"Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals" review

Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals (1977)
AKA Emanuelle e gli ultimi cannibali

Directed by Joe D'Amato
Writing credits Joe D'Amato Romano Scandariato

Laura Gemser .... Emanuelle
Gabriele Tinti.... Professor Mark Lester
Nieves Navarro .... Maggie McKenzie (as Susan Scott)
Donald O'Brien .... Donald McKenzie
Percy Hogan .... Salvadore

Emanuelle goes to the jungle for a newspaper story. She's a journalist hot on the trail of a big scoop. It turns out there may still be cannibals in the Amazon and Emanuelle is just the babe for the job. Emanuelle, (Laura Gemser), has a lot of softcore sex in this flick. She rolls around with one or two guys. There's also a scene where Gemser and her female jungle guide are in the water washing each other off. While this is going on, a monkey is playing with their stuff on land. It's a scene that should have been more fulfilling than it was. Why there had to be a goofy monkey distracting from the females washing each other is unknown. Monkeys don't bring erotic joy. I rest my case.

So Emanuelle hooks up with a hunter and his wife that they find in the jungle. This is a good reason to have some more sex. There's a quick interracial scene between the wife of the hunter and their native companion. Soon the group runs into more natives and the gore is unleashed.

"Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals" has cannibal gore effects, softcore sex and other exploitation moments but overall it's not too exciting. Gemser has a tight body and it's great to see her naked but this flick needed a little more of everything to make it really worthwhile. Worth a look though if you love cannibal movies.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Emanuelles

"Patriot Games" review

Patriot Games (1992)

Directed by Phillip Noyce
Writing credits W. Peter Iliff

Harrison Ford .... Jack Ryan
Anne Archer .... Dr. Caroline "Cathy" Ryan
Patrick Bergin .... Kevin O'Donnell
Sean Bean .... Sean Miller
Thora Birch .... Sally Ryan
James Fox .... Lord William Holmes
Samuel L. Jackson .... Lt. Cmdr. Robby Jackson

Harrison Ford interrupts an IRA assassination attempt against the royal family. "Pure rage" propels him to take on the terrorists. Now one of the surviving assassins wants revenge. He tries to wipe out Harrison's family. It's on now. It's Harrison Ford vs. the Irish terrorist.

Harrison Ford has to win one for all of the family men out there. When his wife gives him an order, "You just get him Jack.", Harrison obeys. He does what I think most of the people in the audience would hope they would do under similar circumstances. Kill the bad guys of course. There are many heart pulling scenes of his poor little girl in the hospital. This drives Harrison on to be a better CIA analyst and nail the bad guys. It's all for the family.

There's a brief glazing over of the IRA/Northern Ireland angle but really the terrorists could have been anybody. The politics are not important. This is a revenge thriller. Someone takes a shot at Harrison Ford's family and you know he is going to take care of business. I liked it.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 rage-filled Fords

"Fright Night" review

Fright Night (1985)

Directed by Tom Holland
Writing credits Tom Holland

Chris Sarandon .... Jerry Dandrige
William Ragsdale .... Charley Brewster
Amanda Bearse .... Amy Peterson
Roddy McDowall .... Peter Vincent
Stephen Geoffreys .... 'Evil' Ed Thompson

A vampire moves next door to a horror movie fan. Wow. Wouldn't that be great? Unfortunately they don't get along. Soon the teen must convince his friends and the host of his favorite horror show to help him get rid of his undead next door neighbor. Vampire violence follows.

I always appreciate the attention paid to the legends of the vampire. You know, vampires can't see their reflection, holy water hurts them, sunlight kills them, stake through the heart etc. Too many movies come out and say something stupid like, "Forget what you've seen in the movies! This is how it's done!". "Fright Night" stays true to the legend and makes it much more enjoyable.

"Fright Night" is a very fun movie. This movie moves ahead without any slow spots. Vampire moves next door and the hero must kill him. Bingo. Here we go. Also, Chris Sarandon makes a great vampire. Cool and confident. Great flick.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 neighborly vampires

"Vampires" review

Vampires (1998)

Directed by John Carpenter
Writing credits Don Jakoby

James Woods .... Jack Crow
Daniel Baldwin .... Anthony Montoya
Sheryl Lee .... Katrina
Thomas Ian Griffith .... Jan Valek
Maximilian Schell .... Cardinal Alba
Tim Guinee .... Father Adam Guiteau
Mark Boone Junior .... Catlin

James Woods leads a Vatican hit squad against vampires. They track the bloodsuckers to New Mexico. Woods has taken vampire slaying to a new professional level. Crossbow wire arrows and jeep pulleys are the weapons a modern slayer prefers to dispatch the undead. "Forget what you've seen in the movies!"

"Vampires" has some good things going for it. Massive amounts of blood mostly. Oh, and guts. Yes. Blood AND guts. Lots of decapitated heads too. That's always the sign of a good horror flick. Plenty of gushing neck wounds as well. I love that. Great gore effects. James Woods is also very good. He's up for anything. He pours his heart out into the action even if no one else is really trying. "Die! Die you bloodsucking...Die!"

But something is missing from this flick. The main action has the slayers attaching a wire to the vampires and then dragging them out into the sun. The vampires then promptly explode. This effect is used about ten times. That sums up the movie. The filmmakers really didn't know what else to do with the vampires except to have them fry in the sun. It was also a letdown to be introduced to this super hit squad of slayers and then see them meet their maker within minutes. Of course their slaughter scene was fantastic so I'm not complaining too much.

Overall, "Vampires" was sparse on vampire action variety. There was some plot nonsense about a black cross and a secret ceremony but it was all just an excuse to watch more combustible vampires.

Basically there are two scenes of vampire killing. One is at the beginning and the other is at the end. There are some slaughter scenes in the middle to keep you interested. If you want to see James Woods make vampires explode, "Vampires" will serve you right.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 because James Woods makes vampires go boom

"Demon Slayer" review

Demon Slayer (2003)

Directed by James Cotten
Writing credits James Cotten Michael B. Druxman

Michelle Acuna .... Alicia/Elodia
Howard Williams Jr. .... Tyson
Adam Huss .... Phillip
Hanna Lee .... Claudia
Monique Deville .... Tamara

A bunch of teens head to an abandoned hospital to work off their community service. They're going to scrub the place clean for the community. Bad luck strikes the troubled teens as demons happen to be infesting this particular hospital. Somebody call the slayer.

"Demon Slayer" is fairly lame. Once again, the video box cover sings me sweet love songs only to have the movie break my heart. Maybe my standards are too high. What the heck am I saying? My standards are on the floor! No, no. This slayer is lame.

There is some nudity so I can't totally condemn this one. There is a little bit of demon action at the end but not nearly enough. "Demon Slayer" relies on the actors to bring the drama. Bad call. They weren't bad actors but Lord they weren't good. There should have been more demons and less drama. That would have made my night.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cheap demon attacks

"Breeders" review

Breeders (1986)

Directed by Tim Kincaid
Writing credits Tim Kincaid

Teresa Farley .... Dr. Gamble Pace
Lance Lewman .... Det. Dale Andriotti
Frances Raines .... Karinsa
Natalie O'Connell .... Donna

You might think this movie is about aliens. You'd be wrong. Sure there are aliens, and they do attack. But what the movie is really about is breasts. Female breasts. Naked female breasts.

Naked women are attacked by aroused aliens. Yes. That's right. It looked cheap and tacky. It was cheap and tacky. Still a good time for an aliens on the hunt movie.

Near the end, all the naked women jump into a pot of alien goo. I'm not saying what's in that goo, but the title is "Breeders". A high point in B-movie moments.

It was sleaze to please. I was pleased.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 pots of goo

"Jaws: The Revenge" review

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
AKA Jaws 4

Directed by Joseph Sargent
Writing credits Michael De Guzman

Lorraine Gary .... Ellen Brody
Lance Guest .... Michael Brody
Mario Van Peebles .... Jake
Michael Caine .... Hoagie Newcombe
Karen Young .... Carla Brody

I was at a Mexican restaurant with my friend when the conversation turned to "Jaws 4". He insisted that Mario Van Peebles survived the shark movie. I disagreed. I distinctly remembered him being dragged underwater with Jaws gnawing away at him. We bet 10 bucks to settle it and rented the movie after dinner. "Jaws 4" cost me ten bucks.

This movie was ridiculous. Van Peebles should be dead! How in the world did he survive? Jaws follows the Brody's to an island. It's his revenge!! What makes this movie stand out as a loser is the shark itself. It gets too many closeups which exposes it for the prop it is. Shark looking mighty fake. The ending seals the deal. Jaws on his hind legs out of the water and howling like a wounded lion. I'll join him. AAAAAAWWWOOOOO!!!

SCORE: 1 out of 4 bet blowing plastic sharks

"Immoral Tales" review

Immoral Tales (1974)
AKA Contes immoraux

Directed by Walerian Borowczyk
Writing credits André Pieyre de Mandiargues

Lise Danvers .... Julie
Fabrice Luchini .... André
Charlotte Alexandra .... Thérèse
Paloma Picasso .... Elisabeth Bathory

My brother gave me this DVD about a year ago. I finally got around to watching it. A movie called "Immoral Tales" demands that the viewer be in the proper frame of mind before viewing its immorality. Something inside me told me that today was the day for an art house erotic tale. So now I've seen it. Hmmmm. Maybe I should have waited a couple more years.

I always wondered why he would give up a perfectly good softcore flick. Now I know. Actually, to call this movie a softcore flick is erroneous. This movie is not interested in sex, softcore or otherwise. It is interested in being immoral in the artiest way possible.

"Immoral Tales" is divided into four segments. They've got cousin games, zucchini loving, bathing and church debauchery. The first two tales are boring and uneventful. The cousins are boring and the zucchini is uneventful. The second two stories start to give the movie a much needed lift. In the third tale, the Countess brings a truckload of naked women to her castle and watches them bathe. These women scrub themselves super, squeaky clean. It all ends in blood, hysteria and more cleaning. The last tale has some horny priests getting it on. It's all immoral and it's all scandalous but is it erotic? No. I've seen music videos that have turned me on more.

On the plus side, there are a ton of naked women in this movie. But the third tale is the only one worth watching. It's basically an exercise in watching naked women bathe. Hey, whatever works. The only thing that I found shocking was the scene where the soldier holds up the naked baby girl for the Countess. I really don't need to see that. Of all the Immoral Tales, that just might be a little too immoral.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 immoral, (but very clean), womenChin up. YOU need a good cleaning.

"S.W.A.T." review

S.W.A.T. (2003)

Directed by Clark Johnson
Writing credits Ron Mita

Samuel L. Jackson .... Sgt. Dan 'Hondo' Harrelson
Colin Farrell .... Jim Street
Michelle Rodriguez .... Chris Sanchez
LL Cool J .... Deacon 'Deke' Kay (as James Todd Smith)
Josh Charles .... T.J. McCabe
Jeremy Renner .... Brian Gamble
Brian Van Holt .... Michael Boxer
Olivier Martinez .... Alex Montel

"S.W.A.T." is an action movie cut in two halves. The first half is the story of a S.W.A.T. team being put together by Samuel Jackson. The second they are all together, the movie shifts gears into non-stop action. A big time drug dealer looks at the TV news cameras and tells anyone listening he'll pay them "100 MILLLLLION DOLLARS!" if they free him. Now the fun begins. The second half is a B-action movie with A-movie money.

"S.W.A.T." is a decent action flick. The first half felt like a long commercial for the soundtrack. Every training scene was a good excuse to let the hard rock blast away. So we get to meet all the team players and hopefully care about them when their lives are in danger.Once the drug dealer escape plan is hatched, the movie becomes one long chase scene. The S.W.A.T. team hunts down their man through L.A. as explosion after explosion demolishes the city. I had a good time. Here's an idea for "S.W.A.T. II": 200 MILLLLLION DOLLARS! For "S.W.A.T. III": 300 MILLLLLION DOLLARS! Etc.

One last thought, why did the filmmakers make a big deal about the woman of the team, (Michelle Rodriguez)?The other cops make the usual remarks about a woman not being able to handle S.W.A.T. action. We first see her after she has beaten up some guy. So I was expecting a scene where she gets to prove how tough she was. Where was the Girlfight? I don't remember her having any action scenes. The only action I saw was her punching a punching bag. Wow. That's tough enough for S.W.A.T. Case closed. Glad we settled that. Yeeeaaaahh.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for SWAT action

"The Escort" review

The Escort (1997)
AKA Black Widow Escort

Directed by Gary Graver
Writing credits Sean O'Bannon

Shauna O'Brien .... Suzanne Lane
Landon Hall .... Debra Gray
Scott Coppola .... Shane Gray

I bought this video for three bucks. You can learn a lot about the plot of "The Escort" by reading the back of the video box. The only problem is that whoever wrote the description on the back of the box probably hasn't seen this movie. It describes Landon Hall's character Debra as "runs her own successful business: a high class, above board escort service." Actually, she doesn't. She was in publishing. It also goes on to describe how she met Shauna O'Brien by saying; "she interviews a new escort…and hires her on the spot." This is also incorrect. Landon does interview Shauna to be a house mate for her and her husband but not to be an escort. I think you can clearly see how important the plot was to the filmmakers of "The Escort". It was so important that they forgot about it by the time they had to explain it on the back of the video box.

Anyway, for those who care, here's the story. Shauna O'Brien is an escort who moves in with Landon Hall and her husband. She has diabolical plans for Landon: Revenge, blackmail, murder etc. But before any of those plans can be hatched, there has to be a lot of sex. O'Brien escorts a few men into the bedroom for some nice O'Brien escort action. Landon Hall also gets a sex scene with her husband on the couch. It all leads to a startling revelation at the end as O'Brien has had her sights set on Hall for quite some time…

"The Escort" is a fair sex thriller. If you can ignore the plot, as the filmmakers did, you'll probably enjoy it for was it is. O'Brien plays up her usual bad girl role and makes the most of it. All of her sex scenes are good, especially the hot tub scene. Landon Hall's one sex scene with her husband was pretty hot as well. 

Even with all of this sex going on, my favorite scene was when O'Brien tried to seduce Landon at the dinner table with some slow kisses. Unfortunately, it didn't lead to anything interesting but at least O'Brien tried to get intimate with Landon Hall. That's all we can ask.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Shauna escorts

"South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut" review

South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)

Directed by Trey Parker
Writing credits Trey Parker Matt Stone

Trey Parker .... Stan Marsh/Eric Cartman/Satan/Mr. Herbert Garrison/Phillip Niles Argyle/Randy Marsh/Tom (news reporter)/Midget in a bikini/Ticket taker/Canadian Ambassador/Bombardiers/Mr. Mackey/Army general/Ned Gerblanski/Additional voices
Matt Stone .... Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick/Saddam Hussein/Terrance Henry Stoot/Jimbo Kearn/Gerald Broflovski/Bill Gates/Additional voices
Mary Kay Bergman .... Liane Cartman/Sheila Broflovski/Sharon Marsh/Wendy Testeberger/Clitoris/Additional voices
Isaac Hayes .... Chef (voice)

An R-rated cartoon musical. The South Park kids go to see a Canadian movie and learn how to curse like a pro. Or a Canadian. Their mothers are shocked at their behavior and Blame Canada. Now it's war. Canada, profanity, Satan's love life and other important topics are discussed while singing and dancing cartoon characters curse their brains out.

You will be offended. This movie is designed to offend. What exactly the message of this movie was supposed to be eludes me. Perhaps it was saying that cursing is a good thing and may save the world. Or perhaps it was saying that people shouldn't overreact to cursing in entertainment or else it may start a war that will begin the apocalypse. Or perhaps it was just trying to be as offensive as possible in order to throw the gauntlet down to South Park's critics. Perhaps all three reasons?

The good news is that the movie has some funny spots. A couple of the songs had me laughing. "Kyle's Mom's a _____" was hilarious. The battle at the end was funny. Overall, I liked it. But the profanity got tiring after awhile. Most of the jokes I liked were where they restrained themselves: "Can I finish? Can I, can I please finish?! ....OK, I'm finished."

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for cartoon mayhem

"Sphere" review

Sphere (1998)

Directed by Barry Levinson
Writing credits Kurt Wimmer

Dustin Hoffman .... Dr. Norman Goodman
Sharon Stone .... Dr. Elizabeth 'Beth' Halperin
Samuel L. Jackson .... Dr. Harry Adams
Peter Coyote .... Captain Harold C. Barnes
Liev Schreiber .... Dr. Ted Fielding
Queen Latifah .... Alice 'Teeny' Fletcher
Huey Lewis .... Helicopter Pilot

Will Hollywood ever get tired of ripping us off? Why not give audience members what they want? Is that too radical? Is it more satisfying to be deceitful and laugh at all the suckers who pile into movie theaters? This movie was a total, unashamed lie.

So an alien ship lands in the ocean. The usual gaggle of scientists check it out. They find, yes, a sphere. It's big and shiny. So it turns out that Mr. Sphere can make your worst fear come to life. OK. Fine. So thankfully, a lot of their fears revolve around things in the ocean. One person hates jellyfish and another hates squids. Now here's where the problem lies.

So if I fear a giant squid, logically a giant squid should attack. Right? RIGHT?! Where's the monster? I would expect this kind of cheap laziness from a B movie but this flick had some dollars thrown at it. Where's the squid? In other words, WHERE'S THE PAYOFF?! Wow. Ripped off yet again. Denied a monster. The ending is what seals the deal on it's lameness.

*SPOILER ON ENDING*

How to resolve the sphere dilemma? How can we really stick it to the audience to let them know they've been taken? Their solution? They think the sphere away and it flies off into space. Yes. Think your troubles away. Ugh. I tried that trick with this movie but no dice. All I can see is Hollywood laughing their heads off at another successful con job.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Ringmaster" review

Ringmaster (1998)

Directed by Neil Abramson
Writing credits Jon Bernstein

Jerry Springer .... Jerry Farrelly
Jaime Pressly .... Angel Zorzak
William McNamara .... Troy Davenport
Molly Hagan .... Connie Zorzak

Jaime Pressly as a horny trailer park girl? Great! I saw "Ringmaster" in the theater. I was all alone. The theater was completely empty. No one else dared. I had seen commercials for the movie and was attracted to the blonde girl in the movie, (Jaime Pressly). I had a movie pass at the time which let me get into movies for free. A love connection was made and the movie pass took me to see "Ringmaster".

First off, let me say that I am not a big fan of Jerry Springer. In fact, I have never seen a single show. Honest! I only know of him through pop culture osmosis. I knew his show was trashy and the trailers for the flick looked trashy. Trashy I like. So I had to see it.

The movie focuses on the guests of his show and why they would humiliate themselves on TV. Jerry's defense is that the poor people of America deserve a spot on TV too. He's the facilitator. He lets the poor speak out and be stupid. The working class has a hero and it's Jerry Springer. Springer is the Ringmaster.

So to give some background to all these human freak shows that run across the TV screen, we get to see the guest's life stories. Here is where the movie gets a little interesting. Jaime Pressly is the hot babe in the trailer park who sleeps with her step dad and a lot of other people.

Jaime Pressly is the living embodiment of sex. Other females look away in shame.It's no wonder her step dad wants her. Her nakedness is what propels this movie into more than just a flick about guests on a trashy talk show. OK. OK. It's not much more than that but Jaime Pressly is still volcano-level hot. If you like seeing Jaime Pressly getting it on, (and what sane man doesn't?), check out this flick.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 only because Jaime Pressly makes me want to live!

"Deadly Species" review

Deadly Species (2002)

Directed by Daniel Springen
Writing credits Rory Penland Bill Suchy

Pete Penuel .... Dr. Brinson Thomas
Allison Adams.... Marta Thomas
Brian Minyard .... Wilson Friels
Jeff Brozovich .... Derek neal
Britt George .... Laird Kleeger

A bunch of college students head out into the Everglades to look for something. Instead they find something else. People die and some other stuff happens.

It was a pretty decent B-movie up until the roller coaster derailing ending. There were naked breasts. Very good. There was blood, although not a lot. There was a thing stalking the party in the woods. But all the condiments in the world do not add up to a B-movie burger if the ending stinks.

*SPOILER ON ENDING*

There should never be a level of understanding between the monster and its victims. "Yes, yes. I understand. I was wrong all along. Thank you for killing me." Apparently the filmmakers couldn't afford to mess up the monster's rubber costume. It was a rental and had to be back by next Thursday. Stop making nice with monsters! They are there to be killed, not to be put on a pedestal as a swamp guardian. First I fear the swamp species, now I sympathize with their plight? Coaster going off the tracks! B-movie fatality.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 deadly rubber beasts

"Possession" review

Possession (1981)

Directed by Andrzej Zulawski
Writing credits Andrzej Zulawski

Isabelle Adjani .... Anna/Helen
Sam Neill .... Mark
Margit Carstensen .... Margit Gluckmeister
Heinz Bennent .... Heinrich
Johanna Hofer .... Heinrich's mother
Carl Duering .... Detective

Isabelle Adjani and Sam Neill are the most unhappy married couple in the world. They argue and scream at each other constantly. Isabelle wins in the screaming department. She is a shrieker. Isabelle runs off from time to time. Sam wonders where. She wants to be alone with her new lover. A lover that is perfect for her...

This movie is the definition of "overwrought". The actors are directed to be as over the top as they can. Isabelle Adjani deserves a special mention as the most hysterical woman ever put on film. The movie has a serious melodramatic vibe. It keeps the tone for the entire flick. If you're not in the mood for an explosion of emotions, this movie will grate you. I was ready for the ocean of emotion and enjoyed most of it.

Speaking as an exploitation movie fan, I must compliment one of the final scenes:

*EXPLOITATION SCENE SPOILER*

So Sam Neill tracks down Isabelle. He wants to see her new lover. He finds her screaming in ecstasy. On the bed is Isabelle having sex with a squid like monster! YAY! Her soul was in pain and her body created a perfect lover. Yes, Squid Man. I live for movie moments like that. It made all the screaming hysteria worth sitting through. There are some other good bloody scenes too.

*END SPOILER*

Make no mistake. This is no exploitation film. Although it does contain scenes of blood and guts. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 overwrought Isabelles

"Shadow Hours" review

Shadow Hours (2000)

Directed by Isaac H. Eaton
Writing credits Isaac H. Eaton

Balthazar Getty .... Michael Holloway
Peter Weller .... Stuart Chappell
Rebecca Gayheart .... Chloe Holloway
Peter Greene .... Det. Steve Andrianson
Frederic Forrest .... Sean
Brad Dourif .... Roland Montague

A gas station attendant is bored with his low paying, sober existence. Peter Weller pulls up in a black Porsche and proceeds to get this party started. He wants to show Balthazar how to have a good time in L.A. after dark. Weller knows where all the hidden parties are. They start slow with some bars and some strip clubs. It's just a little taste for Getty to get excited. Then they advance to underground fights and S&M clubs. Getty starts to lose his soul with the freaks in late night Los Angeles. It may be gone for good.

Peter Weller knows how to party. This guy never sleeps. He loves getting as depraved as possible every night. Getty cannot resist the temptation to party in the Shadow Hours with Weller. That pretty much sums up "Shadow Hours". It's the Weller party hours. Rebecca Gayheart shows up as Getty's concerned, pregnant wife.She frowns on all of Getty's nightlife activities. She's a downer, total buzz kill. Thanks to Weller, Getty knows how to have a good time.

"Shadow Hours" might be trying to be some sort of cautionary tale about living life too fast or it may just be a B-movie with some cheap thrills. Either way, I enjoyed it. It was a party. Like all movies that try to show you the downside of living wildly, they also have to show you the upside to a wild, wild life. Getty was having more fun with Weller than he was pumping gas. Sometimes, you just gotta cut loose, footloose, kick off those Sunday shoes. Oooh wee.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Wellers partying down in the shadow hours

"The Toolbox Murders" review

The Toolbox Murders (1978)

Directed by Dennis Donnelly
Writing credits Neva Friedenn Robert Easter

Cameron Mitchell .... Vance Kingsley
Pamelyn Ferdin .... Laurie Ballard
Wesley Eure .... Kent Kingsley
Nicolas Beauvy .... Joey Ballard

Once again, some nut has it in for beautiful women. "Toolbox murders" are raging at an apartment complex. The cops are baffled. We get to see a couple of brutal murders involving naked, horny women. So far, so good. Then the movie wanders off into the psychology of the madman and proceeds to drop dead. What a shame. However "The Toolbox Murders" does have an outrageously sleazy murder scene that makes it worth seeing once:

*EXPLOITATION SCENE SPOILER*

The highlight of the film involves a woman taking a bubble bath. The killer waits patiently by the bathroom door as she rubs herself raw underneath the bubbles. After she's done pleasuring herself, he chases her around the apartment with a nailgun. He "nails" her a couple of times and then lovingly puts the final nail through her head.

*END SPOILER*

This was one of the greatest scenes in exploitation movie history. Watch this movie just for that scene. The rest of the movie will only hurt you.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for power tool massacres

"The Dead Pit" review

The Dead Pit (1989)

Directed by Brett Leonard
Writing credits Gimel Everett Brett Leonard

Jeremy Slate .... Dr. Gerald Swan
Cheryl Lawson .... Jane Doe
Stephen Gregory Foster .... Christian Meyers
Danny Gochnauer .... Dr. Colin Ramzi

I bought this video. A disturbed woman gets thrown into an insane asylum where she belongs. She insists she's not crazy. It's hard to believe her when she spends half her time screaming and wailing at whomever is around. This all becomes meaningless when zombies start charging out of the cellar. They were stashed in the pit. The Dead Pit. They want their asylum back and their head zombie won't take no for an answer.

This was OK. There are a few gory spots once the zombies start chugging along. We get to see brains, delicious brains, and lots of them. The movie doesn't really get going until about the halfway point. The first half of the movie we get to see the heroine cry her eyes out at being declared insane as she's foaming at the mouth. "I didn't lose my memory! It was taken from me!" Hmmmm. Same difference? Look babe, you're a loon. Deal with it.

As zombie flicks go, this was decent. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 brain hungry zombies

"Sorceress II: The Temptress" review

Sorceress II: The Temptress (1996)

Directed by Richard Styles
Writing credits Richard Styles

Julie Strain .... Tara Coventry
Greg Wrangler .... Paul Stevens
Sandahl Bergman .... Virginia
Julie K. Smith .... Katlin
Jenna Bair .... Noella
Jay Richardson .... Doctor Condon

I bought this DVD. It has Julie Strain on the cover in front of a raging fire wearing some sort of Spider-woman lingerie. The cover says, "Her powers will keep you up all night." What a temptress. I had seen the first "Sorceress" and enjoyed it. Well, I enjoyed the one scene where Strain has sex with two other women. Looking on the back cover of this DVD, I saw Strain standing in between two hot women. One of the other women was Julie Smith. I couldn't wait to see what kind of spell she could put on Strain. Two large breasted Julies...together at last! You thinking what I'm thinking?

Well, I suffered through this one up to the point where the main hero tells a story of when he fell in love with a young nun who was teaching him at school. This is what we call a "mood killer". After that pointless scene, I fast forwarded through the rest of the movie. So our hero is dragged up to Coventry, CA to run the marketing dept. of a demonic cosmetics company and no one cares. Let's talk about something important. Let's talk about the sex.

Julie Strain and Julie Smith get naked. Julie Strain is always a pleasure to see naked but Smith really stole the show in this one. She is one hot bouncing breast party. You know, I just can't get enough of talking about her breasts. I could write poems about them. Songs! Love sonnets! Haikus! All right, I'll stop. Also, Strain and Smith both have sex with guys under red and blue strobe lights. These are supposed to be nightmare's the main hero is having but I don't see anything nightmarish about them at all. They would be more like "dream come true" scenes.

This all leads to the supposed highlight of the movie. The three Witchy Women, (Strain, Smith and another blonde), all get naked in a gazebo. They're squirming around naked but there is no sex. *Sniff* *Sniff* Tears are falling! Smith does make a play for Strain's breasts but other than that the scene was a huge letdown. This misfire of a three-way kills any merit "Sorceress II" may have had. I can handle bad acting, bad editing and everything else that's bad but to screw up a three-way with a double shot of Julie B-queens is unforgivable.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 tempting Julies

"Freeway" review

Freeway (1996)

Directed by Matthew Bright
Writing credits Matthew Bright

Kiefer Sutherland.... Bob Wolverton
Reese Witherspoon.... Vanessa Lutz
Wolfgang Bodison.... Detective Mike Breer
Dan Hedaya.... Detective Garnet Wallace
Amanda Plummer.... Ramona Lutz
Brooke Shields.... Mimi Wolverton

Reese Witherspoon hits the freeway to grandma's house. A big bad Wolverton picks up her little red riding scent. Oh no. The trip to grandmas may have to be delayed so Reese can deal with this killer wolf in yuppie's clothing.

I was enjoying "Freeway" while I was watching it. When it ended though, I felt let down. I kept expecting a payoff scene to appear but it never did. I thought "Freeway" was going to be a B-movie extravaganza with Reese Witherspoon doing her thing as a country girl hooker. Nope. It turns out that "Freeway" is just an acting showcase for Witherspoon. I was disappointed.

It's a shame too because there was a ton of potential here. Technically, this is not a bad flick. You've got killers and hookers and blood and fighting. Killer hookers. Bloody fighting. The acting is strong, especially Witherspoon. It only makes it sting that much harder. The exploitative heart in "Freeway" is barely beating. For some, that may not be a bad thing. For me, it's heartbreaking.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 rampaging Witherspoons