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Saturday, March 11, 2006

"Volcano" review



Volcano (1997)

Directed by Mick Jackson

Writing credits Jerome Armstrong

Tommy Lee Jones.... Mike Roark
Anne Heche.... Dr. Amy Barnes
Gaby Hoffmann.... Kelly Roark
Don Cheadle.... Emmit Reese

The most important thing to know about "Volcano" is that there is no Volcano. Lava bubbles up from the La Brea Tar Pits and sludges through L.A. So a more apt title would have been "Lava". Or perhaps "Lava Flow". Or how about "It's like Lava!". Where oh where did my Volcano go? Oh where, oh where can it be? It must be stuck in a different movie.

Anyway, "Volcano", (Lying title!), is a disaster flick. It's a very mainstream, cheese-o-rama, disaster flick. It's the kind of flick where people do noble things and your eyes are supposed to water up with emotion. Oh, they'll be watering up all right. You'll be laughing your head off so much that the tears will fall. One scene stands out: A guy tries to save the passengers on a subway train from the slowest moving lava in the world. So he jumps on board and starts taking people out. In his final act of selfless courage, he carries the last person out as he slowly melts into the lava! I don't know about you, but if lava was burning my legs to the bone, I think I'd be howling in agony. I sure wouldn't be able to keep a straight face like this guy, nor could I carry anything, let alone a person, to safety.

The whole movie is like that. It's about people caring about other people. A preposterous disaster will unite us at last! Sniff, sniff. A little girl at the end of the movie notices everybody covered in black soot and remarks that they all look the same. Can't you see the message? We're all the same! Humans must help other humans! Especially when Hollywood concocts an asinine disaster flick! Save me!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 cheesy disasters

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

according to dictionary.com:

Volcano:
1.a vent in the earth's crust through which lava, steam, ashes, etc., are expelled, either continuously or at irregular intervals.

therefore saying a volcano doesn't have to be in a cone shape, looking like a mountain. It just usually takes that shape.

:D

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

But could you name a volcano in the world that doesn't look like a typical volcano? Are there examples of "vents" out there that expel lava and look as cheap as they did in "Volcano"? Maybe the filmmakers could have named the movie "Lava Vent" instead.

Dictionary.com can't save the producers of this film from their cheeseball movie or their flimsy excuse for a volcano.