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Thursday, January 04, 2007

"Santa Claws" review

Santa Claws (1996)

Directed by John A. Russo
Writing credits John A. Russo

Debbie Rochon .... Raven Quinn
Grant Cramer .... Wayne (as Grant Kramer)
John Mowod .... Eric Quinn
Dawn Michelucci .... Angela Quinn
Savannah Calhoun .... Savannah Quinn
Marilyn Eastman .... Mrs. Quinn

An obsessed B-movie fan has it in for Debbie Rochon. He wants her all for himself. But in order to win her love, he has to kill all of the sleazebag leeches that hang around her. He becomes Santa Claws, a mad killer with a garden cultivator. Nothing is more dangerous than a man with a garden cultivator. Of course he likes to think of it as his "Claw". "Santa Cultivator" just doesn't sound as scary. He stalks his way through the cast and crew of Rochon’s latest B-epic so that he can finally take Debbie home for himself.

“Santa Claws” is another tirade against mentally unbalanced B-movie fans. Or is it saying that all B-movie fans are unbalanced? I’ve never seen one of these movies where the fan was shown as anything more than slobbering obsessed loser. The simple fact that someone actually enjoys watching these movies is reason enough for condemnation. They must be crazy. I’ve often wondered if the people who make these movies ever stop and think about who’s watching their flicks. Now I’m pretty sure that they are very wary of their fan base.

As a horror flick, “Santa Claws” is a complete dud. Nothing remotely scary happens in this movie. A nut with a garden cultivator is as cheap as it gets.The results are not surprising. But as a Debbie Rochon flick, "Santa Claws" is kind of interesting. Debbie gets a lot of chances to spout out about her career and fan worship. “To horror fans, I am a celebrity.” She also has a nice scene where she poses in front of the Christmas tree. That’s the Debbie I like to see. Does that make me an obsessed loser? What’s wrong with liking a beautiful brunette who can scream her lungs out? Not a thing.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sexy Scream Queens I exploit women all day but it's the fans who are sick! Yeah right.
Here's the B-movie nut, I mean fan, trying to talk to his Goddess. Hard to do because the man is obviously insane. He watches B-movies! Watch out Debbie!

Debbie under the tree. Merry Christmas indeed.

2 comments:

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

dr. gore, how about this for the perfect christmas present, debbie rochon wearing nothing but a smile as she was on the 3rd of november 1986, (her 18th birthday), now thats perfection, merry christmas pal.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

That would be a fine Christmas present. Also a good birthday, New Year's and Groundhog's day gift. And as much as an 18 year old Debbie would be appreciated, I think I'd take any Debbie I could get and call it a party.