Friday, June 30, 2006

"Killer Rats" review

Killer Rats (2003)
AKA Rats

Directed by Tibor Takács
Writing credits Jace Anderson Adam Gierasch

Sara Downing.... Samantha/Jennifer
Amy Parks.... Maureen
Bailey Chase.... Johnny Falls

Mighty cheap. Rats are crawling through the rehab center yet no one seems to notice. People start disappearing. No one cares. One of the patients is going to get to the bottom of this. Seems the rats and the janitor have a secret. Cheap rat carnage ensues.

Someone brought their Commodore 64 out of storage, dusted it off, saved up their allowance and made these rat effects. The rats looked pretty bad. They had lots of little rats and one big rat. The big guy moved like a komodo dragon. It wasn't convincing. Or good.

Another tactical error was to kill the girl with the largest breasts first. Come to think of it, there wasn't any nudity at all. Another error. Why even set a giant rat movie in a rehab center anyway? I know the classic B-movie setup is to keep the action in one setting but surely they could have picked a better place to party with rodents.

There was a little blood near the end but it was too late. The movie had gone the way of so many cheap B-movie's before it. Dropkicked into the garbage.


Thursday, June 29, 2006

"McBain" review

McBain (1991)

Directed by James Glickenhaus
Writing credits James Glickenhaus

Chick Vennera.... Santos
Michael Ironside.... Frank Bruce
Christopher Walken.... McBain

I bought this one from Blockbuster for three bucks. The title "McBain" instantly made me think about the McBain character from "The Simpsons". In the various clips they showed on the show, McBain was always trying to take down Latin drug kingpin Mendoza. "MEEEENNNNDDDOOOOOZZAA!!" I was hoping Walken was going to do a Schwarzenegger impersonation while gunning down insane amounts of Colombians. Well, there's no Arnold impersonation but Walken does get the lead out. Of his machine gun that is.

This is a ridiculous B-action movie. When you see Walken hanging out in the jungles of Colombia wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you'll be laughing. Walken is asked to come to Colombia to settle some scores. His old army buddy was killed there and Walken decides he owes him a violent revolution. So a handful of guys take on the Colombian army. It's a B-movie war.

If you're into insane B-movie body counts and idiotic action scenes, you'll get into this one. If you need more coherence and logic in your action flicks, steer clear.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 McBains!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

"Ocean's Twelve" review

Ocean's Twelve (2004)

Directed by Steven Soderbergh
Writing credits George Clayton Johnson Jack Golden Russell

Brad Pitt.... Rusty Ryan
Catherine Zeta-Jones.... Isabel Lahiri
George Clooney.... Danny Ocean
Julia Roberts.... Tess Ocean

What a lineup. You've got George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts, and Catherine Zeta Jones in a Steven Soderbergh film. Oh man. It's got to be good. The A-list went to Europe and made a home movie. See all your favorite movie stars do absolutely nothing. See them goof off in Europe under the pretense of making a movie. Better yet, don't see this one.

"Ocean's Twelve" is a sorry sequel to "Ocean's Eleven". This one is more of a celebrity love fest than an actual movie. I can think of one crucial element that was missing from this movie. Oh, I don't know. How about a heist to go with your heist movie? Oh yeah. They must have forgotten about that. It just wasn't that important when you have so many movie stars wandering around the screen. It's enough just to film their presence.

Well, actually it isn't. So Clooney and friends have to pay back Andy Garcia for all the money they stole in the first flick. The gang head to Europe to plan some heists. They plan and plan but Europe is just not as much fun to steal from as Vegas. Their hearts weren't into it so they just fumbled around Italy and had some laughs. "Ocean's Twelve" is not "Ocean's Eleven".

While the first flick was an enjoyable heist movie, this sequel is a shameless, lame brained dud. They paraded their movie stars in front of the camera in the hopes that something interesting would happen. No such luck.

Skip this turkey.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 wasted celebrities

Monday, June 26, 2006

"Fahrenheit 9/11" review

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

Directed by Michael Moore
Writing credits Michael Moore

George W. Bush.... Himself (archive footage)
James Baker III.... Himself - Former Secretary of State (archive footage)
Richard Gephardt.... Himself - Congressman (archive footage)
Tom Daschle.... Himself - Senator (archive footage)
Al Gore.... Himself - U.S. Vice President and Senate President (archive footage)
Condoleezza Rice.... Herself - National Security Advisor (archive footage)
Donald Rumsfeld.... Himself (archive footage)
Saddam Hussein.... Himself (archive footage)

There is one inescapable truth to be gleaned from "Fahrenheit 9/11" and it's this: Michael Moore despises George W. Bush. This documentary was created with only one purpose in mind and that is to derail any chance Bush has of being reelected. If Bush does win in November, this documentary will be a failure. If Bush loses, I wonder how much credit Moore will give himself for Bush's defeat. He would probably deserve a little credit.

If Michael Moore can't score front row seats to the Democratic National Convention then no one can. "Fahrenheit 9/11" is about George W. Bush and why Moore thinks he's a dangerously incompetent buffoon. It chronicles his life of privilege and excess. It explores every possible connection that he has to the Saudi government and wonders if Bush and co. have more interest in keeping the Saudi's happy, (making sure the Bin Laden family got on a plane for Saudi Arabia, etc.) than in keeping America safe. As you may surmise, Moore has made up his mind and decides to attack Bush with all of the film-making power at his disposal.

So Michael Moore declares jihad against Bush. Is there anything to it? Yes. There are two points that validate Moore's film. Moore makes the argument that the Iraq war was completely unnecessary and Bush made a fatal error in starting it. He may turn out to be right. As I write this comment, Iraq is completely on fire. There is no letup in the amount of attacks. If one were able to see the future of Iraq, what would you see? All I see is more chaos and destruction for years to come. Was it worth it? Sure, Saddam Hussein was knocked out. So now what? What will Iraq look like in November when Bush is pushing for four more years? Will the Shiites, Sunnis, Wahabis, Kurds, Turkmens, al-Qaeda and the U.S. all be holding hands singing GIVE PEACE A CHANCE? Not likely.

The second point that gives "Fahrenheit 9/11" some weight is the fact that Osama Bin Laden is still at large. This is the single greatest failure of Bush's presidency. Bush likes to write Bin Laden off as a marginalized figure who can't do much from the tribal lands of Pakistan or wherever that dirtbag is hiding. That is what the government said when he was hanging out in Afghanistan in the 1990's. The fact is that one man can and does make a difference. Killing Osama Bin Laden should be the first thing on the agenda. Osama has got to go. So where's Osama? Who knows? My guess is somewhere on the border with Pakistan and Afghanistan. You would probably need 100,000 troops to invade those tribal lands to put Bin Laden's head on a stick. Bin Laden is worth the effort. Does Bush really care about finding him? I don't know.

The sad truth about 9/11, the Iraq war, and the fruitless search for Bin Laden is that we'll never know the real truth. Unless you're sitting in the halls of power in Washington or planning massive attacks with Bin Laden, you will never know what goes on in the real world. All normal people know, (like me), is what the government and the media tells us. We base our opinions on incomplete facts. "Fahrenheit 9/11" is not THE TRUTH. It is Moore's opinion of George W. Bush and that opinion is mighty low. It is a timely documentary that should be seen by all voters. Moore is trying to get voters to run Bush out of office. Will he succeed? Time will tell. At the end of the movie, Moore lets Bush do the talking for him: "There's a saying in Texas, Fool me once....shame on you. Fool me twice....well you're not going to fool me twice."

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 George W.Bushes

Sunday, June 25, 2006

"Sexual Matrix" review

Sexual Matrix (2000)
AKA Sex Files: Sexual Matrix

Directed by Udo Blass

Jason Schnuit.... Ken
Mia Zottoli.... Stacy Lovejoy (as Mia)
Michelle Hall.... Diane Shields/Cybergirl
Elizabeth Patrick.... Katherine Tramell
Amber Newman.... Monica
Regina Russell.... Tracie

"Sexual Matrix" is about a matrix that is sexual. A horny professor decides to ask his students all about their sexual fantasies. Of course he does. So while they're describing their wildest dreams, he plugs them into his matrix machine and it lets them live out their fantasies. It seems so real! Mia Zottoli shows up to assist the professor in his quest to know what turns the whole campus on.

I rented "Sexual Matrix" as part of my quest to see every Mia Zottoli movie ever made. Unfortunately, this flick was made before she became busty Ava Lake. There was less of her to love. As a Zottoli flick, "Sexual Matrix" was disappointing. Her only sex scene is at the end. She's on some cheap futuristic set that looks like it came right out of "Tron". The camera spins around the action until the viewer gets nauseous. Suffice to say, "Sexual Matrix" is not a must see for Zottoli fans.

As a skin flick, "Sexual Matrix" is fair. It really doesn't try to be much of a movie. It goes something like this: Student walks in, starts talking about sex, their fantasies power up the matrix and a sex scene follows. That's it. There were some fair scenes but none really stand out. "Sexual Matrix" doesn't need to be seen but it won't kill you if you wind up watching it. I mean, it's got a little Mia Zottoli action so it can't be all bad.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cyber Mias

"The Seductress" review

The Seductress (2000)

Directed by J. Edie Martin
Writing credits J. Edie Martin

Shauna O'Brien.... Alexis Baxter
Gabriella Hall.... Kay Sanders

I bought this video for two bucks. Shauna O'Brien is a scheming seductress who likes to marry men and then kill them. Gabriella Hall is a researcher who is hot on her trail. Gabriella goes undercover to catch her. The two of them eventually meet and start fighting over the same rich guy. If you're looking for a further plot description of "The Seductress", I suggest reading the back of the video box which gleefully ruins the entire movie. It spells out every plot point including the surprising and ridiculous twist ending. You know what I say? Who cares about the story anyway? Let's talk about what's really important. Let's talk about the women.

Shauna O'Brien. I saw her in a couple of B-flicks, "Baberellas" and "Survivors Exposed", before watching this one. She was good in both although she didn't have any sex scenes. Now that I've seen her in multiple sex scenes in "The Seductress", I only have one thing to say. Bravo! More! Encore! O'Brien has a very tight body with fantastic breasts. She has short black hair, which is not a favorite hairstyle of mine, but it works well on her. It's her signature look. The best scene in the movie had her slinking into bed with the rich guy. Nothing too wild about it but I sure like the way she moves.

Gabriella Hall. She's a pleasant enough performer. Apparently I've seen a lot of movies she was in but I would be lying if I said she really stood out. Nondescript would be the best way to describe her. She has nice breasts attached to a nice body. So she's nice. She's got plenty of sex scenes in this one. The best was when she was in the hot tub with the rich guy while Shauna took pictures.

So forget about the ridiculous story and watch "The Seductress" for the hot women and the hot sex they make. It made me stand up and notice Shauna O'Brien and Gabriella Hall. I'm so glad it did.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 seductive Shaunas

"Boa vs Python" review

Boa vs. Python (2004)

Directed by David Flores
Writing credits Chase Parker Sam Wells

David Hewlett.... Emmett
Jaime Bergman.... Monica
Kirk B.R. Woller.... Agent Sharpe

Dr. Gore.... creature film advisor - (I have no idea how this credit got on the IMDb. Thanks to whoever put it up.)

I was in contact with the director of "Boa vs. Python" throughout the process of making this movie. He had emailed me in the hopes that I could shed some light on what monster movie fans like to see in their monster movies. This was his first directing effort and he wanted it to be a good one. I told him that the difference between a good creature flick and a bad one comes down to the creature itself. The monster should be vicious and love to kill people at all times. Ambiguity can kill these kinds of flicks when you have a beast that turns out to actually be a good creature and is just misunderstood. So remember to make the monster EVIL so that the audience can scream with joy when it is blown to bits.

A little time went by and he emailed me again. He had a script for "Boa vs. Python". Did I want to read it? Sure, I said. I received a script right away and was excited about what I had read. There were monster fights and plenty of nudity. I especially liked the subway snake fight scene and suggested some possible fighting shots for it. He thanked me for the ideas and went off to Bulgaria to make the movie.

A couple of months later, he emailed me again. This time he had a rough cut assembled and was wondering if I wanted to take a look at it. Again, I said yes. So he sent me the rough cut and a sweatshirt that had "Boa vs. Python" written on it. The rough cut was very interesting. All the snake special effects were missing and would be filled in later. Whenever a snake was supposed to be doing something, there would just be commands typed into the movie like, "Snake crawls out of sewer" or "Snakes fighting". I thought it looked like a solid B-movie.

Unfortunately, the one thing I realized as I was looking over the script and then the rough cut was that money was a problem. The whole movie depended on the snake effects. If they were convincing, the movie would be good. They could only afford one big snake fight and that was at the very end. They also cut out a crucial scene where the snake attacks some teens in a car and is able to lick the girl's nipple. Giant forked tongue action would have been classic. Instead, the snake just shakes up the car. Also, as I was looking over the credits, the main star of the movie had been in many Playboy videos and yet does not get naked in the movie. This made me sad as well.

In a nutshell, there is nothing wrong with "Boa vs. Python" that a few million bucks couldn't have solved. Giant snake goes on a rampage and Dr. Babe hunts it down with another giant snake. It zips right along and gives you as much B-movie bang as it can afford. I could have gone for some more monster fighting and more gratuitous nudity but that's probably true of most movies I watch. The snake effects weren't the best in the world but I was satisfied. It's worth a look. Just make sure to watch the video version. More breasts and blood. Yeah. That's what it's all about.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 giant snakes fighting

"The Kid Stays in the Picture" review

The Kid Stays in the Picture (2002)

Directed by Nanette Burstein Brett Morgen
Writing credits Robert Evans Brett Morgen

Robert Evans.... Himself - Narrator (also archive footage)

"The Kid Stays in the Picture" is a documentary about a guy who was really lucky. Then he wasn't so lucky. Then he was again. He was/is a producer/studio head/actor/party animal/super stud etc. It's a documentary that proves that people can never be truly happy. They can never be content. It is never enough. For Robert Evans, the mountain top was his home. He didn't handle it well when he was booted off. So he climbed it again. It was the top of Mount Evans or nothing.

Evans, (as he likes to refer to himself), knows that he's led a blessed life. He makes a string of classic films and life is sweet. Unfortunately, his Love Story comes crashing down as he loses Ali MacGraw because he was too busy being Evans. No problem for Evans though. He bounces back. No matter what calamity befalls him, he's right back. Then the 80's rear its head and it's a steep drop.

Maybe I've seen too many confessional pieces where people wallow in self-pity. I just can't shed a tear for heartbroken millionaires. Evans is treated badly after "The Cotton Club" and he gets down on life. This is where the documentary lost me. The 70's had the great Hollywood anecdotes. The 80's were pure misery, for Evans and for this viewer. I'm glad Evans bounced back again to go on to produce "Jade". Now there was a good sleazy film. But to sit there and listen to this guy go on about how depressed he was turned me cold. Grown men weeping will kill any flick. Evans should know that.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Evans

Saturday, June 24, 2006

"Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" review

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Directed by Gore Verbinski
Writing credits Ted Elliott Terry Rossio

Johnny Depp.... Jack Sparrow
Geoffrey Rush.... Barbossa
Orlando Bloom.... Will Turner
Keira Knightley.... Elizabeth Swann

I had low expectations for this one. A movie based on a Disney theme park ride reeked of desperation. The trailer didn't help me either. "You want pain? Try wearing a corset!" Ah ha ha ehhh. My brother saw it and said it was fantastic. He wanted to see it again. This is a guy who only goes to the movie theater if the movie really excites him. The last flick he saw in the theater was "The Two Towers". So I went with his advice and saw it with him.

Upon arriving in the theater, I noticed the crowd was made up of mostly little kids. This was the first warning sign that I was at the wrong movie. Then came the coming attractions. After seeing trailers for "Brother Bear" and "Freaky Friday", I was sweating bullets. I started envisioning a movie in which pirates were singing and dancing to "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" while families floated by on rides taking pictures. Happily, the movie surprised me.

"Pirates of the Caribbean" is a ton of fun. There are three reasons. One, the immense amount of sword fighting action. The movie's motto: When in doubt, add a sword fight. Two, Johnny Depp. He is hilarious as Capt. Sparrow. He was born to play a pirate. I could go for the continued adventures of Capt. Sparrow. Three, the ghoul/zombie angle for the pirates. If they were just normal pirates kidnapping a pretty girl, the movie would not have been half as cool as it was. The special effects were outstanding. Geoffrey Rush was also very good.

"Pirates of the Caribbean" is a really fun movie. Well worth seeing. I had a lot of little kids babbling and having to go to the bathroom at my theater. Maybe I need to see it again too.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 pirate Depps

Looking forward to more Knightley adventures with Captain Jack.

Friday, June 23, 2006

"Virtual Encounters 2" review

Virtual Encounters 2 (1998)

Directed by Cybil Richards
Writing credits Lucas Riley

Ethan Hunt.... Mel
John Roberts.... Sam
Brandy Davis.... Ginger
Jill Tompkins.... Diane
Nikki Fritz.... Biker/Worker
Chrissey Styler.... Stripper/Worker

Gentlemen, I give you Nikki Fritz. Her body is a work of art. How many hours of sculpting and molding go into making her body as tight as it is? It's truly mind boggling. There are plenty of hot women in movies like this but she stands tall above the rest. I'm going to petition Congress to have her body declared a national monument. Nikki Fritz, I salute you.

"Virtual Encounters 2" is the tale of two cyber pimps and the virtual reality machine they adore. They charge their fellow students a fee for letting them live out their wildest fantasies. Seems reasonable. Nikki Fritz shows up for two cyber fantasies. The first one has her riding some guy on a motorcycle. The other one has her in a girl/girl/guy scene with some fellow construction workers. Both of these scenes are excellent and take full advantage of Fritz in sweaty motion.

The only problem with this flick is that all of the sex scenes are shot like a rock video. Music blasts over every scene. So we never get to hear Fritz and friends say one single word, groan or anything audible during sex. I'm sure she would have added some sweet music of her own if someone had just turned down the stereo. Otherwise, "Virtual Encounters 2" is just what the doctor ordered for a Nikki Fritz fix.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for Fritz, Fritz, Fritz and of course, Nikki Fritz

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

"The Order" review

The Order (2003)

Directed by Brian Helgeland
Writing credits Brian Helgeland

Heath Ledger.... Alex Bernier
Shannyn Sossamon.... Mara Sinclair
Benno Fürmann.... William Eden
Mark Addy.... Thomas Garrett
Peter Weller.... Driscoll

Someone must have read an article on Sin Eating and thought, "Hey, this would make a cool movie." Little did they know that the act of one man eating a piece of demon filled bread off of another man's chest holds little entertainment value.

Celibacy is a complete mystery to Hollywood. They cannot fathom why any man would want to give up sex when there are so many beautiful, beautiful women. Celibacy is almost blasphemous to Hollywood. It goes against everything they believe in. Therefore any priest in a movie must be conflicted\confused\distraught over his lack of female companionship. When I saw the princess from "A Knight's Tale" show up, I knew this priest wasn't going to last long on the Celibacy bandwagon.

So "The Order" is another in a long line of hokey, Catholic Church bashing flicks pretending to be a horror thriller. Unfortunately, I saw little horror and almost no thrills. About midway through this movie I had to stop and ask myself: What the heck is this about? Is the priest investigating his mentor's death? Or does he want to jump the hot mental patient? And who are these guys with the hoods on their heads? The filmmakers must have shared my confusion because there were a lot of supernatural scenes that felt like they were added simply to give the rest of the flick a horror boost.

The real point of "The Order" is to give the audience an overview on how to be a Sin Eater. See, you eat a piece of bread off of a sinner's chest. Then you sprinkle a little salt on it for demonic flavor and chow down on his sins. This lets the sinner get into heaven if the Catholic Church won't let him. It's a Sin Eating loophole. The filmmakers should have stopped and asked themselves, "Is that it? Have we got anything else but delicious sin eating?" The answer is no but they went ahead and made a movie anyway. Unless you are dying to see Sin Eating, I would avoid this one. The filmmakers were very confused about what kind of movie they wanted to make. You will be too.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 priests making a move on a hot woman

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

"Sabretooth" review

Sabretooth (2002)

Directed by James D.R. Hickox
Writing credits Scott Vandiver Tom Woosley

David Keith.... Bob Thatcher
Vanessa Angel.... Catherine Viciy

A sabretooth tiger gets loose in the woods. It's hungry. Famished. Hasn't eaten in centuries. It spots the usual gaggle of teens hiking and decides to chow down. A hunting party is formed to find it. The hot supermodel scientist, (aren't all geniuses beautiful?), demands that it be caught alive while the main hunter wants to take the sabretooth to the taxidermist. OOOHHH...Tension.

This was a pretty efficient B-movie. They set the situation up quick: Monster, victims, woods. The sabretooth went to work on everybody. I enjoyed myself. There were two problems though. One, speaking as a horny lover of B-sleaze, I found it particularly depressing that there wasn't any unnecessary T&A. Many bosoms were heaving under tight T-shirts and yet no one felt the need to go skinny dipping. Shame. Second, the sabretooth digital effects were awful. I didn't once think that that was a sabretooth running around. The sabretooth looked like he escaped from a cartoon. The close ups of his head were all right but any scenes of the sabretooth in motion reeked of cheapness.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cartoon sabretooths

Sunday, June 18, 2006

"Gargoyle" review

Gargoyle (2004)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Ion Ionescu A.G. Lawrence

Michael Paré .... Ty "Griff" Griffin
Sandra Hess .... Jennifer Wells
Fintan McKeown .... Father Nikolai Soren

The CIA has their hands full with a high profile kidnapping. Special Agent Gargoyle comes to the rescue. Anytime there was any trouble, a shootout on a rooftop for example, the Gargoyle would swoop down in the nick of time. He was a very patriotic monster. Here to serve. And eat lots of people. Soon the CIA will hunt it down as priests and Gargoyles do battle over the fate of the entire world. Exciting eh?

"Gargoyle" is a B-movie all the way. It throws in all the clichés it can. Car chases, spies, shootouts and a large computer generated Gargoyle. As these things go, "Gargoyle" wasn't too bad. It didn't make me want to kill myself. So that's a good thing. I was a little surprised that there wasn't any nudity. One of the CIA agents was a babe as was another doctor character. Agent Babe and Dr. Hot stuff. Clearly, this was the one B-movie element that was missing. The Gargoyle was flying around buck naked but it wasn't as satisfying.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Gargoyles

"Boogeyman" review

Boogeyman (2005)

Directed by Stephen T. Kay
Writing credits Eric Kripke

Barry Watson.... Tim
Emily Deschanel.... Kate Houghton

So this guy fears the Boogeyman. He thinks his dad was snatched by him when he was a kid. Years later, he still hasn't gotten over it. His fear of dark closets and scary rooms hasn't changed. So what does he do about his Boogeyman phobia? He moves to the darkest, scariest, most remote house in the world. Good move slick. This excites the Boogeyman and the rest of the movie consists of loud noises and things that go blah in the night.

"Boogeyman" is a good example of how not to make a horror movie. It's very important in horror flicks to have the movie based around the monster. "Boogeyman" focuses on the main hero and his attempts to defeat his childhood fears. We get to see this guy sneaking up on dark closets throughout most of the movie. So where was the Boogeyman hiding? He was a hard monster to get a hold of. Our hero climbs under beds and jumps into closets to flush him out but the Boogeyman is pretty elusive. He's a very shy creature.

So I'm sitting there waiting for something to happen but it never does. Nothing happens in this movie. The scariest scene has a bird doing a divebomb into the guy's windshield. When a bird in a windshield is the best thing you can say about a movie, it's got problems. Why couldn't the Boogeyman have attacked some other people? Why couldn't the Boogeyman have done anything? There's no blood, gore, death, nudity or any other element associated with horror flicks. It would be best to go boogie over to your local video store and rent a better movie which won't be hard to do.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 dark closets

"Hell's Highway" review

Hell's Highway (2002)

Directed by Jeff Leroy
Writing credits Jeff Leroy

Phoebe Dollar.... Lucindia Polonia
Kiren David.... Sarah
Jonathan Gray.... Chris
Hank Horner.... Eric
Beverly Lynne.... Monique
Ron Jeremy.... Jack

I bought this video for four bucks. Four friends hit the devil's interstate. They pick up a female hitchhiker with funky eyes. Those eyes bewitch the travelers and the viewer. She may be the devil, or psychotic, or both. Much blood will be spilled to find the truth.

I bought this video because I saw that Ron Jeremy was in it. For some reason, I thought he would be the devil but the hedgehog only stays around for one scene. If you know what Jeremy is famous for, you'll know what to expect. He's a pretty good actor. I always like to see him in other kinds of flicks. I was not disappointed.

"Hell's Highway" is gory stuff. Not scary, but nice and gory. I was laughing my head off at some of the nastiness. The funniest thing in this one is watching Lucinda, (Phoebe Dollar), attack. She is not athletic at all so watching her run at a moving car with a shovel was quite amusing. It put the SPLAT in splatter. Her carcass being dragged behind the car was also humorous. In other good news, Beverly Lynne provides all of the abundant nudity. What a trooper she is.

Overall, I was entertained. Isn't that what it's all about? The blood, the guts, the's all ours...

SCORE: 2 out of 4 funky evil eyes

"Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil" review

Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002)

Directed by Tammi Sutton
Writing credits Douglas Snauffer Tammi Sutton

Trent Haaga.... Killjoy
Logan Alexander.... Lt. Harris Redding
Debbie Rochon.... Denise Martinez

This one was odd because I was actually interested in the movie up until the moment Killjoy showed up. Once the demonic clown was in the picture, the movie didn't know what to do with him and limped along until the end. Wayward teens head to the woods and get stranded. Through a series of events, Killjoy is summoned and proceeds to do a lot of goofy, uninteresting things.

The main problem with this movie, and the whole series, is that Killjoy is not funny. He is annoying and his kills are lame. I never could figure out exactly what his powers are. He seems to be able to do just about anything. He is the master of all matter.

So he shows up, does his stuff and then they don't know how to get rid of him. The ending is ultra weak and the movie comes to a screeching halt. The clown made me cry.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 lame clowns

Saturday, June 17, 2006

"Busty Cops 2" review

Busty Cops 2 (2006)

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Glori-Anne Gilbert
J. Nichole Italiano-Zaza (as Nikki Nova)
Aimee Sweet

You know how some movies are described as “Critic proof”? Well, “Busty Cops 2” is a living, breathing example of that saying. The very idea of me writing a review for this movie is completely ridiculous. “Busty Cops 2” is a non-stop marathon of naked women, softcore sex and bad jokes aimed at a horny eighth grade mentality or anyone still sober enough at midnight who wants to watch some hot women get naked on Skinamax. In recognition of this reality, I have had two tequila shots and am chugging a beer as I write this. “Busty Cops 2” deserves my full attention. This joke of a movie has now inspired my first ALL PICTURE REVIEW! I, (like the filmmakers), know what you want! Screw the plot! Bring on the women!!

The bustiest of Busty Cops: Glori Anne Gilbert. I was glad to see that they didn't try to force Miss Gilbert into bed with some of the other Busty Cops. Her dislike for sapphic delights is pretty obvious. "Busty Cops 2" plays to her strengths. Lots of stripping and showering. Well done. See what I mean? She's flexible for a big woman. She towers over the other Busty Cops.

And I mean towers. Dominates. Looms large. She's huge! In all areas.

Glori-Anne likes what she sees. There's no doubt she belongs on the Busty Cops.
I like what I see. I will chug the rest of my beer to salute this picture.
It just wouldn't be a Wynorksi flick without the mighty Jay Richardson. Jay runs the Busty Cop squad. He has them investigating a couple of train robberies and a missing whale and ahh what difference does it make? I'm glad Jay is on the case but what's important here are the ladies. And the most important woman of all, the VIP, has got to be...
Nikki Nova! Nova is out of this world hot. I'm talking supernova! The way she moves, the way she pouts, the way she does, well, pretty much anything.
Oh and the way she snaps her hair back. I love that. I've always liked brunettes more than blondes. Nova seals the deal. Although for some reason Hollywood is obsessed with shoving blondes into these movies as much as humanly possible. Nova has them all beat.

She even looks hot when she's sleeping. She's not doing anything and she still looks good! I dare you to find a picture of her not looking hot. You'd have to look hard.

A favorite softcore flick tactic is to put Nikki in a scene with two other women. Bathtubs and showers are frequent settings. She must be the cleanest woman in Hollywood. Still not convinced? Try this next picture on for size...

I have only one thing to say. DAMNNNNNNNN!!!!
Aimee Sweet shows up as the "victim" of the train robbery. She also has the best sex scene in the movie. Well, actually two of the best sex scenes. It's pretty sweet. HAHA! Sweet? Aimee Sweet? Get it? I'm hilarious!
SPOILER ALERT - This picture gives away an important plot point! Ahh, who am I kidding? No one cares about the plot. And I mean NO ONE.
More shots of Nikki Nova showing what Nikki does best. Anything! I can't get enough. Can you?
Can you?

Until next time ladies.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 busty bat signals