"Wedding Slashers" review

Wedding Slashers (2006)

Director: Carlos Scott
Writers: John Howard Robert Paul Medrano

Dickie Collins... Will
Mark Cumberland... The Executioner
Tanith Fiedler... Ashley
Maria Ford
Kristin Hansen... Mom
Ross Kelly... Alex
Jessica Kinney... Jenna
Richard Lynch... Daddy

A bride is having second thoughts on the eve of her nuptials. She thinks she is going to have a bloody wedding and wants to call the whole thing off. It seems her family is just a little bit possessive and likes to kill any potential lover/boyfriend/husband. She thought she had left the folks behind but they’re back to slash their way through the guests, ushers, bridesmaids, best man and anyone else who happens to be standing around.

First off, let me say how happy I was to see Maria Ford back in B-movies. I rented “Wedding Slashers” because I saw that she was in it. Although she wasn’t in the movie for very long, I still enjoyed seeing Ford going through the horror movie motions. It’s comforting to see a familiar face even if Ford’s was hacked to pieces.

“Wedding Slashers” is a fun B-movie. It doesn’t waste a lot of time on filler and other sleep inducing scenes. You pay to see people get sliced and diced at a wedding and that’s what you get. There are plenty of gory scenes as the guest list gets trimmed by the homicidal bride’s family. Ford’s early demise was a classic that I had to rewind a couple of times to get the full blood gushing effect. “Wedding Slashers” has heads being lopped off, eyes getting popped out and other wholesome scenes of carnage.

So if you’re in the mood to watch a psychotic family turn their daughter’s big day into a blood splattered ceremony, “Wedding Slashers” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bloody brides

"Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors" review

Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors (2001)

Director: John Bacchus
Writers: John Bacchus Joe Ned

Darian Caine ... Eroticus
Erin Brown ... Clitoris (as Misty Mundae)
Jade Duboir ... Orgasmus
John Paul Fedele ... Dickus Minimus (as John P. Fedele)
Debbie Rochon ... Slave Master Fellatio
Katie Jordan ... Lesbian Axe Gladiator
A.J. Khan ... Lesbian Spear Gladiator
Ruby Larocca ... Clitoris' Wench (as Esmerelda Dellaroca)
Lilly Tiger ... Horny Seamstress

I bought this DVD because it felt like the right time for some lesbian gladiators. Come to think of it, it’s always the right time for some lesbian gladiators. Darian Caine wants to take on the forces of darkness after being enslaved as a lesbian gladiator. She attacks anyone who crosses her path by having lesbian gladiator sex with them. Debbie Rochon shows up and does not have lesbian gladiator sex. Darian overcomes Debbie’s Sapphic reluctance by getting it on with every other female cast member – Lesbian gladiator style.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there were a lot of lesbian gladiators in this movie. There was some juvenile plot going on in the background but I found it better to ignore that nonsense and fast forward through it all. Whenever a man showed up trying to explain something, it was fast forward time. It didn’t matter what he had to say. Whatever it was, it would’ve been a complete waste of time to listen to it. He wasn’t a lesbian gladiator so who cares what he’s babbling about? One day perhaps filmmakers will realize that men have no place in a lesbian gladiator movie.

So if you ignore all of the idiotic men in this movie, “Gladiator Eroticvs” is a pretty good softcore flick. Darian Caine gets to have most of the fun in this one. Everyone gets a piece of Caine. For some reason, her voice is dubbed. They didn’t believe that a raspy voiced Caine could be believable as the lesbian general?! I’m shocked and disgusted. Well, not really. But I did think it was funny. One of my favorite sex scenes had Caine and Jade Duboir going at it on the field of lesbian battle. Whatever happened to Jade Duboir? She was great in this one. I also loved her in “Vampire Obsession”. She’s got perfect perky breasts that beg for a lesbian gladiator licking. Caine was there to oblige her.

Later in the movie, A.J. Khan shows up in a battle scene along with Katie Jordan and some other lesbian gladiators. It quickly shifts gears into an orgy. A.J. Khan knows a thing or two about being a lesbian gladiator. A.J. and Katie Jordan go very well together. In one part of the raging battle orgy, A.J. yanks Katie’s hair back so she can get at her breasts. Jordan likes it a little rough and Khan pushes all of her buttons. She pushes mine too.

A.J. Khan is great. Its women like her that makes softcore flicks worth watching. It’s not just about posing for the camera. It’s about knowing what your onscreen partner likes and trying to get a strong reaction out of them. I’ve never seen a bad A.J. Khan sex scene. Some are better than others but she has tried her best to make it hot.

So if you’re looking for lesbian gladiators, and I’m sure you are, “Gladiator Eroticvs” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 A.J. Eroticvs

"Skin Crawl" review

Skin Crawl (2007)

Director: Justin Wingenfeld
Writer: Justin Wingenfeld

Debbie Rochon ... Margret
Julian Wells ... Sadie
Kevin G. Shinnick ... Howard
Erin Brown ... Streetwalker (as Misty Mundae)
John Paul Fedele
Gustavo Ferrari ... Frank
Ruby Larocca ...Franco's Wife

Julian Wells is a conniving, sleazy home wrecker. She sets her sights on some hapless jerk who’s married to Debbie Rochon. How this guy managed to get with both Debbie Rochon and Julian Wells requires a suspension of disbelief of mammoth proportions. She convinces her chump lover that they should knock off Rochon before she gets a chance to divorce him. With the help of some other Seduction Cinema regulars, Rochon is dispatched to her grave. Little does anyone know that Rochon’s ancestors were witches who cast some sort of zombie revenge spell on their bloodline. If one of their descendants should be murdered, they will rise from their grave to get their revenge. Julian better watch out for Debbie of the Dead.

“Skin Crawl” lets Julian take the spotlight as she plots and schemes her way into some easy money. After all, who could possibly resist Julian Wells? Once she puts on the leather pants, it’s a done deal. “Skin Crawl” lets Julian be as sexy and evil as she wants to be. It also has my new favorite Julian Wells line. In one scene, Julian and her sap boyfriend are lounging around in the kitchen. She knows that he is dying to try some anal sex with her. She turns around, slips off her tight leather pants and says, “I’m already lubed baby.” Classic. Freaking classic.

Of course what’s really shocking about “Skin Crawl” is that Julian Wells is having sex with men. Being a long time veteran of Julian cinema, I found myself slightly thrown off by the fact that she wasn’t making out with Misty Mundae. But “Skin Crawl” really gives you as much Julian Wells as you could want as there are many scenes where she is either topless or having sex. Or both! Oh, and who could forget her scene as the shy schoolgirl who needs a spanking? I know I can’t. Neither will you. “Skin Crawl” is a pretty decent B-movie. I enjoyed it. But as a horror movie, it’s slightly lacking. The horror elements don’t manifest themselves until an hour has gone by. “Skin Crawl” plays like an episode of “Tales from the Crypt”. People get their comeuppance from an undead Debbie. Unfortunately, zombie Debbie doesn’t show up until most of the movie has gone by. When she finally does make her appearance, she tears through her wicked killers with great speed. The good news is that Debbie spills a lot of guts on her road to revenge. The guilty will pay dearly for messing with Debbie. “Skin Crawl” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 scheming Wells

Shocking. Show...Julian...the...MONEY!

"Satan's Little Helper" review

Satan's Little Helper (2004)

Director: Jeff Lieberman
Writer: Jeff Lieberman

Alexander Brickel ... Douglas "Dougie" Whooly
Katheryn Winnick ... Jenna Whooly
Stephen Graham ... Alex Martin
Amanda Plummer ... Merrill Whooly
Wass Stevens ... Dean Whooly
Dan Ziskie ... Vernon Martin
Melisa McGregor ... Nicole

My brother was visiting me in L.A. a couple of weeks ago and we decided to watch one last B-movie before sending him home. We had started the weekend off with a viewing of “Supercroc” and almost had a heart attack watching it. Actually, my brother was so drunk that he barely remembers it. When I reminded him that he actually had seen the movie he said, “Oh yeah! The crayon alligator!” Ahh memories. Can’t beat them.

So my brother, a friend and I got ready to bounce back with another movie. I had two movies sitting on my DVD pile and it was time to give one of them a spin. I told them it was down to “Undead”, an Australian zombie movie, or “Satan’s Little Helper”. They asked, “Which one do you want to see?” I said I felt like watching a zombie movie. They both replied in unison, “Let’s see “Satan’s Little Helper”.” Good to see that they trust my B-movie judgment.

“Satan’s Little Helper” is about a masked psycho killer and the boy who worships him. The kid is obsessed with a video game called Satan’s Little Helper and gets ecstatic when he actually meets Satan. Actually, “Satan” is just a guy in a Halloween mask who keeps nodding his head when the kid asks him questions. Soon the little helper will guide “Satan” through town so he can help him kill as many people as possible. The kid’s voluptuous sister plays along with “Satan” too as she believes it’s really her boyfriend playing kinky mind games. Masked men get to have all of the fun.

“Satan’s Little Helper” is an interesting flick. Black comedy would be a good description of it. The little helper believes that all of the violence he sees is not real because…why does he believe it? It’s hard to fathom that this kid could be so stupid. One scene has the little helper cheering as “Satan” takes a grocery cart and runs over a lot of different people for “points”. “Satan’s Little Helper” is either making fun of video game’s influence on young minds or it’s reveling in it.

Don’t trust men who hide behind masks. This is the moral of “Satan’s Little Helper”. Just the fact that I could believe that a horror flick has a moral to it shows you how ambitious this movie is. It’s trying to touch a couple of different nerves. One scene has the guy dropping the Satan mask so he can put on a “Jesus” outfit. When the sister finds out about it she says, “So Jesus is Satan?” Then we get to see a few scenes of “Jesus” behaving badly. Evil has many fake faces. They never run out of facades.

While my brother rolled his eyes and shouted, “Wow!” a few times, I enjoyed “Satan’s Little Helper”. It’s a unique B-flick. I can’t recall seeing a movie quite like it. It also delivers on some gore scenes as “Satan” starts slicing and dicing for the kid’s amusement. I was slightly disappointed that the idiot kid’s sister did not take the time to ditch her Halloween costume. “Satan” couldn’t keep his hands off of her. Who could blame him? But overall, “Satan’s Little Helper” is a cool little movie. It’s worth a look.



SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 little helpers

"Supercroc" review

Supercroc (2007)

Director: Scott Harper
Writer: Steve Bevilacqua

Kim Little... Dr. Leah Perrot
Cynthia Rose Hall... Pvt. Celia Perez
Matthew Blashaw... Capt. Lynch
David Novak... General McFadden
Shaley Scott... Sgt. Julie Davenport
Noel Thurman... Reynolds
Michael Tower... McCoy

So my brother came out to L.A. the other week to have some West Coast fun. He couldn’t wait to get the party started. He was so impatient that by the time I picked him up from the airport he had already had four Jack and Cokes. This was a man who was serious about unwinding. He wasn’t going to wait for L.A. He had to get completely smashed as soon as possible. He was raging down the express lane to oblivion and that train was not stopping for anyone.

Before he came out, we had planned a little West Coast itinerary. His friend was going to take him to a few parties. There was going to be some drinking. We decided to hit the Renaissance fair for some turkey legs and some more drinking. We could shoot some pool and maybe catch a movie or two. If there was time, we’d drink a little more. And for the cherry on top, I proposed that we start the extended weekend off with a viewing of “Supercroc”. I had seen the back of the video box and it sold me immediately. I told my brother of the giant crocodile jumping out of the water and attacking a helicopter. We were both believers at that point. This Supercroc had to be seen.

So after a full day of brotherly drunken debauchery, we settled into a nice apartment and watched “Supercroc”. At this point, my brother was chugging shots of Jameson’s whiskey like it was apple juice. He had to keep pumping fuel into the drunkard express or else it would derail. Nobody wanted that. But I’m afraid it was “Supercroc” that paid the price for his inebriated state as there was much yelling at the screen because of its super awfulness.

I am vaguely offended by “Supercroc”. Even though I caught one sentence out of every five, (thanks to my bellowing brother), I still caught enough to know that this movie is terrible. The standard pack of B-movie soldiers are wandering around looking for a Supercroc. The beast rears its cheap head and proceeds to do some cheap damage. It escapes and attacks a cut-rate facsimile of L.A. While all of this nothingness is going on, the usual inept government types are arguing in a broom closet about what to do about the Supercroc. Nothing good comes out of their banal crocodile discussions.

Come to think of it, nothing good comes out of watching this movie. “Supercroc” is a complete dud. Even the scene where the Supercroc attacks the helicopter couldn’t push the entertainment meter pass one. There is no blood shown during any of the super attacks nor are any of the super attacks worth watching. Unless you have a drunken brother sitting next to you providing loud color commentary, your evening will be wasted on “Supercroc”.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 drunks heckling supercrocs

"Pervert!" review

Pervert! (2005)

Director: Jonathan Yudis
Writer: Mike Davis

Mary Carey ... Cheryl
Sean Andrews ... James
Darrell Sandeen ... Hezekiah
Juliette Clarke ... Patty
Sally Jean ... Alisha
Jonathan Yudis ... Mechanic
Tula ... Hitchhiker
Candice Hussain ... Marissa

“Pervert!” tells the tale of a boy and his wandering schlong. He comes home for the summer to find his dad has shacked up with presidential porn star Mary Carey. She can’t resist his young, geeky ways and proceeds to jump his bones. Known fact: Women can’t resist geeks, especially porn star women. They’re putty in our hands. Tragedy strikes their relationship as she turns up missing after running afoul of dear old dad. From there the movie gets wacky as a hex comes back to haunt the geeky stud and has disastrous consequences for his budding love life.

“Pervert!” is one of those movies you’ll know whether you’ll like it or not in the first five minutes. It goes for low brow comedy and lots of topless women. That’s a winning combination in my book. It’s a movie dedicated to the spirit of Russ Meyer with plenty of buxom women and stupid men running wild in the desert.

You’ve got to hand it to Mary Carey. She might not be able to act to save her life but at least she looks like she’s having a good time. She gets topless through most of her scenes and I approved of every one of them. When she leaves the movie, other large breasted women roll in to take her place but Carey still reigns supreme over all of them.

So because the movie couldn’t just be about a geek having sex with Mary Carey, (but why not?!), they decide to throw in some black magic curse.

*SPOILER ALERT*

In order to get women to go crazy for him, our goober hero went to a witch doctor to get a stud spell cast on him. The side effect of his love potion is that his penis wants revenge against all of the women he’s done the no-pants dance with. Yes, his penis is detachable and very angry. When I saw the claymation penis attacking the woman in the bathtub, I can honestly say I was surprised by this perverted turn of events.

*END SPOILER*

“Pervert!” has some funny scenes and plenty of topless women. I laughed a couple of times. If you’re in the mood for a goofy, bloody love letter to Russ Meyer, “Pervert!” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 corn loving Careys

"The Grand Horror" review

The Grand Horror (2007)

Directed by: MaT

Writing Credits: MaT

Starring: A bunch of University of Nebraska students

I was sent this DVD screener. It makes me feel important when I get sent movies. This one was actually sent through MySpace which is a first for me. But does it influence the review when you get the movie for free? In my case, I don’t think so. I’ve bashed movies guys have sent me. They’ve even included letters with the movies explaining some of the shortcomings and asking for a fair, (merciful), review. My thought there is, don’t send the movie if you can’t handle criticism. I’m not seduced by a free movie. Of course I’ve never heard from most of those guys again. Maybe we’re all better off that way.

You might think I’m building up to a bashing of “The Grand Horror”. But believe it or not, it wasn’t that bad. Repetitive and a little bit monotonous but I’ve seen worse. A bunch of University of Nebraska students got together over a couple of weekends and made their zombie flick. Apparently they got a deal to film in the coolest movie theater in Nebraska so they jumped at it. I’ve never been to Nebraska so I’ll take their word on the coolness of the Grand Theater.

So a bunch of friends are running from zombies and end up in the coolest theater in Nebraska. They spend the rest of the movie wandering the theater in search of food, booze and places to hide from zombies. But there is an early warning system associated with the zombies which can alert would-be victims to their presence. Whenever the zombie is about to strike, plastic drop cloth is laid on the floor. The zombie is a neat freak who doesn’t like to spray blood and guts everywhere. It helps him wrap up his dinner at the end anyway.

I think the best thing you can say about “The Grand Horror” is that it shows promise. It follows the B-movie playbook by placing all the action in one setting so the monsters don’t have to travel too far to kill the cast. It also has a lot of scenes with guys with flashlights checking out the same hallway over and over. Nothing says filler like guys stumbling around with flashlights. But for what it was, “The Grand Horror” was a decent exercise in zombie horror.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Nebraska zombies

"American Nightmare" review

American Nightmare (2002)

Director: Jon Keeyes
Writer: Jon Keeyes

Debbie Rochon ... Jane Toppan
Brandy Little ... Jessie McClain
Johnny Sneed ... Wayne Holcomb
Heather Haase ... Melanie Ryan
Rebecca Stacey ... Misty McClain
Brinke Stevens ... Lisa

A bunch of friends are hanging out on Halloween. Some weirdo on the radio wants to know all about their darkest fears. They decide to call him up and tell him what scares them. The usual movie-related fears roll out: Being buried alive, attacked in the shower, voodoo curses, etc. These people are students of horror movies even though they’ve been scarred for life from them. Someone else has been paying close attention to their list of horrors. She has been waiting for this day so she can shove the things that terrorize them down their throats. A dark haired killer named Jane is stalking them one by one and won’t stop until they’ve all suffered.

“American Nightmare” showcases Debbie Rochon at her best. She’s Crazy Jane stalking her prey so she can scare them to death with their deepest fears. Her dark haired, seductive look is perfect in this one. One guy is afraid of dying during sex. Thank God Crazy Jane is here to help him meet his maker. She doesn’t have time for sex when there are so many more deserving cretins that need to die. But Debbie does give us a topless scene so all is not lost.

What’s interesting about “American Nightmare” is how it shows us what Debbie Rochon is capable of. This is probably the best Debbie Rochon flick I’ve seen yet and I’ve seen a lot of Debbie in my day. “American Nightmare” gives her an interesting character to work with and lets her use her sex appeal to great effect as the seductive Jane.

But what it really shows us is that Rochon needs to stop wasting time taking a cameo in every low budget movie that comes along and try to find more flicks like this one. I can think of two LANDFILLS off the top of my head that she didn’t need to be in. Two disasters named “Bog Creatures” and “Corpses are Forever” that stunk so badly that even Debbie couldn’t save it. Its movies like those that start to wear down the goodwill that is generated by seeing her name on a video box. But it’s a cool horror flick like “American Nightmare” that makes seeing her name a thrill.

Of course, “American Nightmare” is not a perfect movie but for a low budget B-flick it’s pretty good. It moved right along and didn’t get tied down on any unnecessary filler scenes. One thing that is lacking is the amount of blood and gore. There is barely any blood in this one and certainly no gore to speak of. A lot of the killings happen off screen which was disappointing. But Crazy Debbie was a sight to see and kept the movie humming along with her psychotic need for Halloween homicides. “American Nightmare” is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 crazy Debbies

"The Breastford Wives" review

The Breastford Wives (2007)

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Taylor Wayne (as Taylor Wane)
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Monique Parent

The women of Breastford have a secret. They’re all sex slaves to the powerful Dr. Pimp Daddy. The good news is that they hate keeping secrets and start banging the new guy in town before he can even unpack. Stud man has brought along Glori-Anne Gilbert for the ride and she gets to go a few rounds with the Breastford Wives. Many more sex starved women will service super stud and Dr. Pimp Daddy until his nefarious plans are revealed by a horny Monique Parent. More brain washed sex follows.

OK. It’s official. I can’t deny it any longer. Glori-Anne Gilbert just does not do it for me. I don’t care how big her breasts are. Magnetism, sex appeal, and other elements that attract are deficient in her. In “Breastford Wives” she plays the bubble headed wife who gets to have threesomes with some of the wives. Once again she manages to turn each three-way into a waste of time. The infamous bath and hot tubs from “Lust Connection” and “Witches of Breastwick” make their triumphant return but they put Glori-Anne in with the bubbles and it all falls to pieces. Let’s put it this way, I fast forwarded through all of her sex scenes. When I pass up a lesbian three-way, you’ve got problems.

I know, I know. She’s probably a really nice person and I’m a mean guy for putting down her softcore skills. But that’s the problem. She’s too nice. She doesn’t give off any sort of desirability. She’s OK in a guy/girl sex scene but lesbians scenes are a bust. She doesn’t look like she knows what she’s doing and even if she really loves being with other women, it doesn’t look like she wants to be there. Doctor Pimp would have to whip up an extra potent love potion to get her up to Breastford wife status.

As for the rest of the movie, it was a typical Wynorski softcore adventure shot at his favorite cabin up in the woods. They must have had two days left on the lease and decided to squeeze in one more sex flick. Any girl who could make the drive up there got to be in the movie.

The main Breastford wife was Taylor Wane and she gives the town of Breastford a good name. She makes a fine welcoming committee. Thanks to her horny master’s policies, she gets to have a lot of practice in welcoming new people to the neighborhood. One scene had Dr. Horny have his three favorite sex drones line up on his bed on their hands and knees. He couldn’t decide who to have anal sex with so he bangs all three. That’s how a pimp daddy rolls. At least he’s using his advanced mind control technology for something useful.

“Breastford Wives” is a decent softcore flick. It’s not too exciting but with this many naked Breastford women, I can’t totally condemn it. Like “Lust Connection” and “Witches of Breastwick”, it cuts down on a lot of the fluff and just goes for as much sex as possible. They upgraded a little bit with the main stud this time but there weren’t as many recognizable ladies. Most of the Breastford wives were unknown to me except for Glori-Anne and Taylor Wane. But if you’re in the mood to watch sex crazed women go to town on a guy the second they see him, “Breastford Wives” may be what you’re looking for.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Breastford Wives

"Grindhouse" review

Grindhouse (2007)

Directors: Robert Rodriguez(segment "Planet Terror") (fake trailer segment "Machete")
Eli Roth (fake trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Quentin Tarantino (segment "Death Proof")
Edgar Wright (fake trailer segment "Don't Scream")
Rob Zombie (fake trailer segment "Werewolf Women of the S.S.")

Writers: Robert Rodriguez Quentin Tarantino

Rose McGowan ... Cherry (segment "Planet Terror")/Pam (segment "Death Proof")
Freddy Rodríguez ... Wray (segment "Planet Terror")
Josh Brolin ... Dr. William Block (segment "Planet Terror")
Marley Shelton ... Dr. Dakota Block (segments "Planet Terror"/"Death Proof")
Jeff Fahey ... J.T. (segment "Planet Terror")
Michael Biehn ... Sheriff Hague (segments "Planet Terror"/"Thanksgiving")
Zoe Bell ... Zoe
Michael Bacall ... Omar (segment "Death Proof")
Eli Roth ... Dov (segment "Death Proof")/Tucker (trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Danny Trejo ... Machete (segment "Machete")
Sybil Danning ... Gretchen Krupp (segment "Werewolf Women of the SS")
Quentin Tarantino... The Rapist (segment "Planet Terror")/Warren (segment "Death Proof")
Michael Parks... Earl McGraw (segments "Planet Terror'" and "Death Proof")
Kurt Russell... Stuntman Mike (segment "Death Proof")
Rosario Dawson... Abernathy (segment "Death Proof")
Vanessa Ferlito... Arlene (segment "Death Proof")
Jordan Ladd... Shanna (segment "Death Proof")/Judy (trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Tracie Thoms... Kim (segment "Death Proof")
Mary Elizabeth Winstead... Lee (segment "Death Proof")

“Grindhouse” is a gimmick movie but it’s a good gimmick. I might even go so far as to say that it’s a great gimmick. It combines two B-movie tributes plus some fake trailers all for the low price of one movie ticket. Well, it would have been low if I didn’t decide to go to the Chinese Theater in Hollywood to see it. But I wanted to see this exploitation tribute the right way. All I needed was some drunks screaming at the screen and it would have been perfect.

In order to get the full sleaze effect, “Grindhouse” tries to emulate the look of a 70’s double feature. There are deliberate scratches and imperfections all throughout the film and trailers. There are also a couple of spots during the movies where a MISSING REEL card will flash on the screen and the story will jump ahead. Surprisingly, both of those spots were where some hot and heavy action was about to start. Isn’t that always the way with missing reels?

The trailers during “Grindhouse” were hilarious. I would give “Machete” the nod for best trailer. That was the most ridiculously action packed. “Werewolf Women of the SS” is a movie I’d love to see. I was kind of hoping that the trailer was going to be in horribly dubbed English. Italian-made Naziploitation is the only way to go. I could have used a little more Sybil Danning there too. “Don’t” had me laughing. Just “don’t”. “Thanksgiving” started off kind of weak but made up for it with the cheerleader bouncing to her doom. Having fake trailers to space out the double feature was a great idea and added a lot of sleazy fun to the flick.

“Grindhouse” starts off with Rodriguez’s “Planet Terror”. A toxic cloud gets released and people get infected with the standard B-movie zombie killer virus. You know, shamble along, mutate, eat brains, etc. They start to attack a lot of different B-movie veterans but none is lovelier than Rose McGowan. The first scene in “Planet Terror” has McGowan doing a go-go dance which fixates on her legs. The zombies must have been watching too because they dive for them the minute they see her. The survivors have to massacre many zombies to survive the night. This all leads to the highlight of the flick as McGowan gets fitted for a machine gun for a leg.Yes! Much death and destruction courtesy of Rose’s lethal leg follows.

“Planet Terror” was a lot of fun. It was the highlight of “Grindhouse”. This was the flick that represented the outrageous spirit of the B-movie. It’s a straight ahead, gory zombie flick. Nothing fancy just a whole lot of blood and guts to keep the fans happy.

The second half of “Grindhouse” is Tarantino’s “Death Proof”. A bunch of girls are hanging out in Austin, TX when they cross paths with Stuntman Mike, (Kurt Russell). Stuntman Mike has had his eyes on these lovely ladies for quite some time. He envisions them smeared on his windshield. Why Mike wants to squash them into roadkill is never understood but it doesn’t really matter. Stuntman Mike does what he does because he’s Stuntman Mike. Soon Stuntman Mike will try his death proof car against some ladies who get off on vehicular mayhem as much as he does. Dialogue is Tarantino’s greatest strength. It’s also his greatest weakness. It’s his weakness because he loves to hear himself talk on and on and on... Every character who speaks gives him another chance to reference a movie or a TV show or some vague pop culture reference or just gives him the opportunity to babble on about nothing. Some might call it characterization. I call it filler.

While I have nothing against being a little self indulgent, Tarantino lets himself drag “Death Proof” down with many conversations that go nowhere. His talent for dialogue worked to great effect in “Reservoir Dogs”, (one of my favorite movies), and “Pulp Fiction”, (also in my top 20), when Tarantino was writing hilariously vulgar dialogue between tough guys. But “Death Proof” shows that he just can’t write as well for women. The second half of “Death Proof” stuck us with women so boring that I was rooting for Stuntman Mike to run them down. Even having the New Zealand girl imitate the car hood scene from “Fair Game” had me yawning.

Still, “Death Proof” certainly had its moments. When the girls were behind the wheel and doing battle with Stuntman Mike, the movie came to life. I suspect Tarantino just wanted to see if he could make a really cool car chase scene. Any scenes with cars knocking each other across the road were good. It’s just when the engines turned off that the movie came to a halt. The one exception was Rose McGowan and Stuntman Mike’s meeting in the bar. I especially liked Stuntman Mike’s graphic illustration as to why the driver side of his car is death proof.

Overall, “Grindhouse” delivers a lot of what it promises. I went in hoping for some bloody B-movie thrills and that’s what I got. You should try to see it in the theater if you can. “Grindhouse” is a movie experience well worth having.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 lethal B-movie babes

"Feed" review

Feed (2005)

Director: Brett Leonard
Writers: Kieran Galvin Alex O'Loughlin

Alex O'Loughlin ... Michael Carter
Patrick Thompson ... Phillip Jackson
Gabby Millgate ... Deidre
Jack Thompson ... Richard
Rose Ashton ... Abbey
Matthew Le Nvez ....Nigel

“Feed” is a love letter to gluttony and kink. It’s one of those movies that tries to condemn the perversions of its characters but ends up reveling in them. Of course what it’s really reveling in is its ability to shock its jaded horror audience with something they’ve probably never seen before. “Feed” mixes in perverted websites and psychotic mommy fixations to make a hilariously disturbing flick.

A cop in Australia is surfing the internet to try to find some sickos. He comes across a website that has a guy feeding a woman. When I say feeding, I mean stuffing food down her throat until she becomes a giant disgusting blob. The website is taking bets as to when these women are going to croak. For some reason, the cop decides it’s his duty to fly to the U.S. and save the fat women from exploding from too many cheeseburgers. The rest of the movie has the cop and his weirdo nemesis playing mind games with each other while the house of a woman keeps eating. Feed her.

I always like movies that try to shock you with how sick the world really is. “Feed” delivers some sick thrills. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hear that oldies song “Cherish” again without thinking of this movie. “Feed” touches on a new type of internet perversion for those of us who are ignorant of the more extreme sides of humiliation and domination. Is it a crime to feed someone? What if they want it? How do we get so twisted that we even come up with things like this? These and other questions won’t be answered by watching “Feed” but you will get a peek at the madness that binds two sick people together.

Although I enjoyed “Feed” for it’s commitment in making a sick flick, I don’t see many horror fans getting into it. While there are certainly some horror elements to it, it’s not really a horror flick. It’s more of an attempt to gross you out with it’s obscenely fat bodies and warped sexual fantasies. But I enjoyed “Feed” for the uniquely disgusting experience that it was. “Feed” also has a sick sense of humor about its perverts which is its saving grace. If it tried to play this subject matter straight, it probably would have been a very uncomfortable experience to sit through. As it is, it’s only slightly uncomfortable. Well, slightly uncomfortable for guys like me that is.

One last thought. Fast food burgers are the love potion of choice for the “Feeder”, (guy who stuffs food into the fat woman’s mouth), and the “Gainer”, (immensely huge woman bobsledding her way to an early grave). After seeing the cheeseburgers prepared in this movie, I can’t wait to hit the In and Out burger. Or maybe Fat Burger. I’m not as hungry as big bad mama was, but I could go for a double double. Animal style of course.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 love burgers
Feed the women. Keep them happy.
Oh yeah baby. Extra sauce. You know what I like.
More, more, more!

Dang I'm hungry. Feed me.

"Kinky Pleasures" review

Kinky Pleasures (2006)

Director Woquini Adams

Dee ... Cinnamon
Brooke Hunter ... Sasha
Sean Juergens ... Trey
Julia Kruis ... Collette
Beverly Lynne ... Madison/Morgan
Frank Mercuri ... Pierre

“Kinky Pleasures” has a lot of Beverly Lynne bang for your buck. She plays twin sisters Madison and Morgan. Madison is the hot stripper and Morgan is the shy teacher. Through a series of events, they decide to switch lives. Morgan ends up dancing at that strip club on Pico and Madison heads off to the country. Through the joy of stripping and lots of stripper sex, Morgan ends up releasing a lot of pent-up frustration. Madison finds the fresh country air and a hot stud will heal her troubled mind and body.

“Kinky Pleasures” is a decent Beverly Lynne flick. Beverly goes the way of Jean Claude-Van Damme and spends most of the movie talking to herself/sister. I was waiting for the scene where Beverly has sex with herself but that was probably too kinky. “Kinky Pleasures” has Beverly flashing her naughty and nice sides so we can see her have lots of naughty and nice sex. I was pleased.

But what “Kinky Pleasures” is really about is exploring the dichotomy that rages inside Beverly Lynne. On the one hand, Beverly strikes you as a nice girl that a normal guy might have a shot with. Most of the movies she’s been in she usually plays the innocent, sweet girl. In “Kinky Pleasures” she protests to her stripper friend that just because a guy has money shouldn’t mean everything. Sweet, innocent Beverly is always standing up for love and attraction over money and greed.

Then there’s the other Beverly who is a very prolific softcore star. She loves getting naked at the drop of a hat and has sex with just about everyone she sees. Most of her sex scenes with men usually end with her in the doggie-style position. That way we can see her beautiful breasts bounce while she’s on her hands and knees. Which Beverly persona is real? Which one will prevail? It’s a balancing act for sure but I’d cry a river if the anal sex loving Beverly went away.

This cuts to the very heart of the sex appeal of Beverly Lynne. Some of the softcore stars give off an aura of unattainably. Beverly doesn’t have that problem. Beverly is pretty, sexy, looks great with long blonde hair and has a great body. But her main strength is that she seems friendly and approachable. This fantasy element is the key to her success. She looks like the hot blonde that you could go out with and have fun. Then when you get her home it’s time to strip her down and get her on all fours. I suspect naughty and nice Beverly will be filling our late nights with fantasies for quite some time.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 naughty and nice Beverlys

"The Reaping" review

The Reaping (2007)

Directed by Stephen Hopkins
Writing credits Carey Hayes Chad Hayes

Hilary Swank ... Katherine Winter
David Morrissey ... Doug
Idris Elba ... Ben
AnnaSophia Robb ... Loren McConnell
Stephen Rea... Father Costigan
William Ragsdale ... Sheriff Cade

So let me tell you the saga of Dr. Gore and “The Reaping”. It is a story filled with greed, lust and madness. Well, not really. But it is kind of funny.

I saw “The Reaping” a couple of months ago at a private screening on the Warner Bros’ lot. This was their work-in-progress print and they were looking for feedback. So it was me and about thirty other people checking out the flick. When it was over, a guy bounced to the front of the room and started asking the usual post-screening questions: “How many of you liked the ending? The middle? The beginning? Anything? Bueller? Would you definitely recommend this movie to friends? Would you probably recommend this movie to friends? Would anyone in their right minds recommend this movie to friends?” I had to give some feedback so I told him the frog plague was lacking. In the frog scene in the WIP print, only about five to six frogs fall from the sky. This is hardly a plague of frogs. More like an inconvenience of frogs. I told him my thoughts on the frog situation. He was not interested.

Fast forward to a couple of months later and, thanks to my trusty Plus One, I was able to score tickets to the Westwood premiere of “The Reaping”. It was playing at the Mann Village which is a really cool theater near UCLA. I was sitting near the front with the always cool Poker with Friends. They know how to party. Corndogs and margaritas. That’s all I’m saying.

I was standing up before the movie started to see if I could catch a glimpse of Hilary Swank. One of the funny things at premieres is how the movie starts the second the star is seated. Swank rolled in around 7:30 and took a spot in the middle section. Sure enough, the second she sat down the lights went out and the movie started. As I settled into my seat, I flashed back to the previous “Reaping” screening. I left Warner Bros. wondering if anything anyone said in the post-screening chat was going to affect the outcome of the final movie. I made a note to check to see if I noticed any differences.

Nope. Nada. Nothing. I did not see any substantial changes from the previous version of the movie. There was one change to a bloody gunshot wound scene that made it more tasteful. That was one of the scenes I remember wincing at. Sheesh. Their mainstream instincts got the best of them and they toned down one of the few gory spots. And did they listen to me about the frogs? Did they?! Of course they didn’t. They didn’t listen to anything anyone said.

A small town is afflicted with the biblical plagues. Hilary Swank gets called into duty as a professional skeptic. Swank rolls into town with Stringer Bell, (Idris Elba), as her loyal sidekick. Together they will debunk these crazy stereotypical southerners and their wacky religious ramblings. The town thinks a cute blonde girl is the spawn of Satan. She doesn’t smile so she must be evil. The townspeople want to run a pitchfork through her but Swank is not convinced that’s a good idea. As more plagues start piling up, (boils, lice and a really lame frog plague), Swank needs to take action and figure out what is going on with the blonde angel of death.

“The Reaping” is the definition of mainstream horror. In fact, I wouldn’t even call it a horror movie. It’s a Swank vehicle disguised as a biblical thriller. There are a lot of slick “jump” scenes to scare you but that doesn’t pass the horror movie litmus test.

The main problem with “The Reaping” is something that can’t be fixed with editing or any other filmmaking trick. The fact is that the plagues are just not that interesting to watch. The only one that has cinematic appeal is the plague of locusts. That scene was kind of cool. Other than that, how scary is it to watch lice or boils? Not very. Those lice are going to make you shave your head! MOO-HA-HA! Snore. These plagues were kind of cheap, half baked plagues anyway. Forgetting about my precious frog plague for a second, every other plague affected one or two people and then moved on. They should have put some effort into showing more devastation and despair from a town reeling from biblical onslaught. Instead, we get Hilary Swank looking hot and sweaty as the world crumbles around her. They couldn’t waste time on things like horror when they’ve got a release date to make so they can exploit the Easter holiday for all it’s worth. Reap what you sow.

When the movie was over, we waited outside for my Plus One to come out so we could thank him for the tickets. As we waited, Stringer Bell walked out of the theater and was moving towards the row of parked limos. I turned to my friend and said, “Do you want to shake Stringer Bell’s hand? He’s right over there.” He turned around, looked at me and said, “Maybe three hours ago I would have. But after that movie, I don’t think so.” Later I asked him where the movie lost him. “Honestly?”, he said, “the part where the pictures were burning. I looked at that and thought, well, I’m bored already.” But that was at the beginning of the movie, I said. You were bored from the start? “Yeah”, he said, “going to have to try to forget that one.” “The Reaping” had a profound impact on him. It wasn’t good.

As for me, where were my stinking frogs?! Come on! “The Reaping” needed more frogs man! I can’t let it go! A couple of hundred slimy frogs falling from the sky could have saved the movie. Well, probably not but at least I would have been happy.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bored frogs
Only hot and buff Swanks can save us from evil blonde girls.

Look out Hilary! Blonde in the bushes! A plague of cute blonde girls!

"Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein" review

Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein (1999)

Directed by Brian O'Hara
Writing credits Brian O'Hara Vito Cannella

Graig Guggenheim ... The Monster, a.k.a. 'King'
Jayson Spence ... Frankie Stein
Barry Feterman... Bernie Stein
Hiram Jacob Segarra ... Iggy
Andrew Hurley ... Curly

A music executive is getting tired of all of these ungrateful musicians bailing on him. He decides he needs to build his own rock star. He enlists the help of his brilliant nephew, Frankie Stein, to help him construct the ultimate rock star. A perpetually high roadie signs on to do some serious grave robbing. He grabs all of the rocker body parts he can get his hands on. He’s got Hendrix’s hands, Keith Moon’s legs and Elvis’s head. They decide the finishing touch needs to be Jim Morrison’s love appendage. In a mix up at the morgue, they grab Liberace’s penis instead. From there the movie gets wacky as Elvis’s head can’t reconcile with Liberace’s tool. Many sexually confused monster jokes follow.

“Rock and Roll Frankenstein” becomes one long gay joke as the new rock God tries everything to make his one-eyed wonder worm shut up. This review is going to become an exercise in how many different synonyms I can come up with for penis. Liberace’s pecker starts taking over the King’s desires. The monster’s brand new sausage starts telling him that he wants some hot man action. His little Elvis just wants to sing. Sometimes you’ve just got to feed the Meat Popsicle.

“Rock and Roll Frankenstein” is a funny flick. I wasn’t expecting it to go in the direction it did but I still liked it. This movie is obsessed with dick. Schlong. Wood and lots of it. Why the filmmakers wanted their rock and roll monster movie to be a parade of gay jokes is unknown. It starts off with some gory scenes as they’re sewing their rock monster together. Once Liberace’s Longfellow shows up, the movie goes hard and fast into pure gay monster comedy.

At any rate, “Rock and Roll Frankenstein” was a decent B-flick. It’s worth a look. Besides, how many movies have an Elvis monster talking to his purple-headed yogurt flinger? Oh man, it’s getting bad. Somebody stop me before I go too far. Too late!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 monster cocks - Very nice!

"Surrender" review

Surrender (2003)

Directed by Katherine Brooks
Writing credits Katherine Brooks Sophie Dia Pegrum

Katherine Brooks ... Salene McCadden (as Kate Hill)
Julie Clay ... Georgia Brown
Jon Jacobs ... John

I bought this DVD for two big reasons. If you look at the cover, you will notice a very large breasted woman whose massive chest is about to rip open her tight clothing. This image thrilled me as so many other images of large breasted women have. So I bought “Surrender” in the hopes that I would see this mysterious woman in clothes-exploding action.

I have two big problems with this movie. My fantasy woman is nowhere to be found in “Surrender”. The marketing department took a peek at the actual movie and realized that there was nothing to sell. So they found a top heavy model to plaster on the front cover in the hope that some suckers would pick up the DVD. Say hello to a B-movie sucker. Ripped off again. I love it.

“Surrender” is a lesbian fantasy movie. Well, more specifically, it is the director’s lesbian fantasy as she has cast herself in the role of Salene. Shy Southern girl Georgia comes to live with dominatrix Salene. Through a series of events too boring to be repeated, Georgia starts to take an interest in Salene’s lifestyle. In the best scene in the movie, Georgia and Salene start making out on the couch and then jump into the tub together. But Salene’s dominatrix business starts interfering with their love life and the viewer nods off in apathy. The movie ends with a lot less lesbian sex and a lot more arguing and yelling.

“Surrender” doesn’t have enough sex to make it a decent softcore flick. It’s trying to be a serious drama about broken lives in Los Angeles. Any fool who bought this DVD, (like me), just wants to watch that large breasted woman from the cover do naughty things in the S&M underworld. Alas it is not to be as “Surrender” just wants to let the director explore her kinkier side. There is also an amazing amount of smoking and drinking in this movie as every other scene has someone lighting up a cigarette or guzzling down some booze. Georgia likes to smoke almost as much as Salene does and even has a sex scene where she’s smoking as she rides some guy.

“Surrender” is not worth the time. My fantasy girl was not in it so what’s the point? The S&M scenes weren’t too harsh and the lesbian scenes were fairly weak. I did like the make out session on the couch but that’s the only good thing I can say about “Surrender”. You can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 spanked girls

"Chainsaw Sally" review

Chainsaw Sally (2004)

Directed by Jimmyo Burril
Writing credits Jimmyo Burril

April Monique Burril... Sally Diamon
Mark Redfield... Steve Kellerman
Alec Joseph... Ruby Diamon
Kristen Hudson... Cynthia Prescott
Jennifer Rouse... Ice Cream Girl
Lesley Vernot... Tina Gray
Gunnar Hansen... Daddy
Herschell Gordon Lewis... Mr. Gordon
Suzi Lorraine... Miss Busybee

“Chainsaw Sally” is about a girl and her chainsaw. Sally has had a tough life. Her parents were killed by a roving gang of madmen. This incident scars young Sally for life and blossoms her into the bloodlust crazed Chainsaw Sally. She takes on a shy librarian persona for cover. No one will suspect! Chainsaw Sally likes to rip and tear into anyone who is rude and obnoxious. Talkative library patrons, snotty ice cream girls and foul mouthed guys in bars all get to taste Sally’s blade. A rich guy rolls into town to try to sell his property which houses Sally and her equally twisted brother. Will Sally allow someone to sell her psychotic homestead? Not bloody likely.

“Chainsaw Sally” is an amusing flick. Sally wants to have some of the fun that all of the movie madmen have been hogging. She is a student of horror films and wants to get her chainsaw on. Sally has that hot Goth girl look that some guys like. All of the guys who fall for it end up meeting their grisly demise. There’s plenty of blood splatter as Sally takes out anyone who crosses her path. And anyone who annoys her. And anyone she feels like taking out. And so on and so on.

But I have one strike against “Chainsaw Sally”. You can probably guess what it is. Why didn’t Chainsaw Sally get topless? This was the scene I was waiting for but it never happened. There was a great scene where she seduces the ice cream girl back to the Sally pad. They start kissing and life is good. Then Sally’s bloodlust supercedes her real lust and she proceeds to make mince meat out of poor ice cream girl. Would-be horror icons need to get topless. To be a scream queen, the viewer must scream in delight. Wouldn’t it have been great to see Sally drenched in blood while she runs naked through the house with her chainsaw blazing after some unsuspecting dolt? Or am I the only one who thinks like this?

Anyway, “Chainsaw Sally” was OK. If you want to see a freaky Goth girl kill a bunch of imbeciles, (and not get topless while doing it), it’s worth a look. I just hope in the sequel they make up for their Sally mistake and have the psychotic babe get naked while going about her business. Fewer clothes will make her a more efficient killer. Trust me on this. I know these kinds of things. Don’t ask me how.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 psycho Sallys

"World of the Erotic Ape" review

World of the Erotic Ape (2002)
AKA Planet of the Erotic Ape AKA Babes in Kongland

Directed by Lou Vockell
Writing credits Lou Vockell

Bill Randolph ... George Taylor
Lisa Schneider
Julie Strain
Jenny Wallace

A self proclaimed mad scientist and his nerdy assistant invent a device known as a “remote control” which beams in terrible movies from galaxies far, far away. They start picking up transmission waves from a planet where guys in cheap ape costumes have fake looking sex with women. Somehow the mad scientist transports himself into the terrible movie and wacky ape hijinks ensue. The women of the planet have lost their love monkey. They need to frolic with their missing ape or else they’ll resort to non-stop lesbian sex. That ape needs to stay lost.

It’s hard to hate “World of the Erotic Ape”. It’s just trying to please with its various inane scenes of ape loving. There are also plenty of naked women as they get turned on by the bananas on the gorilla’s breath and start pawing each other like animals. There are also a couple of funny spots as the scientist adjusts to his lowly place in the brave new lesbian world.

But having said all that, it’s even harder to like this movie. Running about 60 minutes, “World of the Erotic Ape” doesn’t have much to offer. In the first five minutes, we see an ape have sex with a woman. When I say ape, I really mean a guy in a cheap ape mask and a Hawaiian shirt. The expression on the monkey’s face doesn’t change as he’s having some human loving. Facial expressions would have cost money. After this nonsensical scene is over, we know the movie has no more surprises. The erotic ape has howled and left.

So what else is there? Not much. There are a couple of lesbian scenes but they’re all pretty weak. Every scene is shot with no sound and then dubbed over later. It all looks fake and makes the movie reek harder than it should. When the ladies finally find the ape again it turns into a gorilla gang bang that looks very similar to an earlier sex scene. Endless looping of fake sex scenes does not make for a satisfying skin flick.

After talking to the dirty ape, it turns out that he had run away because he was tired of fake love. I’m with the monkey. Let this love hungry gorilla go. Run free monkey! Far, far away…

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cheap love monkeys

"Satan's Schoolgirls" review

Satan's Schoolgirls (2004)

Directed by Ted W. Crestview
Writing credits Terry West

J. Scott Green ... Father Thomas
Suzi Lorraine ... Sister Helen
Kerri Taylor ... Tammy
Jane Scarlett ... Julian
Shannon Moore ... Karen
Brandy D'Vinn ... Lily

Do you know what an “establishing shot” is? It’s when you see a shot at the beginning of the scene so that you know where the rest of the scene is going to take place. So if there is an exterior shot of a large building followed by an interior shot of two people talking, it implies that the conversation is taking place inside that building. “Satan’s Schoolgirls” takes the establishing shot to new heights as half the movie is filled with them. The two establishing shots they use and abuse are of the church and of the graveyard. Almost every scene is buffered with an establishing shot. OK. We get it. They’re talking inside the church. You’ve established that fact to death. I understand where they are. Enough!

I’m pointing this out in the hopes that it makes it clear the level of filmmaking quality that went into “Satan’s Schoolgirls”. Running a brisk 60 minutes, (if that), “Satan’s Schoolgirls” did not have much of a movie to flesh out so they had to rely on exciting static shots of the exterior of the church to keep things trudging along.

A priest comes to stay at a church for the summer to help some wayward students. Four Suicide Girls are hanging out and need some guidance. They are Satan’s schoolgirls. The church used to hold a Satanic cult and rumor has it that they’ll be back someday to get their revenge.

Speaking of rumors, there was also a rumor that there was a movie worth watching in the middle of all of these shots of churches but then I watched “Satan’s Schoolgirls” and dispelled that myth forever. The acting is terrible, the effects are atrocious and the establishing shot overload melted my brain with its lameness. But my main problem with this would-be sleaze fest is that it’s not nearly as sleazy as it should have been.

Suzi Lorraine, (AKA Kelli Summers), played the horny nun of the school. Now, you and I know that horny nuns need to get topless. I mean, how can you call yourself a horny nun and not take your bra off? No self respecting horny nun would fail to get topless. It’s especially not right coming from a veteran of Seduction Cinema flicks. What the heck were the filmmakers thinking? They weren’t thinking of me that’s for sure. She even had the perfect opportunity to rip some clothes off when she spanked the disobedient student with the paddle. But alas, she stayed strong and resisted the urge to let her bra fly free. Tragic.

The rest of the movie has the makings of a couple of other sleazy scenes but then they inexplicably fall short. The horny lesbian of the group sees a girl she wants taking a shower. So does she do anything about it? Of course not. She gets slapped and gives up right away. This is not how a Satanic Schoolgirl should have handled her rejection. There’s another scene where one of the girls seduces the big dumb handyman. Does she take off any clothing during her sex scene? Of course not. Why would you expect these girls to act promiscuous? Oh right. The stinking movie is called “Satan’s Schoolgirls” that’s why.

On the plus side, there were two girls who got topless. So that was fun to watch. But there is not nearly enough sleaze-o-rama in “Satan’s Schoolgirls” to justify its existence. If you are going to go over the top and give your movie a lurid title like “Satan’s Schoolgirls”, you better take the time to pack it with some shocking scenes. What I’m saying is, less exterior of churches scenes, more topless nuns spanking student scenes. That ought to do the trick.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 bored Satanic schoolgirls