"Popatopolis" review

Popatopolis (2009)

Director: Clay Westervelt
Writer: Clay Westervelt

Jim Wynorski

Julie K. Smith
Julie Strain
Monique Parent
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Antonia Dorian
Roger Corman
Andy Sidaris

Stormy Daniels

So I was in a strip club in the San Gabriel Valley when Stormy Daniels strutted in. She was the feature performer that night and you could get your picture taken with her for $20. Who was I to deny myself this pleasure? Also, I had just reviewed "The Witches of Breastwick" and I wanted to talk to her about the movie. Stormy was very open and honest with me about the making of this softcore flick. She told me she got paid $800. For comparison, she told me she gets paid $8,000 to direct a hardcore flick. I asked her about her Co-stars and she said that Glori-Anne Gilbert was a very sweet girl. I asked her why she thought Wynorski put her in the movie since I didn't perceive any charisma in Glori-Anne. She said that Glori-Anne was Wynorski's girlfriend. Ahh, it all makes sense now. She also talked about how Julie Smith was not happy that she was there and that Julie argued with Wynorski all the time. She also never received a DVD of the movie but she did get a VHS tape. It was an enlightening and pleasant conversation. Little did I know that four years later I would watch a documentary about the making of "Witches of Breastwick" which complemented my late night strip club conversation.

"Popatopolis" is a documentary about breasts, B-movies, porn stars, greed, and a man who epitomizes cut-throat filmmaking. I am referring to Jim Wynorski, the most prolific, (and shameless), B-movie maker working today. This documentary follows Wynorski as he goes through the motions of bringing his latest softcore flick, "The Witches of Breastwick", to life. But it's also about the rise and fall of Wynorski and how he has let himself get corrupted by the never ending checks flowing from the bottomless coffers of late night cable.

"Popatopolis" is a fascinating documentary. Speaking as a guy who has not only seen "Witches of Breastwick" but has sat through many Wynorski late night flicks, this documentary really pushed a button in me. I had an image in my head of the guy who cranked out "Breastford Wives", "The Hills have Thighs" and "Cleavagefield" and it was reinforced after watching Wynorski in action. Now I can safely say that Wynorski only cares about himself and his $65,000 check from Cinemax. There is nothing else in his life that matters. Making movies only irritates him as it slows down his ability to get paid.

"Popatopolis" starts off with Wynorski saying he's a big movie fan. He runs through his house showing off his video stashes in the kitchen and in the bedroom. The dichotomy of Wynorski as a movie fan and Wynorski as a director just doesn't make any sense. How can this guy profess to being a movie fan and still live with himself for cranking out some of the movies he's attached his name to? Has he not picked up any filmmaking techniques from watching countless films?

The only techniques Wynorski has picked up over the years is in the art of getting away with it. When Wynorski was working with Roger Corman, he actually made an effort to produce some quality B-movies. "Not of this Earth" and "Chopping Mall" were both fun B-movies. But left to his own devices, Wynorski just wants to get the annoying filmmaking process out of the way so that he can collect his money. Actors, actresses and the crew are only there to irritate him as he barks his way through the production.

"Popatpolis" shines a light on how much Wynorski cares, (very little), for the other people who make his movies possible. When the cast and crew arrive at the cabin for the shoot, they are surprised to find out that there are no amenities available. There are no towels or working can openers. Of course that doesn't matter since there's no food to eat anyway. I thought there was only going to be one bed to share and Wynorski was going to have all of the ladies pile onto his to save some space.

Speaking of ladies, the three babes in "Witches of Breastwick" are the topless muses that keep Wynorski's creative juices flowing. Julie Smith, Glori-Anne Gilbert and Stormy Daniels are the witches and they will pop their tops at Wynorski's command. Monique Parent also shows up at the destitute cabin and her top will be popped at some point during the shoot.

Julie Strain and Julie Smith, (Big and Little Julies), are given the chance to reflect on Wynorski and B-movies in general. Both of them seem a little melancholy over the state of the industry and how Wynorski has changed over the years. Big Julie can not even bring herself to refer to what Wynorski is filming these days as B-movies. She has to call them C-movies. Both of them seem slightly offended, (especially little Julie), that porn stars are now able to get into B-movies. Julie Smith has been working with Wynorski for awhile and even though she tries to defend him, it can't be denied that Wynorski's lust for profit means less interesting B-films and more mindless softcore sex flicks. Of course when Julie Smith shows up in one of Wynorski's softcore movies, I'm not complaining.

One of the most fascinating aspects of this documentary is watching Wynorski's directing style (or lack thereof). In one protracted scene, he tortures Julie Smith until she gets a line about a tow truck right. He makes her repeat the line over and over until she reads it exactly as written. Torturing his one good actress interests him and yet in other scenes Wynorski show no directing interest at all. There's another scene where Stormy, Monique and Glori-Anne are in a hot tub and Wynorski doesn't do anything to move the scene forward except sit on his rear end while the girls go at it. If these are the money shots in the flick, why isn't Wynorski offering any advice on how to make the scene better? This one scene, (and Stormy's sex scene against the tree), clearly illustrate how much Wynorski cares, (very little), about sex scenes. They seem to bore him so he just lets them play out naturally. It's up to the performers to improvise their way through them as Wynorski takes a nap and dreams of his paycheck.

"Popatopolis" highlights the real tragedy of Jim Wynorski. If Wynorski was just some guy using a fake name to film fake sex, no one would care about him. There wouldn't be a documentary about him. People who he's berated and screamed at for years would not be sticking up for him if there wasn't at least something there to like. B-movie fans can only bring themselves to praise the movies he made in the late 80's to mid-90's because every movie since then has been a rush job to get in the hands of his masters at Cinemax. He's an ambitious guy who has a manic need to make films but he can't seem to bring himself to expend too much energy to make the movies really enjoyable. We've seen him make good movies in the past and we know he has the skill to do it but his lust for more money overrides any and all other filmmaking needs.

"Popatopolis" is the best movie Wynorski has been associated with in fifteen years. It's a documentary that should be seen by B-movie fans. It is an honest look at Jim Wynorski and his mercenary filmmaking style. It may also scare you away from the B-movie world after seeing the utter lack of glamour associated with it's unrelenting production schedule. "Popatopolis" won't endear people to Wynorski but it does help to understand the mindset of a rapid fire filmmaker.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Wynorskis in action

Wynorski gives the number one lesson in B-movie making: Pop that top.

"Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead" review

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

Director: Declan O'Brien
Writers: Connor James Delaney Alan B. McElroy

Tom Frederic ... Nate
Janet Montgomery ... Alex
Gil Kolirin ... Floyd
Christian Contreras ... Willy
Jake Curran ... Crawford
Tom McKay ... Brandon
Chucky Venice ... Walter (as Chucky Venn)
Tamer Hassan ... Chavez
Jack Gordon ... Trey
Louise Cliffe ... Sophie
Charley Speed ... Brent
Borislav Petrov ... Three Toes

A bunch of teens are going kayaking, getting topless and smoking dope. Their revelry is interrupted by a mutant cannibal with a bow and arrows. Of course it is. Just when you thought the movie was over, our attention is diverted to a prison where there will be a high risk transfer of their most dangerous prisoners. On the way through the backwoods, the hillbilly freak attacks the prison bus and makes it fall down a hill. The prisoners have taken a Wrong Turn. Well, not really a turn so much as a Wrong Roll. The rest of the movie has the guards and prisoners debating survival tactics and money management as the hillbilly cannibal picks their bones clean.

"Wrong Turn 3" is a corporate exploitation movie. It is a ruthlessly efficient vehicle for blood, guts and multiple dismemberment scenes. It's pretty much an hour and a half of pure violence. It also doesn't have anything to do with the previous "Wrong Turn" movies. Well, there are people running through the woods from a hideous hillbilly but Eliza Dusku wasn't one of them so it wasn't as interesting. I saw the first "Wrong Turn", (and loved it), but I didn't see the sequel. It feels like this movie was made because the filmmakers had a script about convicts escaping through the woods and they weren't sure what to do with it.

But is there a right way to make a "Wrong Turn" movie? Is there only one way these films are supposed to play out? Why can't a "Wrong Turn" movie have convicts and prison guards getting slaughtered instead of the usual teens? Oh sure, I'd rather see a busload of sorority girls running from the freaks but you can't have everything.

Speaking as a sleazy exploitation fan, "Wrong Turn 3" has some enjoyable aspects. It is shameless gore entertainment. Body parts are hacked off regularly and there are plenty of scenes of torture as the hillbilly chops his way through his victims. What the movie lacks in imagination, it makes up for in blunt force trauma to the viewers head. The violence is unrelenting. Blood effects are let loose on a constant basis.

However, if you were a big fan of the original "Wrong Turn", you may despise this movie. Everything about "Wrong Turn 3" reeks of cheapness. From the dismal CGI effects to the rubbery masked mutant, the budget was not spent on making convincing special effects. They didn't have the funds for a whole clan of cannibals so they had to settle for one and a half maniacs. But the real exploitation at work here is on the goodwill associated with the "Wrong Turn" franchise. They took their convict action script and added a few scenes of a deformed backwoods freak to make it seem like a "Wrong Turn" movie. The slaughter scene at the beginning was probably added on later to at least give the illusion that the filmmakers actually watched the first two movies.

So if you're looking for a faithful sequel to the "Wrong Turn" movies, you'd be better off letting this one go. But if you're just looking for some mindless gore entertainment, "Wrong Turn 3" has some scenes worth watching. It's not trying to be a horror movie. It just wants to spend ninety minutes throttling you with scenes of blood and destruction. It's quite content to be a gory action movie. Whether it succeeds or not depends on how low your standards are.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 mutant hillbillies

"Bikini Frankenstein" review

Bikini Frankenstein (2010)

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Frankie Cullen ... Dr. Frankenstein
Jayden Cole ... Eve
Brandin Rackley ... Ingrid
Christine Nguyen ... Claudia
Billy Chappell ... Clyde (as Tony Marino)
Ted Newsom ... Professor Van Sloane
Ron Ford ... Dr. Waldman

Dr. Frankenstein has a horny dream. A noble wet dream. It involves bringing a really hot corpse back to life. He finds the tallest, hottest dead woman he can find and pumps her full of electricity. Thankfully the lust experiment is a success. Eve, (Jayden Cole), springs to life and proceeds to do what any grateful undead babe would do. She grabs Frankenstein's assistant, (Brandin Rackley), and has sex with her on the operating table. Now that Frankenstein has the resurrected babe he's always wanted, he needs to show off his particular genius. So naturally he takes Eve to a cocktail party where everybody gets laid and a good time is had by all.

So "Bikini Frankenstein". It was on cable and I was up. Who was I to neglect watching yet another Fred Olen Ray bikini movie? Although no one actually wears a bikini in this movie, Jayden does wear a fetching two-piece. But why does the word "bikini" thrill Ray so much? Does he have some sort of Pavlovian response to the word? He hears the word "bikini" and starts drooling? I suppose we could consider some sort of classical conditioning testing on these prolific softcore auteurs but it may lead us down alleys in the mind that we're not ready for yet.

Now I'll be honest. I was fading in and out on this one. I didn't really catch all the subtle nuances that encompass a Fred Olen Ray softcore flick. But I was wide awake during the sex scenes and "Bikini Frankenstein" has some memorable ones. Brandin Rackley has a good scene with Jayden Cole on the operating table. Brandin is a kisser and I love that about her. She starts making out with Jayden and eventually they get into some tribbing which causes sparks to fly. Later, Brandin and Jayden head to the shower for some cooling off after their life igniting tribbing. Jayden is such a tall woman that Brandin has to stand on her tip toes just to reach her mouth for some more kissing scenes.

Now about Jayden Cole. Wow. She's amazing. She was an inspiration. Well, she inspired me to keep watching that's for sure. When the movie shifts to the cocktail party, there are the obligatory guy/girl scenes which really didn't thrill me too much. But the movie ends with an outstanding three way scene with Jayden, Brandin, and Christine Nguyen. This scene makes the movie worth watching. It also makes life worth living. Brandin and Christine pile up on Jayden and make her the center of their Sapphic attention. There is a lot of kissing and breast licking here which is what makes softcore movies the treasure they (sometimes) are.

So if you're up late one night and you need a tall woman in your life, give "Bikini Frankenstein" a look. Jayden Cole is a woman of action and gets a lot of it. Even if you can't stay awake to watch the whole thing, be sure to set your alarm clock so you can catch the last twenty minutes. Forget about a good night's sleep because there's a Jayden three-way scene that you have got to see.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 two-piece Jaydens

"Avenging Angel" review

Avenging Angel (1985)

Director: Robert Vincent O'Neill
Writers: Joseph Michael Cala Robert Vincent O'Neill

Betsy Russell ... Molly "Angel" Stewart
Rory Calhoun ... Kit Carson
Susan Tyrrell ... Solly Mosler
Ossie Davis ... Captain Harry Moradian
Robert F. Lyons ... Lt. Hugh Andrews
Steven M. Porter ... Yo-Yo Charlie
Paul Lambert ... Arthur Gerrard
Barry Pearl ... Johnny Glitter
Estee Chandler ... Cindy

I bought this video for three bucks. Angel is no longer a high school student by day, Hollywood hooker by night. Now she is a law school student by day, Hollywood homebody by night. But since this would make for a boring movie, Angel's life has to get a little more exciting at night. The cop who saved her from the nightmarish Hollywood streets is gunned down trying to save a topless female cop. At least he died for a good cause. Angel decides to go back on the streets to find his killer. So with the help of her goofy friends, Angel hits the mean streets of LA to find out who is up to no good in Hollywood.

"Avenging Angel" is the sequel to the brilliantly marketed but ultimately disappointing exploitation flick "Angel". "Angel" was pretty light on the sleazy scenes I'd expect to see from a Hollywood hooker with a gun movie. So after giving up another three bucks to watch the sequel, I have to wonder why I'm surprised "Avenging Angel" was also fairly routine for a faux Hollywood hooker with a gun movie. When you're a B-movie maniac, hope comes in all forms. Sometimes, it's in a tattered video box holding a sequel to a movie you weren't too thrilled about to begin with. Sometimes, your love for cheap thrills leads you astray. So when you see a video box cover with a hooker holding a gun, you know what needs to be done.

"Avenging Angel" is a lame attempt at humor and action as Angel tries to muscle her way through a Hollywood goon squad. Once again, Angel does not get naked even though she is ostensibly a Hollywood hooker. She's not even trying at this point. She just wants to exact revenge while wearing high heels and hot pants. Killing is more comfortable that way. The only true exploitation scene is at the beginning where a female cop gets shot in her apartment. Before she gets wasted, there are some nice lingering scenes of her getting out of the shower and putting her clothes on. "Avenging Angel" needed this scene. Actually, I wanted Angel to get revenge for the topless cop instead of her mentor. I was quite sad when she left the movie.

The rest of "Avenging Angel" has Angel in various states of distress as her and her crazy cowboy friend, (Rory Calhoun), have shootout after shootout with various anonymous thugs. It moves along at a fairly steady pace but doesn't deliver the necessary bang for the three bucks. It was worth about $1.25. It can be skipped.

One last thought, the one good thing I can say about "Avenging Angel" is that it was interesting to see the Hollywood Blvd scene in all its 1985 glory. "Avenging Angel" does make for an entertaining time capsule. There was a theater showing Prince's "Purple Rain". There was also a poster for Clint Eastwood's "Tightrope". But aside from the hairstyles and clothes, the most significant aspect of the 80's on display were the actual hookers walking Hollywood Blvd. Those days are long gone. I know this because I drive down Hollywood Blvd all the time and I can assure you that the hookers are not on the Boulevard anymore. Not that I'm looking for them mind you, but the working girls are now on the internet selling their wares. There couldn't be any more "Angel" sequels as it would involve Angel setting up dates over a secure internet connection and asking for references. If their credit card gets denied, Angel goes berserk. But since Angel never has sex in these movies anyway, it's really no big loss.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 armed Angels

"Chained Heat II" review

Chained Heat II (1993)

Director: Lloyd A. Simandl
Writer: Chris Hyde

Brigitte Nielsen ... Magda Kassar
Paul Koslo ... Franklin Goff
Kimberley Kates ... Alex Morrison
Kari Whitman ... Suzanne Morrison
Jana Svandová ... Rosa Schmidt
Marek Vasut ... Stefan Lotsky
Lucie Benesová ... Tina Lukof (as Lucie Benes)
Markéta Hrubesová ... Carla

An innocent girl has been thrown into prison. She is a sweet, virginal girl who has been framed for drug smuggling. They send her to the toughest woman's prison movie set they can find. She arrives at warden Brigitte Nielsen's private dungeon. Warden Nielsen likes to run a nice and sleazy prison. The girls are used and abused on a regular basis. Since there's money to be made in prostitution and pornography, why shouldn't Brigitte get a taste? She whores the girls out to the highest bidder and gets to taste the merchandise when the mood strikes her. She's in the mood a lot. There's another story going on about the innocent victim's sister trying to get the evidence she needs to free her but since it doesn't involve S&M chains and prisoner exploitation, it's not as interesting. It all ends in an orgy of violence as the girls strike back at warden Brigitte's excessive debauchery.

"Chained Heat II" is an acceptable entry in the mightiest of all exploitation genres, the woman's prison movie. There isn't a better vehicle to showcase excessive female nudity and wanton violence then shoving the cast onto a cheap set, making them wear tattered rags, (although all of these prisoners wear green short skirts), and letting the ladies run wild through the prison. All of the usual scenes are here. The shower scene, the random nudity scenes, the random violent scenes and random scenes of the corrupt warden indulging in various debased sexual acts. These random scenes somehow coalesce into a movie that is fairly painless to sit through.

The most important character in a woman's prison movie is the warden. Brigitte Nielson is the amazon warrior who runs the prison and she does a fine job. She likes to be submissive to her homicidal sidekick, Rosa. Rosa hates all living things and delights in causing the inmates as much anguish as she can. But the main character in a woman's prison flick is almost always a nice, sweet girl who will have to toughen up to survive. The poor, innocent girl needs to find an understanding friend who will comfort her in her darkest hour. And by comfort her, I mean that they need to have hot sweaty sex on the cell room floor. This genre is set in stone and any deviations will not be tolerated.

Unfortunately, this is where "Chained Heat II" falters. While there are some decent exploitation scenes to enjoy, the filmmakers fail to follow the two most basic woman's prison movie rules. The first one clearly states that there will be some sort of lesbian activity behind bars. The girls need to find a release for their pain and their cell mates should be there to help. When I saw the innocent girl and her friend end up in solitary confinement together, I was sure the filmmakers had set this scene up for the eventual Sapphic payoff. I was wrong. Instead, we are treated to a scene of the ladies talking and the nice girl giving her friend a necklace to remember her. I was shocked at the lack of exploitation in that scene but felt the movie would bounce back with Warden Nielsen.

I was wrong again. The second woman's prison rule this movie violates is failing to let their star get naked. Warden Nielsen does not have any nude scenes. For shame. Although she does have some interesting scenes playing a submissive to various dominating women, it doesn't make up for the lack of Brigitte in this film. I had dreams of Brigitte towering over some prisoners in the shower as she makes them wash her back. But my dreams went down the drain.

"Chained Heat II" is for the undiscriminating woman's prison lover. It doesn't provide all of the necessary thrills associated with the genre but it does manage to be mildly entertaining in its own sordid way. I would have liked to have seen a little more Brigitte stalking the prison halls but you can't have everything. It's worth a look if you're in need of a WIP fix. If not, it can be skipped.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Brigitte's in chains

"Bikini Girls on Ice" review

Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)

Director: Geoff Klein
Writers: Geoff Klein Jeff Ross

Suzi Lorraine... Kelly
Kerri Taylor... Nikki
Cindel Chartrand... Jenna
Ivan Peric... Tommy
Jarek Gader... Blake
Christina Sciortino... Lena
Caroline Faille... Brooke
William Jarand... Moe
Melissa Paulson... Kate

I was sent this DVD. I wasn't expecting it but there it was. "Bikini Girls on Ice". Clearly, this was a movie I was meant to see. Someone out there knew I needed to experience this very important film. What wonders were in store for me? Would there be bikini girls? Would they be on ice? What does Bikini Girls on Ice mean anyway? I didn't have anything more important to do that fateful day but find out for myself.

A girl's soccer team is stranded at a maniac's gas station. They were on their way to a bikini car wash when their bus broke down. The girl's decide to make the most out of their predicament and have the car wash outside the psycho's front door. Anyone who dares to venture inside the gas station is greeted by the mad killer Moe. Moe the maniac likes to kill bikini girls and stick them in his cooler. They become bikini girls on ice. Half the soccer team will be slaughtered inside the tiny gas station before anyone realizes they're stuck in a horror movie. The bikini girls start running and screaming in circles in a desperate attempt to escape the mad clutches of Moe.

"Bikini Girls on Ice" was a B-movie with potential. It piqued my interest with thoughts of bikini girls and car washes and the inevitable slashers that these exploitation elements create. But there is a fatal flaw in this movie which kills the entertainment value of watching dead bikini girls shoved into freezers. It's something I find myself lamenting far more often than I should. Shamefully, there isn't any nudity at the bikini car wash. Yet another B-movie tragedy.

So without naked bikini girls to enjoy, what other visual thrills does this movie have to offer? Not much I'm afraid. The filmmakers found an abandoned gas station and decided to build a slasher flick around it. People keep walking into the building and then promptly get attacked by Moe. There is no logical way that all of these people could get slaughtered without anyone hearing it. The gas station is barely large enough to walk through and Moe likes to scream and shout when he's butchering bodies. Fifty minutes go by before anyone realizes that something is amiss in the old gas station. The remaining bikini girls, (two), scream and run from room to room, (three), in a desperate attempt to get the horror movie started. It's too late bikini girl.

"Bikini Girls on Ice" is a dud. It's not scary, has almost no gore, and, most importantly, there are no naked bikini babes. I suppose you could appreciate the fact that the title didn't lie. There were plenty of bikini girls. And yes, Moe did put a lot of the dead ones in a cooler full of ice. But other than that, "Bikini Girls on Ice" doesn't have much in the way of thrilling entertainment to offer. It can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 frozen bikini girls

"Vampz" review

Vampz (2004)

Director: Steve Lustgarten

Terrence Flack ... Sweet
Terrence Atkins
Lamik Blake ... Keith
Tawanna Browne
Chantal Lashon ... Cleo
Raymond Parker ... Fred
Serria Tawan ... Lillith

"Vampz" is about black vampire hookers. Three black beauties decide to open a massage parlor so that their prey will come knocking on their door. Their plan works perfectly as men show up at their lair and are promptly slaughtered. They'd be disemboweling horny tricks to this day if it weren't for those meddling vampire hunting cops. They're on the lookout for the cop's cheating wife who likes white guys and lesbian vampires. Basically anyone who's not her husband. Some women are so hard to please. It all ends in a showdown to the death with as much gore and violence as the filmmakers could afford.

Black vampire hookers. I like writing that. "Vampz" certainly seemed like the exploitation movie for me. I wasn't expecting much from it. Just some good times with the vampire hookers. That's all I wanted. While "Vampz" has some entertaining qualities, there is one simple fact about this movie which will doom it to obscurity forever. The vampire hookers do not get naked. You wouldn't think it would be possible to have sex wearing your lingerie but you'd be wrong. When you've lived as a vampire for thousands of years, you learn a thing or two.

It's a shame the filmmakers couldn't convince the vampire babes to drop their clothes as "Vampz" could have been a pretty decent B-movie. I'm shocked to tell you this, but "Vampz" wasn't terrible. It had some fun scenes, (including a brief lesbian kissing scene), it kept moving along and it provided as much blood and guts as a hundred bucks will buy you. But I knew when I saw these women that they were not going to fulfill their B-movie destiny and get naked. They were too attractive. They looked too good for this movie. There was no way the filmmakers could afford to pay these women to disrobe and still have twenty dollars left over for blood effects.

So the filmmakers decided to forgo the expense of having naked vampire hookers in their vampire hooker movie and instead spent their money on cheap gore effects. This was the wrong call. Especially considering one of the vampire babes was a Playboy Playmate, (Serria Tawan). I'm sure she would have been fine with being all the vampire hooker she could be. Why did they hold her back?

While "Vampz" has some fun scenes and beautiful women to look at, it doesn't need to be seen. Although I can give it some points for filming near where my friend used to live. "Vampz" seemed to have been filmed all over Los Feliz, Silver Lake and Hollywood Blvd. There's one scene near a Rite -Aid that was shot near New Hampshire and Hollywood. I used to go there all the time. But then the movie goes back to fully clothed vampire hookers and I lose interest.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 seductive black women

"Samurai Princess" review

Samurai Princess (2009)
AKA Samurai purinsesu: Gedô-hime

Director: Kengo Kaji
Writers: Sôtarô Hayashi Kengo Kaji

Yû Aiba
Takeshi Ayabe
Miki Hirase
Mitsuru Karahashi
Asuka Kataoka
Aino Kishi
Mihiro

"Samurai Princess" starts off with a severed head rolling on the ground. This leads to a brief swordfight in which the Samurai Princess slices and dices an outlaw into little bits. Then his little bits end up in a boiling pot where his partners in crime unwittingly chow down on his remains. The Princess decides to kill the cretins by pulling out their brains and throwing a naked breast grenade at them. Of course she does. What else would a revenge-minded Mecha do? What's a Mecha you ask? A Mecha is some sort of Frankenstein replicant pieced together from body parts and lost souls. There is a mad artist roaming through this cheap movie looking for severed limbs that he can transform into humanoid monsters. He stumbles upon a girl who's been brutally raped and left for dead. She wants to live again so that she can thrash her attackers into oblivion. So with the convenient help of a Buddhist nun, the mad artist is able to bring his creation to life. This leads to much blood and guts as the Princess takes her revenge on humans and Mechas alike.

I had rented "Samurai Princess" because of its amazing plot summary. Allow me to quote it to you now. "When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades souls...". I made it as far as "adult video star" before deciding that this was the movie for me. I was excited by the exploitation movie possibilities a raped porno star turned robot assassin story could provide. Who wouldn't be?

But the actual film turns out to be a little disappointing. It would be hard to live up to its outrageous exploitative summary but I thought "Samurai Princess" would be a little more extreme than what it was. The movie turns out to be a series of randomly goofy gore scenes which make little to no sense. Mechas and Artists. Robots and Outlaws. What does it all mean?

"Samurai Princess" follows in the footsteps of another Asian action flick, "Machine Girl", in which women get their revenge on humanity by combining their body with machinery. The results can be devastating. Long live the new flesh. But "Samurai Princess" is so cheap and shoddy that they couldn't afford to waste money on anything other than blood and body parts. The mass rape scene is very tame and the porno star did not live up to the high standards I had set for her. You have to have standards. There is one sex scene but its fairly uneventful. The rest of the movie consists of Mechas, artists and outlaws doing battle for no other reason than to splash some blood on the screen.

"Samurai Princess" was made for the undiscerning gore lover. If you need to see an incoherent movie with some cut-rate gore, "Samurai Princess" might be the movie for you. As for me, "Samurai Princess" gave me some cheap thrills but it wasn't enough to satisfy me. I'm a discerning gore lover. I need a little more than Mechas throwing breast bombs at their enemies. I don't need much more mind you. Maybe a breast flame thrower. Now there's a movie. "Samurai Incinerator". Now we're talking sense.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Mecha mayhem

Mecha girl

Mecha's love brains.

"Trick 'r Treat" review

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

Director: Michael Dougherty
Writer: Michael Dougherty

Dylan Baker... Steven
Rochelle Aytes... Maria
Quinn Lord... Sam / Peeping Tommy
Lauren Lee Smith... Danielle
Moneca Delain... Janet
Isabelle Deluce... Sara
Anna Paquin... Laurie
Brian Cox... Mr. Kreeg
Leslie Bibb... Emma

It's Halloween and you better respect the traditions. "Trick 'r Treat" has four interwoven tales of murder and mayhem set in a small town on Halloween night. There's an elementary school principal who likes to give kids tricks instead of treats. Then there's four hot girls who want to throw a party in the woods with some willing victims. On the other side of town, a bunch of kids like telling ghost stories but they may see their nightmares come true. Finally there's an old man who disdains Halloween and meets a maniacal midget who has taken it upon himself to attack anyone who dares to insult his favorite holiday.

"Trick 'r Treat" continues the horror anthology movie tradition set by such films as "Creepshow" and "Tales from the Darkside". While I wouldn't say it was as good as "Creepshow", "Trick 'r Treat" turns out to be an enjoyable horror movie. I'm surprised that this didn't go to theaters. This would have been a perfect movie to release during Halloween. "Trick 'r Treat" gives Halloween the respect it deserves and provides horror fans with an entertaining horror flick.

Of course, there's not anything terribly original about "Trick 'r Treat". Most of these stories have been told in one form or another over the years. But "Trick 'r Treat" keeps the stories moving along as the town learns the importance of respecting the festival of Samuin. Did you know that pumpkin carving is linked to an ancient Celtic tradition? It was done so that pumpkins could be put in windows in order to ward off evil spirits. They believed that Samuin was the one day a year where the spirit world could pass through into our world. So they wore costumes and masks to ward off harmful ghosts.

It's this attention to Halloween details that the townspeople don't respect. They'll pay dearly for it. When the little sack-headed killer sees a woman blow out her pumpkin before Halloween is over, he shows her a few nasty tricks with his lollipop. Later he attacks a grumpy old man, (Brian Cox), after his contempt for Halloween becomes clear. The attack of the maniacal midget turns out to be the highlight of "Trick 'r Treat". It has the most blood and scares in the movie. The sack-headed killer is an angry little guy but I admire his dedication to his job.

The other tales of terror are fine but they don't pack as much of a shock as the mad midget story. The principal is a fiend with the kids, the visiting party girls are predictably hot and get into predictable trouble and the pranksters cause some havoc that comes back to haunt them. All of these stories play out to their obvious conclusion. They're fun but predictable horror stories.

Overall, "Trick 'r Treat" is a fun horror movie. It doesn't have excessive gore or blood but it has just enough to make it a worthwhile horror flick. I had a good time. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sack-headed killers
Red Riding Hood? Snow White? Little Bo Peep or Cinderella? Decisions, decisions.

"The Graves" review

The Graves (2009)

Director: Brian Pulido
Writer: Brian Pulido

Clare Grant... Megan Graves
Amanda Wyss... Darlene
Tony Todd... Reverend Abraham
Bill Moseley... Caleb
Jillian Murray... Abby Graves
Cathy Rankin... Valerie Mills
Patti Tindall... Becka Crane
Bill Lippincott... Dad
Brian Pulido... M. Mischief

Two hot sisters are into comic books and horror culture. The Graves make a great team cruising through comic book stores and driving the geeks crazy. They decide to have one more sister outing before they're torn apart. One of the Graves is going to college and her big sister wants to show her a good time before she goes. So naturally, they head for an abandoned ghost town. Of course they do. Unfortunately for the Graves girls, they've stepped into a mediocre horror film. Before you know it, killers are springing up all over the ghost town. They'll have to contend with a slow moving blacksmith, a freak in a pig nose and an outrageously hammy Reverend if they want to get out of town alive.

There's not much to get excited about over "The Graves". It truly defines the word mediocre. Everything happens exactly as you would expect. When the sisters arrive at the ghost town, you expect someone to chase them down. There's an evil blacksmith who wants to kill every tourist in sight. He starts to run after the girls but he's been eating too many cheeseburgers and starts wheezing after jogging for ten seconds. The Graves run circles around him and don't have much trouble dispatching him to blacksmith heaven. Although I was sure that someone was going to chase the girls through the ghost town, I didn't think he'd be this inept at stalking his prey. I was certain the movie was over at this point. I was wrong.

Just when you thought the Graves had survived the movie, along comes more trouble in the form of a pig-nosed freak. Seems like the blacksmith was his brother and now he wants to have his turn chasing hot babes through the desert. This leads to more mediocrity as the pig freak pounces on the hottest of the Graves, (Clare Grant), so he can bore her with his fantasies. The Graves use teamwork again to get out of their freak situation. I was relieved. The movie was finally over and I could get away from the Graves. I was wrong again.

Now the entire town chases after the Graves. Will this madness ever end? Reverend Tony Todd wants to sacrifice the sisters to appease some demon. This leads to an amazingly hammy performance by Reverend Todd as he summons the loud, screeching garbage demon. This leads to an even more amazingly mediocre fight which finally, mercifully ends the movie. The Graves can leave town and I can go to bed.

"The Graves" is a mediocre horror movie divided into three banal parts. The best thing you can say about it is that it's competently filmed. But since nothing scary or interesting happens on the Graves B-movie road trip, it's not worth watching. "The Graves" can be skipped.

One last thought, I have to mention the biggest letdown with "The Graves". It's the Graves themselves. The Graves do not get naked. This is a tragedy. Especially when you take the time to name your horror movie after the sisters and don't have the common decency to show us the Graves in all of their glory. I can't stress enough how important gratuitous nudity is to B-movies. A couple of shots of the Graves running topless through the desert could have saved this movie. Well maybe not but it would have at least provided one lively B-movie moment. As it is, "The Graves" is dead and buried.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Graves babes

"Dead Snow" review

Dead Snow (2009)

AKA Død snø

Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writers: Stig Frode Henriksen

Vegar Hoel... Martin
Stig Frode Henriksen ... Roy
Charlotte Frogner ... Hanna
Lasse Valdal ... Vegard
Evy Kasseth Røsten ... Liv
Jeppe Laursen ... Erlend

A bunch of medical students head to an isolated cabin for some fun in the snow. Dead snow that is. (Is snow ever alive? Hmmm...) As they frolic in the snow, evil lies in wait beneath the ice. One night some crazy old coot barges into their cabin to tell them a tale of Nazi greed and murder. The Nazi's used to run this mountaintop as their own private fortress and buried a fortune here. The geezer warns them to heed his insane rant or the Nazi's will get them. Sure enough a battalion of Nazi zombies spring up from the snow and attacks the medical students for disturbing their gold. The medical students run for their lives as the undead fascists chase them through the snow. Many Nazi's will die again before this vacation is over.

Nazi zombies. I just like writing that. Nazi zombies. Two of the most evil words in the world. Together at last! Actually, "Dead Snow" is not the first Nazi zombie movie but it is certainly the best. We can thank a bunch of Norwegian film geeks for getting together to make the best Nazi Zombie movie ever made on top of a snow covered mountain. Hands down. Furthermore, "Dead Snow" takes the prize as the best Norwegian zombie movie I've ever seen. And while we're at it, it also wins a prize as the only Norwegian movie I've ever seen. Cheers for Norway!

Of course, "Dead Snow" isn't really full of surprises. You hear the phrase Nazi zombies and you have a pretty good idea of what you should be getting. The good news is that "Dead Snow" delivers what you expect. Nazi zombies are mangled, butchered, crushed and destroyed. The snow will run red with their undead blood.

There are many movie references in "Dead Snow" and most of them are for "Evil Dead". The Nordic geeks who made this movie are clearly in love with 80's slasher movies and wanted to make their own version of one. All of those lovable slasher flick cliches are here. From the isolated cabin in the woods, to the girls who separate when they need each other the most, to the liberal use of chainsaws, all of the classic genre elements are on display.

The Nazi zombies look great in their rotting black uniforms set against the white snow. But my one complaint about the movie is that it didn't really exploit the fact that the zombies were Nazi's. Other than looking good in their German uniforms, they didn't commit any evil you would associate with the Nazis. When I think of Nazi evil, I'm thinking of the obscene decadence that comes with attempting to have total control over others. But in "Dead Snow", the Nazi's zombie side had taken over and all they wanted to do was eat the student's guts.

But "Dead Snow" is still a fun Nazi Zombie movie. It's constructed out of many different 80's horror movie cliches and manages to bring them together very well. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Nazi zombies

"Book of Blood" review

Book of Blood (2009)

Director: John Harrison
Writers: John Harrison Darin Silverman

Jonas Armstrong ... Simon McNeal
Sophie Ward ... Mary Florescu
Clive Russell ... Wyburd
Paul Blair ... Reg Fuller
Romana Abercromby ... Janie
Simon Bamford ... Derek
James Watson ... Jimmy

A guy with hideous scars is wearing a book of blood and a collector wants his skin. Once the hired assassin catches up to his victim, he gives him one last chance to tell his story. The guy spins a tale of ghosts, possessed houses, paranormal activity and highways of the dead. His professor thinks she noticed something special about him and invites him to be part of her experiment. She is investigating a house where a hideous murder happened. She's convinced that the house is haunted and that her student can act as a psychic medium to the dead inhabitants. After long, drawn out sequences where nothing interesting happens, the dead finally make an appearance and want to sign their names on the student's blood soaked skin.

"Book of Blood" clearly shows the challenges of adapting a short story into a movie. They didn't have enough story to justify a movie so they've padded it out with banal dialogue scenes. That way the viewer can be really bored by the time something interesting happens. The first and last fifteen minutes of "Book of Blood" are entertaining. The rest of the movie plods along quietly as your mind wanders onto other topics. Like, why did they pick this Clive Barker story to adapt?

I read "Book of Blood" awhile ago and I remember liking it. I didn't remember a lot of the details but I was interested in seeing this adaptation. Now I can tell you that the filmmakers picked the wrong Clive Barker tale. Not much happens in "Book of Blood". It's filmed in dark, grey colors which gives the movie a dreary look and feel. It's dour and depressing. The ghost hunters shack up in an abandoned house waiting for something interesting to happen. I was waiting too but the ghosts took the long way home. By the time they started writing their stories on his skin, I was completely bored with this movie.

Still, there are some decent scenes to enjoy. My favorite scenes being Sophie Ward commencing on a forbidden love affair with her younger student. There's a great scene where Sophie tries to help her insomniac student get some sleep by using her healing hands. Sophie also a short sex scene with her eager pupil which was pleasant enough. These scenes were very necessary for the movie as there wasn't anything else to do inside the house. Thank you Sophie Ward for saving this movie from oblivion.

"Book of Blood" has some decent gore scenes, a few good Sophie Ward erotic moments and not much else. It takes too long to get to the point and by the time it does you'll be wishing you were watching another Clive Barker movie. Where were the Cenobites when I needed them? It's filmed competently enough but there's not enough horror or suspense to warrant a viewing. It can be skipped.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 books of blood

"The Descent: Part 2" review

The Descent: Part 2 (2009)

Director: Jon Harris
Writers: J Blakeson James McCarthy

Michael J. Reynolds ... Ed Oswald
Shauna Macdonald ... Sarah
Jessika Williams ... Susanna Small
Douglas Hodge ... Dan
Joshua Dallas ... Greg
Anna Skellern ... Cath
Gavan O'Herlihy ... Vaines
Krysten Cummings... Rios
Doug Ballard ... Dr. Roger Payne
Josh Cole ... Lynch
Saskia Mulder ... Rebecca
Natalie Jackson Mendoza ... Juno (as Natalie Mendoza)

The one survivor from the first "Descent" flick gets thrown back down the shaft. Since she can't seem to recall what happened to her friends, the sheriff decides to force her back into the caves to look for them. There could be survivors! The rescue team decides to skip any strenuous rock climbing and instead takes the express elevator to the bottom. That way they can die faster. The blind CHUDS of the Appalachians are waiting for more meat to enter their lair. They get very excited when their latest dinner course arrives. The rest of the movie has the rescue party needing to get rescued as the CHUDS pounce on them from every angle.

The original "Descent" was a great horror movie. It was one of the few recent horror flicks that actually scared me. Well, it made me jump a few times anyway. Now along comes "Descent Part 2". It has more gore, more monsters and more action. The filmmakers took all of the exploitation elements from the first movie and focused their efforts on providing more, more, more of them. I applaud the filmmakers with their dedication to the art of horror exploitation. Bravo!

So clearly, "Descent 2" is a must see. I loved it. It is one of the best straight to DVD movies I've seen. They have ditched the tension and dark claustrophobia of the first movie in order to provide the viewer with well lit scenes of carnage and mayhem. Where did the extra light come from in an abandoned cave? Who cares?! If you are worrying about little things like that, you don't need to spend your time watching horror movies.

Once the monsters make their first appearance, the movie becomes a series of survival of the fittest scenes. Since these people are trapped in a horror movie, you have a pretty good idea on who is going to survive. The monsters love to go for the jugular. There are many gushing neck wounds in "Descent 2". For the humans, the pickaxe becomes a favorite weapon to dispatch CHUD's to their graves. There are many fine gore scenes to enjoy in "Descent 2". My personal favorite was watching a girl's corpse shake from having one too many rats eat her guts. This was a particularly nasty scene which set the tone for the rest of the movie.

"Descent 2" is a very good horror movie. Gory, exciting and fun. It is definitely worth a look.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 CHUD munchers

"The Collector" review

The Collector (2009)

Director: Marcus Dunstan
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Josh Stewart ... Arkin
Michael Reilly Burke ... Michael Chase
Andrea Roth ... Victoria Chase
Juan Fernández ... The Collector
Karley Scott Collins ... Hannah Chase
Daniella Alonso ... Lisa
Haley Pullos ... Cindy (as Haley Alexis Pullos)
Jayme Suzonne Riser ... Bar Dancer
Krystal Mayo ... Bar Dancer (as Krystal Dawn Mayo)

A thief needs to find a way to pay off a debt to his ex-wife. When his new employers go out of town, he jumps at the chance to break into their house. He thinks he's concocted the perfect crime. Unfortunately another criminal is already hard at work inside the house. The Collector has staked a claim on the house and anyone in it. The thief didn't count on a serial killer hanging out in the basement but these are the occupational hazards of burglary. The Collector has seen all of the "Saw" movies and lays out many nasty traps to keep anyone from escaping. The thief must decide whether or not to save his own skin or try to save the family, (that he just met and is stealing from), by matching wits with a vicious psychopath.

"The Collector" is a solid horror movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It is mean, vicious and nasty. Just as any good horror movie should be. The filmmakers must have had a list of traps lying around that got rejected from the "Saw" movies and decided that they were too good for the world not to see. They were right. For what says entertainment more than leaving a pile of bear traps on the floor so that some poor body can get mangled by them?

Oh sure, you could make a lot of trivial criticisms against the amazing lack of logic on display here. Like, how could the Collector possibly find the time to set up all of these traps? Why would a burglar care about a family he's stealing from? And why in the world would he actually go back to the house after he has escaped? My friend, if these questions affect your enjoyment of this movie, you don't want to watch B-movies.

For "The Collector" is most assuredly a B-movie and a very good one at that. It manages to keep its heavy horror tone from beginning to end. This was a relief for me as I have become a little tired of seeing horror movies with teens acting obnoxious and then getting slaughtered. "The Collector" has a simple plot which quickly propels the story into the house of horrors.

And I love that it's told from the point of view of the thief. Normally you would expect a horror story to be told from the victim's point of view but here the story is really told from the voyeurs side. The thief could have easily listened to their screams and been on his way. But when the thief tries to stop all of the obscene torture he sees, he'll wish he had stayed true to his nature and continued being a reluctant voyeur.

"The Collector" is a ghoulish horror flick that delights in showing torture in graphic detail. It also enjoys not explaining any of the motivations of the Collector. But when you're watching a horror movie, do you really need to know the motivation of the monster? All you need to know is that they enjoy inflicting pain and suffering and must be destroyed. The Collector might just live on to torture again. That's fine with me. "The Collector" is definitely worth a look.

One last thought, I must mention how much I enjoyed the strip club scene. It's shot in dark red and blue mood lighting. I must have watched this scene a dozen times. It uses the Depeche Mode song "I Feel You" for the soundtrack as the thief makes his way through the club. There was something about the stripper arching her back while smoking under red lights that drove me insane. Not insane enough to collect her mind you, but it's these kinds of subtly sleazy scenes that I cherish.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 collectors

"Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever" review

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

Director: Ti West
Writers: Joshua Malkin Randy Pearlstein

Rider Strong ... Paul
Noah Segan ... John
Alexander Isaiah Thomas ... Dane
Giuseppe Andrews ... Winston
Alexi Wasser ... Cassie
Regan Deal ... Liz
Michael Bowen ... Principal Sinclair
Amanda Jelks ... Frederica
Angela Oberer ... Ms. Hawker
Lindsey Axelsson ... Sandy
Lila Lucchetti ... Karen
Andrea Powell ... Lucille

Bottled water brings the plague to the high school prom. The deadly disease, (was it ever given a name?), returns from the first movie to wreck havoc during the most important night of these teenagers short lives. The teenage characters in this movie run the gauntlet of teenage character cliches. There's a horny fat guy, a nice guy who likes a nice girl who's dating a jerk, a promiscuous girl who spreads the disease faster than contaminated bottled water and a host of other forgettable characters. And then there's the only connection to the first movie, the whiney, gutless deputy who runs from any sort of law enforcement duty. They'll all have to deal with the moral dilemma of either trying to survive or attempting to save their disease-ridden friends.

Healthy teens consume tainted water and die. That pretty much sums up "Cabin Fever 2". There's not a cabin in sight in "Cabin Fever 2". There isn't even any kind of fever. The filmmakers clearly felt the tension created from your body slowly rotting away was too drawn out and dull for their tastes. Now the disease kills you right away so we don't have to wait long for the victims to cough up their guts. Their sequel plan was simple. Less cabins! More gore! Teens love watching other teens die horribly. If you love watching teenager puke out blood, this is the movie you've been waiting for.

I suppose you could choose to believe that there are characters in this movie but it would be more beneficial just to think of them as future skin disease victims. "Cabin Fever 2" starts off by introducing a couple of typical teens getting ready for their prom. That way it'll be helpful later on so we can identify their corpses. All of the cliches end up at the prom and die as any good prom cliches should die. They drink the spiked punch. Never drink the punch at the prom. Especially punch that has been used as a toilet by infected cretins.

But then again, the prom scene is the best part of "Cabin Fever 2". The government gets actively involved in preventing the disease from spreading and locks the high school down. This allows the filmmakers to showcase their skills in staging a prom massacre scene. Blood flies in all directions as teen after teen coughs up blood. A few manage to get away only to end up coughing up blood in other rooms. There is plenty of blood and guts spilled as the teens try to escape the wrath of a vengeful social disease.

"Cabin Fever 2" is a brainless sequel filled with carnage and mayhem. It actually poses an interesting question. What is the appeal of these movies? Is a cabin necessary to make a "Cabin Fever" sequel? Is watching people die of a skin disease enough of an enticement for entertainment? The filmmakers clearly believed that having victims march off to a remote cabin was superfluous to their plans as it would only delay the inevitable. They had gallons of blood to spill and didn't want to waste time doing it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bloody proms