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Sunday, February 14, 2010

"One-Eyed Monster" review

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Director: Adam Fields
Writers:
Adam Fields Jordan Fields

Amber Benson ... Laura
Jason Graham ... Jonah
Charles Napier ... Mohtz
Jeff Denton ... Jim
Caleb Mayo ... T.J.
Bart Fletcher ... Lance
Jenny Guy ... Wanda
Veronica Hart ... Veronica
John Edward Lee ... Rock
Carmen Hart ... Angel
Frank Noel ... Bus Driver
Ron Jeremy ... Ron

Ron Jeremy's one-eyed monster is on the loose. While making a porno up in the mountains, an alien spacecraft spots Ron's member and decides it needs to have it. The aliens send down a shaft of light which infests Ron's mind with thoughts of sex and depravity. Since Jeremy's mind is always infested with sex and depravity, the beam goes to work on detaching Ron's unit from his body. The one-eyed monster makes a run for it so it can go to work on impregnating all willing and unwilling females. The rest of the crew will have to figure out a way to stop Ron Jeremy's alien pecker from killing them all.

"One-Eyed Monster" is the second movie with a rampaging penis I've seen this month. I'm very proud to say that. "Bad Biology" also had a horny penis attacking every orifice it could penetrate. Maybe the monster pecker movie could become its own sub-genre in B-movies. For the penis is a monster that loves to run free and strike out into dangerous territory. A monster penis movie also makes it possible to show scenes of delirious exploitation.

Although you'd think a movie about Ron Jeremy's rampaging dick would lend itself to scene after scene of wild debauchery you'd be wrong. For a horror comedy about an alien possessed penis, "One-Eyed Monster" is deadly serious. Everybody in the movie plays it straight. It wasn't quite the alien pecker party I was hoping for. Once Ron's member breaks free, it makes a bee-line right for the one topless girl in the cast. After it finishes her off there are no other topless porno babes in sight. While it makes sense that Jeremy's monster couldn't resist the topless woman, it was not the right call for the filmmakers to make. They should have saved her until the end or at least killed a couple of the guys first.

I think that's the main problem with "One-Eyed Monster". It's a sausage party with too many guys hanging around the porno set. Charles Napier actually shows up for no reason so he can give a monologue about the penis monster he met back in 'Nam. There's a science dork who has perfected a machine that allows you to bang any chick in the world. There's also the egotistical director and the egotistical actor. But where are the women? How is Ron Jeremy' monster supposed to get all the action it can handle when you skimp out on the babes? Veronica Hart, (from the great "Amanda by Night"), shows up to put her MILF body to good use but it's not enough to save the movie.

Although "One-Eyed Monster" has some funny scenes and is well acted, (especially Jason Graham who plays his role in the alien penis movie with utmost sincerity), it doesn't need to be seen. It had a lot of potential but it doesn't take the time to explore the fantastic possibilities that Ron Jeremy's possessed penis had to offer. But if you do end up watching it,there's always some entertainment value when Ron Jeremy and his member show up.

One last thought, "One-Eyed Monster" fails in handling the single most crucial element in the film. The one-eyed monster does not look like Jeremy's penis. I've seen that penis in action and I can assure you that the rubber dick strangling people is not the legendary porn shaft we have all grown to admire. Ron Jeremy's member is not just a dangling piece of porno meat. It is THE dangling piece of porno meat. It's what we mortal men look up to. His mighty member was probably too scary for the filmmakers so they had to go for a stunt double. Ron Jeremy is a source of admiration and one day his proud pecker will be encased in gold for all the world to treasure. Well, maybe not but Ron Jeremy's one eyed monster is still pretty scary.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Ron Jeremy monsters
The man.

The Myth.The Legend.

Is there anything he can't do?

4 comments:

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

Ron Jeremy must be the luckiest bastard whos ever lived, the bloody lucky sod.

Eric said...

Plenty of wacky gore that is careful to never take itself too seriously

a wasted life / bryin said...

Gotta see this one — and Bad Biology, too. Only seen one film yet about a rampaging member: Pervert! It has it's moments, though it's stylistic source (russ meyer) is across the board better.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

The rampaging penis genre is a spunky one. Definitely should be checked out. In the battle of killer dicks, I would give the edge to "Bad Biology". It's just a lot more fun. And a lot sleazier.

But in the battle of massive members, Jeremy wins every time.