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Thursday, February 04, 2010

"Blood Scarab" review

Blood Scarab (2008)

Director: Donald F. Glut
Writer: Donald F. Glut

Monique Parent ... Countess Elizabeth Bathory (as Monique T. Parent)
Del Howison ... Renfield
Brinke Stevens ... Professor Foran
Tony Clay ... Dracula
Natasha Diakova ... Mina
Cindy Pucci ... Tanya
Christina Morris ... Samantha
Angelica Monro ... Hathor
Ange Maya ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Veronica ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Jackeline Olivier ... Elana
Mia Zottoli... Hor Sep Sut (as Ava Niche)

Dracula and his wife, (Monique Parent), are getting bored with the constraints of being a vampire. After Dracula dies because he was peeping too long at some naked women, Monique decides she needs to find a way to stay in the sun. Her trusty man servant reads about some old B-movies like "The Mummy's Kiss" and learns that the key to immortality is a cheap mummy. Through a convoluted series of events, a mummy's naked soul is released and grants Monique the power to get a suntan on one condition. She must suck the blood out of three topless women. Monique is up to the task of pleasing her new goddess.

"Blood Scarab" is a pointless movie but it's still strangely watchable. There are many B-movie elements raging throughout the movie that gives you the illusion that an interesting movie is about to start. There are vampires, mummies, blood, random topless women, topless Egyptian goddesses, a flashback to a topless Mia Zottoli, and Monique Parent's legs. Surely something exciting is bound to happen. But after many false starts, it became apparent that the filmmakers weren't sure what kind of movie they wanted to make. It's neither fish nor fowl, softcore or horror. All they knew is that if there's a random topless women every ten minutes, the audience will stay awake until the end.

I rented "Blood Scarab" because I saw that Mia Zottoli was in it. This excited me because I hadn't seen a new Zottoli movie in awhile. But it turns out that Mia's appearance in the movie is just a flashback to a brief sex scene in "The Mummy's Kiss". At least "Blood Scarab" had the sense to get some naked scenes of Mia in the movie. But where is Mia these days? Somebody please bring her back to life. The B-movie world needs her. Well if not, I'd still appreciate it.

While Monique Parent's legs are amazing, "Blood Scarab" doesn't have enough vampire (or mummy) sleaze to demand a viewing. It can be skipped. Although if you do end up watching it, there is something gratifying about watching Monique use her long legs to seduce any female she lays eyes on. But none of the seduction scenes last long enough for pure lesbian vampire satisfaction. Monique sunk her fangs too quickly into their ample bosoms for my tastes. Mistress Monique needed to take her time and enjoy the perks of being a day-walking Egyptian vampire goddess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Monique Parent legs
Mistress Monique and friend.

4 comments:

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

I cant believe Monique was 42 at the time this movie was made (a full 24 years past the absolute pinnacle and peak of her physical attractiveness and desirability) because she was still so stunning and gorgeous (it boggles the mind to wonder how incredible she must have been when she was 18). I actually thought this film was pretty good because it had the cosyness and charm of the old Universal horror movies from the 30`s but with added naked chicks (always a major plus) although i think it would have been even better without the comedy (straight laced horror is always better than comedy horror). By the way, i want to bugger every incredible bird in this movie (whether they are 18 or 42, although 18 is always preferable obviously).

Tim said...

Just started my own review blog (not qutie figured everything out). Since I always enjoyed your reviews, would you mind trading links?
greetings
http://bmoviesreviews.blogspot.com/

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

Hey Tim,

Let me know when you put up a Dr Gore link and I'll setup a link for your site. Thanks.

Tim said...

Your are linked ;-)