Saturday, August 20, 2011

"Sexual Witchcraft" review

Sexual Witchcraft (2011)
AKA Little Witches

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Michelle Bauer ... Mrs. Turnbull
Vanessa Brink ... Cleopatra
Michelle Maylene ... Elaine
Christine Nguyen ... Sheri
Holly Sampson ... Carrie
Randy Spears ... Jack

Jessie Lunderby ... Sexy Cop

Witches have moved into the neighborhood and Michelle Bauer is not happy about it. Christine Nguyen and her husband have irked the neighbors with their sexual sorcery. Holly Sampson has come down from sexual witch heaven to help Christine navigate the modern world. She imports Cleopatra for reasons that are too ridiculous to mention. It all ends with a lot of mediocre sex and a great ad campaign for Christine's husband. But I'm with Bauer. Her neighbors are bringing down property value in the softcore neighborhood.

"Sexual Witchcraft" is another misfire from Fred Olen Ray. Here we see the importance of casting and making sure that the performers have some sort of chemistry with each other. "Sexual Witchcraft" demonstrates clearly that Ray has been watching too much television. The movie is filled with stunt casting that serves nothing except bringing the movie down. I knew about Holly Sampson and her Tiger Woods liason but I had to dig a little deeper to figure out why the other women, (except Christine Nguyen), were in this movie.

Jessie Lunderby plays a busty cop who bumbles around Christine's house for no reason other than this movie needed a busty cop. Actually there is a reason she's wearing a cop uniform. Lunderby used to be a cop until she got let go after posing for Playboy. So Ray the carny had to jump on this exploitation opportunity as fast as possible. But Ray forgot about the part where she showcases her carnal skills and instead relies more on her acting skills. Newsflash: She has no acting skills. Get back to the sex. But her sex scenes are a bust as Ray starts a lesbian scene with her and Holly Sampson only to abruptly end it. So why did she need to be in this movie? Only a bored Ray knows for sure.

Ray also casts Vanessa Brink as Cleopatra. Brink appeared on an episode of "Intervention, (great show), supporting her husband. She is also known as pornstar Cassandra Cruz so it's hard to figure out where Ray spotted her first. Brink is in the only decent sex scene when she runs into a horny Holly Sampson. But the rest of the sex scenes in "Sexual Witchcraft" are worthless. It's all about lazily going through the motions as Ray amuses himself with his eccentric cast. "Sexual Witchcraft" can be skipped.

One last thought, why is Michelle Bauer being neglected? She is the mother of all MILF's. I was sure there was going to be a scene where Christine puts a spell on Bauer to break her out of her spinster shell. This movie needed Michelle's magic. She's the real sex sorceress. She's still got the body and I know she can still cast a spell on late night audiences. We need a reunion of the Nightmare Sisters to make amends for these lame movies. Quigley, Stevens and Bauer can lift the curse Ray and his ludicrous casting choices have wrought on late night cable.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 busty cops