Sunday, September 30, 2007

"Resident Evil: Extinction" review

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

Director: Russell Mulcahy
Writer: Paul W.S. Anderson

Milla Jovovich ... Alice
Oded Fehr ... Carlos Olivera
Ali Larter ... Claire
Iain Glen ... Dr. Isaacs
Ashanti ... Betty
Christopher Egan ... Mikey
Spencer Locke ... K-Mart
Mike Epps ... L.J.

Can anything stop the evil Umbrella Corporation from destroying what’s left of humanity? Can anything stop me from watching another “Resident Evil” movie? Once again, Milla Jovovich runs across zombies in the standard post-apocalyptic setting. The Umbrella Corporation is getting tired of living underground and wants a cure for the zombie plague they’ve unleashed on the world. Milla’s blood is the key to creating an anti-virus so they send a team to go and fetch her. But Milla is evolving into a super babe with powers beyond those of normal babes. The Umbrella Corp. resident mad scientist needs to gain new powers if he is going to defeat Alice. Long live the new flesh.

What is it about supermodels and guns? What is it about watching a beautiful woman lay waste to armies of the undead? Would these movies have worked at all if Alice wasn’t a hot harvester of death?I don’t believe they would have. The main selling point of these flicks is watching Jovovich splatter zombie guts all over the place while strutting her stuff like the supermodel she is. I can’t seem to get enough of it. When you wonder why they keep making these movies, think of me. More specifically, think of me forking over my soon to be spent eight dollars to someone sitting in a box office.

“Resident Evil: Extinction” is a throwaway movie made for some quick zombie thrills. The good news is that it works effectively. They throw in a few new scenes to spice up the zombie carnage. The zombie dogs are back but this time we get zombie birds. Come on, you know you love zombie birds. There’s also plenty of blood spilling to keep the gore level at an appropriate level. I had a good time watching Alice slice and dice her way through various zombie organs. “Resident Evil: Extinction” is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 supermodel zombie killers

Friday, September 28, 2007

"SSI: Sex Squad Investigation" review

SSI: Sex Squad Investigation (2006)

Director: Thomas J. Moose
Writer: Andy Sawyer

Andy Alfrick ... Bob Jurunkle
Susie Best ... Hooker
Frank Bowdler ... President Shrub
John Paul Fedele ... John Honeysuckle
Angelina Havusinner ... Seductress
Natalie Heck ... Jessica Shrub
A.J. Khan ... Officer Katrina Lightbody
Lexi Martinez ... Christian Girl
Mckenzie Matthews ... Vice President
Thomas J. Moose ... Mickey Honeysuckle
It takes a man, not just any man mind you, but a man named Moose to bring the fun and sleaze back to Seduction Cinema. Thomas J Moose, not to be confused with Rocky J Squirrel, directs “Sex Squad Investigation” like someone who can’t get enough of watching pretty girls kiss each other. A Moose after my own heart.

“Sex Squad Investigation” is one of Seduction Cinema’s better softcore flicks. A film that revels in the joy of watching naked women suck each other’s nipples and lips. I ask you, isn’t this what fine cinema is all about? My man Moose thinks so. We are on the same wavelength.

So AJ Khan and her goofball partner are trying to track down a hot British seductress because sex is just not allowed anymore. They become tangled up in a mystery involving the president and his nympho daughter. Somehow the hot vice president, (Mckenzie Matthews AKA Caitlin Ross), is involved in the sex conspiracy but doesn’t partake in any of the carnal festivities. It’s up to AJ Khan to pick up the sex slack and wrap this ridiculous case up.

The first two sex scenes in “SSI” are top notch. The first scene had the British babe dressed in a nun outfit seducing a large breasted black woman. I was moved to tears during this scene for the extra effort to add a little mild kink to the softcore proceedings. The second sex scene had the temptress seducing a young blonde girl who was wearing a cheerleader outfit. This scene was also excellent as they couldn’t get enough of each other’s breasts and I couldn’t get enough of watching.

The rest of the movie was fairly standard. AJ Khan looked good but her sex scenes didn’t make me want to howl at the moon screaming her name as I usually do. But how about that vice president? Caitlin Ross has a great body with fantastic legs. Although she doesn’t have any sex scenes, she does get naked near the end and I’m a better man for it. Overall, I enjoyed this one. It’s worth a look.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot VP's

Saturday, September 22, 2007

"Naked and Betrayed" review

Naked and Betrayed (2004)

Director: Woquini Adams
Writers: Edward Gorsuch April White

August... Crystal
Robert Baldwin... Detective
Barrett Blade... Cory
Tucker Cain... Jason
Mandy Fisher... Claire
Frank Harper... Michael
Gina Ryder... Stephanie
Julian Wells... Talisa

What’s more shocking than Julian Wells having sex with a man? Julian Wells having sex with the same man twice! What madness is this?! My world has spun out of its orbit and is heading towards the sun. Nothing makes sense anymore. Late night cable is getting too scary to watch.

Well, it’s actually not that scary. I saw that Julian Wells was in another sex flick and it’s my duty, nay, my privilege to watch her do her thing. This time she’s “Naked and Betrayed”. Some guy is going to get married and Julian joins the party at some secluded house. Misty Mundae was nowhere to be found so Julian grabbed some surfer dude to get things rolling. After their first bedroom encounter, they followed that up with some shower action. I was hoping she was going to console the bride to be by showing her some of those Seduction Cinema tricks she’s learned but the bride wasn’t interested. Come to think of it, there wasn’t any lesbian sex in this movie at all. Julian was truly betrayed.

There was some idiotic story playing out in “Naked and Betrayed” but I ignored most of the betrayal so I could concentrate on the naked. Some guy cheated on his wife and people started accusing each other and there was a dead hooker and some other stuff happened that may have been interesting but I doubt it. What is interesting is that Mandy Fisher, (the bride), has a great body. I loved all of her sex scenes and she’ll make her husband very happy. The rest of the sex scenes were fair. “Naked and Betrayed” is a standard late night adventure. You don’t have to search for it but if it’s on and you need a Julian Wells fix, you could do worse.

One last thought, speaking as a Julian Wells sex scene connoisseur, I’ve got to say that her scenes with men are just not doing it for me. I think Mundae has spoiled her. Nothing has topped the gold standard for Julian carnal delight which was the fireplace scene in “Seduction of Misty Mundae”. I highly recommend you find that movie and rejoice in everything Julian has to offer. She’ll be naked and you won’t be betrayed.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 seduction of naked Julians

"Ninja Cheerleaders" review

Ninja Cheerleaders (2007)

Director: David Presley
Writer: David Presley

Trishelle Cannatella... Courtney
Ginny Weirick... April
Maitland McConnell... Monica
George Takei... Hiroshi
Michael Paré... Victor Lazzaro
Omar J. Dorsey... Manny
Max Perlich... Jimmy 'The Snitch'
Natasha Chang... Kinji
Larry Poindexter... Detective Harris

I went to a cast and crew screening of “Ninja Cheerleaders” the other day. I was invited to go by my usual B-movie plus one. This time however, I was the plus one and he was the man. We rolled down Melrose to check out the flick with about 150 or so of our closest friends. Actually, we didn’t know anyone there. It’s more fun that way. So when people stare at you and wonder why you’re there, you can give them that mysterious look as if you totally belong there and they should know who in the heck you are.

After the movie was over, we hopped in the car and headed to a club over on Sunset. This was the after party for the screening and the alcohol was flowing. Unfortunately, my friend hadn’t figured out where the free booze was and bought two drinks at the bar. Later we learned the hard truth about Hollywood liquor prices and tears were falling. But once we found where the secret VIP booze was, all became right with the world. We talked up many members of the cast and crew to discuss what fortunes ultimately await their movie.

After two Red Bull and Vodkas, the Ninja Cheerleaders came over and we began talking about some other things but my memory is a little bit hazy on the details. All I do know is that one of the Cheerleaders was totally into me. Wait…is that what happened or did she leave faster than the Roadrunner? Before I could dwell on the subject, a dancing fire show broke out. Yes, I said a dancing fire show. I saw a girl in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform shaking her hips while a burning hula hoop went round and round her body. Ahh, good times man.

One of the main selling points of “Ninja Cheerleaders” is Trishelle Cannatella. Unfortunately, this selling point was lost on me as I despise reality TV and would only know of her existence if I had seen one of her many shows on MTV. After watching the movie, I was interested in talking her up for a bit at the party. She wasn’t there. Another selling point of “Ninja Cheerleaders” was George Takei as the wise Hiroshi. Getting the chance to gab with Mr. Sulu would have been pretty cool. He wasn’t there either. Oh well. I’ll always have my “Ninja Cheerleader” memories.

Three babes are cheerleaders by day and ninjas any other time they’re not cheering. They’ve been studying hard to get into an Ivy League school and need to win the go-go dancing tournament to pay for it all. Of course they do. But their concentration gets broken when their wise master gets kidnapped by some B-movie thugs. They can’t decide if they should waste the bad guys or go ahead with their go-go dancing. They decide their master would have wanted them to gyrate on stage for their academic future. This is a wise man. It all ends with a lot of bone crunching swordplay with George Takei showing why he is the master.

“Ninja Cheerleaders” is a total B-movie. The title doesn’t lie to you. They have cheerleaders and they have ninjas. You will see cheering and you will see, uh, ninjaing.

It’s a fun flick with the girls alternating between dancing on stage, cheering at the big game or breaking many arms and legs of hapless punks. The camera work is pretty good for a B-flick as all of the action scenes are coherent and keep moving. There’s not a lot of sleaze in this flick but that’s on purpose. They were trying to keep a light tone and managed to hold it throughout the movie. As a sleaze maniac, I was hoping for a little nudity from the ninja babes but I guess I’ll live with what I got. Overall, I had a good time. “Ninja Cheerleaders” is worth a look.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 Ninja babes

Sunday, September 16, 2007

"The Brave One" review

The Brave One (2007)

Director:Neil Jordan
Writers: Roderick Taylor Bruce A. Taylor

Jodie Foster ... Erica Bain
Terrence Howard ... Detective Mercer
Nicky Katt ... Detective Vitale
Naveen Andrews ... David Kirmani
Mary Steenburgen... Carol
Ene Oloja ... Josai
Luis Da Silva Jr. ... Lee
Blaze Foster ... Cash
Rafael Sardina ... Reed

“The Brave One” is a B-revenge movie pretending to be an A-list moral drama. It tries to show the scars vigilante justice leaves on your soul. There are many award winning names that spring out from the credits to try to convince you that this is more than just a “Death Wish” rip-off. Jodie Foster, Terrence Howard and Neil Jordan all team up to try to make the revenge fantasy genre respectable. But then another name shows up in the credits and lets you know that you’re in solid mainstream entertainment hands. Producer Joel Silver can bankroll pretty much anything he wants and he wanted Jodie Foster to blast some punks in NYC. Oh sure, she gets to cry now and again but what’s important here is that we get to see her have her cathartic healing process by blowing large holes in some New York scum.

Girls with guns have a long and proud tradition in B-cinema. Who could forget Zoë Lund in “Ms .45”?Zoë also took the fight to the NYC bad guys by letting them know whose running things when they taste the business end of her .45. Jodie Foster follows in Zoë’s footsteps by brandishing a 9mm so she can take out the trash.

Jodie and her fiancé, (of course he is), are walking through the park one night, deeply in love, and about to be beaten to a pulp. Foster survives the assault but her true love dies horribly. NOOOOOOO!!! Foster won’t stand for it. She is reluctant at first to give in to her inner Zoë but then her bloodlust gets the best of her. A good cop, (Howard), is on the case of the vigilante and starts eyeing Foster as a possible suspect. Could she be the 9mm killer and will he be able to stop her? Not likely. Once Foster embarks down the path of violence, nothing can stop her descent into her own personal Hell. Why should she stop when it feels so good?!

“The Brave One” attempts to show how wanton acts of violence can tear away at your soul. Every night Jodie scours the city looking for new criminals to shoot. After each killing, Foster wrestles with the moral dilemma of randomly murdering scumbags. In the theater I was sitting in, the message that “violence will scar you” was lost in hoots and hollers of perverse joy every time Foster unloaded her gun into some lowlife’s body. Jodie seemed to be having fun each night even if she regretted doing it in the morning. The revenge fantasy audience loved it too.

“The Brave One” wants it both ways. It wants to give in to the pleasure of seeing some dirtbag get what’s coming to him but then it tries to slap you in the face by showing how torn up Foster is over her killing spree. The problem is that Foster’s cure for her murder blues is to go out again and send another punk to his grave. Jodie never gets tired of killing and we never get tired of seeing her take back the night.

I enjoyed “The Brave One”. I love girls with guns movies and seeing Jodie mow down some NYC scum is what good times are made of. Jodie Foster is a great actress and only someone of her acting ability could make this movie halfway respectable. But sooner or later the rules of the revenge fantasy genre will drag Jodie to the bloody payoff scenes the audience is expecting. She knows what has to be done. Crime doesn’t pay when you mess with a well armed Foster.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Ms. 9mm's

Friday, September 07, 2007

"Hatchet" review

Hatchet (2006)

Director: Adam Green
Writer: Adam Green

Joel Moore... Ben
Tamara Feldman... Marybeth
Deon Richmond... Marcus
Mercedes McNab... Misty
Kane Hodder... Victor Crowley/Mr. Crowley
Parry Shen... Shawn
Joleigh Fioreavanti... Jenna
Joel Murray... Shapiro

I saw this one at the Arclight in Hollywood. A bunch of college kids are in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. One of the guys gets bored with staring at naked breasts and wants to take a haunted swamp tour. This fool is in the right movie. Soon a gaggle of potential victims ends up in a murky swamp where a vicious killer resides. Victor Crowley despises other living things in his swamp and wants to take a hatchet to all of them.

“Hatchet” bills itself as “Old School American Horror”. I can now roughly translate that to mean: “Blood-splatter comedy”. When I first heard of this movie, I thought it would be a return to the vicious slasher flicks from the 80’s. But “Hatchet” is more interested in letting you cheer on the excessive blood spilling than in trying to scare you. There are plenty of gore scenes but they’re all done for laughs. This movie was designed for horror fans to watch with their buddies so that they can root for Crowley to hack off as many limbs as possible.

“Hatchet” is an entertaining horror flick. It’s not $11.00 at the Arclight entertaining but it’s worth a rental. There’s nothing original going on in “Hatchet” but that’s the point. It’s meant to let horror fans revel in the “old school” joys of watching a woman get her face ripped apart by a power saw and then watching another fool get hacked to death with a shovel. Ahh, the good old days. “Hatchet” is a proud B-movie which revels in its lowbrow nature. It shoots low and scores.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hatchet hilarity

"Bad Reputation" review

Bad Reputation (2005)

Director: Jim Hemphill
Writer: Jim Hemphill

Angelique Hennessy... Michelle
Jerad Anderson... Aaron
Danielle Noble... Wendy
Mark Kunzman... Jake
Kristina Conzen... Heather
Dakota Ferreiro ... Debbie
Chris Basler ... Steve
Jennifer Holloway ... Carol Johnson

I saw “Bad Reputation” over at a friend’s house. It was time for a B-movie party and “Bad Reputation” seemed to fit the bill. So the pizza was ordered, the beer was passed around and all seemed right with the world. Pizza and beer is the backbone of any successful B-movie night and we had all the pieces we needed. I also brought over my GUITAR HERO: ROCK THE 80’s video game in the slight chance that “Bad Reputation” did not deliver the entertainment payoff we were all hoping for. There was much guitar playing this night.

“Bad Reputation” is about a student film masquerading as a horror flick. A blonde girl gets picked on for daring to be attractive around the popular girls. She gets gang raped during a party and the rumors start flying. The rumor is that the movie is going to start now. Sure enough, the blonde starts dressing provocatively and leading fools to their death. She embraces her bad reputation and lets her inner psychotic skank shine. It all leads to the climatic party scene where some vaguely interesting things happen, the movie ends and then we started playing Guitar Hero.

“Bad Reputation” is a low budget exercise in the “rape and revenge” genre. It trudges along from point A to point B exactly as you expect. The problem is that it’s just not entertaining enough to force yourself to trudge along with it. “Bad Reputation” can be skipped. There’s barely any blood and absolutely no nudity. You’d think a gang rape scene would force the rapists to take off her clothes but they didn’t need to since they preferred humping with their blue jeans on. Of course they do. It’s cheaper that way.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Guitar Heroes with bad reputations

Monday, September 03, 2007

"Halloween" review

Halloween (2007)

Director: Rob Zombie
Writers Rob Zombie John Carpenter

Malcolm McDowell... Dr. Samuel Loomis
Brad Dourif... Sheriff Lee Brackett
Tyler Mane... Michael Myers
Daeg Faerch... Michael Myers, age 10
Sheri Moon... Deborah Myers (as Sheri Moon Zombie)
William Forsythe... Ronnie White
Richard Lynch... Principal Chambers
Udo Kier... Morgan Walker
Clint Howard... Doctor Koplenson
Danny Trejo... Ismael Cruz
Scout Taylor-Compton... Laurie Strode
Dee Wallace... Cynthia Strode
Sybil Danning... Nurse Wynn
Micky Dolenz... Derek Allen
Sid Haig... Chester Chesterfield
Michael Myers was a redneck. This is the big revelation in Rob Zombie’s “Halloween”. Michael grew up in a house full of white trash clichés and couldn’t wait to butcher them all. The other big revelation in “Halloween” is that Zombie is a fiend of the 70’s and cannot let it go. Much like his cinematic partner in crime Quentin Tarantino, Zombie loves and cherishes the B-movies from his youth and wants the world to know it so he packs his movie with a smorgasbord of horror icons. His films are reruns with people and places we’ve seen before going through the paces in the never ending B-movie playing in his head.

John Carpenter’s “Halloween” is a classic horror movie that cannot be duplicated. It is one of the few horror movies that I would consider a genuinely scary movie. Why someone would even try to remake it is a testament to Hollywood’s greed and stupidity. Although I have heard that this is technically a “re-imagining” of Carpenter’s movie but that rings false as various scenes are lifted straight out of the original movie.Although Zombie did have the common sense to not try to out do Jamie Lee Curtis. This version’s Laurie Strode has nothing on Curtis. The original “Halloween” focused on Strode’s Halloween night face-off against boogeyman Myers. Zombie’s version focuses on Michael Myers and his brutal blood lust. Zombie plays to his strengths.

Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” is the slaughterhouse version of “Halloween”. It’s the movie that tries to make us understand why Michael was a tortured soul and loved butchering people for our viewing pleasure. The back story of Michael Myers is the only thing Zombie adds to the movie and it’s completely unnecessary. Do we really need to understand the slasher and his wicked ways? In real life we do but in a slasher flick the fear of the unknown is what makes the movie scary. That’s what makes the killer’s mask work so well because we don’t know what hideous evil is hiding behind it. Thanks to Rob Zombie, now we do! And so now we know that Michael is a dumb hick who kills people. Thanks to Zombie for making Michael Myers a little less scary.

But if it’s one thing Zombie knows how to do, it’s spill the blood and guts. Myers goes about his hacking and slashing in a deadly serious manner. Zombie doesn’t have much of a sense of humor about horror flicks and prefers to show the gruesome killings as harshly as possible. Zombie’s “Halloween” certainly delivers the gore and there were one or two scenes I jumped at.

If Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” was just another sequel in the “Halloween” franchise, (which is really what it is), it would be a decent, bloody time killer. But comparing this version to Carpenter’s movie is no contest. John Carpenter’s “Halloween” blows this one away. Zombie needs to stop fantasizing over his drive-in double feature past and try to make something new. He explicitly understands the horror and exploitation movie trigger points and can crank out the blood and guts as well as anyone. But it’s time to let the 70’s go and move on. Although I was glad that someone finally found a use for Rush’s “Tom Sawyer”. I love that song. I also loved seeing Sybil Danning again. Well, maybe not all of the 70’s needs to be let go.
SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 mean mean Myers