Sunday, July 30, 2006

"The Tooth Fairy" review

The Tooth Fairy (2006)

Directed by Chuck Bowman
Writing credits Stephen J. Cannell Corey Strode

Carrie Fleming.... Stephanie/Star Roberts
Nicole Muñoz.... Pamela Wagner
Jianna Ballard.... Emma
Lochlyn Munro.... Peter Campbell

I was sent this DVD. “The Tooth Fairy” is about a Tooth Fairy. A killer Tooth Fairy of course. While renovating a house in the middle of nowhere, the Tooth Fairy is awakened from her slumber by foolish renovaters. Now she wants teeth and lots of them. The little girl who’s staying there just had her tooth knocked out and the Tooth Fairy wants it. Bad. She will grind up anyone who gets in her way. Toooooooth!

Well, I thought this movie was going to be lame but it actually turned out OK. What saves it? Hilarious gore scenes! The Tooth Fairy is, for all intents and purposes, an ugly old lady with a hatchet. But Granny Fairy has got an ax to grind and she loves using it. Oh, and let’s not forget about her nail gun. A Tooth Fairy should always have a nail gun handy. This Tooth Fairy puts it to good use. It was a nail gun massacre! Loved it.I also must give her credit on her various other kills, especially the bumpkin brother’s slaughter. She is pretty quick with that hatchet. I was not disappointed with the blood and guts in this one.

“The Tooth Fairy” delivers in the gore department but the scares are not there. In fact, the whole pacing of the movie seems off. It plays like a TV show with little detours into drama and goes down other avenues that have nothing to do with a killer Tooth Fairy. There were a lot of stops and starts. Once the Tooth Fairy threat manifested itself, the movie should have kept rolling. But once she did show up with her trusty hatchet and/or nail gun, the blood started flowing and I was happy.

Overall, “The Tooth Fairy” is a decent straight to video horror flick. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 nail gun-wielding tooth fairies

"Chupacabra Terror" review

Chupacabra Terror (2005)

Directed by John Shepphird
Writing credits Steve Jankowski John Shepphird

John Rhys-Davies.... Captain Randolph
Giancarlo Esposito.... Dr. Peña
Dylan Neal.... Lance

One of the worst movies I ever saw was a little slice of agony called "El Chupacabra". It was a horrific, painful film. It soured me on the Chupacabra monster. I always thought that a monster legend like the Chupacabra deserved a decent film. "Chupacabra Terror" is a good step in the right direction. It is worlds better than "El Chupacabra" but that's not hard to do.

So the Chupacabra gets brought aboard a cruise ship. Before you know it, the beast is loose and killing people as fast as he can. Luckily there is a Marshal aboard the vessel to assist in the Chupacabra hunt. If he doesn't get the job done, there's always the captain's freckled aerobics instructor daughter there to whip out some Tai Chi on the creature. The captain soon realizes he needs professional help and calls in the Navy SEALs. They show up with bicycle helmets on and proceed to hunt the beast. The Chupacabra may be too much monster for anyone to handle.

I enjoyed this flick. "Chupacabra Terror" is a pure monster movie. Nothing fancy, just a monster and victims and lots of blood. The Chupacabra was a killing machine. He was the master of the take-down. No matter who you were, the Chupacabra would bring you down. He liked to sneak up on people and jump on their back. Then he would proceed to rip and tear. Many dead bodies will litter the cruise ship before he's done. "Chupacabra Terror" is the best Chupacabra movie I've ever seen. I'm now ready for more.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Chupacabras

"Hard to Die" review

Hard to Die (1990)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Mark Thomas McGee James B. Rogers

Gail Harris.... Dawn Grant (as Robyn Harris)
Karen Mayo-Chandler.... Diana (as Lindsay Taylor)
Deborah Dutch.... Jackie (as Debra Dare)
Melissa Moore.... Tess
Bridget Carney.... Shayna

I bought this video for two bucks. The video box for "Hard to Die" makes it very clear what it's trying to sell. The front of the box has a woman holding a machine gun in her underwear. The back of the box has pictures of other lingerie models firing machine guns. There are also two pictures of women in leather who do not appear in this film. You know that they don't appear in the movie because they're not in their underwear. The video box also has a four star rating from Joe Bob Briggs declaring that this is the "…female version of DIE HARD…" In fact, that quote is plastered on the back and both sides of the video box. So remember, "Hard to Die" is the female "Die Hard". Then logically, "Die Hard" is nothing more than a male "Hard to Die".

Well, I have now seen "Hard to Die" and I can assure you that this is not the female "Die Hard". It's about what almost every Jim Wynorski flick is about: Getting hot women to take their tops off. In that respect, "Hard to Die" is a success. So five hot chicks head to an office building to do a lingerie inventory count. You see, they work at a lingerie company. Convenient, eh? You'll be happy to know that they decide to change into the lingerie when their work clothes get wet. But before they do, they must take a shower. Luckily for them, (and the viewer), there's a shower in their bosses office. Really convenient eh? Naturally, these scenes are the highlight of the movie. There are a lot of squeaking sound effects as the ladies scrub their breasts clean.

As for the rest of the movie, it was hard to stay interested. It was trying to be some sort of slasher flick. The ladies were being stalked by the spirit of a killer from another Wynorski flick but no one really cared. There was a fat guy who kept getting stabbed and shot but no one cared about him either. The only thing to care about here is the women running around in their underwear. They only start shooting machine guns at the very end of the movie but at least they're in their underwear when they do it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 lingerie models dying hard

"Scarecrow Gone Wild" review

Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)

Directed by Brian Katkin
Writing credits Brian Katkin

Ken Shamrock.... Coach Ramsey
Matthew Linhardt.... Jack
Samantha Aisling.... Beth
Caleb Roehrig.... Sam

"Scarecrow Gone Wild". What insane B-movie fan could resist a title like that? I haven't seen the other two Scarecrow movies but when I saw the Scarecrow hanging out by the beach, I knew it was time to party. I envisioned the Scarecrow with a hand-held camera filming topless college girls sunbathing. Then the Scarecrow would hang out with a bunch of frat boys chugging a keg of beer. Chug! Chug! Chug!

Well, "Scarecrow Gone Wild" goes about as wild as a movie with a $500 budget can go. The baseball team decides to do a little hazing on the new kids. This leads to death and Scarecrow rejuvenation. The gang heads to the beach to forget their troubles. It must have been a private beach because there was no one else around for miles. Soon the Scarecrow will bust up the party and get wild on these melodramatic, whining, screaming idiots.

"Scarecrow Gone Wild" has some good points. I counted three naked breast scenes. Those are always good. You can't go wrong with topless women. Never. Impossible. Cheapest, (and best), special effect you can buy. There were also some good death scenes. The guy playing the guitar had a hilarious death as did the woman who came between the Scarecrow and his pick-up truck.

But the movie started to drag me down with its nonstop drama. Hints, accusations, betrayal, lies, regret. These are all emotions that shouldn't be anywhere near a maniacal Scarecrow movie. The Scarecrow should have been partying down more instead of listening to these guys yell and scream at each other. A surfing Scarecrow scene would have been nice. How about a scene with the Scarecrow doing some body shots off of one of the topless chicks? Oh yeah. What a party it could have been.

"Scarecrow Gone Wild" needed a little more wild and a little less drama. It was still a good B-movie. I enjoyed myself.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Girls (and Scarecrows) Gone Wild!
Scarecrow wants a piece of the action. Party!!!

FYI - Some of the pictures above are not from the actual movie. But they should have been.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

"Stacy" review

Stacy (2001)

Directed by Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Writing credits Chisato Oogawara Kenji Otsuki

Norman England.... Jeff
Tomoka Hayashi.... Nozomi
Yukijiro Hotaru
Natsuki Kato.... Eiko

I bought this DVD. On the short list of can't miss movie ideas, "Zombie Schoolgirls" is definitely on there somewhere. "Stacy" is about teenage girls dying and coming back to life as a "Stacy" or zombie. They all wear school uniforms and munch on whatever human body part is around. It all sounds so good. So why do I feel like this movie missed the mark? Why can't I get into their Stacy ways? I think I know the reason. One acronym ruins this movie: N.D.H.

N.D.H. stands for Near Death Happiness. You see, before you become a Stacy, you experience a state of bliss called N.D.H. So the movie focuses on one dying girl and her N.D.H. ride. She befriends a puppeteer and giggles up a storm and drives the viewer into a state of N.D.S.S. or Near Death Stacy Sadness. This girl and her giggles drove me up the wall. By the time "Stacy" got back around to doing what zombie movies should be doing, (undead cannibalism), I was too annoyed to get into it. Giggle girl needed to jump on the Stacy train a lot sooner.

On the plus side, there are plenty of gore scenes to get excited about. Heads are ripped off and many other organs are plundered. "Stacy" isn't a total loss but I should like this zombie schoolgirl movie a lot more than I do. N.D.H. derails it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 overly perky zombies Chainsaw for your Stacy?

"So Close" review

So Close (2002)
AKA Chik yeung tin si

Directed by Corey Yuen
Writing credits Jeffrey Lau

Qi Shu.... Lynn
Zhao Wei.... Sue
Karen Mok.... Hong Yat Hong

SINGING: Just like me, they long to be...Close to you!

If there was one song I never would have associated with a violent shootout scene, "Close to you" by the Carpenters would have to be it. In fact, that song is repeated at least two more times during the movie. It's kind of the female assassin's theme song. They get "So Close" to their targets. Every time they do, it's time to crank up the Carpenters.

Two sisters are high priced assassins. Another lady cop wants to bring them down. There is a conspiracy against the ladies. Dang conspiracies. Rainy days and Mondays always get them down. Soon the cop will join forces with them to stop the bad guys. They've only just begun.

"So Close" is a typical Asian action flick. It makes as much sense as it wants to but it doesn't care if it makes any sense. All you really need to know about "So Close" is that chicks beat the snot out of each other while the Carpenters wail in the background. Have fun.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for Carpenters-inspired violence

"American Psycho" review

American Psycho (2000)

Directed by Mary Harron
Writing credits Mary Harron

Christian Bale.... Patrick Bateman
Justin Theroux.... Timothy Bryce
Josh Lucas.... Craig McDermott
Chloë Sevigny.... Jean
Reese Witherspoon.... Evelyn Williams
Samantha Mathis.... Courtney Rawlinson
Jared Leto.... Paul Allen

My friend and I went out to see this one. The movie started and there were scenes of Manhattan over very cheery music. I thought something was odd. Then the movie shifted to Edward Norton at a bar drinking his brains out. Hey - wait a minute. Edward Norton is the American Psycho? The whole theater starts howling and screaming. They had put "Keeping the Faith" through the projector by mistake. My friend and I were screaming, "People please! Quiet! I'm trying to watch the movie!" Suffice to say, the crowd was a bit agitated by the time the right movie started.

I thought "American Psycho" was hilarious. Most people who were there did not. I think that the majority of the audience thought it was going to be a straight slasher movie. At least some semblance of a horror flick. It's not. Satire is the right word for it. Christian Bale is fantastic as the Psycho Bateman. He's a smarmy Wall Street fake who kills people in his other life. Or does he? The movie leaves it ambiguous as to whether Bateman actually killed anybody. I assumed it was all in his head. Fantasies of murder and mayhem kept Bateman as sane as possible in the fake, back stabbing world he lived in.

It's a funny movie. Just don't expect a horror flick.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Batemans

"Deep Evil" review

Deep Evil (2004)

Directed by Pat Williams
Writing credits Kevin Gendreau Keith Shaw

Lorenzo Lamas.... Trainor
Ona Grauer.... Dr. Cole
Adam Harrington.... Major Michael Ross
Lindsay Maxwell.... Trish

"Deep Evil" is yet another alien in a lab movie. I've only seen about a hundred of these flicks. What's one more? Lamas and friends are sent to secure the aforementioned lab. It is there that they will meet their B-movie destiny. Apparently those crazy scientists have done it again and cloned an alien to turn it into some kind of super weapon. The Lamas gang will have to use all of their military training and hardware if they want to leave this lab alive.Sounds pretty standard doesn't it? There's one big problem though. Two words: Alien Water. They made an alien water monster? No, no, no, oh no...

Yes, it's true. "Deep Evil" manages to be one of the lamest alien in a lab movies I've ever seen. That's a bold statement. So the scientists thought it would be pretty cool if they could make a water monster. They got a couple of drops from outer space and started playing around with it. That might have been a good idea for the scientists but why did the filmmakers think it was worth anything? A water monster? Are you kidding me? How lame can you get? There are actually scenes of the soldiers shooting puddles of water. If that's not a recipe for disaster, I don't know what is.

Soon the filmmakers realize their error and try to make up for it by actually having some monsters in their monster movie. First they spring for some water spiders and then they actually splurge and whip out some aliens. Unfortunately, it all comes too late. "Deep Evil" had already passed the point of disaster by the time the aliens came out to play. This is one alien in a lab flick that needs to be skipped.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 alien puddle monsters

"Ceremony" review

Ceremony (1994)

Directed by Joe Castro
Writing credits Rudy Balli Joe Castro

Emilie Talbot.... Sylvia Brindisi
Forrest J Ackerman.... Sylvia's father
Amy Rohren
Mahbub Shansab.... The Fallen Angel

So there was this big, horned demon on the video box. It was singing to me and begging me to watch it: "Come closer sucker. Won't you rent the scary demon movie?" I was helpless in its gaze. Deer in the headlights. Direct hit.

I watched it and was ripped off. Again. "Ceremony" is a budget supersaver train to nowhere. These horror movies have got the art of the video box down to a science. Too bad the movie making part still eludes some. This movie is a complete yawner. I thought they were saving their money to show us something somewhat exciting near the end. What a joke. It started with nothing and ended with nothing. It was a renter too so I couldn't even bash it to pieces to get some satisfaction. Dang.


"Bloody Murder 2" review

Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp (2003)

Directed by Rob Spera
Writing credits John R. Stevenson

Katy Woodruff.... Tracy Hathaway
Tyler Sedustine.... Jason Hathaway
Amanda Magarian.... Sophie
Kelly Gunning.... Michael
Tiffany Shepis.... Angela

I thought this movie was going to be good but it turns out I was wrong. The first half of "Bloody Murder 2" was genius. The second half was brain melting lame. The DVD cover has a guy wearing a hockey mask and overalls thrusting a hook straight at you. Only one of those mass murderer fashion accessories was in this movie and it wasn't the hockey mask or the hook.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Slasher movies are not murder mysteries. Who cares who the killer is? All we need to know is that there is some nutball wanting to skewer his victims. Then the rest of the movie is their pathetic attempt to survive. People die gruesomely, one morally courageous person lives to battle the beast and slasher man survives for the inevitable sequel. Case Closed. Done and done. Slasher movie rules are written in Hollywood stone. Why do these sinners keep breaking the rules?

For the first half of the movie, I was very pleased. The slasher movie rules were being obeyed. There were bloody murders. Good. There were naked female breasts. Very Good. I must praise the "Bloody Murder 2" love goddess now. Thank you Tiffany Shepis, (Angela). She carries the weight for the other two slacker girls in the cast. Shepis is the only one to get naked. She has a shower scene with one guy and a get back to nature adventure with another guy. She IS the first half of the movie. I cry foul on the other two women. One even makes a point to look into the camera and say girls in horror movies always show their boobs and then die. Yeah? What's wrong with that? Her boobs were held prisoner under tight T-shirts yet they were never set free. She broke the rules. At another point, the main blonde character asks if it's OK if she takes a shower. Well, of course it's OK! Then the filmmakers decide to do the lame shower scene where they show her face, her legs, her back...everything but what you want to see. Take my advice: If you can't show the good stuff, ditch the shower scene entirely. It's lame, it's a foul tease and I felt like breaking the DVD in two pieces. Only Shepis understood what in the heck she was doing in this movie. Again, thanks for picking up the slack left by the other two quitters in the cast.

So then the second half of the movie starts and the movie dive-bombs. There are only so many false alarms I can stand. Is this person the killer or how about this idiot? The girls become junior league detectives. Clues are everywhere but the slasher is absent. Why wasn't Trevor or whoever chasing them around with his machete? I just don't understand why the filmmakers would willfully screw up a decent beginning and waste Shepis's fine effort. "Bloody Murder 2" could have been good but it died at its midway mark.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for B-queen Shepis

Friday, July 28, 2006

"The Incubus" review

The Incubus (1981)

Directed by John Hough
Writing credits George Franklin Ray Russell

John Cassavetes.... Dr. Sam Cordell
John Ireland.... Hank Walden
Kerrie Keane.... Laura Kincaid
Helen Hughes.... Agatha Galen

My friend and I were out at a used video store when "The Incubus" caught my eye. There was a demon creature on the front of the video box staring at me with his little red beady eyes daring me to buy the movie. Next to the creature was his tag line: He is the Destroyer. "The Incubus" for only three bucks eh? What a deal! We bought the scary demon movie right away.

Well, this movie stinks. "The Incubus" is another rotten bargain bin disaster. His tag line was correct. He destroyed the VCR with great speed and efficiency. So there's a doctor running around town trying to solve a series of brutal murders. A lot of women are getting raped and killed. The doctor thinks it's a monster. The cops thinks he's nuts. I think this movie stinks.

As a fan of monster flicks, I have but one question. Where's the monster? Why is the Incubus hiding? The Incubus is hiding because the movie doesn't care about him. So why is he plastered on the front of the video box? It's another bait and switch scam from the pits of B-movie making. The movie is really more interested in the mental health of the doctor, who makes eyes at his daughter and worries a little too much about which guy she's dating. "The Incubus" has a few gory scenes but not nearly enough to justify watching it. The only time you'll see this Incubus is on the front of the video box. If you see this demon looking at you from the video box cover, turn your head and run away before he sucks you in.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 horny incubi

"Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects" review

Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects (1989)

Directed by J. Lee Thompson
Writing credits Harold Nebenzal

Charles Bronson.... Lt. Crowe
Perry Lopez.... Eddie Rios
Juan Fernández.... Duke
Peggy Lipton.... Kathleen Crowe

Charles Bronson has had enough. He's had enough of the low down punks who are turning Los Angeles into a disease ridden swamp. He can't stand the sight of Japanese businessmen buying up his city. He gets sick of all the exploitation that surrounds him day after crushing day. And why won't somebody cover up his daughter when she comes out of the pool for Pete's sake? Lousy punks. They're not going to get away with it for much longer.

"Kinjite: Forbidden subjects" is about Charles Bronson getting in touch with his soft, nurturing side. Just kidding. It's a typical Bronson flick in which he gets to bash in the head of anybody he doesn't like. This time a young Japanese girl gets kidnapped by a slimy pimp and Bronson has to find her. This gives him plenty of opportunity to run into many sleazy situations. "Kinjite" doesn't really have any graphic violence but it does keep up a very strong sleaze vibe. It doesn't deal with child prostitution delicately. It's a nasty piece of work. Speaking as a sleaze fan, I enjoyed this film. It could have had a little more action and gun play, but I enjoyed it for what it was.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 punk wasting Bronsons

Thursday, July 27, 2006

"Terror on Tour" review

Terror on Tour (1980)

Directed by Don Edmonds
Writing credits Dell Lekus

Rick Styles.... Fred
Chip Greenman.... Ralph
Rich Pemberton.... Henry
Dave Galluzzo.... Cherry

I bought this video for three bucks. A band called The Clowns is rocking the house. They look like KISS except that they all have big afro wigs with orange streaks in them. Someone is murdering all of the hot chicks who come to their shows. The cops think it's one of the band members getting too caught up in his own sadistic music. Will anyone stop the killer in time? Do I care? When is this over?

I really wanted to like a movie about a killer rock band. I was ready for some serious 80's cheese action. Instead I got stuck with a very lame murder mystery. Who cares who the killer is? I don't. The band doesn't. Nobody does. Women keep getting stabbed to death but nothing fazes the Clowns. They rock on regardless. The gore effects were terrible and most of the movie was shot in the shadowy depths of the rock club. "Terror on Tour" is a stinker.

The only thing positive to say about it is that it had a lot of topless women. Since this flick is from the early 80's, all of the ladies had real breasts. It was a refreshing change of pace from the overly buxom ladies of today. Movie still stunk though. No matter what "Terror on Tour" might have, it's still not worth it.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 killer rock bands

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

"Larva" review

Larva (2005)

Directed by Tim Cox
Writing credits Kenneth M. Badish Boaz Davidson

Vincent Ventresca.... Dr. Eli Rudkus
Rachel Hunter.... Hayley Anderson
William Forsythe.... Jacob Long

It's amazing the things I learn from B-movies. "Larva" taught me an important lesson in larva evolution. Little did I know that larva evolve into flying bat monsters. The townspeople feed their cattle some cheap feed and some larva. The creatures incubate and pop out as bat monsters. Much larva killing follows.

I have seen this movie a hundred million times before. Everything I would expect from a movie called "Larva" is here on display. From the evil corporate guy who wants the nosy scientist to shut his big fat yapper to the hot blonde lawyer who only wants to help and kill lots of flying larva, I have seen this movie before. I keep renting them on the off chance that they might have something a wee bit different to hold my interest. While there is nothing unique about "Larva", it does what it's supposed to do. Larvas explode from bellies and kill lots of people. There are plenty of bloody scenes as larva like to leave the intestines as messily as possible. If you're an undemanding monster movie lover, you'll probably get into it. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 larva guts

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

"Hell Asylum" review

Hell Asylum (2002)

Directed by Danny Draven
Writing credits Trent Haaga

Debra Mayer.... Paige
Tanya Dempsey.... Amber
Sunny Lombardo.... Rainbow
Stacey Scowley.... Stacey

I bought this video for four bucks. Five lovely ladies check into the Hell Asylum. They are there to play the "Chill Challenge". It's a reality based TV show. If you get scared, you're booted out. The producer has rigged the house to scare the ladies and make a few bucks. Little does he know that the Hell Asylum is actually haunted! MOO-HA-HA! Haunted by what you ask? I don't care! MOO-HA-HA!

Well, this was lame. Not that I expected too much mind you, but this was pretty ho hum. "Hell Asylum" is one of those run of the mill B-movies that is instantly forgettable. Soon it will recede to the back of my B-movie watching memory, never to be heard from again. So you got five lovely ladies in the Hell Asylum and yet not one of them can lose their shirt? Tsk. Tsk. For shame. No nudity. Cheap gore. It has all that and less.

It's pointless to criticize such a lackluster piece of blah like this. It doesn't care. I don't care. No one cares. It's unanimous. Let's all just move on and let this sleeping dog lie.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 knocked-out cold dogs

Monday, July 24, 2006

"Zombie Cult Massacre" review

Zombie Cult Massacre (1998)

Directed by Jeff Dunn
Writing credits Jeff Dunn

Bob Elkins.... Jeffrey
Lonzo Jones.... Roach
Amy Ballard.... Jennifer

I bought this movie off of the internet. It was one of those deals where it screams at you: "If you liked "BLANK", then you're sure to like "Zombie Cult Massacre"! Buy one today!" So I bought it. I don't think it's a stretch to say that the only ones who would like this movie are horror/gore fans. In fact, I can't see anyone else in the world even knowing it exists. It definitely fills it's niche. It promises you a Zombie and a Cult and a Massacre and you get all three.

OK,OK. The camera work is shoddy. That's being kind. The sound on the tape I had went in and out. It had problems. The acting was ehhh. It looked like a home movie shot in someone's back yard. Very, VERY cheap looking.

But it did have one strength. An unashamed love of gore, blood and more gore. Zombie effects out the ying yang. The "Fetus Feast" scene was my favorite. The last 20 minutes is a giant battle scene with more shotgun violence than you can handle. Everybody and their mother had a shotgun. If you want to see blood and guts and a ton of shotguns, this movie won't disappoint. Just don't expect much of anything else.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 shotgun blasts

Sunday, July 23, 2006

"Big Trouble in Little China" review

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Directed by John Carpenter
Writing credits Gary Goldman David Z. Weinstein

Kurt Russell.... Jack Burton
Kim Cattrall.... Gracie Law
Dennis Dun.... Wang Chi
James Hong.... David Lo Pan
Victor Wong.... Egg Shen

Kurt Russell is looking for trouble. Big Trouble. He goes to Little China to find it. While collecting a gambling debt, he runs into the Lords of Death and the Three Storms. Sounds like fun. It is! Soon Russell and sidekick will do battle against an army of goons while trying to free a Chinese girl with green eyes. She's being held captive in a nefarious plot to rule the Earth and steal Russell's truck. Russell won't stand for it.

Kurt Russell is hilarious as Jack Burton. He's the star of the movie but he's not really the action hero. Most of the action is left up to his sidekick, (Dennis Dun), who does most of the fighting. Russell is there for the comic relief. Normally I would want my action hero to be thrashing more bad guys but in this case I'll make an exception. His scene infiltrating the brothel is classic. I still laugh each time I see Russell try to punch out one of the Storms and then get slammed across the room.

The action scenes are fantastic in this flick. Everything moves at turbo speed. Once Russell hits Little China, the movie charges into a back alley kung fu showdown and never stops. Everybody talks non-stop when the action needs to take a breather. Russell wants his truck back and will tear his way through whatever bad guy Little China wants to throw at him.

"Big Trouble in Little China" is a great movie. See it.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 Jack Burtons in big trouble

"Run Ronnie Run" review

Run Ronnie Run (2002)

Directed by Troy Miller
Writing credits David Cross Bob Odenkirk

David Cross.... Ronnie Dobbs/Pootie T/Chow Chow
Jill Talley.... Tammy
Bob Odenkirk.... Terry Twillstein/Wolfgang Amadeus Thelonius Von Funkenmeister the XIX 3/4/Daffy Mal Yinkle Yankle

I've seen a few "Mr. Show" episodes and decided to rent this one. I had just seen a sketch the other day about people sending in videotapes of themselves complaining about the show. "I have never, ever, never ever..." and on and on until a football hits him in the groin. The other guy goes on a tirade, "Your show belongs in the gutter, with my garbage! The county made me take my garbage out of the gutter. You know what does belong in the gutter? Your show!" This struck me as hysterical since I had just received e-mails complaining about my reviews. The timing was perfect.

So it was with high hopes that I rented this one. I'm sad to report that "Run Ronnie Run" is a flat tire. I know what the problem is. It's Ronnie. He is a very unlikable character. He is an annoying, stupid hick. A very accurate portrayal of a hick, but that doesn't translate into big laughs. The show would have the two main guys morph into a lot of different characters. This flick has them stuck in one role apiece. Neither of which are that funny. Bottom line: I didn't laugh once.

Check out the "Mr. Show" show when you can. It's good stuff. I think these two guys can easily come up with a funny movie. "Run Ronnie Run" is not it. Run away.

SCORE:1.5 out of 4 Ronnies