Saturday, February 10, 2007

"Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps" review

Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps (1999)

Directed by Sam Silver
Writing credits Louise Dunkirk

Amy Lindsay.... Grace
Kim Yates.... Jenifer
Michelle Bauer.... Miss Marie
Amber Newman.... Evie
Shannon Malone.... Daphne
Taimie Hannum.... Tawnee

Two desperate housewives, (Kim Yates and Amy Lindsay), go on a tour of an old west town to get away from their neglectful husbands. A magic mirror awaits them in a saloon bedroom. After wishing that they could get away, the two Alice’s jump through the looking glass into a Wild West wonderland. From there the softcore flick cranks up as Yates and Lindsay work as prostitutes and get friendly with the customers. They look for a way back to the future in between various sex scenes with various people.

Surrender Cinema has always been hit or miss for me. On the one hand, Surrender Cinema always has the women who make softcore cinema worth watching. They’ve made plenty of flicks with such heavyweights as Nikki Fritz and Jacqueline Lovell. Kim Yates and Amy Lindsay look good in this one. They’ve also got Michelle Bauer as the brothel madam. She was one of the reasons I rented it in the hope that she would be a blazing example of a horny saddle tramp. No dice. Michelle doesn’t dirty herself with the customers. How sad.

The recurring problem with Surrender Cinema is that they feel the need to wrap their softcore flick in some sort of Sci-Fi/Fantasy setting. The unnecessary plot always ends up distracting from the real cliffhanger of when are these women going to get naked and with whom. Once they finally get around to a sex scene, they crank up the music so loud that you can’t hear any of the action. Every sex scene is shot like a cheesy rock video. It’s not working for me.

In “Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps”, the ladies are wandering around the old west thinking about their husbands they left behind. But wouldn’t you know it; the hubbies pop up as characters in the old west town. So naturally Yates and Lindsay are attracted to them and proceed to take them to bed in the hope that this will make their present-day husbands love them more. So remember ladies, if your man is neglecting you, just hop back in time and bang a look-alike. That’ll solve the problem 100 years later.

Nothing kills a softcore flick faster than fidelity. Watching Yates and Lindsay pine for their husbands is not what horny voyeurs are looking for. It’s definitely not what this horny voyeur is looking for. I was begging for a scene where Yates and Lindsay hop into bed with Bauer so she could teach them how girls do it in the Wild West. What do I get instead? Yates making a move on the town reverend because he looks like her husband. Bleech.

So unless you’re really in the mood to see Yates and Lindsay go back in time and get naked, you can let this one go. The saddle tramps weren’t trampy enough for me.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 horny Lindsays

Note: This picture has nothing to do with "Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps". I just wish it did.

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