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Monday, September 15, 2008

"Starship Troopers 3: Marauder" review

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)

Director: Edward Neumeier
Writer: Edward Neumeier

Casper Van Dien ... Colonel Johnny Rico
Jolene Blalock ... Captain Lola Beck
Stephen Hogan ... Sky Marshall Omar Anoke
Boris Kodjoe ... Gen. Dix Hauser
Amanda Donohoe ... Admiral Enolo Phid
Marnette Patterson ... Holly Little
Danny Keogh ... Dr. Wiggs

At last, Casper Van Dien.Van Dien is back in a Sci-fi movie and all is right with the world. Van Dien can make any B-movie better. I feel a sense of balance with the universe. The Force is strong with Van Dien. The filmmakers let loose Van Dien to inflict some Van Damage on alien bugs and the viewer rejoices.

So the bugs are still waging war against the likes of Van Dien and friends. Haven't they learned anything? Colonel Van Dien is now running an outpost on some distant planet while the bugs attempt to breach the perimeter. A bunch of characters converge on the outpost just in time to watch the bugs overrun the defenses. Fortunately, Van Dien is here. It all leads to a cheap but satisfying battle against the aliens. Then the movie breaks off into a couple of different stories as Van Dien gets sidelined and Captain Babe takes over. She crash lands on a bug planet and tries to lead her crew to safety.
In many ways, "Starship Troopers 3" is an enjoyable B-flick. They tried to keep the satirical tone from the first movie but the filmmakers are just not as cynical as Verhoeven to make it work as well as he did. The "Do you want to know more?" news flashes pop up frequently. It may have been too much of a good thing because after the fourth pop-up I decided I didn't want to know more. But "Starship Troopers 3" is a step in the right direction for the franchise. It attempts to get back to what made the original movie so fun but it needed another $20 ($30?) million to get even close to the bug killing massacre that Verhoeven unleashed.

But you know what "Starship Troopers 3" really needed? More Van Dien! He was the cheesy heart and soul of the original "Starship Troopers". Watching Johnny Rico go wild against the bugs should have been the whole movie. Not that I have anything against super models blasting their way across a hostile alien terrain mind you.God knows I've praised more than my share of those kinds of movies. I'm looking at you Milla Jovovich! But "Starship Troopers" is Van Dien's show. He should have been by her side through her bug trials and tribulations. Instead she found religion and prayed for a hero, holding on for a hero 'til the end of the night. A hero whose gotta be strong and gotta be fast and gotta be fresh from the fight. Pray for Van Dien. He's the only one that can save us now.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Van Diens

4 comments:

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

all 3 starship trooper movies are terrific entertainment but there is one thing about them that gets on my nerves, why do they have to show everybody nude, i only want to see the birds nude not the bloody geezers, in the first film for instance denise richards and that other sexy bird should`ve been nude for the whole film and the geezers fully clothed, (especially in the scenes where they were fighting the giant bugs, that would`ve been awesome). When i watch a film i just want to see gorgeous beautiful nude birds interacting with the special effects, the geezers should always be fully clothed. Now obviously the main reason i think like this is because i am "THE SNEERING (HOMO-PHOBIC) SNOB", (and proud of it), however i think the vast majority of geezers in the world think the same way i do, (whether they are "sneering [homo-phobic] snobs" or not). Just think for a moment what a better and much more pleasant world it would be if in every film that was ever made all the birds were nude all the time and all the geezers fully clothed it would be perfection.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

You make a strong point. I hope that "Transformers 2" takes that line of thinking and has Megan Fox running around naked as Megatron tries to pound her into the dirt. But when I think "Starship Troopers", I'm thinking Casper Van Dien. Not that I need to see him naked mind you, but since he is unquestionably the greatest cheeseball actor of his generation, these movies need lots of Van Dien. In "Starship Troopers 4" I want to see Van Dien dive into a Brain Bugs guts, walk out of it's mouth while holding the bug's brain. And then have a naked Megan Fox waiting for him in the jacuzzi to celebrate his B- movie triumph.

Anonymous said...

OK, can I please get it the other way round: All girls fully dressed and all men naked!

Sorry, but go watch a porn... there everybody is nude!

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

True, we could watch a porno but then we'd have to see naked men. Unless you're referring to sapphic delights which sounds like a great idea. I've had this idea of Casper Van Dien in sort of a "Charlie's Angels" type movie as the girls do his every wish. "Casper's Angels" is a surefire B-movie classic in the making. It gives you the best of both worlds. All the Van Dien cheeseball acting you can handle and plenty of beautiful women. Someday, Casper will fly with his Angels. Dare we dream?