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Thursday, September 18, 2008

"DOA: Dead or Alive" review

DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)

Director: Corey Yuen
Writers: J.F. Lawton Adam Gross

Jaime Pressly ... Tina Armstrong
Devon Aoki ... Kasumi
Holly Valance ... Christie Allen
Sarah Carter ... Helena Douglas
Natassia Malthe ... Ayane
Kane Kosugi ... Ryu Hayabusa
Matthew Marsden ... Max
Eric Roberts ... Donovan

There's a mighty martial arts tournament where only the strongest and bravest are invited to attend. They will match wits against dangerous opponents from around the world. It will push their skills to the limit. But that's another movie. In "DOA", you have to do something asinine to get invited to their secret island fortress. Like, oh I don't know, beat up a room full of armed men while topless. But make sure to never show any skin because this is a PG-13 flick for Pete's sake. Oh, and you have to be a supermodel to get on the list or at least be related to one. Island fortresses are getting harder and harder to get into these days.

"DOA" is a ridiculous waste of time. I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised. You'll know in five minutes whether or not you're going to get into the movie. A ninja princess, (Devon Aoki), decides to leave home so she can join the super babe tournament. She jumps over the wall and flies away. She just happened to have a hang glider attached to her back so she could make her smooth getaway. When the folks at DOA headquarters see this ridiculous stunt, they know she belongs with them and lob their DOA throwing star at her. That's how you know you've done something absurd enough to impress the gatekeepers at Babe Island.

Once they round up the fighters, the movie moves into mortal combat mode as one fight scene rolls into another. The evil mastermind wants the wonder women for some nefarious purpose and the ninja princess wants her long lost brother back and ahh, who cares? What's important here is watching babes beat each other up. But since this toothless wonder is a kiddie friendly PG-13, you can rest easy knowing you won't see any breasts or blood for fear of upsetting any delicate 13 years olds.

But some mindless fighting is always fun to watch especially when it involves hot women in bikinis. There's also a very important scene as the women play a tough game of beach volleyball so that they can unwind from the stress of having to destroy each other.
Every martial arts movie needs to have a scene where Jaime Pressly and other assorted hotties jump around in slow motion. I think we can all agree on that. I can give "DOA" points for its abundance of T&A.

But I think the best word to describe "DOA" is mindless. It was made to be a time killer and it succeeded. It killed time with a vengeance. It used babes on roller blades, babes fighting in the rain, beach volleyball babes and other attacking supermodels to make sure your time is killed in the most aesthetically pleasing way possible.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for super babe power

America the beautiful.

Oh beautiful, for spacious skies

For purple mountain majesties

3 comments:

Ghidorah said...

> "DOA" is a ridiculous waste of time.

I do not agree!
Watching babes in bikini fighting each others is never a waste of time, even when the bikini stay on.

But I have to agree about the "ridiculous" part...

--
Ghidorah

Greg B. said...

I agree. Watching Jaime Pressley half nude and kicking ass sound like a helluva time! Great review as always.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

Certainly "DOA" has its points. But you need to be in a brain dead mood to get into this one. You would need at least three beers in you before you could start believing you weren't wasting precious hours of your life watching this half naked romp to nowhere. I'm all for babes in B-movies but expect a little more payoff when I throw one of these flicks in the DVD player.