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Sunday, October 22, 2006

"Batman & Robin" review

Batman & Robin (1997)

Directed by Joel Schumacher
Writing credits Akiva Goldsman

Arnold Schwarzenegger .... Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries
George Clooney .... Batman/Bruce Wayne
Chris O'Donnell .... Robin/Dick Grayson
Uma Thurman .... Poison Ivy/Dr. Pamela Isley
Alicia Silverstone .... Batgirl/Barbara Wilson
Michael Gough .... Alfred Pennyworth
Pat Hingle .... Commissioner James Gordon
John Glover .... Dr. Jason Woodrue
Elle Macpherson .... Julie Madison
Vivica A. Fox.... Ms. B. Haven

Bat-nipples and Bat-rear ends. That horrific sight starts the movie off. That should give you a good indication of where this train wreck is heading. "Batman and Robin" goes for all out, unapologetic, campy cheese. Poor Batman. I felt bad for the Dark Knight and the neutering he endured with this flick.

Mr. Freeze terrorizes Gotham City with his deadly freezing power and atrocious jokes: "The ICEMAN cometh." "All right everybody, CHILL!" And my personal favorite: "You're not sending me to the COOLER!" Poison Ivy shows up to vamp and camp it up. Batman and Robin argue about Poison Ivy and various trust issues. They have issues. But isn't the real issue how they feel about each other? Putting on those leather outfits night after night is doing something strange to them...
If a Batman flick is working like it should, I shouldn't even be thinking there is something going on between the Bat-boys. Obviously, "Batman and Robin" is not working. Batman is the coolest super hero out there. But first and foremost, he is a detective. He is an obsessed maniac who puts on a bat costume every night to do battle with the same criminal elements that murdered his parents. The Batman in "Batman and Robin" was a bad joke telling, worry wart of a father figure. Or maybe he was supposed to be a big brother figure? Or was it a frustrated lover figure? All of these figures are bad. When I think Batman, I think brooding, obsessive loner. Remember filmmakers: Batman = Brooding. Not moping. There's a difference.

I'd go 2 out of 4 on this one. The only thing I liked about "Batman and Robin" was Uma Thurman. She gets both points. She was quite hot as Poison Ivy. She could blow her love dust in my face. I'd obey. I'm not as powerful as Bane but I am just as loyal. I'd need a super villain name though. If her garden needs tending, call me The Fertilizer.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 garden tending Ivys

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yeah you're right.I thought it was a fun movie,but almost everything about it was awful.

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

"LUDICROUSLY UNDER-RATED" is the the phrase that comes to mind when i think of this film, as far as i`m concerned it`s easily the best of the batman movies so far, (in fact it`s better than all the others put together), especially that pile of "LUDICROUSLY OVER-RATED" hogwash "the dark knight", and how dare you suggest that batman and robin are woofters, that is something that "the sneering (homo-phobic) snob" finds extremely offensive, and let me put into context just how murderously homo-phobic i am, the second syllable of uma thurmans surname is the word "man" and that has always stopped me from fancying her to the levels i would have liked, i still fancy her mind you, (well i did in 1988 when she was 18 at the peak of her physical attractiveness and desirability), but i always wished her surname could have been "thurgirlsarse" or "thurcunt" or "thur48inchtits" or anything a bit more feminine, actually it got on my nerves even more that the first syllable of pauline hickeys name was the word "paul" why couldn`t she have just been called "BEAUTIFUL BREATHTAKINGLY INCREDIBLE GORGEOUS SEXY YOUNG BIRD WITH MASSIVE KNOCKERS AND AN UNBELEIVABLE ARSE AND TWAT" that would have been such a better name, in fact, why cant all girls be given that name at birth, it would make things so much easier !!!.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

I think ludicrous would be the best word to describe "Batman and Robin". It singlehandedly managed to derail the entire Batman franchise with its extra helping of cheese. I'm not suggesting that Batman and Robin are lovers mind you. But I am saying that the subtext of their forbidden Bat-passion was raging just below the surface. Good thing Uman Thurman was there to save the movie. And don't let the man in Thurman scare you away. I fall in love with her each time I see "Pulp Fiction". But I'm sure most movie fans do too. I just looked up Pauline Hickey's picture and have to agree with your new name for her. Quite appropriate.

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

Actually, when i think about it, the only thing that stops "Batman and Robin" from being the best comic book adaptation of all time is the fact that the director Joel Schumacher is a bloody dirty, pansy, woofter, poofter, fairy, faggot, queer bastard. If the director had been rampantly, rampagingly heterosexual it would have been a perfect movie!!!. Dirty faggots they always ruin every film they`re involved with.