Sunday, June 11, 2006

"Soul Survivors" review

Soul Survivors (2001)

Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Writing credits Stephen Carpenter

Melissa Sagemiller.... Cassie
Wes Bentley.... Matt
Casey Affleck.... Sean
Eliza Dushku.... Annabel
Angela Featherstone.... Raven

I saw this one in the movie theater. You may notice that Eliza Dushku and her breasts are prominently displayed on the poster. I noticed too! Don't be fooled. Dushku is not the heroine. You see that blond girl hiding in the back? No? Look harder. She's waaay in the back. See her now? She's the star. A star the marketing department was ashamed of.

"Soul Survivors" is a mystery. The blond girl is being chased around a lot. I mean A LOT. Why is she being chased? Who is the chaser? What the heck is going on? Let's just say your Sixth Sense will be ringing off the hook when you see the ending. Believe me when I tell you, it ain't worth sticking around that long. Ten minutes is too long. This movie is a huge snore. The only thing good about "Soul Survivors" is Eliza Dusku. No one looks as good as her smoking a cigarette and dancing around.
There's one scene that really sums up the movie's lameness. Now, I saw the PG-13 version so I'm not sure if this has changed on the DVD but the girls take a shower together. Before you leap for joy, know this: They are completely clothed!!!!! LAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!! Oh man, that really hit me where it hurts. Why did they bother? What was the point of that sadistic scene? "Gee, our movie is really lame and pointless. How can we let the audience know we despise them? I got it! The cherry on top! We have two girls play with some paint and then they shower together so the suckers, (I mean the audience), will think they're watching something interesting when in fact they are being teased to death! We have no movie! There is nothing! MOO-HAHAHAHA! Let the soul sucking begin!" Uhhhhhh...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for soul sucking lameness Do something.

Why won't you do something?

Too much tease. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

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