"Werewolf in a Women's Prison" review

Werewolf in a Women's Prison (2006)

Director: Jeff Leroy
Writers: Vinnie Bilancio Jeff Leroy

Yurizan Beltrán ... Kelly
Vinnie Bilancio ... Jack
Al Burke ... Badger
Victoria De Mare ... Sarah Ragdale
Eva Derrek ... Rachel
Phoebe Dollar ... Maria
Meredith Giangrande ... Angel
Sindy Lange ... BB
Tamara Melnyk ... Female Prisoner
Tai Chan Ngo ... Werewolf
Jackeline Olivier ... Rita
Bernadette Perez ... Serina
Jed Rowen ... Julio
Natalie Stone ... Robin
Kristen Zaik ... Crystal

An innocent girl is thrown into prison for murder. A werewolf butchered her boyfriend and left her with a cursed bite mark. Once she is inside the cheapest women’s prison in the world, her bloodlust starts boiling. Her body starts convulsing at all of the blatant exploitation raging all around her. She transforms into a werewolf and destroys anything she can get her paws on. The warden and his dominatrix sidekick decide to make a few bucks off of her hairy body. They sell admission to watch her transform into a beast. But when the monster wants to eat, nothing is going to stop her from rampaging.

“Werewolf in a Women’s Prison” is a great B-movie. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There are plenty of exploitation scenes to revel in. After the werebabe has been at the prison awhile, a double shot of sleazy scenes start to make her transform. It’s not the full moon that controls this beast. It’s B-sleaze that drives her crazy. One scene has her friend getting molested by some old guy. As this is going on, two women in cellblock 69 get naked and start making out.(Important side note: One of the women in this sex scene had great floppy breasts. My God, I loved it. Breasts weren’t meant to defy gravity. She was a fine all natural inmate. But I digress). This overdose of B-movie mania unleashes the monster within and she rips and tears through many hapless inmates.

After the werewolf carnage had subsided, I became slightly saddened. The werewolf had eaten over half the cast, (including my beloved floppy breasted beauty), and the movie had run only about 40 minutes or so. Luckily, the filmmakers realized they needed some more victims so they hauled in a fresh batch of inmates. The movie ends with the werewolf letting the prisoners know how she feels about being exploited. Blood and guts spill in large proportions.

“Werewolf in a Women’s Prison” is tailor made for sleaze movie fans. It fits so well. It jumps right into one exploitation scene after another. It’s all done in the name of cheap bloody fun. And I haven’t even mentioned the sweat drinking scene. I won’t spoil it but let’s just say it’s another gratuitous B-movie moment. “Werewolf in a Women’s Prison” is well worth checking out.

One last thought. There was only one crucial scene missing from this women’s prison movie. Where was the mass prisoner shower scene? I was hoping the werewolf was going to show up and start soaping a prisoner’s back. Then the beast would run wild through the shower eating as many naked inmates as possible. The filmmakers probably couldn’t risk getting the werewolf costume wet since it was a rental. They couldn’t afford to blow the $20 deposit getting his fur steam cleaned. Still, the mass shower scene is a staple of the women in prison movie. Of course, when I say mass shower scene, I truly mean the mass nudity scene in a shower is a staple of these movies. And a fine staple it is.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 werewolves in a stripper's prison

The girls all the werewolves want.

"Mother of Tears" review

Mother of Tears (2007)
AKA Terza madre, La

Director: Dario Argento
Writers: Jace Anderson Dario Argento

Asia Argento... Sarah Mandy
Cristian Solimeno... Detective Enzo Marchi
Adam James... Michael Pierce
Moran Atias... Mater Lachrymarum
Valeria Cavalli... Marta Colussi
Daria Nicolodi... Elisa Mandy
Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni... Giselle Mares
Udo Kier... Padre Johannes

The Third Mother is loose and wants to do battle with Asia Argento. The Mother of Tears is the meanest witch and wants to bring death and destruction wherever she goes. Asia is the confused art student who unknowingly opens an ancient box which releases the malevolent spirit of the Mother of Tears and her equally evil pet monkey. All witches have monkeys you know. Asia tries to run away but there is no escape since the entire city of Rome is falling down around her. Many people try to help Asia discover her hidden witchy ways but they usually end up dying horribly. Soon Asia will decide to quit stalling and get this movie going by tracking down the Mother of Tears on her own. I can’t say I ‘m a huge Dario Argento fan so my expectations weren’t too high going into this movie. I really liked “Suspiria” and “Opera” but the other Argento flicks I saw didn’t excite me too much. But I can see why people enjoy his film-making style.

So as a Dario Argento movie, “Mother of Tears” is lacking. I was expecting more of his patented over the top excesses. None of the scenes in “Mother of Tears” really stand out as impressive. It plays as a straight horror flick with generous helpings of gore. If you are a fan of Argento, it’s possible you’ll hate this movie.

But as a sleazy B-movie, “Mother of Tears” is pretty good. The gore scenes do not disappoint. Many heads, arms and intestines are ripped apart with maniacal glee. There is also a generous helping of nudity as the Third Mother and her coven like to get topless. Asia also manages to make friends with a lesbian couple who don’t let little details like evil witches about to kill them spoil their lovemaking.

The pacing in “Mother of Tears” is what starts to drag it down. The movie lurches back and forth in stops and starts. One minute some fool will be droning on about the legend of the Three Mothers and the next they’ll be hacked to death. I was really hoping the movie would kick into gear but it never did. Asia should have accepted her destiny as a horror movie heroine sooner and attacked the coven. For some inexplicable reason the movie kept slowing down to talk when it should have been going for full tilt carnage.

But overall, “Mother of Tears” has a sufficient helping of exploitation to make it worth checking out. I’m more of an Asia Argento fan myself so I got my money’s worth. There were enough gory moments here to satisfy my B-movie blood lust. I had a good time.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 blood lusting witches

And one more Asia Argento pic for the road.

OK, two more.

"Doomsday" review

Doomsday (2008)

Director: Neil Marshall
Writer: Neil Marshall

Adeola Ariyo ... Nurse
Emma Cleasby ... Katherine Sinclair
Christine Tomlinson ... Young Eden Sinclair
Vernon Willemse ... David / Gimp
Nathan Wheatley ... Patient "X"
Rhona Mitra ... Maj. Eden Sinclair

The Reaper virus is sweeping across Great Britain. The authorities decide to set up a quarantine zone where the infected can die off at their leisure. Years later, the virus resurfaces to lay waste to the population again. This time the government does the responsible thing and sends a babe with big guns into the hot zone. She’s searching for the cure among the wastelands. She will have to be a Road Warrior while she Escapes from New York, I mean the hot zone. But she can’t wait 28 Days Later to run away. She needs to leave these Streets of Fire before the Warriors get her.The word that kept ringing in my brain after I finished watching “Doomsday” was “derivative”. Not only did I feel like I’d seen this movie before, I got the feeling I had seen this movie many times before in different forms. “Doomsday” goes beyond mere homage. This is out right highway robbery. The director took all of the 80’s movies that inspired him, threw them in the blender and gorged himself on this bloated cocktail of blood and guts.

It’s hard to love “Doomsday” as you know every action scene is lifted from a better movie. But if you’re a B-movie freak, it’s also hard not to get a kick out of all the slobbering love for extreme violence on display here. One mans excess can be another mans treasure.

There are certain movie rules I live by. Like any movie with a decapitation has to be good on some level. Heads and other important body parts fly all over “Doomsday”. There is plenty of gratuitous violence as the head babe, (Linda Hamilton, I mean Rhona Mitra), blasts her way through the wastelands looking for the cure. When she got to the castle and had to have a gladiator fight with a knight in shining armor, I almost lost my mind. The movie had gone far over the top at that point but still wasn’t satisfied until it squeezed in one more Mad Max style car chase.

Needless to say, I was pleased with “Doomsday”. Oh sure, it’s a complete rip-off of every single sci-fi action flick ever made. But it’s a fun one. If you’re looking for some brain dead action, “Doomsday” will serve you well.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 babes of the wasteland

"The Ruins" review

The Ruins (2008)

Director: Carter Smith
Writers: Scott B. Smith

Jonathan Tucker ... Jeff McIntire
Jena Malone ... Amy
Laura Ramsey ... Stacy
Shawn Ashmore ... Eric
Joe Anderson ... Mathias
Sergio Calderón ... Lead Mayan

A bunch of fun loving tourists decide to break away from the pack and do something adventurous while vacationing in Mexico. This line of thinking always spells doom for tourists in horror flicks. They hear that there’s a ruin that the tour guides won’t take you to. It never crosses their minds as to why they won’t take them there, just that there’s an old ruin to explore. Once they find it, the natives won’t let them leave. The ruin doesn’t want them to leave either...
“The Ruins” has a standard horror movie set up that I thought was going to lead somewhere interesting. I was hoping for something monstrously evil to be waiting for them in the bowels of the ruins. I’m sorry to tell you that the only thing waiting for the wayward tourists is killer shrubbery. Yes, the vines on the ruins are carnivorous and want to lure idiotic tourists to their death. I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with killer plants before but “The Ruins” treats us to every gory possibility that this monster has to offer. In fact, you might even say that “The Ruins” truly encompasses the intersection between Hollywood and Vine. HAHAHAHA! Oh man, (wiping tears away), I’ve been waiting to use that line ever since I saw this movie.

I will give “The Ruins” some points for its generous helpings of gore. Vines start crawling towards the tourist’s wounded bodies with alarming regularity. As they spend their days and nights fighting off vines at the ruin, they start to snap under the pressure.
*SPOILER ALERT* The scene where the med student amputates the guys legs was particularly disgusting. That was a true orgy of gore. It made me wince with joy.*END SPOILER*

“The Ruins” is trying to be a psychological horror flick as we watch this group of friends crack under vine-filled pressure. It does deliver some good gore scenes and some decent suspense when they are crawling around the belly of the ruins.

But overall I didn’t feel that there was a sufficient payoff with this movie. I’m a big monster fan and proud of it. There should have been some sort of beast that the vines were attached to. I needed one to be waiting in those ruins. Instead I got a lot of hungry plants.

Why couldn’t they have burned the plants? Poisoned them? Whipped out the weed whacker? Break out the lawnmower? Show those weeds who’s boss of these ruins. Letting plants get the better of you is a sorry way to die in a horror flick. But getting your head ripped off and then thrown down the steps of the ruins by a slobbering beast, now that’s how a man wants to go out.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 killer weeds

"Hood of Horror" review

Hood of Horror (2006)

Director: Stacy Title
Writers: Jacob Hair Tim Sullivan

Snoop Dogg ... HOH / Devon
Ernie Hudson ... Roscoe
Danny Trejo ... Derelict
Pooch Hall ... Sod
Anson Mount ... Tex Jr
Daniella Alonso ... Posie
Lin Shaye ... Clara
Brande Roderick ... Tiffany

Snoop Dogg is a hood demon. He harvests the souls of anyone who brings horror to the hood. Whether it’s a malicious tagger with a deadly can of spray paint, a bunch of lowlife slumlords or a greedy rapper, they all get what’s coming to them. Snoop introduces each story and carries off the carcasses of the unfortunate souls who cross his path.

“Hood of Horror” takes its inspiration from “Tales from the Crypt”. It has three horror tales from the crypt/hood with Snoop acting as the evil narrator and laughing at the poor choices the suckers make. Immoral fools will always get what’s coming to them when they cross the demon Dogg. It’s all a gruesome way to teach lethal lessons to people who think they can get away with committing sin.

It’s also a very cheap way of telling a story. “Hood of Horror” looks like it cost about 50 bucks to make. They must have had a few generic urban sets left over from some other B-flick and decided to crank out another movie. Snoop was probably only available for a weekend anyway so they had to work fast. “Hood of Horror” is cheap and sloppy and proud of it. “Rush job” was the first thing to pop in my head after the horror was over.

But “Hood of Horror” keeps moving and delivers some blood and guts so I can’t fault it too much. The best story is the first one with the blood thirsty tagger. That had the most gruesome deaths. The slumlord story had some good gore scenes but the greedy rapper tale was done so cheaply I couldn’t buy into the fantasy that this guy had hit it big. But overall, “Hood of Horror” is a decent B-flick. It brings the carnage to the hood and Snoop picks up the pieces. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Snoops in the hood

"Cemetery Gates" review

Cemetery Gates (2006)

Director: Roy Knyrim
Writers: Pat Coburn Brian Patrick O'Toole

Reggie Bannister ... Belmont
Peter Stickles ... Hunter Belmont
Aime Wolf ... Dr. Christine Kollar
Nicole DuPort ... Kym
Kristin Novak ... August
Howard Berger ... Stoner Dude Doug
Gregory Nicotero ... Stoner Dude Michael

Activists decide to release a mutated Tasmanian devil on the world because they can’t stand the sight of such a magnificent monster being locked up. The beast goes hog wild with his new found freedom and proceeds to tear them to bits. The monster makes his escape to a graveyard where an amateur zombie movie is being filmed. He decides to bust up the student filming so that he can show them how a real blood soaked horror movie is made. Many fools die badly trying to escape the monster’s wrath and a good time is had by all.

“Cemetery Gates” combines two of my favorite B-movie elements: A rubber suited monster and copious amounts of blood and guts. The Tasmanian devil, (which goes by the name Precious), is a fine example of how a monster should behave in these movies. He shows no mercy to whoever is stupid enough to cross his path. He doesn’t take kindly to any kind of rude behavior. If someone should try to use him as a toilet, it will end very badly for that person’s offending anatomy. There’s another great scene where the monster leaps out of nowhere and does a flying tackle on a jogger. I had to rewind that scene a couple of times. There’s nothing like watching an extra hungry monster dive for his food for a few good laughs.

“Cemetery Gates” doesn’t try to be a serious horror movie but instead goes for large helpings of comedic gore. I had a good time watching Precious rampage his way through the cemetery. It delivers everything you would expect from a mutated Tasmanian devil movie. Blood, breasts, gore, and a guy in a rubber suit leaping on screaming people. It’s all here.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hungry devils

"Andre the Butcher" review

Andre the Butcher (2005)

AKA Dead Meat

Director: Philip Cruz
Writers: Philip Cruz James Hyde

April Billingsley ... Jasmine Tyner
Maury Sterling ... Hoss
Heather Joy Budner ... Cookie
Justin Capaz ... Jimbo
Terry Mross ... Sheriff Cooper
Ron Jeremy ... Andre the Butcher

A bunch of cheerleaders are on their way to a competition when tragedy strikes. They crash their car and end up walking to an abandoned house. Unfortunately for them, this is the stomping grounds of Andre the Butcher. Andre, (Ron Jeremy), just happens to be hanging around waiting for someone to kill. There are also some escaped convicts who show up to torment the cheerleaders as well. Throw in some trigger happy cops and you have the makings of a B-movie bloodbath.

“Andre the Butcher” is a fun B-flick. It doesn’t even try to be taken seriously which adds to the sheer joy of watching limbs get blown to pieces. It takes many elements from the B-movie playbook and mixes them together to make a fine cocktail of death and destruction. It also has the obligatory gratuitous lesbian scene. And here it is!Just by the virtue of starting the movie off with a car full of horny cheerleaders we know that the filmmaker’s hearts are in the right place. This movie can only be heading in the right direction.

Luckily for us, it is heading straight into the loving arms of mass murderer and all around big guy Ron Jeremy. Jeremy plays the strong, silent type of killer as he hacks his way through some cheerleaders. A few of Jeremy’s body parts get blown off in the ensuing carnage but he manages to bounce back from these setbacks with the held of a handy stapler. Watching Jeremy and friends bash each other’s heads in are what good times are made of. If you’re looking for a good Saturday night beer fueled bonanza, “Andre the Butcher” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 scary Jeremys

"Mexican Werewolf in Texas" review

Mexican Werewolf in Texas (2005)

Director: Scott Maginnis
Writer: Scott Maginnis

Erika Fay... Anna Furlough
Gabriel Gutierrez... Miguel Gonzalez
Michael Carreo... Tommy
Martine Hughes... Rosie
Sara Erikson... Jill Gillespie
Louie Cruz Beltran... Manny Gonzalez
Mark Halvorson... Brad Furlough
Leslie Marshall... Carol Furlough

There has never been a good movie made about the chupacabra. “Mexican Werewolf in Texas” is no exception. The chupacabra is the monster movie kiss of death. In fact, I will go on record as to say that there will never be a good movie made about the chupacabra. Since no one really knows what it is, it will take some imagination on the filmmaker’s part to bring this blood sucking beast to life. The chupacabra does not strike fear in the hearts of men but he is good for a laugh or two.

So some bored teens are wasting away in Border Town, Texas. The town is famous for being the goat capital of the world. This excites the chupacabra who makes his way over the border so that he can chow down. The town is baffled by these mysterious killings. Tensions are getting high as the white people want to blame the Mexicans and the Mexicans want to blame the chupacabra. I blame this movie. Of course the only people who can save the town from a horrible blood sucking death are the bored teens who have become instant experts in chupacabra hunting.

The werewolf is a fine movie monster while the chupacabra is a disgrace. The chupacabra has no legend behind it to make it interesting. No silver bullets, no full moon insanity, etc. It has no back story at all. It’s just this big hairy beast that likes goat blood. Its name translates into “Goat Sucker”. Goat sucking does not cause terror. At least with a werewolf we know it’s someone who’s cursed to destroy anyone in his path under the light of a full moon. The chupacabra is cursed to destroy any movie he’s in.

As low budget and amateurish as this is, it’s still strangely watchable. There’s just something inherently amusing about watching a guy in a rubber suit attack people. Of course nothing truly interesting happens in this movie but it kept me watching in the hope that the chupacabra would surprise me. He didn’t. You can let this goat sucker go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 goat suckers

"Plasterhead" review

Plasterhead (2006)

Director: Kevin Higgins
Writer: Kevin Higgins

Kathryn Merry ... Maggie
Josh Macuga ... Steve
Ernest Dancy ... David
Raine Brown ... Audra
Gerard Adimando ... Sheriff Earl Taggart
Brandon Slagle ... Henry

A bunch of college students are heading to Miami for a vacation. They decide to take a shortcut through a small town because that’s what you do in horror movies. You always take the shortcut through the scariest backwoods town you can find. This particular stretch of West Virginia is the home of Plasterhead, a fiendish killer who lives out in the woods killing whoever is stupid enough to wander within arms length. The locals are convinced that a black trucker survived a vicious beating and evolved into the killing machine Plasterhead. Soon they will learn that they were right and that their sins have come back to haunt them with plaster on his head.

Is Plasterhead the new Candyman? The answer is an emphatic no. “Plasterhead” tries to take the “Candyman” approach by having a local myth come to life and terrorize the town. The problem is that the town consists of about three people and I didn’t care about any of them. The four jerks driving to Miami were begging to be slaughtered by their insistence on driving in circles around that hick town. But the main problem is that Plasterhead is a lumbering buffoon who couldn’t catch anyone yet somehow always manages to sneak up on people. Candyman could have ripped the plaster off his head in two seconds. Where is Tony Todd when we need him?

“Plasterhead” has a few interesting kill scenes but nothing to get too excited about. The real death blow with this movie is the pacing. Most of the runtime is eaten up by watching the students go back and forth on the merits of staying in town. They don’t even realize that there is a killer Plasterhead after them until about an hour into it and by then you’ve lost all interest. “Plasterhead” can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 plaster mans

"The Witch's Sabbath" review

The Witch's Sabbath (2005)

Director: Jeff Leroy
Writer: Jeremiah Campbell

April Betts ... Keaira
Eric Coffin ... Damian
Gregor Collins ... Derrek
Rikki Dale ... Amber (as Rikki Barry)
Syn DeVil... Auriana
Lori the Gory ... Stripper
Annmarie Lynn Gracey ... Roxy
Ron Jeremy ... Craven Moorehead (The Bible Salesman)
Jed Rowen ... Dave
Lisa Sparxxx ... Meiko

I love the B-movie babes. I really can’t get enough of seeing them do their thing in important cinema like “Witch’s Sabbath”. Although I know full well that the movie is lacking in good acting, plot and other basic aspects of film production, I still get a kick out of these movies. There’s just something about topless women massacring morons that screams entertainment.

A bunch of demonic strippers want to harvest some souls so they can bring on the large breasted apocalypse. They lure some horny idiots, (is there any other kind?), back to their pad so they can get the killing party started. Ron Jeremy shows up as a Bible salesman intent on stopping this evil madness. He doesn’t get very far. Soon the dolts will have to battle the strippers in a fight to the B-movie death.

“Witch’s Sabbath” is a simple movie that will be enjoyed if one is in the mood for a night of cheap blood, cheap T&A, cheap gore, cheap camera work and all around cheapness. Did I mention it’s cheap? Lisa Sparxxx and Syn De Vil are the best special effects the filmmakers could afford and they put them to good use. These two made the movie for me. I had a good time watching them be all the witchy women they could be.

“Witch’s Sabbath” is a joke of a horror movie. There’s nothing remotely scary about it. But as a sleazy B-flick it’s pretty good. It’s worth a look if you’re in the mood for some cheap fun with the B-movie witches.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 witchy women

Scary...

"The Rage" review

The Rage (2007)

Director: Robert Kurtzman
Writers: John Bisson Robert Kurtzman

Andrew Divoff ... Dr. Viktor Vasilienko
Erin Brown ... Kat
Reggie Bannister ... Uncle Ben
Ryan Hooks ... Josh
Rachel Scheer ... Olivia
Sean Serino ... Pris

A mad scientist has had it with humanity. He invents a rage virus that will wipe the scourge of humans off the Earth. But like all nefarious B-movie plans, things go awry. The test subject will not cooperate with the doctor’s master plans and runs amok ahead of schedule. This leads to much blood and gore as the rage virus fills you with the urge to tear people limb from limb. Misty Mundae and friends get in the way of the rampaging rage virus as it spreads from humans to insane vultures. Yes, that’s right. Mad, drooling, blood lusting vultures. It’s a B-movie party.

“The Rage” is an excellent B-movie. I had a great time watching it. It’s set up to be a showcase for gore effects and keeps the blood splatter level high. It starts off with a rage infected human attacking the doctor and then rampaging through some unsuspecting dolts. Once some vultures get their beaks into his dead carcass, they become infected with the virus. They spot Misty and friends and swoop down to finish her off. From there the movie is a nonstop bloodbath. It was a joy to watch.

“The Rage” also holds the distinction of being the best Misty Mundae horror flick I’ve seen yet. Of course, the best Mundae movie of all time is still “The Seduction of Misty Mundae” but as far as normal B-flicks go, “The Rage” is a lot of fun. I still can’t get used to this “Erin Brown” name though. It’s Misty forever. She seems to have shifted gears away from softcore and into horror now so I guess I’ll be seeing her scream her way through B-movie land.

“The Rage” is a perfect Saturday night rental. Blood, gore, severed limbs and psychotic vultures. Well worth checking out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 raging vultures

"Kinky Killers" review

Kinky Killers (2007)

Director: George Lekovic
Writers: Ken Del Vecchio

Michael Paré ... Barry Harper
Charles Durning ... Alexander Hathaway
Beverly Lynne ... Jill Kessy
Brooke Lewis ... Grace Sario
Ken Del Vecchio ... Bob Hathaway / The Figure (as Kenneth Del Vecchio)
Julianne Michelle ... Serena
Brandon Slagle ... Dean Zimmer
Kelli McCarty ... Tori

The end of the world can come about by having copious amounts of anal sex. Hmmm...it must be a Beverly Lynne movie. Indeed it is! Anal loving Beverly shows up as a psychiatrist bent on doggie style world domination.

A couple of cops are investigating a series of sadistic murders. Body parts are showing up all over town with strange tattoos on them. All of the victims are connected to Dr. Beverly and her sleazy boyfriend. Beverly believes in carnal therapy and sometimes lets her boyfriend have some fun with her patients. As more naked women get chopped up, the cops close the net on Beverly and her kinky killers.

“Kinky Killers” is a decent sleaze fest. There is a very convoluted explanation as to why all of the murders are happening. It takes up about five minutes at the end which could have been better spent watching Beverly get naked. It has something to do with a Polycarp and seven churches and some other stuff and ahh who cares? All we need to know is that Beverly likes to get on all fours and wants to rule the world on her knees.

“Kinky Killers” has the usual bumps and clunkiness that B-movies about sadistic ritual murders of naked women always seem to have. But Beverly and friends make up for it with their dedication to exploitation extremes. Watching them encourage incantations while getting pleasured from behind is a fine example of B-movie cinema. If you’re in the mood for some Saturday night sleaze, “Kinky Killers” is a fair rental. It’s certainly not a horror movie but has some moments of B-movie sleaze that could be worth checking out.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 kinky Beverlys

"Bit Parts" review

Bit Parts (2006)

Director: Dave Reda
Writer: Jon Rosenberg

Michelle Angel ... Maggie Cranston
Molly Fix ... Melissa Martin
Sarah Gordon ... Brenda Martin
Christopher Page ... Doctor Cranston
Dave Reda ... Bobby DuMont
Peter Redman ... Detective Tony Giallo
Sean Spence ... Phil

A madman is stalking the wannabe actresses of Hollywood. He’s holding phony auditions so that he can get women to show him their bit parts. He wants to cut off their most attractive features so that he can attach them to his hideously deformed daughter. When he sees an actress with a pair of lips that turn him on, he drags her back to his secret lair where he can perform fiendishly cheap operations. Somehow the deranged daughter and her new organ donor bond which puts a hold on the surgery. This buys the actress some time as her sister and a helpful cab driver try to find her before she goes under the knife.

The story of the sleazy guy in Hollywood luring naïve women to their doom is a tried and true formula. Not surprisingly, the producers of this film used the exact same tactic to get actresses to appear in this movie. The ladies thought they were going to be in a movie but instead ended up as body parts on the B-movie floor.

You’d think watching a madman hack off women’s limbs would be more entertaining. But “Bit Parts” is too cheap to really wholeheartedly embrace the concept of maniacal doctors at work. If there’s one thing “Frankenhooker” taught us, (and it has taught us a lot), is that when making a B-movie about lopping off parts of women, make sure you attach it to something sleazy. Watching the doctor’s daughter get excited about new boobies left me yawning. I didn’t want that brat to get new boobies. I didn’t want her to get anything her little whining heart desired. The doc should have stuffed her in the vat of acid and made a new daughter from scratch. That’s what good times are made of.

“Bit Parts” tries it’s best to be an entertaining B-flick but I couldn’t get into it. It’s too cheap to do the ripping and tearing it needs to. You might get into it if you’re looking for a light hearted take on female organ removal. As for me, I like my evil doctors to remove bit parts with maniacal glee, not psychotic fatherly love.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 female parts

"Harlots of the Caribbean" review

Harlots of the Caribbean (2006)
AKA Bikini Pirates
AKA My day at the Pier

Nicole Sheridan ... Jill
Voodoo ... Dustin (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Beverly Lynne ... Susan
Randy Spears ... Joe
Evan Stone ... Captain Tygus
Rebecca Love ... Morganna the Pirate
Cassie Young ... Morganna's Captive

Did you know today was the last day to ride the Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier? They’ve sold it on ebay to some guy in Oklahoma City. He says he’s going to put it in one of his suburban developments. A new Ferris wheel will be installed at the Pier soon but before the old one got broken down and shipped off, I thought I’d head down there and give it one last ride. Actually it’ll be my first and last ride as I have never been on it before.

So I hit the 3rd St. Promenade and walked toward the Pier. The Promenade begs the question, how many hustlers can I run into before making it to the Pier? I had headphones around my neck to discourage conversation but of course that didn’t stop the guy from asking me if I was looking to buy something? I smiled at him and kept going. I always smile. Remember this 3rd St. safety tip: Smile.

I made it to the Pier and headed toward the Ferris wheel.There was an Iraq war protest going on which looked interesting. Coffins and grave markers littered the Santa Monica beach.I took this as an ominous sign. But I had made it this far so I had to keep going. The line was a little long because everybody got to ride for free today. I put the headphones on and waited patiently.

I finally make it to the front of the line. Oh boy oh boy oh boy! As I’m getting on the Ferris wheel, Gary Busey walks off. That’s right. Mr. “Silver Bullet” himself walks off the Ferris wheel with a blonde woman. If this ride is good enough for Busey, it’s good enough for me. Busey, (in the white baseball cap), knows how to party.
You see, a Ferris wheel is a lot like a late night skin flick. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes it seems to drag on forever and you just want to get off as quickly as possible. Sometimes it leaves you hanging limp in the wind. And sometimes it gives you a beautiful view and you just want to soak it in forever.“Harlots of the Caribbean” is a Ferris wheel sex flick. Some scenes are worth soaking in while others need to end as soon as possible. Beverly Lynne and friends head to the countryside to have sex. They have an old pirate treasure map which tells them the best place to get naked. X marks the spot with S-E being right in front of the X. Make that XXX. Rebecca Love is the large breasted pirate queen who really wants to get laid. She gets her wish as everyone wants to walk her plank. Arrrh me hearty’s.

I love watching Beverly Lynne get laid. She just seems like a woman you could have a shot with. You know, someone you could hang out with and have some fun. Of course the Beverly Lynne of my fantasies could all be a lie. But what a sweet lie it is. Rebecca Love has the kind of all purpose body you could spend a few quality hours with. And I’m talking quality! Her scene with Nicole Sheridan at the end was the highlight of the movie.

There were some other sex scenes but there really not worth dwelling on. Nicole Sheridan looks and acts like the porn star she is. Nothing about her seems remotely real. Her scene in the shower made me want to jump overboard. But then again the last scene with Rebecca makes me want to sing YO-HO-HO and a bottle of rum! I don’t know why but it does. So if you’re looking for some late night fun with a few good panoramic views, “Harlots of the Caribbean” is not a bad ride.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Ferris wheels

Goodbye!

"Wrestlemaniac" review

Wrestlemaniac (2006)
AKA El Mascarado Massacre

AKA The Mexican Porn Massacre

Director: Jesse Baget
Writer: Jesse Baget

Rey Misterio Sr. ... El Mascarado
Irwin Keyes ... Stranger
Adam Huss ... Alphonse
Leyla Razzari ... Dallas (as Leyla Milani)
Margaret Scarborough ... Debbie
Jeremy Radin ... Steve
Catherine Wreford ... Daisy
Zack Bennett ... Jimbo

I am going to chug a Negra Modelo before writing this review. You’ve got to get into the spirit of things when writing about a movie called “Wrestlemaniac”. Ready? Here we go. Chug! Chug! Chug! This is full contact reviewing here. Only a little bit more to go now. It’s gone. Now for my finishing move. I’m going to have a shot of Patron in a shot glass I got from Vegas. I’ve been saving this glass for a special occasion. Discussing the merits of a killer masked wrestler movie demands tequila. Cheers! Off the top rope! OK. I’m ready now.

An amateur porn crew heads to Mexico to film some porn. Instead of going to a sleazy motel, they decide to stop in a sleazy ghost town. It is there that the fat dork of the crew tells them the legend of the big masked wrestler who liked to rip people’s faces off. This turns the director on and he wants to make it with his porn hotties as soon as possible. After a few breasts have been seen, the wrestlemaniac makes his appearance. Faces are torn off while the crew runs for their lives. Thankfully the fat dork knows how to defeat the wrestlemaniac. You’ve got to unmask the masked maniac and he will run away forever. Easier said than done.

“Wrestlemaniac”. What a great idea for a B-movie. There should be more B-movies with porn casts getting attacked by masked wrestlers. There are so many more avenues to explore with this particular genre. You could have a tag team match between two masked maniacs and two S&M dominatrixs. Or a lesbian steel cage match! Or MILF’s vs Maniacs! The sleaze potential is endless.

“Wrestlemaniac” is content with just scratching the surface of sleaze possibilities. It delivers the bare minimum of what you would expect from an important piece of cinema called “Wrestlemaniac”. There is a brief porno scene and the wrestler does rip some faces off. It’s got some blood and hot babes so you know that's always good. There is also one wrestling scene in the movie. I’m glad it was in there but I was hoping for more. Some graphic eye gouging and hair pulling with the porn babes could have been the ticket to sleaze nirvana.

Overall, “Wrestlemaniac” is a fair B-movie. It moves along and gives you a little bang for your buck. It may be worth a look. I just hope in “Wrestlemaniac 2” they decide to throw down and put the wrestle back in “Wrestlemaniac”. It needs some more porn body slamming action to make it a sleaze classic.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 wrestlemaniacs

"Zombie Strippers" review

Zombie Strippers (2008)

Director: Jay Lee
Writer: Jay Lee

Robert Englund... Ian Essko
Jenna Jameson... Kat
Roxy Saint... Lillith
Joey Medina ... Paco
Shamron Moore ... Jeannie
Penny Drake ... Sox
Jennifer Holland ... Jessy
John Hawkes ... Davis
Jeannette Sousa ... Berengé
Whitney Anderson ... Gaia
Carmit Levité ... Madame Blavatski

I saw “Zombie Strippers” at the Nuart. I would have thought less of myself if I had passed up an opportunity to see a film called “Zombie Strippers” in the theaters. I also got a free Jenna Jameson comic book out of the deal. It came with the ticket. Could life get any sweeter?! I grabbed my candy and soda and made my way to the front. I had to see the zombie stripping up close.

So a zombie virus escapes a government lab. An infected soldier from the zombie hit squad runs for cover in a strip club. Of course he does. When he sees Jenna Jameson stripping, it drives him wild for her flesh. He proceeds to eat a good chunk of her. This turns out OK for Jenna as being dead increases her stripping skills. Soon the other girls get jealous of all the attention undead Jenna is getting and decide they want to join the zombie gravy train. But zombie strippers need to eat and the downside to ghoulish stripping becomes apparent as a room full of customers becomes a room full of mindless zombies. More blood, breasts and zombie chaos follow.

Jenna Jameson is a master hair flipper. She is right up there with Nikki Fritz in the hair flipper Hall of Fame. And stripping? Jenna Jameson is a world class stripper. Jenna pounces on stage after getting a zombie bite to show the club how the undead can dance. If you don’t get turned on by seeing Jenna Jameson strip while blood runs over her body, you don’t like B-movies. This scene was the highlight of the movie. Jenna Jameson’s undead strip tease was a sublime B-movie moment. I was entranced.

“Zombie Strippers” is a fun B-movie. A complaint I often make about these movies is that the filmmakers don’t put enough effort into it to make it fun or sometimes even worth sitting through. “Zombie Strippers” does not have that problem. The filmmakers took great care in making sure fans will enjoy it. Robert Englund did a good job as the sleazy club owner and the guy who played the janitor had me laughing. His scene naming his bullets for his last stand was hilarious.

“Zombie Strippers” is packed full of B-movie goodness. It had naked breasts, undead breasts, Goth breasts, redhead breasts and some more naked breasts. There’s also blood, guts, exploding heads, and zombie stripper catfights. This movie has it all! I was very pleased. Go see some dead strippers!

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Jennas

Jenna's main zombie stripper rival. As you can see, the movie was amazing.