Thursday, February 02, 2006

"House of the Dead" review

House of the Dead (2003)

Directed by Uwe Boll
Writing credits Mark A. Altman Dan Bates

Tyron Leitso.... Simon
Clint Howard.... Salish
Ona Grauer.... Alicia

My dad and I went out to see this one. I knew I was in for something special when the guy at the box office looked surprised when we said, "Two for "House of the Dead" please." He had a bewildered look on his face but gave us two tickets and mumbled the usual, "Enjoy your movie." We went up to the ticket taker, she tore our tickets and said, "Theater 4 to your right." It was then that I understood. Theater 4 is where they send the really special films, the ones where they are shocked and surprised when a human being pays to see it. Sure enough, there was NO ONE in the theater but me and dad.

The game makers saw the financial results of "Resident Evil", got excited, greenlit their version of it and added an overdose of "Matrix" effects to create "House of the Dead". So a bunch of morons head to a rave on an island. Zombies appear and the morons shoot them. The end. That's it. There's nothing else. Shows over. Finish your popcorn and get out. Beat it.

"House of the Dead" lived up to Theater 4's long standing tradition of B-movie ineptness. It's the kind of flick you think you should be enjoying a lot more than you are. There's blood, guts, zombies, a couple of topless women and guns. Lots of guns. So what's not to like? Well, if you stop and think about the incredible lack of logic, you'll probably hate this movie. My advice: Don't think. Watch zombies go boom, splat, ugh. Take the blood and naked breasts and kick back. Any thinking will ruin the movie.

Mercenaries with cameras made this movie. They were hired by the game makers to advertise their video game product. "House of the Dead": One long, bloody commercial. There is even a SEGA banner hanging over the rave scene just so you know who's throwing this party. Whenever there was a scene change, images from the actual game would pop up. Just when you thought the movie couldn't be any more shameless, it shocks you again.

I sincerely hope the makers of this film sent some flowers and candy to the makers of "The Matrix" because they were completely in love with their "Bullet Time" technology. Shameless again. The only original thought this movie had was to add screen shots of the game into the film. At least it was honest about its intentions: Sell, sell, sell! Buy "House of the Dead"! The game is more fun! Don't you wish you were playing it? Like...RIGHT NOW?!!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for reminding me of a cool game I could be playing

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