"Hobo with a Shotgun" review

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Director: Jason Eisener
Writers: John Davies Jason Eisener

Rutger Hauer ... Hobo
Pasha Ebrahimi ... Bumfight Filmmaker
Robb Wells ... Logan (as Rob Wells)
Brian Downey ... Drake
Gregory Smith ... Slick
Nick Bateman ... Ivan / Rip
Drew O'Hara ... Otis
Molly Dunsworth ... Abby
Jeremy Akerman ... Chief of Police

Rutger Hauer has come to town to get some peace. All the man wants is a lawn mower. Unfortunately the corrupt B-movie town he's landed in just won't let him achieve his dream. The evil overlord who runs the show kills people just for fun. His two lackeys, (who dress like Tom Cruise), carry out his orders and massacre anyone who gets in the way. When they set their sights on a hooker with a heart of gold, Hauer has had enough. No one kills a gold-hearted whore with Rutger around. It's time to pump the shotgun and send these Cruise wannabes to Hell.

Death comes in many forms. Sometimes it's a creeping disease. Other times, a freak accident will claim a life. And sometimes, a hobo with a shotgun is the answer to your death wish. Hauer lands in the middle of a deliberately over the top B-movie with a loaded shotgun that he can't wait to unload. All of the scum have been begging for a face full of shotgun shells. This hobo is happy to oblige.

"Hobo with a Shotgun" is an exercise in B-movie madness. It succeeds in delivering violence, gore, and general mayhem as only a movie about a shotgun-wielding hobo can. Rutger Hauer is great as the homicidal hobo. He knows that the only way to handle a movie like this is to keep pumping the shotgun. Hauer does not let up on his slaughter until every last dirtbag has eaten some shotgun pellets. They say that violence only leads to more violence. And they're right! Good thing for us Hauer doesn't care about things like forgiveness. Only dealing death by shotgun lets him sleep at night.

After Hauer has caused quite a bit of havoc, the overlord of scum town unleashes The Plague. In the movie's most hilarious scene, two guys in body armor, (head to toe), show up at a hospital to take Hauer out. They are The Plague. One guy has a machete and the other likes to put a noose around people's necks and watch them dangle from the ceiling. Finally, a challenge for the hobo! The Plague captures everything that's good about "Hobo with a Shotgun". These maniacs might need their own movie.

"Hobo with a Shotgun" is a fun gorefest. It's badly acted, (with the exception of Hauer), poorly constructed and doesn't care if it makes any sense. Just like a good B-movie should. If you're in need of a sleaze movie fix, "Hobo with a Shotgun" has got you covered.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 homicidal hobos

The Plague

"SS Experiment Love Camp" review

SS Experiment Love Camp (1976)

Director: Sergio Garrone

Writers: Sergio Chiusi Sergio Garrone

Mircha Carven ... Helmut
Paola Corazzi ... Mirelle
Giorgio Cerioni ... Col. von Kleiben
Giovanna Mainardi
Serafino Profumo ... The Sergeant
Attilio Dottesio ... Dr. Steiner
Patrizia Melega ... Dr. Renke

The SS are at it again. The master race needs to do some loving. They have set up a camp. An experimental love camp if you will. The experiments that they'll conduct on the enemy women will advance lovemaking technology by decades. Or at least a few weeks. Actually I have no idea what the love experiments are supposed to accomplish. I doubt the SS did either. All they know is that it's a hoot having absolute control over female prisoners in another sleazy woman's prison movie.

"SS Experiment Love Camp" is yet another Nazi woman's prison movie made after the great "Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS". It combines all of the things that we love about Nazi woman's prison movies. Nazi's, women and prisons. What a winning combo. This time the Nazi's are abusing poor, innocent women for the glory of the Third Reich. No wait, that's the plot of all these movies.

The Nazi's are bored and want to play around with the women they've captured. They've come up with many unnecessary experiments to pass the time before the Allies squash their decadent dreams of world domination. One of their games is to remove organs from the prisoner's bodies to see if they can live through the experiment. This is supposed to help understand battlefield wounds (I think). Or maybe it's just an excuse to see some blood and guts. Either way, the women don't last very long with their insides pulled out.

The Nazi's are also interested in lovemaking in bizarre situations. They have the super stud soldiers show the women how to do it in boiling and freezing water. Sometimes they even do it on a bed! There is no limit to what dastardly extremes these mad scientists will go to.

Speaking of extremes, the scientists leave their most fiendishly hilarious experiment for the end. The commander of the camp wants to take everything they've learned about organ transplants and work their magic on him. I don't suppose the commander realizes that every single one of the kook scientist patients died on him. No matter! Bring on the testicle transplant!

Yes, that's right. A testicle transplant scene. The commander needed some balls so he took them. This leads to the best line of the movie when the unwilling soldier hunts the commander down and wonders what he's been doing with his balls. Good question. Where oh where did his gonads go? The movie ends in blood and tears and lost testicles. It all adds up to a sufficiently entertaining exploitation flick that makes you glad you still have your gonads even if you've lost part of your mind.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 tainted love experiments

"Fantom kiler 4" review

Fantom kiler 4

Director: Roman Nowicki

Dionne ... Officer Stella Green
Maria Vaslova ... Barbara Rynkowska
Pavla Nicole ... First Hooker
Conrad Bismark ... Fantom Kiler

A killer is stalking naked women. If they're not naked when he meets them, they soon will be. The Fantom Kiler is on the loose and he is performing acts of depravity on any unwilling woman he can find. A hot babe inspector is on the case. Her detective and English language skills will be pushed to the breaking point. Women are dying horribly all around her and yet she just can't change her facial expression from one of complete indifference. Who can stop the Fantom Kiler from defiling these poor women? Does anyone want him to?

Two words: Vaginal insertion. These two words perfectly capture what "Fantom Kiler 4" is all about. You could also add anal insertion, humiliation, paddling and hilarious bad English dubbing to its list of attributes. I saw the original "Fantom Kiler" and just had to know what that maniac in the big hat was up to. He's grown up from sleazy exploitation violence to scenes of hardcore nastiness.

"Fantom Kiler 4" makes the big leap into scenes of hardcore horror. Well, I guess it wasn't a big leap. More like a small step into the pit of hardcore despair. The vagina gets a lot of closeups in this movie and there is usually something be shoved into it. The first scene has a naked woman standing on the side of a road waiting for a trick to pull up. Before this scene is over, she'll have a rapists penis in one hand and a corn cob being jammed into her vagina. The movie is not subtle.

It's also not really a movie. "Fantom Kiler 4" is a collection of various deranged scenarios that have women being used and abused. There are scenes of women being used as a mop, (anal handle insertion), as a paintbrush, (paint smeared breasts were made for covering walls), and as an excuse to paddle them raw, (a full two minutes of paddling). If any of these scenarios excite you in strange and weird ways, you'll find something to enjoy in this unrepentant sleazefest.

"Fantom Kiler 4" drops all the foreplay and gets down to the hardcore horror fans of this series want to see. It is goofy and ridiculous and filled with scenes of nasty exploitation. I laughed my way through most of the movie as the hot inspector and her monotone delivery was B-movie gold.

Speaking of exploitation gold, there was one scene where a nympho police woman got her hands on the rapists severed penis and decided to use it one last time before booking it into evidence. This scene was pretty good as she used the appendage with gleeful abandon. But then the Fantom Kiler had to be a buzz kill and stopped her good times. Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good raging nympho? I guess we'll never understand the evil that lurks in the heart of the Fantom Kiler. We'll also never truly understand the appeal of these movies so it's best just to enjoy them for the nasty pieces of work that they are. The blood, the breasts, the paddling, it's all here.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sleazy killers

"A Serbian Film" review

A Serbian Film (2010)

Director: Srdjan Spasojevic
Writers: Aleksandar Radivojevic Srdjan Spasojevic

Srdjan Todorovic ... Milos (as Srdan Todorovic)
Sergej Trifunovic ... Vukmir
Jelena Gavrilovic ... Marija
Slobodan Bestic ... Marko
Katarina Zutic ... Lejla

Milos has gotten out of the porn game. He's banged so many Serbian chicks his genitalia is in the Serbian sleaze hall of fame. But Milos doesn't have many other talents besides enthusiastic rutting so the porn world cries out for his return. His new sponsor is a big fan of Milos fornicating skills so he recruits him into making some high end porn for private collectors. What else can a horny Serbian do but say yes? The director wants the movie to be spontaneous in order to capture how Milos reacts to various warped and kinky situations. His first movie starts off in an abandoned orphanage and the kink kicks in from there. As the extent of his extreme exploitation and degradation reveals itself to Milos, he descends into Serbian porn madness.

"A Serbian Film" is designed to outrage. It is filled with scenes of sexual violence as only Serbia can deliver. Actually I'm not sure what being Serbian has to do with this movie other than it being a clever marketing gimmick. It may be trying to say that the country has gotten so depressed that it has to resort to extreme measures to make ends meet. But I seriously doubt the filmmakers care about the conditions in Serbia as far as their exploitation movie is concerned. It's more like a calling card for the director so the filmmaking world knows where to find him.

And it's a good calling card because "A Serbian Film" is an excellent exploitation movie. I was pleasantly surprised by the filmmaking quality of this nasty flick. Milos should know better than to agree to some weirdos porn fetish demands but the director knows what his customers want to see. So do the filmmakers as "A Serbian Film" shows how easily horror movies can have mass appeal across different countries.

Well, actually "A Serbian Film" will only appeal to horror fans and even then it would only be of interest to those who enjoy the more extreme type of horror. Milos starts down the path of destruction with some light S&M but eventually moves on to more bizarre forms of porn. Incest, snuff, rape and every other underground genre of porn is shown as Milos mind warps beyond repair.

"A Serbian Film" is a wild ride into the depths of porno hell. I had a lot of fun watching Milos bang his way to oblivion. While this movie won't appeal to everyone, it's definitely worth a look for horror fans looking for a new nasty thrill.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Serbian sleazes

"The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" review

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011)

Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six

Laurence R. Harvey ... Martin
Ashlynn Yennie ... Miss Yennie
Maddi Black ... Candy
Kandace Caine... Karrie
Dominic Borrelli ... Paul

So I bought an Iphone4s this weekend. I didn't want to give up the Blackberry but I decided to take the plunge. Good Lord this device now controls me. I downloaded "Angry Birds" and "Plants vs Zombies" and spent most of the day enjoying the best four dollars I ever spent. It also has a woman's voice, (Siri), that tries to answer your questions. So you tell the phone, (Siri), "Find prostitutes", and it will show you an escort near you. Or ask "Find marijuana" and it will show you the closest cannabis clinic, (if you live in California). You can also ask it for the whereabouts of God and the meaning of life. Not to say that the Iphone knows everything but at least it's trying harder than your average phone. If your phone is not talking back to you, you're living in the Dark Ages.

Speaking of ignorant violence and decadence, I saw "The Human Centipede 2" the other day. I saw it back to back with "A Serbian Film". A sleaze movie double header to jump start my brain and punish my soul for its sins. Sloth is one of the seven deadly ones and I am guilty. But I hope to make amends by subjecting myself to some harsh cinema.

Martin is an obsessed horror fan. His particular obsession revolves around the first "Human Centipede" movie. He wishes to carry on the mad doctor's experiment in the real world. An experiment that will fully harness the power of the centipede by connecting many poor souls together to form a love train. But instead of holding hands, these people will be joined by giving each other a permanent rim job. So Martin rents a warehouse and proceeds to drag in various people in a quest to stitch them together. Everybody needs a hobby.

"Human Centipede 2" perfectly demonstrates the phrase "You get what you pay for". I paid to see a Human Centipede and I got a Human Centipede. I really can't fault the movie for delivering what it promised. But why? Why do I want to see people get their mouths sewn to someone's hole? What perverse beast lies in us that enjoys this wanton violence? Best not to think too much on this subject and just enjoy the waves of nauseating violence.

And be assured, nauseating it is. Although the true horror in "Human Centipede 2" was watching mammoth Martin trudge around in his underwear. That repulsed me more than the walking centipede of human toilets. Not much more but it was pretty scary.

The first "Human Centipede" was a pretty creepy movie that had fun with its perverse subject. "Human Centipede 2" is a punch to the gut splatter flick that cuts to the chase and gives you the gore you're looking for. So if you feel like the three-part centipede from the first movie just wasn't long enough for you, "Human Centipede 2" increases the body count to give you all of the bloody surgery and fecal splatter you could desire.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 human centipedes

Ode to a blog

Hello again my blog. I've neglected you and I have no excuse for it. Actually I do but I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say, there was turmoil and drama, tears and regrets. And then there was Thanksgiving. I've been off doing other things but I'm back now to show you the proper respect you deserve.

It wasn't until I noticed a little movie called "The Human Centipede 2" had come out that I realized how long I've been away from you. This was a film that deserves a response. I'm going to watch it tonight along with "A Serbian Film". A double feature to shock my dormant brain back from it's drunken stupor. Maybe end with a Julie Smith skin flick to ease over the rough edges.

Yes my blog, there will be blood tonight. And I'll tell you all about it. Until then, cheers.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 lost weekends

"Lust at First Bite" review

Lust at First Bite (2010)

AKA Twilight Vamps

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Brandin Rackley ... Tabitha
Frankie Cullen ... Jack
Christine Nguyen ... Angela
Dena Kollar ... Amanda (as Ashley West)
Beverly Lynne ... Louise
Michelle Maylene ... Tammy
Jenaveve Jolie ... Kyra
Valerie K. Garcia ... Goth Dancer

The usual Fred Olen Ray suspects headline another softcore movie. This time it's completely different as the same cast members have sex with each other. How many times can one man watch Frankie Cullen and Brandin Rackley get it on? Or Frankie Cullen and Christine Nguyen? Or Frankie Cullen and any of the half dozen women Ray throws in these flicks? This time he has Cullen head over to a vampire strip club to see what trouble he can get into. He needs to blow off some steam after girlfriend Beverly Lynne continually dismisses him for lesbian sex. It doesn't take long before Cullen has banged his way through half of the cast. Yeah, it's another thrilling late night adventure that will rock your socks off and put you to sleep from the monotonous sight of watching porn fidelity in action.

It's hard to dislike a movie with this many beautiful women getting naked every five minutes. I don't have anything against Brandin Rackley, Christine Nguyen or Beverly Lynne. These women have brought me much joy watching their late night escapades. I also don't have anything against Frankie Cullen. It's not his fault that he has to tackle the same women into bed. No, I'm afraid the fault lies with the cost cutting measures of director Ray and his uncontrollable lust to get his hands on as much Cinemax money as possible.

Something has gone wrong in the house that Ray built. Something is amiss. He has misplaced his libido. "Lust at First Bite" is dull from beginning to end. None of the sex scenes are hot, arousing or even amusing. It's the same people rolling around in the same positions while dry humping to the same music. Snore! Can we please get some variety here? These movies are becoming embarrassing. Ray can usually be counted on for one or two decent sex scenes but "Lust at First Bite" is nothing to lust over. It can be skipped.

One last thought, the only good thing about "Lust at First Bite" is it reminds me how much I miss Beverly Lynne. Beverly has two lesbian sex scenes which are decent. They're not too thrilling but I liked seeing her in action again. I still haven't seen a hotter Beverly Lynne flick than "Bikini a Go Go". In that one, she goes from being frigid to a raging nympho. Beverly needs to let loose her inner raging nympho again. I so miss the nympho. We all do.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 lust at Lynne sight

"Sexual Witchcraft" review

Sexual Witchcraft (2011)
AKA Little Witches

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Michelle Bauer ... Mrs. Turnbull
Vanessa Brink ... Cleopatra
Michelle Maylene ... Elaine
Christine Nguyen ... Sheri
Holly Sampson ... Carrie
Randy Spears ... Jack

Jessie Lunderby ... Sexy Cop

Witches have moved into the neighborhood and Michelle Bauer is not happy about it. Christine Nguyen and her husband have irked the neighbors with their sexual sorcery. Holly Sampson has come down from sexual witch heaven to help Christine navigate the modern world. She imports Cleopatra for reasons that are too ridiculous to mention. It all ends with a lot of mediocre sex and a great ad campaign for Christine's husband. But I'm with Bauer. Her neighbors are bringing down property value in the softcore neighborhood.

"Sexual Witchcraft" is another misfire from Fred Olen Ray. Here we see the importance of casting and making sure that the performers have some sort of chemistry with each other. "Sexual Witchcraft" demonstrates clearly that Ray has been watching too much television. The movie is filled with stunt casting that serves nothing except bringing the movie down. I knew about Holly Sampson and her Tiger Woods liason but I had to dig a little deeper to figure out why the other women, (except Christine Nguyen), were in this movie.

Jessie Lunderby plays a busty cop who bumbles around Christine's house for no reason other than this movie needed a busty cop. Actually there is a reason she's wearing a cop uniform. Lunderby used to be a cop until she got let go after posing for Playboy. So Ray the carny had to jump on this exploitation opportunity as fast as possible. But Ray forgot about the part where she showcases her carnal skills and instead relies more on her acting skills. Newsflash: She has no acting skills. Get back to the sex. But her sex scenes are a bust as Ray starts a lesbian scene with her and Holly Sampson only to abruptly end it. So why did she need to be in this movie? Only a bored Ray knows for sure.

Ray also casts Vanessa Brink as Cleopatra. Brink appeared on an episode of "Intervention, (great show), supporting her husband. She is also known as pornstar Cassandra Cruz so it's hard to figure out where Ray spotted her first. Brink is in the only decent sex scene when she runs into a horny Holly Sampson. But the rest of the sex scenes in "Sexual Witchcraft" are worthless. It's all about lazily going through the motions as Ray amuses himself with his eccentric cast. "Sexual Witchcraft" can be skipped.

One last thought, why is Michelle Bauer being neglected? She is the mother of all MILF's. I was sure there was going to be a scene where Christine puts a spell on Bauer to break her out of her spinster shell. This movie needed Michelle's magic. She's the real sex sorceress. She's still got the body and I know she can still cast a spell on late night audiences. We need a reunion of the Nightmare Sisters to make amends for these lame movies. Quigley, Stevens and Bauer can lift the curse Ray and his ludicrous casting choices have wrought on late night cable.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 busty cops

"Rubber" review

Rubber (2010)

Director: Quentin Dupieux
Writer: Quentin Dupieux

Stephen Spinella ... Lieutenant Chad
Jack Plotnick ... Accountant
Wings Hauser ... Man in wheelchair
Roxane Mesquida ... Sheila
Ethan Cohn ... Film buff Ethan
Charley Koontz ... Film buff Charley

"Rubber" is the story of a tire. An angry tire. When the rubber meets the road, it turns into a massacre. Tire rolls into town and wants to squash some heads. This tire has gotten so furious it has attained telekinetic powers. As it shakes like it's having a conniption fit, the object of the tire's hatred explodes in an orgy of gore. There's an audience on a hillside watching all of this tire carnage unfold. The tire hates them too. There's no reason why this tire is doing all of these hideously destructive acts. No reason at all.

Well, actually there is a reason that this tire is on a rampage. It's so that we can talk about the director and his kooky movie. I mean, haven't you ever seen a movie where disgruntled auto parts attack? Maybe this maniacal tire was the spare tire from "Christine" and got upset about being left in the trunk. We've seen cars attack before but never a tire. A lone tire out to destroy humanity. It's just kooky enough to work.

"Rubber" is a movie that exists for no reason. It's here to show us that movies don't need a reason to spring to life. All you need is to film something vaguely interesting, (in this case a killer tire), and someone to watch it and you have a movie. "Rubber" has a passive audience that sits on the sidelines watching the tire roll over dead bodies. The filmmakers want to slap the audience from their slumber so they drag them into the movie. They achieve filmmaker nirvana by destroying their audience. Truly, it's what all filmmakers dream of. Killing your audience, (critics), and laughing about it are what director's dreams are made of. But then who would watch their nonsensical films of homicidal tires?

"Rubber" is a wacky movie about killer tires that succeeds for no reason. I have always been a big believer in movie logic, (or lack thereof). If this tire wants to blow people's heads off, I say go for it. I don't need to know how or why it gained this incredible power. I only want to see it use it in regular intervals. So roll on you crazy tire. You don't need a reason to pop human brains out of their skulls. Just make sure when you do it, I can watch.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot babes with killer tires for no reason

"Sweet Karma" review

Sweet Karma (2009)

Director: Andrew Thomas Hunt
Writers: James Fler Andrew Thomas Hunt

Shera Bechard ... Karma Balint
John Tokatlidis ... William
Frank J. Zupancic ... Stefan
Christian Bako ... Tomas
Laura McLean ... Mavra
Patricia Stasiak ... Anna Balint
Lana Koseniv ... Galina
Tanya Rusnak ... Franciska
Sasha Kovacs ... Redhead
Anna Beben ... Blondie

Sweet, sweet Karma is going on a rampage. Her sister has been sold into sexual bondage in Toronto and Karma wants revenge. The Russian gangsters who imported her sister over told her she'd be cleaning houses but she ends up polishing knobs. When Karma is told that her sister has been killed, she decides to extract justice as only a hot mute girl in an exploitation movie can. She hangs out in a strip club dressed in white lingerie looking for the right moment to strike. Many Russian gangsters will pay dearly for their lecherous ways.

Ahh, sweet Karma. Sweet, unforgiving Karma. I needed this movie. I needed Karma to blast her way through the underworld and she did not disappoint me. Shera Bechard is Karma and she is an exploitation movie treasure. The filmmakers have struck gold with Shera. In one scene, Shera hangs out in a strip club looking for an opportunity to kill the sleaziest pimp. She rushes the stage and gives an impromptu strip tease which naturally lures the pimp to his doom. This scene was amazing as was their fight in the bathroom. I will now have to think twice if a stripper offers me a chance to snort cocaine off of her breasts. "Sweet Karma" shows you the potential bloody downside to this sordid possibility.

"Sweet Karma" also makes me realize I haven't been to a strip club in awhile. Although maybe that's a good thing considering the people who are running it. One scene has the gangsters cursing over the lack of lap dances their stable has pounded their way through. This made me glad I wasn't a figure in organized crime's lap dance quota. But then another scene had Karma getting a lap dance from a large breasted blonde and I was feeling nostalgic for the club again. They even drop Stormy Daniels name as a feature dancer and it made me flash back even more to the strip club bump and grind. Oh Sweet Karma, why did you have to show the fun side of sin?

But Karma will not stand for gangsters exploiting women so she burns her way through the whole crew. There are scenes of rape, (which ends badly for the rapist), a catfight with a knife, (cat knife fight?), and various scenes of Karma vengeance. "Sweet Karma" had all the elements I like to see in fine cinema. Guns, girls, strip clubs and hot mute supermodels on a killing spree. I had a good time watching Shera dish out some bad karma. "Sweet Karma" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sweet Sheras