Saturday, December 17, 2005
Season of the Hunted (2003)
Directed by Ron Sperling
Writing credits Phil Faicco
Muse Watson.... Frank
Timothy Gibbs.... Steve
Suzy McCoppin.... Jennifer (as Suzie McCoppin)
"Season of the Hunted" is about a couple of New York guys fighting with a couple of country boys. Five city guys head to the woods and hook up with seven bumpkins for some bow hunting. After two long scenes of the city guys laughing like hyenas at every lame joke, they finally head to the woods for some hunting. The city boys are betrayed as the country guys want them to squeal like a pig. The rest of the movie is a bow and arrow massacre as arrows fly, blood spurts, and guys squeal.
Do you like seeing arrows stick out of a person's body? If you answered yes, rent this movie immediately. If arrow gore doesn't do it for you, skip this one. "Season of the Hunted" is completely predictable. The bad hunters turn on the city guys with lightning speed and proceed to hunt them down. While there was some decent gore effects, there really isn't much excitement or tension in this flick. I knew what was going to happen at every step of the way. After the fourth arrow hit its target, I knew the movie was out of surprises.
B-movie all the way, "Season of the Hunted" might be good for some cheap arrow thrills but not much else. Oh, and there is a quick sex scene at the beginning with a blonde and the main hunter. It's always smart to start off a movie with a sex scene. The blonde seems to know her stuff. And knows it very well.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for massive arrow hunting attacks
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Directed by Brett Piper Writing credits Brett Piper
Julian Wells.... Teresa Razzini
Erika Smith.... Trix
A bunch of spiders turn into blood sucking mutant spiders when they eat a super hybrid of pot. A crate of the stuff ends up at a strip club. The rest of the movie writes itself.
I enjoyed "Bite me!". It was a proud B-movie. One of the posters on the strip club manager's wall was for "Barbed Wire Dolls". I wouldn't put "Bite Me!" in the same category as that sleaze masterpiece but I had some fun watching it. The spiders were cheap, the strip club looked like an abandoned garage, the strippers were sleepy but "Bite Me!" is good for some cheap Saturday night entertainment.
I've given Misty Mundae a lot of grief but she's starting to grow on me. I think I like her better when she has her clothes on. She was pretty good in this one. Any girl who lets a blood sucking spider attack her can't be all bad.
The best scene has Julian Wells as the uptight businesswoman who loosens up when a spider chomps her. "You call that dancing?! I'll show you dancing." She then hops on stage to do some spider venom stripping. I rewound that scene four times. I especially liked the whip sound effect when Wells whips her hair around. She has got the hair toss down. Whip it Wells. Whip it good.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 for hot Julian hair-whipping action
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Sexy American Idle (2003)
Directed byJohn Paul Fedele
Writing credits John Bacchus John Paul Fedele
An entire lesbian sex empire built around a pale skinned, flat chested short woman. It boggles the mind. I am of course referring to the enigma that is Misty Mundae. Somehow, someway this woman has come to symbolize lesbian sex flicks. On my quest to find some answers, I happened upon some people who explained to me that a) Misty has a cute face and looks really young and b) she seems more approachable, (i.e. "normal") than most other sex stars. A girl you could meet and hang out with in other words. Well my friends, I have not fallen under her spell because a) yes, she has a cute face but I like women, not young girls and b) I'm not hanging out with her so why would I care how "normal" she may or may not be in real life. My criticisms of Mundae are irrelevant of course. I see now that she is a rock star in the porn world. So rock on Misty Mundae. Give the devil her due.
All of this brings me to "Sexy American Idle". A bunch of people enter a talent contest. Every single, solitary one of them has no talent. That's the joke. Ha Ha ehhhh.. For some reason, the filmmakers thought it would be hilarious to have a bunch of people singing off-key. Hmmmm….
First off, let me state that I watched the R-rated version. I know. I know. Only a desperate fool would sit through an R-rated Seduction flick. I have no defense. I was crying tears of shame when I saw the R rating on the DVD. I thought I ordered the unrated version. Dang it.
Although I sat through the R-rated version, I don't think "Sexy American Idle" was designed to be the usual Seduction Sapphic love fest. It must have been goof-off week when they made this one. Most of the heavy hitters are here: Julian Wells, Misty Mundae, Anoushka, A.J. Khan, and Darian Caine. So what do they do with the talent? Not much unless you count acting goofy in a talent show. Where's the sex you ask? It's in another movie. Or maybe it's hiding in the unrated version because the sex scenes in the version I saw were tame and lame.
I can now safely say that Julian Wells needs to be doing more comedy. "Sexy American Idle" puts the spotlight on her and she goes for it. She has three characters: A snooty judge, a leotard wearing dancer and a horrible burn victim. The judge was funny, the dancer could stretch her leg really, really high and the burn victim was nasty. The best scene had Judge Julian getting physical with a contestant on her couch. A couple of Singapore Slings and the judge was ready to get down to business. I have never heard it called a "fireman" before. The things I learn watching her.
"Sexy American Idle" can be fun if you're familiar with the Seduction babes and want to see them cut up. The scenes with the judges were funny. The guy doing the Ozzy impersonation did a good job. Most of the scenes that didn't involve the actual talent contest were OK but once the movie shifts back to the talentless contest, your eyes will start rolling. I didn't need to see the dancing gorilla. Send him to the zoo please. The old guy with the missing teeth needs to get lost as well. One look at him kills any mood the movie might have been trying to set. All of the bad singing probably could have been shortened to ease some pain. Mundae may be a rock star but she can't sing to save her life.
Overall, it's hard to judge this one. As a Seduction sex flick, it's a failure. There's no sex that I could see. Well, no good sex. Dang R-rated version. But as a loose comedy with the Seduction babes, it's OK. If you're feeling goofy one night, this flick might be what you seek.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 high kicking Julians
Pleasures of a Woman (2002)
Directed by Ted W. Crestview
Darian Caine.... April
Syn DeVil.... Meagan
Julian Wells.... Vivian
"Pleasures of a Woman" is a short remake of a short movie. The DVD I saw had both versions on it. "Pleasures of a Woman" is about women seeking pleasure. Julian Wells meets her niece after a funeral. Naturally, they must have sex. First, Julian grabs her niece's shoe and rubs it all over herself. Then Julian grabs her niece and rubs her all over herself. A large breasted woman shows up and also wants some pleasure. Julian sends the two lovebirds away and starts playing with another shoe. Soon Wells will have enough of shoes and jump into the sack to join the pleasure party already in progress. More pill popping and pleasure follow.
If there is one kink I never understood, its shoes and feet. Well, that's not entirely true. I do like seeing women wear long, black jack boots. In one scene, Darian Caine puts on her boots and steps on Julian's vagina. This excites Julian immensely. Now I like seeing long jack boots but I wouldn't want a woman squashing my testicles with them. Another scene has Julian taking a stiletto heel and ramming it into her nipples. That can't feel good. That was one pleasure of a woman I couldn't comprehend.
Anyway, forgetting about feet for a moment, "Pleasures of a Woman" doesn't quite measure up to the original. Porn back in the seventies was a wonderful thing. You know why? Because it was dirty! That is the one element that is missing from modern porn. The original was full of guilt and lust. The remake is just a cheap lesbian love fest. The Seduction babes have made out with each other so much that it's starting to feel like they're in an extended porn family relationship. What I'm saying is, where's the desire? "Pleasures of a Woman" just goes through the straight to video lesbian hoops. Nothing too hot here.
However, if you're an undemanding lover of Sapphic delights, you probably won't mind spending time with Julian and friends. Wells has her long legs and freckled breasts working overtime in this one. Caine and the large breasted woman have a decent sex scene near the end. It's probably worth a look. At any rate, one more ride on the Julian Wells love machine can't be all bad as long as she's not playing with shoes. That kink needs to go. Shoes belong on feet, not rubbed on breasts. Someone had to say it.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 for hot shoe licking action
That 70's Girl (2003)
Directed by Johnny Crash Writing credits Johnny Crash Michael Raso
Misty Mundae.... Petal
Julian Wells.... Ashleigh
Suzi Lorraine.... Jennifer (as Kelli Summers)
"That 70's Girl" is a complete and total rip-off. The filmmakers should be ashamed of themselves for taking advantage of boneheaded suckers like me. They even knew they were ripping the viewers off and tried to make up for it by including some retro Swedish sexploitation monstrosity on the DVD. "Dr. Christina goes to Finland" or something. I didn't pay for Dr. Christina. I wanted the Seduction babes to do their thing! Almost every sex scene in "That 70's Girl" is filmed in slow motion. You know why? Because if it wasn't the movie would have been 15 minutes long! Egad. Terrible.
Let's do the rundown. Misty Mundae - Flat chested but tries her best. AJ Khan - Is hot enough and horny enough to star in her own Emmanuelle movies. Kelli Summers - A complete blank slate. She may be one of the worst actresses I have ever seen but, when she took her top off, I understood why she was in this film. Julian Wells - The best scene in the movie had Wells giving herself a rubdown in the shower. I especially liked the soap falling out of the bellybutton. I'm not sure why. But since I don't really go for scenes like that I can officially declare "That 70's girl" as a dead zone of softcore erotica.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Directed by Joseph Kahn Writing credits Matt Johnson
Ice Cube.... Trey
Martin Henderson.... Ford
Monet Mazur.... Shane
Jaime Pressly.... China
I saw "Torque" in a near deserted movie theater. It was me in the second row and two 13 or 14 year old guys in the back row. We were the target audience. "Torque" hit a bullseye for us. So if you're not a teenage boy or a B-movie lunatic, avoid "Torque". If you fit into the profile audience for an insane biker flick, see this movie immediately.
"Torque" is hilarious. I was cheering through the whole thing. It wasn't just the stunts that had me going. It was the dialogue as well. When the main biker tries to make up with his girlfriend who he ditched he says, "I wrote letters." She says, "I made fires." I just had a laughing fit writing that.
Ice Cube shows up as the angriest biker in the world. He has a permanent scowl on his face. Just looking at him had me laughing. All the macho elements of a biker flick are on proud display. The hard rock was cranked up as the bikers did battle. There was Kid Rock and Static-X. It was a hard rock party. I had a good time.
Speaking of Static-X, the last scene with super hot Jaime Pressly has "Push it" blasting away as she does battle with the main blonde biker. Ah Jaime. What a special effect you are. Good Lord, she can squeeze into a pair of leather pants. Gotta love it.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 Presslys in leather
Directed by Richard Donner Writing credits Andy Wachowski & Larry Wachowski
Sylvester Stallone.... Robert Rath
Antonio Banderas.... Miguel Bain
Julianne Moore.... Electra
All movies start off with a grace period where the possibilities for a good movie still exist. Your mind is full of hope. "Assassins" grace period lasts for about two seconds. When the movie started, I was living in a dream world. Then Stallone showed up as a hitman wearing a sweater. I woke up screaming.
"Assassins" is the definition of lame. You know things are bad when Stallone won't even kill his target at the beginning of the movie. His victim is whining and blubbering about how Stallone only kills bad people. Stallone looks pensive in his mighty sweater. His words of whining really touch Stallone. Then Stallone gives the guy a gun to kill himself! Stallone is an assassin right? That's his job title right? Aren't assassins supposed to, uh, assassinate people? Ugh. How lame.
So Banderas shows up to take Stallone out of the picture. Banderas knows that Stallone has got to go. It's that dang sweater. Stallone should never wear a sweater. Hitmen don't wear sweaters. Stallone could not get into the idea of being an assassin so Banderas had to come along and finish him off. It's not often I root for Banderas. The sweater made me do it.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 comfy sweaters
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Directed by Jose Prendes Writing credits Jose Prendes
Richard Lynch.... General Morton
Jose Prendes.... Malcolm Grant/Quint Barrow
Brinke Stevens.... Dr. Emily Thesiger
Debbie Rochon.... Marguerite
Linnea Quigley.... Elli Kroger
"Corpses are Forever" reeks. It is a sick joke of a horror flick. It is supposed to be some sort of zombie flick but it's all a lie. The movie is just an excuse to gather some B-movie divas together so that the filmmakers could waste their time. Mission accomplished.
But what about that diva trio? Surely they could add something worthwhile to this garbage? Well, there's Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley and Debbie Rochon. Now that's three scream queens. Count them. Three. Ask me how many of them got naked. Go on and ask me. You ready? NONE! BOOOO!!! All we get is a bargain basement James Bond who continually checks his ammo while confused zombies wander around wondering what the heck they are doing in this movie.
Pardon me while I go take a shower. I need to wash this movie down the drain.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Blue Demon (2004)
Directed by Daniel Grodnik
Writing credits Daniel Grodnik Lisa Morton
Dedee Pfeiffer.... Marla Collins
Randall Batinkoff.... Nathan Collins
Danny Woodburn.... Van Allen
Jeff Fahey.... General Remora
"Blue Demon" is one of the lamest straight to video shark movies I have ever seen. Beware PG-13 giant killer shark movies. They will cause you pain. But more specifically, this giant killer shark movie will cause you pain.
"Blue Demon" is about some genetically altered sharks that break out of a lab and cause havoc. Based on that description alone, you would think that this was going to be some "Deep Blue Sea" B-movie rip-off. I like B-movie rip-offs. In fact, I enjoy them immensely. But "Blue Demon" is just a rip-off in the general sense of the word. Like, "Wow! What a rip-off!" "Blue Demon" doesn't even have the common sense to know what good movie to rip-off. It's actually trying to be funny as the worst shark effects in the world bob along in the ocean. They have one cardboard fin that tears through the water at one mile an hour. Amazingly, these stupid sharks don't catch a lot of their prey. They also have another computer animated shot of the sharks swimming in a pack that looks like something I could whip together in a Power Point slide show.
Overall, "Blue Demon" is a very lame attempt at some cheap shark thrills. It must be avoided. You don't want this beast to inflict its pain on you.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 cut-rate fake sharks
Directed by Gregory Gieras Writing credits Gregory Gieras
Larry Casey.... David Stone
Margaret Cash.... Sara
Trevor Murphy.... Jake
If there's one thing the world needs more of, it's killer centipede movies. In fact, I think "Centipede" is the first killer centipede movie ever made. I have seen all kinds of giant animals rampage on unsuspecting fools. Lions, bears, sharks, eels, rats, hogs, dogs, have all attacked humans at some point. So I was filled with great joy when I saw "Centipede" sitting on the shelf. I had to rent it immediately.
Well, like most B-movies, the concept is great but the movie is lacking. The centipede did not fill me with dread. It looked like a cardboard beast with some spray paint. At no point did I even remotely believe that the centipede was alive and attacking people. I understand the concept of suspension of disbelief but come on.
Another problem was the lack of lighting. Even if I wanted to see the cardboard monster, I couldn't make him out because a lot of the movie was shot in the dark. The characters are stuck in a cave in India with an angry centipede. The beast likes to strike in the dark. He's shy around cameras. The buddies try to out run the monster while the Indian police plan to blow it up. Plenty of cardboard monster attacks follow.
"Centipede" is too cheap and too cheesy. It's also PG-13 so that should give you an idea on the violence level or lack thereof. The ex-girlfriend was hot and can really stretch her legs but other than that there's nothing much here to recommend.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 cheap centipede monsters
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Land of the Dead (2005)
Directed by George A. Romero Writing credits George A. Romero
Simon Baker.... Riley
John Leguizamo.... Cholo
Dennis Hopper.... Kaufman
Asia Argento.... Slack
Eugene Clark.... Big Daddy
Jennifer Baxter.... Number 9
America has become the Land of the Dead. The humans hide behind large gated communities while the inhuman monsters scrounge around outside. Soon the zombies will start evolving and realize they want more from their undead existence than just pretending to live. They want what the humans have: Their brains, hearts, lungs, and other mouth watering organs. A few humans get together to stop the dead with the help of fireworks and some very large automatic weapons.
There may not have been as much subtext in "Land of the Dead" as some of the other Romero zombie movies for people to chew on but it worked fine for me. The only thing I want to see chewed on in a zombie movie is as many guts as possible. Romero knows how to stage effective gore scenes and "Land of the Dead" certainly doesn't disappoint. Once again the morally bankrupt humans invite disaster by dedicating their lives to cheap thrills. Zombie target practice, gladiator fights etc. The zombies have had enough of their so-called humanity. They'll set them straight on whose land this is. "Land of the Dead" is a fine zombie flick. I was pleased. It's got blood, guts, and Asia Argento killing zombies. What's not to like?
One last thing, how about that zombie Number 9? You know, the girl in the softball uniform carrying a baseball bat? That was some hot zombie action. Even with half of her face shredded off, I still thought she looked good. I'm glad she was stuck at the head of the pack with Big Daddy and the butcher. Thankfully she hadn't decomposed too much when the zombies started their rampage. You hate to see a zombie girl lose her looks to time, the elements, or death.
SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 zombie babes with baseball bats
Directed by Johnny Crash Writing credits John Paul Fedele Terry West
Misty Mundae.... Patricia Porker (Spiderbabe)
Julian Wells.... Lucinda Knox (Femtilian)
Darian Caine.... Lisa Knoxx
Holy cow. They actually spent some money on this one. Location shooting! Special effects! Lightning bolts! Spiderwebs! Massive explosions! Costumes! Misty Mundae actually looking hot! Wow. That was the best part.
I got to admit. Misty Mundae looked good in this one. Her Spiderbabe costume worked wonders for her. Speaking of hot costumes, Julian Wells rides the Bi-Polar express in a tour de force performance as Femtilian/Lucinda Knoxx. I like her much more when she loosens up. Most movies she's in she has got some serious pouting going on. In "Spiderbabe", her dastardly experiment turns her into a lizard babe and lets her have some fun. We all win when that happens.
So Spiderbabe runs around town and makes out with a lot of women. The citizens of New York are very grateful. I especially liked the Queen B wrestler scene. That was some good wrestling. The truly amazing thing about "Spiderbabe" is that it actually made me laugh! Misty Mundae made me chuckle with her various job fantasies, especially being the nurse. Overall, I was pleased with "Spiderbabe". It's worth a look.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 Femtilian superbabes
Directed by D.J. Caruso Writing credits Jon Bokenkamp
Angelina Jolie.... Illeana
Ethan Hawke.... Costa
Kiefer Sutherland.... Hart
Gena Rowlands.... Mrs. Asher
Olivier Martinez.... Paquette
A friend of mine went out to see the Hollywood premiere of "Taking Lives" at the Grauman's Chinese Theater. He was very excited to be there although he tells me a lot of the spectacle is lost on him. "I went to get my popcorn and I ran into Oliver Stone. I had no idea it was him until somebody told me." He also said, "They have this weird thing where they turn the lights off and on inside the theater for three minutes. It was very odd." But, I said, surely we can both agree that Angelina Jolie is incredibly hot. "Oh definitely," he said, "She was there and was looking good." We pretty much agreed that she was the highlight of the premiere. Celebrity-wise anyway.
I was glad he had a good time at the premiere. I was thinking of him as I sat in my tiny Florida movie theater with an old woman coughing behind me. My movie going experience and his were slightly different. I was back watching this one in the mighty Theater 4. Theater 4 is where movies go to die. I was surprised "Taking Lives" had fallen so fast. Once movies hit Theater 4, the next stop is a video store shelf.
The highlight of "Taking Lives" is, of course, Angelina Jolie. Those lips are made for kissing. If she's in a movie and she's not kissing someone, there has been a fatal error. Angelina also gets topless for a quick sex scene. Ahhhh. That was nice.
As for the rest of the movie, it was adequate, all right, average, not bad, okay, ordinary, passable, reasonable, so-so, tolerable, same ol' same ol', been there, done that, blah, blah, blah. The serial killer movie has been done to death. This was one more nail in the coffin.
So some nutbag is TAKING LIVES and Jolie has to stop him. She is supposed to be some sort of expert on serial killers. Yet they never really explain why she's so special. She stares at gory pictures and hangs out in graveyards but she doesn't really strike me as knowing any more than any other cop. Her investigation leads to more mangled corpses and some mundane chase scenes. It's all very ho hum and very predictable.
At least it had Angelina Jolie putting her lips to good use. In my book, that will always save a movie from becoming a disaster.
SCORE: 2 0ut of 4 Angelina lips
Lust in Space: The Erotic Witch Project IV (2005)
Directed by John Bacchus Writing credits John Bacchus Michael Raso
Darian Caine.... Captain Caine
A.J. Khan.... Colonel Khan
Bethany Lott.... Kitty Carter
Alexia Moore.... Doctor Davis
I felt a strong “Star Trek II” moment boil up inside of me while watching “Lust in Space”. When I got to the scene where A.J. Khan and Darian Caine were making out on a couch and A.J. put her hand around Caine’s throat, I let out a loud Captain Kirk cry, “KHAAAAN!” My bellowing was echoing so loud, you could hear it from space. Khan brought the lust bug to our planet and we’re all better for it.
“Lust in Space” is a pretty typical Seduction Cinema flick. Khan and friends head to Earth and keep looking for places to have sex. Good news! They find plenty of spots for spontaneous Earthly loving. They keep wandering in and out of houses while making sure to stop and have as much sex as possible.
There is one big difference in this one when compared to other Seduction flicks. There are actually scenes of a guy having sex! Can you believe it? I was in shock. A cop keeps showing up and women keep taking off their clothes. They can’t resist him. I did like the one sex scene on the couch with the girl who just couldn’t stop kissing. You usually don’t see much kissing in these movies. I really wanted to like the lovely, large breasted Alexia Moore. Unfortunately she didn’t really seem all that excited to be there. She seemed bored and she bored me as well. Too bad. What a shame.
“Lust in Space” is OK. The main selling point here is A.J. Khan. Her Caine sex scene was pretty good. There are plenty of other sex scenes in this one and they’re all decent. If you want some intergalactic Khan action, this one will work for you.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 KHAAAANS!!!
Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde (2003)
Directed by Tony Marsiglia
Writing credits Bruce G. Hallenbeck
Misty Mundae.... Martine/Dawn
Julian Wells.... Dr. Jackie Stevenson
I bought this DVD as a Christmas present. It was from me to me. I wanted some Julian Wells under my tree. Well, well, well. How very well indeed. Julian invents a green drug that makes her horny. Misty Mundae keeps popping up to satisfy her green drug lust. Wells can't live without Mundae in her life. Will she overdose on nonstop sex with Mundae? Will the viewer?
"Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde" is the Julian and Misty show. They make it with each other five or six times. Wells takes a shot of green ecstasy and only has eyes and lips for Mundae. Wells wants Mundae to dress up like one of her first patients she fell in love with. It's kind of like "Vertigo" but with lesbians.
"Dr. Jekyll and Mistress Hyde" is basically a love story. Mundae and Wells have a lot of sex but it's all pretty chaste. A lot of light kisses. Now I like seeing the ladies kiss but I think I could have gone for some more hot and heavy action. I definitely could have gone for a little more variety with regards to Well's lovers. The best scene is a close-up of Wells as she goes to town on a girl's breasts. Not Mundae's but some other girl with gigantic nipples. See that? Variety man. Spice of life.
Overall, this is a decent softcore flick. It's worth a look. If you want to see Julian Wells and Misty Mundae fall in love, this is the movie for you.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 Julians
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
Directed by David DeCoteau Writing credits Barry L. Levy
Jeff Branson.... Tyler
Louise Lasser.... Landlady
William Gregory Lee.... Jeff Allen
So this guy dreams about being a stock broker and heads to Wall Street. You'll know that it's Wall Street because the street and subway sign for Wall Street are shown numerous times. He's down on his luck until he goes to the Wolfie Boy Toy brokerage house. It's a hip, happening brokerage firm where all the men are buff and drink tea. They also dress sharp and have great hair. They want the new guy to run with the pack. Will he howl along with them? Only an idiot would stick around to find out.
This rotten excuse of a horror movie really hurt me. There is not one werewolf in the entire movie. Not one! Most of the movie is spent having some broker tell the new guy how to be a good salesman/predator. This wouldn't have been so bad if there was some remote semblance of a payoff. What a sick joke. There's nothing. When you have a sex scene with four guys and two girls and all the nudity is on the guy's side, you'll know that the movie has dive-bombed into complete oblivion. The horror angle is only the hook to get the ignorant suckers, (like me), to rent this awful rip-off. I have learned my lesson the hard way. Please excuse me while I howl in agony, "AH-WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
Saturday, November 26, 2005
2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
Directed by John Singleton
Paul Walker....Brian O'Conner
Tyrese Gibson.... Roman Pearce
Eva Mendes.... Monica Fuentes
Cole Hauser.... Carter Verone
Devon Aoki.... Suki
"2 Fast 2 Furious" is the embodiment of modern action movie formulas. PG-13. Rap music blasting. Multi-ethnic cast. This flick could play in any corner of the globe and would surely appeal to someone. They set it in Miami which is one of the most heavily mixed cities in America. You have a white guy as the star who is best friends with a black guy. Classic. Then they have them follow around a beautiful Latin woman as a potential love interest. Great. They even threw in a hot Asian girl who had no other function than to be a hot Asian girl. I loved her car readout monitor too. It looked like an angry "Hello Kitty!".
So "2 Fast 2 Furious" is right off the cookie cutter Hollywood action flick assembly line. People love seeing other people who look just like them in movies. So dang it, put them all in! Soon Hollywood will break down barriers in India and China, (one billion potential movie ticket buyers in each country people!), and we can get a Bombay set action movie starring some white action hero and his lovable sidekick from the Kashmir valley. Oh and throw in Suki from this flick for the love interest. Cha-ching.
As far as the racing scenes go, "2 Fast 2 Furious" is pretty good. The speedometers got more close-ups than some of the cast members. Actually the cars probably should have gotten credited in the cast as well. There seems to be one way to do a racing scene: Close-ups on the drivers eyes, then on the speedometer as it goes up and up, then to the cars zipping by, then repeat from step one. As a movie, "2 Fast 2 Furious" gets a little more ridiculous as it goes on. There's only so many cars racing by I can watch and still say cool. It probably lasted as long as it could before dipping into vroom vroom tedium.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 hot chicks sitting on a fast car
Friday, November 25, 2005
Teenage Cavegirl (2004)
Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Writing credits Fred Olen Ray
Jezebelle Bond.... Tahra
Kennedy Johnston.... Sharon
Jay Richardson.... Dr. Matthews
Nicole Sheridan.... Cynthia
I bought this DVD. It was one of those deals where if you buy two movies you get a discount. In this case, I got "Teenage Cavegirl" and "Erotic Dreams of Jeannie". It was a Nicole Sheridan party.
"Teenage Cavegirl" is about sex, sex and more sex. Jezebelle Bond is the Cavegirl with tattoos and a healthy libido. She jumps through a blue time portal and ends up with a horny couple. Nicole Sheridan shows up as the professor's assistant who wants to assist the cavegirl out of her clothes. Many sex scenes follow. Girl/boy. Girl/Girl. Girl/Girl/Boy. It all leads up to the exciting climax in the camper. Can you guess what it is? Yeah, that's right. It's a sex scene. A dang good one too.
"Teenage Cavegirl" is a winner. The girls are hot and the sex is plentiful. Nicole Sheridan and Jezebelle Bond know their stuff. The final party in the camper was the highlight. I'm sure this movie will be playing on late night Cinemax someday. If you can't wait that long, the DVD is worth it.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot chicks making out
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Writing credits Bill Zebub
A maniac kills women for his snuff movie. All of the women are wannabe actresses who can't wait to be tied up and humiliated in the name of entertainment. The maniac, (Bill Zebub), can't wait to accommodate them. He's a talkative kind of killer. He likes to articulate everything he's going to do to his victims. It kind of takes the suspense away when every nasty move is spelled out ahead of time. Zebub says he wants to shock the horror world by killing the useless scream queens that are ruining horror by taking their tops off and screaming on cue. "Kill the Scream Queen" is an attempt to get back to basic exploitative horror by cutting out all of the fluff and getting down to it.
This is an interesting sleaze fest. Zebub strikes me as the kind of filmmaker who takes his horror movies very seriously. In "Kill the Scream Queen" he goes off on many tangents as to why recent horror has been diluted with a bunch of weak flicks, particularly ones that have scream queens. Of course I must disagree vehemently with this blasphemy. Scream queens are great. Why would anyone want to kill them? Of course Zebub exposes his hypocrisy by having naked women in almost every second of his movie and they're usually screaming. Horror movies need scream queens. Where would we be today if Jamie Lee Curtis hadn't screamed her head off in "Halloween"? Women will be screaming in horror movies until the end of time. Don't fight it.
In "Kill the Scream Queen", women walk into an abandoned bar, get tied up, usually get a big, red rubber ball shoved in their mouth and are promptly either raped or killed. But this flick is not just about tying women up, humiliating them and then killing them. Oh no. It's much more than that. Well, not much more. It's also about Zebub trying to bring real porno sleaze back into horror so that he can shock the jaded horror fans. He makes a good run at it. But it's still the same old problem that haunts most B-movies: Bad acting, unconvincing effects, etc. I wasn't shocked by any of the scenes although the exploitation level on this one is over the top. If you're looking for some pure B-movie sleaze, this one will work for you.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 gagged Scream Queens
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Actress Apocalypse (2005)
Directed byRichard R. Anasky Writing credits Richard R. Anasky
Garo Nigoghossian.... David B. Lincoln the 3rd
Greg G. Freeman.... Vance Lincoln
Jay Ingle.... The Golden Terror
Dahlia Legault.... Layla Black
A user on the IMDb recommended this movie to me. It does my heart good to know that some people think of me when they find a sleazy movie. "Actress Apocalypse" has many scenes of actresses disrobing, stripping, posing, and just generally being naked. In fact, the credits are played over scenes of two girls kissing in the shower. As the man said, "That's the way you start a movie.
"Unfortunately, I didn't like "Actress Apocalypse". The movie is set up as a fake documentary of the making of a B-movie. It's got something to do with a mullet headed Indian killing women. I was not a fan of "The Blair Witch Project" and like that movie, "Actress Apocalypse" is full of improvisations. They make it up as they go along. Lots of improvised conversation, lots of screaming, lots of improvised screaming. The director screams at his psychotic brother who in turn screams back at him. They both argue with the boom operator and everybody bellows at the actresses who are auditioning. The movie is set up as a series of auditions for a slasher flick that usually ends in an actress apocalypse. The brother just cannot control himself.
"Actress Apocalypse" is one of the most hyper movies I've ever seen. Every film-making trick is used. It reminded me of "Natural Born Killers" in its attempt to beat the viewer into submission. I was worn out watching this kinetic mess. It was stuck in permanent overdrive: Switching from color to black and white, splicing in quick flashes of nudity, etc. This movie made me tense with its non-stop screaming and film-making insanity.
Although I didn't like the movie as a whole, there were still some good things here to enjoy. "Actress Apocalypse" does not skimp on the gratuitous nudity. There were some hot women in this one. Having the girl continually walk back and forth naked was an especially nice touch. It's this dedication to exploitation that I admire.
Overall, "Actress Apocalypse" was just too wired for me. I loved the nudity in between the screaming matches but the continual yelling and fighting drowned out any sleazy goodness from all of the fine exploitation scenes.
Two Severed heads out of Five
Saturday, November 19, 2005
The Back Lot Murders (2002)
Directed by David DeFalco
Priscilla Barnes.... Stephanie
Corey Haim.... Tony
Lisa Brucker.... Arlene
Jaime Anstead.... Janey Colfax
LoriDawn Messuri.... Wendy
A rock band is filming their video on the "Back Lot" of a certain famous movie studio. I see the "Psycho" House and the set from the "Lost World", (mentioned twice), hmmm...I wonder which studio it could be? It turns out that someone is stalking this "Back Lot" and is looking to commit "Murders". Hence the title "The Back Lot Murders". This is all sponsored by the makers of little brown cigarettes which are smoked constantly throughout the flick.
First, let me say how disappointed I was that the hottest girl in the cast was the first to get killed. We are introduced to a redhead in the first 15 minutes and then she is promptly killed in the next ten minutes. This made me very sad. While the other women had larger breasts and got naked, I felt the redhead was the most interesting (and hottest). I think her name was LoriDawn Messuri although I can't be certain. She's listed as "Wendy" on the IMDb but she'll always be the Redheaded Fog Girl to me. Sorry to see her go. Oh well.
I enjoyed "The Back Lot Murders" but not because I thought it was a well made movie. Let me point out two obvious goofs. When one of the dancing girls gets strangled by the killer with her own bra, you can clearly see she is wearing some sort of white emergency strap underneath. We had already seen a two second glimpse of her naked breasts in one shot and in the next her breasts are reined in by this evil white strap. The other goof has the killer using an ax and hitting a victim in the stomach. The next scene has the ax in the killer's hands again but it's supposed to still be wedged in the victim's stomach! That ax is all over the place. These goofs can probably be overlooked though.
"The Back Lot Murders" was a fun movie. As a horror movie, it's pretty weak. But I did enjoy watching the rock star manager and the director of the video. They were amusing, especially the director. The manager was kind of a turn-on too, (Priscilla Barnes). The blue streak in her hair was working for me. I'm not sure why. Also, there were two short topless scenes with the dancing girls. These scenes never fail to bring a smile to my face. "The Back Lot Murders" works a lot better as a comedic take on Hollywood egos than as a horror flick.
One last thing, speaking of egos, check out the documentary at the end of the movie. The director has the nerve to say this is an intellectual movie (!!!). Now that's comedy. I laughed. He also says that if you look really hard at his flick, you'll see what they were trying to do. Of course, he doesn't bother to tell you what they were trying to do. You'll just have to look hard. Real hard.
Directed byThomas Ashley
Cliff Robertson.... Mr. Shroud
Lesley-Anne Down.... Dist. Atty. Murphy
Wesley Duncan.... Brandon Hunter
The filmmakers saw one too many "X-Files" episodes and decided to make a movie. So the authorities are worried about a possible Jersey Devil hanging out in their woods. They sic New Jersey's Agent Scully on it. She rolls out there and runs into a man who may know something. Then the movie shifts to the guy from "Benson" hanging out in a mental hospital. Then the movie shifts again as flashback after flashback sends the viewer into an epileptic fit. As soon as your brain starts to heal, the filmmakers finally reveal the Jersey Devil. Now your brain is primed to implode. Implode it shall.
This movie is a classic example of what I would refer to as a "Blender movie". They shot a lot of different scenes and then tried to glue them together in a futile attempt at a movie. In this case, it was impossible. So they took the scenes they had and shoved them into the blender. It's a mess.
As stinky as this movie is, I can still find two positive aspects of it: One, I learned a lot about New Jersey geography. Two, there is a topless scene. Not Agent Scully but some random topless girl. I'll take whatever I can get.
13 Erotic Ghosts (2002)
Directed byFred Olen RayWriting credits Fred Olen Ray
Mia Zottoli.... Gina DiCaprio
Zen.... Erotic Twin Ghost (as The Porcelain Twinz)
Zero.... Erotic Twin Ghost (as The Porcelain Twinz)
A bunch of ghost hunters end up at a haunted house. They are looking for erotic ghosts. They've come to the right place. Every time you see the ghost hunters put on their special horny goggles, you know that the erotic ghosts are up to something. You see, the goggles are the only way they can see the ghosts. Thankfully, the filmmakers have included special 3-D ghost watching glasses with the DVD but strangely enough, the film works fine with or without them.
"13 Erotic Ghosts" is pure lesbian ghost satisfaction. There are no men to get in the way here. To paraphrase what the guy said, if you want to watch naked girls kiss each other, (and who doesn't), this is the movie you seek. I was very pleased.
Some highlights: Julie Strain rolls around with the Porcelain Twinz, (Zen and Zero). The first time is in a pool and the second time they are in bed together. In fact, Strain has been in a couple of flicks with the Twinz. They work well together. The Twinz are just the right height. You have giant black haired Strain in between two short blonde women. It's magic. Zen and Zero. How can you not like naked twins named Zen and Zero?Mia Zottoli and Aria Giovanni are two other mega babes who show up in this one. Zottoli is a ghost hunter and Giovanni is a ghost. You see where this is heading, don't you? Giovanni has a good scene with another erotic ghost and Zottoli has some fun at the end as she piles on the bed with some ghostly women. Strain, Zottoli and Giovanni make "13 Erotic Ghosts" a must see.
One last thing, the only complaint I have about this one are the ghost hunters. During the sex scenes, the camera would always cut back to the ghost hunters watching. Let's just say they cut back at the most inappropriate times and they cut back way too much. I would have been happier if they had cut them out completely. A horny ghost watcher is not what you want to watch when erotic ghosts are doing what they do best.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 erotic ghosts
Friday, November 18, 2005
Jake Gyllenhaal.... Donnie Darko
Maggie Gyllenhaal.... Elizabeth Darko
Mary McDonnell.... Mrs. Rose Darko
Donnie Darko is a sullen, anti-social teenager. He's in therapy and on medication. He is plagued with visions of death, doomsday predictions and giant talking rabbits. Just like most kids from the 80's. As the New Wave soundtrack blasts in our ears, Darko tries to make sense of it all. Is he a paranoid schizophrenic? Is he a visionary? Will he build a Delorean and go back to the future? Is he just plain nuts?
"Donnie Darko" is very interesting. I think you would have to be a child of the 80's, (which I am), to fully appreciate it. Was the director Donnie Darko back in his teenage years? Did he know a Donnie Darko? This story feels immensely personal. Was he a confused teenager too? It's got Tears for Fears on the soundtrack and "Evil Dead" showing in the movie theater. Time Travel is an important element of this flick. I felt like I had tripped through a wormhole back to private school with Darko."Donnie Darko" is, for the most part, a mystery. Why is Darko being sent all these orders from the Fuzzy Bunny man? Who is Scary Cottontail? What the heck does it all mean? Well, here are my thoughts:
*SPOILER ON ENDING* *DO NOT READ ANY MORE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE**LAST CHANCE TO STOP READING*Still with me? OK. Darko is a screwed up teenager. A bright teenager but screwed up. The smart ones know too much for their own good. They get sad pretty easily since they can't see the world as simply as others. "Fear or Love"? So throughout the flick, Darko sees a guy in a rabbit suit telling him to do violently anti-social things. So we start to write these visions off as delusions from a warped mind. But then the concept of time travel is introduced. Could the rabbit be from Darko's future? Is he trying to help him or hurt him? This is (obviously) the mystery to solve.
Darko thinks he knows the exact time he is going to die. The rabbit told him so. Darko is either insane or knows a smart bunny. When Darko has a life or death choice to make, he chooses life. Not his life but everyone else's. When he makes his final choice and jumps through his wormhole, he lands back in his bedroom. He's seen smiling and laughing in his bed. This was the first sign of happiness (relief?) Darko had shown during the entire movie. Maybe Darko wasn't so dark after all. He did some bad bunny things but at the end of his road, he made the right decision.
I can't recall a movie in which a song so perfectly conveyed the meaning of a scene. The song "Mad World" plays over the end of the movie. It explains it all. It's Darko's theme song:
"And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had."
Witches of Breastwick (2005)
Directed byJim Wynorski
Monique Parent.... Tiffany Carter
Jay Richardson.... Dr. Richards
Glori-Anne Gilbert.... Rebecca
Stormy.... Felicia (as Stormy Daniels)
Julie K. Smith.... Lola
Jodie Moore.... Doctor's Assistant
Taimie Hannum.... Holly
A man is haunted by a recurring nightmare that three large breasted women are trying to have sex with him. This is a nightmare? Apparently it is and it disturbs him so much he decides to drive into the woods to see if he can find the source of his dreams. Monique Parent is the understanding wife who has sex with him in the forest to try to take his mind off of his witch problem. Soon they will run into the witches, (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Julie K. Smith and Stormy Daniels), at a house that looks remarkably similar to the house featured in "Lust Connection". When I say similar, I mean it's the exact same house. The guy must exorcise his demons by having sex with each and every woman in this movie. His wife gets to have some fun in the hot tub and bath tub with the witch girls. A lot of tub action in this one. It all leads to a showdown with the witches as they have plans for his horny mortal soul.
The filmmakers must have gotten a real deal on this house. They have now filmed two skin flicks at it and I feel safe in saying that we'll be seeing it again in some future Julie K Smith/Glori-Anne Gilbert/whomever romp. That hot tub has seen a lot of beautiful things. Also like "Lust Connection", this movie only has one guy in it. They must be giving away lottery tickets to star in these movies. If your number hits, you can go to the mountain house of love and get it on with as many hot chicks as the movie can fit in. It's probably just more cost effective to have one guy and save the money for the women.
Speaking of women, let me once again praise Julie K Smith. She gets a turn with the guy in his bedroom and a session in the bath tub with Parent and Gilbert. I don't think it can be said enough times that her breasts are fantastic. So let me say it now. Her breasts are fantastic. Stormy Daniels also makes a fine horny witch. She gets to pop into the infamous hot tub with Gilbert and Parent and also gets to have sex with super stud by a tree trunk. I wouldn't mind seeing her in more hot tub adventures. I wish I could say that Gilbert rocks my world but she doesn't. She just doesn't know what to do in a lesbian sex scene. Her scenes in the bath and hot tubs should have been great but she clearly is uncomfortable. During the hot tub scene, she keeps staring off screen as if someone is talking to her. I can guess what they were saying, "Do something!". However, her scene with the guy in the woods was pretty good and she does get naked at the drop of a hat. There are good things about her but it would probably be wise to keep her away from other naked women.
Overall, "Witches of Breastwick" is a fine sex flick. It improves on "Lust Connection" by letting the ladies have some quality time away from the lottery winning guy. It's got everything a horny witch movie should have: Hot women, naked breasts galore, sex in hot tubs, and a few scenes of actual witchery. Not too much witch action but just enough to give the illusion that there is actually a plot hiding amongst the parade of naked women.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 horny witches