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Saturday, May 27, 2006

"House of Wax" review


House of Wax (2005)

Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra
Writing credits Charles Belden Chad Hayes

Elisha Cuthbert .... Carly Jones
Chad Michael Murray .... Nick Jones
Brian Van Holt .... Bo/Vincent
Paris Hilton .... Paige Edwards

"House of Wax" is a gory slasher movie with hot women doing stupid things. How did they know? Any movie that has blonde babes running for their lives from a maniac must be good on some level. This flick delivers the blood and guts I was hoping it would.

So a bunch of teens take a road trip to see a football game. They take a detour and end up in a small town with a wax museum. The rest of the movie writes itself as the psycho caretaker can't wait to wax them all. It has screaming, chases, blood, guts, Hilton in her underwear, and wax. Lots of wax. It has it all. If you like stupid slasher flicks, you'll get into "House of Wax".

The first thing you'll have to swallow is that a house made of wax could still be standing after baking in the Louisiana swamp all day. They must rebuild it every night. Cuthbert keeps ending up in places she should never be, like hiding inside a maniac's house when she should be running for her life. Of course, all of this nonsense doesn't bother me if the movie has the proper amount of gore. I'm happy to tell you that there is some fine ripping and tearing in this one. "House of Wax" is worth a look.

One last thing, there were only two things missing from this movie. One, there were no naked breasts. Cuthbert wears a wife beater and Hilton strips to her underwear but we get no breasts. Second, Paris does not enter the House of Wax. I found that disappointing since I was hoping to see a scene where she gets turned into a mannequin. She should have been strapped into a chair, sprayed with wax and then left on display. It would have been a Hilton house of horror.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot women running from maniacs

And let's not forget about Elisha Cuthbert. Run Elisha run! My God, she can pout with the best of them.

3 comments:

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

it shows how brilliant this film is that even though elisha cuthbert and paris hilton, (two of the most gorgeous birds on the planet today), are in the film and i didn`t really notice them because the film is so superb, i know that you gave the film a reasonably good reveiw but i cannot believe how many other reveiwers have trashed this film because i really do beleive it to be one of the best horror films i`ve ever seen, and it seems to get better and better with every subsequent veiwing, i think its destined to become a cult classic just like the old vincent price movie of the same name, (which has also always been a favorite of mine), its always a sign of a great horror film if you dont notice the gorgeous birds, (for instance, it took me quite a few veiwings of "the texas chain saw massacre" before i realised that marilyn burns was a gorgeous bird, because just as with "house of wax" it was so good that i wasn`t noticing anyone in the film, i was just appreciating the brilliance of the film making), although i`d still love to see elisha and paris in a lesbian scene, that would be magical. One other thing dr. gore that you might be able to help me with, you know that gorgeous sexy bird "stacie ponder" who runs that horror film reveiw site called "final girl", well i`ve fallen madly in love with that bird but unfortunately shes banned anonymous comments on her site `cos i kept telling her how much i fancied her, (i think shes a bit prim and proper and school marmish if you know what i mean, kind of the absolute opposite of "linnea quigley" if you get my drift), so i was just wondering if you could somehow get a message to her, (it might be easy with all your contacts within the business), telling her that "the sneering (homo-phobic) snob" really is genuinely crazy about her, and that he would very much like to fuc....er....sorry i mean take her out to dinner some time, cheers dr. gore i really appreciate it, from your old mate "the sneering (homo-phobic) snob".

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

I feel your pain. I remember I tried to get through to Julie Smith, the finest woman in B-movies. I wrote her website to tell her I just bought one of her porno movies. In hindsight, it may not have been the smartest opening line. Ahh, being a fan is just not enough. Maybe if I was less blind with lust I would have thought of something less obvious to babble about. Alas, I did not.

Anyway, I've actually never heard of the person you're talking about nor have I heard of the website. Although when women get involved with horror movie reviewing it's a powerful combination. My connections don't lead to that site. I wish you luck. Learn from me though. Don't be too obvious with your intentions or else it will all melt down like a House of Wax.

See what I did there? I brought it all full circle. Oh, and Cuthbert is hot. There, I said it. Again.

Anonymous said...

Ya know something? I actually dig this film. Yeah it's pretty dumb, but it's highly entertaining and you kind of care for these characters and what happens to them [due to some better-than-average acting]. And that Paris Hilton death scene is worth a DVD purchase alone. Just awesome.