Saturday, January 26, 2008

"Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank" review

Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank (2006)

Director: Kirk Bowman
Writer: Kirk Bowman

Heidi Brucker ... Samantha
Danilo Mancinelli ... Zack
Mira Rayson ... Felicity
Danny Kitz ... Gary
Danielle Kreinik ... Trudy
Jacqueline Anzalone ... Kendra
Yasmine Vine ... Janet
Christina Caporale... Chelsea

I suppose in a technical sense I watched “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” but to tell you the truth I am having a difficult time remembering the experience. It’s as if the movie penetrated my eyes and blasted through the back of my skull. Images of babes and blood sucking were playing on the wall behind my head as my scrambled brains couldn’t keep up with the cheap carnage. Yes, it’s that good.

Of course one could make the argument, well what did you expect? I don’t know. A movie worth watching? An experience worth having? I was stretching. So another cleverly titled B-movie does me in and causes some internal damage. I’ll never learn.

“Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” has various Burbank babes sucking blood. They are looking for a lost treasure somewhere in the Burbank Mountains. They stumble upon an ancient stone which causes them to lust for blood. You rub it all over your body and you become a lip smacking cannibal. After this crucial plot point was revealed, I slowly slipped away from the movie and had an out of body experience. I hovered over my body and watched myself slip into a coma because of this meaningless film.

Nothing much interesting goes down in “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank”. There are many more scenes of Burbank babes munching on male body parts but after the first guy got some babe teeth marks on him I lost interest. They do manage to squeeze in some topless Burbank babes but the really hot ones manage to stay clothed. At least you can say that the title didn’t lie. Babes do suck blood in this movie. So that’s good. I just wish the babes did something else remotely interesting to keep my brain from shutting down from an overload of Burbank B-movie madness.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Burbank babes

Sunday, January 20, 2008

"The Slaughter" review

The Slaughter (2006)

Director: Jay Lee
Writer: Jay Lee

Jessica Custodio ... Dana (as Jessica Ellis)
Zak Kilberg... Iggy
Terry Erioski ... Tyler
Laura Bach ... Heather (as Laura Stein)
Jen Alex Gonzalez ... Alexandra
Brad Milne ... Carl Stevens
Adriana Esquivel ... She Demon
Carmit Levité... Julia Carter
Cheyenne Ault ... Denise Carter
Eva Derrek ... Madam Izriah
Penny Drake ... Madame Eliza
Elana Blank ... Witch

If there was a B-movie university, and there should be, “The Slaughter” would be a prime learning tool. It is a textbook example of a horror flick for B-movie 101 class. Keep your cast in one setting to drive down costs? Check. Have a cheap monster pick off the cast one by one? Check. Throw some blood and breasts at the screen to see if something interesting happens? Check. “The Slaughter” has rolled off the B-movie assembly line to fill that gaping hole on the video store shelf. Because if it’s one thing the world needs, it’s more straight to video horror movies.

“The Slaughter” begins as so many other B-movies before it with a bunch of teens heading to an abandoned house. This time the cast is at the spooky house to clean the insides for a smarmy businessman. While dusting the place, they stumble upon an old book which may hold the key to making this movie interesting. The resident dork of the group translates the book just in time to tell them that they’re all going to die. A topless witch ceremony from many moons ago has scarred the house for eternity. If certain rituals are performed, like getting laid, the evil demons in the house will do their B-movie duty and slice and dice anyone with the audacity to be alive. The group has unleashed the Slaughter.“The Slaughter” starts off with a great gratuitous nudity scene. The opening scene has the witches performing a spell together and then ripping off their cloaks to reveal their witchy breasts. Topless conjuring was an integral part of ancient spell casting ceremonies and I appreciated the filmmaker’s attention to historical accuracy.

Unfortunately, I found the first five minutes to be the highlight of “The Slaughter”. I have seen this movie many, many times before. One might even say too many times before. There is not a shred of originality or innovation in “The Slaughter”. It is yet another B-flick that exists only in the faint hope that guys like me will get into seeing some more blood and guts scenes. You know how this movie is going to unfold every step of the way. The monster gets released, people get killed, blood spurts out of their organs and the movie ends.

“The Slaughter” is a fair B-flick with topless witches and plenty of blood. It won’t thrill you with its B-movie 101 storyline but if you’re not too picky you might get into it.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 slaughters

Saturday, January 12, 2008

"Bikini Bloodbath" review

Bikini Bloodbath (2006)

Directors: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour
Writers: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour

Debbie Rochon... Miss Johnson
Thomas Edward Seymour... Phil
Russ Russo... Mike M.
Leah Ford... Jenny
Margaret Rose Champagne... Eve
Carmine Capobianco... Coach Smith
Robert Cosgrove Jr.... The Chef
Dana Fay Ensalata... Pam
Anna-Karin Eskilsson... Sharon
Olja Hrustic... Ginger
It was late on Friday night and I couldn’t sleep. I was leaving on a trip the next day and I really needed to get some rest. Unfortunately for me, the flu had me in a headlock and would not let me go. So there I was, on death’s door, coughing and sneezing my guts out. I needed something to get me through my darkest hour. If I couldn’t live through the night, I needed my last hours on Earth to be as pleasant as possible. It was this frame of mind which led me to putting “Bikini Bloodbath” into the DVD player. Let the bloodbath take me away.

A bunch of women decide to hold a slumber party to celebrate the end of school. Debbie Rochon shows up long enough to die in the first twenty minutes. Meanwhile, an insane guy in a chef’s hat wants to fillet everybody he sees. He ends up at the girl’s party and kills, kills, kills. Somewhere along the way, the girls decide to put bikini’s on so that they can add some legitimacy to the movie’s title. More asinine things happened as I wrapped myself in a blanket trying to fight back death and run of the mill B-flicks.

“Bikini Bloodbath” is a goofy B-flick. It starts off with a topless woman hopping out of bed to some cheesy rock music and rolls from there. There is a nice scene in the girl’s shower as they lather up for our viewing pleasure. Once the chef slasher enters the picture the movie becomes fairly ridiculous. Rochon bites the dust early which leaves us with a bunch of actors who are there only to get chopped up as soon as possible. The kill scenes are not scary and the gore was not the bloodbath that I was hoping for. Everything here is done for laughs but since I was knocking on heaven’s door when I watched this it didn’t really work for me.

Overall, “Bikini Bloodbath” was not the over the top sleaze fest that I was praying for. It’s a fair B-flick with a juvenile sense of humor and lots of cheap blood. Not quite a blood bath, but the usual slicing and dicing for the undiscerning viewer. As for me, I went straight to bed after this was over hoping I’d live to see the dawn. When the sun came up, I was thankful that I got another chance to see more B-movies. I won’t be seeing “Bikini Bloodbath” again, but I’m sure it will be something very, very similar.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikinis