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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Four movie weekend challenge 9/19-9/21

Hello there.

I have a powerful urge to immerse myself in cinema so I will challenge myself to see four movies in the theater this weekend.

The four films I speak of, (in the order I intend to view them) are:

"A Walk Among the Tombstones"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Liam Neeson on the trail of dirtbags who like to kidnap women. Sold. Done deal. I am totally digging the avenging angel of death persona Liam Neeson is unleashing on the movies lately. A Charles Bronson for our times.

"The Guest"

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

This movie has a terrible generic title and and even worse poster but it is from the guy who did "You're Next", (which I liked), so it's worth a look. Also played the Midnight Madness section at Toronto so it's been on my B-movie radar.

The Maze Runner

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clearly another "Hunger Games"/ "Divergent" copy cranked out to cash in on teens trying to survive the apocalypse. But who am I to judge its artistic merit without seeing it? Run teens run!  

Tusk

 

 

The Walrus and the Canadian Carpenter. A movie that Kevin Smith decided to make after a podcast joke about it. There are worse inspirations. Besides, no one has ever made a man turning into a walrus movie. That alone is worth a look.


So I'm thinking two a day and save the walrus for last. I'll post my thoughts on my movie excursion after my cinematic adventure.

 

One last thought, whatever happened to "The Green Inferno"?

I read one article that said the production company refused to pay for the marketing costs.  But does this mean the movie is stuck in limbo for the rest of the year? 


Come on you cheap bastards, cough up the money. You made the damn cannibal movie now release it.

 I leave you with one final thought: Eva Green was amazing in "Sin City". Check it out.


Sunday, January 19, 2014

"All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" review

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006)

Director:

Writer:


...
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Garth
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...


































































































































































































































Mandy Lane is casting her spell on all of the boys. All the boys love Mandy Lane. The jocks, the nerds, the cool nerds who do a lot of drugs....They all want her. One of the boys invites Mandy to his secluded ranch in the hopes of taking Mandy's prized virginity away from her. Who will win the battle for Mandy's first penetration? Much drugs and booze will be consumed in the quest to deflower Ms. Lane. But there's a complication to the Mandy copulation plan. A killer is stalking the teens and picking off Mandy's admirers one by one. Who is this deranged killer? Does he want in on the Mandy Lane action? Does anyone care that this is supposed to be a horror movie? Mandy Lane is apparently so seductive that she beguiled the filmmakers into ditching the slasher movie in favor of more monotonous scenes of Mandy Lane.

In a horror movie, it's very important that the cast understand that they are in a horror movie. At some point in the narrative, they must be made aware that there is some sort of monster/slasher/killer trying to end their lives in a violent fashion. The cast of "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" are not aware of this fact until the last twenty minutes of the film. Instead we are treated to scenes of Mandy Lane being hit on without mercy. That is the main premise of this movie.  Unrequited love is how Mandy Lane operates. She stares at men and pulls her blond hair behind her ears and the boys go crazy. I only wish the killer would have gone crazy sooner so the boys would have stopped ogling Mandy and the horror movie could have started.

So all the boys seem to love Mandy Lane. But do I love Mandy Lane? As a teen seductress, she doesn't really do much. She just seems to exist and that's enough for the boys. The song "Sister Goldenhair" is sung twice to let us know that the blonde Mandy Lane is simply irresistible. She is a blond virgin and that is enough. I didn't quite fall under her spell but kept hoping that she was going to show us why she was so desirable. Mandy Lane never really proved that she was worthy of such blind admiration which made all of the eventual bloodshed fairly pointless. Why die for Mandy Lane? Why do anything for Mandy Lane? Why watch a movie about Mandy Lane? The film offers no answers.

Eventually the producers of this film remembered that they were supposed to deliver a horror movie and let loose a little blood and guts in the last fifteen minutes of the movie. But by then it was too late to save Mandy Lane from being another slasher misfire. If Mandy Lane could have been the object of teen lust that I was hoping she was going to be, I may have forgiven the movie for delaying the start of the horror movie. But Mandy Lane shows no love for horror fans until the bitter end. I wanted to love you Mandy, but you rejected me like all the others. What does it take to make you happy? Oh Mandy,  you came and you gave without taking. And I sent you away, Oh Mandy!



















SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Mandy Lanes


Oh Mandy. You came and you didn't kiss the girl in the bathroom scene. And I sent you away! Oh Mandy!



Friday, January 17, 2014

"Hypnotika" review

"Hypnotika" (2013)
Directed by: Who knows?
Written by: a maniac

. . . Hot babe

A lonely nerd wants to score with women. But not just any women. He has his sights set on Julie Smith. He's shooting for the stars. There's only one problem. Julie Smith is not impressed and doesn't want him. That's a big problem. She's seen it all, done it all. What could possibly excite a woman in Julie Smith's league? Hypnotika is the answer. It's a device that allows you to create dreams that feel real. Or was it a way to hypnotize women into wanting you?  Or maybe it was a remote control that plugged you into other people's dreams? Ahh who cares? Julie Smith is in the movie and she's amazing. That's all that matters.

"Hypnotika" is the story of Julie Smith's breasts. Well, not really but it's the only thing worth mentioning. My God her breasts are magnificent. There were a lot of top heavy women in this movie but none of them came close to matching Julie's amazing tits. Kylee Nash has her own abundant charm but her breasts are just not as awe-inspiring as Julie's.

There are plenty of sex scenes in "Hypnotika" to keep your mind occupied as you wonder whether or not you're watching someone's dream of carnal delights or an implanted fantasy. "Hypnotika" has a complicated plot for a late night skin flick. Either that or I was drinking too much. After the third beer I had given up trying to follow the story and waited patiently for Julie Smith to slink back into someone's fantasy.

Most of the sex scenes are standard quality for a B-flick. They go something like this: Disrobe, lick, grind, female performers end scene by staring at camera while unseen director shouts instructions to stare at camera.The only sex scene worth highlighting is at the very end. Julie and the nerd finally get it on in an tour de force performance by Julie. It made me want to live! It reaffirmed my lust for Ms. Smith and her stunning body.

So if you want to watch Julie Smith bounce around people's fantasies, "Hypnotika" has plenty of Julie for your money. If you have any other reason to watch this movie, don't bother. Julie Smith is the only reason. She is the ultimate fantasy woman.


SCORE: 2 out of 4 fantasy woman









Monday, September 16, 2013

"Baby Dolls Behind Bars" review

Baby Dolls Behind Bars (2012)

Director:

Writer:

 

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Maggie
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Sissy
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Matron

Ahh late night Cinemax. Where would I be without you? For that matter, where would Fred Olen Ray be without you? Nowhere that's where. Yeah, using double negatives and hustling suckers for quarters in the circus sideshow that is his life. Thank the Gods there are so many women out there who want to bless us with their surgically enhanced bodies performing a little late night lesbian kissing and tribbing. No pegging though. That's too hardcore for Ray and his softcore romps.

"Baby Dolls Behind Bars" is another in a long line of borderline worthless softcore flicks from Ray and his buxom partners in crime. This time the story revolves a blonde who breaks into prison to stop a jewel thief. Or maybe she gets herself caught. Actually she could have been going undercover. Ahh who cares why she's there? Anyway she runs into a corrupt warden, (the lovely Christine Nguyen), who wears a dog collar and likes having lesbian sex. Then some other stuff happens and some more sex and then I went to bed.

This is a weaker entry in the Ray oevure. What makes one softcore movie better than another you ask? Why the sex scenes of course. This one has the same cast dry humping the same people in the same positions. More of the same, etc, etc. zzzz... The only thing that saves this movie from complete oblivion is Christine Nguyen. My God she's lovely. She always give me the impression that she enjoys having these softcore adventures and she's a pleasure to watch. Her sex scene in the cabin with the jewel thief was magical.

So if you're up late and "Baby Dolls Behind Bars" is on, let a good half hour go by and hold on for the Nguyen scene. It's the only scene worth watching.  Christine and her dog collar choker bring some sleazy joy to this barren B-prison experience.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dog collar wardens


 





Thursday, September 05, 2013

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Julie K Smith is hot

Leather, boots, Julie catwoman...
Now this I remember. It's all coming back to me now.


Sunday, June 10, 2012

"Piranha 3DD" review

Piranha 3DD (2012)





The piranhas are back and they’re silly. A waterpark is being constructed for the sole purpose of letting killer fish swim down the water slide. The usual group of B-movie characters fumble around waiting for their chance to die. The fish do their best to eat as much human flesh before people figure out whether they should throw chlorine in the pool. But it’s near impossible to stop a prehistoric fish when he’s hungry. It’s almost as hard as stopping a B-movie producer when he sees a chance to make a quick buck off of suckers who like Piranha movies.


“Piranha 3-DD” filled me with hope when I saw the movie poster. I believed this was going to be a worthy sequel. The first piranha movie truly earned the horror movie praise, “Orgy of gore”. It was a fun movie filled with porn stars, blood and an Oscar worthy performance from Jerry O’Connell. Unfortunately, “Piranha 3-DD” did not apply any of the lessons learned from the first movie. Instead we are treated to a cut-rate piranha movie that should have gone straight to video. I didn’t think a piranha movie could sink any lower. I was wrong.


The filmmakers should be ashamed and embarrassed that they can’t even make a reasonable sequel to a piranha flick. Fish, boobs, blood. What is so hard to understand about this? Well, let me help you understand what went wrong. You see, in any monster movie that involves aquatic creatures, you have to find a reason to get the victims in the water. In the first movie, we have porn stars swimming naked in a lake full of killer fish. Brilliant. In this movie, we have dopes going down the water slide that get rubber fish thrown at them. Not as brilliant. Actually boneheaded. A waterpark? Seriously? Cheap, lazy and stupid. That pretty much accurately describes this movie.


But then again, is “Piranha 3-DD” any different from the hundreds of B-movies I’ve seen? Not really. As a sequel to a mainstream horror movie, it’s a piece of junk. But as a run of the mill B-flick, it’s pretty standard stuff. There are random shots of naked women running around the pool, a worthless Gary Busey cameo, and scenes of splashing and blood that inevitably happen when a school of CGI fish swarms your pool. I wanted a little more quality out of this sequel but I didn’t get it. I was so sure this movie poster wouldn’t lie to me. Oh well. There’s always “Piranha 3-DDD”. Triple the dollars. Triple the deception. Can’t wait.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 piranhas on vacation


Run away!


Sunday, May 27, 2012

"Nude Nuns with Big Guns" review

Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

Director: Joseph Guzman
Writers: Joseph Guzman, Robert James Hayes II

Asun Ortega ... Sister Sarah
David Castro ... Chavo
Perry D'Marco ... Father Carlittos
Maxie J. Santillan Jr. ... Mr. Foo
Ivet Corvea ... Mistress Charlotte
Aycil Yeltan ... Sister Angelina
Emma Messenger ... Mother Magda


Sister Sarah is a bad nun. She gets mixed up with some drug dealing pimps who can’t wait to rip her vow of chastity from her. When a drug deal goes sour, (as they often seem to do), Sister Sarah is thrown into the whorehouse. The humiliations and drug abuse pile up until a Good Samaritan saves Sarah from her private hell. For his troubles, Sister Sarah puts a bullet in him. Now she will have her vengeance against all men. Lowlife, stinking, rotten, no good, abusing men. She is a (sometimes) nude nun with a (sporadically) big gun.


“Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. There are two elements clearly stated in the title that better manifest itself in this B-movie. I’m pleased to tell you that there are nude nuns and they do, on occasion, carry big guns. But I was more concerned about the nude nuns than I was about the big guns. It could have been “Nude Nuns with Big Knives” and I would have been just as happy.


So Sister Sarah goes on a rampage and kills a lot of scum. Is there anything more to this movie? Anything else worth mentioning? Not really. The title pretty much highlights the message the filmmakers were trying to convey. Well, there was a nice lesbian scene between Sister Sarah and another woman. That scene served as a crucial plot point to show Sarah’s tenderness manifesting itself with some sweet lovemaking. And yes, I’m just kidding. It was yet another scene of mindless exploitation to please the B-movie fans.


That pretty much sums up “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. Mindless exploitation. I suppose it was trying to be a competent rip-off of a Robert Rodriguez movie. It even sampled some “Grindhouse” music and named its strip club the “Titty Flicker”. I’m sure Rodriguez is impressed with this tribute to his A-movie success. As for me, I found it to be a reasonable way to spend an afternoon. The nuns were nude and the guns were huge. That’s all I needed to see.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 nuns with big guns

Monday, May 07, 2012

"The Cabin in the Woods" review

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)





Director: Drew Goddard
Writers: Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard

Kristen Connolly ... Dana
Chris Hemsworth ... Curt
Anna Hutchison ... Jules
Fran Kranz ... Marty
Jesse Williams ... Holden
Richard Jenkins ... Sitterson
Bradley Whitford ... Hadley
Brian White ... Truman
Amy Acker ... Lin

Five friends want to go to a cabin in the woods for the weekend. They want to party, get high, get laid and other things college students do at a cabin in the woods. But they’re not the only ones who want to see them take off for their backwoods party. A mysterious corporation is monitoring their activity to make sure that everything goes as planned. There are certain rituals that have to be followed if you want to have a successful venture into the woods. Will everything go as planned? Why does the corporation care about how to stage a creepy backwoods thriller? They know that they’re not the only ones watching. You have to keep your audience happy.



“Cabin in the Woods” is a brilliant movie. It is one of the few movies I have actually gone to see twice in the theaters. Round two was just as good. But this movie is shocking in how good it is in keeping you wondering why these potential horror movie victims are being monitored. You will have more fun watching this movie if you don’t know too much about it. All you need to know is that it is made for horror fans by acknowledging all of our hopes and desires for a horror flick.



What are the buttons that need to be pressed to stimulate the audience‘s senses? “Cabin in the Woods” explores this question by having two puppet masters, (Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford in hilarious performances), literally push the buttons that propels the story forward. If the “slut” victim doesn’t feel like having sex, Jenkins is there to release the pheromones necessary to get her juices flowing. Once she has opened her blouse to reveal her breasts, she has transgressed enough to warrant her death. Why showing breasts is a transgression I’ll never understand but the horror movie gods must be satisfied.



“Cabin in the Woods” kept me guessing throughout the entire movie. I knew that these college students were being set up but I had no idea why. I assumed it was for the amusement of some off screen entity but had no clue as to where this movie was heading. The ending of the movie is a huge payoff scene. I won’t spoil it for you here but just know that you won’t see it coming. I had a blast watching “Cabin in the Woods”. It needs to be seen. Loved it.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 horror victims



Kiss me.