"Pervert!" review

Pervert! (2005)

Director: Jonathan Yudis
Writer: Mike Davis

Mary Carey ... Cheryl
Sean Andrews ... James
Darrell Sandeen ... Hezekiah
Juliette Clarke ... Patty
Sally Jean ... Alisha
Jonathan Yudis ... Mechanic
Tula ... Hitchhiker
Candice Hussain ... Marissa

“Pervert!” tells the tale of a boy and his wandering schlong. He comes home for the summer to find his dad has shacked up with presidential porn star Mary Carey. She can’t resist his young, geeky ways and proceeds to jump his bones. Known fact: Women can’t resist geeks, especially porn star women. They’re putty in our hands. Tragedy strikes their relationship as she turns up missing after running afoul of dear old dad. From there the movie gets wacky as a hex comes back to haunt the geeky stud and has disastrous consequences for his budding love life.

“Pervert!” is one of those movies you’ll know whether you’ll like it or not in the first five minutes. It goes for low brow comedy and lots of topless women. That’s a winning combination in my book. It’s a movie dedicated to the spirit of Russ Meyer with plenty of buxom women and stupid men running wild in the desert.

You’ve got to hand it to Mary Carey. She might not be able to act to save her life but at least she looks like she’s having a good time. She gets topless through most of her scenes and I approved of every one of them. When she leaves the movie, other large breasted women roll in to take her place but Carey still reigns supreme over all of them.

So because the movie couldn’t just be about a geek having sex with Mary Carey, (but why not?!), they decide to throw in some black magic curse.

*SPOILER ALERT*

In order to get women to go crazy for him, our goober hero went to a witch doctor to get a stud spell cast on him. The side effect of his love potion is that his penis wants revenge against all of the women he’s done the no-pants dance with. Yes, his penis is detachable and very angry. When I saw the claymation penis attacking the woman in the bathtub, I can honestly say I was surprised by this perverted turn of events.

*END SPOILER*

“Pervert!” has some funny scenes and plenty of topless women. I laughed a couple of times. If you’re in the mood for a goofy, bloody love letter to Russ Meyer, “Pervert!” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 corn loving Careys

"The Grand Horror" review

The Grand Horror (2007)

Directed by: MaT

Writing Credits: MaT

Starring: A bunch of University of Nebraska students

I was sent this DVD screener. It makes me feel important when I get sent movies. This one was actually sent through MySpace which is a first for me. But does it influence the review when you get the movie for free? In my case, I don’t think so. I’ve bashed movies guys have sent me. They’ve even included letters with the movies explaining some of the shortcomings and asking for a fair, (merciful), review. My thought there is, don’t send the movie if you can’t handle criticism. I’m not seduced by a free movie. Of course I’ve never heard from most of those guys again. Maybe we’re all better off that way.

You might think I’m building up to a bashing of “The Grand Horror”. But believe it or not, it wasn’t that bad. Repetitive and a little bit monotonous but I’ve seen worse. A bunch of University of Nebraska students got together over a couple of weekends and made their zombie flick. Apparently they got a deal to film in the coolest movie theater in Nebraska so they jumped at it. I’ve never been to Nebraska so I’ll take their word on the coolness of the Grand Theater.

So a bunch of friends are running from zombies and end up in the coolest theater in Nebraska. They spend the rest of the movie wandering the theater in search of food, booze and places to hide from zombies. But there is an early warning system associated with the zombies which can alert would-be victims to their presence. Whenever the zombie is about to strike, plastic drop cloth is laid on the floor. The zombie is a neat freak who doesn’t like to spray blood and guts everywhere. It helps him wrap up his dinner at the end anyway.

I think the best thing you can say about “The Grand Horror” is that it shows promise. It follows the B-movie playbook by placing all the action in one setting so the monsters don’t have to travel too far to kill the cast. It also has a lot of scenes with guys with flashlights checking out the same hallway over and over. Nothing says filler like guys stumbling around with flashlights. But for what it was, “The Grand Horror” was a decent exercise in zombie horror.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Nebraska zombies

"American Nightmare" review

American Nightmare (2002)

Director: Jon Keeyes
Writer: Jon Keeyes

Debbie Rochon ... Jane Toppan
Brandy Little ... Jessie McClain
Johnny Sneed ... Wayne Holcomb
Heather Haase ... Melanie Ryan
Rebecca Stacey ... Misty McClain
Brinke Stevens ... Lisa

A bunch of friends are hanging out on Halloween. Some weirdo on the radio wants to know all about their darkest fears. They decide to call him up and tell him what scares them. The usual movie-related fears roll out: Being buried alive, attacked in the shower, voodoo curses, etc. These people are students of horror movies even though they’ve been scarred for life from them. Someone else has been paying close attention to their list of horrors. She has been waiting for this day so she can shove the things that terrorize them down their throats. A dark haired killer named Jane is stalking them one by one and won’t stop until they’ve all suffered.

“American Nightmare” showcases Debbie Rochon at her best. She’s Crazy Jane stalking her prey so she can scare them to death with their deepest fears. Her dark haired, seductive look is perfect in this one. One guy is afraid of dying during sex. Thank God Crazy Jane is here to help him meet his maker. She doesn’t have time for sex when there are so many more deserving cretins that need to die. But Debbie does give us a topless scene so all is not lost.

What’s interesting about “American Nightmare” is how it shows us what Debbie Rochon is capable of. This is probably the best Debbie Rochon flick I’ve seen yet and I’ve seen a lot of Debbie in my day. “American Nightmare” gives her an interesting character to work with and lets her use her sex appeal to great effect as the seductive Jane.

But what it really shows us is that Rochon needs to stop wasting time taking a cameo in every low budget movie that comes along and try to find more flicks like this one. I can think of two LANDFILLS off the top of my head that she didn’t need to be in. Two disasters named “Bog Creatures” and “Corpses are Forever” that stunk so badly that even Debbie couldn’t save it. Its movies like those that start to wear down the goodwill that is generated by seeing her name on a video box. But it’s a cool horror flick like “American Nightmare” that makes seeing her name a thrill.

Of course, “American Nightmare” is not a perfect movie but for a low budget B-flick it’s pretty good. It moved right along and didn’t get tied down on any unnecessary filler scenes. One thing that is lacking is the amount of blood and gore. There is barely any blood in this one and certainly no gore to speak of. A lot of the killings happen off screen which was disappointing. But Crazy Debbie was a sight to see and kept the movie humming along with her psychotic need for Halloween homicides. “American Nightmare” is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 crazy Debbies

"The Breastford Wives" review

The Breastford Wives (2007)

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Taylor Wayne (as Taylor Wane)
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Monique Parent

The women of Breastford have a secret. They’re all sex slaves to the powerful Dr. Pimp Daddy. The good news is that they hate keeping secrets and start banging the new guy in town before he can even unpack. Stud man has brought along Glori-Anne Gilbert for the ride and she gets to go a few rounds with the Breastford Wives. Many more sex starved women will service super stud and Dr. Pimp Daddy until his nefarious plans are revealed by a horny Monique Parent. More brain washed sex follows.

OK. It’s official. I can’t deny it any longer. Glori-Anne Gilbert just does not do it for me. I don’t care how big her breasts are. Magnetism, sex appeal, and other elements that attract are deficient in her. In “Breastford Wives” she plays the bubble headed wife who gets to have threesomes with some of the wives. Once again she manages to turn each three-way into a waste of time. The infamous bath and hot tubs from “Lust Connection” and “Witches of Breastwick” make their triumphant return but they put Glori-Anne in with the bubbles and it all falls to pieces. Let’s put it this way, I fast forwarded through all of her sex scenes. When I pass up a lesbian three-way, you’ve got problems.

I know, I know. She’s probably a really nice person and I’m a mean guy for putting down her softcore skills. But that’s the problem. She’s too nice. She doesn’t give off any sort of desirability. She’s OK in a guy/girl sex scene but lesbians scenes are a bust. She doesn’t look like she knows what she’s doing and even if she really loves being with other women, it doesn’t look like she wants to be there. Doctor Pimp would have to whip up an extra potent love potion to get her up to Breastford wife status.

As for the rest of the movie, it was a typical Wynorski softcore adventure shot at his favorite cabin up in the woods. They must have had two days left on the lease and decided to squeeze in one more sex flick. Any girl who could make the drive up there got to be in the movie.

The main Breastford wife was Taylor Wane and she gives the town of Breastford a good name. She makes a fine welcoming committee. Thanks to her horny master’s policies, she gets to have a lot of practice in welcoming new people to the neighborhood. One scene had Dr. Horny have his three favorite sex drones line up on his bed on their hands and knees. He couldn’t decide who to have anal sex with so he bangs all three. That’s how a pimp daddy rolls. At least he’s using his advanced mind control technology for something useful.

“Breastford Wives” is a decent softcore flick. It’s not too exciting but with this many naked Breastford women, I can’t totally condemn it. Like “Lust Connection” and “Witches of Breastwick”, it cuts down on a lot of the fluff and just goes for as much sex as possible. They upgraded a little bit with the main stud this time but there weren’t as many recognizable ladies. Most of the Breastford wives were unknown to me except for Glori-Anne and Taylor Wane. But if you’re in the mood to watch sex crazed women go to town on a guy the second they see him, “Breastford Wives” may be what you’re looking for.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Breastford Wives

"Grindhouse" review

Grindhouse (2007)

Directors: Robert Rodriguez(segment "Planet Terror") (fake trailer segment "Machete")
Eli Roth (fake trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Quentin Tarantino (segment "Death Proof")
Edgar Wright (fake trailer segment "Don't Scream")
Rob Zombie (fake trailer segment "Werewolf Women of the S.S.")

Writers: Robert Rodriguez Quentin Tarantino

Rose McGowan ... Cherry (segment "Planet Terror")/Pam (segment "Death Proof")
Freddy Rodríguez ... Wray (segment "Planet Terror")
Josh Brolin ... Dr. William Block (segment "Planet Terror")
Marley Shelton ... Dr. Dakota Block (segments "Planet Terror"/"Death Proof")
Jeff Fahey ... J.T. (segment "Planet Terror")
Michael Biehn ... Sheriff Hague (segments "Planet Terror"/"Thanksgiving")
Zoe Bell ... Zoe
Michael Bacall ... Omar (segment "Death Proof")
Eli Roth ... Dov (segment "Death Proof")/Tucker (trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Danny Trejo ... Machete (segment "Machete")
Sybil Danning ... Gretchen Krupp (segment "Werewolf Women of the SS")
Quentin Tarantino... The Rapist (segment "Planet Terror")/Warren (segment "Death Proof")
Michael Parks... Earl McGraw (segments "Planet Terror'" and "Death Proof")
Kurt Russell... Stuntman Mike (segment "Death Proof")
Rosario Dawson... Abernathy (segment "Death Proof")
Vanessa Ferlito... Arlene (segment "Death Proof")
Jordan Ladd... Shanna (segment "Death Proof")/Judy (trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Tracie Thoms... Kim (segment "Death Proof")
Mary Elizabeth Winstead... Lee (segment "Death Proof")

“Grindhouse” is a gimmick movie but it’s a good gimmick. I might even go so far as to say that it’s a great gimmick. It combines two B-movie tributes plus some fake trailers all for the low price of one movie ticket. Well, it would have been low if I didn’t decide to go to the Chinese Theater in Hollywood to see it. But I wanted to see this exploitation tribute the right way. All I needed was some drunks screaming at the screen and it would have been perfect.

In order to get the full sleaze effect, “Grindhouse” tries to emulate the look of a 70’s double feature. There are deliberate scratches and imperfections all throughout the film and trailers. There are also a couple of spots during the movies where a MISSING REEL card will flash on the screen and the story will jump ahead. Surprisingly, both of those spots were where some hot and heavy action was about to start. Isn’t that always the way with missing reels?

The trailers during “Grindhouse” were hilarious. I would give “Machete” the nod for best trailer. That was the most ridiculously action packed. “Werewolf Women of the SS” is a movie I’d love to see. I was kind of hoping that the trailer was going to be in horribly dubbed English. Italian-made Naziploitation is the only way to go. I could have used a little more Sybil Danning there too. “Don’t” had me laughing. Just “don’t”. “Thanksgiving” started off kind of weak but made up for it with the cheerleader bouncing to her doom. Having fake trailers to space out the double feature was a great idea and added a lot of sleazy fun to the flick.

“Grindhouse” starts off with Rodriguez’s “Planet Terror”. A toxic cloud gets released and people get infected with the standard B-movie zombie killer virus. You know, shamble along, mutate, eat brains, etc. They start to attack a lot of different B-movie veterans but none is lovelier than Rose McGowan. The first scene in “Planet Terror” has McGowan doing a go-go dance which fixates on her legs. The zombies must have been watching too because they dive for them the minute they see her. The survivors have to massacre many zombies to survive the night. This all leads to the highlight of the flick as McGowan gets fitted for a machine gun for a leg.Yes! Much death and destruction courtesy of Rose’s lethal leg follows.

“Planet Terror” was a lot of fun. It was the highlight of “Grindhouse”. This was the flick that represented the outrageous spirit of the B-movie. It’s a straight ahead, gory zombie flick. Nothing fancy just a whole lot of blood and guts to keep the fans happy.

The second half of “Grindhouse” is Tarantino’s “Death Proof”. A bunch of girls are hanging out in Austin, TX when they cross paths with Stuntman Mike, (Kurt Russell). Stuntman Mike has had his eyes on these lovely ladies for quite some time. He envisions them smeared on his windshield. Why Mike wants to squash them into roadkill is never understood but it doesn’t really matter. Stuntman Mike does what he does because he’s Stuntman Mike. Soon Stuntman Mike will try his death proof car against some ladies who get off on vehicular mayhem as much as he does. Dialogue is Tarantino’s greatest strength. It’s also his greatest weakness. It’s his weakness because he loves to hear himself talk on and on and on... Every character who speaks gives him another chance to reference a movie or a TV show or some vague pop culture reference or just gives him the opportunity to babble on about nothing. Some might call it characterization. I call it filler.

While I have nothing against being a little self indulgent, Tarantino lets himself drag “Death Proof” down with many conversations that go nowhere. His talent for dialogue worked to great effect in “Reservoir Dogs”, (one of my favorite movies), and “Pulp Fiction”, (also in my top 20), when Tarantino was writing hilariously vulgar dialogue between tough guys. But “Death Proof” shows that he just can’t write as well for women. The second half of “Death Proof” stuck us with women so boring that I was rooting for Stuntman Mike to run them down. Even having the New Zealand girl imitate the car hood scene from “Fair Game” had me yawning.

Still, “Death Proof” certainly had its moments. When the girls were behind the wheel and doing battle with Stuntman Mike, the movie came to life. I suspect Tarantino just wanted to see if he could make a really cool car chase scene. Any scenes with cars knocking each other across the road were good. It’s just when the engines turned off that the movie came to a halt. The one exception was Rose McGowan and Stuntman Mike’s meeting in the bar. I especially liked Stuntman Mike’s graphic illustration as to why the driver side of his car is death proof.

Overall, “Grindhouse” delivers a lot of what it promises. I went in hoping for some bloody B-movie thrills and that’s what I got. You should try to see it in the theater if you can. “Grindhouse” is a movie experience well worth having.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 lethal B-movie babes

"Feed" review

Feed (2005)

Director: Brett Leonard
Writers: Kieran Galvin Alex O'Loughlin

Alex O'Loughlin ... Michael Carter
Patrick Thompson ... Phillip Jackson
Gabby Millgate ... Deidre
Jack Thompson ... Richard
Rose Ashton ... Abbey
Matthew Le Nvez ....Nigel

“Feed” is a love letter to gluttony and kink. It’s one of those movies that tries to condemn the perversions of its characters but ends up reveling in them. Of course what it’s really reveling in is its ability to shock its jaded horror audience with something they’ve probably never seen before. “Feed” mixes in perverted websites and psychotic mommy fixations to make a hilariously disturbing flick.

A cop in Australia is surfing the internet to try to find some sickos. He comes across a website that has a guy feeding a woman. When I say feeding, I mean stuffing food down her throat until she becomes a giant disgusting blob. The website is taking bets as to when these women are going to croak. For some reason, the cop decides it’s his duty to fly to the U.S. and save the fat women from exploding from too many cheeseburgers. The rest of the movie has the cop and his weirdo nemesis playing mind games with each other while the house of a woman keeps eating. Feed her.

I always like movies that try to shock you with how sick the world really is. “Feed” delivers some sick thrills. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hear that oldies song “Cherish” again without thinking of this movie. “Feed” touches on a new type of internet perversion for those of us who are ignorant of the more extreme sides of humiliation and domination. Is it a crime to feed someone? What if they want it? How do we get so twisted that we even come up with things like this? These and other questions won’t be answered by watching “Feed” but you will get a peek at the madness that binds two sick people together.

Although I enjoyed “Feed” for it’s commitment in making a sick flick, I don’t see many horror fans getting into it. While there are certainly some horror elements to it, it’s not really a horror flick. It’s more of an attempt to gross you out with it’s obscenely fat bodies and warped sexual fantasies. But I enjoyed “Feed” for the uniquely disgusting experience that it was. “Feed” also has a sick sense of humor about its perverts which is its saving grace. If it tried to play this subject matter straight, it probably would have been a very uncomfortable experience to sit through. As it is, it’s only slightly uncomfortable. Well, slightly uncomfortable for guys like me that is.

One last thought. Fast food burgers are the love potion of choice for the “Feeder”, (guy who stuffs food into the fat woman’s mouth), and the “Gainer”, (immensely huge woman bobsledding her way to an early grave). After seeing the cheeseburgers prepared in this movie, I can’t wait to hit the In and Out burger. Or maybe Fat Burger. I’m not as hungry as big bad mama was, but I could go for a double double. Animal style of course.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 love burgers
Feed the women. Keep them happy.
Oh yeah baby. Extra sauce. You know what I like.
More, more, more!

Dang I'm hungry. Feed me.

"Kinky Pleasures" review

Kinky Pleasures (2006)

Director Woquini Adams

Dee ... Cinnamon
Brooke Hunter ... Sasha
Sean Juergens ... Trey
Julia Kruis ... Collette
Beverly Lynne ... Madison/Morgan
Frank Mercuri ... Pierre

“Kinky Pleasures” has a lot of Beverly Lynne bang for your buck. She plays twin sisters Madison and Morgan. Madison is the hot stripper and Morgan is the shy teacher. Through a series of events, they decide to switch lives. Morgan ends up dancing at that strip club on Pico and Madison heads off to the country. Through the joy of stripping and lots of stripper sex, Morgan ends up releasing a lot of pent-up frustration. Madison finds the fresh country air and a hot stud will heal her troubled mind and body.

“Kinky Pleasures” is a decent Beverly Lynne flick. Beverly goes the way of Jean Claude-Van Damme and spends most of the movie talking to herself/sister. I was waiting for the scene where Beverly has sex with herself but that was probably too kinky. “Kinky Pleasures” has Beverly flashing her naughty and nice sides so we can see her have lots of naughty and nice sex. I was pleased.

But what “Kinky Pleasures” is really about is exploring the dichotomy that rages inside Beverly Lynne. On the one hand, Beverly strikes you as a nice girl that a normal guy might have a shot with. Most of the movies she’s been in she usually plays the innocent, sweet girl. In “Kinky Pleasures” she protests to her stripper friend that just because a guy has money shouldn’t mean everything. Sweet, innocent Beverly is always standing up for love and attraction over money and greed.

Then there’s the other Beverly who is a very prolific softcore star. She loves getting naked at the drop of a hat and has sex with just about everyone she sees. Most of her sex scenes with men usually end with her in the doggie-style position. That way we can see her beautiful breasts bounce while she’s on her hands and knees. Which Beverly persona is real? Which one will prevail? It’s a balancing act for sure but I’d cry a river if the anal sex loving Beverly went away.

This cuts to the very heart of the sex appeal of Beverly Lynne. Some of the softcore stars give off an aura of unattainably. Beverly doesn’t have that problem. Beverly is pretty, sexy, looks great with long blonde hair and has a great body. But her main strength is that she seems friendly and approachable. This fantasy element is the key to her success. She looks like the hot blonde that you could go out with and have fun. Then when you get her home it’s time to strip her down and get her on all fours. I suspect naughty and nice Beverly will be filling our late nights with fantasies for quite some time.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 naughty and nice Beverlys