Saturday, April 29, 2006

"Violence in a Women's Prison" review

Violence in a Women's Prison (1982)
AKA Violenza in un carcere femminile

Directed by Bruno Mattei
Writing credits Olivier Lefait Palmambrogio Molteni

Laura Gemser.... Emanuelle/Laura Kendall
Gabriele Tinti.... Doctor Moran
Maria Romano.... Kitty
Ursula Flores

I just finished watching this DVD. Shocked! Yes shocked am I by the retching awfulness of it all. Buffoons who can't make a decent women's prison movie need to be sent to movie prison to do hard labor. This movie would have a tough time being any lamer. My head is throbbing in pain.

So Emanuelle goes undercover in a prison to expose corruption. And that's that. So if there's no more plot, why not fill it with the usual breasts and beatings? No, this movie would rather be terrible. There is nudity and there is a lesbian scene. A very lame lesbian scene. The lame far outweighed any exploitative elements in this flick. Any fight scene looked incredibly fake. All of the torture scenes were weak. What I'm saying is, it stinks. Laura Gemser always looks good naked but it's not enough to save this one from the landfill.

This movie is light on the sleaze, heavy on the awful drama. It will start to go down the right road and then hit the brakes. Don't be a gullible sucker like me. Steer clear.


Thursday, April 27, 2006

"Embrace the Darkness 3" review

Embrace the Darkness 3 (2002)

Directed by Robert Kubilos

Brooke Larele.... Jennifer
Amy Facklam.... Lisa
Holly Hollywood.... Blonde
Sasha Peralto.... Ingenue (as Sasha Rochelle)
Tiffany Shepis.... Anna (as Vanessa Lynch)
Mia Zottoli... (as Ava Lake)

A sexy vampire decides she's had enough of her boring vampire lover and makes him hit the road. This brings her to the attention of a wealthy vampire and a newspaper reporter. They both want her bad. The rich vampire tries to seduce Jennifer into joining his depraved world so that they can live together as two powerful vampires should. The reporter wants a hot story out of her. Both want as much sex as possible with whomever they can find. Jennifer, the sexy vampire, feels the same way.

"Embrace the Darkness 3" is a pretty good sex flick. It showed as much plot as it could before rolling into a sex scene. There are some familiar faces in this one. Mia Zottoli shows up as the head vampire's assistant/lover. She has a short sex scene with him on a couch. She looks great in this one although I was surprised to see that she didn't have any more sex scenes. Only one? That's not enough Zottoli. Tiffany Shepis shows up as a reporter. She has a great scene with the guy reporter on a couch. A lot of couch action in this one. There are also two good girl/girl scenes near the end. Overall, "Embrace the Darkness 3" is worth a look. I had a good time.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 vampire embraces

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

"Femalien" review

Femalien (1996)

Directed by Cybil Richards
Writing credits Randy Fontana Cybil Richards

Jacqueline Lovell.... Sun
Matt Shue.... Drew
Kurt Schwoebel.... M.J
Venesa Talor.... Kara

Femalien comes to Earth to watch humans make lots of love. She teleports to the lingerie store on the off chance that the two female sales clerks will get it on for her. Oh! What a happy coincidence. They can't wait to get naked for the Femalien. Who can blame them?

Femalien will visit many locations around Southern California to fulfill her mission of peace and love. She must check out a photo shoot, a diner, a performance art show and some other places. The sex is out there just waiting to be watched, observed and studied. She's an excellent student.

I found "Femalien" to be a pleasant way to spend an hour or so. The last scene with Jacqueline Lovell was the best. Femalien learned a lot about human sexuality. So did I. If you do decide to watch "Femalien", make sure to get the unrated version. Any other course of action would just be foolish.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Femaliens

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

"BattleQueen 2020" review

BattleQueen 2020 (2001)

Directed by Daniel D'Or
Writing credits William D. Bostjancic Michael B. Druxman

Julie Strain.... Gayle
Jeff Wincott.... Spencer
Zehra Leverman.... Liotta
Brian Frank.... Manson
Bill Baker.... Braxton
Eva Nemeth.... Priscilla (as Eva Dawn Nemeth)

Another Julie Strain B-flick. This time Strain is the head mistress for the Elites of the future. Apparently there was some sort of apocalypse and an ice age has covered the Earth. So now the Elites live above ground and the rest of humanity hangs out in the tunnels. You know the Elites are special because they are always smoking cigars and wearing tuxedos. If you're an Elite, you must be puffing away on a big, fat cigar. It's in the Elite rulebook. Soon Strain will question her mistress existence and seek the help of the rebels. Many breasts will be exposed before the climatic battle.

All right. I admit it. I rented this B-epic to see Strain take her top off. Good news. Strain gets topless on numerous occasions. Eureka. There is also a very brief girl/girl scene where Strain and another woman put on a show for the camera. "Do you think they're watching us? -They're always watching." Strain knows what to do when the camera is on her. Thank God for that.

Although there are many good things about Julie Strain, being athletic is not one of them. She is utterly unconvincing as an action hero. Strain has feet made of lead. She's good at walking or standing or having sex. That's about the limit of the physical activities she's good at. The filmmakers knew this and delayed her fighting scenes until the end. But "BattleQueen 2020" has plenty of T&A to make up for its cheap sets and bland action. If you're a Julie Strain freak, you should check it out.

One last thing, the girl that really caught my attention with this one was Eva Nemeth. She was the leather outfit wearing, S&M hooker with nunchucks. She did not speak one word during the movie. She has a great fight scene at the end using her nunchucks against the rebel leader. She was one hard bodied B-warrior. The IMDb tells me that some of her other movies are called "White Slave Virgins" and "Lesbian Slave Desires". Hmmmmm...What to rent next? Hmmmmmm...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for Queen-B Strain

All eyes on Strain.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

"New York Ripper" review

New York Ripper (1982)
AKA Squartatore di New York, Lo

Directed by Lucio Fulci
Writing credits Gianfranco Clerici Lucio Fulci

Jack Hedley.... Lt. Fred Williams
Almanta Suska.... Fay Majors (as Almanta Keller)
Alexandra Delli Colli.... Jane Forrester Lodge
Daniela Doria.... Kitty (prostitute)
Babette New.... Mrs. Weissburger
Zora Kerova.... Eva (sex show performer) (as Zora Kerowa)

A maniac is loose in New York. The pretty girls are being killed. Hacked. Slashed. Gutted. A detective is on the case. Seems a wacko with a (Donald) Duck voice is really upset with women for being so healthy and women like. The cops hunt down the New York Ripper.

Lucio Fulci completely understands the slasher movie. He knows. He delivers what horror fans want and expect. All of the kill scenes are directed by a guy who cares about the amount of carnage on screen. Which is to say there should be a lot of it. The razors and knives get their own closeup. When they fly through the air to the victim, the soundtrack cranks up as the weapons make a "WHOOOOOOOSH!!" sound. When the knife/razor/switchblade finds its flesh, Fulci's camera zooms in on the gore as the blood pours out.

On the negative side, the whole (Donald) Duck angle for the Ripper is a little goofy. I usually don't like slasher movies that try to be a mystery but in this case I'll make an exception. Forget the story; this is about brutalizing the female body. Fulci had a good idea what horror fans are after watching slasher movies. Women dying horrible deaths? No. Naked women dying bloody, scream filled deaths at the hands of a maniac? Yes.

"New York Ripper" is one of the best slasher movies ever. Brutal, gory, and sleazy. A must see!

SCORE: 4 out of 4 for hitting the pinnacle of exploitation sleaze

"Alucarda" review

Alucarda (1978)
AKA Alucarda, la hija de las tinieblas

Directed by Juan López Moctezuma
Writing credits Alexis Arroyo

Claudio Brook.... Dr. Oszek/Hunchbacked Gypsy
David Silva.... Father Lázaro
Tina Romero.... Alucarda/Alucarda's Mother
Susana Kamini.... Justine
Lili Garza.... Daniela Oszek (as Lily Garza)
Tina French....Sister Angélica

"Alucarda" is about Alucarda. She's a girl who is possessed by the devil. Naturally, she lives in a convent. Another girl, Justine, comes into her life. These two women become roommates and start to embrace the concept of becoming devil women. The nuns protest this idea. This leads to much screaming and bloodshed as Alucarda revolts against the convent and anyone else who is not the devil.

AL-U-CARDA! Remember that name. It will be screamed at you without mercy throughout this movie. "Alucarda" has the most screaming, bellowing and just plain howling that I've ever heard in a horror flick. AAAAAHHHH! The nuns in "Alucarda" are all dressed in bandages. They look like the Mummy. This was actually a practical clothing choice since the nuns like to get whipped regularly.

So if you are looking for a movie about possessed, hysterical women screaming and yelling in a blood soaked convent, look no further.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 AL-U-CARDAS!!!!

"May" review

May (2002)

Directed by Lucky McKee
Writing credits Lucky McKee

Angela Bettis.... May Dove Canady
Jeremy Sisto.... Adam Stubbs
Anna Faris.... Polly
James Duval.... Blank

First off, I must confess an error in judgment. Bad taste on my part. I saw Anna Faris in the two "Scary Movie" flicks and I didn't think she was that hot. My God, what a fool I was. "May" helped me see the light. She does have a beautiful neck. I must thank the psycho woman for pointing that out to me. Their scene dancing together in the vet office was pure magic.

"May" is about a girl named May. She is a total nutcase. She needs Captain Xanax pumped straight into her brain and Major Zoloft swimming in her bloodstream at all times. She has a lazy eye but a wicked brain. She tries to fit in but we all know it's only a matter of time before her inner Ms. Frankenstein comes bubbling to the surface. All she sees are good parts but no good people. Her sewing skills will come in handy.

This was a cool little horror flick. I recommend it. Of course, if you've ever run into any unbalanced women in your life, you may start having flashbacks to weirdo dates. All I can say is Gatorade and Macaroni and Cheese. "May" could also be taken as a warning for would-be lovers. That weird woman staring at you at the Laundromat just might be a little too unbalanced. If you tell her you like it weird, you'd better be sure you're ready to go all the way to May Land.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Faris dances

Saturday, April 22, 2006

"Lust for Dracula" review

Lust for Dracula (2004)

Directed by Tony Marsiglia

Darian Caine .... Dracula
Julian Wells .... Jonathan Harker
Misty Mundae .... Mina Harker
Andrea Davis .... Sara
Shelly Jones .... Abigal Van Helsing
Casey Jones

Well, it finally happened. The filmmakers finally snapped after filming too many lesbian sex scenes.

Oh my. What have we here? Couldn't do one more sex version of Dracula eh? Couldn't bear it? "Lust for Dracula" is, to put it mildly, screwed up. It's trying to be some sort of surreal, dreamlike flick. When I saw Julian Wells trying to have sex with Misty Mundae like a man, I knew the movie was out of control. Dracula comes to visit Misty who's upset she can't have a child. After that, the movie flies off into the filmmakers mad dreams. Little Bat Bat is way too comfortably numb.

When will they learn? As far as sex movies go, it's all been done before. There is not a position you can come up with that hasn't been filmed before. The only thing that changes are the girls who sigh and moan. So to make up for the monotony of sex scenes, (at least in the filmmakers mind), we are treated to such scenes as Misty reading a bedtime story to a potato. I submit to you that this is not a good trade off. Instead of a bedtime story, how about a bedtime orgy?

Well, the good news is that the sex scenes are pretty good. Misty and Dracula go at it near the pool and two other girls roll around near a beachfront cemetery. Julian Wells has to be the man of the group and is denied a lot of the action. In these movies, it's always ladies night.

So there are a few decent sex scenes hiding amongst the dreamlike ramblings. It may be worth a look. Besides, isn't it better to see one more lesbian vampire flick even if it is insane?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Little Bat Bats - What are you on?

"Anatomy" review

Anatomy (2000)
AKA Anatomie

Directed by Stefan Ruzowitzky
Writing credits Stefan Ruzowitzky

Franka Potente.... Paula Henning
Benno Fürmann.... Hein
Anna Loos.... Gretchen
Sebastian Blomberg.... Caspar

So a smart girl goes to medical school. She stumbles upon a secret cult, the AaA club. They like dissecting people while they are still alive. It's better that way. It has something to do with preserving the pieces for study. Her and her horny roommate, (Anna Loos), have fun and frolic among the dead bodies and psychos.

This is a slasher movie made for women. There were no female breasts exposed. However there were about four or five naked guys in it. The gluteus maximus was being flexed with abandon. I was slightly disturbed. There really wasn't any doubt who the killer was so when he's exposed it's not surprising. There's no masked psycho killer here. It's the guy with the hottest body! Let him chase the girls around! And tell him to take off his shirt!

As a slasher movie, it's fair. There is enough blood to make it worth seeing but not anything to get overly excited about. Thank the DVD Gods for Anna Loos though. On the DVD, one of the extras is a music video with Anna in a leather jumpsuit singing, "My Truth". Her leather dancing in the video and her stripping on the cadaver table during the movie were the two highlights. Thank you Anna. Since the video has the cadaver table stripping scene in it as well, all you really need is the video. Good song too.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for Anna Loos cadaver table stripping and singing

"Hollywood Sins" review

Hollywood Sins (2000)

Directed by Edward Holzman
Writing credits Steve Hajdu

Hal Hutton.... Simon Teller
Kim Dawson.... Donna Silverstein
Eric Acsell.... Billy
Viktoria Karina.... Linda
Mia Zottoli.... Lacy Lloyd
Tess Broussard.... Debbie

I bought this DVD. I needed some more Kim Dawson action for the collection. Little did I know that Mia Zottoli was also in this one. What a pleasant surprise. Speaking of surprises, her breasts had shrunk dramatically. "Hollywood Sins" was obviously made before she became busty "Ava Lake". She still looked good though.

So Dawson and Zottoli have a lot of sex as some story about agents in Hollywood plays itself out. There were hidden cameras, ninja attacks and some other stuff about a farm. I wasn't really paying attention. The first scene has Dawson and the agent going at it. This scene caught my attention. The next scene has Zottoli and another agent getting down to business. Two points for "Hollywood Sins"! This movie makes me wonder if I should become an agent. They seem to get a lot of the action. At least according to this softcore flick they do.

Eventually, Dawson and Zottoli have a scene together. This scene should have hit all of my buttons. Alas, it did not. It was short and sweet. Well, not too sweet. They didn't seem to be into each other at all. Oh well, their agent sex scenes make up for it. There are a couple of other decent sex scenes which makes "Hollywood Sins" well worth checking out.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for Zottoli and Dawson's Hollywood sins

"Escape from Hell" review

Escape from Hell (1980)

AKA Femmine infernali

Directed by Edoardo Mulargia
Writing credits Sergio Chiusi

Antonio De Teffè.... Doctor Farrell (as Anthony Steffen)
Ajita Wilson.... Zaira
Christina Lai.... Vivienne (as Cristina Lay)
Cintia Lodetti....Katie
Luciano Pigozzi.... Warden

Woman's prison in the jungle brings out the worst in the prison guards. They beat and rape the prisoners on a daily basis. Finally the girls have had enough. They ask the drunk doctor to put down the booze and help them. Escape plans are hatched and violence soon follows.

Like any good women's prison movie, this had scenes of torture and cheap thrills which strings together the flimsy plot. I especially enjoyed the mass prisoner shower scene. Every woman's prison flick should have it and this one delivers the naked goods. Also the touching lesbian sex scene between the new girl and the boss of her cell was good. It was touching. VERY touching. There were violent scenes of torture and whipping but nothing too outrageous. The rape scenes were the harshest. Mostly there were breasts. Lots of breasts. Topless prisoners as far as the eye could see. It gets hot in the jungle.

Good woman's prison flick. Had all the right elements.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for sweaty jungle prison action

"Alien Files" review

Alien Files (1999)
AKA Sex Files: Alien Erotica

Directed by Rolfe Kanefsky
Writing credits Rolfe Kanefsky

Mark Collver .... Agent Preston
Kira Reed .... Agent Forrest (as Kira Lee)
Gabriella Hall .... Anne Gallo
                     .... Dr. Claire Danning
Laura Palmer .... Karen Gilmore (as Petra Sexton)
Blake Pickett .... Kelly O'Conner (as Emma Joones)
Lauren Hays .... Nancy
Kim Yates .... Eve (as Kris Tyler)

I bought this one from Hollywood video for three bucks. A horny outer space fungus lands on the U.S.S. Sex-a-lot and proceeds to spray its love mist on the crew. The love sponge nails the good doctor and makes a copy of her hard body. Somehow the spaceship gets to Earth and the alien makes its escape. The rest of the movie has Agents Mulder and Scully, (B-version), tracking the alien species through gas stations and strip joints. They will track those breasts wherever they may bounce. Duty is truly its own reward.

I bet the real Mulder and Scully wished they had a case as interesting as this one. "Alien Files" is a takeoff of "The X-Files" and "Species". But instead of just one horny alien running around having sex, we get about eight or nine different horny sex machines. You see, when the alien touches you, it makes a copy of your body. So the alien always makes sure to touch the hottest woman in the room. It's easier to get some action that way. "I must feed!"

I enjoyed this one. The women were hot, the breasts were plentiful and the alien couldn't get enough Earth loving. It dragged a little in the middle and the ending was a little weak but overall it was a good time.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 B-Mulders

Friday, April 21, 2006

"Dinosaur Island" review

Dinosaur Island (1994)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Bob Sheridan Christopher Wooden

Ross Hagen.... Capt. Jason Briggs
Griffin Drew.... May (as Griffen Drew)
Michelle Bauer.... June
Toni Naples.... Queen Morganna
Nikki Fritz.... High Priestess

It's 10:00 p.m. on Friday night and I just had a shot of jack and finished off my third beer. This party is out of control! I just watched "Dinosaur Island" followed by an episode of "Black Tie Nights" on Cinemax. This couple was on a date and then they had sex. That's the show. Genius eh?

Speaking of genius, "Dinosaur Island" was a T&A spectacular. Three army guys crash land on the island of the prehistoric breast implants. They must prove themselves worthy of their big bouncy affection by slaying the really cheap dinosaur that prowls the island. The girls are confused by the new arrivals in their midst. "What is this thing you men call love?" The guys are ready to shed the cavegirl's clothes and get this party started on a Saturday night.

Once again, I must give praise where it's due. Michelle Bauer is the real deal. As the women pair off with the men, Michelle chooses the fattest loser to hook up with. She gives hope to all of us dorks out here every time she rips off her bra. Thank you Michelle for getting naked for us again. There are plenty of other women who take their tops off as well. So that's good too.

All of the dinosaur scenes were ridiculously cheap but I didn't mind. You don't think I actually watched this for the dinosaurs do you? Of course not. Anyway, "Dinosaur Island" is a good T&A flick. It's worth a look for B-movie lovers.

One last thing, keep an eye out for Nikki Fritz who shows up at the very beginning of the movie. I thought she looked familiar but I didn't realize it was her until after the credits rolled. She is the High Priestess who has her breasts painted blue and dances around like a stripper. Apparently the dinosaur is attracted to the human sacrifice by the hypnotic gyrations of cavewoman pole dancing.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 hot cavegirls

Thursday, April 20, 2006

"Darkwolf" review

DarkWolf (2003)

Directed by Richard Friedman
Writing credits Geoffrey Alan Holliday

Samaire Armstrong.... Josie
Ryan Alosio.... Steve Turley
Andrea Bogart.... Stacey
Jaime Bergman.... McGowan
Alexis Cruz.... Miguel

You know, movies like this are the reason I keep jumping back into the pit of straight to video releases. I'm always hoping to find something good in the muck. "Darkwolf" is a solid B-monster flick. Werewolf attacks people while looking for a hot blonde. That's the movie. Blood and corpses start piling up. I enjoyed myself.

Of course, like any B-movie, there were some problems. The werewolf effects were pretty bad. The transformation scene looked like something I would see playing a Nintendo game. That's Nintendo 64, not Gamecube. Computer F/X and werewolves don't mix. You've got to stick to makeup effects. The werewolf himself, which you see in brief flashes, also looked pretty rubbery.

"Darkwolf" has two strengths. One is the healthy amount of blood and gore. The second is the copious amount of nudity in the film. Any flick that starts off in a strip club excites me. It's a good harbinger of more breasts to come. Sure enough, the breasts come out in full bloom.

The highlight of the movie involves two girls painted like wolves. They're naked of course. They're on a roof doing a photo shoot. As the techno music blasts, we see the two women caress and kiss each other. WOO-HOO! This scene was great. It was the most tightly choreographed scene in the movie. More attention was paid to dancing naked werebabes than to any werewolf attack scene. It's that kind of attention to salacious detail that excites me.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for the dance of the painted werebabes

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

"Hard Candy" review

Hard Candy (2005)

Directed by David Slade

Writing credits Brian Nelson

Patrick Wilson .... Jeff Kohlver
Ellen Page .... Hayley Stark
Sandra Oh .... Judy Tokuda
Jennifer Holmes .... Janelle Rogers

A guy picks up some jailbait he finds online. He wants to take her home so she can do some modeling for him. Modeling eh? Wink, wink. Soon his jailbait will turn into hard candy as she doesn’t take kindly to pervs who want to play with young girls. Much psychological drama follows as the hard candy girl wants to make sure that her captured pervert doesn’t get hard again. “Preventive maintenance.”

“Hard Candy” was a great movie. Loved it. But I’m not sure if I loved it because it was really good or if it spoke to me on a personal level. Was this a cautionary tale for me? Should I not believe what random females on the internet tell me? Speaking as a guy who has received half naked pictures in his email inbox, I could just imagine being tied to a table while a woman hovers over me with a scalpel. Maybe I need to learn from this fine film. Hmmmm…Nah. What could possibly go wrong? At least I can’t say, I wasn’t warned.

Anyway, this movie is one of the rare psychological dramas that work. It’s basically just two people talking. Ellen Page was great as the squeaky-voiced jailbait. She had that part nailed. Her portrayal of a young girl getting nervous as she tries to act mature was dead-on. I’m talking jail-BAIT. Patrick Wilson was also good as the worldly photographer who thinks he can get any girl to take their clothes off for him. You’ll have to like these characters as their conversations take up pretty much the whole movie.

“Hard Candy” also does the near impossible by making us feel sort-of sorry for the child molester. Does he really deserve all the torment that the hard candy girl has in store for him? She wants to teach him a hard lesson about picking up young girls on the internet. Parts of the movie will have you squirming but, in another amazing trick, there is no blood in this movie. Some of you harsh horror fans may be turned off when you read that but “Hard Candy” still manages to hit you with some of its scenes.

“Hard Candy” is an effective psychological horror flick. It gets you thinking about the dangers of meeting people online. Got me thinking about who the heck is emailing me. Maybe I shouldn’t believe a word they say. I wonder if they believe me…

SCORE: 4 out of 4 hard jailbaits

"Frost: Portrait of a Vampire" review

Frost: Portrait of a Vampire (2001)

Directed by Kevin VanHook
Writing credits Kevin VanHook

Gary Busey.... Micah
Jeff Manzanares.... Jonathon "Jack" Frost
Charles Lister.... Nat McKenzie

The mere thought of a Gary Busey vampire movie excites me. Could he bring the same magic from "Silver Bullet" to the vampire genre? I would bet he could. You'd never know it from watching "Frost: Portrait of a Fraud". Gary Busey plays a blind Daredevil of an art dealer (?!). Busey has next to nothing to do with this movie except for deceiving B-movie maniacs like myself into renting it. What a rip-off.

This flick brings up a question I often find myself asking: If filmmakers think that a horror/monster angle is going to sell their movie, why not take the next logical step and make an actual horror movie? Someone really wanted to make a cheap-o action movie starring some overweight biker as Rambonehead the commando. Unfortunately the moneymen felt that this had been done to death and asked for a gimmick:

"Well, how about one of the commandos gets bit by a vampire in broad daylight and then he's a vampire. So then we do some more lame soldier stuff cause I got this great footage of a helicopter we can use over and over and over...What's that? The vampire? Oh yeah! So anyway we zig zag from Afghanistan to Mexico to San Diego. No we don't really go to all those places. We film it in my backyard! Duh! Anyway about the vampire. We make him one of those self-loathing ones. He mopes around which is good for about 15 minutes of drama. "15 minutes". Now there was a good movie. Oh Right. The vampire. So anywho he's a vampire and then some other stuff happens and Gary Busey shows up and we film a helicopter or three and there's the movie. Whatta ya think dude?"

"Well, as long as there is a helicopter in my vampire movie...ehhhhh..."


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

"Plankton" review

Plankton (1994)

Directed by Massimiliano Cerchi
Writing credits Richard Baumann

Michael Bon.... Bobby
Loren DePalm.... Dorothy
Clay Rogers.... Mike
Sharon Twomey.... Margareth
Ann Wolf.... Julie

I bought this DVD. The cover had a woman wearing a bikini with a slimy tentacle around her neck. Her facial expression alone was worth the nine bucks. Let's just say she would graduate Magna Cum Laude from bad acting school. This bikini babe is nowhere to be found in the actual movie. That's appropriate since I was expecting an out of control B-movie with all of the trimmings. "Plankton" fits like a glove.

So three women and two guys are stuck in a storm and try to find safety on a yacht. They start to wonder about all of the frozen fish on board. What does it all mean? Is the yacht some sort of diabolical research vessel? Or is it really a drug smuggling operation? All of these questions become moot when the fish start going haywire and biting everyone in sight. This leads to many fish-like mutations and gory fish monster scenes.

Now, I'm not going to say that this is a good movie. "Plankton" is a straight forward B-movie with lots of blood and bad acting. I especially enjoyed the sex scene between the girl and the fish-monster. That was some eye popping fun. Overall, if you're the kind of person who enjoys a horny fish monster movie, you'll find something to like here. Otherwise, let this one flop away.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 horny fish monsters

Monday, April 17, 2006

"Sins of Desire" review

Sins of Desire (1993)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Peter Liapis Mark Thomas McGee

Gail Harris.... Monica Waldman
Jay Richardson.... Dr. Scott Callister
Delia Sheppard.... Jessica Callister
Tanya Roberts.... Kay Egan

I bought this video. There were many signs that pointed "Sins of Desire" in the direction of a satisfying B-movie experience. I saw a big UNRATED on the back of the video box. I also saw that the director's name was Jim Wynorski. UNRATED and Wynorski go hand in hand. The man is notorious for packing his movies with topless women. This was a film I needed to see. It starred Tanya Roberts and Delia Sheppard. One of these women would surely be getting topless. Most women don't get out of a Wynorski movie with their top on.

Well, the good news is that the Wynorski brand name of B-quality stands proud in this one. All of the women get topless! Tanya gets naked in a quick sex scene with her private detective buddy and Sheppard gets naked a bunch of times. Sheppard likes rough sex and I like rough Sheppard sex. We all win! Tanya gets a job at Sheppard's sex clinic. Instead of taking the time to learn from the master, she actually wants to shut Sheppard's place down. I couldn't believe it. Apparently Tanya was still sore that her sister killed herself after visiting the clinic. Other characters drift in and out of the story while Sheppard has some down and dirty loving with her husband.

"Sins of Desire" is a reasonable enough B-movie. It's nothing to write home about but you won't feel the need to kill yourself afterwards. The only thing that had me conflicted was the Sheppard/husband sex scenes. Her husband is played by the infamous Jay Richardson. Now Richardson is a pretty good actor and I've enjoyed seeing him in countless Wynorksi and Fred Olen Ray flicks but watching him have sex was kind of throwing me off my game. He's not what I would call a sex symbol. In fact, I feel pretty safe in saying that no one considers him a sex symbol. Fortunately Sheppard was into it. I guess that's all that really matters.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for rough Sheppard sex

Sunday, April 16, 2006

"Paycheck" review

Paycheck (2003)

Directed by John Woo
Writing credits Philip K. Dick Dean Georgaris

Ben Affleck.... Michael Jennings
Aaron Eckhart.... James Rethrick
Uma Thurman.... Dr. Rachel Porter
Paul Giamatti.... Shorty

I got very depressed after I watched "Paycheck". The future was revealed to me. Therefore, I have no future. Well, a bleak movie-going future at least. The truth hit me hard: Hollywood makes the majority of their movies as stupid as possible and there is nothing in the world I can do about it.

Actually, there is only one thing I can do about it and that's stop going to the movies. Of course that's not really an option. But it's movies like "Paycheck" that give me a harsh reminder of what mainstream Hollywood has in store for me now and until the end of time: One lame brained flick after another. Oh sure, I know Hollywood makes most of their product for teenagers but do their movies have to be this idiotic?

"Paycheck" is the story of Ben Affleck on the run with the greatest envelope in the world. He has a lot of knick-knacks in it that may save his life. Remember this phrase: "Ahh, Whatever!" You will be repeating it numerous times throughout this movie. How does Affleck know when to use all this junk? What if he uses it in the wrong order? Where did he get the key for the mall utility closet? Why did he kick the bullets at the third subway wire instead of shooting the guy? Why? How? Huh?!! Ahh Whatever!

The good news is that there are some decent action scenes that save "Paycheck" from the garbage can. There is a good motorcycle chase scene, (where did Affleck learn to drive like a Hollywood stunt driver...ahh who cares?) and a good final showdown back at the lab. But the movie is just too ridiculous.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 action hero Afflecks