"Starship Troopers 3: Marauder" review

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)

Director: Edward Neumeier
Writer: Edward Neumeier

Casper Van Dien ... Colonel Johnny Rico
Jolene Blalock ... Captain Lola Beck
Stephen Hogan ... Sky Marshall Omar Anoke
Boris Kodjoe ... Gen. Dix Hauser
Amanda Donohoe ... Admiral Enolo Phid
Marnette Patterson ... Holly Little
Danny Keogh ... Dr. Wiggs

At last, Casper Van Dien.Van Dien is back in a Sci-fi movie and all is right with the world. Van Dien can make any B-movie better. I feel a sense of balance with the universe. The Force is strong with Van Dien. The filmmakers let loose Van Dien to inflict some Van Damage on alien bugs and the viewer rejoices.

So the bugs are still waging war against the likes of Van Dien and friends. Haven't they learned anything? Colonel Van Dien is now running an outpost on some distant planet while the bugs attempt to breach the perimeter. A bunch of characters converge on the outpost just in time to watch the bugs overrun the defenses. Fortunately, Van Dien is here. It all leads to a cheap but satisfying battle against the aliens. Then the movie breaks off into a couple of different stories as Van Dien gets sidelined and Captain Babe takes over. She crash lands on a bug planet and tries to lead her crew to safety.

In many ways, "Starship Troopers 3" is an enjoyable B-flick. They tried to keep the satirical tone from the first movie but the filmmakers are just not as cynical as Verhoeven to make it work as well as he did. The "Do you want to know more?" news flashes pop up frequently. It may have been too much of a good thing because after the fourth pop-up I decided I didn't want to know more. But "Starship Troopers 3" is a step in the right direction for the franchise. It attempts to get back to what made the original movie so fun but it needed another $20 ($30?) million to get even close to the bug killing massacre that Verhoeven unleashed.

But you know what "Starship Troopers 3" really needed? More Van Dien! He was the cheesy heart and soul of the original "Starship Troopers". Watching Johnny Rico go wild against the bugs should have been the whole movie. Not that I have anything against super models blasting their way across a hostile alien terrain mind you.God knows I've praised more than my share of those kinds of movies. I'm looking at you Milla Jovovich! But "Starship Troopers" is Van Dien's show. He should have been by her side through her bug trials and tribulations. Instead she found religion and prayed for a hero, holding on for a hero 'til the end of the night. A hero whose gotta be strong and gotta be fast and gotta be fresh from the fight. Pray for Van Dien. He's the only one that can save us now.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Van Diens

"Turistas" review

Turistas (2006)

Director: John Stockwell
Writer:Michael Ross

Josh Duhamel ... Alex
Melissa George ... Pru
Olivia Wilde ... Bea
Desmond Askew ... Finn
Beau Garrett ... Amy
Max Brown ... Liam
Agles Steib ... Kiko

A bunch of tourists are in Brazil to soak in the beautiful sights and sounds that the country has to offer. Their bus has a minor disaster which gives them the perfect excuse to ditch the group and see what trouble they can get into. They find a secluded beach which offers the usual tropical paradise cliches of drinking, dancing and fornicating. Tragedy befalls the group as certain devious individuals lust after their bodies and can't wait to harvest their organs. Their vacation hits a low point as they try to get away from a maniacal doctor and his crew of body part thieves.

I wish I could say that "Turistas" is a blatant rip-off of "Hostel" but that would be too insulting to "Hostel". Nor could I say "Turistas" is a rip-off of "Hostel II" as the gory sequel would also be offended. In fact, I couldn't even say that "Turistas" is a horror movie even though the poster clearly shows a scalpel descending on some doomed turista's head. But then what is "Turistas"? At best, it's a thriller with some eye candy running for their lives. At worst, it's the filmmakers travelogue on Brazil with some misguided attempts at horror thrown in. That way it at least gives the illusion that they were working while boozing it up on the beach. I suspect the filmmakers saw "Hostel" and wanted to capitalize on its success. Hmmm...

(Drunken Filmmaker): "I liked "Hostel" but I didn't really like the grungy Eastern European feel to it. Hey, I know, why not shoot it in Brazil? Yeah! We can have some Pina Coladas on the beach, film some babes in bikinis, jump off some waterfalls, it'll be a fantastic vacation! Say man, what's the Spanish word for Hostel? HAHAHAHA! What's that? They speak Portuguese there? Ahh, who cares? Round up the women! We're leaving for paradise! And maybe make the movie when the whiskey runs out."
I'm glad the filmmakers got to have some fun down in Brazil because my fun was lacking. As a horror movie, "Turistas" is a dud. There's nothing remotely scary going on here. The doctor's plan to start cutting up some turistas is known too early which drains all the tension from the movie. We know that these lunkheaded turistas are heading to their doom no matter what picturesque stop they make along the way. Once the turistas are stuck with the doctor, there is one gory scene of organ harvesting but the doctor blabs his way through it with his psychotically altruistic motives. A true monster doesn't need a reason to rip people's guts out. He would have done it just for fun.

But on the plus side, there were a lot of gratuitous shots of babes in bikinis. You have to like that. There were also a couple of topless scenes which I always appreciate. In many ways, I'm easy to please. But since I was expecting some semblance of a horror movie, "Turistas" failed to thrill me. It's an easy movie to sit through as you watch turistas drink and party up and down the beach. But partying turistas is just not enough reason to watch it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 drunk turistas

"Boarding Gate" review

Boarding Gate (2007)

Director: Olivier Assayas
Writer: Olivier Assayas

Asia Argento ... Sandra
Michael Madsen ... Miles Rennberg
Kelly Lin ... Sue Wang
Carl Ng ... Lester Wang
Kim Gordon ... Kay
Alex Descas ... Andrew

Asia Argento in black lingerie. That's all I knew about "Boarding Gate" before renting it. That's all any man needs to know. The cover of "Boarding Gate" has Argento in her underwear kneeling down while holding a gun. At least the filmmakers knew their most precious asset and exploited her for all she's worth. Too bad they had no interest in letting their beautiful lingerie wearing killer run wild in any sort of interesting or engaging thriller.

So Asia is having second thoughts about her S&M relationship with Michael Madsen. She loved him once but has grown tired of the leather belt and handcuff scene. They discuss their relationship in hushed tones while the audience slowly drifts off to sleep. But then the viewer is awakened suddenly when Argento strips down to reveal her black lingerie and starts to act the role of the dominatrix. This scene was going to be amazing. Alas, the good times were not to last long as the filmmakers needed to put a stop to all of the sleazy B-movie shenanigans as soon as possible. The second half of the movie takes Argento to Hong Kong where double crosses, deceitful people and Karaoke bars await her. Unfortunately with all of the convoluted plot going on she can't find time to strip down into her black lingerie again. Where are Asia's obsessed ex-lovers when you need them?

"Boarding Gate" has all of the raw ingredients of a typical thriller but cannot seem to give in to the genre. There are drug deals, Asia Argento topless, gun battles, and Asia Argento in black lingerie. These elements are all you need to make an entertaining film but "Boarding Gate" is just too pointless to make any of it exciting. It's almost as if it's slightly ashamed of itself for thinking these dirty thoughts. Just when "Boarding Gate" threatens to get interesting, something tedious happens and the movie comes crashing down to Earth.

Still, it did have Asia Argento in black lingerie. We have to keep the big picture in perspective here. Sure we've seen Argento strip down before but she does it so well. Too bad for us that the rest of the movie is not nearly as much fun as watching her strut around. If you linger on the cover of "Boarding Gate", you've already seen the best part of the movie.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Argento struts

"Heidi Fleiss: The Would-Be Madam of Crystal" review

Heidi Fleiss: The Would-Be Madam of Crystal (2008)

Directors: Fenton Bailey Randy Barbato

Anthony L. De Meo ... Himself
Heidi Fleiss ... Herself
Tom Slaughter ... Himself

Heidi Fleiss is stuck in the desert trying to peddle flesh. She moves to Pahrump, Nevada to be near the legal brothels. But no one will let Heidi sell sex. Why not? Maybe it's because she wants to open an all male brothel that caters only to women. Or perhaps it's because she never bothered to fill out the paperwork necessary to start the process of getting the stud farm up and running. Or maybe it's because she just can't get her head around that she's not in Hollywood anymore and that no one needs to deal with her out in the middle of nowhere. There's a lot of reasons why Heidi Fleiss is not selling men by the hour in the hot Nevada desert. But one thing is for certain about Heidi Fleiss, she'll always be interesting to watch because she is hardwired for disaster.

Heidi Fleiss is the epitome of a Hollywood woman. Delusional, full of herself and yet has a determination to succeed in spite of outrageous odds stacked against her. "Heidi Fleiss, The Would-Be Madam of Crystal" tries to document Heidi's journey toward being a Nevada madam. But her efforts keep getting derailed because she's Heidi Fleiss. Fleiss keeps moving forward as if things will just magically fall into place yet people in Pahrump are not eager to bring someone with as much baggage as Fleiss into their midst. They like to keep things low key while Fleiss is ready to turn up the volume. In fact, her would-be brothel isn't even located in Pahrump. She bought a bunch of land in Crystal and plans to build her stud farm there. Would women drive to the middle of a desert wasteland to get laid? Of course they would. You know why? Because Heidi Fleiss said they will. Don't let reality get in the way of Heidi Fleiss.

This documentary is fascinating. Fleiss moves at her own pace and is really not interested in what other people want or need. It's all about her. But Heidi Fleiss, despite her numerous flaws, doesn't come off as a bad person. She's a selfish narcissist for sure but is still fun to watch as she bumbles her way through life. Real life keeps beating her back but Fleiss keeps fighting.

Heidi happens to live next door to a former prostitute and starts taking an interest in her elderly neighbor's large collection of exotic birds. As she spends more and more time next door, she makes a deep connection with one bird.

She starts drifting away from stud farming to spend time with her bird. This is how things go with Fleiss. One minute, male hookers in the desert. The next, time to clean the bird cage.

Heidi's connection to the birds becomes the focal point for the rest of the documentary as her stud farming ways are put on hold for the foreseeable future. Fleiss actually starts to love something other than herself and it changes her profoundly. She tries to take care of the birds as best she can. Will her connection to birds translate into feelings for other people? The documentary ends with Fleiss still rudderless in the desert but with some hope that Heidi is a slightly better person for displaying some compassion for other living things.

But what about the stud farm? Will we ever see it? I wouldn't bet money on it. Although Fleiss must know that she could be in business tomorrow if she ran a female brothel, she is insistent on doing things her own way. Some people succeed in spite of themselves but I don't see hardheaded Fleiss becoming a Nevada flesh peddler anytime soon.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 would-be Nevada madams

"Pathfinder" review

Pathfinder (2007)

Director: Marcus Nispel
Writers: Laeta Kalogridis

Karl Urban ... Ghost
Moon Bloodgood ... Starfire
Russell Means ... Pathfinder
Clancy Brown ... Gunnar
Jay Tavare ... Blackwing
Nathaniel Arcand ... Wind In Tree
Ralf Moeller ... Ulfar

I saw this on cable the other day. Vikings land in the new world and proceed to slaughter the local population. They leave behind one boy who just wasn't Viking enough to walk among them. He had just turned eight and didn't want to behead anyone. This was the sign to toss him overboard. A Native American tribe takes pity on the reluctant killer and decides to raise him as one of their own. Years later the Vikings return to annihilate the tribe but find that their wayward Viking has grown into an efficient killing machine. The rest of the movie has the Vikings doing battle against their violently disobedient family member.

It's a sad day when I can't get into a Viking movie. I was really looking forward to this one. But the Pathfinder couldn't find his way to an exciting movie. Instead he got stuck in the mud of B-movie land. Monotonous slow motion fight scenes bogged him down in the muck. I didn't think watching behemoths battling each other with swords would get tiresome but the Pathfinder found a way to make violent combat tedious.

"Pathfinder" starts with a banal storyline of the rejected Viking and lumbers it's way down the path of Norse destruction. The movie plays out exactly as you think it would. An action movie being predictable wouldn't bother me if the action scenes were worth something. But the fight scenes in "Pathfinder" are all shot in a drab, grey tone and play out in slow motion. I don't think there was one fight scene set at normal speed. It drains the impact from the combat if everything is moving at half speed. It also detaches the viewer as it makes them aware that they're watching the director show off instead of just letting them enjoy the action.

On the plus side, there is still plenty of swordplay and a few severed heads scattered here and there.

As you know, one of the golden rules of cinema is that any movie with a severed head has to be good on some level. If you can catch "Pathfinder" on cable, it may be worth watching once. If you can't see it while channel surfing, you can let the Pathfinder go on his way.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 slow motion Viking slaughters

"Death Race" review

Death Race (2008)

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson
Writers:Paul W.S. Anderson

Jason Statham... Jensen Ames
Joan Allen... Hennessey
Ian McShane... Coach
Tyrese Gibson... Machine Gun Joe
Natalie Martinez... Case
Max Ryan... Pachenko

Jason Statham gets recruited against his will to join the Death Race. It's a wholesome sporting event where convicts race around a track and try to kill each other with various instruments of destruction attached to their cars. It's one of the world's most popular pay per view events. The evil warden intends to keep it that way. Her main driver was killed and she needs Statham to take his place. Statham gets framed for a crime he didn't commit, (of course), and becomes the legendary Frankenstein. If Frankenstein can win one more race, just one more Death Race, he'll be freed from prison. His fatherly need to see his child again propels him to do the right thing and kill a lot of people.

"Death Race" is based on the Roger Corman flick "Death Race 2000". Actually, I should really say loosely based. There is death, and there's a race but that's about where the similarities end. "Death Race 2000" went for laughs as drivers went cross country trying to run people down so that they could achieve a gory high score. It was trying to make a point, (in its own cheesy B-movie way), that we're all goons addicted to violence. They've got me there. "Death Race" doesn't waste time with making any points, criticism or doing anything that takes time away from mindless carnage.

So Statham hops in his car and proceeds to fly around the track while his competitors die horrible deaths. The warden has a couple of ploys to spice up the Death Race since watching convicts get wasted wasn't exciting enough. One, she decides her brutish drivers need a hot navigator to help guide them down the track. They bus the women in from the maximum security prison for wayward supermodels. Every time they get off the bus, time magically slows down so that we can get every bounce captured in slow motion. It's a ratings winner.

The warden also has a secret weapon that she has been building to really give the drivers a challenge.

*SPOILER AHEAD*

During the race she unleashes the Dreadnought, a super truck that was driven straight from the set of " The Road Warrior". The Dreadnought tears it's way through most of the drivers and heads straight at Statham to finish him off. The Dreadnought's appearance was the highlight of the movie. It was a fine B-movie moment.

*END SPOILER*

"Death Race" is a fun B-flick. It has nothing important to say about anything except that blasting fools on a prison race track is a hoot. I enjoyed watching Statham and superbabe run wild through their opponent's blood and guts. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 races of death

"The Cook" review

The Cook (2008)

Mark Hengst... The Cook
Makinna Ridgway... Amy
Kit Paquin... Bunny
Penny Drake... Anastasia
Nina Fehren... Brooke
Noelle Kenney... Autumn
Brooke Lenzi... Kristen
Justine Marino... Pam
Stefanie Solano... Michelle
Allen Yates... Lance

A new cook shows up to help the horny sorority girls make it through their weekend. He speaks no English because he's from Hungary. Get it? Hungary cook? HAHAHA! He decides the most nutritious meal for growing young women is bits and pieces of other sorority girls. This cook can turn a sloppy joe into a delectable cannibal feast. Why he's doing all of this is unknown. He's just the cook and that's what cooks with big knives do in horror movies. The girls obliviously go on with their insipid lives while the cook keeps hoping that someone turns up who might actually be scared of him.

Horror comedies can be tricky movies to pull off. It's especially tough when the movie you end up making is neither a horror movie nor a comedy. One of the first rules in comedy is to never laugh at your own joke. It makes the movie that much more irritating when you see characters laughing about something completely inane. The Hungary cook? Yeesh. They actually have the nerve to use that line twice. If someone would have smacked the character for even thinking that's funny, then I would have laughed. As it is, I started to lose interest in "The Cook" the minute the line was uttered. I knew the movie was going downhill fast.

Much like Tarantino's "Death Proof", (I hate comparing this movie to a Tarantino flick but it was the first thing that popped in my mind), the writers have no idea how to write for women. This must have been their fantasy on how sorority girls act with no men around.They curse and dream about sex and pretty much act exactly like guys would if they were sex starved lecherous drunks. They were a fairly annoying group to listen to but I can't totally fault the ladies as their strings were being pulled by their horny puppet-masters.

The only thing that saved "The Cook" from a 1 rating was the tall, red haired Amazon girl from "Zombie Strippers", (Penny Drake). Drake has her eye on the shy religious girl and proceeds to seduce her. This leads to the only two enjoyable scenes in the movie. The first one has Penny kissing the girl in the hall. The second scene has them starting on their tender love affair with some S&M sex. If the filmmakers had let them finish this scene, the movie would have been far better for it. Instead Penny had to go to the kitchen where the homicidal cook was and you can guess what happened next.

There's a couple of gory parts, (heads, hands hacked off), but none of the scenes could be described as payoff scenes. The only payoff scene is when the movie ends. "The Cook" plays out exactly as you think it would. Cook kills girl, girls eat girl, repeat ad nauseum. "The Cook" was not sleazy enough for me to get over all of the horrible writing on display. I mean, maybe if a lesbian orgy had broken out and the cook charged in with a meat cleaver we would have had something.

You know, that's what women really do when they're alone. That's right. As soon as the men leave, they get naked in a pile on the floor. I'm sure of it. No doubt in my mind at all. I'm surprised the writers of "The Cook" didn't know about the no men=orgy rule. I thought they were going for stark realism in their portrayal of college women. But there might be some hope yet. "Cook 2" anyone? Anyone?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 crazy cooks

"Rogue" review

Rogue (2007)

Director: Greg Mclean
Writer: Greg Mclean

Radha Mitchell ...Kate Ryan
Michael Vartan ... Pete McKell
Sam Worthington ... Neil
Caroline Brazier ... Mary Ellen
Stephen Curry ... Simon


A bunch of people head upstream to check out all of the majestic beauty that Australia has to offer. They pile on to a tour boat and proceed to make their way through crocodile infested water. Nothing to worry about though since a crocodile would never, ever attack anything bigger than it is. Oh no, bad luck. They happen to run headfirst into a giant croc who loves to eat stupid tourists. The beast takes offense at people gawking at him and starts stalking his new prey . The rest of the movie has the tourists making various attempts to escape the beast as he waits in the shadows for them to make their next boneheaded mistake. Seriously people, don't stand near the water if there is a crocodile hunting you. Horror movie casts never learn.

Killer animal movies can be fun. Nothing better than watching some giant man-eater take a couple of bites out of some doomed fool and then swallow him down. Unfortunately, that's the main problem with "Rogue". It's not a lot of fun. Once the cast gets trapped on the little island, it breaks down into the usual bickering and arguing as they debate the proper way to avoid getting eaten by a huge reptile. Since most of the movie takes place on a mud hole of an island in the middle of the night, you'd think the filmmakers could have come up with a better cast of characters to tremble in fear over the killer beast circling them. Instead we get stuck with a dour group of individuals that yell at each other every chance they get.

Of course none of that would matter if the kill scenes were worth something. But most of the attack scenes are either off camera or take place in the dark. The crocodile hunts them mostly at night so we don't get to see much of the beast in action. When he does strike, he moves so fast that the camera can't keep him up with him. Quality kills were lacking in "Rogue".

Still, the ending was pretty good as our wayward hero stumbles into the monster's lair and does battle as only a horror movie hero can. The croc tried to get his giant head into a lot of nooks and crannies and managed to score a couple of contact wounds.

Overall, "Rogue" is a competently filmed horror flick but is lacking in scares and tension. It takes itself a little too seriously which drains a lot of the fun of watching a monstrous reptile chow down on tourists. But if you're in need of a giant animal flick, it may be worth watching once.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 blurry crocs

"Female Vampire" review

Female Vampire (1973)

Director: Jesus Franco
Writers: Gérard Brisseau Jesus Franco

Lina Romay... Countess Irina Karlstein
Jack Taylor... Baron Von Rathony
Alice Arno... Irina´s servant
Monica Swinn... Princess de Rochefort
Jesus Franco... Dr. Roberts

I rented "Female Vampire" after a reader recommended it to me. We were discussing the merits of Lina Romay in a Jess Franco disaster called "Lust for Frankenstein" and he insisted that I had to see this movie to understand the Romay sex appeal. In his words, "When miss romay was a quite astonishing 18 year old sexual dream come true, we will find yet another unwatchable jess franco abomination in which she appeared namely "the female vampire". Well actually it would be totally unwatchable if not for the astounding lina romay at her absolute peak, she is naked for most of the film, and with franco zooming in on her incredible arse and twat for long periods in the film it becomes one of the greatest masturbation aids of all time." This is a ringing endorsement. The only other Romay movie I've seen was "Ilsa, the Wicked Warden" which was a great smorgasbord of sleaze but Lina wasn't the reason I loved it. "Female Vampire" needed to be seen.

Lina Romay is a mute vampire who gives people oral sex until they die. Of course she does. Franco decides to get right to it and has Lina strolling through the woods naked in the first five seconds of the movie. She then runs into a guy and proceeds to give him some Romay head until he croaks. That pretty much sums up the movie. Some other people bump into Romay and she sucks the life out of them through their genitals.

Lina Romay is naked through most of the movie and has some extended scenes where she rolls around on a bed so we can soak in every nook and cranny of her beautiful body. My reader was right about Lina being a sight for sore eyes in "Female Vampire". In fact if she wasn't in this movie, I think I would have tossed the DVD across the room.

"Female Vampire" is a pretty boring flick. I saw the 110 minutes version and I couldn't wait for it to end after the 45 minute mark. After I saw Romay roll around naked on top of her dead lesbian lover, I knew I had reached the sleaze peak. There was nowhere to go but down. Romay continues down the path of getting people naked and sucking their life essence from their crotch. But if you've seen one crotch sucking scene, you've seen them all.

And for a director who loves to zoom in on female body parts, you'd think Franco would have learned how to zoom in without the camera going out of focus. There are many instances where Franco thinks he's spotted something interesting going on and zooms in only to give the viewer a headache with some blurry shots of naked Romay and friends. Of course, complaining about incompetence in a Franco movie is like cursing the sky for being blue but it's astonishing how much this guy didn't learn from making all these movies.

Lina Romay is the kind of actress that is perfect for exploitation movies. She's got a great body, she's not shy about getting naked and is pretty much up for whatever depravity the filmmakers, (Franco mostly), feels like filming. As far as "Female Vampire" is concerned, she is the only reason to watch it. If you need some prime Lina in your life, it may be worth watching once.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 lusty Linas

"Mirrors" review

Mirrors (2008)

Director: Alexandre Aja
Writers: Alexandre Aja Grégory Levasseur

Kiefer Sutherland ... Ben Carson
Paula Patton ... Amy Carson
Cameron Boyce ... Michael Carson
Erica Gluck ... Daisy Carson
Amy Smart ... Angela Carson

So I met my friends over in the Bank to see "Mirrors". That's Burbank if you want to be official. Ah Burbank. City of Lights. Adventure. Excitement. Chipotle! Before seeing any movie in Burbank, it's important that you hit up the delicacy known as Chipotle. That way even if the movie is a disaster, at least the burrito will be great. And do yourself a favor and get a burrito bowl. That's the way a man would eat it.

After a delicious meal we decided that we still had time to have a beer or two before "Mirrors" started. I had heard nothing but really good things about this movie, (note heavy sarcastic tone), and I knew we might need some alcohol to make the movie that much better. We strolled into a barbecue restaurant and ordered a shot of Jameson and a beer. We debated the merits of "24" and why the last season was awful. We were curious to see if Kiefer was going to have a different persona than the mighty Jack Bauer or if he was going to be channeling his CTU agent into fighting deadly haunted mirrors. We drank our shots and walked back to the theater.

In another stroke of luck, my trustworthy plus one was able to get us passes into the movie. "Mirrors" for free? This night is getting better and better! I had a burrito bowl, chugged some beer and now I get to watch a horror movie for free? "Mirrors" was off to a good start. The good times didn't keep rolling for long.

So the mirrors are haunted. Jack Bauer takes a summer job as a nervous security guard who watches over an entire building filled with evil mirrors. He starts to show signs of insanity and yet this doesn't prevent him from clocking in at his rotten haunted mirror watching job every night. Amy Smart shows up as his concerned sister long enough for us to watch her get topless and die horribly. At least she knew what she was doing in this movie. Soon Bauer will call Chloe and get the schematics of the building downloaded to his PDA because they're running out of time. Dammit!

Oh wait, that was another show. I'm getting confused. I think Keifer was confused too because every time he looked into the mirror, he saw Jack Bauer. Even the way Keifer's character held a gun was exactly the same as Bauer. I would say that Keifer was miscast but then that would imply that this movie should have been cast at all.

It's a good thing I was a little inebriated while watching "Mirrors" because I think I would have walked out on this one. Haunted mirrors is not a good idea for a horror movie. Especially when there's nothing waiting on the other side of the glass except some ambiguous spirits who can pretty much kill you any way they want. "Candyman" showed us that haunted mirrors are a good starting point for a horror flick but shouldn't be used as the basis for the whole movie.

"Mirrors" is the kind of movie that makes up new rules for what the mirrors can or can't do as it goes along. One second Smart tears her jaw open because she stared into the mirror, (mirrors hate that), and the next we see that water is also filled with mirrors and you can drown in your own reflection. Bauer gets on the case and starts to piece together the convoluted mystery behind the mirrors and no one cares. Just break the mirrors already will you? It all ends in crashing glass and bellowing Bauers as you wonder why you sat around for this when you could have been drinking some quality beer.

So plan your next movie night in the Bank with some Chipotle and beer but be sure to skip "Mirrors". There's got to be something better to watch than Bauer battling glass. Dammit!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 reflections of Bauer

"AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem" review

AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)

Directors:Colin Strause Greg Strause
Writers: Shane Salerno Dan O'Bannon

Steven Pasquale... Dallas Howard
Reiko Aylesworth... Kelly O'Brien
John Ortiz... Sheriff Eddie Morales
Johnny Lewis... Ricky Howard
Ariel Gade... Molly O'Brien
Kristen Hager... Jesse
Sam Trammell... Tim O'Brien
Tom Woodruff Jr.... Alien / Predalien
Ian Whyte... Predator
Chelah Horsdal... Darcy Benson

After watching "Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem" I was left with a disturbing question rattling around my brain. It's something I would have never thought possible but after seeing two "AvP" movies I'm forced to ask it: Is having Aliens do battle with Predators a bad idea for a movie? It saddens me that I have to think that but the filmmakers have shown us that they really don't know what to do with these two monster icons except put them through the paces of another generic B-movie.

So aliens land on Earth and proceed to kill people. A Predator back at home base starts noticing the carnage and gets jealous. He decides to take the scenic route to Earth so that the viewers can get treated to a parade of the most mind numbingly banal characters to ever grace a monster movie. By the time the Predator showed up, I couldn't wait for these worthless jerks to get ripped to shreds. After much debate on how to ruin the movie further, the filmmakers decided to pack a lot of the action in dark, rainy spots just to make sure that you don't actually see anything. The final Alien vs Predator smack down ends in a blur of tight close ups to keep the action from getting too exciting.

"AvPR" is a pretty forgettable experience. I know this because I watched it and I can barely remember it. There were some bloody spots in a hospital as the Predator/Alien hybrid wants to go to town on some pregnant women and another scene where a young boy gets the facehugger alien treatment. So that's good. But "AvPR" ends up being a fairly depressing experience. If you have any love for "Aliens" or "Predator", you'll inevitably be let down by this unimaginative waste of time. "AvPR" runs through the B-movie playbook and delivers some blood and guts but fails to bring anything original or exciting to these two movie monster legends.

However, I'm not convinced that Aliens fighting Predators is a bad idea for a movie. What's my idea you say? Glad you asked! If you were going to do this kind of insanity, you'd have to go all the way. Since no one cares about the humans in these movies, toss them overboard. Have Aliens fighting Predators be the whole movie. I'm talking subtitles on the Predators as they discuss strategy for blasting Aliens into little pieces. Let "Apocalypto" show us the way. You don't need the same boring characters infesting every stinking horror/action movie. Let the monsters be the star and it can't lose!

The other "AvP" idea would be to go completely hog wild and have it be an insane action movie for those who can't get enough of watching an action hero blast his way through piles of alien guts. Send in a Chuck Norris clone to lay waste to the entire Predator planet and have him get caught up in their war. Either way, the movie should be set in outer space with alien body parts flying in all directions.

But since no one seems to care about these two monsters I suspect we may have seen the last of them for awhile. I will keep hoping that someday they get the monster movie treatment they deserve. "AvPR" wasn't it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 dark and stormy monsters

"An Erotic Werewolf in London" review

An Erotic Werewolf in London (2006)

Director: William Hellfire

Misty Mundae ... Misty
Anoushka ... Anoushka the Werewolf
Darian Caine ... Nurse Nancy
Julian Wells ... Nurse Carla
Zoe Moonshine ... Zoe the Reporter
Ruby Larocca ... Ruby (as Ruby LaRocca)
Linda Murray ... Anoushka's Neighbor

Ahh, "The Erotic Werewolf in London". Truly, an important film. A film that needs to be thoroughly analyzed for it's immense contribution to cinema. Oh wait, did I say film? Because I meant garbage. Oh man, what a stinker. Something smells rotten and I think it's this movie. I can't put my finger on when the movie fell apart but it was somewhere around the time I hit the play button. Oh yeah, that was it. Now I remember. SINGING: Memories...Misty, (Mundae), water colored memories...of the way this movie stinks...

Of course one would be foolish to expect anything else from a movie called the "Erotic Werewolf in London". I've been known to be foolish and I was expecting a little more. Not that I'm upset that the movie was a pathetic joke mind you. At this point I expect this level of quality, (low), from the Seduction Cinema people. But the fact that they have been sitting on this movie for years, (That's years. Years! It takes them this long to hatch a rotten egg?), leaves me vaguely offended at the level of contempt they show for B-movie making. What kind of tinkering are the mad Seduction scientists doing in their lesbian laboratory? Hmmm... "Igor! Dig up some more hot babes! What does it have to do with werewolves? What kind of stupid question is that you insolent worm?! Screw the werewolf! Bring on the cheap sex! MOO-HA-HA!"

So a bunch of Seduction babes got together for some random sex scenes. Years later the filmmakers decided to pretend they care by stapling the movie together and shoving it in a DVD box. There was something about a werewolf but I lost interest in the movie as quickly as the director did. Here's what I remember: Misty Mundae gets bit by Anoushka after some sapphic action and proceeds to sloooowly turn into a semblance of a werewolf. Julian Wells and Darian Caine show up for some half hearted sex scenes with Misty Werewolf. Then there's a British reporter checking on werewolf stories and some other stuff and ahh who cares?

As pathetic as this movie is, I can still find two good things to say about it. One, there were a lot of naked women in it which saves it from the landfill. Two, the sex scene between Anoushka and Mundae at the beginning was pretty good so that scores it a point and a half. But that's all the praise I can muster for this one. If you get this movie for any reason other than the Anoushka/Mundae coupling at the beginning, you'll be using the DVD for target practice. They even had yet another sex scene between Julian Wells and Mundae and managed to blow it. The Mundae/Wells sex scenes are probably the best thing about Seduction Cinema. (For a truly satisfying night with Julian, get "The Seduction of Misty Mundae" I can't praise that movie enough.) As far as "Erotic Werewolf in London", it's a waste of sweet Julian.

Maybe that's what bums me out more than anything. According to the IMDb, this appears to be the last hurrah for Ms. Julian Wells and her lesbian adventures. I wanted to go out with a better one than this flea bitten mutt of a movie but it was not to be. Oh well. We had some good times. SINGING: Memories, Misty (Mundae) water colored memories, of Misty kissing Julian...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 werebabes

And here's my ode to Julian Wells. She has helped me be a better reviewer. Seriously. It's the B-movie babes that keep me going and she was one of the best. She has inspired me to keep writing reviews of B-movies. Thanks for being in so many of them. We had some laughs. Well, at least I did. Here's my montage of Julian.

Ahh, Julian and Misty. Truly a great sight to behold. The highlight of many a dire Seduction Cinema flick.

See what I mean?

Mmm mmm good. "The Seduction of Misty Mundae" represents everything that is good in softcore cinema. A must see.Julian As Aunt Inga. I only wish she was called Aunt Ilsa.
Julian put her long legs to good effect in "Sexy American Idle". She was fairly amusing in this one.Speaking of legs, there was plenty of feet action in "Pleasures of a Woman". One of Julian's kinkier movies. There's is also a decent sex scene with Syn De Vil in this one. Julian showed up as Dr. Babe in "Shock-O-Rama". Yes, she will let down her hair and take off her glasses at some point. Some point real soon...Another hot doctor for Julian was in "Dr Jeckyl and Mistress Hyde". One of her better Misty make out movies.

Julian as the sleazy gold digger in "Skin Crawl". A decent B-flick about skin and crawling and grown women in school girl outfits.

Julian brought her super babe power to "Spiderbabe". And I mean power! WOO-HOO!
Julian and Misty. Real power. As close to a sure bet for a good time as there is. We had some fun. Well, at least I did.

"The Signal" review

The Signal (2007)

Directors: David Bruckner Dan Bush Jacob Gentry
Writers: David Bruckner Jacob Gentry Dan Bush

Anessa Ramsey ... Mya Denton
Sahr Ngaujah ... Rod (as Sahr Nguajah)
AJ Bowen ... Lewis Denton
Matthew Stanton ... Jerry (as Matt Stanton)
Suehyla El-Attar ... Janice
Justin Welborn... Ben Capstone
Cheri Christian ... Anna

A woman tries to escape her psychotic husband and is pursued throughout the city by him and her lover. The story is told in three parts with each having a different tone for the signal induced mayhem. The movie starts off with her running for her life from many “crazy” people. Then the movie shifts gears into an apartment where a party was going to be held but was ruined by all the mass murdering shenanigans going on. The last part leads up to the final showdown to see who the signal will destroy.“The Signal” is about the end of the world. It all starts with a sleazy B-movie playing on TV which emits homicidal signals into people’s minds to kill, kill, kill! I always knew these movies would destroy all life on Earth someday. Their power cannot be underestimated. Soon the signals start emitting from every electronic device, (phones, radios, etc), just in case some people don’t watch B-movies.

The signal affects some people differently than others. Most give into their rage and paranoia while others try to hold onto their sanity. “The Signal” leaves you with a few questions. Like how can you live in a media saturated world and not go insane? What possible escape is there from the signal when we rely on electronic devices for everything we do? And why did it take three directors to make this movie?

I’m not sure of the back story behind “The Signal” but there must be a good reason, (I hope), that this movie needed three directors. In any other movie having multiple directors is the sign that the film has spun out of control and something is rotten. But “The Signal” does this deliberately although how it really benefited the movie I can’t be completely sure. The first part plays as a straight horror film which keeps zipping right along. Then the movie morphs into a gory comedy in the second section as the violence starts getting played for laughs, (Bug spray in the eyes? HAHAHA!). The final section teeters back and forth between horror and laughs with plenty of bloody scenes.

I found the changing tones effect to be a little jarring but it actually works well with this kind of movie. “The Signal” tries to keep an atmosphere of signal induced madness alive and it succeeds. Each section shifts focus onto another character and the tone changes with them. I had a good time keeping up with the crazies. It’s worth checking out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 signals

"The Strangers" review

The Strangers (2008)

Director: Bryan Bertino
Writer: Bryan Bertino

Alex Fisher ... Mormon Boy #1
Peter Clayton-Luce ... Mormon Boy #2
Scott Speedman ... James Hoyt
Liv Tyler ... Kristen McKay
Gemma Ward ... Dollface
Kip Weeks ... The Man in the Mask
Laura Margolis ... Pin-Up Girl
Glenn Howerton ... Mike

Liv Tyler and her boyfriend head to an isolated house to have a romantic getaway. Unfortunately for them, they are being stalked by three masked freaks. They saw that Liv was going through some tense times with her boyfriend and graciously decided to put them out of their misery. For some strange reason, the boyfriend doesn’t get overly alarmed at the sight of a masked woman standing in the front yard at 4AM. Liv tries to warn him that this behavior is not normal but he just can’t believe that he’s a pawn in a horror movie. His skepticism may doom them both.
“The Strangers” is an exercise in bare minimum horror filmmaking. It feels like it was made to fulfill an assignment in Directing 101 class. This movie rolls out all of the possible scare scenes you could have in a movie about three psychos stalking your house. Loud banging on doors? Check. Creepy music playing as you’re trying to hide? Check. Objects moved when you reenter a room to denote that the killer is toying with you? Check. And of course, a couple of scenes of the killer slowly creeping up behind you? Oh yeah.

So on a technical level, “The Strangers” works very well. If I was his professor at Horror movie university, I would give the director an A. But do all of these little scare scenes add up to a good horror flick? Going into this movie, I pretty much knew what to expect. The joy in watching horror movies, no matter how predictable they may seem, comes from being shocked by what tricks the filmmakers can whip out to surprise even the most jaded of horror fans. “The Strangers” did not surprise me.

There was a lot of effort put into making the soundtrack, (banging doors, broken glass, screaming, etc), be as scary as possible. It’s too bad the story didn’t throw any twists to make the plight of the doomed couple more interesting. By about the third scene of a masked freak sneaking up on somebody, I was ready for someone to get killed. The freaks weren’t just toying with the couple; they were toying with the audience as well. “The Strangers” has some good scare scenes but overall there was too much buildup and not enough payoff. There's only so much teasing I can take from psychotic masked women. Sooner or later, you've got to introduce yourself and not be such a stranger.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 stalking strangers