Sunday, July 29, 2007

"The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae" review

The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae (2004)

Director: Helen Black
Writer: Helen Black

Anoushka ... Sexy Friend
Erin Brown ... Misty Mundae (as Misty Mundae)
Darian Caine ... Fantasy Girl 1
A.J. Khan ... Love Goddess
Julian Wells ... The Teacher

“The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae” AKA “The Pimping of Misty Mundae” shows Seduction Cinema at its most shameless. They must have had a bunch of sex scenes lying around on the floor and wondered what to do with them. They needed some hook to haphazardly tie them together so they had Mundae blather on about how she has these strange sex fantasies that look a lot like Seduction Cinema clips. They had a couple of scenes of Darian Caine and Mundae going at it along with Ruby Larocca and Anoushka having a good time. Throw in a clip from a Julian Wells flick and they had a rough facsimile of a movie. Buy it suckers!

Seduction Cinema has been sitting on this one for awhile. It must have been stashed away for a rainy day. Now that Mundae has ditched her Misty past for “Erin Brown” town, it’s monsoon season over in Seduction land. Oh, they’ve got other girls in their stable but none that will click with the late night crowd like Mundae. I wish I could say I was one of the Misty fans but I’m not. She does fascinate me though. It’s all part of my never ending quest to understand why guys like her. It’s been explained to me but I still don’t get it. Its hard research but I don’t mind the long hours with Misty and friends.

“The Erotic Pimping of Misty Mundae” has several sex scenes that are (very) loosely tied together by voiceover from Mundae. She seems to have a fascination with Darian Caine so they have three sex scenes together. One scene has them having a pillow fight followed by naked tickling with a huge feather. This part of the diary wasn’t that erotic for me. Mundae also daydreams about Anoushka and Ruby having two sex scenes, one on a bed and one in a bath. The “movie” ends with a Julian Wells/Mundae clip from “Dr Jekyll and Mistress Hyde” which I would normally refer to as filler but that would imply that the rest of the movie wasn’t filler.

So the “Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae” is the first all-filler movie. It’s for people who truly get off on Misty Mundae and need more of her in their lives. Seduction Cinema also pulls the same trick they used in another stinker, “That 70’s Girl”, by showing all the sex scenes in slow motion. This is to cover up the fact that if they ran them at normal speed the movie would have lasted 45 minutes. They even have the nerve to rip-off one of the best sex scenes in “Mistress Hyde” but don’t let it grind on to the best part. The ending of the sex scene had a girl tied up in ropes while Julian went to work on her breasts. Now that my friend would have made a great entry in the erotic diary.

The only thing that saves this diary from getting thrown in the garbage is Anoushka. She has a look that I love. Great breasts, nice body and always knows what to do with the other woman. Even with her sex scenes crawling by in annoying slow motion, I still loved it. As for the rest of the diary, Mundae can keep her slow motion fantasies to herself. Unless you’re crazy for all things Misty, you can let this one go.

One last thought, instead of being credited as Dr Jekyll or Mistress Hyde, Julian Wells is credited as The Teacher. She certainly could teach Mundae a thing or two about the Sapphic arts. This teacher credit is fitting because as you know, Julian Wells invented sex. Well, actually that’s not true. There was sex before Julian Wells. But man, it wasn’t any good.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 love teaching Wells

Monday, July 23, 2007

"The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String" review

The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String (2003)

Director: Terry West
Writer: Terry West

Erin Brown ... Dildo Saggins (as Misty Mundae)
Darian Caine ... Horny
A.J. Khan ... Spam (as A.J. Kahn)
Barbara Joyce ... Araporn
Michael R. Thomas ... Smirnof, the Wizard
John Link ... Ballem
Anoushka ... Benadryl
Allanah Rhodes ... Hymen Torn
Julian Wells... Tree Nymph (as Juliette Charles)
Suzi Lorraine... Drusilla (as Kelli Summers)

Ahh Misty Mundae. That’s right, I said Misty Mundae. I do not, nor will I ever, accept the name “Erin Brown”. It might very well be her real name but I still won’t call her that. It’s Misty forever. There is no escape. It would be a better world if people would look upon starring in a string of lesbian sex flicks as a good thing. I know I have no problems with it. But I guess that’s obvious.

Mundae and friends are Throbbits. It’s kind of like being a Hobbit except you get laid a lot more. They need to destroy the deadly G-String before it falls into the wrong hands. Along the way, the Throbbits take the time to relax from the pressures of G-String destruction and have plenty of sex. One of the first sex scenes has Mundae getting it on with some hairy man. Odds Botkins! That G-String is so powerful its driven lesbian kingpin Mundae insane! Soon she comes back down to earth and gets back to kissing girls. Some other inane plot twists happen and the viewer ignores them in the hope that another sex scene will start soon. Thankfully there are two good sex scenes near the end which save Throbbit town from total destruction at the bottom of my garbage can.

I had to see “Lord of the G-Strings” after my cousin boldly proclaimed that this was the best of the late night Cinemax offerings. He also thinks Mundae is one of the better softcore performers. “Can’t you just let her disrobe in peace?” he said, “At least she doesn’t take it seriously. Most of the late night flicks are just some lame murder mystery with sex thrown in. Misty’s movies are fun. And by the way, her body is fine.” While I respect my cousin’s opinion, he’s also a guy who sees three to four movies a year and is definitely not an expert on late night softcore adventures.

So it’s the casual fans that truly get off on Misty Mundae. She is the non-threatening softcore star. But Mundae does not turn me on and this is a tragedy. You want your softcore stars to have a look and an attitude that screams sex. I look at Mundae and I want to send her packing back to Throbbit town. I’ve bashed Mundae enough in other reviews so I’ll just say that the main Throbbit once again left me cold. Sorry cousin. I can’t agree with you.

That’s not to say there aren’t some good things here. If there is one good thing about Mundae it’s that she is always ready to have an extended kissing session with whomever they put in front of her lips. She also is proficient in the art of licking nipples. And yes, it is an art. There’s a good four-way scene with Mundae, Darian Caine, A.J. Khan and another woman. A.J. is great in this scene as she pairs off with Caine for some extended lovemaking. There’s also a pretty good three-way scene near the end with Mundae, Khan and a TREE NYMPH. It ends the movie with some nice lesbian NYMPH action.

Overall, this was a decent Seduction Cinema flick. It’s got some hot lesbian action, (I love typing that), and some amusing scenes in between the hot lesbian action, (I did it again, WOO-HOO!). It’s worth a look.

One last thought, the IMDb has Julian Wells credited as TREE NYMPH in “Lord of the G-Strings” under the name “Juliette Charles”. This credit is incorrect as I can assure you that Julian is nowhere to be found in Throbbit town. I’d recognize her freckled body anywhere and the TREE NYMPH is not freckled beauty Wells. I believe the TREE NYMPH is actually Isadora Edison from “Suburban Secrets”. I know my Seduction Cinema babes and take my TREE NYMPH credits seriously. Wells may be a nymph, but she’s no TREE NYMPH.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 throbbing Mundaes

Thursday, July 19, 2007

"Hellblock 13" review

Hellblock 13 (2000)

Director: Paul Talbot
Writers: Jeffrey Miller Michael R. Smith

Gunnar Hansen ... The Executioner
Debbie Rochon ... Tara
Jon Miller ... Prison Guard #1
Brian Kelly ... Prison Guard #2 (as Brian D. Kelly)
Jeff Jordan ... Doctor

Debbie Rochon is in prison for crimes against humanity. She gleefully killed many people and is excited about being executed. The giant prison guard, (Gunnar Hansen), wants to make her death wish come true. But before she takes the fast lane down the highway to Hell, Debbie wants to entertain Hansen with tales of murder and mayhem. She’s been writing stories down that she hears from the many ghosts that live in her Troma prison. Hansen listens with disgust to the three horror stories that Rochon spins for him.

“Hellblock 13” is an anthology movie from Troma. I’m not much of a Troma fan so I was a little worried that this was going to head down their usual path of bodily fluids and stupid jokes. But thanks to a maniacal Rochon and some gory horror tales, “Hellblock 13” turned out OK. This movie reminds me of why I like Rochon so much. I’ve always had a thing for long haired brunettes and Debbie is at the top of her game here. She plays a raving lunatic who lusts after blood and broken necks. She looks great in this one and is fun to watch as a wild killer scurrying about her cell.

The first story has a young mother having second thoughts about the children in her life. They might weigh her down so she decides to dump them overboard. The kids disapprove of mommy’s selfish ways. The second story is the funniest as a hick couple needs marriage counseling from an evil witch. The witch has a potion that may put the monster of a husband down for good. Or it could go awry as evil ways have a tendency to do in these kinds of movies. The last story is the weakest as a biker gang looks for salvation from a really hot, (and dead), biker chick. They need protection from cops and will perform a blood ritual to show how much they love hot chicks in leather.

“Hellblock 13” is a fun B-flick. Rochon knows how to tell some good blood and guts stories to pass the time before her execution. “Hellblock 13” also finishes strong as Rochon decides to carry out her sentence by putting a razor blade to good use. The anthology tales keep moving and deliver some good gore scenes. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 diabolical Debbies

Sunday, July 15, 2007

"Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant" review

Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant (2001)

Director: Zert Sineca
Writer: Zert Sineca

Jason Christ ... Scott Loomis
Lisa Morrison ... Angie (as Lisa A. Morrison)
Emily Haack ... Mary
Angela Zimmerly ... Jill
Scot Spookytooth ... Mary's Boyfriend

When people see some of the movies I review, a question I’m invariably asked is, “How in the world did you find out about this one?” As I’m watching “Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant”, I find myself asking that same question, “How in the world did I find out about this one?” I’m not sure how it ended up in my hands but sleazy movies just somehow gravitate to me. Or do I gravitate to them? Either way, it was in my orbit so I had to watch it.

“Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant” is about a man and his chloroform. A sexual deviant likes to break into women’s houses, usually while they’re showering, shove chloroform over their mouths and then molest them while they sleep. He also likes to put them in various poses and take pictures of their naked bodies. He leaves one picture behind just so the women know they’ve been violated. The city of St. Louis is gripped with fear as Chester the molester lets his chloroform fetish take over his life.

“Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant” is a fetish movie. It was made for guys who get off on seeing women helpless. Most of the movie is taken up with scenes of girls being knocked out with chloroform and then having an unconscious pictorial taken of them for the freak. The movie runs about an hour so there isn’t a lot of wasted time on non-chloroform activity.

I kind of liked this flick. It’s an interesting look at a truly bizarre fetish. I consider “Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant” to be a learning experience. I’ve learned that I don’t have a chloroform fetish. This is good news. But it makes you wonder who the real sexual deviant is. Is it the disturbed guy who likes to control women with his ever present chloroform? Or is it the weirdo who rents this movie hoping to watch scene after scene of passed out naked women? Both maybe?

Ahh, who am I to judge? I’ve enjoyed harsher movies than this. So if you like this kind of stuff, “Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 chloroform deviants

Saturday, July 14, 2007

"Emmanuelle in Space: One Last Fling" review

Emmanuelle in Space: One Last Fling (1994)
AKA Emmanuelle 6: One Final Fling

Director:Jean-Jacques Lamore
Writers: J.C. Knowlton

Krista Allen ... Emmanuelle
Paul Michael Robinson ... Captain Haffron Williams
Tiendra Demian ... Tasha
Jennifer Burton

(Singing): E-man-u-elle, Queen of the Galaxy…E-man-u-elle…you look just like Krista Allen…(End Singing) Emmanuelle is the only woman on Earth who can help a spaceship full of intergalactic dorks understand human love. The Emmanuelle movies are based on the worldly Emmanuelle and her escapades in exotic locations. This time, Emmanuelle is in outer space with a bunch of voyeurs who can’t wait to put their headsets on so that they can have a virtual party with her. Now that Emmanuelle is in space, it makes it easy for her to teleport to many parts of the globe so she can keep her sex education going.

In this installment of “Emmanuelle in Spaaaaaaace!” she wants to have one last fling with her studly space captain. So they whip out the teleporting remote control and zap themselves to various hot spots around the world. It’s all in an attempt to see how many times they can have sex before the movie ends. When Emmanuelle asks if he’s ever done it on a boat, it’s off to a boat they go. If Emmanuelle wants to do it in China, they’ll be banging near the Great Wall. If the pyramids turn her on, it’s time for 69 on the Nile. You get the idea.

I was pleased with this one. I had seen another one of the “Emmanuelle in Spaaaaaaace!” movies and was left dissatisfied because Emmanuelle, (Krista Allen), was missing in action for a good portion of the movie. In “One Last Fling”, Emmanuelle is naked and doing her thing throughout most of the movie. It’s kind of an exercise in intergalactic fidelity. Emmanuelle wants to spend some quality time with her muscular alien friend before he leaves her at the speed of light. This is good news for the viewer as Krista Allen is unbelievably hot. There have been many Emmanuelle’s before Krista Allen but she is one of the few that I could completely believe would be the embodiment of sex and desire. My God Emmanuelle. Is there anything you don’t know?

So if you’re in dire need of a Krista Allen fix, (and I was!), “One Last Fling” is the “Emmanuelle in Spaaaaaaace!” installment to get.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 E-man-u-elles...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

"Satanic Yuppies" review

Satanic Yuppies (1996)
AKA Evil Ambitions

Directors: Mark Burchett Michael D. Fox
Writers: Mark Burchett Michael D. Fox

Paul Morris ... Pete McGavin
Amber Newman ... Brittany Drake
David Levy ... Gideon Jessup
Lucy Frashure ... Julie Swanson
Renae Raos ... Detective Leslie Kellog
Glori-Anne Gilbert ... Home Movie Girl 1 (director's cut)
Debbie Rochon ... Madame Natalie

You take your life in your hands when you play Netflix Russian Roulette. A while back I added hundreds of B-movies to my Netflix queue. I have no idea what order they’re in because I want to be surprised when I get the email telling me what’s coming next. So I get the word that “Satanic Yuppies” is in the pipeline and heading my way. I vaguely remember adding this one to the mix. After a quick bit of research, I see that Glori-Ann Gilbert and Debbie Rochon are in it. Ahh hah, that explains my logic in putting it on the list of movie death. So I shoved the satanic bullet into the chamber and gave the barrel a spin. Click. Bam! Thankfully it wasn’t a fatal round of Russian Roulette as parts of the movie saved me from blowing my brains out although “Satanic Yuppies” did leave a scar.

A tabloid reporter is after a hot scoop. He comes across a naked girl with her heart ripped out. This is news! Upon further investigation, it comes to his attention that there could be Satanic Yuppies involved. All roads of inquiry lead back to the only modeling agency in Cincinnati. You know it has to be evil. Some naked women show up to try to seduce him over to the dark side. He’ll have none of it. Well, he’d like some of it but he’d rather have his satanic yuppie headlines.

“Satanic Yuppies” does have a couple of hot women to distract you from the fact that you’re watching a whole lot of nothing. Glori-Ann Gilbert shows up to squirm around naked in a few scenes. Debbie Rochon is the fortune teller who informs the reporter that he’s in a lot of trouble. She does not get naked which was disappointing. Debbie’s breasts could have helped the reporter focus on battling the evil around him. Well, it would have helped me focus on staying awake while watching this movie. But since Debbie decided to gaze into her crystal ball with her clothes on, I started to lose interest. Rapidly.

“Satanic Yuppies” is another prime example of the lame horror comedy. Actually, using the word “horror” to describe this movie would be erroneous. Come to think of it, using the word “comedy” to describe “Satanic Yuppies” would also be giving it too much credit. Let’s just call it lame and move on to the next Netflix disaster.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 satanic yuppies
Satanic modeling.
The Devil wears Armani.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

"Pretty Cool 2" review

Pretty Cool 2 (2007)

Director: Rolfe Kanefsky
Writer: Rolfe Kanefsky

Eric Fagundes ... Walter Buckell
Julia Lehman ... Agatha
Angela Dodson ... Brittany
James Ferris ... Dave Buckell
Jennifer Day ... Debbie
Robert Donovan ... Mr. Buckell
Joy Giovanni ... June
Tiffany Shepis ... Tracy
Kristyn Green ... Crystal

A nerdy guy gets his hands on the greatest cell phone in the world. Through a freak accident that only happens in B-movies, his cell phone merges with a mind reading device. His cell phone becomes GENIE, a hot babe that can control other people’s minds. Weird Science indeed. Will he use his powers for good and get people to be nice to each other? Or will he want the horny girls next door to pay for teasing him? The power to control women is just too tempting…

I can now safely say that Rolfe Kanefsky is an even hornier geek than I am. That’s a bold statement. In “Pretty Cool Too”, making a decent comedy was not as important as getting women to fake orgasms. Much like “Rod Steele”, (another Kanefsky flick), the central theme of the movie is a magical device which makes people do whatever you say. Since it’s in the hands of a horny geek, (Kanefsky), most of the women roll around faking orgasms on cue. This movie is a cry for help. Just indulge the Big O fetish with Rolfe and you’re sure to be in “Pretty Cool Three: Moan for Me”.

“Pretty Cool Too” could also be taken as a metaphor for directing. Directors find themselves in the enviable position of telling beautiful women what to do, how to talk, how to undress, etc. Of course, these women wouldn’t have anything to do with them in real life but in the movies, they’ll fake orgasms for a director barking orders all day long. In “Pretty Cool Too”, the GENIE cell phone represents Kanefsky and his all-powerful ways of getting women to do whatever he wants. Directions come pouring out of the cell phone and before you know it, Tiffany Shepis is crawling around on all fours while a horny cowgirl is getting wet on her stuffed pony. It’s a tough life.

But what saves “Pretty Cool Too” is that Kanefsky is a good director. I really liked “The Hazing” and have enjoyed most of his other movies. He delivers the horny thrills you’re looking for in his various B-adventures. “Pretty Cool Too” is a decent sex comedy. There’s one extended scene where the guy has a perpetual hard-on and keeps getting it crushed in various devices. I was laughing, (and wincing), during that scene. There are also plenty of topless women as the Rolfe cell phone tells them to do away with their pesky clothes. So if you’re in the mood for a teen sex comedy with a lot of fake orgasms, “Pretty Cool Too” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 geeky guys acting cool

These girls need direction.

Lick the cherry. Lick the cherry!!! Oh, and the frosting. Lick the frosting!!!RARRRRR!!!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

"Decoys: The Second Seduction" review

Decoys: The Second Seduction (2007)
AKA Decoys 2: Alien Seduction

Director: Jeffery Scott Lando
Writers: Tom Berry Miguel Tejada-Flores

Corey Sevier... Luke Callahan
Tyler Johnston... Sam Compton
Kailin See... Stephanie Baxter
Kim Poirier... Constance Snowden
Dina Meyer... Dr. Alana Geisner
Tobin Bell... Professor Erwin Buckton

I saw “Decoys: The Second Seduction” the other day with my plus one and our mutual bad movie loving friend. It was way past time for some Chipotle and a movie. You can’t go to Chipotle and not watch a movie afterwards. I had the burrito bowl but my plus one insists that real men have the burrito. But I’m telling you that the burrito bowl with a Negro Modelo is the only way to fly. Chipotle is the fuel that gets you ready for cinema.

After some delicious Chipotle, we cruised back to the apartment for a viewing of “Decoys: The Second Seduction”. I was the only one there who had seen the first one although I barely remembered it. I just remembered aliens posing as blonde college girls to fool the horny college students and even hornier guys renting the movie. I promised the two amigos that there would be blonde aliens looking for blood. We had a shot of Jameson’s to celebrate and started the “Decoy” party.

So a bunch of aliens are posing as blonde college girls. They get the guys alone and proceed to waste them with their phallic tentacles. A couple of geeks start to get suspicious when the hot chicks start talking to them. They must be killer aliens! Soon the geeks will put their heads together to take the campus back from the intergalactic hotties.

One of the Jedi mind tricks that the aliens play on the guys is to look deep within their souls and figure out what kind of female fantasy turns them on. So if some guy is really into leather, the alien instantly transforms into a leather dominatrix. If some guy is into leopard tights, she’ll turn into a spandex-wearing Catwoman, etc. Unfortunately this little gimmick also emphasizes what’s missing in this movie. You’d think one of the guys would have been turned on by a naked woman. There’s too much tease and not enough skin in these fantasies. I would have imagined a girl in panties and leather boots and that’s it. Keep it simple. That’s my motto.

“Decoys: The Second Seduction” is a fair B-movie. It hums along and didn’t make me want to hurl myself over the balcony after watching it. It needed some more naked aliens to make it a B-movie you could be proud of but as it is, it’s just passable entertainment. If you must see it, it won’t hurt you too much. I would just make sure to have some Chipotle before watching it. It’ll make the “Decoys” go down smoother. And be sure to get the burrito bowl with extra cheese. You’ll be a winner every time.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 killer blonde decoys - Don't get too close Your friendly doctor recommends a dosage of Chipotle to ease the B-movie pain