Saturday, February 18, 2006

"Tamara" review

Tamara (2005)

Directed by Jeremy Haft

Writing credits Jeffrey Reddick

Matthew Marsden.... Mr. Bill Natolly
Chad Faust.... Jesse
Gil Hacohen.... Patrick
Claudette Mink.... Sheila
Jenna Dewan.... Tamara Riley

So I saw an ad in the paper for a movie about a shy girl who comes back from the dead as a hot babe to wreck havoc on some teens. The tagline was “Revenge has a killer body”. Clearly this was a film I needed to see. The only theater in L.A. showing “Tamara” was at the Beverly Center. Take me to Beverly Hills! As I was cruising down Beverly Blvd, I noticed a giant movie poster for “Ultraviolet” starring Milla Jovovich that has her wielding a sword with her midriff exposed. Hot chicks kicking a lot of ass tend to be a constant in Hollywood. Thank God for that.

I plunk down $9.50 for my ticket and start wondering if this flick is going to be worth it. I know in my heart “Tamara” has video rental written all over it but I decide to give it a shot. As I head to the food court, a woman comes up to me and says, “You want to go to a free screening?” I shuffle past her, mumbling no, when I glance at the tickets. Can you guess what movie she was giving away tickets for? That’s right. “Tamara”! She had a huge stack of them. I even saw her give some away to two dudes after me. Now my blood is boiling. I paid $9.50 while some slackers get to waltz in for free. Grrrrr….

So I roll into the theater. It’s playing in theater two, which is up a couple of flights of stairs. It was as quiet as a tomb up there. I opened the door and there were the two dudes kicking back with their free tickets. Grrrrr…. This movie better be good.

Carrie, I mean Tamara, is a shy girl who is tormented by some of her high school classmates. She wrote an article on steroid use and this upsets some of the steroid users. They decide to have their revenge. One thing leads to another and Tamara winds up dead. Luckily for Tamara, her dabbling in witchcraft will help her rise from the grave. She lands back in high school as a super hot babe and goes to work on taking care of the creeps.

First of all, “Tamara” is not nearly sleazy enough. The tagline clearly states, “Revenge has a killer body”. So where’s the body? I don’t need living dead girl Tamara teasing me with her super short skirts. Stick her back in the grave! She needs more time to cook! Yes, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that Tamara does not get naked. In fact, there is no nudity in this movie at all. Shameful I know. A zombie girl who wants her teacher to have sex with her should show some skin. That should be pretty obvious.

So Tamara goes to work on inflicting a lackluster revenge on her classmates. The school nerd's death was the only one that was gruesome. His mutilation had me squirming. Other than that, it was all kind of ho hum. Oh, and then Tamara decides to really stick it to the two jocks by making them have sex with each other. Mmmm…OK. When this scene hit, I knew the filmmakers had no clue who their audience was. “Tamara” limps its way to a hospital finale and then finally limps away.

On the plus side, Tamara moves along and didn’t cause me too much distress. Jenna Dewan makes a fine zombie girl and I enjoyed watching her strut around school. Other than that, it was pretty much a standard B-movie with few surprises. Is it worth a rental? Possibly. Is it worth $9.50 at the Beverly Center? No. Hell no.

One last thing, as I was leaving the theater, I noticed a bunch of people with “Tamara” posters. One guy was talking up some people, “Yeah, It’s called “Tamara”. It’s a horror movie. The poster is there in the lobby.” Then he gave them a free poster. I looked closer at him. He was an actor in the movie! Now that’s hardcore guerilla marketing. They’ve got one of Tamara’s tormentors in the Beverly Center plugging the film. WOW. They should have gone all the way and had Tamara there giving away tickets in her skin tight red dress telling people to go see her movie…or else!! Or else what? Or else you’ll have to pay for a video rental! MOO-HA-HA!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 zombie babes

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