Thursday, April 13, 2006

"To the Limit" review

To the Limit (1995)

Directed by Raymond Martino
Writing credits Raymond Martino William Stroum

Anna Nicole Smith.... Colette Dubois/Vickie Linn
Joey Travolta.... Frank DaVinci
John Aprea.... Philly Bambino
David Proval.... Joey Bambino

There are a couple of gross miscalculations going on here. The first one is by me. I made the mistake of buying this stink burger. I am a horny lemming. Whenever I see large breasts on a video box cover, I am compelled to leap over the B-movie cliff to my doom. At this point, it's clear to me that I will never learn my lesson. That's my problem. The other huge miscalculation is by the handlers of Ms. Smith's acting career. "To the Limit" and "Skyscraper" were two terrible action flicks starring the buxom Anna. Why put her in movies that are clearly beyond her reach as an actress? What sadistic point are they trying to prove? That morons will rent anything as long as there is T&A? In my case, yes. But why must all of humanity suffer? Here is some free advice: Put Anna in some T&A comedies! You know, ones where her shirt comes off. She could be the dimwitted, horny gym teacher. How about the dimwitted, horny wife of the guy who runs a ski lodge? Or maybe a horny, dimwitted lifeguard? These are all parts I could see her doing. "To the Limit" has her "acting" sad, in pain, crying etc. All bad emotions. All out of her reach. Stick to horny and dimwitted.

"To the Limit" has Anna playing a spy, code name "D-cup". There was some malarkey about a disk and CIA thugs. News flash: No one cares about the plot. Get back to the breasts. She gets naked four times. All of the naked scenes were to awful, soul scarring music. The last naked romp has her having sex with a really old guy. Not that I find that scenario unbelievable mind you, but as a viewer it was unsatisfying. That pops another idea in my head. Why not let her be the house mother for a horny sorority? There hasn't been one of those movies in ages. She can teach the girls a thing or two if they are having man trouble...I feel another leap over the cliff coming on.

SCORE: This just in from the newsroom - Anna Nicole Smith has gigantic breasts - Not enough to save this one - 1 out of 4

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