"Female Vampire" review

Female Vampire (1973)

Director: Jesus Franco
Writers: Gérard Brisseau Jesus Franco

Lina Romay... Countess Irina Karlstein
Jack Taylor... Baron Von Rathony
Alice Arno... Irina´s servant
Monica Swinn... Princess de Rochefort
Jesus Franco... Dr. Roberts

I rented "Female Vampire" after a reader recommended it to me. We were discussing the merits of Lina Romay in a Jess Franco disaster called "Lust for Frankenstein" and he insisted that I had to see this movie to understand the Romay sex appeal. In his words, "When miss romay was a quite astonishing 18 year old sexual dream come true, we will find yet another unwatchable jess franco abomination in which she appeared namely "the female vampire". Well actually it would be totally unwatchable if not for the astounding lina romay at her absolute peak, she is naked for most of the film, and with franco zooming in on her incredible arse and twat for long periods in the film it becomes one of the greatest masturbation aids of all time." This is a ringing endorsement. The only other Romay movie I've seen was "Ilsa, the Wicked Warden" which was a great smorgasbord of sleaze but Lina wasn't the reason I loved it. "Female Vampire" needed to be seen.

Lina Romay is a mute vampire who gives people oral sex until they die. Of course she does. Franco decides to get right to it and has Lina strolling through the woods naked in the first five seconds of the movie. She then runs into a guy and proceeds to give him some Romay head until he croaks. That pretty much sums up the movie. Some other people bump into Romay and she sucks the life out of them through their genitals.

Lina Romay is naked through most of the movie and has some extended scenes where she rolls around on a bed so we can soak in every nook and cranny of her beautiful body. My reader was right about Lina being a sight for sore eyes in "Female Vampire". In fact if she wasn't in this movie, I think I would have tossed the DVD across the room.

"Female Vampire" is a pretty boring flick. I saw the 110 minutes version and I couldn't wait for it to end after the 45 minute mark. After I saw Romay roll around naked on top of her dead lesbian lover, I knew I had reached the sleaze peak. There was nowhere to go but down. Romay continues down the path of getting people naked and sucking their life essence from their crotch. But if you've seen one crotch sucking scene, you've seen them all.

And for a director who loves to zoom in on female body parts, you'd think Franco would have learned how to zoom in without the camera going out of focus. There are many instances where Franco thinks he's spotted something interesting going on and zooms in only to give the viewer a headache with some blurry shots of naked Romay and friends. Of course, complaining about incompetence in a Franco movie is like cursing the sky for being blue but it's astonishing how much this guy didn't learn from making all these movies.

Lina Romay is the kind of actress that is perfect for exploitation movies. She's got a great body, she's not shy about getting naked and is pretty much up for whatever depravity the filmmakers, (Franco mostly), feels like filming. As far as "Female Vampire" is concerned, she is the only reason to watch it. If you need some prime Lina in your life, it may be worth watching once.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 lusty Linas

"Mirrors" review

Mirrors (2008)

Director: Alexandre Aja
Writers: Alexandre Aja Grégory Levasseur

Kiefer Sutherland ... Ben Carson
Paula Patton ... Amy Carson
Cameron Boyce ... Michael Carson
Erica Gluck ... Daisy Carson
Amy Smart ... Angela Carson

So I met my friends over in the Bank to see "Mirrors". That's Burbank if you want to be official. Ah Burbank. City of Lights. Adventure. Excitement. Chipotle! Before seeing any movie in Burbank, it's important that you hit up the delicacy known as Chipotle. That way even if the movie is a disaster, at least the burrito will be great. And do yourself a favor and get a burrito bowl. That's the way a man would eat it.

After a delicious meal we decided that we still had time to have a beer or two before "Mirrors" started. I had heard nothing but really good things about this movie, (note heavy sarcastic tone), and I knew we might need some alcohol to make the movie that much better. We strolled into a barbecue restaurant and ordered a shot of Jameson and a beer. We debated the merits of "24" and why the last season was awful. We were curious to see if Kiefer was going to have a different persona than the mighty Jack Bauer or if he was going to be channeling his CTU agent into fighting deadly haunted mirrors. We drank our shots and walked back to the theater.

In another stroke of luck, my trustworthy plus one was able to get us passes into the movie. "Mirrors" for free? This night is getting better and better! I had a burrito bowl, chugged some beer and now I get to watch a horror movie for free? "Mirrors" was off to a good start. The good times didn't keep rolling for long.

So the mirrors are haunted. Jack Bauer takes a summer job as a nervous security guard who watches over an entire building filled with evil mirrors. He starts to show signs of insanity and yet this doesn't prevent him from clocking in at his rotten haunted mirror watching job every night. Amy Smart shows up as his concerned sister long enough for us to watch her get topless and die horribly. At least she knew what she was doing in this movie. Soon Bauer will call Chloe and get the schematics of the building downloaded to his PDA because they're running out of time. Dammit!

Oh wait, that was another show. I'm getting confused. I think Keifer was confused too because every time he looked into the mirror, he saw Jack Bauer. Even the way Keifer's character held a gun was exactly the same as Bauer. I would say that Keifer was miscast but then that would imply that this movie should have been cast at all.

It's a good thing I was a little inebriated while watching "Mirrors" because I think I would have walked out on this one. Haunted mirrors is not a good idea for a horror movie. Especially when there's nothing waiting on the other side of the glass except some ambiguous spirits who can pretty much kill you any way they want. "Candyman" showed us that haunted mirrors are a good starting point for a horror flick but shouldn't be used as the basis for the whole movie.

"Mirrors" is the kind of movie that makes up new rules for what the mirrors can or can't do as it goes along. One second Smart tears her jaw open because she stared into the mirror, (mirrors hate that), and the next we see that water is also filled with mirrors and you can drown in your own reflection. Bauer gets on the case and starts to piece together the convoluted mystery behind the mirrors and no one cares. Just break the mirrors already will you? It all ends in crashing glass and bellowing Bauers as you wonder why you sat around for this when you could have been drinking some quality beer.

So plan your next movie night in the Bank with some Chipotle and beer but be sure to skip "Mirrors". There's got to be something better to watch than Bauer battling glass. Dammit!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 reflections of Bauer

"AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem" review

AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)

Directors:Colin Strause Greg Strause
Writers: Shane Salerno Dan O'Bannon

Steven Pasquale... Dallas Howard
Reiko Aylesworth... Kelly O'Brien
John Ortiz... Sheriff Eddie Morales
Johnny Lewis... Ricky Howard
Ariel Gade... Molly O'Brien
Kristen Hager... Jesse
Sam Trammell... Tim O'Brien
Tom Woodruff Jr.... Alien / Predalien
Ian Whyte... Predator
Chelah Horsdal... Darcy Benson

After watching "Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem" I was left with a disturbing question rattling around my brain. It's something I would have never thought possible but after seeing two "AvP" movies I'm forced to ask it: Is having Aliens do battle with Predators a bad idea for a movie? It saddens me that I have to think that but the filmmakers have shown us that they really don't know what to do with these two monster icons except put them through the paces of another generic B-movie.

So aliens land on Earth and proceed to kill people. A Predator back at home base starts noticing the carnage and gets jealous. He decides to take the scenic route to Earth so that the viewers can get treated to a parade of the most mind numbingly banal characters to ever grace a monster movie. By the time the Predator showed up, I couldn't wait for these worthless jerks to get ripped to shreds. After much debate on how to ruin the movie further, the filmmakers decided to pack a lot of the action in dark, rainy spots just to make sure that you don't actually see anything. The final Alien vs Predator smack down ends in a blur of tight close ups to keep the action from getting too exciting.

"AvPR" is a pretty forgettable experience. I know this because I watched it and I can barely remember it. There were some bloody spots in a hospital as the Predator/Alien hybrid wants to go to town on some pregnant women and another scene where a young boy gets the facehugger alien treatment. So that's good. But "AvPR" ends up being a fairly depressing experience. If you have any love for "Aliens" or "Predator", you'll inevitably be let down by this unimaginative waste of time. "AvPR" runs through the B-movie playbook and delivers some blood and guts but fails to bring anything original or exciting to these two movie monster legends.

However, I'm not convinced that Aliens fighting Predators is a bad idea for a movie. What's my idea you say? Glad you asked! If you were going to do this kind of insanity, you'd have to go all the way. Since no one cares about the humans in these movies, toss them overboard. Have Aliens fighting Predators be the whole movie. I'm talking subtitles on the Predators as they discuss strategy for blasting Aliens into little pieces. Let "Apocalypto" show us the way. You don't need the same boring characters infesting every stinking horror/action movie. Let the monsters be the star and it can't lose!

The other "AvP" idea would be to go completely hog wild and have it be an insane action movie for those who can't get enough of watching an action hero blast his way through piles of alien guts. Send in a Chuck Norris clone to lay waste to the entire Predator planet and have him get caught up in their war. Either way, the movie should be set in outer space with alien body parts flying in all directions.

But since no one seems to care about these two monsters I suspect we may have seen the last of them for awhile. I will keep hoping that someday they get the monster movie treatment they deserve. "AvPR" wasn't it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 dark and stormy monsters

"An Erotic Werewolf in London" review

An Erotic Werewolf in London (2006)

Director: William Hellfire

Misty Mundae ... Misty
Anoushka ... Anoushka the Werewolf
Darian Caine ... Nurse Nancy
Julian Wells ... Nurse Carla
Zoe Moonshine ... Zoe the Reporter
Ruby Larocca ... Ruby (as Ruby LaRocca)
Linda Murray ... Anoushka's Neighbor

Ahh, "The Erotic Werewolf in London". Truly, an important film. A film that needs to be thoroughly analyzed for it's immense contribution to cinema. Oh wait, did I say film? Because I meant garbage. Oh man, what a stinker. Something smells rotten and I think it's this movie. I can't put my finger on when the movie fell apart but it was somewhere around the time I hit the play button. Oh yeah, that was it. Now I remember. SINGING: Memories...Misty, (Mundae), water colored memories...of the way this movie stinks...

Of course one would be foolish to expect anything else from a movie called the "Erotic Werewolf in London". I've been known to be foolish and I was expecting a little more. Not that I'm upset that the movie was a pathetic joke mind you. At this point I expect this level of quality, (low), from the Seduction Cinema people. But the fact that they have been sitting on this movie for years, (That's years. Years! It takes them this long to hatch a rotten egg?), leaves me vaguely offended at the level of contempt they show for B-movie making. What kind of tinkering are the mad Seduction scientists doing in their lesbian laboratory? Hmmm... "Igor! Dig up some more hot babes! What does it have to do with werewolves? What kind of stupid question is that you insolent worm?! Screw the werewolf! Bring on the cheap sex! MOO-HA-HA!"

So a bunch of Seduction babes got together for some random sex scenes. Years later the filmmakers decided to pretend they care by stapling the movie together and shoving it in a DVD box. There was something about a werewolf but I lost interest in the movie as quickly as the director did. Here's what I remember: Misty Mundae gets bit by Anoushka after some sapphic action and proceeds to sloooowly turn into a semblance of a werewolf. Julian Wells and Darian Caine show up for some half hearted sex scenes with Misty Werewolf. Then there's a British reporter checking on werewolf stories and some other stuff and ahh who cares?

As pathetic as this movie is, I can still find two good things to say about it. One, there were a lot of naked women in it which saves it from the landfill. Two, the sex scene between Anoushka and Mundae at the beginning was pretty good so that scores it a point and a half. But that's all the praise I can muster for this one. If you get this movie for any reason other than the Anoushka/Mundae coupling at the beginning, you'll be using the DVD for target practice. They even had yet another sex scene between Julian Wells and Mundae and managed to blow it. The Mundae/Wells sex scenes are probably the best thing about Seduction Cinema. (For a truly satisfying night with Julian, get "The Seduction of Misty Mundae" I can't praise that movie enough.) As far as "Erotic Werewolf in London", it's a waste of sweet Julian.

Maybe that's what bums me out more than anything. According to the IMDb, this appears to be the last hurrah for Ms. Julian Wells and her lesbian adventures. I wanted to go out with a better one than this flea bitten mutt of a movie but it was not to be. Oh well. We had some good times. SINGING: Memories, Misty (Mundae) water colored memories, of Misty kissing Julian...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 werebabes

And here's my ode to Julian Wells. She has helped me be a better reviewer. Seriously. It's the B-movie babes that keep me going and she was one of the best. She has inspired me to keep writing reviews of B-movies. Thanks for being in so many of them. We had some laughs. Well, at least I did. Here's my montage of Julian.

Ahh, Julian and Misty. Truly a great sight to behold. The highlight of many a dire Seduction Cinema flick.

See what I mean?

Mmm mmm good. "The Seduction of Misty Mundae" represents everything that is good in softcore cinema. A must see.Julian As Aunt Inga. I only wish she was called Aunt Ilsa.
Julian put her long legs to good effect in "Sexy American Idle". She was fairly amusing in this one.Speaking of legs, there was plenty of feet action in "Pleasures of a Woman". One of Julian's kinkier movies. There's is also a decent sex scene with Syn De Vil in this one. Julian showed up as Dr. Babe in "Shock-O-Rama". Yes, she will let down her hair and take off her glasses at some point. Some point real soon...Another hot doctor for Julian was in "Dr Jeckyl and Mistress Hyde". One of her better Misty make out movies.

Julian as the sleazy gold digger in "Skin Crawl". A decent B-flick about skin and crawling and grown women in school girl outfits.

Julian brought her super babe power to "Spiderbabe". And I mean power! WOO-HOO!
Julian and Misty. Real power. As close to a sure bet for a good time as there is. We had some fun. Well, at least I did.

"The Signal" review

The Signal (2007)

Directors: David Bruckner Dan Bush Jacob Gentry
Writers: David Bruckner Jacob Gentry Dan Bush

Anessa Ramsey ... Mya Denton
Sahr Ngaujah ... Rod (as Sahr Nguajah)
AJ Bowen ... Lewis Denton
Matthew Stanton ... Jerry (as Matt Stanton)
Suehyla El-Attar ... Janice
Justin Welborn... Ben Capstone
Cheri Christian ... Anna

A woman tries to escape her psychotic husband and is pursued throughout the city by him and her lover. The story is told in three parts with each having a different tone for the signal induced mayhem. The movie starts off with her running for her life from many “crazy” people. Then the movie shifts gears into an apartment where a party was going to be held but was ruined by all the mass murdering shenanigans going on. The last part leads up to the final showdown to see who the signal will destroy.“The Signal” is about the end of the world. It all starts with a sleazy B-movie playing on TV which emits homicidal signals into people’s minds to kill, kill, kill! I always knew these movies would destroy all life on Earth someday. Their power cannot be underestimated. Soon the signals start emitting from every electronic device, (phones, radios, etc), just in case some people don’t watch B-movies.

The signal affects some people differently than others. Most give into their rage and paranoia while others try to hold onto their sanity. “The Signal” leaves you with a few questions. Like how can you live in a media saturated world and not go insane? What possible escape is there from the signal when we rely on electronic devices for everything we do? And why did it take three directors to make this movie?

I’m not sure of the back story behind “The Signal” but there must be a good reason, (I hope), that this movie needed three directors. In any other movie having multiple directors is the sign that the film has spun out of control and something is rotten. But “The Signal” does this deliberately although how it really benefited the movie I can’t be completely sure. The first part plays as a straight horror film which keeps zipping right along. Then the movie morphs into a gory comedy in the second section as the violence starts getting played for laughs, (Bug spray in the eyes? HAHAHA!). The final section teeters back and forth between horror and laughs with plenty of bloody scenes.

I found the changing tones effect to be a little jarring but it actually works well with this kind of movie. “The Signal” tries to keep an atmosphere of signal induced madness alive and it succeeds. Each section shifts focus onto another character and the tone changes with them. I had a good time keeping up with the crazies. It’s worth checking out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 signals

"The Strangers" review

The Strangers (2008)

Director: Bryan Bertino
Writer: Bryan Bertino

Alex Fisher ... Mormon Boy #1
Peter Clayton-Luce ... Mormon Boy #2
Scott Speedman ... James Hoyt
Liv Tyler ... Kristen McKay
Gemma Ward ... Dollface
Kip Weeks ... The Man in the Mask
Laura Margolis ... Pin-Up Girl
Glenn Howerton ... Mike

Liv Tyler and her boyfriend head to an isolated house to have a romantic getaway. Unfortunately for them, they are being stalked by three masked freaks. They saw that Liv was going through some tense times with her boyfriend and graciously decided to put them out of their misery. For some strange reason, the boyfriend doesn’t get overly alarmed at the sight of a masked woman standing in the front yard at 4AM. Liv tries to warn him that this behavior is not normal but he just can’t believe that he’s a pawn in a horror movie. His skepticism may doom them both.
“The Strangers” is an exercise in bare minimum horror filmmaking. It feels like it was made to fulfill an assignment in Directing 101 class. This movie rolls out all of the possible scare scenes you could have in a movie about three psychos stalking your house. Loud banging on doors? Check. Creepy music playing as you’re trying to hide? Check. Objects moved when you reenter a room to denote that the killer is toying with you? Check. And of course, a couple of scenes of the killer slowly creeping up behind you? Oh yeah.

So on a technical level, “The Strangers” works very well. If I was his professor at Horror movie university, I would give the director an A. But do all of these little scare scenes add up to a good horror flick? Going into this movie, I pretty much knew what to expect. The joy in watching horror movies, no matter how predictable they may seem, comes from being shocked by what tricks the filmmakers can whip out to surprise even the most jaded of horror fans. “The Strangers” did not surprise me.

There was a lot of effort put into making the soundtrack, (banging doors, broken glass, screaming, etc), be as scary as possible. It’s too bad the story didn’t throw any twists to make the plight of the doomed couple more interesting. By about the third scene of a masked freak sneaking up on somebody, I was ready for someone to get killed. The freaks weren’t just toying with the couple; they were toying with the audience as well. “The Strangers” has some good scare scenes but overall there was too much buildup and not enough payoff. There's only so much teasing I can take from psychotic masked women. Sooner or later, you've got to introduce yourself and not be such a stranger.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 stalking strangers

"Werewolf in a Women's Prison" review

Werewolf in a Women's Prison (2006)

Director: Jeff Leroy
Writers: Vinnie Bilancio Jeff Leroy

Yurizan Beltrán ... Kelly
Vinnie Bilancio ... Jack
Al Burke ... Badger
Victoria De Mare ... Sarah Ragdale
Eva Derrek ... Rachel
Phoebe Dollar ... Maria
Meredith Giangrande ... Angel
Sindy Lange ... BB
Tamara Melnyk ... Female Prisoner
Tai Chan Ngo ... Werewolf
Jackeline Olivier ... Rita
Bernadette Perez ... Serina
Jed Rowen ... Julio
Natalie Stone ... Robin
Kristen Zaik ... Crystal

An innocent girl is thrown into prison for murder. A werewolf butchered her boyfriend and left her with a cursed bite mark. Once she is inside the cheapest women’s prison in the world, her bloodlust starts boiling. Her body starts convulsing at all of the blatant exploitation raging all around her. She transforms into a werewolf and destroys anything she can get her paws on. The warden and his dominatrix sidekick decide to make a few bucks off of her hairy body. They sell admission to watch her transform into a beast. But when the monster wants to eat, nothing is going to stop her from rampaging.

“Werewolf in a Women’s Prison” is a great B-movie. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There are plenty of exploitation scenes to revel in. After the werebabe has been at the prison awhile, a double shot of sleazy scenes start to make her transform. It’s not the full moon that controls this beast. It’s B-sleaze that drives her crazy. One scene has her friend getting molested by some old guy. As this is going on, two women in cellblock 69 get naked and start making out.(Important side note: One of the women in this sex scene had great floppy breasts. My God, I loved it. Breasts weren’t meant to defy gravity. She was a fine all natural inmate. But I digress). This overdose of B-movie mania unleashes the monster within and she rips and tears through many hapless inmates.

After the werewolf carnage had subsided, I became slightly saddened. The werewolf had eaten over half the cast, (including my beloved floppy breasted beauty), and the movie had run only about 40 minutes or so. Luckily, the filmmakers realized they needed some more victims so they hauled in a fresh batch of inmates. The movie ends with the werewolf letting the prisoners know how she feels about being exploited. Blood and guts spill in large proportions.

“Werewolf in a Women’s Prison” is tailor made for sleaze movie fans. It fits so well. It jumps right into one exploitation scene after another. It’s all done in the name of cheap bloody fun. And I haven’t even mentioned the sweat drinking scene. I won’t spoil it but let’s just say it’s another gratuitous B-movie moment. “Werewolf in a Women’s Prison” is well worth checking out.

One last thought. There was only one crucial scene missing from this women’s prison movie. Where was the mass prisoner shower scene? I was hoping the werewolf was going to show up and start soaping a prisoner’s back. Then the beast would run wild through the shower eating as many naked inmates as possible. The filmmakers probably couldn’t risk getting the werewolf costume wet since it was a rental. They couldn’t afford to blow the $20 deposit getting his fur steam cleaned. Still, the mass shower scene is a staple of the women in prison movie. Of course, when I say mass shower scene, I truly mean the mass nudity scene in a shower is a staple of these movies. And a fine staple it is.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 werewolves in a stripper's prison

The girls all the werewolves want.

"Mother of Tears" review

Mother of Tears (2007)
AKA Terza madre, La

Director: Dario Argento
Writers: Jace Anderson Dario Argento

Asia Argento... Sarah Mandy
Cristian Solimeno... Detective Enzo Marchi
Adam James... Michael Pierce
Moran Atias... Mater Lachrymarum
Valeria Cavalli... Marta Colussi
Daria Nicolodi... Elisa Mandy
Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni... Giselle Mares
Udo Kier... Padre Johannes

The Third Mother is loose and wants to do battle with Asia Argento. The Mother of Tears is the meanest witch and wants to bring death and destruction wherever she goes. Asia is the confused art student who unknowingly opens an ancient box which releases the malevolent spirit of the Mother of Tears and her equally evil pet monkey. All witches have monkeys you know. Asia tries to run away but there is no escape since the entire city of Rome is falling down around her. Many people try to help Asia discover her hidden witchy ways but they usually end up dying horribly. Soon Asia will decide to quit stalling and get this movie going by tracking down the Mother of Tears on her own. I can’t say I ‘m a huge Dario Argento fan so my expectations weren’t too high going into this movie. I really liked “Suspiria” and “Opera” but the other Argento flicks I saw didn’t excite me too much. But I can see why people enjoy his film-making style.

So as a Dario Argento movie, “Mother of Tears” is lacking. I was expecting more of his patented over the top excesses. None of the scenes in “Mother of Tears” really stand out as impressive. It plays as a straight horror flick with generous helpings of gore. If you are a fan of Argento, it’s possible you’ll hate this movie.

But as a sleazy B-movie, “Mother of Tears” is pretty good. The gore scenes do not disappoint. Many heads, arms and intestines are ripped apart with maniacal glee. There is also a generous helping of nudity as the Third Mother and her coven like to get topless. Asia also manages to make friends with a lesbian couple who don’t let little details like evil witches about to kill them spoil their lovemaking.

The pacing in “Mother of Tears” is what starts to drag it down. The movie lurches back and forth in stops and starts. One minute some fool will be droning on about the legend of the Three Mothers and the next they’ll be hacked to death. I was really hoping the movie would kick into gear but it never did. Asia should have accepted her destiny as a horror movie heroine sooner and attacked the coven. For some inexplicable reason the movie kept slowing down to talk when it should have been going for full tilt carnage.

But overall, “Mother of Tears” has a sufficient helping of exploitation to make it worth checking out. I’m more of an Asia Argento fan myself so I got my money’s worth. There were enough gory moments here to satisfy my B-movie blood lust. I had a good time.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 blood lusting witches

And one more Asia Argento pic for the road.

OK, two more.

"Doomsday" review

Doomsday (2008)

Director: Neil Marshall
Writer: Neil Marshall

Adeola Ariyo ... Nurse
Emma Cleasby ... Katherine Sinclair
Christine Tomlinson ... Young Eden Sinclair
Vernon Willemse ... David / Gimp
Nathan Wheatley ... Patient "X"
Rhona Mitra ... Maj. Eden Sinclair

The Reaper virus is sweeping across Great Britain. The authorities decide to set up a quarantine zone where the infected can die off at their leisure. Years later, the virus resurfaces to lay waste to the population again. This time the government does the responsible thing and sends a babe with big guns into the hot zone. She’s searching for the cure among the wastelands. She will have to be a Road Warrior while she Escapes from New York, I mean the hot zone. But she can’t wait 28 Days Later to run away. She needs to leave these Streets of Fire before the Warriors get her.The word that kept ringing in my brain after I finished watching “Doomsday” was “derivative”. Not only did I feel like I’d seen this movie before, I got the feeling I had seen this movie many times before in different forms. “Doomsday” goes beyond mere homage. This is out right highway robbery. The director took all of the 80’s movies that inspired him, threw them in the blender and gorged himself on this bloated cocktail of blood and guts.

It’s hard to love “Doomsday” as you know every action scene is lifted from a better movie. But if you’re a B-movie freak, it’s also hard not to get a kick out of all the slobbering love for extreme violence on display here. One mans excess can be another mans treasure.

There are certain movie rules I live by. Like any movie with a decapitation has to be good on some level. Heads and other important body parts fly all over “Doomsday”. There is plenty of gratuitous violence as the head babe, (Linda Hamilton, I mean Rhona Mitra), blasts her way through the wastelands looking for the cure. When she got to the castle and had to have a gladiator fight with a knight in shining armor, I almost lost my mind. The movie had gone far over the top at that point but still wasn’t satisfied until it squeezed in one more Mad Max style car chase.

Needless to say, I was pleased with “Doomsday”. Oh sure, it’s a complete rip-off of every single sci-fi action flick ever made. But it’s a fun one. If you’re looking for some brain dead action, “Doomsday” will serve you well.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 babes of the wasteland

"The Ruins" review

The Ruins (2008)

Director: Carter Smith
Writers: Scott B. Smith

Jonathan Tucker ... Jeff McIntire
Jena Malone ... Amy
Laura Ramsey ... Stacy
Shawn Ashmore ... Eric
Joe Anderson ... Mathias
Sergio Calderón ... Lead Mayan

A bunch of fun loving tourists decide to break away from the pack and do something adventurous while vacationing in Mexico. This line of thinking always spells doom for tourists in horror flicks. They hear that there’s a ruin that the tour guides won’t take you to. It never crosses their minds as to why they won’t take them there, just that there’s an old ruin to explore. Once they find it, the natives won’t let them leave. The ruin doesn’t want them to leave either...
“The Ruins” has a standard horror movie set up that I thought was going to lead somewhere interesting. I was hoping for something monstrously evil to be waiting for them in the bowels of the ruins. I’m sorry to tell you that the only thing waiting for the wayward tourists is killer shrubbery. Yes, the vines on the ruins are carnivorous and want to lure idiotic tourists to their death. I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with killer plants before but “The Ruins” treats us to every gory possibility that this monster has to offer. In fact, you might even say that “The Ruins” truly encompasses the intersection between Hollywood and Vine. HAHAHAHA! Oh man, (wiping tears away), I’ve been waiting to use that line ever since I saw this movie.

I will give “The Ruins” some points for its generous helpings of gore. Vines start crawling towards the tourist’s wounded bodies with alarming regularity. As they spend their days and nights fighting off vines at the ruin, they start to snap under the pressure.
*SPOILER ALERT* The scene where the med student amputates the guys legs was particularly disgusting. That was a true orgy of gore. It made me wince with joy.*END SPOILER*

“The Ruins” is trying to be a psychological horror flick as we watch this group of friends crack under vine-filled pressure. It does deliver some good gore scenes and some decent suspense when they are crawling around the belly of the ruins.

But overall I didn’t feel that there was a sufficient payoff with this movie. I’m a big monster fan and proud of it. There should have been some sort of beast that the vines were attached to. I needed one to be waiting in those ruins. Instead I got a lot of hungry plants.

Why couldn’t they have burned the plants? Poisoned them? Whipped out the weed whacker? Break out the lawnmower? Show those weeds who’s boss of these ruins. Letting plants get the better of you is a sorry way to die in a horror flick. But getting your head ripped off and then thrown down the steps of the ruins by a slobbering beast, now that’s how a man wants to go out.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 killer weeds

"Hood of Horror" review

Hood of Horror (2006)

Director: Stacy Title
Writers: Jacob Hair Tim Sullivan

Snoop Dogg ... HOH / Devon
Ernie Hudson ... Roscoe
Danny Trejo ... Derelict
Pooch Hall ... Sod
Anson Mount ... Tex Jr
Daniella Alonso ... Posie
Lin Shaye ... Clara
Brande Roderick ... Tiffany

Snoop Dogg is a hood demon. He harvests the souls of anyone who brings horror to the hood. Whether it’s a malicious tagger with a deadly can of spray paint, a bunch of lowlife slumlords or a greedy rapper, they all get what’s coming to them. Snoop introduces each story and carries off the carcasses of the unfortunate souls who cross his path.

“Hood of Horror” takes its inspiration from “Tales from the Crypt”. It has three horror tales from the crypt/hood with Snoop acting as the evil narrator and laughing at the poor choices the suckers make. Immoral fools will always get what’s coming to them when they cross the demon Dogg. It’s all a gruesome way to teach lethal lessons to people who think they can get away with committing sin.

It’s also a very cheap way of telling a story. “Hood of Horror” looks like it cost about 50 bucks to make. They must have had a few generic urban sets left over from some other B-flick and decided to crank out another movie. Snoop was probably only available for a weekend anyway so they had to work fast. “Hood of Horror” is cheap and sloppy and proud of it. “Rush job” was the first thing to pop in my head after the horror was over.

But “Hood of Horror” keeps moving and delivers some blood and guts so I can’t fault it too much. The best story is the first one with the blood thirsty tagger. That had the most gruesome deaths. The slumlord story had some good gore scenes but the greedy rapper tale was done so cheaply I couldn’t buy into the fantasy that this guy had hit it big. But overall, “Hood of Horror” is a decent B-flick. It brings the carnage to the hood and Snoop picks up the pieces. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Snoops in the hood

"Cemetery Gates" review

Cemetery Gates (2006)

Director: Roy Knyrim
Writers: Pat Coburn Brian Patrick O'Toole

Reggie Bannister ... Belmont
Peter Stickles ... Hunter Belmont
Aime Wolf ... Dr. Christine Kollar
Nicole DuPort ... Kym
Kristin Novak ... August
Howard Berger ... Stoner Dude Doug
Gregory Nicotero ... Stoner Dude Michael

Activists decide to release a mutated Tasmanian devil on the world because they can’t stand the sight of such a magnificent monster being locked up. The beast goes hog wild with his new found freedom and proceeds to tear them to bits. The monster makes his escape to a graveyard where an amateur zombie movie is being filmed. He decides to bust up the student filming so that he can show them how a real blood soaked horror movie is made. Many fools die badly trying to escape the monster’s wrath and a good time is had by all.

“Cemetery Gates” combines two of my favorite B-movie elements: A rubber suited monster and copious amounts of blood and guts. The Tasmanian devil, (which goes by the name Precious), is a fine example of how a monster should behave in these movies. He shows no mercy to whoever is stupid enough to cross his path. He doesn’t take kindly to any kind of rude behavior. If someone should try to use him as a toilet, it will end very badly for that person’s offending anatomy. There’s another great scene where the monster leaps out of nowhere and does a flying tackle on a jogger. I had to rewind that scene a couple of times. There’s nothing like watching an extra hungry monster dive for his food for a few good laughs.

“Cemetery Gates” doesn’t try to be a serious horror movie but instead goes for large helpings of comedic gore. I had a good time watching Precious rampage his way through the cemetery. It delivers everything you would expect from a mutated Tasmanian devil movie. Blood, breasts, gore, and a guy in a rubber suit leaping on screaming people. It’s all here.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hungry devils

"Andre the Butcher" review

Andre the Butcher (2005)

AKA Dead Meat

Director: Philip Cruz
Writers: Philip Cruz James Hyde

April Billingsley ... Jasmine Tyner
Maury Sterling ... Hoss
Heather Joy Budner ... Cookie
Justin Capaz ... Jimbo
Terry Mross ... Sheriff Cooper
Ron Jeremy ... Andre the Butcher

A bunch of cheerleaders are on their way to a competition when tragedy strikes. They crash their car and end up walking to an abandoned house. Unfortunately for them, this is the stomping grounds of Andre the Butcher. Andre, (Ron Jeremy), just happens to be hanging around waiting for someone to kill. There are also some escaped convicts who show up to torment the cheerleaders as well. Throw in some trigger happy cops and you have the makings of a B-movie bloodbath.

“Andre the Butcher” is a fun B-flick. It doesn’t even try to be taken seriously which adds to the sheer joy of watching limbs get blown to pieces. It takes many elements from the B-movie playbook and mixes them together to make a fine cocktail of death and destruction. It also has the obligatory gratuitous lesbian scene. And here it is!Just by the virtue of starting the movie off with a car full of horny cheerleaders we know that the filmmaker’s hearts are in the right place. This movie can only be heading in the right direction.

Luckily for us, it is heading straight into the loving arms of mass murderer and all around big guy Ron Jeremy. Jeremy plays the strong, silent type of killer as he hacks his way through some cheerleaders. A few of Jeremy’s body parts get blown off in the ensuing carnage but he manages to bounce back from these setbacks with the held of a handy stapler. Watching Jeremy and friends bash each other’s heads in are what good times are made of. If you’re looking for a good Saturday night beer fueled bonanza, “Andre the Butcher” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 scary Jeremys