"The Stay Awake" review

The Stay Awake (1987)

Director: John Bernard
Writer: John Bernard

Shirley Jane Harris
Michele Carey
Bart Fouche... Jason
Tanya Gordon

I bought this video for five bucks. A serial killer gets executed and vows to return from the dead so that he can inflict horrible damage in a B-movie. A few years later a bunch of girls are having a sleep-over at a Catholic school which excites the killer out of his grave. He resurrects himself just so he can break up their stay awake party. I'm not sure how he manages to come back from the dead or why he decides to carry out his revenge on a girl's school. But when faced with incredibly complex movie conundrums like these, I can only respond one way. Ahh, who cares?

It could have been great. Well, at least good. Decent perhaps? A demon attacks a girls sleep-over at their school. Good Lord man! That's a great B-movie setup. So many avenues to exploit. This movie fails miserably.

What happened? Who was in charge? How can you possibly make a slumber party/demon attack movie and not put in any nudity whatsoever? A movie sin has been committed. I was really offended. It just doesn't make sense. Why not use the assets you've got to make the movie somewhat enjoyable? Where are the ethics?

Even the kills by the demon were lame. There's no blood and no naked women running for their lives from the cheap demon. There is nothing good to say about "The Stay Awake". This movie reeks. I bashed it with a hammer after it was over. My five bucks were gone and I was bitter.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Xtro II: The Second Encounter" review

Xtro II: The Second Encounter (1990)

Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Writers: John A. Curtis Edward Kovach

Jan-Michael Vincent ... Dr. Ron Shepherd
Paul Koslo ... Dr. Alex Summerfield
Tara Buckman ... Dr. Julie Casserly
Jano Frandsen ... McShane
Nicholas Lea ... Baines

A couple of B-movie scientists send three human guinea pigs into another dimension to see what horrible trouble they can get into. One doomed soul returns with an alien gestating in her womb. Xtro comes out to play as it bursts out of her stomach and makes a run for the air duct. Xtro plays hide and seek with the idiots in the lab as it pops its head out just long enough so that he can kill them.

Another exciting video box cover. Another crash landing once you hit play. Maybe I should just stare at the box cover and imagine my own movie from now on. "Xtro II" is a typical B-movie rip-off. It's video box cover proudly tells you that it's a hybrid of "Alien" and "Predator". There is no better marketing for a B-movie than to bombard your brain with thoughts of better movies so that you can be suckered into renting it. "Xtro II" exists to steal every Sci-Fi monster movie idea from the 80's and then recycle them for your supposed viewing pleasure.

"Xtro II" is a harmless monster movie that will flash before your eyes and leave no trace of its existence in your memories. It doesn't need to be seen because you've probably already seen it. If you've seen "Alien" and "Aliens" you've already witnessed the best ideas "Xtro II" has going for it.

One last thought, what is it about secret labs that drives monsters crazy? I'm not sure. The producers love labs because that allows them to save money by keeping the action on one or two sets. That leaves more money for the inevitable sequel: "Xtro III: The Third Lab Encounter". Then you can reuse the set from that movie for "Slither Critters: Lab Armageddon". The B-lab massacre must live on.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 alien predator critters

"Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" review

Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (2008)

Director: Keith J. Crocker
Writers: Keith J. Crocker Keith Matturro

Tatyana Kot ... Natasha
Steve Montague ... Wolfgang
Wayne Chang ... Gen. Yugosami
Minerva Borack ... Mrs. Schultz
Jonathan Brown ... Berkenholtz
Brandon Slagle ... Russian Prisoner #1 / Nikolai
Russ Russo ... Russian Prisoner #2 / Sergei
Brenda Cooney ... Lucille
Christina Zuber Crocker ... Fritz
Tammy Dalton ... Candice
Charles Esser ... Helmut Schultz
Heather Leonard ... Israeli Soldier #1

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "Blitzkrieg", but "Gothkill" and "The Bloody Ape" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

The Nazi's are at it again. They're running a sadistic prisoner of war camp where torture and murder are everyday occurrences. A redheaded Russian fighter gets brought to the camp and is beaten to within an inch of her life. She becomes the focal point of the commanders obsession but she won't give in to his cruel abuse. The Nazi's have to call in their Japanese allies to break her as only an imperial soldier can. The rest of the prisoners plot an escape while the Nazi's talk and talk and talk so much that their inane dialogue makes the camp run riot.

We saved "Blitzkrieg" for the finale because it looked like it was going to deliver an over the top sleaze fest. At this point in the B-movie marathon we were expecting great things. We even took a dinner break after the first two movies so that we could be ready for the carnage that was about to be unleashed.

But "Blitzkrieg" surprises you by not going for the blood and guts jugular. And when I say surprises you, I mean disappoints you. Talk about a missed opportunity. "Blitzkreig" wastes a lot of time having banal conversations when it should have been showing us what the head female prison guard can do with a knife, handcuffs and some time to kill.

When jumping into the Naziploitation genre, (surely the lowest exploitation genre there is), certain elements have to manifest themselves in the film. Torture, sex, blood, guts, and other visceral fun must be presented in the sleaziest way possible. "Blitzkreig" is actually under the illusion it's a real movie about a prisoner of war camp. In one of the interviews on the DVD, the director states that he could have made the whole movie a catalog of violent scenes but he didn't want to do that. Why the heck not? Why make a movie like this at all if you weren't prepared to at least try to outsleaze "Ilsa" or "SS Hell Camp"?

Even though the movie fails to be a successful addition to the nasty Nazi genre, it does manage to have a few exploitation scenes that are worth checking out. The redheaded Russian girl, (Tatyana Kot), deserves special mention as she takes the most punishment while carrying the exploitation load for the movie. There is a great scene where she relieves a soldier of his weapon (a la "I Spit on your Grave"), and then runs through the woods naked while blasting soldiers with a machine gun. When the Nazi's finally catch her, they put her through various maniacal tortures that keep her screaming for the rest of the movie.

But "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" disappointed me and the rest of the B-movie marathon attendees. We had high hopes going into it but the movie was too long and boring to give us the blood soaked finale we were hoping for. Oh well. We'll just move on until the next B-movie triple feature.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 screaming Tatyanas

"The Bloody Ape" review

The Bloody Ape (1997)

Director: Keith J. Crocker
Writers: Keith J. Crocker George Reis

Bob Ceislick ... Hippie
Christina Zuber Crocker ... Lady who has her car stolen by ape
Kevin Crocker ... Officer O' Flannery
Yalcin Cucyuksel ... Kapinsky
Domenique ... Rabbis Wife
Salvatore Finkel ... Rabbi Rabinowitz
Michelle Furnaux ... Gingers Roomate #1
Arlene Hansen ... Ginger
George Reis... LoBianco / Ape
Paul Richichi... Lampini

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "The Bloody Ape". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "The Bloody Ape", but "Gothkill" and "Blitzkreig: Escape from Stalag 69" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

Carnival barker Lampini decides he's taken enough abuse from the various dolts in his life and unleashes his secret weapon on them. His pet gorilla is let off the leash and proceeds to attack anyone on Lampini's enemy list. His enemy list is long and thankfully includes a few naked women for the ape to molest. Soon a buffonish cop is on the trail of the mad gorilla but decides the case is too difficult to solve so he tries to dump the blame on an innocent black guy. Can anyone stop this banana addicted ape from continuing his simian rampage?

"The Bloody Ape" is a cheap knock-off of Poe's "Murders in the Rue Morgue". Actually, I don't think cheap is a strong enough word to describe this movie's production values. Rinky-dink comes to mind. Shoddy, mangy, two-bit, are all fine words to describe how much resources were expended to make this movie. It's filmed to look like it was made in the 70's but I doubt 70's drive-in movies looked this cruddy.

So if they didn't take the time to make the movie look good, what did they spend their money on? It wasn't the actors as the entire cast took bad acting to new lows. Although the guy playing the cop was hilariously bad. There was one scene where he yells out something like, "I'm trying to solve a murder here!", that had us laughing hysterically. We rewound that scene three or four times to savor every second of his horrible, hammy acting.

So a gorilla attacks a bunch of people as bad actors wander aimlessly around hoping something interesting happens. There were a few scenes where the ape paws at some naked women but it wasn't too thrilling. "The Bloody Ape" seemed like it was heading for the landfill until something brilliant happened.

In the middle of the gorillas rampage he attacks a woman and then gets in her car. He turns the car on and starts driving down the road! This scene had us laughing for a good five minutes. Seeing the gorilla cruise down the street with his arm out of the window is a classic B-movie moment that I will cherish. It's a unique scene as no other movie has dared have a scene where a gorilla goes for a joy ride.

So if you need a laugh or two watching a worn-out ape jack a car, "The Bloody Ape" could be seen once. Of course it's not a good movie but the gorilla's driving scene saves the day and it became the highlight of our triple movie marathon. We were now ready to move on from ape car thieves to SS camp exploitation.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 joy riding apes

"Gothkill" review

Gothkill (2009)

Director: JJ Connelly
Writer: JJ Connelly

Anastacia Andino... DJ Demon
Eve Blackwater... Kate
Juliya Chernetsky... Demonatrix
Michael Day... Lord Walechia
Frank Dudley... Father Connelly
Flambeaux... Nick Dread
Erica Giovinazzo... Annie
Vlad Marco... Tarot Card Reader
Julie Saad... Witch
Sky Claudette Soto... Go Go Dancer

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "Gothkill". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "Gothkill", but "The Bloody Ape" and "Blitzkreig: Escape from Stalag 69" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

"Gothkill" is about the ancient art of killing Goths. A Catholic priest was burned at the stake during the Inquisition for not jumping on the innocent killing bandwagon. The priest decides he's had it with two faced Catholicism and wants to be with someone he can trust. The Devil of course. Now there's a guy known for his honesty. The Devil makes the priest a deal. If he can ship off enough souls to Hell, the Devil will cut out a piece of the underworld just for him. It takes the priest a few centuries but he finally gets close to his Satanic magic number. All he needs is a few Goths to kill. Thankfully, there's a club full of them and the devil will soon get an overabundance of Goths to play with.

"Gothkill" has the look, feel and smell of a bunch of friends getting together to make a Goth slaughter movie. There doesn't seem to be much point to this flick other than to give the filmmakers an excuse to get the gang together so they could have some fun pretending to kill each other. All roads lead to the climatic scene where the priest goes to town on the Goths in a NYC club. This orgy of gore leads to a more pleasant orgy scene down in Hell where the priest amuses himself with an excessive amount of Goth torture. The movie title doesn't lie. You want dead Goths? "Gothkill" is the movie for you. Goth slaughter awaits.

But while seeing dead Goths piled to the ceiling can be amusing, it's not enough to make a solid B-flick. "Gothkill" is not entertaining enough to compensate for its many other faults. Bad acting, cheap effects, etc. "Gothkill" tries its best to show you the joys of killing freaks but it didn't thrill me too much. My friends agreed and we decided to move on with our triple feature. Goodbye Goths. Hello Bloody Ape.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead goths

"Dark Reel" review

Dark Reel (2008)

Director: Josh Eisenstadt
Writers: Josh Eisenstadt Aaron Pope

Lance Henriksen ... Connor Pritchett
Daniel Wisler ... Tall Man
Edward Furlong ... Adam Waltz
Tiffany Shepis ... Cassie Blue
Rena Riffel ... Detective LaRue
Tate Hanyok ... Elizabeth
Alexandra Holden ... Scarlett May
Mercedes McNab ... Tara Leslie
Brooke Lyons ... Tanya Kismen

I brought "Dark Reel" over to my friend's house so we could explore another Tiffany Shepis B-flick. We've seen her in numerous movies and needed to take in another Shepis adventure. As luck would have it, my friend's girlfriend and her sister just happened to be there that night. They would also know the joy of watching Tiffany scream.

"Dark Reel" is about death, murder and Edward Furlong. Furlong is a B-movie fan who wins a contest to be an extra in a Tiffany Shepis movie. My God, he's hit the jackpot. Tiffany is filming a pirate movie and Furlong gets the chance to plunder and pillage her body. A masked killer is also stalking the set which is not nearly as interesting as watching Furlong make moves on Shepis. Tiffany starts falling for Furlong's abundant geeky charm. Of course she does. What woman can resist a B-movie fan? But Furlong and Shepis have to be careful as nothing brings out blood thirsty slashers and ghosts faster than a scream queen making sweet love to one of her fans.

So the killer slashes his way through the cast while the police question the weird newcomer to the film, the dreaded and feared B-movie fan. They're all crazy. Anyone who would sit through these movies and call them entertainment must be insane. The police are sure that Furlong is gutting the actors so he can advance up the B-movie food chain. But the police will never grasp the complexities of the violent movie fan. It's much more fun to watch than to participate. It's the essence of being a voyeur and Furlong just likes to watch Tiffany do her B-movie thing. Don't we all?

"Dark Reel" is a fair B-flick. It had the potential to be an interesting twist on the slasher movie but it just ends up getting more ridiculous as it goes on. There's a back story about a murdered actress haunting the set but it felt like it was inserted into the movie just to distract us from the fact that we're watching a typical slasher movie. There are a few gory spots but nothing that will make you squirm. But on the plus side, "Dark Reel" hums right along and doesn't cause too much pain. Tiffany gets topless on a couple of occasions and each time was a cause for rejoicing.

My friend and I were satisfied with our latest Shepis adventure. Each time Tiffany got topless, we made sure to point her out to the ladies watching the movie with us. "There's Tiffany Shepis, right there!" I'm sure they appreciate attention to B-movie detail as much as we do. Well, probably not but when you're a B-movie fan, you've just got to share the fun.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Shepis fans

B-movie scream queens often fall in love with their fans. Can you blame them?

"Warrior Queen" review

Warrior Queen (1987)

Director: Chuck Vincent
Writers: Rick Marx Harry Alan Towers

Sybil Danning ... Berenice, Roman ambassador / Swordwoman
Donald Pleasence ... Clodius Flaucus, ruler of Pompeii
Rick Hill ... Marcus, the chariot warrior (as Richard Hill)
Josephine Jacqueline Jones ... Chloe, the senior slave (as J.J. Jones)
Tally Chanel ... Vespa, the new blonde slave
Samantha Fox ... Philomena / Augusta, Clodius' wife (as Stasia Micula)
Suzanna Smith ... Veneria, the experienced blonde slave

I rented this one from my terrible local video store. Why do I keep going back there? It's probably because they have such an eclectic variety of B-movies to choose from. Not only is Sybil Danning in this one but it also has porn legend Samantha Fox. If you saw "Dracula Exotica", you know what I'm talking about.

As for "Warrior Queen", let's just say it's not Fox's finest work. Speaking of career lows, Donald Pleasence shows up as the ruler of Pompeii. He tries to impress Warrior Queen Sybil Danning but it's to no avail. Danning is so bored with this movie she looks like she's going to fall asleep. One of Pleasance's party tricks is to release doves and then try to catch them with a butterfly net. He runs around and acts completely insane which surprisingly doesn't endear him to Queen Danning. At this point in the movie I had to stop and ask myself, why did I rent this garbage? Then, right on cue, an orgy broke out. Ahh ha. I knew there was sleaze hiding here somewhere.

"Warrior Queen" is an exceedingly lame B-movie with a great video box cover. There's just something about a picture of barbarian women with the name Sybil Danning on the top that I find hard to resist. There are a few violent scenes as various gladiators do battle with each other as lamely as possible. There's also a thrilling volcano explosion that was lifted from a better movie.

But if you are going to subject yourself to this, make sure you rent the unrated version and your fast forward button is working. You'll have a lot of filler to get through to see the orgiastic excesses of Pompeii. And I don't mean Emperor Pleasance and his lust for dove catching.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Queen Dannings

Achtung Sybil.

"Hospital Massacre" review

Hospital Massacre (1982)

Director: Boaz Davidson
Writers: Marc Behm Boaz Davidson

Barbi Benton ... Susan Jeremy
Charles Lucia ... Harry / Harold (as Chip Lucia)
Jon Van Ness ... Jack
John Warner Williams ... Dr. Saxon
Den Suries ... Dr. Beam

Barbi Benton goes to a hospital and it's a massacre. Various people die horribly as Barbi gets checked out. Years earlier she had rejected some poor young psychos valentine which led to predictably violent results. Her friend ended up paying the price for her cruel dismissal of her would be suitor. Flash forward a couple of years and she has turned into a beautiful woman. Unfortunately her broken hearted childhood admirer still hasn't learned to let go and stalks her at a hospital. Her bloody Valentine will not let her leave the hospital until it's a complete massacre.

I enjoyed "Hospital Massacre". It was a ridiculous slasher flick but very entertaining in its own brain dead way. Benton pops into the hospital for some test results and won't leave until every single person has been killed. There are plenty of gory scenes to enjoy as Benton makes her rounds. Every medical instrument gets used in an attempt to end all human life at this hospital. Heads are lopped off, axes are stuck in skulls and various other people meet untimely ends.

Of course I never could figure out exactly what was wrong with Benton that she needed to be in the hospital in the first place. But I'm not a doctor. Oh wait, I guess I am. Although I'm not exactly sure what was ailing Barbi, her doctor had to take her shirt and bra off to diagnose the problem.

The highlight of the movie was Barbi getting examined by a horny doctor. His stethoscope was scanning every inch of her chest to find that elusive heartbeat. "Breathe in", he would say as Barbi's chest rose. He would follow that with, "Breathe out" and Barbi's breasts would fall. He gave this instruction about 5-10 times. I appreciate that level of professionalism. He had to get at the root of the problem. The problem, of course, was Barbi's bra. It was way too confining. It had to go. Problem solved.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Barbis

"Talk Dirty" review

Talk Dirty (2003)

Director: Clark Stewart
Writer: Martin Olmedo

Nichole McAuley ... Det Allison Germanetti (as Nicole)
Lezley Zen ... Tina (as Lesley Zen)
Monique Alexander ... Stacie
Kaylynn ... Maria
Ann Marie ... Violet

Oh Cinemax. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I caught "Talk Dirty" on that great late night cable station which is really the only place to see such fine cinema. I saw that Lezley Zen was in it and was ready to hear some dirty talk. Cinemax has brought us so much softcore joy over the years that I felt certain that this would be another winner.

"Talk Dirty" is about sex and talking dirty. A cable talk show host is killed. Fortunately, she manages to get in a lesbian sex scene before she passes on to that adult talk show in the sky. Soon a hot blonde detective will be on the case. More people get killed while other people have sex. To paraphrase "Full Metal Jacket", the dead only know one thing, it is better to be having sex. The movie ends with a little more sex.

"Talk Dirty" is a fine softcore flick. All of the women were hot and the sex was pretty good too. Lezley Zen was looking especially good with her outrageously hard body. My vote for hottest scene goes to the blonde and her boyfriend getting it on in the bathtub. Now that's a good ending. They could've talked a little dirtier but I guess they were trying to get clean. Words would've just slowed them down.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 babes of Cinemax

Everything Zen.

"Shadowzone" review

Shadowzone (1990)

Director: J.S. Cardone
Writer: J.S. Cardone

Louise Fletcher ... Dr. Erhardt
David Beecroft ... Capt. Hickock
James Hong ... Dr. Van Fleet
Frederick Flynn ... Tommy Shivers
Shawn Weatherly ... Dr. Kidwell
Miguel A. Núñez Jr. ... Wiley

A group of scientists are conducting dream experiments in an underground lab. They accidentally kill one of the volunteers so the marines get called in. It turns out that the scientists have unleashed a creature from the dream dimension or Shadowzone. The creature fills you with your greatest fears and then destroys you. Soon many victims will wander off down dark hallways in search of their B-movie doom.

Another underground laboratory. Another monster attacking. Another B-movie "Alien" rip-off. Another beautiful naked woman lying in a glass tube. Hey, wait a minute, that's kind of new. Oh no. Wait. That was in "Lifeforce". Oh yeah. But the amount of time this female stays in her test tube is much longer than the naked woman in "Lifeforce". In fact, I would venture to say that "Shadowzone" has the longest scene of a naked woman lying in a glass tube in motion picture history. Now that's good cinema.

The rest of the movie has the monster attacking dolts in fairly regular intervals. "Shadowzone" is entertaining in it's own predictable B-movie way. Unfortunately the monster disturbs the naked woman's slumber and the viewer starts weeping. Don't jostle the tube man! Watching naked Sleeping Beauty was the highlight of the movie. The rest was non-tube related.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 naked women in glass tubes

"Demonicus" review

Demonicus (2001)

Director: Jay Woelfel
Writers: Tim Sullivan Jay Woelfel

Gregory Lee Kenyon... James / Tyranus
Venesa Talor... Gina
Brannon Gould... Dino
Kyle Tracy... Joe

A bunch of college students decide to go on a hiking trip. One of them wanders off so he can search a cave for something interesting. You know, like bats, stalactites, remains of an ancient Roman gladiator, etc. He finds some armor so naturally he has to try it on. This unleashes the spirit of K-marticus, the Mighty Cheap. He must now go out into the wilderness to slaughter his friends as cheaply as possible.

Wow. What a stinker. This movie will convince you that anyone on the planet Earth with a camera and $100 can make a movie. I don't think my expectations were too high going in but the mighty K-marticus struck me down with his blue light super saving budget sword. I've been searching for many years but I finally found the bottom of the barrel. "Demonicus" was waiting for me.

There are many things wrong with "Demonicus". I could list them all but that would take too much time. Instead I'm trying to think of something positive to say. Now there's a challenge! Hmmm...There were some gore scenes as K-marticus attacked his friends on a regular basis. Then again, all of the gore scenes were cheap and terrible. I guess that wasn't too positive. Oh well. At least "Demonicus" is over and I never have to see it again. Now that's being positive.

SCORE: LANDFILL