Sunday, December 14, 2008

"Hell Ride" review

Hell Ride (2008)

Director: Larry Bishop
Writer: Larry Bishop

Larry Bishop ... Pistolero
Michael Madsen ... The Gent
Eric Balfour ... Comanche / Bix
Vinnie Jones ... Billy Wings
Leonor Varela ... Nada
Michael Beach ... Goody Two-Shoes
Laura Cayouette ... Dani
Julia Jones ... Cherokee Kisum

Pistolero, (Larry Bishop), wants revenge. Many years ago a beautiful woman was murdered by a rival motorcycle gang and he has vowed to track them down. There are plenty of topless women hanging around to help pass the time until their eventual showdown. Through a convoluted series of double crosses, Pistolero weeds out the traitors in his gang so that he and Michael Madsen can blow away their rival scumbags in peace. Blood, beer and babes. The three B's of bikers are in full effect.
Although I consider myself a student of exploitation movies, one genre I never really got into was the motorcycle gang movie. I assume the appeal is to watch guys act tough, curse, beat each other over the head and then carry a topless babe back to the bedroom. But what if you know they're just pretending to be tough guys? I'm watching "Hell Ride" thinking how these guys must have found a sucker to bankroll their movie so they could live out their fantasies of riding bikes through the desert while hard bodied women do their every bidding. Not a bad job if you can get it but it doesn't make for much of a movie.

But if you really want to understand why this pointless movie exists, one has to look no further than the credit that blares over the title: "Quentin Tarantino presents". "Hell Ride" tries to keep the momentum going from "Grindhouse" but writer/director/star Larry Bishop is no Tarantino. However, one must give credit where it's due. It takes a real man to write scenes where he gets to roll around with three naked women and have every female drooling over his biker body. Clearly, it's good to have friends in high places as they will make your fantasies come true but can't guarantee that anyone else will want to watch them.

"Hell Ride" is a mid-life crisis masquerading as a movie. It certainly has some pleasing B-movie elements but it reeks too much of a vanity project to be taken seriously. But if you live for motorcycle gang flicks, you might want to check it out as I don't think we'll be seeing any more of these movies anytime soon. It clocks in at 85 minutes so it won't drain too much of your life away. And don't worry about getting any permanent mental scars as "Hell Ride" is instantly forgettable. It's fading away into the sunset even now...Vroom, vroom, vroooooom....

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad motor scooters


thebonebreaker said...

Great Review Doc!

I keep hearing the same thing about this one - unfortunately :(

It's been at the top of my Netflix Queue [long wait] for a while now, so I haven't seen it yet.

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

the only bit i liked in this film was the bit where that silly bastard madsen goes into that bar and there`s this incredible gorgeous sexy bird serving, and then she bends over, i wish she had been naked in that scene then we could have seen right up her arse, what a bird !!!, o.k. there were a few other gorgeous sexy birds in the film but that still didn`t save it from mediocrity, actually when i think about it what would have saved this film would have been if it had been all naked birds all through the film and no geezers, that would have been incredible, i dont want to see all these silly bastards pining for their fjords (yes mister hopper, i specifically mean you!!!), i just want to see gorgeous nude birds, i mean "hell`s angels on wheels" was laughably out-moded when it was released 40 years ago, so imagine how pathetic "hellride" looked to me now, but that bird in the bar she almost made it worth sitting through, i just wish we could`ve seen her arse.

Dr. Gore ( said...

Yeah, we should have seen more of the bartender. She shows up, bends over and is gone. I'm pining for more too. Although there were a good helping of topless women in this one it felt like they were window dressing for the bikers to ignore.

So clearly what "Hell Ride" should have been was a shameless exploitation movie starring a female biker gang. Then we could have avoided watching Pistolero and friends show off their skills in getting women to disrobe. Then of course there would have to be the topless mud wrestling finale where the bartender greases up to take out the rival leader.

K-Fleet said...

I agree with your take on this flick, and I, too, never got into the bikersploitation genre. But, if you tag Quentin's name to it, curiosity is sure to follow. I like your review style.

It's been a while since I've posted, wretched day job, but I try when I can.

the jaded viewer said...

The best part of Hell Ride is the gratuitous nudity. I can't believe I wrote that. But it's true.

So much hotness, you can get easily confused that this movie kinda sucked. It was like being on nudity heroin.

Ehhh. What a big disappointment. Bikes. Beer. Booty and Babes. How could that not turn out good?