Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews

"Biohazard: The Alien Force" review

2009-11-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

Biohazard: The Alien Force (1995)

Director: Steve Latshaw
Writer: Patrick Moran

James L. Miles ... The BioMonster
John Alexander ... Det. Morley
Dorothy Best ... Caitlan Palmer
Robin Chapman ... Newspaper Editor
Katherine Culliver ... Shana Alexander
Trevor David ... Donner
Tom Ferguson ... Quint
Susan Fronsoe ... Nicki Carstairs

An evil corporation, (is there any other kind?), is conducting an experiment to see if they can create a monster to wreck some cheap havoc. Their dastardly plan comes to fruition as an outrageously cheesy monster breaks free and runs wild. The beast wants to kill anyone who recklessly donated their DNA to help speed along his existence. Many fools will pay the ultimate price for daring to mess with mother nature and playing B-movie gods.

Monster on a rampage. It escapes from a lab. It wants to kill people. You know the drill. But while the monster is certainly a biohazard, he wasn't actually an alien force. Although in this instance, the filmmakers may be referring to the ecology definition of alien which states that its "An organism, especially a plant or animal, that occurs in or is naturalized in a region to which it is not native." Or maybe they were just trying to ripoff better Sci-fi movies. Or perhaps I'm thinking too much about this.

At any rate, the monster in "Biohazard: The Alien Force" was made out of the finest rubber money can buy. It was one of the few things I enjoyed about this movie. I was concerned the thing was going to catch on fire and release deadly toxins into the air. That would have been the real biohazard. That's how he should have threatened his victims: "One more step and my scales get torched. RARRRRRR!!!"

If you've seen one rubber suited alien bust out of a lab movie, you've seen them all. I keep thinking I've seen them all and yet there always seems to be one more B-movie biohazard waiting to strike. "Biohazard: The Alien Force" is from the same writer/director team that gave us "Dark Universe" or the "Monster in a marsh" movie. They believe in no-frills, straight ahead B-movie making. Monster, victims, death, the end. It gets the job done. That's not to say the job was done well mind you. Just done.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 biohazardous aliens

"Demon of Paradise" review

2009-10-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Demon of Paradise (1987)

Director: Cirio H. Santiago
Writers: Frederick Bailey C.J. Santiago

Kathryn Witt ... Annie
William Steis ... Keefer
Laura Banks ... Cahill
Frederick Bailey ... Ike
Leslie Scarborough ... Gabby (as Leslie Huntly)
Henry Strzalkowski ... Shelton
Nick Nicholson ... Langley

These B-movies really know how to sell themselves to a guy like me. I saw the video box cover and knew that this was a movie I had to rent. It had an illustration of a lizard man dragging a bikini-clad girl underwater. Illustrated covers are usually a sign of bad things to come. But since I never seem to take my own advice, I rented it anyway. I mean, come on! It had a lizard man and a girl in a bikini for crying out loud. It's got to be good.

A bunch of fishermen throw dynamite in the water and wake up the Demon of Paradise. This demon loves dynamite as he causes massive explosions with alarming regularity. It doesn't faze him as the monster loves the smell of dynamite in the morning. It smells like demon victory. Lizard man proceeds to attack everyone at the resort and only a few brave souls can stand up to him.

"Demon of Paradise" went exactly like I expected it to. It's a standard B-monster movie with a low budget and a cheap rubber costume. The demon had this hilarious habit of waving to his victims. Sometimes it seemed like he was trying to signal the director he was drowning but I think he was actually trying to scare his prey. Jaws sticks his fin out of the water when he charges his prey. The demon waves at you. It looked like he was waving from miles away but then he would suddenly appear and attack. Then there would be an explosion. No particular reason, just spontaneous demon combustion.

Another scene had the demon tackling a helicopter. The fools were dropping dynamite on him. Little did they know how much dynamite excites him. The demon shoots out of the water like a missile and drags the helicopter into the water. Then there was an explosion. Truly, a fine B-movie moment.

"Demon of Paradise" is cheap and stupid but entertaining. As these things go, it was decent. It gave me a few laughs. Demons, bikinis, etc.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 waving demons

"Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" review

2009-10-25T18:19:00.001-07:00

Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned

Director: Brian Thomson
Writer: Brian Thomson

Trina Analee ... Michelle
Monique Dupree ... Emerald
Gregg Aaron Greenberg ... Sammy
Kaitlyn Gutkes ... Vermillion
Rebecca Hodges ... The Reader
Zoe Hunter ... Snowy
Lloyd Kaufman

I was sent this DVD. A bunch of guys head out to the Hamptons to have a bachelor party. They decide to have their party at a geeky friend's bungalow. Unfortunately, it turns out to be a bungalow of the damned. Bummer. But this doesn't stop the festivities as three strippers/escorts/hookers for the damned show up to give the guys a show before dispatching them to hell. Tensions arise as this was not the bachelor party they were hoping for. Only the one level headed friend can come to grips with the situation and do battle with the damned escorts.

"Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" is a bad movie. Are you shocked to hear that? The acting is bad, the special effects are a joke and the horror is non-existent. Although it is obvious that the filmmakers had no intention of making a serious horror movie, it still would be nice to believe I was actually watching a movie instead of a bunch of guys goofing off with a camcorder at their friend's house.

While "Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" keeps moving along, it's not heading anywhere worth watching. A B-movie title of that magnitude should have delivered a fun movie with bachelors running for their lives from demonic women. Instead the entire party is laid to waste within minutes which only leaves one guy left to fight off the hooker horde. Then the movie wanders off into some other ridiculous storyline about past humiliations, vampire spawning and other topics that don't have anything to do with hookers massacring a bachelor party.

However, there was one pleasant element in "Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" and I must praise her now. Monique Dupree shows up as one of the escorts from hell and unveils her very large demonic breasts. She knew how to get the party started. She is also the only thing I liked about this movie. Her presence in this movie shows how absolutely vital the B-movie babes are. This movie was heading for the landfill until she showed up. Sometimes the B-movie women are the only thing that makes these movies watchable. This was one of those times.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Moniques for the B-movie damned

"Trailer Park of Terror" review

2009-10-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

Trailer Park of Terror (2008)

Director: Steven Goldmann
Writer: Timothy Dolan

Nichole Hiltz ... Norma

Trace Adkins ... The Man
Priscilla Barnes ... Jean
Stefanie Black ... Tiffany
Jeanette Brox ... Bridget
Arielle Hakian ... Trailer park girl
Lindsay Johnston ... Nuclear Daughter
Michelle Lee ... Miss China
Hayley Marie Norman ... Amber

A trailer park is filled with despicable cretins who are trying to keep the one pretty girl in their midst from leaving. When they obnoxiously kill her fiance, she strikes a deal with a heavily armed guy to send the trailer park to hell. Flash forward a couple of years and a busload full of wayward youths strolls into town. Norma, (the pretty girl), asks them to stay the night so she can show them some southern zombie hospitality. You know, like some sweet tea, place to sleep, dismemberment, disembowelment, decapitation, etc.

"Trailer Park of Terror" starts off looking like it's going to be a lot of fun but then slowly devolves into the standard zombie flick. The complete destruction of the trailer park in the first fifteen minutes was a great way to start the movie. I was hoping this movie was going to go for something a little different. But then the standard horror movie victims got off the bus and made their way to their inevitably gory demise.

The redneck zombies all get a chance to have their gut munching turns with the delicious juvenile delinquents. There's the obese zombie who just wants her meat. Then you have a zombie who thinks he's Elvis and blasts his guitar from the rooftop. There are other southern (undead) stereotypes who manifest themselves and eat every wayward youth in sight.

But my favorite zombie let me down. There was a large breasted Asian masseuse zombie who specialized in happy endings. I was sure we were going to get a glimpse of her undead breasts but it was not to be. For some reason, she was a shy zombie and kept her robe on. For shame. Zombies should learn to let go of their pride and let their beautiful corpses rot away for all to see.

That's not to say the movie doesn't have some good gore moments. "Trailer Park of Terror" keeps a comedic tone as limbs are hacked off and devoured. There were some entertaining scenes as the zombies regularly clawed their way through the teens. But you get the feeling that you've seen this movie a few (hundred) times before and seen it done better.

"Trailer Park of Terror" is worth a look if you're in desperate need of some zombie thrills. If not, you can let this one go.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 dead trailer trash

"Halloween II" review

2009-09-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

Halloween II (2009)

Director: Rob Zombie
Writer: Rob Zombie

Sheri Moon Zombie ... Deborah Myers
Chase Wright Vanek ... Young Michael (as Chase Vanek)
Scout Taylor-Compton ... Laurie Strode
Brad Dourif ... Sheriff Lee Brackett
Caroline Williams ... Dr. Maple
Malcolm McDowell ... Dr. Samuel Loomis
Tyler Mane ... Michael Myers
Danielle Harris ... Annie Brackett
Margot Kidder ... Barbara Collier

I met my friends at the Mann Chinese 6 in Hollywood to see a double feature. "The Final Destination" followed by "Halloween 2". It just felt like the right thing to do. We had just finished watching "The Final Destination" and decided to take a lunch break while we recuperated from the D-Box experience. The D-Box is a vibrating chair that keeps up with the movie and shakes when something exciting happens. We hoped that "Halloween 2" would turn out to be just as much fun as the first part of our double feature. We were very wrong.

Going from the euphoria of a shaking D-Box chair to this debacle was truly a sobering experience. We should have stopped while we were ahead. "Halloween 2" has Michael Myers joylessly slaughtering people so he can reunite with his baby sister. Many poor souls will die needlessly horrible deaths as a fake Laurie Strode, (there is only Jamie Lee Curtis), screeches and wails her way around town as she tries to escape Michael's wrath. A second rate Dr. Loomis, (there is only Donald Pleasence), shows up as a greedy, narcissistic con man who tries to cash in on murder and mayhem. Rob Zombie tries to as well but there is only one John Carpenter and he's not it.

Enough is enough. No more. No more needless, unwanted remakes of classic horror movies. How could Zombie, who is clearly a lover of pop culture and horror movies, go so wrong with this movie? Everything that makes the "Halloween" movies enjoyable is shamelessly discarded. Dr. Loomis was a great character in the original movie. Why does Zombie want to turn him into a sniveling weasel? Was he too enjoyable as he was? There is not one likeable character in this movie. Jamie Lee Curtis was perfect as the innocent Laurie Strode while Zombie's version is a whimpering basket case. And where was Michael Myers theme song? One of the most iconic horror movie theme songs in history is scrapped for no apparent reason as Zombie doesn't seem to have any other tricks up his sleeve. The only thing he knows how to do is film people being brutally murdered. In Zombie's world, everyone is pathetic and deserves to die.

But there is one notable exception for Zombie. He loves putting his wife in his movies. Now I have nothing against Sheri Moon Zombie but she did not need to be within miles of this movie. Sheri shows up as Michael's dead mother who guides him towards his murder filled destiny. She also manages to have a pale horse walking along side her which symbolizes Zombie's pretentiousness. Every time that ridiculous horse ended up on screen, my friend couldn't resist letting out a contemptuous snicker for the audience to hear. I heard you man. I was laughing on the inside.

There's a lot wrong with "Halloween 2" but is there anything right? Well, Zombie does enjoy inflicting pain on his characters and there are many scenes of blood and mutilation. But it's a joyless movie as Zombie has no sense of humor about horror movies and prefers to keep things miserable for the characters and the audience. He also has a fetish for the 60's and 70's as there are many references sprinkled throughout the movie. Laurie Strode and the girls kick out the jams and dress up as Rocky Horror Picture Show freaks. There is also an extended scene as "Nights in White Satin" plays on the TV. Now that's realistic. If there's one thing you can count on in late night television, it's videos of Moody Blues tunes. Well, I suppose it's his movie and he can do what he wants.

But what did he want to do? Make a disappointing sequel to a mediocre horror remake? Ahh, who knows what's going on in his head? All I can hope for is that John Carpenter is cashing in on these movies and getting some well deserved compensation for his contributions to the horror genre. Even Zombie's bloody misfire can't destroy all of the goodwill that the original "Halloween" has built up over the years. Maybe Zombie needs to watch it again to remember why he liked it in the first place. "Halloween 2" only shows his disdain and disrespect for the original slasher classic.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 dead horses

"The Final Destination" review

2009-09-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

The Final Destination (2009)

Director: David R. Ellis
Writers: Eric Bress Jeffrey Reddick

Bobby Campo... Nick O'Bannon
Shantel VanSanten... Lori Milligan
Nick Zano... Hunt Wynorski
Haley Webb... Janet Cunningham
Mykelti Williamson... George Lanter
Krista Allen... MILF / Samantha
Andrew Fiscella... Mechanic
Justin Welborn... Carter Daniels
Stephanie Honore... Mechanic's Girlfriend

I met my friends at the Mann Chinese 6 in Hollywood to see a double feature. "The Final Destination" followed by "Halloween 2". It just felt like the right thing to do. While standing around waiting for our friend to get off the train, my other friend wondered if we should have gotten the D-Box tickets. I had no idea what he was talking about. "The girl at the box office didn't ask you if you wanted the D-box?" he asked. No, what is a D-Box ticket? "It's the movie theater chair that shakes as you watch the movie." My God, that sounds amazing. Bring me to the D-box!

After much thoughtful consideration, we decided to go ahead and pay the premium for the D-Box. If ever there was a time to feel your movie chair rattle and roll, it had to be at a 3-D horror movie. The side of the chair has a control bar that lets you turn up the juice to eleven or dim it down to nothing. Why you'd turn it off after paying for the ticket is unknown. Needless to say, we all had our chairs pumped up to maximum destruction level and prayed that it would send us flying out of our seats.

A guy has a premonition that everyone he knows is going to die. While watching a car race, he sees visions of death and destruction. His Final Destination is in front of his eyes. While he's watching the cars whiz around the track, my D-box chair is having a heart attack and leaning back and forth as flying metal spins into my face. He tells his friends it's time to leave before Death shows up. He becomes the hero of the moment as his vision ends up saving a lot of lives. But soon he begins to suspect that Death is upset with him for thwarting his grim reaper efforts. Various survivors don't survive for long as Death has macabre plans for all of them. My chair had a diabolical mind of its own as it shook my bones for most of the movie.

I enjoyed "The Final Destination". I'm not sure how much my vibrating chair played into my enjoyment but I had a good time nonetheless. The movie plays out exactly as you hope it would. You know people have a date with Death and Death does not like being stood up. Krista Allen is credited as MILF and gets cut down in her MILF prime. One guy loses a fight with a swimming pool drain and a tow truck driver wonders why can't we be friends. There are a few other ghoulish deaths to revel in as well.

"The Final Destination" plays to fans of the series. You want to watch people futilely try to escape their inevitable death and that's what you get. The success of these movies is based on how outlandish a demise the filmmakers can dream up for the characters to suffer through. There are some gruesome deaths here to enjoy which were aided with the help of 3-D glasses and, in my case, a rocking movie chair.

One last thought, there was one missed golden opportunity with the D-Box experience. There was one sex scene in the movie and the chair did not rock up and down. That would have been hilarious if the chair had kept time with the coitus. My electric chair let me down. The D-Box needs some carnal knowledge.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 rocking D-box chairs

"Sorority Row" review

2009-09-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

Sorority Row (2009)

Director: Stewart Hendler
Writers: Josh Stolberg Pete Goldfinger

Teri Andrzejewski... Bra–Clad Sister
Adam Berry... Danny
Megan Wolfley... Trampoline Sister (as Megan Elizabeth Wolfley)
Marie Blanchard... Over-It Sister
Briana Evigan... Cassidy
Margo Harshman... Chugs
Rumer Willis... Ellie
Jamie Chung... Claire
Leah Pipes... Jessica

Audrina Patridge... Megan

Carrie Fisher... Mrs. Crenshaw

I saw "Sorority Row" at the Arclight in Hollywood. Why I felt the need to pay a premium to watch this movie is unknown. I was one of three guys in the theater. The other two were near the back. I had three rows near the front all to myself. I think one of the guys was a regular at the Arclight as some of the ushers seemed to know him. Only die hard horror fans made it out to see this one. Slashers hunting sorority girls is a time honored horror movie tradition that needs to be embraced every time it creeps its way into a movie theater.

The girls of Theta Pi decide to pull a prank on some dim-witted guy. They want him to believe that his girlfriend is dead and that they have to dispose of the corpse. Hilarious! But their acting is too convincing as the guy feels the need to take matters into his own hands. He plunges a tire iron through her chest to make sure all of the blood pours out of her lifeless body. The problem is that she wasn't really dead. Now they really do have to dispose of a body and keep their dark secret from getting exposed. Months go by and a tire iron wielding lunatic starts stalking them at their graduation party. Could it be the girl come back from the dead? Who else could have known about their grisly prank? Someone knows what they did last summer...

"Sorority Row" makes the classic slasher movie blunder. It actually tries to have a plot. Is there anything more superfluous for a slasher movie than a plot? The guilt and accusations that arise form butchering one of their sorority sisters makes the movie much more convoluted than it needed to be. You don't need a plot when it comes to these movies. You have slashers and sorority girls. The movie writes itself! Just turn the slasher loose on their pajama parties and the movie will turn out just fine.

At their graduation party, the girls get picked off one by one as the slasher moves his way up the sorority ladder. The killer employs a tricked out tire iron with various knifes attached to each end. Some of the kills are fun but most are tame. The girls are the usual slasher movie cliches waiting around to get slaughtered. "Sorority Row" doesn't have any scenes that really stand out but it does provide a few gory kills and some brief nudity to assuage one's hunger for slasher movie entertainment. If you're in desperate need of seeing sorority girls screaming, it may be worth a look. If not, then you can let this one go.

One last thought, "Sorority Row" asks a very important question that we must answer now. Who was the hottest sorority girl at Theta Pi? Most of the girls looked good but for my money I would go with Jamie Chung, (Claire). She had the prettiest face to go with her hard body. None of the main characters in "Sorority Row" got naked but Jamie would get my vote as the girl most likely to succeed if she had. If she didn't succeed, at least I would have appreciated the effort.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 sorority row girls

Top of the Row.

"Jennifer's Body" review

2009-09-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Director: Karyn Kusama
Writer: Diablo Cody

Megan Fox ... Jennifer Check
Amanda Seyfried ... Needy Lesnicky
Johnny Simmons ... Chip
Adam Brody ... Nikolai Wolf

J.K. Simmons... Mr. Wroblewski
Amy Sedaris... Needy's Mom

Jennifer, (Megan Fox), is having boy trouble. She needs to keep eating them or she will die. A horrific fire serves as the catalyst that allows a demon to possess her. Megan Fox is a succubus. Not surprisingly, many men happily follow her to their doom. Her BFF, (Amanda Seyfried), starts to realize that there might be something amiss with her hot friend after she shows up at her house drenched in blood. Dead bodies start piling up in their small town as Jennifer uses her body as bait so she can chow down on the horny high school guys. Only a true best friend can stop Jennifer's evil.

I walked into this movie with one hope, one dream for "Jennifer's Body" to fulfill. I dreamed of a scene where they linger over Jennifer's naked body. It is with profound sadness that I have to tell you that there are no Megan Fox nude scenes in this movie. This is clearly the most obvious error in the film. The title promises Jennifer's body yet they do not deliver it. For shame. There was one scene where she was swimming topless in a lake, (not sure why but who cares), and she slowly pulls herself out of the water. The camera veers away from any of the interesting Fox parts so that we don't see too much of Jennifer's body. Why couldn't there have been a scene where she stretches out on the dock and does some topless sun bathing? Where is Jennifer's Body when I needed it?

So without salacious scenes of Megan Fox's nubile body, what else does this movie have to offer? There are a couple of bloody scenes as Jennifer tears open a few necks but nothing too gory to get excited about. "Jennifer's Body" is not scary enough to be an effective horror movie and it isn't funny enough to be a comedy. So what exactly is it? It's a Megan Fox vehicle disguised as a Diablo Cody high school fantasy. I can't believe that there weren't any characters named Juno in this movie. I was expecting to see a pregnant girl get bitten and say something witty while she's dying like "but I just drank my weight in Sunny D". It's never too early to start referencing your own work.

But let's discuss what's really important here. What is it about Megan Fox? Is Megan Fox just a younger version of Angelina Jolie? No she isn't. She's a young Megan Fox and we must cherish these precious moments that we have with her. "Jennifer's Body" gives us a lot of sexy scenes of Megan but they're just not lascivious enough for me. If they had put a prolonged Fox nude scene in this movie, the box office gross would have tripled. If Amanda Seyfried had joined in, it would have quadrupled. If there was a prolonged lesbian scene between the two, the sky would have been the limit. You have to think about the exploitation potential that a horror movie has to offer. Well, you don't have to but I like to.

Overall, "Jennifer's Body" is a fair movie. It's got sexy girls making bloody messes so it can't be all bad. It's trying to be a little different than the average horror flick but ends up being just another piece of Hollywood product off of the assembly line. It was designed for Megan Fox to strut her stuff and in that respect it succeeds.

One last thought, the best scene in the movie is the one that saved "Jennifer's Body" for me. Jennifer shows up at her friend's house to tell her the truth about her demonic demeanor. But first, they have to kiss hello. The camera goes into extreme close-up so we can enjoy every subtle nuance of two pretty girls kissing. This scene was magical. This is a brilliant example of how to film women kissing each other. Concentrate on the lips and you can't go wrong. As you may know, this is what girls do when they're alone. Oh yes. It's true. This beautiful scene helped save "Jennifer's Body". I wasn't sure how I was going to rate this one until Megan Fox and her lips saved the day. Now, it's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Jennifer's kisses

And Jennifer's Body

"Busty Cops: Protect and Serve!" review

2009-09-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

Busty Cops: Protect and Serve! (2009)

Director: Michael Whiteacre
Writer: William Williamson

Nikki Nova... Maxie
Nikki Benz
Hanna Harper (as Hannah Harper)
Layla Jade
Jessica Jaymes
Jelena Jensen
Charlie Laine
Kaylani Lei
Lexi Marie

So there I was, watching what I thought was "Busty Cops 2" on late night Cinemax. That's what the cable guide said. This was not "Busty Cops 2". It's actually "Busty Cops: Protect and Serve!" I had seen half of it one night but wanted to watch it from the beginning so I could get the full Busty Cops experience. Since I couldn't wait another minute to get some Busty Cops in my life, I discovered the joys of cable on demand. It was ready to go in seconds. I demanded some Busty Cops and Cinemax delivered.

As I'm watching this rough facsimile of a movie, I swore I had seen some of these scenes before but I couldn't remember where. One scene has Hannah Harper in front of a brick wall and it jogged my memory to visions of another Busty Cops adventure. For the answer to the origin of my Busty Cops flashback we must go Back In Time....

I had seen clips of this movie when it was known as "Busty Cops: Back in Time". The director, Michael Whiteacre, shared a few scenes from the movie with me awhile back. In his version, the Busty Cops travel back in time to the 1980's to do battle against nefarious Reagan-era bad guys. He didn't share any of the sex scenes with me, (dang it!), but there were a few funny scenes that showed the Busty Cops hanging out in the 80's. Cocaine and Rubik's Cubes were prevalent in most scenes. Belinda Gavin was also in an extended scene with a coked out surfer guy.None of the scenes I saw made it into the finished movie.

So now in 2009 we have "Busty Cops: Protect and Serve!". But what the heck is it? It is a stripped down, bare bones, brutally efficient, cut all the noise and get naked version of Whiteacre's movie. It also makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. But it is clear that the businessmen behind this spectacle are not interested in little details like plot, coherence or anything else that distracts from the softcore action.

"Busty Cops: Protect and Serve!" is a hard movie to describe but an easy one to like as one sex scene rolls into another. Nikki Nova, Hannah Harper and Lexi Marie are the Busty Cops. They are sent on a dangerous mission to get laid as much as possible. An annoying narrator tries to hold the film together but only ends up exposing the movie for the stapled together mess that it is.

So "Busty Cops: Protect and Serve" took the sex scenes from the original movie and trashed the rest. This is B-movie madness in action. The good news is that there are some quality sex scenes to enjoy. Hannah Harper has the best sex scene with two other women in front of some blood red lockers. This scene is followed almost immediately by a foursome with Aimee Sweet and Nikki Nova. While an abundance of nipple licking is going on, there is a glimpse of a "Footloose" poster on the wall. Then the girls go over to a dresser drawer and there is a pile of cocaine on it. A few images of the 80's managed to make their way into the finished movie after all.

But not all of the sex scenes were working for me. Lexi Marie was fairly disappointing in this one. She has one sex scene with a guy on some stairs and another with two submissive guys in a dream sequence. Both scenes are shooting blanks as she seems dazed and confused as to why she's there. Although there's an orgy scene where a girl wearing pigtails, (Princess Leia look maybe?), starts making sweet love to Lexi's rear end. That whole sex scene was pretty good.

Overall, "Busty Cops: Protect and Serve" has some good softcore sex scenes and little else. It is a nonsensical late night adventure with plenty of sex and nudity to help keep you awake. Although, I have to wonder what Whiteacre's version would have looked like if the Cops had hopped into the Delorean so they could tell some 80's punk to go ahead and make their day. I wonder how the movie ended up as this version from the scenes I originally saw. I wonder...

SCORE: 2 out of 4 busty cops

I don't know the context of this cut scene, (nor do I need to), but Belinda bound and gagged should have been in the movie for the Busty Cops to rescue. Busty Cops in big trouble. Who will save them? The editors got around that dilemna as this scene is also nowhere to be found.

"KillerKiller" review

2009-08-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

KillerKiller (2007)

Director: Pat Higgins
Writer: Pat Higgins

Richard Collins ... Perry
Scott Denyer ... Samuel
Dutch Dore-Boize ... Lawrence
Cy Henty ... Rosebrook
Rami Hilmi ... Wallis
Danny James ... Victor
James Kavaz ... Harris

So there's a killer running loose in an insane asylum. Actually there is a killer killer. A bunch of psychos have been released from their cells by some mysterious force. As the loons bicker and argue about who could have freed them, the mysterious being, (who cleverly disguises itself as a hot blonde), picks off the crazies one by one. Who is this malevolent beast who sometimes, (one time actually), dresses as a cheerleader to send serial killers to their grave? Is she the ghosts of victims past? Does anyone care?

I take B-movie advertising seriously. I don't know why but I do. You'd think after all this time I would get the message that B-movie showmen are a deceitful bunch of weasels who get perverse pleasure out of ripping me off. The cover of "KillerKiller" has a blonde cheerleader holding a pom pom in one hand and a bloody hatchet in the other. Based on this cover, I thought it was reasonable to expect to see a killer cheerleader attacking the inmates of an asylum. I was at least expecting a campy horror movie showing psychos being hunted by an even bigger blonde psycho. I was wrong again.

"KillerKiller" is a actually a character study of different inmates and how they deal with the sins they've committed. The blonde beast that has been unleashed on them attacks them using their own sick murder fantasies against them. So if a psycho likes to remove people's organs and replace them with automotive machinery, then he'll turn up on the slab getting his guts ripped out. If some guy likes putting a power drill through hooker's heads, then his body will get some ventilation, etc.

Thankfully, there is a murder tag team who loves killing cheerleaders. When they slip into her fantasy world, she appears as cheerleader bait for them to pounce on. This whips the fiends up into a murderous frenzy but the cheerleader strikes first and ruins their day by butchering them. This is the first and last appearance of the killer cheerleader in the movie.

Since selling a movie based on a bunch of guys sitting around an ugly room arguing with each other is near impossible, the marketing department decided to latch on to the one exploitable element in the movie and plastered the killer cheerleader on the DVD cover. My expectations were dashed. Dreams have died. This is not a killer cheerleader movie. It should have been. The movie they made is not nearly as entertaining as some whacked out cheerleader rampaging through the halls of an insane asylum would have been.

Overall, "KillerKiller" was disappointing. It teased me with its fraudulent advertising. I wanted bloody pom poms, I got maniacs debating each other in a foul, paint peeling room. Nothing of interest comes out of their banal conversations. How many times can they argue about who's killing them? They're serial killers for crying out loud. Start acting on your homicidal impulses and do something interesting. Also, the sound quality of the DVD is terrible. Actually, disgraceful would be a better word for it. You have to blast the volume to hear the dialogue. When the blonde monster finally shows up, you have to turn it down quickly before the neighbors call the cops on you.

One last thought, I did learn something from this British movie. There are no cheerleaders in England. I never thought about it before but I suppose cheerleading is an American phenomenon. It makes me wonder why they bothered to put a cheerleader on their cover if there was no way a British serial killer could have racked up a body count. Could it be they just wanted the exploitation fans rental money? I wonder...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 violent cheerleaders

"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" review

2009-08-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Director: Stephen Sommers
Writers: Stuart Beattie David Elliot

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje... Heavy Duty
Christopher Eccleston... McCullen / Destro
Joseph Gordon-Levitt... The Doctor / Rex
Byung-hun Lee... Storm Shadow
Sienna Miller... Ana / Baroness
Rachel Nichols... Shana 'Scarlett' O'Hara
Kevin J. O'Connor... Dr. Mindbender
Ray Park... Snake Eyes
Jonathan Pryce... U.S. President
Dennis Quaid... General Hawk

Call off the Oscar race. Recall the ballots. Voting is not necessary. We have a winner. The Best Picture of the year has arrived. Actually, I think "G.I. Joe" might sweep the entire ceremony. It could grab a couple of statues for Best Director, Writer and all of the acting awards. Book the limos now as the entire cast and crew will be up on the stage receiving accolades from their peers. Wait till you hear the fans screaming "G.I. Joe!" outside the awards ceremony. It will be a magical night. Well, actually it won't. The only way "G.I. Joe" is getting into the Oscars is if they invade the building and repel down from their helicopters.

Terrorists have seized a dangerous weapon which threatens the existence of humanity. Time to call in G.I. Joe. The Joes spring into action because when others fail, they don't. The terrorists have a green cloud of death which eats metal and they can't wait to unleash their maniacal plans on the planet. The Joes do battle with the leather suited Baroness and her minions all over the world. From Paris to Egypt to the polar ice caps, there is nowhere on Earth you can run from the Joes and their quest to blow up everything they see.

"G.I. Joe" is no better or worse than the hundreds of other brain dead action movies that plop off of the Hollywood conveyor belt. It is product made for a perceived audience of neanderthals and the ten year olds who love them. But the men and women who run Hollywood studios are not stupid. These are very intelligent, shrewd business people who hire filmmakers to make their companies profitable. The filmmakers comply with their corporate masters wishes and deliberately make imbecilic movies. The continued financial success of these decisions has doomed us all. We can expect more "G.I. Joe" movies to rape and pillage our wallets for years to come.

A common defense among mainstream filmmakers will be to spout out something along the lines of, "Just turn off your brain and go on a two hour thrill ride!" or "I'm giving the audience exactly what they want.". But what does the "audience" want? How do filmmakers come up with the magic formula that gives us exactly what we desire? Part of the fun of watching movies is to try to figure out what the filmmakers were thinking when they made their creative decisions. After seeing "G.I. Joe", it's clear that they think we're all a bunch of morons who like to see things blow up real good. The contempt Hollywood shows for their audience is staggering.

Of course, I'm the kind of guy who watches B-movies and enjoys their sleazy antics. But B-movie filmmakers have an excuse for making bad movies. They don't have the resources or (sometimes) the talent to make a good movie. "G.I. Joe" had all the time and money in the world to come up with an entertaining movie. While there were some scenes that were enjoyable, (the Paris chase scene), most of the movie is taken up by monotonous action sequences. You've seen one secret underwater army base blow up, you've seen them all.

One last thought, I'd like to comment on the only truly important question that "G.I. Joe" asks us to consider: Who's hotter, the Baroness, (Sienna Miller), or Scarlett, (Rachel Nichols)? In the cartoon, it was definitely the Baroness but in the movie, I may have to go for Scarlett. She was showing off her cleavage even more than the Baroness. And they both wore skin tight leather outfits which showed off all of their curves. Clearly, an extended fight between these two was the crucial scene that was missing from this movie. Remember filmmakers, it's all about giving the audience what they want.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 leather suited warriors

"Vice Girls" review

2009-08-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

Vice Girls (2000)

Director: Richard Gabai
Writer: A. Michael Baldwin

Lana Clarkson ... Jan Cooper
Liat Goodson ... Edith Block
Kimberley Roberts ... Mindy Turner (as Kimberly Roberts)
Bart Muller ... John Russo
Warren Draper ... Captain Chandler
Richard Gabai ... Quentin / Hilowitz
A. Michael Baldwin ... Tralaine
Caroline Keenan ... Polly

Ari Bass... Man at Party
David Gohman... Man At Party
Jim Wynorski... Man with Top Popper

There's a serial killer on the loose in Hollywood. He likes videotaping himself while he kills teenage runaways. This fiend must be caught. Lana Clarkson and two other babe detectives need to hit the sleazy streets to see what they can find out. Their investigation takes them deep into the sordid underbelly of L.A. And when I say sordid underbelly, I really mean cheap movie sets. The killer's trail leads them to a host of scummy characters. Could the fat pornographer be behind the killings? What about the conceited director? How about the Quentin Tarantino wannabe filmmaker? The Vice Girls are on the hunt.

"Vice Girls" is a typical B-thriller. Actually, it's little lighter than I was hoping. I was in the mood for a sordid "Charlie's Angels" rip-off. The DVD cover has one of the Vice Girls, (Liat Goodson), in a skin tight leather skirt. I was hoping to see more of her but was denied. In fact, only one of the Vice Girls gets naked. Lana Clarkson gets topless in a quick sex scene in the bathroom. The other Vice Girls don't join the party. How sad that Lana had to carry the nudity burden for her whole squad.

Unfortunately, "Vice Girls" is just not as much fun as it should be. Lana Clarkson does what she can but the other two Vice Girls are non-entities. There was one scene where the tech advisor hinted that she knew the other Vice Girl back in San Francisco. I thought this was leading to a lesbian scene but was denied. Instead, they started beating each other up in a rather inept fight scene. Another scene had two teenage runaways talking about their latest shoplifting adventure in a stationary store. One girl turns to the other and says something like, "You're my only friend". I thought this was also going to lead to a lesbian scene but was denied again. Maybe I think every scene is going to lead to a lesbian scene. But when you have a movie called "Vice Girls" with the tagline "They're no Angels!" it's not too unreasonable to think that the girls will get some vice in their life.

But "Vice Girls" has some fun scenes as they look for the mad killer. One scene has the girls going undercover in the pornographer's store so that they can check out the lecherous creeps. They decide that they need a secret way to film the weirdos so they devise a brilliant solution. One Vice Girl starts dancing with a camera inserted on the nipples of her bra. They know where the guys will be staring. This is solid police work. Unfortunately this also means they can't take their camera bra off as they don't want pictures of the floor. I felt as let down as the wackos. We both felt swindled.

So where is the vice in "Vice Girls"? It's hard to find. Only Lana Clarkson knew what she was doing in this movie. She drags a guy into the bathroom to have sex. Twice! Thank you Lana for saving "Vice Girls". Lana gets topless and the movie is better for it. At least hard drinking, amazon woman Clarkson indulged in some much needed vice.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 vice girls

Side note: I was looking for a hot picture of Lana Clarkson to post but went with some real Vice Girls instead. If you do a Google search on Lana Clarkson you'll actually end up with more pictures of Phil Spector than Lana. Well, seeing Spector and his many fake wigs drained me of my Lana desire. RIP Lana.

"Satan's Baby Doll" review

2009-08-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

Satan's Baby Doll (1982)
AKA La bimba di Satana

Director: Mario Bianchi
Writers: Gabriele Crisanti

Jacqueline Dupré ... Myra / Maria
Mariangela Giordano ... Solo
Aldo Sambrell ... Antonio Aguilar
Joe Davers
Giancarlo Del Duca
Alfonso Gaita

I saw the cover for "Satan's Baby Doll" and was hooked. It was love at first sight. I was whispering sweet love songs to it: Suddenly, life has new meaning, to me... I can't imagine how it's escaped my attention. Surely I would have heard something about this obviously fantastic film by now. The DVD cover has a winged demon, (Satan I suppose), rubbing a girls naked body, (Satan's baby doll I presume). This exploitation film has been kept from me for too long. It was time to see what Satan does with his baby doll.

"Satan's Baby Doll" has nothing to do with Satan or babies or dolls. It concerns the trials and tribulations of a dysfunctional family inside a big, scary castle. The matriarch of the family dies but her horny soul wants to live on through her frequently naked daughter. The mother wants to use her to get revenge on everybody in the house so she can finally be with the one person she truly loved. She's had a crush on the castles live-in nun, (who's also frequently naked), and has come back from the dead for her chaste body.

Nothing says good times like lustful possessions and naked nuns. "Satan's Baby Doll" has all of the elements of a classic exploitation flick. Lascivious evil spirits, gratuitous nudity and naughty nuns are a good starting point for any B-movie. But now I realize why I've never heard of this movie before. "Satan's Baby Doll" does not come close to the sleaze potential it's DVD cover art promises. The idea of a mother coming back from the dead to use her daughter's body for revenge should have been a sleaze gold mine but the concept is wasted on banal scenes of bloodless revenge.

Every time the mother's spirit jumped into her daughter's body, I was expecting the daughter to jump on someone else's body for a little revenge sex from beyond the grave. Instead the possessed girl dispatches her mother's enemies as quickly and as mundanely as possible. You would think a soul brought back from the dead would be filled with insatiable bloodlust but you'd be wrong. There is almost no blood shown in any of the daughter's attacks. I was quite disappointed at the dead mother's lack of depraved imagination.

On a positive note, "Satan's Baby Doll" does have copious amounts of nudity. All of the women get naked at regular intervals. But overall it's not sleazy enough to necessitate a viewing. Still, the DVD cover is amazing. It might be the sleaziest cover of all time. I just wish it had the movie to go along with its salacious picture of an ass grabbing devil.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 satan's baby dolls

"One Million Heels B.C." review

2009-07-31T20:28:00.000-07:00

One Million Heels B.C. (1993)

Director: Gary Graver

Michelle Bauer... Cavegirl
Cierra Knight
Jerica Fox... Savannah

I purchased the DVD for "Scream Queen Hot Tub Party" and this short film was the bonus feature. "One Million Heels B.C." is an interesting exercise in gratuitous nudity. Michelle Bauer is a cave girl who ends up at the house of two strippers. The girls are fascinated with their new roommate and decide to show her the ways of the 20th Century stripper. The rest of the movie covers such important topics as dressing, undressing, washing, scrubbing, soaping, rinsing, wearing heels, taking off heels, putting on stockings, taking off stockings, and, most importantly, putting on bras and taking off bras.

So if you are looking for non-stop T&A with no plot whatsoever, look no further. "One Million Heels B.C." is a milestone in the history of short films. It is a pure voyeurs delight. This movie is about admiring the naked female body. It is about nothing else. And who has the best body to lust after? Why, Michelle Bauer of course.

The real reason I wanted to talk about this mindless movie was to praise Michelle Bauer and her contribution to B-cinema. She has saved many dire movies from the landfill. Every time I see her name attached to a B-flick, it reassures me that the night won't be a total loss. Her hard body has been thrown into battle against dinosaurs, imps and other assorted B-creatures. Bauer usually ends up topless and proceeds to vanquish her foes. I've enjoyed watching her B-movie antics for years and would rank her up near the top of the scream queen list.

For pure Michelle Bauer satisfaction, check out "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" or "Nightmare Sisters". They are her two best movies. But if you want to cut to the chase and see Michelle in all her cave-girl glory, "One Million Heels BC." could be a satisfying short cut to Michelle nirvana.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 B-queen Bauers

"The Haunted Sea" review

2009-07-30T20:28:00.001-07:00

The Haunted Sea (1997)

Directors: Dan Golden Daniel Patrick
Writer: Thomas McKelvey Cleaver

Krista Allen ... 2nd Mate Johnson
Don Stroud ... Chief Foster
Duane Whitaker ... Andy Delgado
Jeff Phillips ... Charlie Lane
James Brolin ... Captain Ramsey
Joanna Pacula ... 1st Mate Bergren

My friend and I watched this one the other day. A salvage boat stumbles upon a mysterious ship in the middle of the ocean. Crew members Krista Allen and Joanna Pacula board the boat to see if they can get into any trouble. They find a horde of Aztec treasure, which is guaranteed to cause them pain and anguish. Sure enough, the treasure turns out to be cursed. Somehow it turns one crew member, (not Krista Allen thank God), into a snake man/beast/cheap effect . The rest of the movie has the crew running for their lives down dark hallways from a spastic snake man.

The monster in this movie had an interesting way of charging his prey. He would first do a little dance shuffle. Then he would shake his arms back and forth and then charge. He looked like he was having an epileptic fit every time he saw someone. He was a dancing fool. My friend and I started singing "Shake Your Booty" every time we saw him. It was late and madness had started to set in. The dancing snake god wasn't helping me maintain my sanity.

"The Haunted Sea" is a typical B-movie. Cheap, lazy and stupid. Half the flick is taken up by stock footage of a presumably more interesting movie. The other half has the crew members wandering aimlessly around the boat until the snake god tackles them. The fight scenes were pathetic although the dancing snake god did have us laughing. I can give the movie some points for that.

The only thing positive to say about "The Haunted Sea" is that Krista Allen gets topless on a couple of occasions. She has a good shower scene to start the movie off and another topless scene where she is about to be sacrificed. Needless to say, these scenes saved the movie for me. Krista haunts my B-movie dreams. Well, that and dancing snake gods.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 haunted Kristas

"Orphan" review

2009-07-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

Orphan (2009)

Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Writers: David Johnson Alex Mace

Vera Farmiga... Kate Coleman
Peter Sarsgaard... John Coleman
Isabelle Fuhrman... Esther
CCH Pounder... Sister Abigail
Jimmy Bennett... Daniel Coleman
Margo Martindale... Dr. Browning
Karel Roden... Dr. Värava
Aryana Engineer... Max Coleman

A couple decides to adopt a demon child. They head to the orphanage to seek out the most introverted, deranged kid they can find. They stumble upon Esther, a shy girl who likes to paint stories instead of hanging out with the other kids. She also likes to incessantly sing "The Glory of Love". Clearly, this girl is the embodiment of pure evil. But her prospective parents can't read between Esther's psychotic lines so they take her home to meet the family. In short order, Esther is causing havoc everywhere she goes but her new father just can't accept the fact that Esther has been spawned in Hell. Her adopted mother feels the weight of the world on her shoulders as she tries to figure out where Esther came from and how to stop herself from getting drunk dealing with all this maniacal daughter stress. Esther has come to stay even if everyone else must die.

"Orphan" is a movie full of secrets. I can't write this movie review without revealing most of them. So here's my short review before I reveal any spoilers: I liked it. "Orphan" is a creepy, sleazy horror flick that does a great job of keeping the suspense going throughout most of the movie. It doesn't waste a lot of time having Esther pretend to be a good little girl. Since we already know she's evil just by looking at the poster, "Orphan" jumps right in by letting Esther off the chain and be the demonic little girl we know she is.

Now back to Esther and her big secret. Stop reading now if you want to keep it a surprise. If you're going to check out this movie, it would be better if you didn't know.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Still with me? OK.

Esther is a very polite, mature little girl. She always seems to know what to do to push all the right buttons in people. Where does Esther come from? Throughout the movie, the mother is trying to figure out the origin of Esther. Near the end of the movie, she gets the call about Esther she's been waiting for.

Esther is not a little girl. She is a 33 year old woman who suffers from a rare disease which makes her look like she's nine years old. Her modus operandi is to worm her way into households, tear the family apart and make a play for the dad. When the dad rejects her, (judging by her body count it seems like every dad rejects her), she vents her anger by hacking up the family.

When this twist was revealed, "Orphan" takes a very sleazy turn. One scene has Esther putting on makeup and dressing up in black to try to seduce the dad. Even though he was drunk, he still couldn't give into her prepubescent charms. Esther storms off and reveals all the tricks she's used to hide her appearance. Fake teeth, breasts taped to her chest, etc. Then she goes on the attack as only a rejected psychotic dwarf can.

As an exploitation fan, I thought this twist was demented enough to make "Orphan" a memorable mainstream horror flick. But upon reflection, it may actually take away some of the shock value of the movie. Most of the movie we think we're watching a nine year old girl commit acts of deceit and violence. When they explain it away by saying she's a escapee from a mental ward, it actually lessens the impact of the horror she's inflicted on people. Now Esther makes sense where before she was a violent enigma.

But Esther's secret makes the movie fun too. It's not often you see a movie this warped in theaters. I had a good time watching Esther run wild over her new adopted family. "Orphan" is worth checking out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 creepy Esthers

"Carnivore" review

2009-07-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

Carnivore (2000)

Directors: Joseph Kurtz Kenneth Mader
Writers:Joseph Kurtz Kenneth Mader

Steven Walker ... Doctor Westmont
Jack Solem ... DIA Director John Burroughs
J. Douglas Martner ... General Stalwart
Michael Hogan ... Director Burroughs' Aide
Jill Adcock ... Dana Anderson

A secret government experiment is being carried out in an abandoned house. They're creating a monster for various nefarious reasons. Soon the monster will escape its prison in the lab but not the abandoned house. Opening the door or breaking a window to freedom is too much for the beast to handle so he wanders around aimlessly. A bunch of teens decide to break into the abandoned house so they can hang out and have really awful conversations with each other. Unfortunately for them, they've picked the lair of the Carnivore to have their party. Unfortunately for me, I picked this movie to watch.

The video box cover for "Carnivore" has a giant set of razor sharp teeth smiling at you. I was intrigued by the exciting possibilities this film had to offer. Those choppers belong to the monster that lives in the house. The Carnivore seemed like he would put his teeth to good use and tear some teens into little pieces for my viewing enjoyment.

Unfortunately "Carnivore" is too cheap and too stupid to be any good. It's a shame. Those teeth were something to see. They should keep remaking this movie until it's good enough to be in a stellar video box like that. The box deserved better than this. The marketing was genius. The movie was awful. A common problem in the B-movie world.

There are many things wrong with "Carnivore". The usual bad movie descriptions apply here. Bad direction, acting, effects etc. There's also nothing fun about this movie at all. It's boring, trite, brain dead, etc. The only thing that saves it from the landfill is its video box cover. I look at it and dream of a better Carnivore. Take the beast back to the lab and try, try again. The box cover demands it.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 carnivores

"The Stay Awake" review

2009-07-12T23:56:00.001-07:00

The Stay Awake (1987)

Director: John Bernard
Writer: John Bernard

Shirley Jane Harris
Michele Carey
Bart Fouche... Jason
Tanya Gordon

I bought this video for five bucks. A serial killer gets executed and vows to return from the dead so that he can inflict horrible damage in a B-movie. A few years later a bunch of girls are having a sleep-over at a Catholic school which excites the killer out of his grave. He resurrects himself just so he can break up their stay awake party. I'm not sure how he manages to come back from the dead or why he decides to carry out his revenge on a girl's school. But when faced with incredibly complex movie conundrums like these, I can only respond one way. Ahh, who cares?

It could have been great. Well, at least good. Decent perhaps? A demon attacks a girls sleep-over at their school. Good Lord man! That's a great B-movie setup. So many avenues to exploit. This movie fails miserably.

What happened? Who was in charge? How can you possibly make a slumber party/demon attack movie and not put in any nudity whatsoever? A movie sin has been committed. I was really offended. It just doesn't make sense. Why not use the assets you've got to make the movie somewhat enjoyable? Where are the ethics?

Even the kills by the demon were lame. There's no blood and no naked women running for their lives from the cheap demon. There is nothing good to say about "The Stay Awake". This movie reeks. I bashed it with a hammer after it was over. My five bucks were gone and I was bitter.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Xtro II: The Second Encounter" review

2009-07-11T21:58:00.000-07:00

Xtro II: The Second Encounter (1990)

Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Writers: John A. Curtis Edward Kovach

Jan-Michael Vincent ... Dr. Ron Shepherd
Paul Koslo ... Dr. Alex Summerfield
Tara Buckman ... Dr. Julie Casserly
Jano Frandsen ... McShane
Nicholas Lea ... Baines

A couple of B-movie scientists send three human guinea pigs into another dimension to see what horrible trouble they can get into. One doomed soul returns with an alien gestating in her womb. Xtro comes out to play as it bursts out of her stomach and makes a run for the air duct. Xtro plays hide and seek with the idiots in the lab as it pops its head out just long enough so that he can kill them.

Another exciting video box cover. Another crash landing once you hit play. Maybe I should just stare at the box cover and imagine my own movie from now on. "Xtro II" is a typical B-movie rip-off. It's video box cover proudly tells you that it's a hybrid of "Alien" and "Predator". There is no better marketing for a B-movie than to bombard your brain with thoughts of better movies so that you can be suckered into renting it. "Xtro II" exists to steal every Sci-Fi monster movie idea from the 80's and then recycle them for your supposed viewing pleasure.

"Xtro II" is a harmless monster movie that will flash before your eyes and leave no trace of its existence in your memories. It doesn't need to be seen because you've probably already seen it. If you've seen "Alien" and "Aliens" you've already witnessed the best ideas "Xtro II" has going for it.

One last thought, what is it about secret labs that drives monsters crazy? I'm not sure. The producers love labs because that allows them to save money by keeping the action on one or two sets. That leaves more money for the inevitable sequel: "Xtro III: The Third Lab Encounter". Then you can reuse the set from that movie for "Slither Critters: Lab Armageddon". The B-lab massacre must live on.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 alien predator critters

"Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" review

2009-06-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (2008)

Director: Keith J. Crocker
Writers: Keith J. Crocker Keith Matturro

Tatyana Kot ... Natasha
Steve Montague ... Wolfgang
Wayne Chang ... Gen. Yugosami
Minerva Borack ... Mrs. Schultz
Jonathan Brown ... Berkenholtz
Brandon Slagle ... Russian Prisoner #1 / Nikolai
Russ Russo ... Russian Prisoner #2 / Sergei
Brenda Cooney ... Lucille
Christina Zuber Crocker ... Fritz
Tammy Dalton ... Candice
Charles Esser ... Helmut Schultz
Heather Leonard ... Israeli Soldier #1

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "Blitzkrieg", but "Gothkill" and "The Bloody Ape" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

When jumping into the Naziploitation genre, (surely the lowest exploitation genre there is), certain elements have to manifest themselves in the film. Torture, sex, blood, guts, and other visceral fun must be presented in the sleaziest way possible. "Blitzkreig" is actually under the illusion it's a real movie about a prisoner of war camp. In one of the interviews on the DVD, the director states that he could have made the whole movie a catalog of violent scenes but he didn't want to do that. Why the heck not? Why make a movie like this at all if you weren't prepared to at least try to outsleaze "Ilsa" or "SS Hell Camp"?

Even though the movie fails to be a successful addition to the nasty Nazi genre, it does manage to have a few exploitation scenes that are worth checking out. The redheaded Russian girl, (Tatyana Kot), deserves special mention as she takes the most punishment while carrying the exploitation load for the movie. There is a great scene where she relieves a soldier of his weapon (a la "I Spit on your Grave"), and then runs through the woods naked while blasting soldiers with a machine gun. When the Nazi's finally catch her, they put her through various maniacal tortures that keep her screaming for the rest of the movie.

But "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" disappointed me and the rest of the B-movie marathon attendees. We had high hopes going into it but the movie was too long and boring to give us the blood soaked finale we were hoping for. Oh well. We'll just move on until the next B-movie triple feature.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 screaming Tatyanas

"The Bloody Ape" review

2009-06-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

The Bloody Ape (1997)

Director: Keith J. Crocker
Writers: Keith J. Crocker George Reis

Bob Ceislick ... Hippie
Christina Zuber Crocker ... Lady who has her car stolen by ape
Kevin Crocker ... Officer O' Flannery
Yalcin Cucyuksel ... Kapinsky
Domenique ... Rabbis Wife
Salvatore Finkel ... Rabbi Rabinowitz
Michelle Furnaux ... Gingers Roomate #1
Arlene Hansen ... Ginger
George Reis... LoBianco / Ape
Paul Richichi... Lampini

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "The Bloody Ape". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "The Bloody Ape", but "Gothkill" and "Blitzkreig: Escape from Stalag 69" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

Carnival barker Lampini decides he's taken enough abuse from the various dolts in his life and unleashes his secret weapon on them. His pet gorilla is let off the leash and proceeds to attack anyone on Lampini's enemy list. His enemy list is long and thankfully includes a few naked women for the ape to molest. Soon a buffonish cop is on the trail of the mad gorilla but decides the case is too difficult to solve so he tries to dump the blame on an innocent black guy. Can anyone stop this banana addicted ape from continuing his simian rampage?

"The Bloody Ape" is a cheap knock-off of Poe's "Murders in the Rue Morgue". Actually, I don't think cheap is a strong enough word to describe this movie's production values. Rinky-dink comes to mind. Shoddy, mangy, two-bit, are all fine words to describe how much resources were expended to make this movie. It's filmed to look like it was made in the 70's but I doubt 70's drive-in movies looked this cruddy.

So if they didn't take the time to make the movie look good, what did they spend their money on? It wasn't the actors as the entire cast took bad acting to new lows. Although the guy playing the cop was hilariously bad. There was one scene where he yells out something like, "I'm trying to solve a murder here!", that had us laughing hysterically. We rewound that scene three or four times to savor every second of his horrible, hammy acting.

So a gorilla attacks a bunch of people as bad actors wander aimlessly around hoping something interesting happens. There were a few scenes where the ape paws at some naked women but it wasn't too thrilling. "The Bloody Ape" seemed like it was heading for the landfill until something brilliant happened.

In the middle of the gorillas rampage he attacks a woman and then gets in her car. He turns the car on and starts driving down the road! This scene had us laughing for a good five minutes. Seeing the gorilla cruise down the street with his arm out of the window is a classic B-movie moment that I will cherish. It's a unique scene as no other movie has dared have a scene where a gorilla goes for a joy ride.

So if you need a laugh or two watching a worn-out ape jack a car, "The Bloody Ape" could be seen once. Of course it's not a good movie but the gorilla's driving scene saves the day and it became the highlight of our triple movie marathon. We were now ready to move on from ape car thieves to SS camp exploitation.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 joy riding apes

"Gothkill" review

2009-06-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

Gothkill (2009)

Director: JJ Connelly
Writer: JJ Connelly

Anastacia Andino... DJ Demon
Eve Blackwater... Kate
Juliya Chernetsky... Demonatrix
Michael Day... Lord Walechia
Frank Dudley... Father Connelly
Flambeaux... Nick Dread
Erica Giovinazzo... Annie
Vlad Marco... Tarot Card Reader
Julie Saad... Witch
Sky Claudette Soto... Go Go Dancer

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "Gothkill". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "Gothkill", but "The Bloody Ape" and "Blitzkreig: Escape from Stalag 69" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

"Gothkill" is about the ancient art of killing Goths. A Catholic priest was burned at the stake during the Inquisition for not jumping on the innocent killing bandwagon. The priest decides he's had it with two faced Catholicism and wants to be with someone he can trust. The Devil of course. Now there's a guy known for his honesty. The Devil makes the priest a deal. If he can ship off enough souls to Hell, the Devil will cut out a piece of the underworld just for him. It takes the priest a few centuries but he finally gets close to his Satanic magic number. All he needs is a few Goths to kill. Thankfully, there's a club full of them and the devil will soon get an overabundance of Goths to play with.

"Gothkill" has the look, feel and smell of a bunch of friends getting together to make a Goth slaughter movie. There doesn't seem to be much point to this flick other than to give the filmmakers an excuse to get the gang together so they could have some fun pretending to kill each other. All roads lead to the climatic scene where the priest goes to town on the Goths in a NYC club. This orgy of gore leads to a more pleasant orgy scene down in Hell where the priest amuses himself with an excessive amount of Goth torture. The movie title doesn't lie. You want dead Goths? "Gothkill" is the movie for you. Goth slaughter awaits.

But while seeing dead Goths piled to the ceiling can be amusing, it's not enough to make a solid B-flick. "Gothkill" is not entertaining enough to compensate for its many other faults. Bad acting, cheap effects, etc. "Gothkill" tries its best to show you the joys of killing freaks but it didn't thrill me too much. My friends agreed and we decided to move on with our triple feature. Goodbye Goths. Hello Bloody Ape.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead goths

"Dark Reel" review

2009-05-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

Dark Reel (2008)

Director: Josh Eisenstadt
Writers: Josh Eisenstadt Aaron Pope

Lance Henriksen ... Connor Pritchett
Daniel Wisler ... Tall Man
Edward Furlong ... Adam Waltz
Tiffany Shepis ... Cassie Blue
Rena Riffel ... Detective LaRue
Tate Hanyok ... Elizabeth
Alexandra Holden ... Scarlett May
Mercedes McNab ... Tara Leslie
Brooke Lyons ... Tanya Kismen

I brought "Dark Reel" over to my friend's house so we could explore another Tiffany Shepis B-flick. We've seen her in numerous movies and needed to take in another Shepis adventure. As luck would have it, my friend's girlfriend and her sister just happened to be there that night. They would also know the joy of watching Tiffany scream.

"Dark Reel" is about death, murder and Edward Furlong. Furlong is a B-movie fan who wins a contest to be an extra in a Tiffany Shepis movie. My God, he's hit the jackpot. Tiffany is filming a pirate movie and Furlong gets the chance to plunder and pillage her body. A masked killer is also stalking the set which is not nearly as interesting as watching Furlong make moves on Shepis. Tiffany starts falling for Furlong's abundant geeky charm. Of course she does. What woman can resist a B-movie fan? But Furlong and Shepis have to be careful as nothing brings out blood thirsty slashers and ghosts faster than a scream queen making sweet love to one of her fans.

So the killer slashes his way through the cast while the police question the weird newcomer to the film, the dreaded and feared B-movie fan. They're all crazy. Anyone who would sit through these movies and call them entertainment must be insane. The police are sure that Furlong is gutting the actors so he can advance up the B-movie food chain. But the police will never grasp the complexities of the violent movie fan. It's much more fun to watch than to participate. It's the essence of being a voyeur and Furlong just likes to watch Tiffany do her B-movie thing. Don't we all?

"Dark Reel" is a fair B-flick. It had the potential to be an interesting twist on the slasher movie but it just ends up getting more ridiculous as it goes on. There's a back story about a murdered actress haunting the set but it felt like it was inserted into the movie just to distract us from the fact that we're watching a typical slasher movie. There are a few gory spots but nothing that will make you squirm. But on the plus side, "Dark Reel" hums right along and doesn't cause too much pain. Tiffany gets topless on a couple of occasions and each time was a cause for rejoicing.

My friend and I were satisfied with our latest Shepis adventure. Each time Tiffany got topless, we made sure to point her out to the ladies watching the movie with us. "There's Tiffany Shepis, right there!" I'm sure they appreciate attention to B-movie detail as much as we do. Well, probably not but when you're a B-movie fan, you've just got to share the fun.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Shepis fans

B-movie scream queens often fall in love with their fans. Can you blame them?

"Warrior Queen" review

2009-05-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

Warrior Queen (1987)

Director: Chuck Vincent
Writers: Rick Marx Harry Alan Towers

Sybil Danning ... Berenice, Roman ambassador / Swordwoman
Donald Pleasence ... Clodius Flaucus, ruler of Pompeii
Rick Hill ... Marcus, the chariot warrior (as Richard Hill)
Josephine Jacqueline Jones ... Chloe, the senior slave (as J.J. Jones)
Tally Chanel ... Vespa, the new blonde slave
Samantha Fox ... Philomena / Augusta, Clodius' wife (as Stasia Micula)
Suzanna Smith ... Veneria, the experienced blonde slave

I rented this one from my terrible local video store. Why do I keep going back there? It's probably because they have such an eclectic variety of B-movies to choose from. Not only is Sybil Danning in this one but it also has porn legend Samantha Fox. If you saw "Dracula Exotica", you know what I'm talking about.

As for "Warrior Queen", let's just say it's not Fox's finest work. Speaking of career lows, Donald Pleasence shows up as the ruler of Pompeii. He tries to impress Warrior Queen Sybil Danning but it's to no avail. Danning is so bored with this movie she looks like she's going to fall asleep. One of Pleasance's party tricks is to release doves and then try to catch them with a butterfly net. He runs around and acts completely insane which surprisingly doesn't endear him to Queen Danning. At this point in the movie I had to stop and ask myself, why did I rent this garbage? Then, right on cue, an orgy broke out. Ahh ha. I knew there was sleaze hiding here somewhere.

"Warrior Queen" is an exceedingly lame B-movie with a great video box cover. There's just something about a picture of barbarian women with the name Sybil Danning on the top that I find hard to resist. There are a few violent scenes as various gladiators do battle with each other as lamely as possible. There's also a thrilling volcano explosion that was lifted from a better movie.

But if you are going to subject yourself to this, make sure you rent the unrated version and your fast forward button is working. You'll have a lot of filler to get through to see the orgiastic excesses of Pompeii. And I don't mean Emperor Pleasance and his lust for dove catching.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Queen Dannings

Achtung Sybil.

"Hospital Massacre" review

2009-05-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Hospital Massacre (1982)

Director: Boaz Davidson
Writers: Marc Behm Boaz Davidson

Barbi Benton ... Susan Jeremy
Charles Lucia ... Harry / Harold (as Chip Lucia)
Jon Van Ness ... Jack
John Warner Williams ... Dr. Saxon
Den Suries ... Dr. Beam

Barbi Benton goes to a hospital and it's a massacre. Various people die horribly as Barbi gets checked out. Years earlier she had rejected some poor young psychos valentine which led to predictably violent results. Her friend ended up paying the price for her cruel dismissal of her would be suitor. Flash forward a couple of years and she has turned into a beautiful woman. Unfortunately her broken hearted childhood admirer still hasn't learned to let go and stalks her at a hospital. Her bloody Valentine will not let her leave the hospital until it's a complete massacre.

I enjoyed "Hospital Massacre". It was a ridiculous slasher flick but very entertaining in its own brain dead way. Benton pops into the hospital for some test results and won't leave until every single person has been killed. There are plenty of gory scenes to enjoy as Benton makes her rounds. Every medical instrument gets used in an attempt to end all human life at this hospital. Heads are lopped off, axes are stuck in skulls and various other people meet untimely ends.

Of course I never could figure out exactly what was wrong with Benton that she needed to be in the hospital in the first place. But I'm not a doctor. Oh wait, I guess I am. Although I'm not exactly sure what was ailing Barbi, her doctor had to take her shirt and bra off to diagnose the problem.

The highlight of the movie was Barbi getting examined by a horny doctor. His stethoscope was scanning every inch of her chest to find that elusive heartbeat. "Breathe in", he would say as Barbi's chest rose. He would follow that with, "Breathe out" and Barbi's breasts would fall. He gave this instruction about 5-10 times. I appreciate that level of professionalism. He had to get at the root of the problem. The problem, of course, was Barbi's bra. It was way too confining. It had to go. Problem solved.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Barbis