"Invasion of the Bee Girls" review

Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Directed by Denis Sanders
Writing credits Nicholas Meyer Sylvia Schneble

William Smith.... Agent Neil Agar
Anitra Ford.... Dr. Susan Harris
Victoria Vetri.... Julie Zorn
Cliff Osmond.... Capt. Jim Peters

The people of this movie are not bright. You'd think they would notice the women who wear giant sunglasses day and night as something out of the ordinary. Where did these glasses come from? Not once does anyone mention how odd it seems that all the female scientists and the male scientists wives are wearing gigantic sunglasses. This was the clue people! "They'll love the very life out of your body!!"

So the Bee Girls don't really invade since they are already there. They get transformed into Stepford Bee girls. Only this time not to be subservient to their men but to mate and mate until you croak. It sounds a lot better than it is. Ok, so it had naked breasts. There was a brief kiss between the bee babes. (Nice.). But overall it was pretty ho-hum. Also, the lighting was terrible! Many a good breast shot was ruined by placing the action in pitch dark. Lights! Dang it! We're missing the best part!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Stepford Bee babes

"Violence Jack: Evil Town" review

Violence Jack: Evil Town (1986)
AKA Violence Jack bangaihen: Harlem bomber hen

Directed by Ichirô Itano
Writing credits Shô Aikawa Gô Nagai

Minako Arakawa .... Ricky (voice)
Issei Futamata .... Joker (voice)
Steve Hooper .... Mad Status (voice: English version)
Jane Howard .... Aila (voice: English version)
Bob Johnson .... Kurata (voice: English version)
Kiyoshi Kobayashi .... Jack (voice)

I'm not a big fan of anime but when I saw this video, I couldn't resist. "Violence Jack" just looked cool. I'm glad I did pick it up because it is an insanely violent tale of Violence Jack and his battles with underground scum.

An earthquake has leveled Tokyo. Now there are three sections: Sections A, B, and C. Violence Jack gets dug out from the rubble. He is a giant. He decides to side with the all girl Section C. Before too long, Section B goes hog wild and attacks the other two sections. Violence Jack gets involved.

I loved this video. The "Violence" in the title wasn't lying. Violence Jack lives for carnage. The blood was gushing and the heads were rolling. He has a great fight with the head of Section B who is also a giant. There is a mass rape scene too. A little weird for me to see cartoons curse, rape and bleed gallons of blood. Maybe I should rethink my attitude towards anime. They could be on to something.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 extremely violent Jacks

"Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me" review

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)

Directed by David Lynch
Writing credits Mark Frost David Lynch

Sheryl Lee .... Laura Palmer
Ray Wise .... Leland Palmer
Mädchen Amick .... Shelly Johnson
Dana Ashbrook .... Bobby Briggs
Phoebe Augustine .... Ronette Pulaski
David Bowie .... Phillip Jeffries
Heather Graham .... Annie Blackburn
Chris Isaak .... Special Agent Chester Desmond
Moira Kelly .... Donna Hayward
Peggy Lipton .... Norma Jennings
David Lynch .... Gordon Cole
Kyle MacLachlan.... Special Agent Dale Cooper


First off, I loved the TV show. It had its own cool, weird vibe going on. This movie just has one surreal scene after another that gave off a splitting headache. I knew I was in trouble right from the start when they brought in that squinting women at the airstrip and Chris Isaak was interpreting her dance. Oh no. It drove off a cliff and exploded.

Special agent Cooper was my favorite from the show. I know this was a prequel but I still needed more Cooper. That was a disappointment but understandable. The main problem is that even though the show dipped into weirdness, it usually didn't jump headfirst into complete abstraction. It kept one foot in reality or at least a toe. This movie veers like a madman.

And it was just ugly. Usually I enjoy massive amounts of female nudity but I started to feel bad for Sheryl Lee. She seemed like she was really getting the boot to her. It was also hard to enjoy her nakedness when everything around her was an abstraction of an abstraction.

While the show was cool and understated, the movie was explicit and ugly. The R rating didn't help it. Neither did its many surreal scenes. It was too much.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Laura Palmers

"Contraband" review

Contraband (1980)
AKA Luca il contrabbandiere

Directed by Lucio Fulci
Writing credits Gianni De Chiara Lucio Fulci

Fabio Testi.... Luca Di Angelo
Ivana Monti.... Adele Di Angelo
Guido Alberti.... Don Morrone

I had wanted to see this one for some time. Fulci. Mafia. Gore. The pieces were there. I've enjoyed most of Fulci's horror flicks so I thought I would give this one a try.

Gangsters are feuding in Naples. The main character Luca goes to war against a rival Mafia gang. Luca is a gentle sort who only wants to smuggle cigarettes. The new gang wants to use Luca to smuggle drugs. They reach an impasse in the negotiations. Soon they will settle their differences with an obscene amount of bullets. Mangled corpses start piling up.

As a Mafia movie, it was OK. It takes about 20-25 minutes to get to the action. Soon gangsters are causing each other pain. This is where Fulci shines. "Contraband" gives him the chance to go for some serious bullet gore. Blood is spraying. There is one effect where a guy gets shot in the stomach with a shotgun and his belly opens up like a giant red piñata. It's his birthday! There were plenty of other nasty bullet shots too. Fulci also delivers three or four disfigured corpses. Oh, and two torture scenes, one involving a Bunsen burner and lots of seared flesh. What I'm saying is, "Contraband" has its points. There is enough gore here to make it interesting. I can't say I was on the edge of my seat with suspense, but I did enjoy the Mafia blood and guts.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Mafia guts

"Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary" review

Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary (1975)

Directed by Juan López Moctezuma
Writing credits Malcolm Marmorstein

Cristina Ferrare.... Mary
David Young.... Ben Ryder
John Carradine.... Mary's Father

Another $3 special from Blockbuster. Another faux vampire movie. Mary, (Cristina Ferrare), is an artist living in Mexico. People around her start showing up with all of the blood drained from their bodies. Is Mary a vampire? Why must all of her lovers die? Why must the vampire legend be destroyed again?

Yes, this is another one of those B-movies that makes vampirism a disease. So Mary needs blood and she gets it from whoever crosses paths with her. Hat pins and kitchen knifes are her favorite blood transfusion devices. A mysterious guy in a black outfit chases her around Mexico. Could it be her long lost father trying to do her in? Let's just say John Carradine is credited as "Mary's Father". A fake vampire showdown is on the way.

I don't like movies that mess with the monster legends. Whenever vampires are walking around in broad daylight, the movie is heading for a disaster. This movie is as lame as you would expect. The only thing positive I can say about it is that Ferrare is hot. She gets topless and has a bath scene with another woman. Other than that, there's not much going on here. No coffins, crucifixes, or vampires. Just a really bloodthirsty woman named Mary. Blah, Blah, Bloody Blah.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 bloody marys

"Vampiyaz" review

Vampiyaz (2004)

Directed by Z. Winston Brown
Writing credits Z. Winston Brown

Richard Carroll Jr..... Jakeem
Malik Burke.... Khalil
Debbie Rochon.... Cheryl
Krystal Hill.... Vampeisha
A.J. Khan.... Vampyros (as Anju McIntyre)

Gangsta vampires. Vampiyaz. Amulets. Gangstas cursing and shooting at each other. Incompetent filmmaking. That's what "Vampiyaz" is all about. It's a pretty cruddy B-movie that has two elements that stand out: Velociraptor Vampires and a Levitating Wheelchair.

The vampires in this movie don't like to sneak up on people. Whenever they decide to attack, they howl like a Velociraptor from "Jurassic Park". Nothing says B-movie like a dino vamp attack.

There was one scene at the end which gave me a huge laugh.

*SPOILER ALERT*

One of the heroines has a bomb strapped to her wheelchair. The main hero is trying to diffuse it. She's nagging him to death while he goes to work. Finally, she lets her secret out. She knows it was him who ran her over and subsequently put her in a wheelchair. The hero looks at her dumbfounded and the bomb goes off. This bomb scene was hilarious. A puff of smoke goes off and her wheelchair goes straight up and levitates. It is the cheapest, most cut-rate explosion scene I have ever seen but it gave me a laughing fit. I rewound that scene about three times. Thank God I found something good in "Vampiyaz".

SCORE: 1 out of 4 for wheelchair comedy

"The Night Porter" review

The Night Porter (1974)
AKA Portiere di notte, Il

Directed by Liliana Cavani
Writing credits Barbara Alberti Liliana Cavani

Dirk Bogarde.... Maximilian Theo Aldorfer
Charlotte Rampling.... Lucia Atherton
Philippe Leroy.... Klaus

Max and Lucia embrace their fate. They didn't meet under the most ideal circumstances. Best not to let the Holocaust get in the way of a good S/M relationship. They are in love. No one will stand in their way. Not the police nor the former SS officers who want to "file" Lucia away with the rest of their past. Max was in some sort of self help group for former Nazi's. Having a cathartic confession wasn't going to work for him. He needed to hang on to his past and Lucia was part of it.

I guess you could look at the movie two ways. One, as sort of classy exploitation. It's not too brutal but anything with Nazi decadence gives off a sleazy vibe. Two, as a story of obsession between former lovers who won't let go. Either scenario worked for me. Both actors were quite good at conveying obsession over each other. They were happy again although they knew it wasn't going to last. Besides, there are a ton of movies about old lovers finding each other again. This one just happened to be a little extreme. I liked it.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 because they're reunited and it feels so good!!

"Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell" review

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001)

Directed by Chris Angel
Writing credits Peter Atkins Alex Wright

John Novak.... The Djinn
A.J. Cook.... Diana Collins
Tobias Mehler.... Greg Janson/St. Michael the Archangel
Jason Connery.... Professor Joel Barash

I saw this the other day with a friend of mine. He HATED it. Despised it. There was just something about the Wishmaster that rubbed him the wrong way. I think he may have been too goofy for him. The ending was pretty weak too. I didn't think "Wishmaster 3" was that bad. But I was shouted down with "WOW! That movie sucked! I wish it away!" I had to protect the movie before it was thrown against the wall.

The Wishmaster is released from his prison and goes about being all the demon he can be. He prowls around a college campus looking for the girl who let him out. If he can grant her wishes, the world will be destroyed. Of course it will.

The Wishmaster doesn't play fair with his wishes. No matter what you wish for, you will pay dearly. Even the most innocuous wish will result in an extremely painful death. You can wish for a cute puppy and a little dog will spring out of nowhere and lunge for your throat. But he's so cute! Even if the Wishmaster doesn't ask for a wish and you're just standing around mumbling to yourself, "I wish I had some more money", a gold bar will land on your skull. Didn't see that coming did ya?!

Maybe the movie is trying to say we should stop wishing our lives away. We daydream of a better life and the Wishmaster gives us a fatal reality check. I kind of liked the Wishmaster and his unfair Death Wishes. It worked for me.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Wishmasters

"Suicide Club" review

Suicide Club (2002)
AKA Jisatsu saakuru

Directed by Sion Sono
Writing credits Sion Sono

Ryo Ishibashi.... Detective Kuroda
Akaji Maro.... Detective Murata
Masatoshi Nagase.... Detective Shibusawa
Saya Hagiwara.... Mitsuko
Hideo Sako.... Detective Hagitani

Something got very lost in translation. "Suicide Club" feels like it was made exclusively for its home audience. Speaking as an American, I am not really sure what in the heck is going on in this movie. Maybe it's better that way. The only thing that has stuck with me is that hypnotic song by the Junior Japanese Spice Girls. "Mail me! Of all my friends, hello from you is the best...Mail me!" Now I understand why the teens killed themselves. This song will drive you mad.

So people start killing themselves. Why they do this is unknown. Some cops get put on the case but it's all to no avail. No one could understand this jumbled movie if they tried. There is a teen pop band that may be causing havoc. Or maybe it's the bleached blonde rock star sending his followers secret messages to end it all. Or possibly it has something to do with a white suitcase full of skin rolls. All of these are possibilities. What the true reason is for the mass suicides will forever be a mystery in the minds of the filmmakers.

Maybe there is more than a cultural gap at work here. Perhaps the Japanese are experiencing a generation gap of massive proportions. The adults in "Suicide Club" are mystified by the teenagers. They don't understand their music, their websites or their dang Suicide Clubs. I'm with them. I don't get it either.

One last thought, one of the main reasons I rented "Suicide Club" was to see the opening scene where 54 schoolgirls jump in front of a moving train. This scene held promise. It could have set a new standard in gore. Alas, it was not to be. A few blood sprays here and there but nothing to get too shocked over. I was disappointed. *Sigh* Oh well. At least I've got that great song bouncing through my brain..."Mail me! If I don't hear from you soon, I'll die!" AAAAAAHHHH!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 schoolgirl splatter

"Talk Radio" review

Talk Radio (1988)

Directed by Oliver Stone
Writing credits Stephen Singular Eric Bogosian

Eric Bogosian.... Barry
Ellen Greene.... Ellen
Leslie Hope.... Laura
John C. McGinley .... Stu
Alec Baldwin .... Dan

Barry Champlain, (Eric Bogosian), hosts a late night radio talk show. He talks about how he "despises each and every one of you." He berates anyone who calls him. Even fans get put through the wringer. He is very good at pushing people's buttons. He's so good that a big corporation wants to pick up his show for national syndication. He may be a little too good as he is also inflaming most of his deranged fans to the point of death threats.

"Talk Radio" is a great movie. The tagline for the movie is "The last neighborhood in America". That claim may have been superseded by message boards on the internet. Of course, the principle is still the same: Anonymous people yell at each other over some random topic. Nothing ever gets solved. The "talk" is the entertainment. How effectively you can upset your opponent is how you win the game. Champlain is the master.

Bogosian is the movie. We watch him launch tirade after tirade against his listening audience. It's hilarious. His stress management consists of him having a cathartic experience every night. He still ends up hating everybody. And himself.

See this movie.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 Barry Champlains

"Gothika" review

Gothika (2003)

Directed by Mathieu Kassovitz Thom Oliphant
Writing credits Sebastian Gutierrez

Halle Berry.... Miranda Grey
Robert Downey Jr..... Pete Graham
Charles S. Dutton.... Dr. Douglas Grey
John Carroll Lynch.... Sheriff Ryan
Bernard Hill.... Phil Parsons
Penélope Cruz.... Chloe Sava

Halle Berry gets thrown into the nuthouse. She claims she's seeing ghosts. She feels a Stir of Echoes and her Sixth Sense tells her to listen for the Ring. Halle cries a lot. Halle runs down corridors in a tight white t-shirt. Halle tries to escape. See Halle do a lot of things. "Gothika" is the Halle show.
First off, speaking as long time admirer of women's prison flicks, I was quite saddened at the lack of breasts in this movie. Halle Berry has two bathing scenes. One scene has her participating in a mass shower. How the filmmakers were able to screw up having no close-ups of naked breasts in a women's prison mass shower scene is something too shameful to contemplate. Another scene has her coming up from a bath and the camera zooms in on her neck and face. For shame. What a tease.

I was very worried at the beginning of the movie. I thought "Gothika" was heading down a path of destruction. Halle was crying way too much. Soon Halle puts on her "13 Ghosts" glasses and sees dead people. The mystery surrounding her ghost takes some sleazy turns which saves the movie.

Sure "Gothika" is a movie you've seen a few hundred times before. But this time it stars Halle Berry! If she excites you, I say go for it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Berrys behind bars

"Screaming Dead" review

Screaming Dead (2003)

Directed by Brett Piper
Writing credits Brett Piper

Erin Brown.... Bridget (as Misty Mundae)
Sylvianne Chebance.... Receptionist
C.J. DiMarsico
A.J. Khan.... Model in Opening Sequence
Rob Monkiewicz.... Sam Rogan

OK. Here's the deal. Listen close. Misty Mundae is a softcore porn star. She's not a particular favorite of mine but you've got to give her credit for her willingness to hop into bed with other women. That's right. Misty Mundae = Sex with women. Mundae is shorthand for girl/girl action. That's what she does. Everybody knows that. So who decided to have a scene where Misty is in bed with two other women and then let them not have sex?! NOOOOOOO! Why Lord Why???

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, if she's not getting it on with other women, there must be something else for her to do. That's where you're wrong. There's nothing else for Misty to do. Actually there's nothing for anyone to do. "Screaming Dead" is all build-up and no payoff. Misty Mundae is in bed with two women and there's no sex. Need I say more?

OK I will. Three models and a photographer head to an abandoned maniac's house. Sadist the friendly ghost is hanging around waiting for someone to turn him on. The photographer likes to take S&M pictures of girls. For some reason, there is a muscle-bound goon hanging around the photo shoot. He wears a bright green shirt that actually glows greener when he's angry. He's the Incredible Bulk. Bulk smash! Will he protect the girls from the kinky photographer and the ghostly sadist? You'll have to watch the movie to find out although I wouldn't recommend it.

No Mundae sex for you! Bad B-movie fan!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Mundaes, Bloody Mundaes

"Dracula II: Ascension" review

Dracula II: Ascension (2003)

Directed by Patrick Lussier
Writing credits Joel Soisson Patrick Lussier

Jennifer Kroll.... Twins of Evil
Jason Scott Lee.... Father Uffizi
Craig Sheffer.... Lowell
Diane Neal.... Elizabeth Blaine

Dracula goes to med school. A bunch of college goofballs run across a corpse which may be a vampire. So of course the most logical thing to do is to sell it to the highest bidder. But being junior league scientists, they want to run some diagnostics on him. Eventually they discover he IS a vampire. Good thing too since the movie is called "Dracula II". I'd have felt ripped-off if he wasn't. Then the movie pauses for 40 minutes or so as Dracula studies for his doctorate at Vampire University. It picks up at the end with some cool bloodsucking fighting.

First of all, where do the filmmakers get the nerve to call this movie "Dracula II"? Let me point out the obvious by mentioning that there have been dozens of Dracula movies before this. "Dracula 56" sounds right. Why not just call it "Dracula 2003"? Then you could have a Dracula movie for every year. Also, I don't remember anybody in this movie actually calling the vampire Dracula.

Anyway, "Dracula II" (!!) putters along. It starts off on the right foot with a Blade-like priest doing his thing against some hot bloodsuckers. Then it pauses for a good portion as Dracula completes his medical degree in vampire hemoglobin. The movie finally comes to life in the last twenty minutes as the priest meets his immortal enemy. It had some good gore and some decent fights. I just wish Dracula had been more of a force of evil in this movie and less an undead specimen for science.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 medical schools for vampires

"Darkhunters" review

Darkhunters (2004)

Directed by Johannes Roberts
Writing credits Johannes Roberts

Dominique Pinon.... Charlie Jackson
Susan Paterno.... Carol Miller
Dan van Husen.... Jack
Jeff Fahey.... Mr. Barlow

Sometimes, souls get missed. Sometimes, we have to send intergalactic bounty hunters to search for them. Sometimes, we must send them on very dangerous missions. "Darkhunters" sends these men of action into the thick of battle to search for the movie. The mission was too perilous. The Darkhunter failed.

"Darkhunters" starts off with an interesting concept and then refuses to do anything with it. So souls get lost on the way to heaven. A hot chick is the only one who can identify them. An alien Darkhunter stops by to harass her. He speaks in an alien tongue but the filmmakers were kind enough to subtitle his gibberish. Then the movie drags on and on until it somehow mercifully ends.

There was an interesting movie here somewhere but the Darkhunter couldn't find it. Next time, leave it in the hands of the hot chick. They always know what to do.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 heavily armed hot chicks

"Deep Shock" review

Deep Shock (2003)

Directed by Phillip J. Roth
Writing credits Brian Mammett Jeff Rank

David Keith.... Capt. Andrew (Andy) Raines, USN
Simmone Mackinnon.... Dr. Anne Fletcher (as Simmone Jade Mackinnon)
Mark Sheppard.... Chomsky
Sean Whalen.... Arciero

It could have been so simple. You rent a flick called "Deep Shock" and expect giant eels to be attacking. Well, that's what I expected. Instead I got a hokey, moronic, painful waste of a movie. Who was in charge of quality control for this stink burger? Yuck-o. Shockingly terrible.

Giant glowing eels attack an underground station. The UN sends the usual plucky scientist to investigate. The eels looked like the dragon from "Never Ending Story". They did not look like eels. They shoot lightning bolts out of their heads! What? Wait...What? What is that about? These are super eels. How super you ask? The scientist creates a computer program to talk to the eels!! YES!! Instant messaging with eels! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

This movie is as lame brained as it gets. I was in agony watching it. The monsters turn out to be misunderstood eels and the humans are wretched for not trying to understand them and their eel ways. If there is one lesson I can impart on monster movie filmmakers, it is this: Monsters are there to be killed. They are the bad guys. They are not there to be petted like a puppy dog or otherwise sympathized with.

This movie was made for only one purpose: To show off their lame computer special effects. Over half the movie is spent having characters look at computer screens. Whoop-dee-doo. The eel flick needed lots of computer screen shots with diagrams of subs, stations and whatever else was in chaos.

Send this flick down into the eel trench. They might like it. All humans should avoid.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Time Served" review

Time Served (1999)

Directed by Glen Pitre
Writing credits Michael Melon Paul Pompian

Catherine Oxenberg.... Sarah McKinney
Jeff Fahey.... Patrick Berlington
Louise Fletcher.... Warden Mildred Reinecke
Bo Hopkins.... Mr. D

I bought this video for three bucks. Oxenberg takes the rap for the murder of her abusive husband. She ends up in a women's prison. Thankfully, this prison has a progressive work release program. If she would just agree to dance topless at a local bar, she may shave some time off. After a little abuse, she decides stripping is not such a bad idea. Eventually she takes the bus over to the nudie bar. The rest of the flick has a lot of strip club scenes as Oxenberg fights for her freedom. Yes, it's two movies in one. "Time Served" can't decide if it wants to be a women's prison flick or a stripper movie. In the end, the stripper movie prevails. Since all they really wanted was to show some naked breasts, keeping the action in the strip club made the most sense. While "Time Served" sounds like an exploitation fan's dream come true, the filmmaker's hearts really weren't into the abusive, violent side of the women's prison genre. But, as we all know, any movie with strip club scenes must be good on some level. Overall, it was a decent B-flick. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 stripping prisoners

"Glass Trap" review

Glass Trap (2005)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Writing credits Lisa Morton Brett Thompson

C. Thomas Howell.... Curtis
Stella Stevens.... Joan Highsmith
Siri Baruc.... Sharon
Peter Spellos.... Howard Brunel
Martin Kove.... Corrigan

A bunch of people end up in a big skyscraper with a lot of giant ants. It's a Glass Trap. The ants are highly radioactive. This makes them cranky. They decide to attack anything that moves. The Dept. of Agriculture attempts to solve the bug problem by whipping out some SWAT team action on them. Swat? Get it? Swat the bugs? Pretty clever eh? I didn't even know the Dept of Agriculture had armed personnel. They're so secret "even the president doesn't know about them". They will attempt to kill the infestation as the people inside try to hold on and escape.

"Glass Trap" is a bad title for a pretty entertaining B-movie. I had no idea what this movie was about until I read the back of the video box. Deciding whether to rent a B-movie shouldn't have taken that long. You should know whether you want to see the movie the second you hear the title. I would have named the flick "Giant Rampaging Ants". It has a good ring to it.

Anyway, I enjoyed "Glass Trap". Saying this movie is low budget is an understatement. Rubber ants, the size of a pug dog, charge after people and I was cheering. I'm glad this flick relied more on creature effects than CGI. It was fun watching the actors get pounced on by the rubber beasties. My favorite scene had a guy alone in an elevator getting into a wrestling match with the rubber ant. The ant sneaks up on him and pounces on his back. They're clever that way. The radioactivity made them more devious and stealth-like. How else to explain how a giant ant can sneak up on somebody in a tiny elevator?

If you like creature features and low budget wackiness, you'll get into "Glass Trap". Ants attack, women scream, and blood splatters. I had a good time.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 giant ants

"28 Days Later..." review

28 Days Later... (2002)

Directed by Danny Boyle
Writing credits Alex Garland

Cillian Murphy.... Jim
Toby Sedgwick.... Infected Priest
Naomie Harris.... Selena
Brendan Gleeson.... Frank
Christopher Eccleston.... Major Henry West

I was excited going into this movie. Zombies. British. British zombies. End of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a classic example of over hyped mania. This movie does not reinvent horror. Nor is it terrifying. Nor does it fit into any other adjective spit out by some overpaid blurb writer. This is what it is: Post apocalyptic survivors going from one desolate English town to another while they try to connect with each other. Scares are scarce.

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!"Remember that word. It's the theme of this movie. It's about connecting, dang it! How would you handle the world flipping upside down? What choices would you make to survive? Would you be able to make hard decisions at a moments notice? Like bashing the head in of some drooling, raging maniac? Not a hard choice at all for me. Of course I would. Gladly.

This is not a horror movie. It's a sci-fi thriller that's low on thrills. There are no zombies either. Like Umberto Lenzi's "Nightmare City", they are infected with some sort of virus, (The Rage Virus), and go about randomly attacking people. Unlike "Nightmare City", this movie is not fun at all. All the attacks are shot "Saving Pvt. Ryan" style. Very fast speed. Also, most of the attacks are in the dark so you'll have double trouble actually telling what in the heck is going on.

But the big problem is that the "zombies" are not attacking nearly enough. That might be because the "zombies" are not what this movie is about. It's about connecting, rebuilding, desolation, empty streets, nothingness, no future, dreary musings on life, etc. When you have a horror movie that is not about the horror, that's the first sign that something is rotten.

When the survivors run into the soldiers near the end, the movie picks up a bit. There is some infected action and suspense. But by the end I had had it with this world and was ready for them all to be infected. It would have made the movie livelier. The hype surrounding this movie definitely plays a part in my disliking this film. I don't know what difference it would have made if I had went in cold. My dad saw it with me and gave it a B. He knew nothing about the flick before sitting down to watch it. If you sit down to watch this healthy and hype free, you may think "28 Days Later" is fair. If you've read this review to this point, you're infected.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO's?!

"Midnight Mass" review

Midnight Mass (2003)

Directed by Tony Mandile
Writing credits Tony Mandile F. Paul Wilson

Julia Cornish.... Raven
Elizabeth Vance.... Dakota
Mariana Matthews.... 'Mickey' Edwards
Pamela Karp.... Gwen Waters

B-movie's must learn to accept their limitations. You know a B-movie is reaching for the stars when the back of the video box promises vampires taking over the world. My spider sense was screaming at me not to rent this one. Any low budget movie that promises world domination is setting you up for bitter disappointment. "Midnight Mass" is no exception.

So vampires have taken over the world - B-movie style. We get to see a bunch of TV broadcasts at the beginning of the flick which assures us that the bloodsuckers have bitten the world. Take their word on it. This all becomes meaningless when the movie focuses on a small town church. Seems the local chapter of the vampire army has taken over the church and the priest who was running it wants vengeance. He's aided by the only atheist in town and together they will try to make their part of the world vampire free.

You know the movie is in trouble right away when they kill the hot blonde within minutes and let the overweight, droopy girl live on to torment the audience with her overacting. Who was the genius who made this decision? So she goes to get the priest and tries to shake him out of his alcoholic stupor. "Joe! We need you!" There were at least five scenes in which either Father Joe or our heroine overacted to the heavens. Was this their stab at an Oscar? I was cringing. I know I'm being mean to the lead actress but this inane movie brought out my fangs and claws. It's the movie's fault.

There is only one scene worth seeing. It's a thirty second S&M sex scene which has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie.Speaking of the rest of the movie, it's a shining example of B-movie lameness. Too much overacting kills a decent vampire movie premise. There's not enough gore or action here to make up for Ms. Hammy Girl and her attempt to bring home the gold.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Personals II: CasualSex.com" review

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"Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation" review

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (2004)

Directed by Phil Tippett
Writing credits Edward Neumeier

Bill Brown.... Pvt. Ottis Brick (as Billy Brown)
Richard Burgi.... Captain V.J. Dax
Kelly Carlson.... Pvt. Charlie Soda
Cy Carter.... Pvt. Billie Otter

What did you like about the original "Starship Troopers"? Did you enjoy its sick sense of humor? How about those quick news flashes that asked you if you want to know more? Perhaps you enjoyed the satire of a futuristic fascist society? The best case scenario is that you liked "Starship Troopers" because a lot of outer space bugs got blown into little gooey pieces. If that last description fits you, rent "Starship Troopers 2" and rejoice.

This sequel proudly wears its B-movie stripes on its sleeve. I salute you soldier! "Starship Troopers 2" starts with bug action and ends with bug action. It follows the B-movie playbook to the letter. The space troopers find an abandoned outpost on bug world and hang out. This lets the producers save some dough by keeping the action in one location. Then they introduce a new bug which manifests itself from a topless blonde. Genius! Soon the new bug creatures must do battle with the troopers as horde upon horde of bug waits outside.

"Starship Troopers 2" has nothing on the first movie but it is a very enjoyable B-action flick. It gets particularly gory near the end. Two words: Microwaved head. That's what I like to see. I had a good time.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for B-movie bug warfare

"Fangs" review

Fangs (2001)

Directed by Kelly Sandefur
Writing credits Jim Geoghan

Corbin Bernsen.... Carl Hart
Tracy Nelson.... Ally Parks
Whip Hubley.... Dr. John Winslow
Katie Stuart.... Genny Winslow

Bats attack a housing community. Corbin Bernsen is the no nonsense developer who doesn't want to hear about any bat problems. So he pretends they don't exist. Too bad for him they do exist. Many fake looking bats attack.

"Fangs" is a typical example of what happens when you try to make the dreaded horror/comedy. Rarely does this mix of genres succeed. The horror gets diluted and the comedy is usually not funny. It's a lose/lose situation. "Fangs" had a lot of fake bats but bat attacks do not equal laughter. There was no joy watching "Fangs". Nor was I scared. It was lame.

If you want a good laugh, click on the writer's name on the link above, (Jim Geoghan). Something tells me the picture posted there is not the writer of this movie. Now that was funny. If it is him, he might want to use the cash from "Fangs" to get a haircut and a shower.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 fake bats