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Monday, January 01, 2007

"Black Christmas" review

Black Christmas (2006)

Directed by Glen Morgan
Writing credits Glen Morgan

Katie Cassidy .... Kelli
Michelle Trachtenberg .... Melissa
Mary Elizabeth Winstead .... Heather
Lacey Chabert .... Dana
Kristen Cloke .... Leigh
Andrea Martin .... Ms. Mac
Crystal Lowe .... Lauren

I saw “Black Christmas” in a dinky theater with two other guys. Literally, two other guys. We were the only ones there. They weren’t friends of mine; they just kind of stumbled into the theater. Each one of us had a whole row to ourselves. It was great. Best audience I’ve seen a movie with in a long time. So it was three die hard horror fans that came out to see a Christmas-set slasher flick. Who else would possibly watch this?

A bunch of college girls are stuck in their sorority house over Christmas. It just so happens that their house used to be occupied by a psychotic killer. This year, the nutcase decides to come home and ruin their festivities. By bashing their heads in and carving their eyes out of course. He doesn’t like the way they look at him. Many girls will pay the price for not going home for the holidays.

I can’t tell you how much I was looking forward to seeing sorority babes run for their lives from a holly jolly madman. “Black Christmas” held promise. But this movie reminds us all why slasher flicks shouldn’t be set during the winter. The sorority girls are wearing too much clothing! They can’t jump in the pool, can’t skinny dip in the lake, etc. What can they do? Wear lots of scarves and mittens that’s what! It’s just not right. Psychos need tempting targets.

Now, speaking of the sorority girls, I’m not one to complain about such a trivial thing in a slasher flick as characterization. But “Black Christmas” doesn’t even make a vague attempt to differentiate between these women. I mean, they are all the same woman. The same over dressed, idiotic woman who creeps into dark spaces so she can die as quickly as possible.

“Black Christmas” is a by the numbers slasher flick. It’s as stripped down and efficient a blood spilling machine as I’ve seen. That doesn’t mean it’s scary. Or good for that matter. The women walk around the house and get killed. That’s all there is to it. It has a couple of decent gore scenes so it’s not totally worthless. It moved right along and kept the blood flowing. If you’re in need of a slasher movie fix, “Black Christmas” may be worth a rental. But if your need for bloody slasher mayhem isn’t desperate, I’d let this one go.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 lambs to the slaughter

2 comments:

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

michelle trachtenberg is such a gorgeous bird, i`d just love to unload half a pint of spunk all over that gorgeous little darlin`s cute little face, and then unload another half pint down her lushious young throat, there is something incredible about that little sexpot, (even though at 23 she is 5 years past her peak). Now onto the film, i cant understand why it failed at the north american box office because i thought it was actually better than bob clarks original, and perfect to watch on christmas eve with a gorgeous sexy bird and a few mince pies.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

One of the best scenes in "Eurotrip" was Michelle Trachtenberg making out with her brother. That scene did weird and wonderful things to me. It proved what a great kisser she is and how she can drive all men to madness. But in "Black Christmas" she was just another lamb to the slaughter. Never saw the Bob Clark original but this one just plopped off the Hollywood remake assembly line. It's got some points but not enough to defend it too much.