"The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae" review

The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae (2004)

Director: Helen Black
Writer: Helen Black

Anoushka ... Sexy Friend
Erin Brown ... Misty Mundae (as Misty Mundae)
Darian Caine ... Fantasy Girl 1
A.J. Khan ... Love Goddess
Julian Wells ... The Teacher

“The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae” AKA “The Pimping of Misty Mundae” shows Seduction Cinema at its most shameless. They must have had a bunch of sex scenes lying around on the floor and wondered what to do with them. They needed some hook to haphazardly tie them together so they had Mundae blather on about how she has these strange sex fantasies that look a lot like Seduction Cinema clips. They had a couple of scenes of Darian Caine and Mundae going at it along with Ruby Larocca and Anoushka having a good time. Throw in a clip from a Julian Wells flick and they had a rough facsimile of a movie. Buy it suckers!

Seduction Cinema has been sitting on this one for awhile. It must have been stashed away for a rainy day. Now that Mundae has ditched her Misty past for “Erin Brown” town, it’s monsoon season over in Seduction land. Oh, they’ve got other girls in their stable but none that will click with the late night crowd like Mundae. I wish I could say I was one of the Misty fans but I’m not. She does fascinate me though. It’s all part of my never ending quest to understand why guys like her. It’s been explained to me but I still don’t get it. Its hard research but I don’t mind the long hours with Misty and friends.

“The Erotic Pimping of Misty Mundae” has several sex scenes that are (very) loosely tied together by voiceover from Mundae. She seems to have a fascination with Darian Caine so they have three sex scenes together. One scene has them having a pillow fight followed by naked tickling with a huge feather. This part of the diary wasn’t that erotic for me. Mundae also daydreams about Anoushka and Ruby having two sex scenes, one on a bed and one in a bath. The “movie” ends with a Julian Wells/Mundae clip from “Dr Jekyll and Mistress Hyde” which I would normally refer to as filler but that would imply that the rest of the movie wasn’t filler.

So the “Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae” is the first all-filler movie. It’s for people who truly get off on Misty Mundae and need more of her in their lives. Seduction Cinema also pulls the same trick they used in another stinker, “That 70’s Girl”, by showing all the sex scenes in slow motion. This is to cover up the fact that if they ran them at normal speed the movie would have lasted 45 minutes. They even have the nerve to rip-off one of the best sex scenes in “Mistress Hyde” but don’t let it grind on to the best part. The ending of the sex scene had a girl tied up in ropes while Julian went to work on her breasts. Now that my friend would have made a great entry in the erotic diary.

The only thing that saves this diary from getting thrown in the garbage is Anoushka. She has a look that I love. Great breasts, nice body and always knows what to do with the other woman. Even with her sex scenes crawling by in annoying slow motion, I still loved it. As for the rest of the diary, Mundae can keep her slow motion fantasies to herself. Unless you’re crazy for all things Misty, you can let this one go.

One last thought, instead of being credited as Dr Jekyll or Mistress Hyde, Julian Wells is credited as The Teacher. She certainly could teach Mundae a thing or two about the Sapphic arts. This teacher credit is fitting because as you know, Julian Wells invented sex. Well, actually that’s not true. There was sex before Julian Wells. But man, it wasn’t any good.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 love teaching Wells

"The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String" review

The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String (2003)

Director: Terry West

Writer: Terry West

Erin Brown ... Dildo Saggins (as Misty Mundae)

Darian Caine ... Horny

A.J. Khan ... Spam (as A.J. Kahn)

Barbara Joyce ... Araporn

Michael R. Thomas ... Smirnof, the Wizard

John Link ... Ballem

Anoushka ... Benadryl

Allanah Rhodes ... Hymen Torn
Julian Wells... Tree Nymph (as Juliette Charles)

Suzi Lorraine... Drusilla (as Kelli Summers)

Ahh Misty Mundae. That’s right, I said Misty Mundae. I do not, nor will I ever, accept the name “Erin Brown”. It might very well be her real name but I still won’t call her that. It’s Misty forever. There is no escape. It would be a better world if people would look upon starring in a string of lesbian sex flicks as a good thing. I know I have no problems with it. But I guess that’s obvious.

Mundae and friends are Throbbits. It’s kind of like being a Hobbit except you get laid a lot more. They need to destroy the deadly G-String before it falls into the wrong hands. Along the way, the Throbbits take the time to relax from the pressures of G-String destruction and have plenty of sex. One of the first sex scenes has Mundae getting it on with some hairy man. Odds Botkins! That G-String is so powerful its driven lesbian kingpin Mundae insane! Soon she comes back down to earth and gets back to kissing girls. Some other inane plot twists happen and the viewer ignores them in the hope that another sex scene will start soon. Thankfully there are two good sex scenes near the end which save Throbbit town from total destruction at the bottom of my garbage can.

I had to see “Lord of the G-Strings” after my cousin boldly proclaimed that this was the best of the late night Cinemax offerings. He also thinks Mundae is one of the better softcore performers. “Can’t you just let her disrobe in peace?” he said, “At least she doesn’t take it seriously. Most of the late night flicks are just some lame murder mystery with sex thrown in. Misty’s movies are fun. And by the way, her body is fine.” While I respect my cousin’s opinion, he’s also a guy who sees three to four movies a year and is definitely not an expert on late night softcore adventures.

So it’s the casual fans that truly get off on Misty Mundae. She is the non-threatening softcore star. But Mundae does not turn me on and this is a tragedy. You want your softcore stars to have a look and an attitude that screams sex. I look at Mundae and I want to send her packing back to Throbbit town. I’ve bashed Mundae enough in other reviews so I’ll just say that the main Throbbit once again left me cold. Sorry cousin. I can’t agree with you.

That’s not to say there aren’t some good things here. If there is one good thing about Mundae it’s that she is always ready to have an extended kissing session with whomever they put in front of her lips. She also is proficient in the art of licking nipples. And yes, it is an art. There’s a good four-way scene with Mundae, Darian Caine, A.J. Khan and another woman. A.J. is great in this scene as she pairs off with Caine for some extended lovemaking. There’s also a pretty good three-way scene near the end with Mundae, Khan and a TREE NYMPH. It ends the movie with some nice lesbian NYMPH action.

Overall, this was a decent Seduction Cinema flick. It’s got some hot lesbian action, (I love typing that), and some amusing scenes in between the hot lesbian action, (I did it again, WOO-HOO!). It’s worth a look.

One last thought, the IMDb has Julian Wells credited as TREE NYMPH in “Lord of the G-Strings” under the name “Juliette Charles”. This credit is incorrect as I can assure you that Julian is nowhere to be found in Throbbit town. I’d recognize her freckled body anywhere and the TREE NYMPH is not freckled beauty Wells. I believe the TREE NYMPH is actually Isadora Edison from “Suburban Secrets”. I know my Seduction Cinema babes and take my TREE NYMPH credits seriously. Wells may be a nymph, but she’s no TREE NYMPH.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 throbbing Mundaes

"Hellblock 13" review

Hellblock 13 (2000)

Director: Paul Talbot
Writers: Jeffrey Miller Michael R. Smith

Gunnar Hansen ... The Executioner
Debbie Rochon ... Tara
Jon Miller ... Prison Guard #1
Brian Kelly ... Prison Guard #2 (as Brian D. Kelly)
Jeff Jordan ... Doctor

Debbie Rochon is in prison for crimes against humanity. She gleefully killed many people and is excited about being executed. The giant prison guard, (Gunnar Hansen), wants to make her death wish come true. But before she takes the fast lane down the highway to Hell, Debbie wants to entertain Hansen with tales of murder and mayhem. She’s been writing stories down that she hears from the many ghosts that live in her Troma prison. Hansen listens with disgust to the three horror stories that Rochon spins for him.

“Hellblock 13” is an anthology movie from Troma. I’m not much of a Troma fan so I was a little worried that this was going to head down their usual path of bodily fluids and stupid jokes. But thanks to a maniacal Rochon and some gory horror tales, “Hellblock 13” turned out OK. This movie reminds me of why I like Rochon so much. I’ve always had a thing for long haired brunettes and Debbie is at the top of her game here. She plays a raving lunatic who lusts after blood and broken necks. She looks great in this one and is fun to watch as a wild killer scurrying about her cell.

The first story has a young mother having second thoughts about the children in her life. They might weigh her down so she decides to dump them overboard. The kids disapprove of mommy’s selfish ways. The second story is the funniest as a hick couple needs marriage counseling from an evil witch. The witch has a potion that may put the monster of a husband down for good. Or it could go awry as evil ways have a tendency to do in these kinds of movies. The last story is the weakest as a biker gang looks for salvation from a really hot, (and dead), biker chick. They need protection from cops and will perform a blood ritual to show how much they love hot chicks in leather.

“Hellblock 13” is a fun B-flick. Rochon knows how to tell some good blood and guts stories to pass the time before her execution. “Hellblock 13” also finishes strong as Rochon decides to carry out her sentence by putting a razor blade to good use. The anthology tales keep moving and deliver some good gore scenes. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 diabolical Debbies

"Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant" review

Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant (2001)

Director: Zert Sineca
Writer: Zert Sineca

Jason Christ ... Scott Loomis
Lisa Morrison ... Angie (as Lisa A. Morrison)
Emily Haack ... Mary
Angela Zimmerly ... Jill
Scot Spookytooth ... Mary's Boyfriend

When people see some of the movies I review, a question I’m invariably asked is, “How in the world did you find out about this one?” As I’m watching “Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant”, I find myself asking that same question, “How in the world did I find out about this one?” I’m not sure how it ended up in my hands but sleazy movies just somehow gravitate to me. Or do I gravitate to them? Either way, it was in my orbit so I had to watch it.

“Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant” is about a man and his chloroform. A sexual deviant likes to break into women’s houses, usually while they’re showering, shove chloroform over their mouths and then molest them while they sleep. He also likes to put them in various poses and take pictures of their naked bodies. He leaves one picture behind just so the women know they’ve been violated. The city of St. Louis is gripped with fear as Chester the molester lets his chloroform fetish take over his life.

“Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant” is a fetish movie. It was made for guys who get off on seeing women helpless. Most of the movie is taken up with scenes of girls being knocked out with chloroform and then having an unconscious pictorial taken of them for the freak. The movie runs about an hour so there isn’t a lot of wasted time on non-chloroform activity.

I kind of liked this flick. It’s an interesting look at a truly bizarre fetish. I consider “Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant” to be a learning experience. I’ve learned that I don’t have a chloroform fetish. This is good news. But it makes you wonder who the real sexual deviant is. Is it the disturbed guy who likes to control women with his ever present chloroform? Or is it the weirdo who rents this movie hoping to watch scene after scene of passed out naked women? Both maybe?

Ahh, who am I to judge? I’ve enjoyed harsher movies than this. So if you like this kind of stuff, “Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 chloroform deviants

"Emmanuelle in Space: One Last Fling" review

Emmanuelle in Space: One Last Fling (1994)
AKA Emmanuelle 6: One Final Fling

Director:Jean-Jacques Lamore
Writers: J.C. Knowlton

Krista Allen ... Emmanuelle
Paul Michael Robinson ... Captain Haffron Williams
Tiendra Demian ... Tasha
Jennifer Burton

(Singing): E-man-u-elle, Queen of the Galaxy…E-man-u-elle…you look just like Krista Allen…(End Singing) Emmanuelle is the only woman on Earth who can help a spaceship full of intergalactic dorks understand human love. The Emmanuelle movies are based on the worldly Emmanuelle and her escapades in exotic locations. This time, Emmanuelle is in outer space with a bunch of voyeurs who can’t wait to put their headsets on so that they can have a virtual party with her. Now that Emmanuelle is in space, it makes it easy for her to teleport to many parts of the globe so she can keep her sex education going.

In this installment of “Emmanuelle in Spaaaaaaace!” she wants to have one last fling with her studly space captain. So they whip out the teleporting remote control and zap themselves to various hot spots around the world. It’s all in an attempt to see how many times they can have sex before the movie ends. When Emmanuelle asks if he’s ever done it on a boat, it’s off to a boat they go. If Emmanuelle wants to do it in China, they’ll be banging near the Great Wall. If the pyramids turn her on, it’s time for 69 on the Nile. You get the idea.

I was pleased with this one. I had seen another one of the “Emmanuelle in Spaaaaaaace!” movies and was left dissatisfied because Emmanuelle, (Krista Allen), was missing in action for a good portion of the movie. In “One Last Fling”, Emmanuelle is naked and doing her thing throughout most of the movie. It’s kind of an exercise in intergalactic fidelity. Emmanuelle wants to spend some quality time with her muscular alien friend before he leaves her at the speed of light. This is good news for the viewer as Krista Allen is unbelievably hot. There have been many Emmanuelle’s before Krista Allen but she is one of the few that I could completely believe would be the embodiment of sex and desire. My God Emmanuelle. Is there anything you don’t know?

So if you’re in dire need of a Krista Allen fix, (and I was!), “One Last Fling” is the “Emmanuelle in Spaaaaaaace!” installment to get.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 E-man-u-elles...

"Satanic Yuppies" review

Satanic Yuppies (1996)
AKA Evil Ambitions

Directors: Mark Burchett Michael D. Fox
Writers: Mark Burchett Michael D. Fox

Paul Morris ... Pete McGavin
Amber Newman ... Brittany Drake
David Levy ... Gideon Jessup
Lucy Frashure ... Julie Swanson
Renae Raos ... Detective Leslie Kellog
Glori-Anne Gilbert ... Home Movie Girl 1 (director's cut)
Debbie Rochon ... Madame Natalie

You take your life in your hands when you play Netflix Russian Roulette. A while back I added hundreds of B-movies to my Netflix queue. I have no idea what order they’re in because I want to be surprised when I get the email telling me what’s coming next. So I get the word that “Satanic Yuppies” is in the pipeline and heading my way. I vaguely remember adding this one to the mix. After a quick bit of research, I see that Glori-Ann Gilbert and Debbie Rochon are in it. Ahh hah, that explains my logic in putting it on the list of movie death. So I shoved the satanic bullet into the chamber and gave the barrel a spin. Click. Bam! Thankfully it wasn’t a fatal round of Russian Roulette as parts of the movie saved me from blowing my brains out although “Satanic Yuppies” did leave a scar.

A tabloid reporter is after a hot scoop. He comes across a naked girl with her heart ripped out. This is news! Upon further investigation, it comes to his attention that there could be Satanic Yuppies involved. All roads of inquiry lead back to the only modeling agency in Cincinnati. You know it has to be evil. Some naked women show up to try to seduce him over to the dark side. He’ll have none of it. Well, he’d like some of it but he’d rather have his satanic yuppie headlines.

“Satanic Yuppies” does have a couple of hot women to distract you from the fact that you’re watching a whole lot of nothing. Glori-Ann Gilbert shows up to squirm around naked in a few scenes. Debbie Rochon is the fortune teller who informs the reporter that he’s in a lot of trouble. She does not get naked which was disappointing. Debbie’s breasts could have helped the reporter focus on battling the evil around him. Well, it would have helped me focus on staying awake while watching this movie. But since Debbie decided to gaze into her crystal ball with her clothes on, I started to lose interest. Rapidly.

“Satanic Yuppies” is another prime example of the lame horror comedy. Actually, using the word “horror” to describe this movie would be erroneous. Come to think of it, using the word “comedy” to describe “Satanic Yuppies” would also be giving it too much credit. Let’s just call it lame and move on to the next Netflix disaster.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 satanic yuppies

Satanic modeling.

The Devil wears Armani.

"Pretty Cool 2" review

Pretty Cool 2 (2007)

Director: Rolfe Kanefsky
Writer: Rolfe Kanefsky

Eric Fagundes ... Walter Buckell
Julia Lehman ... Agatha
Angela Dodson ... Brittany
James Ferris ... Dave Buckell
Jennifer Day ... Debbie
Robert Donovan ... Mr. Buckell
Joy Giovanni ... June
Tiffany Shepis ... Tracy
Kristyn Green ... Crystal

A nerdy guy gets his hands on the greatest cell phone in the world. Through a freak accident that only happens in B-movies, his cell phone merges with a mind reading device. His cell phone becomes GENIE, a hot babe that can control other people’s minds. Weird Science indeed. Will he use his powers for good and get people to be nice to each other? Or will he want the horny girls next door to pay for teasing him? The power to control women is just too tempting…

I can now safely say that Rolfe Kanefsky is an even hornier geek than I am. That’s a bold statement. In “Pretty Cool Too”, making a decent comedy was not as important as getting women to fake orgasms. Much like “Rod Steele”, (another Kanefsky flick), the central theme of the movie is a magical device which makes people do whatever you say. Since it’s in the hands of a horny geek, (Kanefsky), most of the women roll around faking orgasms on cue. This movie is a cry for help. Just indulge the Big O fetish with Rolfe and you’re sure to be in “Pretty Cool Three: Moan for Me”.

“Pretty Cool Too” could also be taken as a metaphor for directing. Directors find themselves in the enviable position of telling beautiful women what to do, how to talk, how to undress, etc. Of course, these women wouldn’t have anything to do with them in real life but in the movies, they’ll fake orgasms for a director barking orders all day long. In “Pretty Cool Too”, the GENIE cell phone represents Kanefsky and his all-powerful ways of getting women to do whatever he wants. Directions come pouring out of the cell phone and before you know it, Tiffany Shepis is crawling around on all fours while a horny cowgirl is getting wet on her stuffed pony. It’s a tough life.

But what saves “Pretty Cool Too” is that Kanefsky is a good director. I really liked “The Hazing” and have enjoyed most of his other movies. He delivers the horny thrills you’re looking for in his various B-adventures. “Pretty Cool Too” is a decent sex comedy. There’s one extended scene where the guy has a perpetual hard-on and keeps getting it crushed in various devices. I was laughing, (and wincing), during that scene. There are also plenty of topless women as the Rolfe cell phone tells them to do away with their pesky clothes. So if you’re in the mood for a teen sex comedy with a lot of fake orgasms, “Pretty Cool Too” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 geeky guys acting cool

These girls need direction.

Lick the cherry. Lick the cherry!!! Oh, and the frosting. Lick the frosting!!!RARRRRR!!!

"Decoys: The Second Seduction" review

Decoys: The Second Seduction (2007)
AKA Decoys 2: Alien Seduction

Director: Jeffery Scott Lando
Writers: Tom Berry Miguel Tejada-Flores

Corey Sevier... Luke Callahan
Tyler Johnston... Sam Compton
Kailin See... Stephanie Baxter
Kim Poirier... Constance Snowden
Dina Meyer... Dr. Alana Geisner
Tobin Bell... Professor Erwin Buckton

I saw “Decoys: The Second Seduction” the other day with my plus one and our mutual bad movie loving friend. It was way past time for some Chipotle and a movie. You can’t go to Chipotle and not watch a movie afterwards. I had the burrito bowl but my plus one insists that real men have the burrito. But I’m telling you that the burrito bowl with a Negro Modelo is the only way to fly. Chipotle is the fuel that gets you ready for cinema.

After some delicious Chipotle, we cruised back to the apartment for a viewing of “Decoys: The Second Seduction”. I was the only one there who had seen the first one although I barely remembered it. I just remembered aliens posing as blonde college girls to fool the horny college students and even hornier guys renting the movie. I promised the two amigos that there would be blonde aliens looking for blood. We had a shot of Jameson’s to celebrate and started the “Decoy” party.

So a bunch of aliens are posing as blonde college girls. They get the guys alone and proceed to waste them with their phallic tentacles. A couple of geeks start to get suspicious when the hot chicks start talking to them. They must be killer aliens! Soon the geeks will put their heads together to take the campus back from the intergalactic hotties.

One of the Jedi mind tricks that the aliens play on the guys is to look deep within their souls and figure out what kind of female fantasy turns them on. So if some guy is really into leather, the alien instantly transforms into a leather dominatrix. If some guy is into leopard tights, she’ll turn into a spandex-wearing Catwoman, etc. Unfortunately this little gimmick also emphasizes what’s missing in this movie. You’d think one of the guys would have been turned on by a naked woman. There’s too much tease and not enough skin in these fantasies. I would have imagined a girl in panties and leather boots and that’s it. Keep it simple. That’s my motto.

“Decoys: The Second Seduction” is a fair B-movie. It hums along and didn’t make me want to hurl myself over the balcony after watching it. It needed some more naked aliens to make it a B-movie you could be proud of but as it is, it’s just passable entertainment. If you must see it, it won’t hurt you too much. I would just make sure to have some Chipotle before watching it. It’ll make the “Decoys” go down smoother. And be sure to get the burrito bowl with extra cheese. You’ll be a winner every time.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 killer blonde decoys - Don't get too close Your friendly doctor recommends a dosage of Chipotle to ease the B-movie pain

"Sex Hex" review

Sex Hex (2007)

Director: George Freeway
Writer: George Freeway

Sabrina Faire
Jackie Stevens
Sativa Verte
Molly Heartbreaker
Darian Caine
A.J. Khan

A succubus has put a sex hex on a cheap looking office. Apparently the office is populated by lesbians who only needed a little Sapphic push from a horny servant of Satan. Some dork is investigating the mysterious shenanigans but he just distracts from the all-girl action. Will A.J. Khan and Darian Caine give in to their forbidden desires and fall under Sabrina Faire’s lesbian sex hexing? As if you didn’t know…

“Sex Hex” was directed by “George Freeway”. I feel safe in saying that this name is bogus and that “Sex Hex” was made by the same players who gave us “Kinky Kong”. The same terrible lighting technique is used here for the ladies. Whenever the sex scene starts ramping up, the girls are lit up so that you can see them from outer space. Once again, this disastrous filmmaking choice ruins most of the movie.

It’s important in softcore flicks to try to make the sex scenes believable. We know the performers are not actually having sex but we like to believe that they are. These scenes don’t need any extra lighting, music, editing or anything else that takes the viewer’s horny mind off of the image of two, (or three), women licking and kissing each other.

So “Sex Hex” was pretty much a dud for me. You wouldn’t think cheap lesbian sex flicks could get overproduced but then “Sex Hex” and “Kinky Kong” come along to prove otherwise. “Sex Hex” can be skipped.

One last thought, there was one good thing about “Sex Hex” and that one good thing was A.J. Khan. I don’t think I can praise her enough for her dedication to the Sapphic arts. She has one decent sex scene with Darian Caine near the beginning of the movie. Not only does A.J. have a great body, she always knows what to do with the other female she’s with. A.J is always energetic and gives it her best in each sex scene. She was the reason I watched this movie. Now if we could only get her to star in her own Emmanuelle movies. A.J. Khan…Queen of the galaxy…

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 sex hexing Khans

Yeah, I've been hexed.

"Captivity" and the art of the B-movie hustle

Captivity (2007)

Director: Roland Joffé
Writers: Larry Cohen

Elisha Cuthbert... Jennifer

The amount of time and energy that is going into promoting “Captivity” is an interesting display of B-movie hustle. It’s the kind of shameless exploitation that you just don’t see much of these days. Most B-movies land with a soft thud in the video store waiting for some dupe to pick it up and give it a whirl. The hucksters behind “Captivity” really want the world to think that they have got an ultra shocking film that must be seen. “Captivity” is not content to be just another box on the video shelf waiting for that one B-movie fan to show it some love. It wants to stir up the mainstream and reap all of the controversy and condemnation their little exploitation flick can muster. Will the normal people take the bait and point their self righteous fingers at the B-movie fiends? They already have. Suckers.

But first, let’s jump back in time to last year. I went to an advanced screening of “Captivity” at the Arclight Cinema in Hollywood. I was sitting in front of the writer and a tall blonde who I think was Hundra in the classic 80’s cheesefest “Hundra”. The guy sitting next to me was talking to himself and babbling about starting his own radio station. I was listening to the people sitting behind me and they were wondering if the director was going to show up for the screening. Someone yelled out that he was in Italy. I took that as a bad sign. He didn’t want to see the reaction to his movie. So with all of this going on around me, I settled in to watch “Captivity”.

“Captivity” is about a blonde getting imprisoned and tortured. It is about nothing else. Cuthbert goes through the B-movie motions of a spoiled model getting forced to do things against her will. Sadistic mind games twist Cuthbert until she just can’t take it anymore. More violence and depravity follow.

When the screening was over, they asked us to stay behind to answer a few questions. I was the only one in that room who kind of liked “Captivity”. I thought it was a fair B-movie. The rest of the group despised it. They were not the right target audience. These were mainstream moviegoers all the way. Near the end of the session, they asked us to grade some alternate ending ideas. One of the possible endings was to have Cuthbert take a shotgun and shoot the main bad guy in the nuts. I applauded that ending. I was alone in my applause.

As I left the theater, I didn’t see much of a theatrical future for “Captivity”. It had the look, feel and smell of a straight to video B-flick. After the critical mauling they got from the test audience, I felt sure that the responsible filmmakers behind “Captivity” would see it my way and send it to a video store near me as soon as possible. Now I understand that I was terribly wrong.

Never underestimate a determined B-movie showman. The carnies behind the sideshow “Captivity” won’t take no for an answer. Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Step right up for the wildest spectacle you’ve ever seen! We’ve got a blonde behind bars! WOO-HOO! Bring the kids! Fun for the whole family!

The brainstorming on how to hustle “Captivity” must have started the night after the screening. They knew they needed a hook to get audiences already bloodied by the “Saw” and “Hostel” flicks excited about their particular celluloid brutality. So they let their marketing department off the chain and allowed them to run free and cause havoc. It was B-movie promotional gold they brought back to their masters.

So some maniacal genius unleashed a series of billboards in Los Angeles to brace moviegoers for the onslaught of “Captivity”. It was a disgusting billboard even by my standards. There’s something about driving down Pico and seeing a four panel billboard promising you “Abduction, Confinement, Torture, (with a picture of Cuthbert being force fed through her nose), Termination” that makes you feel dirty just looking at it.I was laughing at the filmmaker’s desperate decision to sell their B-flick. But I thought to myself, if I’m doing a double take on this billboard, I wonder how the normal moviegoers are going to react.

Well, it didn’t take long for the rubes to be up in arms over this billboard. It even got a mention in the California section of the L.A. Times as a columnist proceeded to rip into the filmmakers for their decision to blight L.A. with their exploitative advertising. Won’t someone please think of the children?! When contacted about their morally bankrupt billboard, the filmmakers assured the general public that is was all a misunderstanding and the billboards would be taken down by next week. The public congratulated itself on a job well done.

Of course we all know the truth. The filmmakers were the real winners as they drew more attention to their little “blonde in a hole” flick than any amount of trailers and talk show appearances possibly could. Those billboards were no mistake. The filmmakers were praying for some self righteous do-gooder to condemn them. All of the stones that were thrown at them felt so good. Now people will remember “Captivity”.

After the billboard fiasco, I read that the filmmakers went back and reshot 30-40% of the movie to add some more blood and gore. So the movie I saw a year ago is probably nowhere near the movie that will be slinking into theaters. Now the posters around town just have a picture of Cuthbert staring behind prison bars. At the bottom of the poster it reads, “Friday July 13th.” The hustle never ends…

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for blondes, blood and B-movie bullsh-t

"The Devil's Den" review

The Devil's Den (2006)

Director: Jeff Burr
Writer: Mitch Gould

Kelly Hu... Caitlin
Devon Sawa... Quinn
Ken Foree... Leonard
Steven Schub... Nick
Karen Maxwell... Candy
Dawn Olivieri... Jezebel
Ken Ohara... Zatoichi
Melissa Barker... Ghoul
Jacki R. Chan... Dancer/Ghoul

Two buddies traveling through Mexico decide to stop off at a strip club. They end up at the Titty Twister. Oops, I mean The Devil’s Den. They want to test out their batch of Spanish flies on the unsuspecting strippers. It doesn’t take long before the strippers reveal themselves to be blood thirsty vampires! Wait a minute. That’s not right. They’re actually blood thirsty ghouls! Ooooh. I see the difference now. The rest of the movie has the survivors doing battle with the ghoulish women while the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

“Devil’s Den” is an unapologetic rip-off of “From Dusk Till Dawn”. It has all of the strippers, blood sucking and limb ripping you would expect to see in such a B-movie outing. Kelly Hu shows up as a government assassin with great legs and an endless supply of bullets. Ken Foree is the samurai Zen master who has been studying up on ghoul strippers and how to dispatch them to their eternal grave. Together with slacker Devon Sawa, they will band together to chase the ghouls back down to Hell.

I was pleased with “Devil’s Den”. The good news is that “Devil’s Den” is a well made rip-off of “From Dusk Till Dawn”. It keeps moving along and delivers plenty of B-movie thrills. I could’ve used a little more gratuitous nudity from the ghoul girls. They were a little too shy for me. But there was plenty of blood and guts flying around to keep me happy. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 ghoul killing Hu's

Government assassins need great legs to subdue their enemy.

"Wedding Slashers" review

Wedding Slashers (2006)

Director: Carlos Scott
Writers: John Howard Robert Paul Medrano

Dickie Collins... Will
Mark Cumberland... The Executioner
Tanith Fiedler... Ashley
Maria Ford
Kristin Hansen... Mom
Ross Kelly... Alex
Jessica Kinney... Jenna
Richard Lynch... Daddy

A bride is having second thoughts on the eve of her nuptials. She thinks she is going to have a bloody wedding and wants to call the whole thing off. It seems her family is just a little bit possessive and likes to kill any potential lover/boyfriend/husband. She thought she had left the folks behind but they’re back to slash their way through the guests, ushers, bridesmaids, best man and anyone else who happens to be standing around.

First off, let me say how happy I was to see Maria Ford back in B-movies. I rented “Wedding Slashers” because I saw that she was in it. Although she wasn’t in the movie for very long, I still enjoyed seeing Ford going through the horror movie motions. It’s comforting to see a familiar face even if Ford’s was hacked to pieces.

“Wedding Slashers” is a fun B-movie. It doesn’t waste a lot of time on filler and other sleep inducing scenes. You pay to see people get sliced and diced at a wedding and that’s what you get. There are plenty of gory scenes as the guest list gets trimmed by the homicidal bride’s family. Ford’s early demise was a classic that I had to rewind a couple of times to get the full blood gushing effect. “Wedding Slashers” has heads being lopped off, eyes getting popped out and other wholesome scenes of carnage.

So if you’re in the mood to watch a psychotic family turn their daughter’s big day into a blood splattered ceremony, “Wedding Slashers” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bloody brides

"Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors" review

Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors (2001)

Director: John Bacchus
Writers: John Bacchus Joe Ned

Darian Caine ... Eroticus
Erin Brown ... Clitoris (as Misty Mundae)
Jade Duboir ... Orgasmus
John Paul Fedele ... Dickus Minimus (as John P. Fedele)
Debbie Rochon ... Slave Master Fellatio
Katie Jordan ... Lesbian Axe Gladiator
A.J. Khan ... Lesbian Spear Gladiator
Ruby Larocca ... Clitoris' Wench (as Esmerelda Dellaroca)
Lilly Tiger ... Horny Seamstress

I bought this DVD because it felt like the right time for some lesbian gladiators. Come to think of it, it’s always the right time for some lesbian gladiators. Darian Caine wants to take on the forces of darkness after being enslaved as a lesbian gladiator. She attacks anyone who crosses her path by having lesbian gladiator sex with them. Debbie Rochon shows up and does not have lesbian gladiator sex. Darian overcomes Debbie’s Sapphic reluctance by getting it on with every other female cast member – Lesbian gladiator style.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there were a lot of lesbian gladiators in this movie. There was some juvenile plot going on in the background but I found it better to ignore that nonsense and fast forward through it all. Whenever a man showed up trying to explain something, it was fast forward time. It didn’t matter what he had to say. Whatever it was, it would’ve been a complete waste of time to listen to it. He wasn’t a lesbian gladiator so who cares what he’s babbling about? One day perhaps filmmakers will realize that men have no place in a lesbian gladiator movie.

So if you ignore all of the idiotic men in this movie, “Gladiator Eroticvs” is a pretty good softcore flick. Darian Caine gets to have most of the fun in this one. Everyone gets a piece of Caine. For some reason, her voice is dubbed. They didn’t believe that a raspy voiced Caine could be believable as the lesbian general?! I’m shocked and disgusted. Well, not really. But I did think it was funny. One of my favorite sex scenes had Caine and Jade Duboir going at it on the field of lesbian battle. Whatever happened to Jade Duboir? She was great in this one. I also loved her in “Vampire Obsession”. She’s got perfect perky breasts that beg for a lesbian gladiator licking. Caine was there to oblige her.

Later in the movie, A.J. Khan shows up in a battle scene along with Katie Jordan and some other lesbian gladiators. It quickly shifts gears into an orgy. A.J. Khan knows a thing or two about being a lesbian gladiator. A.J. and Katie Jordan go very well together. In one part of the raging battle orgy, A.J. yanks Katie’s hair back so she can get at her breasts. Jordan likes it a little rough and Khan pushes all of her buttons. She pushes mine too.

A.J. Khan is great. Its women like her that makes softcore flicks worth watching. It’s not just about posing for the camera. It’s about knowing what your onscreen partner likes and trying to get a strong reaction out of them. I’ve never seen a bad A.J. Khan sex scene. Some are better than others but she has tried her best to make it hot.

So if you’re looking for lesbian gladiators, and I’m sure you are, “Gladiator Eroticvs” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 A.J. Eroticvs

"Skin Crawl" review

Skin Crawl (2007)

Director: Justin Wingenfeld
Writer: Justin Wingenfeld

Debbie Rochon ... Margret
Julian Wells ... Sadie
Kevin G. Shinnick ... Howard
Erin Brown ... Streetwalker (as Misty Mundae)
John Paul Fedele
Gustavo Ferrari ... Frank
Ruby Larocca ...Franco's Wife

Julian Wells is a conniving, sleazy home wrecker. She sets her sights on some hapless jerk who’s married to Debbie Rochon. How this guy managed to get with both Debbie Rochon and Julian Wells requires a suspension of disbelief of mammoth proportions. She convinces her chump lover that they should knock off Rochon before she gets a chance to divorce him. With the help of some other Seduction Cinema regulars, Rochon is dispatched to her grave. Little does anyone know that Rochon’s ancestors were witches who cast some sort of zombie revenge spell on their bloodline. If one of their descendants should be murdered, they will rise from their grave to get their revenge. Julian better watch out for Debbie of the Dead.

“Skin Crawl” lets Julian take the spotlight as she plots and schemes her way into some easy money. After all, who could possibly resist Julian Wells? Once she puts on the leather pants, it’s a done deal. “Skin Crawl” lets Julian be as sexy and evil as she wants to be. It also has my new favorite Julian Wells line. In one scene, Julian and her sap boyfriend are lounging around in the kitchen. She knows that he is dying to try some anal sex with her. She turns around, slips off her tight leather pants and says, “I’m already lubed baby.” Classic. Freaking classic.

Of course what’s really shocking about “Skin Crawl” is that Julian Wells is having sex with men. Being a long time veteran of Julian cinema, I found myself slightly thrown off by the fact that she wasn’t making out with Misty Mundae. But “Skin Crawl” really gives you as much Julian Wells as you could want as there are many scenes where she is either topless or having sex. Or both! Oh, and who could forget her scene as the shy schoolgirl who needs a spanking? I know I can’t. Neither will you. “Skin Crawl” is a pretty decent B-movie. I enjoyed it. But as a horror movie, it’s slightly lacking. The horror elements don’t manifest themselves until an hour has gone by. “Skin Crawl” plays like an episode of “Tales from the Crypt”. People get their comeuppance from an undead Debbie. Unfortunately, zombie Debbie doesn’t show up until most of the movie has gone by. When she finally does make her appearance, she tears through her wicked killers with great speed. The good news is that Debbie spills a lot of guts on her road to revenge. The guilty will pay dearly for messing with Debbie. “Skin Crawl” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 scheming Wells

Shocking. Show...Julian...the...MONEY!

"Satan's Little Helper" review

Satan's Little Helper (2004)

Director: Jeff Lieberman
Writer: Jeff Lieberman

Alexander Brickel ... Douglas "Dougie" Whooly
Katheryn Winnick ... Jenna Whooly
Stephen Graham ... Alex Martin
Amanda Plummer ... Merrill Whooly
Wass Stevens ... Dean Whooly
Dan Ziskie ... Vernon Martin
Melisa McGregor ... Nicole

My brother was visiting me in L.A. a couple of weeks ago and we decided to watch one last B-movie before sending him home. We had started the weekend off with a viewing of “Supercroc” and almost had a heart attack watching it. Actually, my brother was so drunk that he barely remembers it. When I reminded him that he actually had seen the movie he said, “Oh yeah! The crayon alligator!” Ahh memories. Can’t beat them.

So my brother, a friend and I got ready to bounce back with another movie. I had two movies sitting on my DVD pile and it was time to give one of them a spin. I told them it was down to “Undead”, an Australian zombie movie, or “Satan’s Little Helper”. They asked, “Which one do you want to see?” I said I felt like watching a zombie movie. They both replied in unison, “Let’s see “Satan’s Little Helper”.” Good to see that they trust my B-movie judgment.

“Satan’s Little Helper” is about a masked psycho killer and the boy who worships him. The kid is obsessed with a video game called Satan’s Little Helper and gets ecstatic when he actually meets Satan. Actually, “Satan” is just a guy in a Halloween mask who keeps nodding his head when the kid asks him questions. Soon the little helper will guide “Satan” through town so he can help him kill as many people as possible. The kid’s voluptuous sister plays along with “Satan” too as she believes it’s really her boyfriend playing kinky mind games. Masked men get to have all of the fun.

“Satan’s Little Helper” is an interesting flick. Black comedy would be a good description of it. The little helper believes that all of the violence he sees is not real because…why does he believe it? It’s hard to fathom that this kid could be so stupid. One scene has the little helper cheering as “Satan” takes a grocery cart and runs over a lot of different people for “points”. “Satan’s Little Helper” is either making fun of video game’s influence on young minds or it’s reveling in it.

Don’t trust men who hide behind masks. This is the moral of “Satan’s Little Helper”. Just the fact that I could believe that a horror flick has a moral to it shows you how ambitious this movie is. It’s trying to touch a couple of different nerves. One scene has the guy dropping the Satan mask so he can put on a “Jesus” outfit. When the sister finds out about it she says, “So Jesus is Satan?” Then we get to see a few scenes of “Jesus” behaving badly. Evil has many fake faces. They never run out of facades.

While my brother rolled his eyes and shouted, “Wow!” a few times, I enjoyed “Satan’s Little Helper”. It’s a unique B-flick. I can’t recall seeing a movie quite like it. It also delivers on some gore scenes as “Satan” starts slicing and dicing for the kid’s amusement. I was slightly disappointed that the idiot kid’s sister did not take the time to ditch her Halloween costume. “Satan” couldn’t keep his hands off of her. Who could blame him? But overall, “Satan’s Little Helper” is a cool little movie. It’s worth a look.



SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 little helpers

"Supercroc" review

Supercroc (2007)

Director: Scott Harper
Writer: Steve Bevilacqua

Kim Little... Dr. Leah Perrot
Cynthia Rose Hall... Pvt. Celia Perez
Matthew Blashaw... Capt. Lynch
David Novak... General McFadden
Shaley Scott... Sgt. Julie Davenport
Noel Thurman... Reynolds
Michael Tower... McCoy

So my brother came out to L.A. the other week to have some West Coast fun. He couldn’t wait to get the party started. He was so impatient that by the time I picked him up from the airport he had already had four Jack and Cokes. This was a man who was serious about unwinding. He wasn’t going to wait for L.A. He had to get completely smashed as soon as possible. He was raging down the express lane to oblivion and that train was not stopping for anyone.

Before he came out, we had planned a little West Coast itinerary. His friend was going to take him to a few parties. There was going to be some drinking. We decided to hit the Renaissance fair for some turkey legs and some more drinking. We could shoot some pool and maybe catch a movie or two. If there was time, we’d drink a little more. And for the cherry on top, I proposed that we start the extended weekend off with a viewing of “Supercroc”. I had seen the back of the video box and it sold me immediately. I told my brother of the giant crocodile jumping out of the water and attacking a helicopter. We were both believers at that point. This Supercroc had to be seen.

So after a full day of brotherly drunken debauchery, we settled into a nice apartment and watched “Supercroc”. At this point, my brother was chugging shots of Jameson’s whiskey like it was apple juice. He had to keep pumping fuel into the drunkard express or else it would derail. Nobody wanted that. But I’m afraid it was “Supercroc” that paid the price for his inebriated state as there was much yelling at the screen because of its super awfulness.

I am vaguely offended by “Supercroc”. Even though I caught one sentence out of every five, (thanks to my bellowing brother), I still caught enough to know that this movie is terrible. The standard pack of B-movie soldiers are wandering around looking for a Supercroc. The beast rears its cheap head and proceeds to do some cheap damage. It escapes and attacks a cut-rate facsimile of L.A. While all of this nothingness is going on, the usual inept government types are arguing in a broom closet about what to do about the Supercroc. Nothing good comes out of their banal crocodile discussions.

Come to think of it, nothing good comes out of watching this movie. “Supercroc” is a complete dud. Even the scene where the Supercroc attacks the helicopter couldn’t push the entertainment meter pass one. There is no blood shown during any of the super attacks nor are any of the super attacks worth watching. Unless you have a drunken brother sitting next to you providing loud color commentary, your evening will be wasted on “Supercroc”.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 drunks heckling supercrocs

"Pervert!" review

Pervert! (2005)

Director: Jonathan Yudis
Writer: Mike Davis

Mary Carey ... Cheryl
Sean Andrews ... James
Darrell Sandeen ... Hezekiah
Juliette Clarke ... Patty
Sally Jean ... Alisha
Jonathan Yudis ... Mechanic
Tula ... Hitchhiker
Candice Hussain ... Marissa

“Pervert!” tells the tale of a boy and his wandering schlong. He comes home for the summer to find his dad has shacked up with presidential porn star Mary Carey. She can’t resist his young, geeky ways and proceeds to jump his bones. Known fact: Women can’t resist geeks, especially porn star women. They’re putty in our hands. Tragedy strikes their relationship as she turns up missing after running afoul of dear old dad. From there the movie gets wacky as a hex comes back to haunt the geeky stud and has disastrous consequences for his budding love life.

“Pervert!” is one of those movies you’ll know whether you’ll like it or not in the first five minutes. It goes for low brow comedy and lots of topless women. That’s a winning combination in my book. It’s a movie dedicated to the spirit of Russ Meyer with plenty of buxom women and stupid men running wild in the desert.

You’ve got to hand it to Mary Carey. She might not be able to act to save her life but at least she looks like she’s having a good time. She gets topless through most of her scenes and I approved of every one of them. When she leaves the movie, other large breasted women roll in to take her place but Carey still reigns supreme over all of them.

So because the movie couldn’t just be about a geek having sex with Mary Carey, (but why not?!), they decide to throw in some black magic curse.

*SPOILER ALERT*

In order to get women to go crazy for him, our goober hero went to a witch doctor to get a stud spell cast on him. The side effect of his love potion is that his penis wants revenge against all of the women he’s done the no-pants dance with. Yes, his penis is detachable and very angry. When I saw the claymation penis attacking the woman in the bathtub, I can honestly say I was surprised by this perverted turn of events.

*END SPOILER*

“Pervert!” has some funny scenes and plenty of topless women. I laughed a couple of times. If you’re in the mood for a goofy, bloody love letter to Russ Meyer, “Pervert!” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 corn loving Careys

"The Grand Horror" review

The Grand Horror (2007)

Directed by: MaT

Writing Credits: MaT

Starring: A bunch of University of Nebraska students

I was sent this DVD screener. It makes me feel important when I get sent movies. This one was actually sent through MySpace which is a first for me. But does it influence the review when you get the movie for free? In my case, I don’t think so. I’ve bashed movies guys have sent me. They’ve even included letters with the movies explaining some of the shortcomings and asking for a fair, (merciful), review. My thought there is, don’t send the movie if you can’t handle criticism. I’m not seduced by a free movie. Of course I’ve never heard from most of those guys again. Maybe we’re all better off that way.

You might think I’m building up to a bashing of “The Grand Horror”. But believe it or not, it wasn’t that bad. Repetitive and a little bit monotonous but I’ve seen worse. A bunch of University of Nebraska students got together over a couple of weekends and made their zombie flick. Apparently they got a deal to film in the coolest movie theater in Nebraska so they jumped at it. I’ve never been to Nebraska so I’ll take their word on the coolness of the Grand Theater.

So a bunch of friends are running from zombies and end up in the coolest theater in Nebraska. They spend the rest of the movie wandering the theater in search of food, booze and places to hide from zombies. But there is an early warning system associated with the zombies which can alert would-be victims to their presence. Whenever the zombie is about to strike, plastic drop cloth is laid on the floor. The zombie is a neat freak who doesn’t like to spray blood and guts everywhere. It helps him wrap up his dinner at the end anyway.

I think the best thing you can say about “The Grand Horror” is that it shows promise. It follows the B-movie playbook by placing all the action in one setting so the monsters don’t have to travel too far to kill the cast. It also has a lot of scenes with guys with flashlights checking out the same hallway over and over. Nothing says filler like guys stumbling around with flashlights. But for what it was, “The Grand Horror” was a decent exercise in zombie horror.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Nebraska zombies

"American Nightmare" review

American Nightmare (2002)

Director: Jon Keeyes
Writer: Jon Keeyes

Debbie Rochon ... Jane Toppan
Brandy Little ... Jessie McClain
Johnny Sneed ... Wayne Holcomb
Heather Haase ... Melanie Ryan
Rebecca Stacey ... Misty McClain
Brinke Stevens ... Lisa

A bunch of friends are hanging out on Halloween. Some weirdo on the radio wants to know all about their darkest fears. They decide to call him up and tell him what scares them. The usual movie-related fears roll out: Being buried alive, attacked in the shower, voodoo curses, etc. These people are students of horror movies even though they’ve been scarred for life from them. Someone else has been paying close attention to their list of horrors. She has been waiting for this day so she can shove the things that terrorize them down their throats. A dark haired killer named Jane is stalking them one by one and won’t stop until they’ve all suffered.

“American Nightmare” showcases Debbie Rochon at her best. She’s Crazy Jane stalking her prey so she can scare them to death with their deepest fears. Her dark haired, seductive look is perfect in this one. One guy is afraid of dying during sex. Thank God Crazy Jane is here to help him meet his maker. She doesn’t have time for sex when there are so many more deserving cretins that need to die. But Debbie does give us a topless scene so all is not lost.

What’s interesting about “American Nightmare” is how it shows us what Debbie Rochon is capable of. This is probably the best Debbie Rochon flick I’ve seen yet and I’ve seen a lot of Debbie in my day. “American Nightmare” gives her an interesting character to work with and lets her use her sex appeal to great effect as the seductive Jane.

But what it really shows us is that Rochon needs to stop wasting time taking a cameo in every low budget movie that comes along and try to find more flicks like this one. I can think of two LANDFILLS off the top of my head that she didn’t need to be in. Two disasters named “Bog Creatures” and “Corpses are Forever” that stunk so badly that even Debbie couldn’t save it. Its movies like those that start to wear down the goodwill that is generated by seeing her name on a video box. But it’s a cool horror flick like “American Nightmare” that makes seeing her name a thrill.

Of course, “American Nightmare” is not a perfect movie but for a low budget B-flick it’s pretty good. It moved right along and didn’t get tied down on any unnecessary filler scenes. One thing that is lacking is the amount of blood and gore. There is barely any blood in this one and certainly no gore to speak of. A lot of the killings happen off screen which was disappointing. But Crazy Debbie was a sight to see and kept the movie humming along with her psychotic need for Halloween homicides. “American Nightmare” is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 crazy Debbies