"Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep" review

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)

Director: Tibor Takács
Writers: Nicholas Garland Sean Keller

Charlie O'Connell... Ray
Victoria Pratt... Nicole
Kristi Angus... Jenny
Cory Monteith... Michael
Jack Scalia... Maxwell Odemus
Nicole McKay... Kate
Michal Yannai... Sally (as Michal Yanai)
Kyle Morven Tejpar... Young Ray

I saw this over at a friend’s house the other day. You can always tell how qualified a B-movie scientist is by how hot she looks in a bikini.As you can see, Dr. Babe is very qualified. She is hunting some mythical lost treasure that may or may not be guarded by a giant squid. She is being pressured by a bunch of thugs dressed in black who don’t look nearly as good in black as her. They want her to go searching for the treasure for them but she’ll never lower her standards to work for those cretins. Instead she brings along some goofball who wants to take his revenge on the giant squid for killing his parents. This time it’s personal.

“Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep” is a typical straight to video creature feature. Nothing too exciting to write about other than the fact that Dr. Babe could not keep her shirt on. No matter where she was, (the boat, her hotel room, anywhere), she somehow found a way to change in and out of her clothes. We must commend the producers for exploiting one of their best special effects. Actually, she was probably their best special effect as the Kraken was looking a little cheesy.

But The Kraken does manage to kill people on a fairly regular basis so you can’t fault him for his work ethic. He knows what a B-movie monster is supposed to do. The kill scenes are not anything out of the ordinary although I’m always a sucker for the scenes where the person gets pulled under the water and the blood starts bubbling up. I can’t get enough of that. The Kraken does manage to rip apart some people so I was mildly entertained. “Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep” might be worth a look if you’re in dire need of a Kraken fix.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Krakens

"Succubus: Hell Bent" review

Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)

Gary Busey ... Sentinel
David Keith ... Wallace
Lorenzo Lamas ... Flight Instructor
Kelly Hu ... Detective Pei
Natalie Denise Sperl ... Lilith
Jayson Blair ... Jason
Shawna Marie Nelson ... Heather
Ahna O'Reilly ... Bikini Babe
Cameron Goodman ... Kitty Cutie
Rebekah Brandes ... Hottie #2
Amber Flamminio ... Hottie #1
I want to jump right in and praise “Succubus: Hell Bent” for its one positive attribute. That would be Lilith, the hell bent Succubus. Lilith hooks up with a complete tool bag in Cancun and proceeds to have a demonic fatal attraction to him. He runs back to L.A. only to be stalked by the hellish hottie. The rest of the movie has the moron wondering why this demon is after him and what he plans to do to defeat her evil succubus ways.

Other than having a really hot succubus who looks great in black, I can’t think of one positive thing to say about this movie. “Succubus: Hell Bent” starts off with the tool bag and his dad flying jet planes. This lets us know right away that the main character is super rich and needs to be completely despised. Later on, Lorenzo Lamas makes an appearance as a helpful flight instructor who has a dog fight with the jet flying succubus. One of the producers must have a friend at a flight school because I couldn’t understand why a succubus needs to fly a jet to do her dirty work.

In fact, a lot about this movie is bewildering. Like why are Kelly Hu and Gary Busey in it? Both of them show up for ten minute cameos which only serve to remind us that we are not watching a real horror movie. I suspect that the filmmakers really wanted to make a teen “Fatal Attraction/Fear/The Crush/Swimfan” type flick but decided it had been done before. Why not make the same kind of crazy chick movie but with a succubus? And jets! Lots of jet fighter scenes! Those are really scary! No horror movie with a jet has ever been good. This movie proves that point once again.

Comedic horror movies can sometimes be fun but “Succubus: Hell Bent” is a pointless B-movie. It can be skipped. They had a hot girl in black, a rented hotel room and a lot of jets. This was not the ideal mix for a fun horror flick. This movie needed more graphic succubus killings and a lot less scenes of jet fighters. But that’s probably true of most movies.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 demonic jets

Well, at least there was Lilith.

"Dream Slashers" review

Dream Slashers (2007)

Director: Philippe Ney
Writer: Domenic Siclari

Keren Gilbert ... Josey
Jon Seminara ... Charlie Watts
Irwin Keyes ... Sheriff Garza / Pizza Delivery Man
Jossara Jinaro ... Meena Garcia
Emerson Brooks ... Terrence
Ryan Kitley ... Scott
Esme Williams ... Demitria
Monica Gambee ... Monica
Michelle LaFrance ... Jessica
Melissa Tesmer ... Kelly

In any other line of business, fraud would be considered a detriment to a continuing successful enterprise. For some B-movie filmmakers, it’s a necessary business tactic. The description of “Dream Slashers” bears no resemblance to the actual film. I remember reading something about naughty women invading a guy’s dreams and doing some slashing. I can assure you that those naughty women are nowhere near this movie. How naughty of them.

How do B-movie hucksters continually get away with it? If I bought a bag of cookies, and it turned out that there wasn’t anything inside, I could get my money back. Yet if I rent a movie called “Dream Slashers” and it has nothing to do with dreams or slashers or anything else resembling entertainment, I get the finger. Why do B-movie filmmakers hold their audience in such contempt? Do they hate the fact that they are forced to make horror movies? Do they hate consumers in general? What drives people to waste time and money making this garbage only to turn around and try to sell it as something mildly entertaining? These and other questions are pointless to ask as the filmmakers have already taken my money and moved on to their next five movies they’ll crank out this weekend.

So if you are foolish enough to watch this movie, here’s what you get. A bunch of hot women go to their apartment and have a slumber party. They decide to tell scary stories while dressed in lingerie. The girl dressed as the devil has a really scary story to tell and proceeds to ruin the party. She babbles on about a haunted motel in Mexico where two couples hang out and bore to death anyone listening to their mind-numbing tale.

The only hope this movie had of being good was to let the lingerie girls either a) become Dream Slashers like it promised or B) let some hideous maniac attack them while they ran around in their underwear. Why devil girl decided to drag a perfectly good lingerie slumber party into oblivion with her tedious story is beyond me. “Dream Slashers” is the epitome of complete rip-off. It needs to be avoided. It will try to invade your B-movie dreams with its deceitful advertising but be strong and steer clear.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 dreaming lingerie girls

"Decadent Evil II" review

Decadent Evil II (2007)

Director: Charles Band
Writer: August White

Jill Michelle ... Sugar
Daniel Lennox ... Dex
Ricardo Gil ... Ivan
James C. Burns ... Burke
Jeff Allen ... Bathroom Guy
Jessica Morris ... Lena

I can always tell when the hot babe in a B-movie is not going to get naked and knowing this fills me with despair. My sixth sense on these things is strong. In the first few minutes of “Decadent Evil II”, we are introduced to a vampire stripper named Sugar. Now given the profession she’s in, it would be reasonable to expect Sugar to get naked within seconds. But I could tell she was trying to be a real actress and we weren’t going to get any sugar tonight. Don’t you hate when that happens?

So Sugar and her constantly bewildered boyfriend are in Little Rock, Arkansas to get some vampire blood. They’ve brought along a dead midget vampire slayer and a small horny doll who happens to be the midget’s dad. Don’t ask. Anyway, Sugar decides to track down the head of a vampire clan by playing spin the crucifix and seeing where it lands. Lucky for us, it points at a sleazy strip club. Sugar and her boyfriend decide to get jobs at the club so they can go undercover and flush out the vamp.

I am the type of guy who will always find something worthwhile about any movie that has strip club scenes. “Decadent Evil II” has a couple of scenes of strippers stripping so that’s always good for some cheap B-movie thrills. As for the rest of the movie, it was pretty standard. Sugar decides not to strip which frustrates the vampire out of hiding and ends in a fairly cheap battle to the death.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with “Decadent Evil II” but it didn’t really live up to its promise of decadent evil. The filmmakers must have realized this by ending the film with the horny doll giving one of the vampire strippers some serious doll loving. He’s the kind of doll who gets lonely in his hamster cage and wears loud Hawaiian shirts. Oh yes, they make Hawaiian shirts for killer dolls. Ladies can’t resist them. Once they see the shirt and his cool hamster wheel, it’s on. Pure decadence.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for stripper decadence

"Cloak & Shag Her" review

Cloak & Shag Her (2008)

Director: William Hellfire
Writer: William Hellfire

Darian Caine ... Dr. Mean
C.J. DiMarsico ... Bitters
A.J. Khan ... Nurse Notsonice
Ruby Larocca ... Serving Girl
Deal Paul ... Basil Shagalittle
Julian Wells ... April Flowers

Blimey! It’s the Julian Wells summer of love! “Cloak and Shag Her” is a Julian Wells gold mine. I’m not suggesting that it’s a good movie, (or even a movie for that matter), but it will give you all of the Wells love making you desire.

As a gourmet connoisseur of Julian Wells carnal exploits, I would rank “Cloak and Shag Her” among her top three flicks. For the record, my top three Wells cinematic adventures are “The Seduction of Misty Mundae”, “Dr. Jekyll and Mistress Hyde” and “Cloak and Shag Her”. Honorable mention goes to “Bite Me” for being a fun movie although the Wells love machine is cooled off in that one.

Speaking of Julian getting laid, “Cloak and Shag Her” has her using her beguiling body to seduce any female that gets in her way. She is April Flowers, groovy international nympho. She’s on a time travel mission to stop Dr. Mean from doing something bad. This gives her plenty of opportunity to undress her opponents and use her patented Flower power on them. Every sex scene in “Cloak and Shag Her” has Julian Wells kissing and licking whatever nefarious woman decides to do battle with her in the bedroom. Total Wells domination.

It would be stretching it to call “Cloak and Shag Her” a movie. It runs a little over an hour with five minutes of it being a filler scene. A subtitle announces “Meanwhile back in the sixties” as some horrid retro loop of a stripping 60’s babe plays out for our supposed enjoyment. Seduction Cinema must have done a lot of dumpster diving around 42nd Street to find all of these old loops. I think it’s time to call the porno preservation society and donate them for posterity. They are proving to be too tempting to shove them into their new flicks when the run time comes up short.

“Cloak and Shag Her” is full of Julian Wells sex scenes and not much else. But really, what else do you need? Wells gets naked with most of the Seduction women but not the main one. Shockingly, Misty Mundae does not show up for her usual quality time with Julian. How hippie chick Mundae missed out on this golden opportunity for a proper shag with Julian is unknown. But A.J. Khan and Darian Caine get to have their turn with Julian and they don’t waste the opportunity. So if you’re looking for a bloody good time with special agent Julian Wells, check this one out. Love is all around her, and so the feeling grows...

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 shagadelic Wells

"Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank" review

Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank (2006)

Director: Kirk Bowman
Writer: Kirk Bowman

Heidi Brucker ... Samantha
Danilo Mancinelli ... Zack
Mira Rayson ... Felicity
Danny Kitz ... Gary
Danielle Kreinik ... Trudy
Jacqueline Anzalone ... Kendra
Yasmine Vine ... Janet
Christina Caporale... Chelsea

I suppose in a technical sense I watched “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” but to tell you the truth I am having a difficult time remembering the experience. It’s as if the movie penetrated my eyes and blasted through the back of my skull. Images of babes and blood sucking were playing on the wall behind my head as my scrambled brains couldn’t keep up with the cheap carnage. Yes, it’s that good.

Of course one could make the argument, well what did you expect? I don’t know. A movie worth watching? An experience worth having? I was stretching. So another cleverly titled B-movie does me in and causes some internal damage. I’ll never learn.

“Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” has various Burbank babes sucking blood. They are looking for a lost treasure somewhere in the Burbank Mountains. They stumble upon an ancient stone which causes them to lust for blood. You rub it all over your body and you become a lip smacking cannibal. After this crucial plot point was revealed, I slowly slipped away from the movie and had an out of body experience. I hovered over my body and watched myself slip into a coma because of this meaningless film.

Nothing much interesting goes down in “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank”. There are many more scenes of Burbank babes munching on male body parts but after the first guy got some babe teeth marks on him I lost interest. They do manage to squeeze in some topless Burbank babes but the really hot ones manage to stay clothed. At least you can say that the title didn’t lie. Babes do suck blood in this movie. So that’s good. I just wish the babes did something else remotely interesting to keep my brain from shutting down from an overload of Burbank B-movie madness.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Burbank babes

"The Slaughter" review

The Slaughter (2006)

Director: Jay Lee
Writer: Jay Lee

Jessica Custodio ... Dana (as Jessica Ellis)
Zak Kilberg... Iggy
Terry Erioski ... Tyler
Laura Bach ... Heather (as Laura Stein)
Jen Alex Gonzalez ... Alexandra
Brad Milne ... Carl Stevens
Adriana Esquivel ... She Demon
Carmit Levité... Julia Carter
Cheyenne Ault ... Denise Carter
Eva Derrek ... Madam Izriah
Penny Drake ... Madame Eliza
Elana Blank ... Witch

If there was a B-movie university, and there should be, “The Slaughter” would be a prime learning tool. It is a textbook example of a horror flick for B-movie 101 class. Keep your cast in one setting to drive down costs? Check. Have a cheap monster pick off the cast one by one? Check. Throw some blood and breasts at the screen to see if something interesting happens? Check. “The Slaughter” has rolled off the B-movie assembly line to fill that gaping hole on the video store shelf. Because if it’s one thing the world needs, it’s more straight to video horror movies.

“The Slaughter” begins as so many other B-movies before it with a bunch of teens heading to an abandoned house. This time the cast is at the spooky house to clean the insides for a smarmy businessman. While dusting the place, they stumble upon an old book which may hold the key to making this movie interesting. The resident dork of the group translates the book just in time to tell them that they’re all going to die. A topless witch ceremony from many moons ago has scarred the house for eternity. If certain rituals are performed, like getting laid, the evil demons in the house will do their B-movie duty and slice and dice anyone with the audacity to be alive. The group has unleashed the Slaughter.“The Slaughter” starts off with a great gratuitous nudity scene. The opening scene has the witches performing a spell together and then ripping off their cloaks to reveal their witchy breasts. Topless conjuring was an integral part of ancient spell casting ceremonies and I appreciated the filmmaker’s attention to historical accuracy.

Unfortunately, I found the first five minutes to be the highlight of “The Slaughter”. I have seen this movie many, many times before. One might even say too many times before. There is not a shred of originality or innovation in “The Slaughter”. It is yet another B-flick that exists only in the faint hope that guys like me will get into seeing some more blood and guts scenes. You know how this movie is going to unfold every step of the way. The monster gets released, people get killed, blood spurts out of their organs and the movie ends.

“The Slaughter” is a fair B-flick with topless witches and plenty of blood. It won’t thrill you with its B-movie 101 storyline but if you’re not too picky you might get into it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 slaughters

"Bikini Bloodbath" review

Bikini Bloodbath (2006)

Directors: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour
Writers: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour

Debbie Rochon... Miss Johnson
Thomas Edward Seymour... Phil
Russ Russo... Mike M.
Leah Ford... Jenny
Margaret Rose Champagne... Eve
Carmine Capobianco... Coach Smith
Robert Cosgrove Jr.... The Chef
Dana Fay Ensalata... Pam
Anna-Karin Eskilsson... Sharon
Olja Hrustic... Ginger

It was late on Friday night and I couldn’t sleep. I was leaving on a trip the next day and I really needed to get some rest. Unfortunately for me, the flu had me in a headlock and would not let me go. So there I was, on death’s door, coughing and sneezing my guts out. I needed something to get me through my darkest hour. If I couldn’t live through the night, I needed my last hours on Earth to be as pleasant as possible. It was this frame of mind which led me to putting “Bikini Bloodbath” into the DVD player. Let the bloodbath take me away.

A bunch of women decide to hold a slumber party to celebrate the end of school. Debbie Rochon shows up long enough to die in the first twenty minutes. Meanwhile, an insane guy in a chef’s hat wants to fillet everybody he sees. He ends up at the girl’s party and kills, kills, kills. Somewhere along the way, the girls decide to put bikini’s on so that they can add some legitimacy to the movie’s title. More asinine things happened as I wrapped myself in a blanket trying to fight back death and run of the mill B-flicks.

“Bikini Bloodbath” is a goofy B-flick. It starts off with a topless woman hopping out of bed to some cheesy rock music and rolls from there. There is a nice scene in the girl’s shower as they lather up for our viewing pleasure. Once the chef slasher enters the picture the movie becomes fairly ridiculous. Rochon bites the dust early which leaves us with a bunch of actors who are there only to get chopped up as soon as possible. The kill scenes are not scary and the gore was not the bloodbath that I was hoping for. Everything here is done for laughs but since I was knocking on heaven’s door when I watched this it didn’t really work for me.

Overall, “Bikini Bloodbath” was not the over the top sleaze fest that I was praying for. It’s a fair B-flick with a juvenile sense of humor and lots of cheap blood. Not quite a blood bath, but the usual slicing and dicing for the undiscerning viewer. As for me, I went straight to bed after this was over hoping I’d live to see the dawn. When the sun came up, I was thankful that I got another chance to see more B-movies. I won’t be seeing “Bikini Bloodbath” again, but I’m sure it will be something very, very similar.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikinis

"Chantal" review

Chantal (2007)

Director: Tony Marsiglia

Erin Brown ... Chantal (as Misty Mundae)
Julian Wells ... Traci
Darian Caine ... Victoria
Andrea Davis ... Lisa
Casey Jones ... Photographer's model
Julie Strain
Lizzy Strain

“Chantal” is the tale of two muses. The first one drives me crazy for all of the wrong reasons. I’m talking about Misty Mundae AKA “Erin Brown” who is an incredibly prolific lesbian softcore star. She makes me wonder why that statement is true. Guys love her girlish body, women love to kiss her but I don’t get the appeal. She still inspires my reviews like no other. I love writing about her and my continuing quest to understand the Mundae phenomenon. Of course even Mundae doesn’t want to understand it as she is leaving Seduction Cinema behind for…for what exactly? Going to something or running away from the past? It’s too soon to tell but I have to admit she has been a big part of my writings.

The second muse is Julian Wells. There’s something about Julian that gets me going in the right direction. Her long legs, her freckled chest, and her “sexier than thou” attitude all inspire me to write about her time and time again. She has paired up with a couple of different girls in the Seduction flicks but it’s with Mundae that she shares the best chemistry. Come to think of it, I think Misty Mundae is the key to Julian’s success in these sex scenes. Misty likes to be dominated and Julian is always on top. Their sex scenes are always good with “The Seduction of Misty Mundae” scene not only being their best together but one of the greatest softcore sex scenes ever. So I suppose I needed Misty Mundae all along to bring out the best in Julian Wells. How ironic.

“Chantal” brings the two muses together for a trip through hellish Hollywood. Chantal, (Mundae), comes to L.A. to be a bright shining star. Mundae has the annoyance factor cranked up to eleven as she plays Chantal as the most dimwitted simpleton you can imagine. Chantal doesn’t know what an agent or a headshot is which leaves her vulnerable to the dogs of L.A. She gets taken advantage of until she meets her presumed guardian angel in the form of Julian Wells. Wells lets her accompany her as an escort for a night so we can get at least one sex scene in this movie. Chantal spirals down into madness after Wells leaves her. Isn’t that always the way?

As a softcore flick, “Chantal” disappoints. There are two sex scenes in the movie with the Wells/Mundae scene being the only good one. Of course, “Chantal” wasn’t really set up to be the traditional Seduction Cinema lesbian flick. I found it kind of interesting to see Wells and Mundae talk about the harsh realities of living on the unforgiving streets of L.A. If you’re a Seduction Cinema veteran, you might get into seeing Mundae going through the motions of an innocent girl getting exploited by Hollywood. If you’re just looking for cheap Sapphic thrills, you should probably skip this one.

One last thought, if “Misty Mundae” is retired from the world of Seduction Cinema, what does this mean for “Julian Wells”? The IMDb doesn’t seem to have any new Wells adventures on the horizon. Well, actually there seems to be two more left but I believe they were filmed awhile ago. Mundae’s exit from the scene takes Julian’s best partner out of the picture and I fear it could be the end of “Julian Wells”. This fills me with despondency as this means my internet love affair is slowly coming to an end. We had a few laughs. Things are different now. I’ll find other B-movie babes. But man, it won’t be as much fun.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 muses in love

"I Know Who Killed Me" review

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Director: Chris Sivertson
Writer: Jeff Hammond

Julia Ormond... Susan Fleming
Neal McDonough... Daniel Fleming
Brian Geraghty... Jerrod Pointer
Garcelle Beauvais... Agent Julie Bascome (as Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon)
Spencer Garrett... Agent Phil Lazarus
Gregory Itzin... Dr. Greg Jameson
Lindsay Lohan... Aubrey Fleming / Dakota Moss

Lindsay Lohan is in trouble. She is being stalked by a killer. Or is she? The killer loves the color blue. Or does he love red? Or do I care? Lindsay is kidnapped after a football game only to be found later lying in a ditch with some of her limbs hacked off. Lindsay insists she’s not who people think she is. She says she is actually a hardcore stripper named Dakota. This allows Lindsay to show us some moves in a strip club where she is so hardcore that she doesn’t even take any clothes off. This all leads too much confusion as a mystery unfolds as to who Lindsay really is and whether or not there is actually a movie here worth watching.

“I Know Who Killed Me” is a typical incoherent bad movie. As entertainment, it’s choppy, full of gaps in logic and just downright stupid. But as a vehicle to exploit Lindsay Lohan, it’s endlessly fascinating! This movie must have been conceived as the perfect movie to let an adult Lindsay Lohan run wild. “I Know Who Killed Me” allows Lindsay to smoke, drink, curse, have sex, bleed, get tortured and do a lot of strutting on stage under blue and red strobe lights. It is a beautiful example of how to exploit a former child star by shoving her into a totally inappropriate movie in an attempt to showcase her talents.

As a horror/thriller, “I Know Who Killed Me” is lacking in suspense, tension and thrills. The killer and his wicked ways are an afterthought as most of the movie dwells on Lindsay and her attempts to show us the adult side of her film persona. Watching Lindsay crash and burn with the movie was the only amount of entertainment I could glean from “I Know Who Killed Me”. I was disappointed that her stripping scenes ended with the exact same amount of clothes she started with but I wasn’t really surprised at the outcome. If you don’t care about Lohan or her half-hearted attempts at stripping, you will find this movie to be a complete waste of time. But if you need a little out of control Lohan in your life, it may be worth watching once.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 blue and red Lindsays

"Evil Aliens" review

Evil Aliens (2005)

Director: Jake West
Writer: Jake West

Emily Booth ... Michelle Fox
Sam Butler ... Ricky Anderson (as Samuel Butler)
Tree Carr ... Dream Alien
Jennifer Evans ... Cat
Jamie Honeybourne ... Gavin Gorman
Scott Joseph ... Principal Alien
Norman Lovett ... Howard Marsden
Peter O'Connor ... Jack Campbell (as Peter McNeil O'Connor)
Jodie Shaw ... Candy Vixen

Aliens have been spotted in the U.K. and they’re evil. Emily Booth takes her film crew into the backwoods of England to film a reenactment of an alien abduction. Their cynical attitude toward extraterrestrial life is shattered when evil E.T.’s show up to anal probe them to death. The crew must band together to vanquish the bloodthirsty aliens in their midst. “Evil Aliens” is a great movie. Any B-movie freak will get into it. It was made for the horror movie faithful. How I’ve longed to see a fun B-movie with copious amounts of blood, guts and lowbrow humor. “Evil Aliens” takes a page, (or two or three or four), from the “Dead Alive” playbook. The blood starts splattering when the aliens run into their prey. All of the carnage is done for laughs and there is plenty of both to be found in “Evil Aliens”.

And who does the team turn to when they need help understanding the aliens? That’s right. The almighty geek. This is why you need geeks around. They are the ones who can tell you how to handle unknown life forms from outer space. The best scene in the movie has the geek being held captive in the space ship when a very flexible female alien starts to straddle him. He looks up and pleads for her to be gentle with him. She proceeds to put him through the alien copulation machine. His attempt at bringing two species closer together was some fine diplomacy. This scene cracked me up. I had to rewind and watch it a couple of times.

“Evil Aliens” is a fun B-movie. I had a blast watching it. If you want aliens, blood, lots of laughs and a heroic geek to the rescue, this is the perfect Saturday night flick for what ails you.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 for evil alien splatter

"Rise: Blood Hunter" review

Rise: Blood Hunter (2007)

Director: Sebastian Gutierrez
Writer: Sebastian Gutierrez

Lucy Liu... Sadie Blake
James D'Arcy... Bishop
Carla Gugino... Eve
Michael Chiklis... Clyde Rawlins
Cameron Richardson... Colette

Any movie that starts off with one of the hot girls from “Entourage” being hung naked upside down has got to be worth a little something. At the beginning of the movie, we’re introduced to Colette, (Cameron Richardson – or the girl in the coatroom with Vince), as she is getting picked up by Lucy Liu. Lucy takes her back to her pad and asks her to strip. Cameron takes off her bra and states that, “They’re real”. Then they segue into a kissing scene which inevitably ends in Cameron being hung naked by her ankles in the shower. Now this is how you start a B-movie.

Lucy Liu is the intrepid reporter out to do a story on Goth culture and why they’re so screwed up. This allows her to stumble into a B-movie story of murder, vampires and other blood sucking freaks. The vampires attack and Lucy is initiated against her will into the army of the undead. The rest of the movie has Lucy seeking revenge against her vampire masters with her trusty silver crossbow.

“Rise: Blood Hunter” has an interesting cast for such an obvious B-flick. Many familiar faces pop up in this one which only leads to one question: Why in the world are they in this movie? “Rise: Blood Hunter” may have had aspirations to be a theatrical release but the end product gets pretty garbled as scenes pop up out of nowhere and time shifts as the movie lurches back and forth. One minute Lucy Liu is dead in the morgue and the next she’s killing vampires with wild abandon.

Well, actually she doesn’t embrace her inner vampire and that’s the problem with this flick. Liu has mastered the art of being stoic but showing other emotions continues to elude her. “Rise: Blood Hunter” is lacking in spontaneous blood spilling fun. Liu should have gone over the edge with her new abilities but instead takes the morose, somber path to vampire slaughter. If she was a vampire already, why did she need a crossbow? Couldn’t she have easily ripped off their heads? The crossbow bloodshed was nonexistent and a big letdown.

But “Rise: Blood Hunter” does have some pleasing B-movie elements that may make it worth checking out. There are some good gore scenes along with a naked hanging “Entourage” girl. Actually there are two hot “Entourage” girls in this one but the girl who played Eric’s girlfriend, (Samaire Armstrong), does not get naked. She does shed some blood so it’s not a total loss. So if you’re in desperate need of another vampire hunter movie, it’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Lucy vamps "Entourage" has all the best women. Rise: Entourage girl

"Bewitched Housewives" review

Bewitched Housewives (2007)

Beverly Lynne ... Mary
Nicole Sheridan ... Angelique
Rebecca Love ... Linda
Brad Bartram ... Derek
Evan Stone ... Martin
Voodoo ... Barry (as Alexandre Boisvert)

Ahh Rebecca Love. She puts the fun in fun bags. The tit in titanic. The rack in My God Rebecca Love has a huge RACK! No matter who she ends up in bed with, her partners always go straight for her breasts. They’d be foolish going anywhere else. Good old Fred Olen Ray has found his new large breasted muse. Mia Zottoli did her part as did Aria Giovanni. Now it is Love’s turn and a fine turn it is.

“Bewitched Housewives” has Beverly Lynne getting laid again. This time friendly witch Nicole Sheridan sends her to the future to get away from being burned at the stake. Beverly is a stranger in a strange land but fortunately Nicole is there to help her get acquainted with modern life. Rebecca Love schemes to get the secret ad plans away from Beverly’s husband but surprisingly ends up in a three-way with Beverly. Of course when I say surprisingly, I really mean not surprising at all. Some other plot points come up which surprisingly leads to sex, sex and some more sex.

So once again the same loyal Fred Olen Ray crew is back for another double shot of late night skin flick debauchery. This time they’ve cranked out “Bewitched Housewives” and “Harlots of the Caribbean”. They must all live within a couple of blocks of each other waiting for the call to action. Once the cash rolls in from the last double feature, it’s time to reinvest in more sex! The Cinemax machine needs constant feeding of product. It’s an insatiable beast.

As for “Bewitched Housewives, it was OK. The sex scenes were decent. Praise must be given to Rebecca Love. She is a huge turn-on. She made the movie for me. Beverly was looking pretty good although I have to say that I like her better when she has sex scenes with men. Her lesbian scenes have been lacking. Her sex scene with Sheridan at the beginning was too tame and her three-way with Love didn’t blow me away either. Beverly should stick to guy/girl sex scenes. How about a scene with two guys? I don’t think we’ve seen that before. The world demands it. Well, maybe not but I’d sure like to see it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for lots of Love

Can't get enough of this picture. Bewitching Beverly.

"Amateur Porn Star Killer" review

Amateur Porn Star Killer (2007)

Director: Shane Ryan
Writers: Michiko Jimenez Shane Ryan

Michiko Jimenez ... Stacy "The Victim"
Shane Ryan ... Brandon

I was sent this DVD. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” is about a guy who tries very hard to make the world’s most boring snuff film. He picks up a girl, takes her back to a sleazy motel room and proceeds to have a long drawn out conversation before killing her for our supposed viewing pleasure.

I don’t like movies that pretend to be amateur by deliberately scratching up the film, shaking the camera, etc. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” reminded me of another B-movie that I didn’t like but that a lot of people seemed to enjoy, “Actress Apocalypse”. That movie also went to great lengths to pretend to be a shoddy looking video. I can’t buy into the fantasy that we’re actually watching some hapless psycho film his depraved escapades. And even if we were watching an actual snuff film, why would there be so many scratches on a video tape? This ain’t the 70’s man. Even I could have filmed my vulgar exploits better than this jerk.

I’m not sure how someone is supposed to enjoy this film. It’s not shocking enough to be a horror movie and it’s not vulgar enough to be exploitation. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” fails because it’s too amateur. And much like the Cat III flick “Prostitute Killer” that needed more prostitute killing to be worthwhile, “APSK” needed more porn star killing to liven up the monotony of two people blathering on in a motel room.

It pains me to be so negative on a film that was sent to me. I don’t like to do it but when something hits a nerve in me I’ve just got to say what’s on my mind. The rapist and victim in the movie are the director and writer respectively so I can only assume that they are a couple in real life. It helps explain why there are scenes of graphic sex and nudity, which I did find a little shocking, but none of the scenes led to anything truly disturbing. The movie wraps up at around an hour and ten minutes with an ending that has the actual porn star killing happening offscreen. This is the porn star killing I waited for? No self respecting snuff artist would allow that to happen. You can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead amateurs

"Return to House on Haunted Hill" review

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Director: Víctor García
Writer: William Massa

Amanda Righetti ... Ariel Wolfe
Cerina Vincent ... Michelle
Erik Palladino... Desmond
Tom Riley... Paul
Andrew Lee Potts ... Kyle
Jeffrey Combs ... Dr. Richard Benjamin Vannacutt
Steven Pacey ... Richard

Two words: Undead lesbians. In one sequence in “Return to House on Haunted Hill”, one of the conniving thieves, (who just happens to be a hot babe), gets seduced by two ghoulish lesbians. She never bothers to question why these ghostly women are all over her. She just gives in to their warm, deadly Sapphic embrace. It’s important, thought-provoking scenes like this which bring me back to B-movies time and time again.

A disparate assortment of characters get drawn into the house on haunted hill by promises of an evil statue worth millions. The professor wants to save it and the thieves want to sell it. As they make their way through the abandoned asylum, the ghosts take offense to their presence and proceed to dispatch them in the most gruesome way possible. The statue may hold the key to surviving their night with the living dead.

“Return to House on Haunted Hill” is a straight ahead, mainstream B-flick. The story moves from point A to point B with few surprises. However, it is nice to watch a straight to video flick that was made with at least some degree of professionalism. “Return to House on Haunted Hill” is a slick, no nonsense exercise in genre filmmaking. It throws in the blood, guts, scares and undead lesbians into the mix to delight the B-movie fans. You can’t fault it for that. Well, at least I can’t. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 bloodthirsty ghouls

"Splatter Beach" review

Splatter Beach (2007)

Directors: John Polonia Mark Polonia
Writer: John Polonia

Erin Brown ... Tess
Erika Smith ... Tonya Smith
Alison Whitney ... Beach Dancer
Brice Kennedy ... Rodney Spinner

“Splatter Beach” warns you up front that you will suffer. A warning scrolls by at the beginning of the movie telling you that no living thing should watch this movie. I ignored their warning and pressed on to see what thrills awaited me at “Splatter Beach”. Then I saw the director’s names and I started to succumb to that feeling of nameless B-movie dread that makes your soul cringe. Yes, I’m talking about the Polonia brothers and their shamelessly cheap moviemaking ways. They’ve crawled up from the depths of the ocean to wreck havoc on my DVD player again.

“Splatter Beach” is about the Polonia brothers trying their hardest to rip off “Humanoids from the Deep” and other sea monster flicks. Erika Smith and two guys end up at a cabin for some rest and relaxation. One guy takes the wise path and has sex with Erika. The other dork decides he wants to get to the bottom of all these local disappearances. He’s certain that there are shambling sea creatures out there that want to eat everyone. Misty Mundae shows up to try to convince the naïve fools that there are monsters roaming about. She doesn’t have any lesbian sex so no one is really interested in her. But with the help of the reporter dork and some random weightlifter on the beach, they just might live through the night.

Well, “Splatter Beach” is obviously a bad movie but I can’t say I hated it. It plays out as cheaply and incompetently as you’d expect but it does have some amusing moments. The weightlifter on the beach had me laughing with his clueless banter with the main dork. Erika Smith does have a brief topless scene and that’s always good to see. In fact, it was so good that I had to hit rewind and watch it a couple of times. It was good each time.

It’s hard to take the hammer to this one although it certainly deserves it. At least the Polonia brothers admitted that “Splatter Beach” could cause hysterical blindness to whoever is doomed to watch it. “Splatter Beach” is only about an hour long so it doesn’t have enough time to really grind your bones into dust. “Splatter Beach” is for the undiscriminating B-movie fan. Come to think of it, is there another kind of B-movie fan? If you’re in dire need of a sea monster fix, rent “Humanoids from the Deep”. If that’s out, try “Deep Rising”. If that’s gone too, “Splatter Beach” might be able to tide you over until a good sea monster flick is available.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 shambling sea creatures
GRRRRR!!!!!

"Species: The Awakening" review

Species: The Awakening (2007)

Director: Nick Lyon
Writer: Ben Ripley

Helena Mattsson ... Miranda
Ben Cross ... Tom Hollander
Marco Bacuzzi ... Rinaldo
Dominic Keating ... Forbes McGuire
Marlene Favela ... Azura


A beautiful blonde has a problem. She just might be an alien. Her creator kept the truth from her all of these years in an effort to make sure he had his hot blonde “niece” with him at all times. Mad scientists can sometimes get attached to their evil experiments. They like to nurture them into their full hot blonde maturity. Unfortunately for the adopted Species monster, it seems her life span only lets her live to about 22 human years or so. That’s like 90 in Species years. They decide to take a road trip to Mexico to find an evil expert in Species biology who just might be able to save her.

Why is all this hand wringing over an alien beast happening in a “Species” sequel you ask? Good question. The filmmakers tried a different approach this time by trying to get us to care about the alien babe and her attempts to stay alive. Of course this perverts the very idea behind the franchise. The whole premise of these flicks is watching some beautiful alien woman try to mate with every man she sees before ripping his head off. The “Species” flicks give you a lot of eye candy before delivering the killing blow. In “Species IV”, we get a hot blonde who wants to stay human and not tear her way across town. This will not stand.

Fortunately there is a screw-up at the lab and the blonde monster starts giving in to her alien instincts. She goes out to mate and procreate with some doomed soul. There is also another beautiful Species creature, (Marlene Favela), who wants to destroy her. Marlene didn’t like her barging in on her good times and wants to finish her off. This will lead to a showdown between “Species” babes to see who will rule.

“Species the Awakening” is a fair B-movie. It won’t hurt you to watch it but there aren’t many scenes that are memorable. Actually, it’s pretty much fading from memory now. Also, the nudity and Species sleaze is light in this one. A little too light for my tastes. But both Species women get naked and a reasonable facsimile of a good time is had by all. Or maybe just some people will like it. At any rate, if you’re into the “Species” flicks, (and let’s face it none of them have been great movies anyway), you’ll probably get into it.


SCORE: 2 out of 4 killer Species

Marlene, Marlene, Marlene.

"Primeval" review

Primeval (2007)

Director: Michael Katleman
Writers: John D. Brancato

Dominic Purcell ... Tim Manfrey
Brooke Langton ... Aviva Masters
Orlando Jones ... Steven Johnson
Jürgen Prochnow ... Jacob Krieg
Gideon Emery ... Mathew Collins
Gabriel Malema ... Jojo

“Primeval” is a cry for peace disguised as a giant crocodile movie. I was wondering why the marketing for this one was so garbled. Now I know that the marketing department was just as confused as I was. I saw posters around town with a bunch of skulls and bones on it but had no idea what the movie was about. When filmmakers mess with time honored monster movie conventions, you usually end up screwing the pooch. “Primeval” screws a few pooches.

A bunch of reporters head into Burundi to do a story on Gustave, the giant killer crocodile that is feasting on a smorgasbord of Burundians. There is a warlord in the bush who likes the way Gustave operates so he emulates his monster friend by calling himself Little Gustave. Gustave controls the water and Little Gustave controls the land. But who controls this movie? Giant crocodile flick segues into African atrocity movie to give the filmmakers some mental relief that they’re not just wasting their time on another killer croc flick. The reporters decide it’s their duty to report back on the senseless murder going on in Burundi so they try to turn the B-crocodile flick into an A-action movie by matching wits with Little Gustave’s militia. Big Gustave gets upset that he is being forced out of his own movie.

“Primeval” is a mess but it has moments that make it an enjoyable mess. Gustave rips and tears anyone who is stupid enough to enter his habitat. He is a merciless monster who kills people just for fun. But Gustave moves too fast for a giant croc which exposes him for the fake digital effect he is. The blood and guts scenes are almost always set during a driving rainstorm which makes it hard to figure out exactly whose blood and guts is flying around. Then again, I’m always happy to spend some time with a giant man-eater so I had some fun watching “Primeval”. If you are not picky about your monster thrills, “Primeval” may be worth a look.

One last thought, the real point of “Primeval” is spelled out at the end of the movie where the reporter comments that humans are responsible for the monster that Gustave has turned into. Thanks to non-stop warfare in Burundi the lakes are filled with dead bodies which is where Gustave got his insatiable appetite for human flesh. The evil that men do gives rise to monsters. This would have been a cool idea for this movie if they had started out showing the militia dumping bodies into the lake. That way we could have watched Gustave grow into the beast that he is.

Watching human evil manifest itself as a monster is still a good idea for another horror movie. How about giant gorillas running amok through Rwanda in “Primeval 2”? Genocide crimes come back to haunt the killers! The gorillas take revenge and want total human genocide! Not that I’d endorse exploiting African warfare just to sell a B-monster movie but “Primeval” did it so they can keep the ball rolling.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hopping mad Gustaves

"House on Hooter Hill" review

House on Hooter Hill (2007)

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Taylor Wayne (as Taylor Wane)

Glori-Anne Gilbert

It’s Déjà vu all over again in Wynorski land. His business model is set in stone. Any deviation from the softcore playbook will not be tolerated. Once again, his favorite cabin in the woods is the setting for yet another sex filled romp with as many large breasted women as the lease would allow. This one must have been filmed at the same time as “The Breastford Wives” as Taylor Wane and Glori-Anne Gilbert return for yet another round in the hot tubs. But this time there’s some inane plot device which allows women with enormous tits to have sex while music blasts over the action. Oh wait, that’s just like every other Wynorski sex flick.

Wynorski could teach mainstream cinema a thing or two about how to stretch a budget. Even the DVD case reeks of cheapness. There are two shots of Taylor Wane lifted right from the cover of “The Breastford Wives”. Why waste money on taking a new picture when you can spend it on something important? Like, for instance…hmmm…what does Wynorski think is worth spending money on? I don’t know but it’s definitely not new pictures of Taylor Wane for the cover. Speaking of the cover, I should also point out that Alexia Moore is displayed prominently on it but doesn’t appear anywhere in “House on Hooter Hill”. Of course she doesn’t. Why should I be surprised? I should just be grateful that there was actually a movie inside the DVD case.

Jim Wynorski and his softcore partner in crime Fred Olen Ray have pretty much cornered the market on late night sex flicks. Cinemax is flooded with their movies. They’ve created slick B-movie making machines which crank out the softcore flicks with brutal efficiency. To say Wynorski is in a rut is an understatement. All this softcore money has made him lazy beyond belief. But you know what? Who can blame him? If you had Cinemax bankrolling your life, wouldn’t you spend it on watching large breasted women have copious amounts of sex? The man knows what he likes.

“House on Hooter Hill” is exactly what you expect. Gilbert and her husband go up to the infamous cabin and proceed to bang anyone with a gigantic rack. Taylor Wane will leave her fortune to anyone who can figure out the secret clue she has left them. Amazingly, the secret to unraveling the clue lies in the women putting their breasts together and having a lot of sex. There are two guys and about six or seven girls. Everybody gets naked and a good time is had by all.

One thing still irritates me though. I’m going to have to file an injunction with the Softcore Film Board to bar Glori-Ann Gilbert from appearing in any more of these movies. When does this madness end? She blew two more lesbian scenes in this one and made me long for the days when Julie Smith was running around in Wynorski flicks. But of course, I always long for Julie Smith movies. Now there’s a woman you can depend on for some fun. I can depend on Gilbert to make me put my fast forward button to good use.

The best sex scene was at the beginning with Taylor Wane. She had a pretty good lesbian scene with another larger breasted girl in the hot tub. “House on Hooter Hill” was off to a good start. The rest of the movie is fairly standard although I did like the muscle-bound Xena look-alike. She didn’t really have any good sex scenes but she was a nice change of pace from the usual women who appear in these movies. Overall, “House on Hooter Hill” is a decent softcore flick. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Hooters girls, girls, girls