Friday, November 23, 2007

"Rise: Blood Hunter" review

Rise: Blood Hunter (2007)

Director: Sebastian Gutierrez
Writer: Sebastian Gutierrez

Lucy Liu... Sadie Blake
James D'Arcy... Bishop
Carla Gugino... Eve
Michael Chiklis... Clyde Rawlins
Cameron Richardson... Colette

Any movie that starts off with one of the hot girls from “Entourage” being hung naked upside down has got to be worth a little something. At the beginning of the movie, we’re introduced to Colette, (Cameron Richardson – or the girl in the coatroom with Vince), as she is getting picked up by Lucy Liu. Lucy takes her back to her pad and asks her to strip. Cameron takes off her bra and states that, “They’re real”. Then they segue into a kissing scene which inevitably ends in Cameron being hung naked by her ankles in the shower. Now this is how you start a B-movie.

Lucy Liu is the intrepid reporter out to do a story on Goth culture and why they’re so screwed up. This allows her to stumble into a B-movie story of murder, vampires and other blood sucking freaks. The vampires attack and Lucy is initiated against her will into the army of the undead. The rest of the movie has Lucy seeking revenge against her vampire masters with her trusty silver crossbow.

“Rise: Blood Hunter” has an interesting cast for such an obvious B-flick. Many familiar faces pop up in this one which only leads to one question: Why in the world are they in this movie? “Rise: Blood Hunter” may have had aspirations to be a theatrical release but the end product gets pretty garbled as scenes pop up out of nowhere and time shifts as the movie lurches back and forth. One minute Lucy Liu is dead in the morgue and the next she’s killing vampires with wild abandon.

Well, actually she doesn’t embrace her inner vampire and that’s the problem with this flick. Liu has mastered the art of being stoic but showing other emotions continues to elude her. “Rise: Blood Hunter” is lacking in spontaneous blood spilling fun. Liu should have gone over the edge with her new abilities but instead takes the morose, somber path to vampire slaughter. If she was a vampire already, why did she need a crossbow? Couldn’t she have easily ripped off their heads? The crossbow bloodshed was nonexistent and a big letdown.

But “Rise: Blood Hunter” does have some pleasing B-movie elements that may make it worth checking out. There are some good gore scenes along with a naked hanging “Entourage” girl. Actually there are two hot “Entourage” girls in this one but the girl who played Eric’s girlfriend, (Samaire Armstrong), does not get naked. She does shed some blood so it’s not a total loss. So if you’re in desperate need of another vampire hunter movie, it’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Lucy vamps "Entourage" has all the best women. Rise: Entourage girl

Saturday, November 10, 2007

"Bewitched Housewives" review

Bewitched Housewives (2007)

Beverly Lynne ... Mary
Nicole Sheridan ... Angelique
Rebecca Love ... Linda
Brad Bartram ... Derek
Evan Stone ... Martin
Voodoo ... Barry (as Alexandre Boisvert)

Ahh Rebecca Love. She puts the fun in fun bags. The tit in titanic. The rack in My God Rebecca Love has a huge RACK! No matter who she ends up in bed with, her partners always go straight for her breasts. They’d be foolish going anywhere else. Good old Fred Olen Ray has found his new large breasted muse. Mia Zottoli did her part as did Aria Giovanni. Now it is Love’s turn and a fine turn it is.

“Bewitched Housewives” has Beverly Lynne getting laid again. This time friendly witch Nicole Sheridan sends her to the future to get away from being burned at the stake. Beverly is a stranger in a strange land but fortunately Nicole is there to help her get acquainted with modern life. Rebecca Love schemes to get the secret ad plans away from Beverly’s husband but surprisingly ends up in a three-way with Beverly. Of course when I say surprisingly, I really mean not surprising at all. Some other plot points come up which surprisingly leads to sex, sex and some more sex.

So once again the same loyal Fred Olen Ray crew is back for another double shot of late night skin flick debauchery. This time they’ve cranked out “Bewitched Housewives” and “Harlots of the Caribbean”. They must all live within a couple of blocks of each other waiting for the call to action. Once the cash rolls in from the last double feature, it’s time to reinvest in more sex! The Cinemax machine needs constant feeding of product. It’s an insatiable beast.

As for “Bewitched Housewives, it was OK. The sex scenes were decent. Praise must be given to Rebecca Love. She is a huge turn-on. She made the movie for me. Beverly was looking pretty good although I have to say that I like her better when she has sex scenes with men. Her lesbian scenes have been lacking. Her sex scene with Sheridan at the beginning was too tame and her three-way with Love didn’t blow me away either. Beverly should stick to guy/girl sex scenes. How about a scene with two guys? I don’t think we’ve seen that before. The world demands it. Well, maybe not but I’d sure like to see it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for lots of Love

Can't get enough of this picture. Bewitching Beverly.

Friday, November 09, 2007

"Amateur Porn Star Killer" review

Amateur Porn Star Killer (2007)

Director: Shane Ryan
Writers: Michiko Jimenez Shane Ryan

Michiko Jimenez ... Stacy "The Victim"
Shane Ryan ... Brandon

I was sent this DVD. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” is about a guy who tries very hard to make the world’s most boring snuff film. He picks up a girl, takes her back to a sleazy motel room and proceeds to have a long drawn out conversation before killing her for our supposed viewing pleasure.

I don’t like movies that pretend to be amateur by deliberately scratching up the film, shaking the camera, etc. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” reminded me of another B-movie that I didn’t like but that a lot of people seemed to enjoy, “Actress Apocalypse”. That movie also went to great lengths to pretend to be a shoddy looking video. I can’t buy into the fantasy that we’re actually watching some hapless psycho film his depraved escapades. And even if we were watching an actual snuff film, why would there be so many scratches on a video tape? This ain’t the 70’s man. Even I could have filmed my vulgar exploits better than this jerk.

I’m not sure how someone is supposed to enjoy this film. It’s not shocking enough to be a horror movie and it’s not vulgar enough to be exploitation. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” fails because it’s too amateur. And much like the Cat III flick “Prostitute Killer” that needed more prostitute killing to be worthwhile, “APSK” needed more porn star killing to liven up the monotony of two people blathering on in a motel room.

It pains me to be so negative on a film that was sent to me. I don’t like to do it but when something hits a nerve in me I’ve just got to say what’s on my mind. The rapist and victim in the movie are the director and writer respectively so I can only assume that they are a couple in real life. It helps explain why there are scenes of graphic sex and nudity, which I did find a little shocking, but none of the scenes led to anything truly disturbing. The movie wraps up at around an hour and ten minutes with an ending that has the actual porn star killing happening offscreen. This is the porn star killing I waited for? No self respecting snuff artist would allow that to happen. You can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead amateurs