Sunday, February 14, 2010

"One-Eyed Monster" review

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Director: Adam Fields
Adam Fields Jordan Fields

Amber Benson ... Laura
Jason Graham ... Jonah
Charles Napier ... Mohtz
Jeff Denton ... Jim
Caleb Mayo ... T.J.
Bart Fletcher ... Lance
Jenny Guy ... Wanda
Veronica Hart ... Veronica
John Edward Lee ... Rock
Carmen Hart ... Angel
Frank Noel ... Bus Driver
Ron Jeremy ... Ron

Ron Jeremy's one-eyed monster is on the loose. While making a porno up in the mountains, an alien spacecraft spots Ron's member and decides it needs to have it. The aliens send down a shaft of light which infests Ron's mind with thoughts of sex and depravity. Since Jeremy's mind is always infested with sex and depravity, the beam goes to work on detaching Ron's unit from his body. The one-eyed monster makes a run for it so it can go to work on impregnating all willing and unwilling females. The rest of the crew will have to figure out a way to stop Ron Jeremy's alien pecker from killing them all.

"One-Eyed Monster" is the second movie with a rampaging penis I've seen this month. I'm very proud to say that. "Bad Biology" also had a horny penis attacking every orifice it could penetrate. Maybe the monster pecker movie could become its own sub-genre in B-movies. For the penis is a monster that loves to run free and strike out into dangerous territory. A monster penis movie also makes it possible to show scenes of delirious exploitation.

Although you'd think a movie about Ron Jeremy's rampaging dick would lend itself to scene after scene of wild debauchery you'd be wrong. For a horror comedy about an alien possessed penis, "One-Eyed Monster" is deadly serious. Everybody in the movie plays it straight. It wasn't quite the alien pecker party I was hoping for. Once Ron's member breaks free, it makes a bee-line right for the one topless girl in the cast. After it finishes her off there are no other topless porno babes in sight. While it makes sense that Jeremy's monster couldn't resist the topless woman, it was not the right call for the filmmakers to make. They should have saved her until the end or at least killed a couple of the guys first.

I think that's the main problem with "One-Eyed Monster". It's a sausage party with too many guys hanging around the porno set. Charles Napier actually shows up for no reason so he can give a monologue about the penis monster he met back in 'Nam. There's a science dork who has perfected a machine that allows you to bang any chick in the world. There's also the egotistical director and the egotistical actor. But where are the women? How is Ron Jeremy' monster supposed to get all the action it can handle when you skimp out on the babes? Veronica Hart, (from the great "Amanda by Night"), shows up to put her MILF body to good use but it's not enough to save the movie.

Although "One-Eyed Monster" has some funny scenes and is well acted, (especially Jason Graham who plays his role in the alien penis movie with utmost sincerity), it doesn't need to be seen. It had a lot of potential but it doesn't take the time to explore the fantastic possibilities that Ron Jeremy's possessed penis had to offer. But if you do end up watching it,there's always some entertainment value when Ron Jeremy and his member show up.

One last thought, "One-Eyed Monster" fails in handling the single most crucial element in the film. The one-eyed monster does not look like Jeremy's penis. I've seen that penis in action and I can assure you that the rubber dick strangling people is not the legendary porn shaft we have all grown to admire. Ron Jeremy's member is not just a dangling piece of porno meat. It is THE dangling piece of porno meat. It's what we mortal men look up to. His mighty member was probably too scary for the filmmakers so they had to go for a stunt double. Ron Jeremy is a source of admiration and one day his proud pecker will be encased in gold for all the world to treasure. Well, maybe not but Ron Jeremy's one eyed monster is still pretty scary.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Ron Jeremy monsters
The man.

The Myth.The Legend.

Is there anything he can't do?

Thursday, February 04, 2010

"Blood Scarab" review

Blood Scarab (2008)

Director: Donald F. Glut
Writer: Donald F. Glut

Monique Parent ... Countess Elizabeth Bathory (as Monique T. Parent)
Del Howison ... Renfield
Brinke Stevens ... Professor Foran
Tony Clay ... Dracula
Natasha Diakova ... Mina
Cindy Pucci ... Tanya
Christina Morris ... Samantha
Angelica Monro ... Hathor
Ange Maya ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Veronica ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Jackeline Olivier ... Elana
Mia Zottoli... Hor Sep Sut (as Ava Niche)

Dracula and his wife, (Monique Parent), are getting bored with the constraints of being a vampire. After Dracula dies because he was peeping too long at some naked women, Monique decides she needs to find a way to stay in the sun. Her trusty man servant reads about some old B-movies like "The Mummy's Kiss" and learns that the key to immortality is a cheap mummy. Through a convoluted series of events, a mummy's naked soul is released and grants Monique the power to get a suntan on one condition. She must suck the blood out of three topless women. Monique is up to the task of pleasing her new goddess.

"Blood Scarab" is a pointless movie but it's still strangely watchable. There are many B-movie elements raging throughout the movie that gives you the illusion that an interesting movie is about to start. There are vampires, mummies, blood, random topless women, topless Egyptian goddesses, a flashback to a topless Mia Zottoli, and Monique Parent's legs. Surely something exciting is bound to happen. But after many false starts, it became apparent that the filmmakers weren't sure what kind of movie they wanted to make. It's neither fish nor fowl, softcore or horror. All they knew is that if there's a random topless women every ten minutes, the audience will stay awake until the end.

I rented "Blood Scarab" because I saw that Mia Zottoli was in it. This excited me because I hadn't seen a new Zottoli movie in awhile. But it turns out that Mia's appearance in the movie is just a flashback to a brief sex scene in "The Mummy's Kiss". At least "Blood Scarab" had the sense to get some naked scenes of Mia in the movie. But where is Mia these days? Somebody please bring her back to life. The B-movie world needs her. Well if not, I'd still appreciate it.

While Monique Parent's legs are amazing, "Blood Scarab" doesn't have enough vampire (or mummy) sleaze to demand a viewing. It can be skipped. Although if you do end up watching it, there is something gratifying about watching Monique use her long legs to seduce any female she lays eyes on. But none of the seduction scenes last long enough for pure lesbian vampire satisfaction. Monique sunk her fangs too quickly into their ample bosoms for my tastes. Mistress Monique needed to take her time and enjoy the perks of being a day-walking Egyptian vampire goddess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Monique Parent legs
Mistress Monique and friend.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

"Voodoo Dollz" review

Voodoo Dollz (2008)

Fred Olen Ray
Fred Olen Ray

Christine Nguyen ... Christina
Beverly Lynne ... Jilly
Monique Parent ... Miss Dambahla
Charlie Laine ... Maria
Nicole Sheridan ... Sandra
Voodoo ... Jeff (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Syren ... Miss Santana
Kitty ... Meg (as Kitty Katzu)
Michelle Bauer... Miss Anton

Christine Nguyen is a bad girl. She gets caught having sex with another naughty girl in her school locker room. They are both dressed in school girl uniforms and wearing pig tails so you know that they're extra naughty. Headmistress Michelle Bauer decides to punish her by sending her away to a boarding school for lesbian witches. I only wish Michelle had bent her over and given her a good spanking before she left. Once Christine gets to Monique Parent's school for horny lesbians, the witches welcome her to their sapphic coven. There is some nonsense about voodoo dolls and sacrifices but it's just filler to give you a little breather until the next lesbian scene gets started.

"Voodoo Dollz" is a Fred Olen Ray triumph. The key to its success can be summed up in two words: Lesbian sex. Sweet, beautiful, softcore lesbian sex. "Voodoo Dollz" embraces the most sacred rule of late night entertainment. For it is written: He who films pretty girls kissing each other is sure to find success after midnight on Cinemax. "Voodoo Dollz" has only one guy in it and that was one guy too many for my tastes. But at least it kept the men to a bare minium so the ladies could have their fun.

Oh and what fun it was. The first lesbian scene has Christine and Kitty making out in the locker room. This was a great scene which started the movie down the path to success. Michelle Bauer shows up and does not get involved with any of the women. This made me sad as I was hoping for some tender loving between her and Christine. But when the movie shifts to sapphic school, there's plenty of lesbian affection to keep you entertained. Christine and Nicole Sheridan have a good sex scene with the help of a voodoo sex toy. But the best sex scene was between Charlie Laine and Syren which is only marred by some idiotic guy peeping on them. Ray needs to stop interrupting the action with scenes of goofballs staring at the naked women. The last thing I want to see during an abundance of nipple licking is some grinning moron's face. Please, let's stop the madness. It's for the best.

But let's pause for a moment and reflect on what the ladies of Cinemax have meant to our lives. Where would we be today without these softcore divas to entertain us late at night? I'm talking about Beverly Lynne, Julie Smith, Nikki Fritz, Julian Wells, AJ Khan, Kim Dawson, Nikki Nova and many others who have sweat, screamed and moaned until we couldn't take anymore and went to bed. Women who fill our hearts with lust for the perfect female body and show us the proper way to make sweet love on a desk, chair or sofa. These women are invaluable to B-movies.

"Voodoo Dollz" proves that point as it would be completely worthless without the women. It's softcore movies like this that make you stop and realize the power these women have. Their very existence in a B-movie dictates whether it's going to succeed or fail. Christine Nguyen and friends know how to conjure up that softcore voodoo magic. The overdose of B-movie women in "Voodoo Dollz" ensures a pleasant late night romp.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Cinemax bad girls