Monday, December 31, 2007

"Chantal" review

Chantal (2007)

Director: Tony Marsiglia

Erin Brown ... Chantal (as Misty Mundae)
Julian Wells ... Traci
Darian Caine ... Victoria
Andrea Davis ... Lisa
Casey Jones ... Photographer's model
Julie Strain
Lizzy Strain

“Chantal” is the tale of two muses. The first one drives me crazy for all of the wrong reasons. I’m talking about Misty Mundae AKA “Erin Brown” who is an incredibly prolific lesbian softcore star. She makes me wonder why that statement is true. Guys love her girlish body, women love to kiss her but I don’t get the appeal. She still inspires my reviews like no other. I love writing about her and my continuing quest to understand the Mundae phenomenon. Of course even Mundae doesn’t want to understand it as she is leaving Seduction Cinema behind for…for what exactly? Going to something or running away from the past? It’s too soon to tell but I have to admit she has been a big part of my writings.

The second muse is Julian Wells. There’s something about Julian that gets me going in the right direction. Her long legs, her freckled chest, and her “sexier than thou” attitude all inspire me to write about her time and time again. She has paired up with a couple of different girls in the Seduction flicks but it’s with Mundae that she shares the best chemistry. Come to think of it, I think Misty Mundae is the key to Julian’s success in these sex scenes. Misty likes to be dominated and Julian is always on top. Their sex scenes are always good with “The Seduction of Misty Mundae” scene not only being their best together but one of the greatest softcore sex scenes ever. So I suppose I needed Misty Mundae all along to bring out the best in Julian Wells. How ironic.

“Chantal” brings the two muses together for a trip through hellish Hollywood. Chantal, (Mundae), comes to L.A. to be a bright shining star. Mundae has the annoyance factor cranked up to eleven as she plays Chantal as the most dimwitted simpleton you can imagine. Chantal doesn’t know what an agent or a headshot is which leaves her vulnerable to the dogs of L.A. She gets taken advantage of until she meets her presumed guardian angel in the form of Julian Wells. Wells lets her accompany her as an escort for a night so we can get at least one sex scene in this movie. Chantal spirals down into madness after Wells leaves her. Isn’t that always the way?

As a softcore flick, “Chantal” disappoints. There are two sex scenes in the movie with the Wells/Mundae scene being the only good one. Of course, “Chantal” wasn’t really set up to be the traditional Seduction Cinema lesbian flick. I found it kind of interesting to see Wells and Mundae talk about the harsh realities of living on the unforgiving streets of L.A. If you’re a Seduction Cinema veteran, you might get into seeing Mundae going through the motions of an innocent girl getting exploited by Hollywood. If you’re just looking for cheap Sapphic thrills, you should probably skip this one.

One last thought, if “Misty Mundae” is retired from the world of Seduction Cinema, what does this mean for “Julian Wells”? The IMDb doesn’t seem to have any new Wells adventures on the horizon. Well, actually there seems to be two more left but I believe they were filmed awhile ago. Mundae’s exit from the scene takes Julian’s best partner out of the picture and I fear it could be the end of “Julian Wells”. This fills me with despondency as this means my internet love affair is slowly coming to an end. We had a few laughs. Things are different now. I’ll find other B-movie babes. But man, it won’t be as much fun.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 muses in love

Saturday, December 08, 2007

"I Know Who Killed Me" review

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Director: Chris Sivertson
Writer: Jeff Hammond

Julia Ormond... Susan Fleming
Neal McDonough... Daniel Fleming
Brian Geraghty... Jerrod Pointer
Garcelle Beauvais... Agent Julie Bascome (as Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon)
Spencer Garrett... Agent Phil Lazarus
Gregory Itzin... Dr. Greg Jameson
Lindsay Lohan... Aubrey Fleming / Dakota Moss

Lindsay Lohan is in trouble. She is being stalked by a killer. Or is she? The killer loves the color blue. Or does he love red? Or do I care? Lindsay is kidnapped after a football game only to be found later lying in a ditch with some of her limbs hacked off. Lindsay insists she’s not who people think she is. She says she is actually a hardcore stripper named Dakota. This allows Lindsay to show us some moves in a strip club where she is so hardcore that she doesn’t even take any clothes off. This all leads too much confusion as a mystery unfolds as to who Lindsay really is and whether or not there is actually a movie here worth watching.

“I Know Who Killed Me” is a typical incoherent bad movie. As entertainment, it’s choppy, full of gaps in logic and just downright stupid. But as a vehicle to exploit Lindsay Lohan, it’s endlessly fascinating! This movie must have been conceived as the perfect movie to let an adult Lindsay Lohan run wild. “I Know Who Killed Me” allows Lindsay to smoke, drink, curse, have sex, bleed, get tortured and do a lot of strutting on stage under blue and red strobe lights. It is a beautiful example of how to exploit a former child star by shoving her into a totally inappropriate movie in an attempt to showcase her talents.

As a horror/thriller, “I Know Who Killed Me” is lacking in suspense, tension and thrills. The killer and his wicked ways are an afterthought as most of the movie dwells on Lindsay and her attempts to show us the adult side of her film persona. Watching Lindsay crash and burn with the movie was the only amount of entertainment I could glean from “I Know Who Killed Me”. I was disappointed that her stripping scenes ended with the exact same amount of clothes she started with but I wasn’t really surprised at the outcome. If you don’t care about Lohan or her half-hearted attempts at stripping, you will find this movie to be a complete waste of time. But if you need a little out of control Lohan in your life, it may be worth watching once.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 blue and red Lindsays

Saturday, December 01, 2007

"Evil Aliens" review

Evil Aliens (2005)

Director: Jake West
Writer: Jake West

Emily Booth ... Michelle Fox
Sam Butler ... Ricky Anderson (as Samuel Butler)
Tree Carr ... Dream Alien
Jennifer Evans ... Cat
Jamie Honeybourne ... Gavin Gorman
Scott Joseph ... Principal Alien
Norman Lovett ... Howard Marsden
Peter O'Connor ... Jack Campbell (as Peter McNeil O'Connor)
Jodie Shaw ... Candy Vixen

Aliens have been spotted in the U.K. and they’re evil. Emily Booth takes her film crew into the backwoods of England to film a reenactment of an alien abduction. Their cynical attitude toward extraterrestrial life is shattered when evil E.T.’s show up to anal probe them to death. The crew must band together to vanquish the bloodthirsty aliens in their midst. “Evil Aliens” is a great movie. Any B-movie freak will get into it. It was made for the horror movie faithful. How I’ve longed to see a fun B-movie with copious amounts of blood, guts and lowbrow humor. “Evil Aliens” takes a page, (or two or three or four), from the “Dead Alive” playbook. The blood starts splattering when the aliens run into their prey. All of the carnage is done for laughs and there is plenty of both to be found in “Evil Aliens”.

And who does the team turn to when they need help understanding the aliens? That’s right. The almighty geek. This is why you need geeks around. They are the ones who can tell you how to handle unknown life forms from outer space. The best scene in the movie has the geek being held captive in the space ship when a very flexible female alien starts to straddle him. He looks up and pleads for her to be gentle with him. She proceeds to put him through the alien copulation machine. His attempt at bringing two species closer together was some fine diplomacy. This scene cracked me up. I had to rewind and watch it a couple of times.

“Evil Aliens” is a fun B-movie. I had a blast watching it. If you want aliens, blood, lots of laughs and a heroic geek to the rescue, this is the perfect Saturday night flick for what ails you.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 for evil alien splatter