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Saturday, December 13, 2008

"Feast II: Sloppy Seconds" review

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

Director: John Gulager
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Jenny Wade ... Honey Pie
Clu Gulager ... Bartender
Diane Goldner ... Biker Queen
Martin Klebba ... Thunder
Carl Anthony Payne II ... Slasher
Tom Gulager ... Greg
Hanna Putnam ... Secrets

I headed over to Burbank to watch "Feast II". My friend had spotted it in my Netflix queue and wanted to get in on the action. I'm all for sharing the B-movie experience as many a movie has been saved by having someone else there to yell at the screen. This had to be a classic Burbank experience so we had to have some Chipoltle first. Remember, real men eat burrito bowls before watching monster movies. If the movie stinks, at least you get some quality dinner first.

After a fine chicken burrito bowl experience, we headed back to my friend's apartment. His roommate and a big, black dog also wanted to indulge in some B-monster mayhem. The more the merrier. So with the help of a large shot of Jameson's and some beer we settled in to watch "Feast II". The monsters from the first "Feast" are back and they're silly. This time they are running amok inside a town. Another group of misfits band together to try to out smart the beasts. That'll be tough since the monsters seem to have more brains than any of them. There's another girl who traps herself in a store and then tries to break out again and again for no apparent reason. Then there's a guy hiding in a jail, some other people get killed and ahh who cares?

"Feast II" is not as nearly as much fun as it should have been. It's got midget wrestlers, catapults, topless motorcycle babes, and tons of blood, puss, and general monster fluids flying everywhere. But I'm watching this freak show and wondering what the point of all this mayhem is. Of course, there is no point other than to indulge the filmmakers desire to be as goofy as they want to be. The filmmakers of a superior monster movie have insisted on making their sequel so mind numbingly pointless that it's near impossible to enjoy the mishmash of B-movie elements being hurled at the screen.

But the real letdown with "Feast II" is that they are so preoccupied with being as juvenile as possible that they forgot that they were making a monster movie. There is nothing scary about "Feast II". The monsters are an afterthought as one ridiculous scene rolls into another. There is an extended monster autopsy scene which captures the moronic heart and soul of this movie. As one idiot dissects the beast, monster fluids keep spraying on the people gathered around the corpse. This scene drags on so that everybody gets a good soaking. What's the point you ask? It's hilarious of course! Aren't you laughing at all the monster guts being tossed around? I hope you were because I wasn't.

I was waiting for a horror movie to start but it never did. The first "Feast" movie was a great monster flick with plenty of blood and guts to keep everyone happy. "Feast II" lets the filmmakers off the chain so that they can make the most haphazard B-flick they can dream up. It's a collection of exploitation scenes held together by horny midgets and angry biker chicks.

So if you love flicks with midget wrestlers who hang out with tattooed biker women, look no further. But if you really liked the first "Feast" and its endless monster carnage, you'll be let down by this aimless exercise in B-movie excess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sloppy feasts

10 comments:

Ghidorah said...

You are a bit hard on feast II I think!

Although very weak compared to Feast I it is very good when compared to most monster movies coming out theses days...

For the interested, I've got some screenshots (including the big dicked midget and the topless biker dykes) here

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

dr. gore i have to disagree, "Feast 2: Sloppy seconds" is blistering brilliance from first frame to last, not just one of the best horror films i`ve ever seen but one of the best films of any genre ever made, easily worthy of a 4 out of 4 rating and about a hundred times better than the over-rated original, and one of those biker chicks was so hot, the young bird with the short black hair, she was gorgeous, in fact the only disapointing thing about the whole movie was that we didn`t get to see that chick completely naked. When that monster spunked all over her it was such a turn-on, i wish she would appear in a porno movie so we could see a real dick spunking all over her, i bet with your contacts within the industry you could easily get a date with her, she must be an actress who`s just starting out, if you got in touch with her and told her you could help her get parts in horror movies she would be yours for the taking, imagine what you could do to that bird, (thats right, i`m thinking primarily about buggering her astonishing arse-hole, and spunking into her beautiful sexy mouth and then watch her guzzle the whole wad down her lushious young throat). Anyway getting back to the movie, i`m really looking forward to "feast 3", i just hope that incredible bird is in that one as well and maybe this time we will get to see a close-up of her breathtaking arse-hole, that would make the film perfect irrespective of what the rest of it was like.

Heather Santrous said...

I know that Feast II has its fans, apartently some are fans more than others, but I have to agree with what you thought of it. I know that the first film had its share of comedy, but I still thought it was a well made horror film.

Like you, I was really disappointed in this sequel. I suppose I will still watch the 3rd film, just so I can say I watch the whole series. I'm hoping they get back to what made the first film a good film though.

thebonebreaker said...

Hey, this one has been at the top of my Netflix Queue [long wait] as well - you were holding this & Hell Ride up!! :-)

As a fan of the 1st one, I am disappointed in reading your review, though the two comments above still give me some hope. . .

Thanks for the Review Doc!

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

Ghidorah,

"Feast II" was a little hard on me. I really wanted it to be as much fun as the first movie but it wasn't. It might have been a bit more polished than the usual straight to video flick but it's still a mess.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

Sneering Snob,

We continue to agree to disagree. "Blistering brilliance" would probably be close to the last phrase I would use to describe "Feast II". The last phrase I would use is "Unmitigated genius". But the delicate phrase I would use to describe the festering boil that is "Feast II" is "whack-off movie". This movie is an excuse for the filmmakers to whack the vida loca and waste everybody's time. They squandered a great, simple horror movie premise so that they could shoot monster spunk in all directions.

But I agree with you about the black haired biker girl. I was glad they took the time to get her top off. I can't say I always go for the Suicide Girl look but she would definitely be an exception. "Feast III" needs her bad.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

Heather,

Yeah, "Feast" was a cool, simple horror flick. Monsters attack bar, people kill monsters, the end. "Feast II" is more interested in comedy. Or rather, the filmmakers are more interested in making themselves laugh with their unlimited supply of monster spermatozoa.

I suspect "Feast III" is also going to fly off the rails but like you, I will most likely watch it too. You have to be an eternal optimist when you're a horror fan.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

Bonebreaker,

It was me all along! HAHAHAHAHAHA!(Joker laugh). But I have good news. I've thrown both movies back in the mail so they should be coming your way soon.

the jaded viewer said...

I liked the gratuitous infanticide which was a big hoot. Not as good as part I but decent. Maybe the talk of monster/human hybrids in Part 3 will make the final Feast kick ass.

the jaded viewer

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

Monster/human hybrids you say? Hmmm... Let's just hope that part 3 has the black haired biker girl in it. Maybe they could change all of the biker gang into monsters and have the beasts tear up the town while riding their bikes. At least we'd avoid another monster spunk flooding with the babes being the monsters. Although something tells me the filmmakers could always find a way.