Thursday, August 31, 2006

"The Punisher" review

The Punisher (2004)

Directed by Jonathan Hensleigh
Writing credits Jonathan Hensleigh Michael France

Thomas Jane.... Frank Castle/The Punisher (as Tom Jane)
John Travolta.... Howard Saint
Will Patton.... Quentin Glass
Eddie Jemison.... Mickey Duka
Rebecca Romijn.... Joan (as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos)

Thomas Jane, (Frank Castle/Punisher), is out for blood. But first he wants to take his shirt off. Oh yeah. That's better. Let those pecs free. The Punisher has to let the world see his nipples as much as possible. So Travolta decides to wipe out Castle's family. This doesn't sit well with our bare-chested vigilante. Travolta has pushed the Punisher to the limit. He's made him put on a shirt. Anyone who gazes on his skull t-shirt is marked for death.

Travolta decides to reason with Castle by sending a couple of hitmen his way. The first hitman decides to serenade Castle while he's eating. This is how cold blooded killers communicate with each other. The hitman dedicates the song to the one he loves. Only through the majestic power of song can two hard souls come to grips with the unfair world around them. The second hitman is a super huge, throbbing Russian Waldo.I found him! I found him! He attacks the Punisher while his male neighbors are dancing together and singing along to opera. The Punisher looks longingly out his window, wishing he could join them.

His hot blonde neighbor, (Rebecca Stamos), wants Castle to replace his old, bad memories with some new, good ones. He tells her, "I'm not what you're looking for." and runs off. Shortly afterwards, we see the Punisher choking on the business end of a handgun. This is one conflicted Punisher. Will no one stop his pain?

The Punisher is punishing himself far too much. He should take the same action hero therapy that many men have tried before him. By killing insane amounts of bad guys of course. The Punisher is more into being subtle. He takes his time and exacts his revenge in a very thoughtful, precise manner. Personally, I think the Punisher should have wasted everyone as inhumanely as possible. That would have shaken off those post family massacre blues. Eventually, the Punisher puts on some clothes and takes care of business. I just wish he would have straightened himself out a little sooner.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 fully dressed for revenge Punishers

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

"The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting" review

The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting (2003)

Directed by Louis Morneau
Writing credits Eric Red Molly Meeker

C. Thomas Howell .... Jim Halsey
Kari Wuhrer .... Maggie
Jake Busey .... Jack
Shaun Johnston .... Sheriff Castillo

Theoretically, "Hitcher II" is a sequel to the violent Rutger Hauer classic "The Hitcher". In actuality, it's a Kari Wuhrer thriller masquerading as a "Hitcher" sequel. Oh sure, there's C. Thomas Howell driving along the same highway as the first movie. And look! There's a blonde hitchhiker acting all crazy. So what's the problem? No problem really. I just wonder why they bothered with Howell at all if they just wanted to make another Wuhrer thriller. Say it with me: EXPLOITATION.

So the "Hitcher" title gets slapped onto this little B-movie. They had a blonde psycho ready to go and wondered how they were going to squeeze him into a Wuhrer flick. So Wuhrer runs afoul of loony bird and the psychotic events start unfolding. Like the first movie, he tries to frame her at every ludicrous turn. Like the first movie, there are ropes and two trucks involved in a key scene. Like the first movie, there is special finger food added to the deep fryer. So why am I saying "Hitcher II" is not really a sequel?

Because "The Hitcher" was about Howell having a violent S/M relationship thrust on him by psycho Hauer. "Hitcher II" is just another generic psycho movie with Wuhrer weeping her eyes out at every turn. Busey was just doing it all for B-movie kicks. Now if a female hitchhiker had gotten picked up by Wuhrer and the two of them went through the motions that Hauer and Howell had gone through...Oh yeah. I've been waiting...Still waiting.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against B-movie thrills. In fact I love them. "Hitcher II" takes the best bloody bits from the first "Hitcher" and shoves them into the Kari Wuhrer blender. I enjoyed myself. It just didn't feel like a sequel to me. It ripped off the first one but forgot to rip-off the best part.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hysterical Wuhrers

"Signs" review

Signs (2002)

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Writing credits M. Night Shyamalan

Mel Gibson.... Rev. Graham Hess
Joaquin Phoenix.... Merrill Hess
Rory Culkin.... Morgan Hess

Mel Gibson has a farm, two dogs, two kids and some funky alien crop circles. Gibson doesn't know what to make of it. Soon it becomes apparent that aliens are checking out the Earth. Why? What does it all mean? Can you see the signs for what they are or are you a heathen non-believer? Ever since his wife died, Gibson has lost his faith in God. Perhaps an alien invasion can help him get it back.

The most amazing thing about "Signs" is how tightly directed it is. There is nothing spontaneous about this flick. Every scene is directed by a guy who knew exactly what he wanted to see. Everything must have been planned a long time beforehand: Where he wanted the camera, what he wanted the actors to do and say, the facial expression they should portray and how long they should keep it. Everything was exactly where it should be. This is definitely Shyamalan's film. Every other person involved in this flick was there to do his bidding. He deserves the praise or the blame.

Which to give him? "Signs" is a very well made, suspenseful flick. Top notch direction. I praise him for that. But "Signs" begs a lot of questions. Is the movie saying that every little thing that happens to us is a sign? Does God always have benevolent designs for us? Do people die so that others may live through an alien invasion? "Signs" is making a loud argument for faith in God. It's an old tale in which we are supposed to draw comfort from our sorrow because God let it happen and knows what's best for us. Everything happened "for a reason". Have faith in God because He is watching over you and throwing signs in your face. Are you paying attention or are you a deaf, dumb and blind heathen? Got Faith?

More questions than answers or just a simple alien invasion flick? I suppose you could take it either way. Overall, I enjoyed it. I just don't know if I can believe in the message of "Signs". It's preaching in its own low tech, sci-fi way. I believe in God but I don't think every little thing that happens to me is a sign from above or even meant to be a part in God's cosmic plan. When I stub my toe, God isn't telling me to watch out for a wall six months down the road. Sometimes we humans do stupid things. I'm sure God's got a handle on the big picture and leaves the details to us.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 signs from above

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

"The Exotic House of Wax" review

The Exotic House of Wax (1996)

Directed by Cybil Richards
Writing credits Cybil Richards Lucas Riley

Blake Pickett.... Josie
Jacqueline Lovell.... Star
Everett Rodd.... Pete (as Everett J. Rodd)
Eric Acsell.... Andy
Elizabeth Kaitan.... Angela Wingate

A hot babe inherits a hot wax museum. She enlists her friends to help her save the dilapidated junk pile. Soon she discovers the building's hidden secret: It's an erotic house of wax! MOO-HA-HA! There's an ancient horny amulet that turns wax figures into carnal creatures. Could this be the solution to her money problems? Could copulating wax people help the museum survive? What a great business strategy! Throw a sex amulet on some wax dummies and let the money pour in.

"The Exotic House of Wax" is not the best skin flick I ever saw but it gets the job done. Josie Hunter is the hot babe who gets her hands on the wax museum and her hands all over one of her guy friends. That was a decent scene. She should have put on the amulet a lot sooner. Most of the scenes with the wax people getting it on were fair. Whenever you hear a cheesy rock guitar crank up, you'll know that wax sex is coming soon. There was one sex scene that worked wonders for me. It involved Jacqueline Lovell, two female wax figures and another woman with large breasts. Let's just say that that was some hot wax friction. "The Exotic House of Wax" is worth watching if you're a Lovell fan.

One last thing, do you think wax figures get turned on by having wax poured on them? One sex scene had a woman pouring hot wax from a burning candle onto an animated wax woman and she squirmed with pleasure. You'd think they'd be sick of wax. It's like pouring an extra layer on them. These are the things I think about. Wax on a wax figure? Sure, why not? She seemed to like it and that's good enough for me.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hot wax loving Lovells

Sunday, August 27, 2006

"Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" review

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Directed by Shane Black

Writing credits Shane Black

Robert Downey Jr..... Harry Lockhart
Val Kilmer.... Gay Perry
Michelle Monaghan.... Harmony Faith Lane
Corbin Bernsen.... Harlan Dexter
Larry Miller.... Dabney Shaw
Rockmond Dunbar.... Mr. Fire
Shannyn Sossamon.... Pink Hair Girl
Angela Lindvall.... Flicka

“Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” is about living in Los Angeles. There’s a comic mystery going on but it’s really more concerned with showing you the West Coast and, in particular, L.A. women. Robert Downey Jr. gets himself involved with some showbiz players in NYC. He comes out to L.A. to do a screen test. Val Kilmer is going to show him the ropes on how to be a detective for his big break. While going to Kilmer detective school, they witness a body being dumped. Now Downey and Kilmer are entangled in a real L.A. murder mystery.

“Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” is a very cool movie. If you live in Los Angeles, it will hit you where it hurts. The movie starts off with Downey at an L.A. party and a woman comes up to him and asks him what he does. Those are the four magic words in L.A.: “WHAT DO YOU DO?” If you don’t answer that you are somehow connected with the entertainment industry, you will watch that person’s eyes glaze over faster than a corpse. Downey answers her that he is retired and she has to make a hasty retreat. “I’m going to see who else is here.” Ouch. Later when Downey tries to track down an old girl friend he knew in school, he gets stopped at the door of the bar by a tall woman named Flicka. She asks, “So WHAT DO YOU DO?” Downey answers that he is a private detective and she can’t wait to leave him alone. As she is walking away, he looks behind his shoulder and asks, “Is that it?” “Yeah.”, she says walking as fast as she can. Double ouch.

Later in the movie, he meets his old friend, (Monaghan), at a party on the Sunset Plaza. He is trying to tell her about all of the trouble they’re in when a woman comes up and says, “Your guy there was totally checking me out.” Downey looks at her dumbfounded and screams, “What is wrong with the women in this town?!” Monaghan protests that they are no different than any other women. Downey proceeds to tear into L.A. women in a hilarious speech bashing the stability and mental health of West Coast women.

These are the scenes of the movie that I thought were fantastic. All of the scenes that painted a picture of living in modern L.A. were right on target.

The rest of the movie was pretty entertaining as well. It involved a complicated murder mystery that Downey gets mixed up in. Somehow he always seems to end up where the dead bodies are. Kilmer and Monaghan are along for the ride to help Downey figure out what is going on in the City of Angels. There’s enough action and gunfights to go along with the mystery. I enjoyed myself.

One last thing, I have to say a word or two about Michelle Monaghan. She is hot! I love writing that. My favorite scene in the movie is when she shows up at Downey’s door pleading for help. She lights a cigarette and asks Downey if he is really a detective. He asks, “Who told you that”? Her eyes light up and she says, “Flicka! Flicka! My friend Flicka!” I rewound that scene at least 5 times. I loved watching the smoke leave her lips as she repeated the name Flicka. She is one of the main highlights of “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”. If only all L.A. women were as cool as her. And had friends named Flicka.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 L.A. women

"Evil Remains" review

Evil Remains (2004)
AKA Trespassing

Directed by James Merendino
Writing credits James Merendino

Jeff Galpin.... Carl Bryce
Maryam d'Abo.... Linda Bryce
Will Rokos.... John Bryce
Estella Warren.... Kristy Goodman

I rented this one because I saw the blonde from "Planet of the Apes" on the video box cover. All I wanted was an Estella Warren slasher flick. What I got instead is a mystery to me. Lots of yelling and screaming but not nearly enough Warren slashing.

So five idiots head to an abandoned plantation that may be cursed. The main guy is there to prove that there is no such thing as curses at scary mansions with a history of violence. He must have never watched a horror flick before. Suffice to say, there's something funky going on. Evil Remains at the big house. How this evil manifests itself will forever be a mystery to the perplexed and irritated audience.

Basically, this is one of those B-flicks that has their cast members have a nervous breakdown from all of the "evil" around them. So the idiots yell and scream at each other and somehow die horribly. Did one of them commit all of the murders or is there someone else having all of the fun? Who knows? The filmmakers don't feel the need to share that information and would rather have you scratch your head. Warren runs for her life from a madman but it ends on a sour note that negates the chase and pretty much the whole movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 mysterious Warrens

Well, if nothing else, at least this movie gives me an excuse to post some Estella Warren pictures.

Did you know she was a professional swimmer? Me neither! Here's some interesting trivia from the IMDb: "Estella Warren was a synchronized swimmer from the age of seven until 17 in her native Canada. She moved away from home at 12 to train for the Canadian National Team. She was the Canadian National Champion for three years and represented her country at the World Aquatic Championship, where she placed second."

Man, that must mean we need a picture of her in a bikini! Here you go:

"Species" review

Species (1995)

Directed by Roger Donaldson
Writing credits Dennis Feldman

Ben Kingsley.... Xavier Fitch
Michael Madsen.... Preston Lennox
Alfred Molina.... Dr. Stephen Arden
Forest Whitaker.... Dan Smithson, Empath
Marg Helgenberger.... Dr. Laura Baker
Natasha Henstridge.... Sil
Michelle Williams.... Young 'Sil'

Natasha Henstridge shows her naked breasts. A lot. That is the single most important thing to know about "Species".

The scientists get a recipe for making aliens from outer space. They decide to use the most babe potential DNA they can find and mix it with lizard alien DNA. Why they do this is unclear. What is clear is that what comes out of the oven is Natasha Henstridge, hot alien babe.

So Natasha breaks loose and attacks the L.A. single scene looking for a guy. Thankfully for the viewer, she wants to mate. Badly. This gives her a chance to get naked on numerous occasions. There is the motley crew of scientists and others hunting her down. But again, the movie is about Natasha Henstridge making out and getting naked.

As far as an alien movie goes, it was OK. I could have gone for some more action scenes with the alien. But I keep going back to naked Natasha. She was a sight to behold. Overall, "Species" is a decent horny alien on the loose flick. Worth a look.

SCORE 2.5 out of 4 horny alien babes

"The Bog Creatures" review

The Bog Creatures (2003)

Directed by J. Christian Ingvordsen
Writing credits Matthew M. Howe

T.J. Glenn.... Max
Jennifer Lauren Grant.... Virgin
Courtney Henggeler.... Susan Beth
J. Christian Ingvordsen.... Lord Voldhein
Debbie Rochon.... Tara

OK. I admit it. I'm an idiot. A fool. A nincompoop. Once again I saw an exciting video box cover and thought it would be good. There was a vicious looking skull on the cover with red eyes and sharp teeth looking down on a bunch of teens. The movie had a bunch of shambling guys in Swamp Thing costumes wielding swords. I cry foul.

"Bog Creatures" reeks. It stinks. Waste of time. One of the things that roped me into it, (as I'm sure the producers were hoping), was the name of Debbie Rochon. I figured she would bring some fun to the party or at least a sense of B-movie legitimacy. Nope. She had no chance. Rochon couldn't save this one from drowning in the muck. She does not get naked in this flick. One of the girls rubs her arm a lot. Wow. Exciting. There was going to be a bathing scene with Rochon being washed by her new girlfriend. It was looking promising. Of course that would have been entertaining and "Bog Creatures" had to put a stop to that right away. Heartbreaking.

So what's left? Not much. There is no action, suspense or gore. There's nothing. Throw this tape back in the bog.


"Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill" review

Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill (2004)

Directed by Byron Werner
Writing credits John Yuan Matt Yuan

Chelsea Jean.... Gwen
Jeremy Bouvet.... Bloody Bill
Gregory Bastien.... Earl
Denise Boutte.... Mandy

A bunch of teens...that's the way these movies always start, teens in bunches. Anyway, a bunch of teens get sidetracked on their way to a debate. They end up in a ghost town filled with zombies. Or maybe it's a zombie town. Bloody Bill is the king zombie. He wants revenge for something that happened during the civil war. So the teens will pay for being teens in Bill town. Bloody bill will bang his zombie head to harsh metal while dealing out death. Kill Bill Kill.

This was a decent straight to video zombie flick. There was enough gore here to let me overlook any other B-movie deficiencies. Somehow zombies are becoming associated with metal music. After "Dawn of the Dead" blasting eardrums with "Down with the Sickness", "Bloody Bill" continues the zombie/metal love affair. Every time Bill and friends were chasing teens, it was metal time. From beyond the grave, Bill rocks on.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 hard rocking monsters

Saturday, August 26, 2006

"Skyscraper" review

Skyscraper (1997)

Directed by Raymond Martino
Writing credits William Applegate Jr. John Larrabee

Anna Nicole Smith .... Carrie Wisk

OK, so I bought this video. It had a picture of Anna Nicole Smith on the front with her cleavage prominently displayed. Ditto on the back cover. It reads on the back: "In between steamy showers and love making..." I was hooked. I could have gone for her Playboy video but went with this one instead.

What in the world was I thinking? I hit play and this "movie" appeared. It was a lot of filler that took away from the real plot: Anna Nicole Smiths naked breasts. Oh they were there but this annoying terrorist movie kept getting in the way. Softer than softcore, this movie disappoints. If Anna had any acting ability then maybe it could have been fun. Unfortunately she doesn't and it's not.

I went back to the store the next week and bought her Playboy video. Much better.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Anna Nicole Smiths in a much, much better movie

Anna having some fun in the tub from "Anna Nicole Smith: Exposed". Watch this movie a thousand times before even thinking about seeing "Skyscraper". And then don't see "Skyscraper".

"The Velvet Vampire" review

The Velvet Vampire (1971)

Directed by Stephanie Rothman
Writing credits Maurice Jules Stephanie Rothman

Michael Blodgett .... Lee Ritter
Sherry Miles .... Susan Ritter
Celeste Yarnall .... Diane LeFanu

I bought this one from Blockbuster for three bucks. So this groovy couple head out into the desert to hang out with a hot vampire woman. She's the kind of vampire who walks around in broad daylight. And lives in the scorching desert. Yeeeaahh. It's that kind of vampire flick. So the couple takes dune buggy tours and has far out relationship issues while vampire lady decides who to seduce first.

This is a typically 70's, cheap-o, female vampire flick. The good news is that both women in this movie get topless. The best news is that the lead vampire lady, (Celeste Yarnall), is a hot bloodsucker. She has some very glossy sex with the guy.

The bad news is that this movie is lame. There is nothing scary or interesting about this movie. The only thing worth seeing is Yarnall in all her vampire glory. You'll also get a cheap laugh watching her drive around in her yellow dune buggy. Speaking of cheap, they must have filmed this sucker in a week. They found a house in the desert and decided it would be perfect for a vampire movie. How they came to that conclusion is unknown.

Unless you're dying to see Celeste Yarnall naked, I would say skip this one.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 velvet vamps

"Bleed" review

Bleed (2002)

Directed by Devin Hamilton Dennis Petersen
Writing credits Devin Hamilton

Debbie Rochon.... Maddy Patterson
Danny Wolske.... Shawn Banning
Allen Nabors.... Chris
Julie Strain.... Linda
Brinke Stevens.... Phyllis Patterson
Lloyd Kaufman.... Carl Patterson

Debbie Rochon shows up and gets topless. That's all you really need to know about "Bleed".

Julie Strain's breasts have a fifteen second cameo near the beginning of the movie. I just watched "Blood Gnome" the other day and she did another topless walk-on in that flick. It's no longer a question whether Strain will get naked. The question is, "How long will her breasts stay out to play?" Even in both movies combined, she was on screen for less than 5 minutes. Her name is enough to rope in the drooling B-movie fans like myself. Strain's breasts are in big, bouncing demand. (Drool, drool...)

Debbie Rochon is the star of this one and she gets topless on many occasions. That was nice. The rest of the movie was pretty lame. Rochon thinks she's in a "Murder club" but the would-be club members are keeping a secret from her. I won't spoil the big surprise here. Besides, who really cares what these idiots are thinking or doing or saying? What's important in life is naked breasts. Am I right? Can I get an amen?

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 bleeding Debbies

"Battle Royale" review

Battle Royale (2000)
AKA Batoru rowaiaru

Directed by Kinji Fukasaku
Writing credits Kenta Fukasaku Koushun Takami

Tatsuya Fujiwara .... Shuya Nanahara - Boys #15
Aki Maeda .... Noriko Nakagawa - Girls #15
Taro Yamamoto .... Shougo Kawada - Boys #5
Chiaki Kuriyama .... Takako Chigusa - Girls #13
Takeshi Kitano.... Kitano (as Beat Takeshi)

A high school class gets sent to a deserted island for a Battle Royale. The government has decided that teens are too rowdy and it would be more fun watching them kill each other. Their mission, whether they like it or not, is to kill or be killed. The last person alive wins. Such is life.

"Life is a game. So survive." So begins the Battle Royale. Teens getting the chance to let all their anger and frustration out by wasting their peers. That's the flick. Any movie with girls in school uniforms attacking is cool in my book. I had a good time. It goes without saying that there is no way a movie like this would get made in Hollywood. I think I just read that some studio secured the remake rights. Even so, there's no way they could make it as intense as "Battle Royale".

You can't help but think of the possibilities though. Maybe the Olsen twins could star and there could be a dramatic scene where they're pointing guns at each other. Then Mandy Moore could throw a hand grenade at them while the kid from the "Sixth Sense" knocks her over the head with a frying pan...

Mmmmmm..Dreaming again. Hollywood Battle Royale ain't happening. See this one before the inevitably lame PG-13 version comes out.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 for high school Armageddon

"Blood Moon" review

Blood Moon (2001)
AKA Wolf Girl

Directed by Thom Fitzgerald
Writing credits Lori Lansens

Shelby Fenner .... Krystal
Shawn Ashmore .... Beau
Tony Denman .... Cory
Nate Dushku .... Whiffer
Tim Curry .... Harley Dune

This movie is a lie. A huge fraud. If it was a crime to make a misleading video box, this movie would be sentenced to the electric chair. They would bring it out of storage just for it. The box has one of those covers where if you tilt it the being on the box changes. This one had a wolf creature. The movie had a girl who needed to shave! Get some shaving cream and you will have defeated the vicious wolf girl and her stubble. The box I rented was called "Blood Moon" too. I can't remember if the box explicitly said the word "werewolf" but it was definitely what was being sold.

It's another example of a movie using and abusing horror marketing to sell their non-horror movie. It really was a freak show sing along. Why not sell that on your video box? A bunch of freaks on the cover wouldn't sell that's why. Instead they grab dupes like me who think they are renting a horror movie and instead I get a freak-o-rama singing and dancing marathon. Gee, how could that possibly disappoint me? Warm up the chair.


"The Candy Snatchers" review

The Candy Snatchers (1973)

Directed by Guerdon Trueblood
Writing credits Bryan Gindoff

Tiffany Bolling.... Jessie
Ben Piazza.... Avery
Susan Sennett.... Candy
Brad David.... Alan

All of the hype played up "The Candy Snatchers" as a drive-in epic from the 70's. Clearly, I had to see this film. I am not one to pass up a chance to see a sleazy kidnapping story.

So Candy gets snatched. Two guys and a girl bury Candy alive until her father can come up with some diamonds. Complications ensue when it becomes apparent that dad couldn't care less what happens to Candy. He's got his own angle to play. The crooks bicker and argue as their personalities clash. The big guy is a softie while the brother and sister are ruthless. Poor Candy has to put up with a lot of abuse and bondage as the thieves figure out how to get the loot. "Money is the root of all happiness…"

I enjoyed this flick. It gives off a very realistic vibe of three desperate people looking to make it big off of poor Candy. Candy spends most of the flick bound and gagged in a Catholic Schoolgirl uniform. The thieves have a hard time keeping their hands off of her. Tiffany Bolling is the hot kidnapper who tries to keep the boys in line and sometimes has to suffer their abuse. Overall, "The Candy Snatchers" is a pretty good crime flick. It's a little sleazy, a little harsh and all around exploitative. If that description speaks to you, check it out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 snatched Candys

"Fair Game" review

Fair Game (1986)

Directed by Mario Andreacchio
Writing credits Rob George

Cassandra Delaney.... Jessica
Peter Ford.... Sony
David Sandford.... Ringo

I bought this video for three bucks. One thing you can say about "Fair Game", the video box cover didn't lie. That's very important to me after so many heartbreaks. It promises you a naked woman tied to the hood of a car and that's exactly what you get. Three kangaroo hunters decide to pick on a woman who lives by herself. She's all alone on her wildlife preserve, they're three fun loving know where this is going. Their pranks escalate until we get the female hood ornament scene.

Oh, and about that scene, loved it! Another classic B-movie moment. It's the perfect turning point to turn her from a meek farm girl into a Vengence is mine! assassin. She does not disappoint. While the movie is not overly bloody or brutal, it has a cool B-movie vibe going on that suits it well. Morons humiliate her, she strikes back and so on and so on until the bloody end. I liked it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 naked hood ornaments

"Vicious" review

Vicious (2003)

Directed by Matt Green
Writing credits Matt Green Martin L. Kelley

Tom Savini.... Kane
Brian Bremer.... Doug
Melanie Parker.... Barbara
Bill Moseley.... Walace
Brinke Stevens.... Woman Camper

A monster is loose in the woods. It's yet another military experiment gone horribly wrong. This particular monster has Tom Savini as its handler. Four dolts head out into the woods for a compromised "Guy's weekend" and run afoul of this very cheap looking monster. More cheap shenanigans follow.

There are many things wrong with "Vicious". For starters, Brinke Stevens is completely wasted in a ten second cameo. It should have been at least thirty seconds. The two commandos who hunt down Savini look like wimps that even I could beat up. Savini is in this movie as an ex-military man whose one character trait is smoking cigars. That's all he does. Another scene, another cigar. He has turned me off smoking cigars for life. Thanks Mr. Savini for the anti-smoking ad.

On the plus side, "Vicious" does have a monster attacking idiots. The video box cover did not lie. It is an extremely cheap monster but a monster none the less. I was mildly entertained by it all. I don't know if it's worth renting but if you do take the plunge, it probably won't hurt you too much.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cigar smoking Savinis

Friday, August 25, 2006

"True Romance" review

True Romance (1993)

Directed by Tony Scott
Writing credits Quentin Tarantino

Christian Slater.... Clarence Worley
Patricia Arquette.... Alabama Whitman
Michael Rapaport.... Dick Ritchie
Val Kilmer.... Elvis, Mentor
Bronson Pinchot.... Elliot Blitzer
Dennis Hopper.... Clifford Worley
Gary Oldman.... Drexl Spivey
Brad Pitt.... Floyd
Tom Sizemore.... Cody Nicholson
Christopher Walken.... Vincenzo Coccotti
Samuel L. Jackson.... Big Don
Saul Rubinek.... Lee Donowitz
James Gandolfini.... Virgil

"True Romance" is one of my favorite movies. Christian Slater wins one for all of the B-movie, comic book loving guys out there. Like me! Just like me! He's a goober who works in a comic book store and starts dating a beautiful blonde (Patricia Arquette). They meet during a Sonny Chiba movie. She is the dream girl. A girl who can watch B-movies and likes comic books. Wow. Where can I find one? Unfortunately she is a hooker and Slater wants to settle business with her pimp. This leads to much violence and drug dealing as the two young lovers break out on their own and head to Hollywood. They want to unload a suitcase full of dope on L.A. to fund their getaway.

I think most people were scared away from this one because of the title. The title "True Romance" won't excite the bloodthirsty action fans. That's a shame because there is a ton of action in it. When Slater goes to negotiate with Alabama's pimp, (Oldman), things quickly get out of hand. Mucho carnage. There's another great scene where we get to see what Alabama is made of when Gandolfini corners her in a hotel room. It's a brutal fight for survival involving corkscrews, toilet covers and flammable hairspray.

"True Romance" is a very violent movie that's written as a love letter to B-movie fans. Movie references are sprinkled throughout the movie. Besides meeting Alabama at a Sonny Chiba triple feature, they also take the time to watch "A Better Tomorrow II". And she likes it! Now come on, is this a perfect woman or what? When Slater goes to visit Oldman, he's hanging out watching "The Mack". Slater knows he's got to take him out when he dares to question his movie knowledge. There are many other movie references as well. Too numerous to mention here.

Suffice to say, "True Romance" is a very cool movie. If you're a movie fan, it's a must see.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 because the B-movie geek fights to the death for his True Romance

Gary Oldman is great as king pimp daddy Drexl. He sets a high standard by which all future movie pimps shall be judged.