Thursday, January 04, 2007

"Santa's Slay" review

Santa's Slay (2005)

Directed by David Steiman
Writing credits David Steiman

Bill Goldberg .... Santa - Naughty
Douglas Smith .... Nicolas Yuleson - Nice
Emilie de Ravin .... Mary 'Mac' Mackenzie - Nice
Robert Culp .... Grandpa - Nice
Dave Thomas .... Pastor Timmons - Naughty
Saul Rubinek .... Mr. Green - Nice
Rebecca Gayheart .... Gwen Mason - Nice
Chris Kattan .... Jason Mason - Naughty
Fran Drescher .... Virginia Mason - Naughty

I was given this DVD as a Christmas present. It does my heart good to know I have friends out there who are thoughtful enough to give me a killer Santa flick. Nothing says Christmas like Bill Goldberg stomping on people’s heads as Jolly Old St. Nick.

“Santa’s Slay” is about Santa Goldberg and his yuletide massacre. After 1,000 years of being nice to people, it’s time for him to get back to what he really likes doing. Kill, kill, and, if he has some spare time, kill some more! Apparently Santa was really a demon who lost a bet many moons ago. He’s had to play nice to the kiddies for the last millennium. Now the bet is off and he’s returned to kill anyone he wants. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been naughty or nice. Santa hates you all.

“Santa’s Slay” has an odd mix for a B-movie. The first scene in “Santa’s Slay” has us staring at Fran Drescher’s cleavage. Tis a bountiful harvest! I’d never thought I’d say this, but Fran Drescher is looking pretty dang good. She has quite the figure. She is eating Christmas dinner with Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart and James Caan. What the heck are all these actors doing in my killer Santa movie? Now, I’m not in tune to the inner workings of the Hollywood machine, but when I saw that Brett Ratner was one of the producers of this flick, it became clear who got Sonny Corleone to sit at the B-movie dinner table. Hopefully we’ll see Drescher’s cleavage in Rush Hour 3 or 4 sometime soon.

So with a little money and Hollywood weight behind it, “Santa’s Slay” comes into existence. It really only consists of Goldberg beating people to death wherever he goes. He goes to a strip club, people die. He finds a bunch of carolers, he destroys them all. There is a flimsy plot about some teenagers and a crazy old grandfather but then Santa Goldberg shows up and kills someone and the plot is tossed away.

So if you want to see Bill Goldberg dress up as Santa and indiscriminately kill people while cracking terrible jokes, this is the movie for you. “Santa’s Slay” breezes right along and doesn’t tax too many brain cells. Actually, it doesn’t tax any brain cells. Santa, death, screams, Drescher’s cleavage, etc. You know the drill.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 body slamming Santas


Ronald_McMurder said...

haha, bill goldberg as a homicidal santa? sold. if you like killer santa flicks, check out "don't open till xmas". in this movie, santa sneaks up behind an unsuspecting security guard pissing at a urinal and castrates him. merry christmas!

Dr. Gore ( said...

Killer Santa movies are pretty much the bottom of the slasher barrel. Although I must confess I've seen my share of them. I think I did see "Don't open till Xmas" although I don't recall the castration scene. It's been awhile since I've seen it. But for classic Santa sleaze, you've got to go "Silent Night, Deadly Night". I remember Linnea Quigley dying horribly and looking good doing it.