Thursday, December 14, 2006

"Apartment of Erotic Horror" review

Apartment of Erotic Horror (2006)

Directed by Kiki de la Crica

Darian Caine
Tatiana Stone (as Tatianna Stone)
Anette Durucz
Tara Ashleigh
Carmen Marie Vese

The first thing to do when contemplating renting the “Apartment of Erotic Horror” is to toss the word “Horror” in the trash. The second thing to do is to take the word “Erotic” and shove it down the garbage disposal. “Apartment” is the only word in the title that means anything as the entire movie revolves around one guy’s sleazy apartment and the naked models that are unlucky enough to be there.

When it comes to B-movies with outrageously sleazy titles, I am an out of control maniac. When I heard that Darian Caine was in a movie called “Apartment of Erotic Horror”, I knew that this was a film I had to see as soon as possible. That's right I said:God, I’m an idiot. Somebody stop me before I waste all my money on junk like this.

“Apartment of Erotic Horror” is about a guy who likes to take pictures of naked girls in his apartment. So far, so good. The movie is built on a solid B-movie foundation. Exploiting naked girls in a cheap apartment is what makes the sleaze movie world go round. Then they decide to throw in a monster that likes to attack the girls after we get tired of seeing them naked. The “monster” consists of a pair of black gloves that strangles the girls as white strobe lights flash and make you go blind.

But this movie is so cheap and terrible that it can’t afford to do anything more than that. The monster scenes are pathetic. They had to use a strobe light to disguise the cheap gloves which would have probably fallen off if there was a close-up of them. Most of the movie has no dialogue except for a voice-over from the main sleazebag. Darian Caine and Tatianna Stone say absolutely nothing. They probably couldn’t afford to pay them if there was any talking. Instead they use some horrible canned music over their sex scene. Where did they get this music? It sounds like something they lifted off of a 1960’s skin flick that played on 42nd street. Let’s just say there were a lot of saxophones and bongos. Let’s also just say that I was going insane listening to it.

So a bunch of girls show up at this guy’s pad, get naked, take some pictures and are then strangled by a monstrous pair of black gloves that only like to kill when disco lights are flashing. Most of the movie is taken up by the photographer taking pictures of naked girls. Who knew it could be so boring? That’s what happens when you drag each scene out for 15-20 minutes. The same poses, the same girls, zzzzzzz…

The only thing that saves this movie from the landfill it so richly deserves is the sex scene between Caine and Stone. That was pretty good. They start off posing for wrestling pictures. Then, of course, they end up in bed together. Tatianna has a nice body and Caine is good as usual. Their sex scene is the first scene in the movie. After watching it, I was filled with some hope that there might be some more erotic horror waiting for me. It turns out that it was just a trick to get me to believe there was something else worth watching.

Nail the eviction notice to the door and condemn this apartment of erotic horror to B-movie oblivion.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 apartments of sleazy horror

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