Blood Sisters (2003)
Directed by Joe Castro
Phoebe Dollar.... Rose
Erica Howards.... Tracy
Kerry Lui.... Melissa
I bought this video for three bucks. I pride myself on being the kind of person who would never pass up the chance to see a vampire sorority flick. "Blood Sisters" beckoned me. I also noticed that the funky eyed girl from "Hell's Highway" was in it, (Phoebe Dollar). I liked her in that flick and wanted to see her vamp it up.
So there's a vampire sorority on campus. It's real exclusive. It only has three members. That was all the movie could afford. They like to bring fools home and suck their blood. The new girl on campus gets suspicious of them and decides to investigate. Together with her hot Asian roommate, they'll get to the bottom of all of these vampire shenanigans.
Well, this blood sucker is no good. "Blood Sisters" is just too cheap. Everything about it reminds you that this movie was made for next to nothing. The inside of their "sorority house" looked like some poverty stricken haunted house. They actually have cheap-o spider webs running all around their living room. The gore effects are boring and repetitive. There are a lot of punctured, bloody necks but that's it. The acting is mighty low. The best bad acting scene has the "nice" girl unpacking her luggage and then ending the scene with a "Whew!' while wiping her arm across her forehead. Let's just say it was the phoniest "Whew!" I've ever heard. Put it all together and it tells you that "Blood Sisters" can be avoided.
The only good scene was the one where the Blood Sisters kidnap a woman and make her strip for them. She had this great flower tattoo running all the way down her leg. She also had great breasts. I rewound that scene three times. At least I managed to get something good out of this nightmarish sorority.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 blood sisters
Friday, March 31, 2006
Naughty Fairy Tales (2002)
AKA Naked Fairy Tales
Directed by Eric Drake
Writing credits Gary P. Conner Dagmar Pitt
Nicholas W. Taylor
"Naughty Fairy Tales" is not a good movie. Even calling it a movie is stretching it. Marilyn Chambers hosts a string of supposed erotic fairy tales. Every fairy tale scene is in slow motion. Slow motion and sex scenes do not mix. Chambers tells her tales of Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood and other hot fairy tale babes only to have the viewer nod off to sleep when she puts them in slow motion.
First of all, where was the wolf girl? The front cover had a girl with a fake wolf nose holding Red Riding Hood while Red looked at her. I was hoping to see the wolf girl spring out of Grandma's clothes and jump on Riding Hood. Not only is there no girl wearing a wolf nose, there's no wolf girl at all. Some muscle bound dude plays the wolf. This is a Seduction flick? Where are the women?
Julian Wells shows up at the end for another slow motion sex scene. She's a blow up sex doll that comes to life when some gigantic guy inflates her. It wasn't a good scene. This guy was so huge, he was blocking Julian's body from the camera. No one wants that.
Julian Wells dominates this DVD. Well, not the actual movie itself, but the DVD is loaded with lots of Wells. The front cover screams "never before seen BONUS MATERIAL featuring MISTY MUNDAE and JULIAN WELLS." Their scene is from "Flesh for Olivia". There is also a "sexy" photo shoot with Wells. Then there is a kind of musical montage outtake scene from "Naked Fairy Tales" where Julian gets a case of the giggles. The behemoth in her sex scene must have had too many muscles for her. There's also two other bonus scenes in the extras if you just can't get enough Julian in your life.
Anyway, "Naughty Fairy Tales" is pretty bad. All of the sex scenes are in slow motion and they stink. That's a shame because most of the women in this one were pretty hot. I wouldn't mind seeing them in better movies. At least the extras were interesting. That was a lot of Julian bang for your buck but it's not enough to save this one.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Directed byAndy Wachowski Larry Wachowski
Writing credits Andy Wachowski Larry Wachowski
Monica Bellucci.... Persephone
Daniel Bernhardt.... Agent Johnson
Valerie Berry.... Priestess
Laurence Fishburne.... Morpheus
Gloria Foster.... The Oracle
Carrie-Anne Moss.... Trinity
Keanu Reeves.... Neo
Hugo Weaving.... Agent Smith
Neo is GOD. At least he thinks he is. I'm not so sure. He reloads into the Matrix to put an end to all this war nonsense. Neo knows what he's supposed to do because he is a true believer in fate. Fate will guide him to the next scene. Lots of kung fu gets mushed together with ponderings on man and machine's place in the Matrix. It apparently has everything to do with choice. Or maybe it was purpose. Or maybe there is no point and that's the point. The end is the beginning and life is in an endless loop. Philosophy 101 is in session and it's called "The Matrix Reloaded".
Every character knows everything. Every action has been foretold. Everybody is a perfect fighter, lover and philosopher. Suspense drains from the "Matrix" as perfection is dull. The evil computers tried to make a perfect Matrix but it was rejected by the human mind. Why couldn't the filmmakers have learned from the machine's mistake?
I wasn't impressed. Nothing impressed me. That's the saddest thing about this movie. Cars were exploding, slow motion kung fu was happening yet none of it was exciting. Neo fighting all the agents? FAKE! It was obviously a computer graphic doing battle with other F/X. The car chase? Admittedly cool. But it has the same problem that the rest of the flick has. Everybody is perfect and devoid of any emotion. Not a trickle of sweat or a seed of doubt was exerted by any character. They weren't worried about their situation so why should I be? "The Oracle has foretold the rest of the movie. Neo will save us, why get excited?" My thoughts exactly.
So while the action is plentiful, it's not exciting. This was a heartbreaker for me. It was the same effects and action from the first. But what sinks this one is its overdose of philosophical musings on life and meaning in the Matrix.
There was a severe absence of humor in this movie. Everybody was so serious about being perfect that they spent every spare second wondering why they do what they do. They were at least four scenes where some smarmy character explains life to Neo. I thought Neo was GOD. Doesn't he know everything? The slimy guy in the restaurant, the Oracle, the president of Zion and the Orson Welles wannabe at the end all took time out of their schedule to have a therapy session with Neo about choices and purpose and choosing life with a purpose. They bored the audience and explained nothing. Could this movie be more full of itself? AAACCKK! I choked on the pretentious gobbledygook.
Life is left to fate but you have a choice. You can choose to let "The Matrix Reloaded" pass you by.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 false Neo Gods
Writing credits Damian Shannon Mark Swift
Robert Englund.... Freddy Krueger
Ken Kirzinger.... Jason Voorhees
Monica Keena.... Lori Campbell
Kelly Rowland.... Kia Waterson
Katharine Isabelle.... Gibb
Now this is one match-up that I have waited many full moons to see. I have howled in disappointment as year after year went by without these two titans doing battle. I am a full blooded Jason Voorhees fan. Freddy needed to die. I wanted the hockey masked maniac to get a piece of Freddy and tear it off.
"Freddy vs. Jason" makes one thing abundantly clear: These characters are not scary anymore. The monsters have become the heroes. No one fears for the lives of the victims. Every time Jason twisted someone's head off or gave them a taste of his blade, the audience was cheering. We want the monsters to win. Freddy has always been a wise guy. Every one of his kills was the punch line. Jason caused fear at one point but now we cheer his mass murdering ways. Jason has more of a deadpan style than Freddy. He's the straight man to homicidal comedian Freddy.
So Freddy needs Jason to come back to life. Jason takes the machete to the new kids on Elm Street's block. The survivors start thinking Freddy is responsible for the hacking and slashing. It's too bad for Freddy that Jason is a glutton and can't stop killing Elm Street kids. Freddy takes it personal. No one messes with his victims.
This all leads up to the title bout: "FREDDY vs. JASON". Finally! This is where the movie shines. There is plenty of blood and guts and hacking and slashing and, well, everything you wanted to see. The fight at the end is a great payoff scene. I enjoyed the carnage.
I don't think you could ask for much more from a movie called "Freddy vs. Jason". It delivered the fight everyone wanted to see. Freddy was sufficiently gutted for my tastes.
MOVIE SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Freddy slaughters
BATTLE SCORE: Jason - Triumphant. Freddy - Dead meat.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Accidental Stripper (2003)
AKA Lost Innocence
Directed by Woquini Adams
Writing credits Connie Milton
Myla Leigh .... Janey
Akira Lane .... Candace
Anette Moeller .... Angel
Zana Cochran .... Coco
I saw this on cable the other day. A blonde who looks like she should be a stripper inherits a strip club. Stripper Serendipity. She's the "Accidental Stripper". She has a hot Asian friend, (Akira Lane), who tags along to help her manage her new asset. The veteran strippers are very catty and don't like this new blonde in their midst. New stripper blood is pumped into the club to do some schoolgirl uniform stripping and the customers rejoice. Too bad the viewers are left out in the cold.
"Accidental Stripper" is pretty lame. Limp, edited in a blender sex scenes don't make for a good late night party. That's disappointing because most of the women in this one were fairly hot. I had high hopes. I really liked the Asian babe, Akira. She had a pair on her that would make you reach for your, uh, beer. Yeah. She was the best part of this one.
Hey, when did it become fashionable in softcore flicks to have music blast over every single scene? I mean, a little background music is OK but does techno/dance music need to dominate the soundtrack during a sex scene? Sex scenes have their own soundtracks. It goes a little something like this, "Uh, uhhhhh, mmmmm…Yeah ,that's it…YES!" etc. You get the idea. Every sex scene in "Accidental Stripper" was a disco inferno.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Akira infernos
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Writing credits Sean O'Bannon
John Blyth Barrymore.... Dr. Paul Hamilton
Brinke Stevens.... Dr. Leslie Morgan
J.J. North.... Carla Ferguson
Tim Abell.... McQueen
Brinke Stevens and a bunch of other people are driving through the desert looking for a place to crash and take a shower. They come across an abandoned research facility with the standard out of control genetic mutation ready to kill them. This makes Brinke Stevens all hot and sweaty. She hops into the shower with another woman and together they proceed to lather each other up. Speaking of lathering up, the viewer is cheering on the shower party. OOOH, OK Brinke. Don't miss a spot. Clean her back. That's good. Slower. Slooower. OK Faster. MMMM...
Brinke Stevens shower in space is the best and ONLY reason to see this movie. The rest of the flick was a standard B monster movie. Monster wanders around, kills a few people, chases a few others, etc. Standard. But the shower scene was excellent. My God, there should be a shower scene in every movie. And Brinke Stevens should be in it.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 showers in spaaaaace!!
Monday, March 27, 2006
Directed by Barak Epstein
Writing credits Barak Epstein Mike Wiebe
Rhonda Shear.... Jackpot
Mary Woronov.... Dyanne She-Bitch Slutface
Laurie Walton.... Janie
Travis Willingham.... Dr. Hurtrider
Lauren Graham.... Callista
One of the extras on the "Prison a Go Go" DVD is an interview with the director. It has him sitting by a pool at a Hollywood motel talking about the making of this movie. During the interview, he constantly brings up the lack of money involved and how he really was trying to make fun of 70's schlock women in prison flicks. He also half heartedly apologized for the low quality of his gratuitous shower scenes because of the lack of funding. All I can say is that I'm glad I saw this interview before writing this review. If I hadn't, I would be taking a baseball bat to this DVD and bashing it into a thousand pieces.
"Prison a Go Go" starts out with one of those pretentious "A film by…" credits as if anyone knows who in the heck this guy is. Within two seconds, I knew this movie was going to derail. "Prison a Go Go" is not a woman's prison movie. It has no interest in woman's prison movies. No self respecting director would take the time to film himself (!) in a woman's prison movie. This movie is attempting to be funny by using and abusing various B-movie genres such as the mad scientist who works in a woman's prison and is attacked by ninja's genre. If I had laughed more than once, I might have enjoyed this movie. Instead, I gritted my teeth as one lame joke after another fell flat.
One of the recurring jokes is that it puts a "Shower clock" in the lower right hand side of the screen to show you when the next ladies showering scene will be. This was added in so guys could just fast forward to the next shower scene. This would have been interesting if the shower scenes were worth fast forwarding to! I say, with the full authority that comes with watching a lot of women's prison flicks, that these shower scenes were pathetic. One of the main reasons I rented this movie was to see Rhonda Shear getting clean in the shower. Oh she's taking a shower all right, but they film her from the neck up! What? Why!? They can't even get their main character to get topless for them! NOOOOO!!! It makes no sense! Why did they bother making a woman's prison flick? The girls who do get topless flash on the screen for a second and it was a second too long. It's a good thing the director apologized for the lack of showering quality in the interview or I would have gladly destroyed this movie.
"Prison a Go Go" is not an exploitation flick. It's just an excuse for a bunch of Grade A film geeks to get together and make a stupid movie that only they will laugh at. Here's some good advice: Woman's prison movies are not to be ridiculed and scoffed at. There are to be treasured and revered as the perfect vehicles of exploitation that they are. If you're a woman's prison fan, don't see this. It will only hurt you. You can't laugh at the lack of nudity in the prison shower scenes. Gratuitous shower scenes are not the same without gratuitous naked breasts.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 busted shower clocks
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Cruel Intentions (1999)
Directed by Roger Kumble
Writing credits Choderlos de Laclos Roger Kumble
Sarah Michelle Gellar.... Kathryn Merteuil
Ryan Phillippe.... Sebastian Valmont
Reese Witherspoon.... Annette Hargrove
Selma Blair.... Cecile Caldwell
So the rich kids are playing their games with "Cruel Intentions". Buffy tells her stepbrother to get busy seducing the virgin girl if he wants to get naked with her. Otherwise, she gets his hot car as payment if he can't do it. She wants to see if he's cruel enough to be with her. A girl has to have standards.
I had a movie pass when this flick came out so I decided to check it out. The pass let me get in for free. I'm glad I did decide to look into this one because it has the most perfect kiss between two women ever put into a mainstream movie.
*KISS SCENE SPOILER*
Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar are in the park talking about kissing. The right way to kiss, etc. So Selma is shy and doesn't know how... (I'm sitting there clutching my soda). So then Sarah takes her giant sunglasses off and says she'll teach her. In a stroke of cinematic genius, the camera frames it so that the entire movie screen is nothing but their two heads kissing.
Filmmakers take note! THIS is how you film a kiss between women! Nothing else in frame is important! Focus on their mouths! Fantastic scene! Bravo! Encore!
SCORE: 3 out of 4 for one perfect kiss
First, you start slow.
Then you get a little closer.
Then you pull in real tight.
Linger on the lips. It's all about female lips. Always, always remember that.
Shark Zone (2003)
Directed by Danny Lerner
Writing credits Danny Lerner Sam Parish
Dean Cochran .... Jimmy Wagner/Young Jimmy Wagner
Alan Austin .... Mayor John Cortell/Andrew Wagner
Brandi Sherwood .... Carrie Wagner
So there's a bunch of sharks in a zone. A Shark Zone. The mayor sends out the world's worst shark hunter to clean up the Shark Zone. His modus operandi is to look into his binoculars and make pained expressions as every living soul he knows gets chewed on by sharks.
There were a lot of shark attacks in this flick. The sharks were gluttonous pigs. They couldn't eat enough bathers at their beach buffet. Most of the shark attacks were film clips of real sharks swimming and then a lot of thrashing and yelling and red water to simulate the kill.
"Shark Zone" has its B-movie points. I always enjoy a good, bloody shark attack. Just don't expect much in the way of logic or originality. Expect shark munching and a clueless shark hunter.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 zoning sharks
Allyson Is Watching (1997)
Directed by Robert Kubilos
Writing credits David Keith Miller
Caroline Ambrose.... Bridget
David Andriole.... Jerry
Sean Thibodeau.... Peter
Jennifer Hammon.... Allyson Roper (as Jennifer Leigh Hammon)
I bought this DVD because of some of the User Comments on the IMDb. Some of the comments mentioned that this film has one of the best softcore lesbian sex scenes ever. Ever! That's a bold statement. That kind of endorsement for a movie gets my money. So I bought it.
"Allyson is Watching" is all about Allyson watching. Allyson moves to L.A. and happens to have a hot next door neighbor. Lucky for her, there's a peep hole in her apartment where she can be all the voyeur she can be. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? But I'm afraid I have to tell you that "Allyson is Watching" does NOT have the best lesbian sex scene ever. I was not overly thrilled with this particular sex scene. However, it was still decent. But to say it is the best ever is simply false. Let me tell you why.
You see, "Allyson is Watching" is not filmed like a porno flick. Some of you may be saying, "That's good! It's not supposed to be a porno!" Yes. I agree. But porno flicks have perfected the art of the girl on girl sex scene. In a porno, (and in any good softcore flick), there are two keys to success. The first key is close-ups. Lots of close-ups. Always do close-ups on the girl's mouths. No matter what they are doing, it will be interesting. (See "Cruel Intentions" for one of the best close-ups on a girl/girl kiss ever. Ever!) The second and most important key is to do away with editing. Editing is bad. Evil. Long takes are where it's at. The camera has to stay on the action long enough for the viewer to...uh...enjoy it. Take it all in. You can't have the camera zooming all over the place. "Allyson is Watching" is a decent enough softcore flick but does it have the best sex scene ever? No. It doesn't embrace the two keys to success and instead pretends that it's a real movie. Nobody wants that. Well, at least I don't.
While some people will enjoy this flick because the women were actually decent actors which made their sex scene a little hotter, I will toss this flick in the porno box and let it collect dust. Allyson won't be watching for awhile.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 Allyson voyeurs
What are you looking at?
Voyeur time is over.
Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood (2004)
Directed by Donald F. Glut
Writing credits Donald F. Glut
Jacinto Molina.... Padre Jacinto
Glori-Anne Gilbert.... Diana
Kennedy Johnston.... Roxanne
Eyana Barsky.... Martine
Belinda Gavin.... Anne
I don't know about you but when I hear the title "Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood" I have no choice but to run right out and buy the movie immediately. Oh sure, I know that I'm more than likely going to be let down but I don't care. I couldn't possibly be a B-movie fan if I didn't have the stamina to put up with bad movie-making now and again.
So Countess Dracula has a thing for women. She is resurrected in present day L.A. and goes on the prowl. Her vampire brother needs her to go out and stalk for her. So she heads out and rounds up as many prostitutes as she can find. Much blood sucking and lesbian couplings follow. Soon the vampire siblings will focus on one girl who reminds them of a long lost love. More blood sucking and lesbian couplings follow.
I was slightly disappointed with this one. Glori-Anne Gilbert, (Countess Dracula), is not the most convincing sex performer I've ever seen. All of her girl/girl scenes were kind of a letdown. She didn't look like she knew what she was doing. Her kissing scenes definitely needed work. Basically, she sticks her tongue out and then hopes that something connects to the other end. Hey, if you're going to kiss someone, use the whole mouth, not just the tip of the tongue. I'm picky about these things. Most of the other sex scenes were OK. The best was at the end with Eyana Barski and two other girls.
On the plus side, there is a lot of nudity. Gilbert is a giant of a woman with appropriate giant-sized breasts. Most of the other women were pretty hot as well. "Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood" had many pleasant B-movie elements. Vampires, strippers, prostitutes, blood sucking etc. If you're not overly picky, it's probably worth a look.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hungry Gilberts
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Writing credits George Gallo Marianne Wibberley
Martin Lawrence .... Detective Marcus Burnett
Will Smith .... Detective Mike Lowrey
Jordi Mollà .... Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia
Gabrielle Union .... Syd
Peter Stormare .... Alexei
Theresa Randle .... Theresa
"Bad Boys II" is a throwback to the action movies of yesteryear. This is the kind of flick Schwarzenegger used to make with gleeful abandon. There was no regard for human life, no sense of living in reality and mass murder was hilarious. My God, this movie just didn't care one tiny bit. I loved it. "Bad Boys II" gives the critics the finger and hits a sledgehammer over the head of action movie fans for their blood and guts fix.
Every part of my soul is telling me that it's wrong to like a movie that promotes such anti-social values as laughing at decapitation. There was horror movie level gore in this flick but it was all done for laughs. Look! His skull popped open! AH-HAHAHAHA!! Stop! You're killing me! Bodies are meant to be mangled and blown up. And mangled they get.
So there was some story about drugs coming into Miami or some nonsense. That's not important. What is important is Smith and Lawrence destroying Miami as viciously as possible while cracking jokes about their chaos. Gabrielle Union shows up as Lawrence's sister and looks great in a bikini. That was a pleasant scene to help lighten up the carnage.
It's very important that you approach this madness knowing that nothing you see has anything to do with reality. If real cops acted this way, they'd be executed immediately. The name of this game is car chase carnage. If you like wild, violent car chases, you need to see this movie. That's what it excels at. I was very pleased. The movie is a bit too long but when your excessive length is due to excessive violence, I'm happy to stick around.
SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 for gleeful action excess
And for Gabrielle Union. You didn't think I was going to let this one get by without pictures of her now did you?
In the spirit of this fine film, here's some more over the top excess. I give you:
Raging Sharks (2005)
Directed by Danny Lerner
Writing credits Les Weldon
Corin Nemec .... Dr. Mike Olsen
Vanessa Angel .... Linda Olsen
Corbin Bernsen .... Capt. Riley
Todd Jensen .... Ben Stiles
Any shark movie that starts off with an alien spaceship exploding is either zooming towards B-movie brilliance or crashing into complete disaster. "Raging Sharks" lands somewhere near the disaster line although parts of it I found amusing.
All shark movies spring from "Jaws". "Jaws" was not only the best shark movie ever made but also one of the best movies ever made. Every shark movie since then has tried to capture a little of its magic. "Raging Sharks" decides it wants it all. It wants a sci-fi angle, lots of growling sharks, a beach attack, some underwater lab attacks, and a little "Under Siege" action to boot. It was too much to digest, even for a raging shark.
So some gold canister from outer space lands in the ocean and causes the sharks to rage. Vanessa Angel works at an undersea lab and keeps staring at monitors screaming, "Get out of there! Get out of there!", as half her crew gets eaten. They eat everybody. Why the undersea crew keeps getting back into the water with hordes of angry sharks swimming everywhere is a mystery. Soon the sharks get bored and eat half the bathers in Bermuda in a long scene of shark munching. This was a good scene as the sharks howled like lions as they devoured their prey. This all leads to a submarine attack on the sharks and a lot of fighting with a bad guy in the lab and some other things the filmmakers decided to throw into the B-movie stew.
"Raging Sharks" just had too much on its mind. It should have been focusing on sharks. There's a good 20-25 minute stretch where the sharks disappear so Vanessa and her husband can do battle with a traitor in their midst. Now, if the sharks were breaking into the lab at the same time as their drawn out fight, then we would have had something. But the sharks were off raging somewhere else. Overall, "Raging Sharks" is a little wackier than the usual straight to video shark flick. If you like your shark movies with everything but the kitchen sink thrown in, you might get into it. As for me, I would let these sharks rage somewhere else.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 raging, out of control sharks
Writing credits Stephen Peters
Matt Dillon.... Sam Lombardo
Kevin Bacon.... Sgt. Ray Duquette
Neve Campbell.... Suzie Marie Toller
Theresa Russell.... Sandra Van Ryan
Denise Richards.... Kelly Lanier Van Ryan
Daphne Rubin-Vega.... Det. Gloria Perez
Robert Wagner.... Tom Baxter
Bill Murray.... Kenneth Bowden
I saw this one in a packed theater on a Saturday night. The movie was pushing all the right buttons. It was cruising along, doing it's thing, when it comes to a scene with Denise Richards, Neve Campbell and Matt Dillon all in bed together. The second the two girls went to kiss each other, a woman in front of me jumped up and yelled, "What is this junk? Porno?!". She ran out and left her boyfriend behind. He and I and the rest of the audience enjoyed a great, great scene.
What is it about women kissing each other? God help me, I cannot get enough of it. It's all about female lips. No matter what they're doing, it'll be interesting. In fact, of all the things you could film, two women kissing each other is the most hypnotic and the most satisfying. Well, at least in my world it is. Well known movie fact: Lesbian sex improves any movie. "Wild Things" is no exception. It's mainstream exploitation at its finest.
Bill Murray was also hilarious as a sleazy lawyer. But the stars of this show were the Wild Things. They had another great scene together in a swimming pool. The girls were having some fun. So was I.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 wild things
Writing credits Jerry Feifer Peter E. Fleming
David Byrnes .... Will Spanner
April Breneman .... Keli
Loren Schmalle .... Martin
I rented "Witchcraft 7" because it had a vicious looking vampire on the video box cover. Perhaps I should have snuck a peek at the previous entries in the series to get a taste for where the movie was heading. The video box screamed vampires but the movie had only tits. Lots of breasts. A thousand or so. OK, that's a slight exaggeration. Very slight.
Horror is nowhere in sight. There is just softcore sex and breasts. I'm not complaining too loudly mind you. If I was going to get cheated out of a horror flick, this was the best way. Some guy is supposedly hunting down vampires but believe me when I tell you that this is a complete lie. Forget vampires. Think breasts. Think vampire breasts. Are you thinking of them? Good.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for non-stop breasts
Side note: Big fan of cleavage. Did you know that there are actually terms for different types of cleavage? Well, there are. And here they are:
Cleavage Décolleté or Décolletage is cleavage produced by a low-cut neckline that exposes the neck, shoulders and parts of the breasts. Décollatage evolved in Europe during the late middle ages, and was the first exposure to evolve with swimwear. Push-up bras such as the Wonderbra aim to maximise cleavage by forcing the breasts together and providing lift.
Cleavage Centros - Also of European origin, this type of cleavage is primarily a function of the neckline, plunging down toward the breasts in a "V" like style. This style is different from décolletage in that décolletage focuses on the top side of the breasts, while centros on the space between the breasts. Extreme examples would include partially open shirts.
You didn't know you could learn something from a review of "Witchcraft 7" did you?
Friday, March 24, 2006
I bought the unrated version of this movie. The video box cover has Christopher Walken rubbing his chin while staring at Anne Heche kissing Joan Chen's neck. The movie held promise. Based on this cover, I felt it was reasonable to expect Anne Heche to explore her love for Joan Chen. I was not disappointed.
So Anne is a banker by day, hooker by night. It's never the other way around. You know, hooker by day, banker by night. That would be interesting. Anyway, Anne immerses herself in the world of money laundering with Walken and Chen. Anne falls in love with Chen in the process.
This leads to the highlight of the movie. During a long lunch and a rendezvous in the bathroom, we see Anne fall slowly in love with the beautiful Joan Chen. This leads to their slow and VERY erotic sex scene. This pleased me immensely.
Some women look sexy with short hair and Anne Heche is one of them. She shows us her breasts on several occasions as well which is also a good thing. If I had to guess the movie was about anything, I would say it's about finding love where you find it. Anne falls in love with Chen, they have hot sex, and the viewer rejoices.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 for Anne Heche gone wild!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Directed by Dan Golden
Writing credits Adrien Hein Tara McCann
Adrienne Barbeau.... The Queen
Maria Ford.... Madeleine
Kevin Alber.... Bram Stoker
Nikki Fritz.... Rat Woman
Linnea Quigley.... Rat Woman
Bram Stoker gets kidnapped by an all-female cult. The cult of the Rat Women. At first, they want to feed him to the rats because he's another lousy, lying, worthless man. But Bram soon proves his worth to the rat ladies as it becomes clear that his writing powers may be beneficial to their cause. His graphic descriptions of their carnage will drive fear into the hearts of men. One of the rat women, (Maria Ford), starts to fall under his spell. Bram wants to prove his love for his princess and hopefully get out of Rat Women land alive.
As goofy movies about rat women go, this was pretty good. I enjoyed it. Adrienne Barbeau showed as much dignity as a woman with rats crawling on her lap possibly could. Maria Ford was pretty good as the naive sex kitten. She gets topless as do many other rat women. The Queen likes to send rats to do her murderous bidding. These rats must be famished because they strip bodies to the bone faster than a piranha. "Burial of the Rats" has blood, guts, hungry rats and topless rat women. It's got most everything a B-movie needs. It's worth a look.
One last thing, you might be tempted to rent this because you noticed that Linnea Quigley and Nikki Fritz are in it. Don't be fooled. Fritz is in it for five seconds at the most. Quigley pops up three or four times. Both clock in at less than a minute and do absolutely nothing. I found that slightly disappointing because I rented it with the hopes that all of the rat women would get their chance to shine. But some rat women were greater than others. Rats.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 sexy rat women
Directed by Darren Stein
Writing credits Darren Stein
Rose McGowan.... Courtney Alice Shayne
Rebecca Gayheart.... Julie Freeman
Julie Benz.... Marcie Fox
Judy Greer.... Fern Mayo/Vylette
There are two reasons to see this movie. One is Rebecca Gayheart. The other is Rose McGowan. Both are lovely in their own way. Gayheart is the nice supermodel of the school. McGowan is the high school sex bomb. My favorite scene was at the beginning where the girls strut down the hall to "Yoo Hoo" by Imperial Teen. I've been mulling it over and I can't choose between them. They're both gorgeous.
So as an excuse to watch hot women in high school, "Jawbreaker" is a success. As far as it being a black comedy, the results are decidedly mixed. I suppose it was trying to make the point that high school is war and its kill or be killed for popularity. It wasn't really a humorous point though.
The movie starts off with a kidnapping of the most popular girl. They stick a gigantic Jawbreaker in her mouth to shut her up and toss her in the trunk of their car. When they open the trunk to get the girl out, you get to see the girl's corpse with the Jawbreaker lodged in her throat. This may not have been the best jumping off point for a comedy. You can call it a black comedy but it was still pretty grisly. More to the point, I didn't laugh once during "Jawbreaker".
Beautiful women. So-so movie.
SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 strutting teens - "She said YOO-HOO..."
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Directed by John Bacchus
Writing credits Zachary Winston Snygg
Debbie Rochon.... Various characters
Allison Slinger(as Allison S.)
Zachary Winston Snygg
Vivica Taylor.... Bambi
Julian Wells.... Remis Phildin
"Who wants to be an Erotic Billionaire?" must be the cheapest movie ever made. If this cost more than $500 to make, I would be shocked. You would think a game show that promises to give away a billion dollars a show would be able to afford a decent looking set. They basically shot the entire movie in one cruddy looking room. Most of the dialogue scenes consist of a single person talking into the camera. It looks like everyone filmed their scenes separately, (probably in a one day marathon session), and then the movie was glued together. It is a shamelessly cheap flick.
But of course, we all know what's truly important here. Julian Wells asks at the beginning of the movie, "Who DOESN'T want to be an erotic billionaire?". My thoughts exactly. So we get two women and two guys vying for a chance at a billion dollars and sex with the lovely Bambi. The girls are lobbed the soft questions, "What's your favorite color?" and the guys are thrown the hard curveballs, "Who was the Secretary of Agriculture for Nixon's second term?" The men are treated with the disdain and disgust they deserve for having the audacity to show up in a lesbian sex flick.
Speaking of lesbian sex, three cheers for Bambi! That is how it is done. Bambi was a great prize to give away. All of the girls were winners and got to partake in their reward right there on the studio floor. After watching it all, I truly felt that I was the real winner here.
Basically, you've got four sex scenes. Bambi is in three of them and Wells is in two. The last sex scene starts off as a big Bambi gang bang and then segues into a pile on Julian party. All of the sex scenes are pretty good. The rest of the movie consists of Wells asking the contestants asinine questions. The girls get shown some mercy and the guys get the shaft. It's just as well. I didn't want to see the guys become erotic billionaires anyway.
SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for hot Bambi billionaire action
Monday, March 20, 2006
Barton Fink (1991)
Directed by Joel Coen
Writing credits Joel Coen Ethan Coen
John Turturro.... Barton Fink
John Goodman.... Charlie Meadows
Judy Davis.... Audrey Taylor
Michael Lerner.... Jack Lipnick
John Mahoney.... W.P. Mayhew
Tony Shalhoub.... Ben Geisler
Jon Polito.... Lou Breeze
Steve Buscemi.... Chet
"Barton Fink" is about Barton Fink. Catchy title eh? Fink is a writer. He's a writer for the common man. He wants to create a new, living, breathing theater "of and about the common man". He has one hit play and then shuffles off to Hollywood to continue his fight for artistic purity. The second he gets there, Hollywood has different plans. They want him to get cracking on a wrestling picture. "People are going to say to you, Wallace Beery, wrestling, it's a B-picture." Fink slowly realizes he's in over his head in a low genre. Thankfully his neighbor, (John Goodman), shows up to help Fink connect to the mind of the common man. Fink can't hear him because he's too busy listening to himself talk about nothing.
There are a couple of different movies going on in "Barton Fink". My favorite one, and the most funny, is the story of pretentious Fink and the harsh reality check he gets from the Hollywood players. Jack Lipnick, (Michael Lerner), is hilarious. He's the studio head who talks a mile a minute. He confounds Barton with his West Coast ways. He has showmanship and Barton has none. Fink also runs into another fast talking studio exec, Ben Geisler, (Tony Shalhoub). All the scenes with Lerner and Shalhoub are classic. I've watched this movie many times just to see those scenes. The fast forward button took me to the scenes I needed.
The rest of "Barton Fink" is an odd tale. There is murder, Goodman, cops, writers block and visions of Hell. Fink came out to L.A. to show us something beautiful but got knocked to his knees as Hollywood showed him the way things really are: Their way or no way. A surreal cautionary tale about Hollywood although it makes me want to meet some slick guys like Lipnick and Geisler. I would laugh my head off as they tell me how idiotic I am. "We don't put Wally Beery in a fruity movie about suffering! I thought we were together on that!!"
SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Lipnicks