So I received an email last week from director Michael Whiteacre. Mr. Whiteacre wanted to let me know he was shooting anti-piracy Public Service Announcements for the Adult Film Business. It was going to be Monday night in the Valley and I was welcome to stop by. To seal the deal he listed all of the porn stars that were going to be there. The list I received was as follows:
This was a tough one all right. A real dilemma for me. A soul searching conundrum that kept me up at night. Did I want to drive to the Valley to see Michael direct porno stars in a PSA? Of course I did. I've been talking to Mr. Whiteacre for awhile and always wanted to see his directing skills in action. That and Lisa Ann is freaking hot.
So I hopped in the car and drove over the hill to the Valley. It was a long and arduous journey that gave me some time to think about the porn star situation I was heading into. I was a bit nervous since I had never been in a room full of porn stars before. I wasn't sure what was waiting for me so my mind wandered off into two extreme possibilities.
The first scenario was a "Boogie Nights" orgy scene with mass carnal activity breaking out as they waited for Whiteacre to shoot their scene. I foresaw a pile of cocaine on the cabinet while techno music and disco balls pumped and swayed through the night. This possibility frightened me as I wasn't quite ready for Caligula in the Valley. But I felt if anyone could direct an orgy, it would be Whiteacre.
The other possibility slowly entered my mind as I got closer and closer to the Valley. I took in the facts of the situation and came to a more rational conclusion than my X-rated fantasy. It was Monday night. The porn stars were working for free. Whiteacre had a lot of people to film in a short time span. There wasn't going to be any party. This was work, work, work. My mind sobered up to the situation. Porn stars don't give it away for free. They'll help out for a PSA but orgies will cost you.
So I finally got to the address after managing to drive by it twice. The shooting location was in a completely nondescript brick building. The kind of building that you would pass a hundred times and never notice. In other words, a perfect location. There won't be any surprise visitors showing up here.
Actually there was a surprise visitor at the shoot and it was me. I walked in the front door and was stared at like I was from outer space. But Mr. Whiteacre's friend Joanne recognized me and said that he was filming. The red light was flashing which could only mean that PSA's were rolling. There wasn't any cocaine in sight but there was a lovely vegetable tray. The carrots were delicious.
When the red light was turned off, I made my way onto the set. After saying hello to Mr. Whiteacre, the PSA train started rolling again. They were getting porn stars to admonish consumers to stop downloading porn for free. But not in an angry tone, (per Whiteacre's direction), but in a disappointed one. I had gotten there around 8:15 so I missed four or five PSA's. The first one I saw was with Alektra Blue.
Now I'm going to refrain from commenting on the individual PSA's as far as who did better than others. Although I have to say Ron Jeremy pretty much nailed it. He reminded me of that scene in "The Simpsons" where Krusty the clown bursts into the recording studio to do voice-over work, gets it in one take and then takes off immediately saying "Learn from a professional kid." Mr. Whiteacre was working like a madman to keep everything on track. I never saw him sit down nor did I see anyone take any breaks. From 6:00PM until 12:15AM, it was non-stop filming of porno PSA's.
The porn star I really wanted to see was Lisa Ann. She was certainly the highlight for me. No one has sex as Sarah Palin better than Lisa Ann. She walked onto the set in a tight purple shirt. So far so good. But I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the PSA shoot with some gibberish about how hot she is so I controlled myself from bothering her. However after Whiteacre was done with his shot, I managed to get a picture of her. Then I got one with me and her together. Notice the uncanny resemblance I have to David Hasselhoff. I wish I could tell you that Lisa Ann and I connected in a deep, meaningful way but I can't. She made a beeline out of the building a minute or two after that picture was taken. Farewell Lisa Ann. We'll always have this memory. Well, at least I will.
After Lisa Ann, the porn stars kept rolling in. Kimberly Kane showed up and was laughing just looking at Whiteacre. He had directed her in the still unreleased "Call Girl Daughters" and she was running the gauntlet of emotions dealing with Mr. Whiteacre.
The final porn star of the night was Charlie Laine. I had seen her in "Voodoo Dollz" and was excited about watching her work. She filmed a PSA just like the others but then filmed a second scene which involved taking her shirt off. Thank you Ms. Laine. You've just made my night. To make sure the scene went just right, Whiteacre got on the floor and removed her shirt for her to reveal her breasts. This is selfless dedication to your craft. There were happy-faced pasties on her nipples which conveyed the joy Charlie felt for people who don't steal her movies on the internet. So if you watch the Charlie Laine PSA, just know that it was Whiteacre who stripped her. A cherished memory for me.
I left the Valley that night a changed man. I had seen a parade of porno stars extolling the virtues of honesty and I was a better man for it. It wasn't quite the Boogie Night I thought it could be but in hindsight I'm not sure why I would imagine that. It must be because when I think of Whiteacre, I think of Call Girl Wives, Busty Cops and now Porno PSA's. He always manages to live an interesting life and for one night, I got to partake in a little part of it.
That's a wrap.