B-movie. One of the posters on the strip club manager's wall was for "Barbed Wire Dolls". I wouldn't put "Bite Me!" in the same category as that sleaze masterpiece but I had some fun watching it. The spiders were cheap, the strip club looked like an abandoned garage, the strippers were sleepy but "Bite Me!" is good for some cheap Saturday night entertainment.
I've given Misty Mundae a lot of grief but she's starting to grow on me. I think I like her better when she has her clothes on. She was pretty good in this one. Any girl who lets a blood sucking spider attack her can't be all bad.
The best scene has Julian Wells as the uptight businesswoman who loosens up when a spider chomps her. "You call that dancing?! I'll show you dancing." She then hops on stage to do some spider venom stripping. I rewound that scene four times. I especially liked the whip sound effect when Wells whips her hair around. She has got the hair toss down. Whip it Wells. Whip it good.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 for hot Julian hair-whipping action
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Sexy American Idle (2003)
Directed byJohn Paul Fedele
Writing credits John Bacchus John Paul Fedele
An entire lesbian sex empire built around a pale skinned, flat chested short woman. It boggles the mind. I am of course referring to the enigma that is Misty Mundae. Somehow, someway this woman has come to symbolize lesbian sex flicks. On my quest to find some answers, I happened upon some people who explained to me that a) Misty has a cute face and looks really young and b) she seems more approachable, (i.e. "normal") than most other sex stars. A girl you could meet and hang out with in other words. Well my friends, I have not fallen under her spell because a) yes, she has a cute face but I like women, not young girls and b) I'm not hanging out with her so why would I care how "normal" she may or may not be in real life. My criticisms of Mundae are irrelevant of course. I see now that she is a rock star in the porn world. So rock on Misty Mundae. Give the devil her due.
All of this brings me to "Sexy American Idle". A bunch of people enter a talent contest. Every single, solitary one of them has no talent. That's the joke. Ha Ha ehhhh.. For some reason, the filmmakers thought it would be hilarious to have a bunch of people singing off-key. Hmmmm….
First off, let me state that I watched the R-rated version. I know. I know. Only a desperate fool would sit through an R-rated Seduction flick. I have no defense. I was crying tears of shame when I saw the R rating on the DVD. I thought I ordered the unrated version. Dang it.
Although I sat through the R-rated version, I don't think "Sexy American Idle" was designed to be the usual Seduction Sapphic love fest. It must have been goof-off week when they made this one. Most of the heavy hitters are here: Julian Wells, Misty Mundae, Anoushka, A.J. Khan, and Darian Caine. So what do they do with the talent? Not much unless you count acting goofy in a talent show. Where's the sex you ask? It's in another movie. Or maybe it's hiding in the unrated version because the sex scenes in the version I saw were tame and lame.
I can now safely say that Julian Wells needs to be doing more comedy. "Sexy American Idle" puts the spotlight on her and she goes for it. She has three characters: A snooty judge, a leotard wearing dancer and a horrible burn victim. The judge was funny, the dancer could stretch her leg really, really high and the burn victim was nasty. The best scene had Judge Julian getting physical with a contestant on her couch. A couple of Singapore Slings and the judge was ready to get down to business. I have never heard it called a "fireman" before. The things I learn watching her.
"Sexy American Idle" can be fun if you're familiar with the Seduction babes and want to see them cut up. The scenes with the judges were funny. The guy doing the Ozzy impersonation did a good job. Most of the scenes that didn't involve the actual talent contest were OK but once the movie shifts back to the talentless contest, your eyes will start rolling. I didn't need to see the dancing gorilla. Send him to the zoo please. The old guy with the missing teeth needs to get lost as well. One look at him kills any mood the movie might have been trying to set. All of the bad singing probably could have been shortened to ease some pain. Mundae may be a rock star but she can't sing to save her life.
Overall, it's hard to judge this one. As a Seduction sex flick, it's a failure. There's no sex that I could see. Well, no good sex. Dang R-rated version. But as a loose comedy with the Seduction babes, it's OK. If you're feeling goofy one night, this flick might be what you seek.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 high kicking Julians
Pleasures of a Woman (2002)
Directed by Ted W. Crestview
Darian Caine.... April
Syn DeVil.... Meagan
Julian Wells.... Vivian
"Pleasures of a Woman" is a short remake of a short movie. The DVD I saw had both versions on it. "Pleasures of a Woman" is about women seeking pleasure. Julian Wells meets her niece after a funeral. Naturally, they must have sex. First, Julian grabs her niece's shoe and rubs it all over herself. Then Julian grabs her niece and rubs her all over herself. A large breasted woman shows up and also wants some pleasure. Julian sends the two lovebirds away and starts playing with another shoe. Soon Wells will have enough of shoes and jump into the sack to join the pleasure party already in progress. More pill popping and pleasure follow.
If there is one kink I never understood, its shoes and feet. Well, that's not entirely true. I do like seeing women wear long, black jack boots. In one scene, Darian Caine puts on her boots and steps on Julian's vagina. This excites Julian immensely. Now I like seeing long jack boots but I wouldn't want a woman squashing my testicles with them. Another scene has Julian taking a stiletto heel and ramming it into her nipples. That can't feel good. That was one pleasure of a woman I couldn't comprehend.
Anyway, forgetting about feet for a moment, "Pleasures of a Woman" doesn't quite measure up to the original. Porn back in the seventies was a wonderful thing. You know why? Because it was dirty! That is the one element that is missing from modern porn. The original was full of guilt and lust. The remake is just a cheap lesbian love fest. The Seduction babes have made out with each other so much that it's starting to feel like they're in an extended porn family relationship. What I'm saying is, where's the desire? "Pleasures of a Woman" just goes through the straight to video lesbian hoops. Nothing too hot here.
However, if you're an undemanding lover of Sapphic delights, you probably won't mind spending time with Julian and friends. Wells has her long legs and freckled breasts working overtime in this one. Caine and the large breasted woman have a decent sex scene near the end. It's probably worth a look. At any rate, one more ride on the Julian Wells love machine can't be all bad as long as she's not playing with shoes. That kink needs to go. Shoes belong on feet, not rubbed on breasts. Someone had to say it.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 for hot shoe licking action
That 70's Girl (2003)
Directed by Johnny Crash Writing credits Johnny Crash Michael Raso
Misty Mundae.... Petal
Julian Wells.... Ashleigh
Suzi Lorraine.... Jennifer (as Kelli Summers)
"That 70's Girl" is a complete and total rip-off. The filmmakers should be ashamed of themselves for taking advantage of boneheaded suckers like me. They even knew they were ripping the viewers off and tried to make up for it by including some retro Swedish sexploitation monstrosity on the DVD. "Dr. Christina goes to Finland" or something. I didn't pay for Dr. Christina. I wanted the Seduction babes to do their thing! Almost every sex scene in "That 70's Girl" is filmed in slow motion. You know why? Because if it wasn't the movie would have been 15 minutes long! Egad. Terrible.
Let's do the rundown. Misty Mundae - Flat chested but tries her best. AJ Khan - Is hot enough and horny enough to star in her own Emmanuelle movies. Kelli Summers - A complete blank slate. She may be one of the worst actresses I have ever seen but, when she took her top off, I understood why she was in this film. Julian Wells - The best scene in the movie had Wells giving herself a rubdown in the shower. I especially liked the soap falling out of the bellybutton. I'm not sure why. But since I don't really go for scenes like that I can officially declare "That 70's girl" as a dead zone of softcore erotica.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Directed by Joseph Kahn Writing credits Matt Johnson
Ice Cube.... Trey
Martin Henderson.... Ford
Monet Mazur.... Shane
Jaime Pressly.... China
I saw "Torque" in a near deserted movie theater. It was me in the second row and two 13 or 14 year old guys in the back row. We were the target audience. "Torque" hit a bullseye for us. So if you're not a teenage boy or a B-movie lunatic, avoid "Torque". If you fit into the profile audience for an insane biker flick, see this movie immediately.
"Torque" is hilarious. I was cheering through the whole thing. It wasn't just the stunts that had me going. It was the dialogue as well. When the main biker tries to make up with his girlfriend who he ditched he says, "I wrote letters." She says, "I made fires." I just had a laughing fit writing that.
Ice Cube shows up as the angriest biker in the world. He has a permanent scowl on his face. Just looking at him had me laughing. All the macho elements of a biker flick are on proud display. The hard rock was cranked up as the bikers did battle. There was Kid Rock and Static-X. It was a hard rock party. I had a good time.
Speaking of Static-X, the last scene with super hot Jaime Pressly has "Push it" blasting away as she does battle with the main blonde biker. Ah Jaime. What a special effect you are. Good Lord, she can squeeze into a pair of leather pants. Gotta love it.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 Presslys in leather
Directed by Richard Donner Writing credits Andy Wachowski & Larry Wachowski
Sylvester Stallone.... Robert Rath
Antonio Banderas.... Miguel Bain
Julianne Moore.... Electra
All movies start off with a grace period where the possibilities for a good movie still exist. Your mind is full of hope. "Assassins" grace period lasts for about two seconds. When the movie started, I was living in a dream world. Then Stallone showed up as a hitman wearing a sweater. I woke up screaming.
"Assassins" is the definition of lame. You know things are bad when Stallone won't even kill his target at the beginning of the movie. His victim is whining and blubbering about how Stallone only kills bad people. Stallone looks pensive in his mighty sweater. His words of whining really touch Stallone. Then Stallone gives the guy a gun to kill himself! Stallone is an assassin right? That's his job title right? Aren't assassins supposed to, uh, assassinate people? Ugh. How lame.
So Banderas shows up to take Stallone out of the picture. Banderas knows that Stallone has got to go. It's that dang sweater. Stallone should never wear a sweater. Hitmen don't wear sweaters. Stallone could not get into the idea of being an assassin so Banderas had to come along and finish him off. It's not often I root for Banderas. The sweater made me do it.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 comfy sweaters
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Directed by Jose Prendes Writing credits Jose Prendes
Richard Lynch.... General Morton
Jose Prendes.... Malcolm Grant/Quint Barrow
Brinke Stevens.... Dr. Emily Thesiger
Debbie Rochon.... Marguerite
Linnea Quigley.... Elli Kroger
"Corpses are Forever" reeks. It is a sick joke of a horror flick. It is supposed to be some sort of zombie flick but it's all a lie. The movie is just an excuse to gather some B-movie divas together so that the filmmakers could waste their time. Mission accomplished.
But what about that diva trio? Surely they could add something worthwhile to this garbage? Well, there's Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley and Debbie Rochon. Now that's three scream queens. Count them. Three. Ask me how many of them got naked. Go on and ask me. You ready? NONE! BOOOO!!! All we get is a bargain basement James Bond who continually checks his ammo while confused zombies wander around wondering what the heck they are doing in this movie.
Pardon me while I go take a shower. I need to wash this movie down the drain.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Blue Demon (2004)
Directed by Daniel Grodnik
Writing credits Daniel Grodnik Lisa Morton
Dedee Pfeiffer.... Marla Collins
Randall Batinkoff.... Nathan Collins
Danny Woodburn.... Van Allen
Jeff Fahey.... General Remora
"Blue Demon" is one of the lamest straight to video shark movies I have ever seen. Beware PG-13 giant killer shark movies. They will cause you pain. But more specifically, this giant killer shark movie will cause you pain.
"Blue Demon" is about some genetically altered sharks that break out of a lab and cause havoc. Based on that description alone, you would think that this was going to be some "Deep Blue Sea" B-movie rip-off. I like B-movie rip-offs. In fact, I enjoy them immensely. But "Blue Demon" is just a rip-off in the general sense of the word. Like, "Wow! What a rip-off!" "Blue Demon" doesn't even have the common sense to know what good movie to rip-off. It's actually trying to be funny as the worst shark effects in the world bob along in the ocean. They have one cardboard fin that tears through the water at one mile an hour. Amazingly, these stupid sharks don't catch a lot of their prey. They also have another computer animated shot of the sharks swimming in a pack that looks like something I could whip together in a Power Point slide show.
Overall, "Blue Demon" is a very lame attempt at some cheap shark thrills. It must be avoided. You don't want this beast to inflict its pain on you.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 cut-rate fake sharks
Directed by Gregory Gieras Writing credits Gregory Gieras
Larry Casey.... David Stone
Margaret Cash.... Sara
Trevor Murphy.... Jake
If there's one thing the world needs more of, it's killer centipede movies. In fact, I think "Centipede" is the first killer centipede movie ever made. I have seen all kinds of giant animals rampage on unsuspecting fools. Lions, bears, sharks, eels, rats, hogs, dogs, have all attacked humans at some point. So I was filled with great joy when I saw "Centipede" sitting on the shelf. I had to rent it immediately.
Well, like most B-movies, the concept is great but the movie is lacking. The centipede did not fill me with dread. It looked like a cardboard beast with some spray paint. At no point did I even remotely believe that the centipede was alive and attacking people. I understand the concept of suspension of disbelief but come on.
Another problem was the lack of lighting. Even if I wanted to see the cardboard monster, I couldn't make him out because a lot of the movie was shot in the dark. The characters are stuck in a cave in India with an angry centipede. The beast likes to strike in the dark. He's shy around cameras. The buddies try to out run the monster while the Indian police plan to blow it up. Plenty of cardboard monster attacks follow.
"Centipede" is too cheap and too cheesy. It's also PG-13 so that should give you an idea on the violence level or lack thereof. The ex-girlfriend was hot and can really stretch her legs but other than that there's nothing much here to recommend.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 cheap centipede monsters
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Land of the Dead (2005)
Directed by George A. Romero Writing credits George A. Romero
Simon Baker.... Riley
John Leguizamo.... Cholo
Dennis Hopper.... Kaufman
Asia Argento.... Slack
Eugene Clark.... Big Daddy
Jennifer Baxter.... Number 9
America has become the Land of the Dead. The humans hide behind large gated communities while the inhuman monsters scrounge around outside. Soon the zombies will start evolving and realize they want more from their undead existence than just pretending to live. They want what the humans have: Their brains, hearts, lungs, and other mouth watering organs. A few humans get together to stop the dead with the help of fireworks and some very large automatic weapons.
There may not have been as much subtext in "Land of the Dead" as some of the other Romero zombie movies for people to chew on but it worked fine for me. The only thing I want to see chewed on in a zombie movie is as many guts as possible. Romero knows how to stage effective gore scenes and "Land of the Dead" certainly doesn't disappoint. Once again the morally bankrupt humans invite disaster by dedicating their lives to cheap thrills. Zombie target practice, gladiator fights etc. The zombies have had enough of their so-called humanity. They'll set them straight on whose land this is. "Land of the Dead" is a fine zombie flick. I was pleased. It's got blood, guts, and Asia Argento killing zombies. What's not to like?
One last thing, how about that zombie Number 9? You know, the girl in the softball uniform carrying a baseball bat? That was some hot zombie action. Even with half of her face shredded off, I still thought she looked good. I'm glad she was stuck at the head of the pack with Big Daddy and the butcher. Thankfully she hadn't decomposed too much when the zombies started their rampage. You hate to see a zombie girl lose her looks to time, the elements, or death.
SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 zombie babes with baseball bats
Directed by Johnny Crash Writing credits John Paul Fedele Terry West
Misty Mundae.... Patricia Porker (Spiderbabe)
Julian Wells.... Lucinda Knox (Femtilian)
Darian Caine.... Lisa Knoxx
Holy cow. They actually spent some money on this one. Location shooting! Special effects! Lightning bolts! Spiderwebs! Massive explosions! Costumes! Misty Mundae actually looking hot! Wow. That was the best part.
I got to admit. Misty Mundae looked good in this one. Her Spiderbabe costume worked wonders for her. Speaking of hot costumes, Julian Wells rides the Bi-Polar express in a tour de force performance as Femtilian/Lucinda Knoxx. I like her much more when she loosens up. Most movies she's in she has got some serious pouting going on. In "Spiderbabe", her dastardly experiment turns her into a lizard babe and lets her have some fun. We all win when that happens.
So Spiderbabe runs around town and makes out with a lot of women. The citizens of New York are very grateful. I especially liked the Queen B wrestler scene. That was some good wrestling. The truly amazing thing about "Spiderbabe" is that it actually made me laugh! Misty Mundae made me chuckle with her various job fantasies, especially being the nurse. Overall, I was pleased with "Spiderbabe". It's worth a look.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 Femtilian superbabes
Directed by D.J. Caruso Writing credits Jon Bokenkamp
Angelina Jolie.... Illeana
Ethan Hawke.... Costa
Kiefer Sutherland.... Hart
Gena Rowlands.... Mrs. Asher
Olivier Martinez.... Paquette
A friend of mine went out to see the Hollywood premiere of "Taking Lives" at the Grauman's Chinese Theater. He was very excited to be there although he tells me a lot of the spectacle is lost on him. "I went to get my popcorn and I ran into Oliver Stone. I had no idea it was him until somebody told me." He also said, "They have this weird thing where they turn the lights off and on inside the theater for three minutes. It was very odd." But, I said, surely we can both agree that Angelina Jolie is incredibly hot. "Oh definitely," he said, "She was there and was looking good." We pretty much agreed that she was the highlight of the premiere. Celebrity-wise anyway.
I was glad he had a good time at the premiere. I was thinking of him as I sat in my tiny Florida movie theater with an old woman coughing behind me. My movie going experience and his were slightly different. I was back watching this one in the mighty Theater 4. Theater 4 is where movies go to die. I was surprised "Taking Lives" had fallen so fast. Once movies hit Theater 4, the next stop is a video store shelf.
The highlight of "Taking Lives" is, of course, Angelina Jolie. Those lips are made for kissing. If she's in a movie and she's not kissing someone, there has been a fatal error. Angelina also gets topless for a quick sex scene. Ahhhh. That was nice.
As for the rest of the movie, it was adequate, all right, average, not bad, okay, ordinary, passable, reasonable, so-so, tolerable, same ol' same ol', been there, done that, blah, blah, blah. The serial killer movie has been done to death. This was one more nail in the coffin.
So some nutbag is TAKING LIVES and Jolie has to stop him. She is supposed to be some sort of expert on serial killers. Yet they never really explain why she's so special. She stares at gory pictures and hangs out in graveyards but she doesn't really strike me as knowing any more than any other cop. Her investigation leads to more mangled corpses and some mundane chase scenes. It's all very ho hum and very predictable.
At least it had Angelina Jolie putting her lips to good use. In my book, that will always save a movie from becoming a disaster.
SCORE: 2 0ut of 4 Angelina lips
Lust in Space: The Erotic Witch Project IV (2005)
Directed by John Bacchus Writing credits John Bacchus Michael Raso
Darian Caine.... Captain Caine
A.J. Khan.... Colonel Khan
Bethany Lott.... Kitty Carter
Alexia Moore.... Doctor Davis
I felt a strong “Star Trek II” moment boil up inside of me while watching “Lust in Space”. When I got to the scene where A.J. Khan and Darian Caine were making out on a couch and A.J. put her hand around Caine’s throat, I let out a loud Captain Kirk cry, “KHAAAAN!” My bellowing was echoing so loud, you could hear it from space. Khan brought the lust bug to our planet and we’re all better for it.
“Lust in Space” is a pretty typical Seduction Cinema flick. Khan and friends head to Earth and keep looking for places to have sex. Good news! They find plenty of spots for spontaneous Earthly loving. They keep wandering in and out of houses while making sure to stop and have as much sex as possible.
There is one big difference in this one when compared to other Seduction flicks. There are actually scenes of a guy having sex! Can you believe it? I was in shock. A cop keeps showing up and women keep taking off their clothes. They can’t resist him. I did like the one sex scene on the couch with the girl who just couldn’t stop kissing. You usually don’t see much kissing in these movies. I really wanted to like the lovely, large breasted Alexia Moore. Unfortunately she didn’t really seem all that excited to be there. She seemed bored and she bored me as well. Too bad. What a shame.
“Lust in Space” is OK. The main selling point here is A.J. Khan. Her Caine sex scene was pretty good. There are plenty of other sex scenes in this one and they’re all decent. If you want some intergalactic Khan action, this one will work for you.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 KHAAAANS!!!
Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde (2003)
Directed by Tony Marsiglia
Writing credits Bruce G. Hallenbeck
Misty Mundae.... Martine/Dawn
Julian Wells.... Dr. Jackie Stevenson
I bought this DVD as a Christmas present. It was from me to me. I wanted some Julian Wells under my tree. Well, well, well. How very well indeed. Julian invents a green drug that makes her horny. Misty Mundae keeps popping up to satisfy her green drug lust. Wells can't live without Mundae in her life. Will she overdose on nonstop sex with Mundae? Will the viewer?
"Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde" is the Julian and Misty show. They make it with each other five or six times. Wells takes a shot of green ecstasy and only has eyes and lips for Mundae. Wells wants Mundae to dress up like one of her first patients she fell in love with. It's kind of like "Vertigo" but with lesbians.
"Dr. Jekyll and Mistress Hyde" is basically a love story. Mundae and Wells have a lot of sex but it's all pretty chaste. A lot of light kisses. Now I like seeing the ladies kiss but I think I could have gone for some more hot and heavy action. I definitely could have gone for a little more variety with regards to Well's lovers. The best scene is a close-up of Wells as she goes to town on a girl's breasts. Not Mundae's but some other girl with gigantic nipples. See that? Variety man. Spice of life.
Overall, this is a decent softcore flick. It's worth a look. If you want to see Julian Wells and Misty Mundae fall in love, this is the movie for you.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 Julians