Hustler Hollywood night

I have been recovering from work related, (and vacation related), activities lately and needed something to jump start me back to the land of the living. When I heard about the Hustler Hollywood night at the Whisky a Go Go on Sunset, I knew this was the proverbial shot in the arm I needed. There was a benefit going on and I was glad to do my part. I believe the theme of the night was "Keep Porn Alive". Or at least legal. So my friend and I wandered into the Whisky and I got myself a beer to see what was going on with the porn stars. Hustler Hollywood was serving up a mixture of porn publicity, sex toy demonstration and alcohol. A strong combination to be sure. MILF extraordinaire Nina Hartley got on stage to show us all that a lifetime of porn movies doesn't warp you into a mindless sex zombie. She says she's been in "the industry" for 25 plus years. My friends, that's a lot of sex. So she knows what she's saying when she laments the attacks on her industry by various state and federal prosecutors around the country. After Nina left the stage the evening took a less serious turn as the porn stars took the stage to promote their products. First up was Girlfriend's films, an all lesbian porn outfit. They all got on stage and talked about the beauty of hot girl/girl action. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Or was I the only one listening? Then they showed a collection of scenes from their latest lesbian flicks.

You haven't lived until you've watched porn stars watch themselves have sex. It was magical.

Next up was Alektra Blue showing us all the latest in anal sex technology.I think there is a motor in the front or something. The men were talking about it so I wasn't really listening. But Alektra seemed to like it.
Alektra decided to spread the love around and grabbed the co-host of the evening, (a reality TV personality), for a hands-on demonstration.She enjoyed herself. The Wicked Girls joined Alektra Blue on stage to promote their latest big budget porn flick.They all got a chance to say a few scripted words about the motorcycle sex movie they were promoting.

But how does one become a Wicked Girl? Is there some sort of screening process? Is there anything the Wicked Girls have in common, (besides being hot?). What makes one porn star Wicked-worthy and others not? Do the girls all get along or are they all just too wicked?

We may never know all the answers but the studio system is alive and well in the Valley.

After the porn movie promotion was over, it was time to have an orgasm contest. Four, (or was it five?) ladies got onstage to show us how they fake their orgasms.
Porn star Belladonna, (who apparently had just shaved her head. On a side note, I used to have a thing for Sinead O' Connor so this was kind of working for me), was one of the judges. She is an expert in this field and did not cut anybody any slack.

The first contestant needed some visual help to get her juices flowing. The host was happy to oblige.
The next contestant didn't want to fake her orgasm as she dropped to the floor an subsequently dropped her pants and rubbed one out for all to see.
She was very naughty. But this is what happens when you get a room full of exhibitionists together. Add in some horny guys with cameras and you have the recipe for mayhem. Then we were treated to another contest. This time, "Top Blowjob on a Penis shaped candy stick" was on the line. The naughty contestant from the screaming O contest jumped right into the candy shaft licking contest.It was very suggestive. She seemed to know what she was doing. I was impressed.

But then Belladonna got involved in the contest and she turned up the heat. The candy didn't stand a chance.I left the Whisky soon after this oral display. I knew I had just witnessed the peak of the evening and wanted to leave on a high note. After saying a few goodbyes, my friend and I wandered down to the Rainbow Bar and Grill for some fried cheese goodness. But it was Belladonna's shaved head bouncing on a candy dong that kept running through my mind. She was the winner this evening. Well, actually we all were.

"Attack Girls' Swim Team versus the Undead" review

Attack Girls' Swim Team versus the Undead (2007)

AKA Joshikyôei hanrangun

Director: Kôji Kawano
Writer: Satoshi Ôwada

Sasa Handa ... Aki
Yuria Hidaka ... Sayaka
Ayumu Tokitô ... Mariko
Mizuka Arai
Hiromitsu Kiba
Hidetomo Nishida

The girl's swim team is in trouble. They're the only ones not affected by the hideous zombie plague raging through the school. Luckily for them, chlorine is the only antidote to the virus. As the rest of the school turns into the undead, new girl Aki, (Sasa Handa), and her new girlfriend, (and possible twin), have a long lesbian encounter in the kitchen. When body parts are flying all around you, only sapphic delights can put your mind at ease. After their prolonged lovemaking session is over, they get back to the business of killing zombie school girls. It all ends with startling revelations of mad scientists, secret assassins and flutes that drive women to orgasm. Somehow, it all makes sense in the end.

Well, actually it doesn't. "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead" is just as disjointed and incoherent as its title suggests. Hot babe Sasa joins the swim team and zombies attack. That sums up everything you need to know about this movie. The only other thing to know is that Sasa is naked throughout most of the movie and has a great lesbian scene in the school kitchen. She is the highlight of this movie.

That's not to say there aren't other cheap thrills to be had. There is plenty of blood and guts as zombies flail about in hopes of dismembering the swim team. Actually the swim team really doesn't do much to stop the zombie horde. They get slaughtered fairly quickly which leaves it up to Sasa to lay waste to her infected schoolmates. It's later revealed that Sasa is actually a crazed assassin and that a mad scientist has repeatedly seduced her with his magic flute. If you need more clarity on that last sentence, I can assure you that you will derive no joy out of watching "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead".

So if you're the kind of undiscriminating "lesbian school girls meet zombie plague started by a horny mad scientist with a magic flute" movie lover like I am, you'll probably find something to enjoy in "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead". Sasa is hot enough, (and naked enough), to make up for a lot of the nonsensical madness on display. And have I mentioned the lesbian love scene in the kitchen? Sasaaaaaaa...

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 attack girls' swim teams

Sasaaaaaaa..

"Pets" review

Pets (1974)

Director: Raphael Nussbaum
Writers: Raphael Nussbaum

Ed Bishop ... Victor Stackman
Joan Blackman ... Geraldine Mills
Candice Rialson ... Bonnie (as Candy Rialson)
Teri Guzman ... Pat (as Teri Guzmán)
Brett Parker ... Dan Daubrey
Matt Green ... Ron the Burglar
Mike Cartel ... Bonnie's Brother
K.T. Stevens ... Mrs. Daubrey

Bonnie, (Candy Rialson), is being dominated. Her brother tries to control her but she breaks away from him so she can set off on her California adventure. While walking on the beach, she runs into a black woman who shows her the art of hustling old white guys. They rob and humiliate him but Candy is nice enough to give her mark some post larceny sex. Bonnie moves on from hustling and into the loving arms of a lesbian painter. Bonnie agrees to be a model for Geraldine and eventually becomes her lover. Geraldine wants to control Bonnie in every aspect of her life but she doesn't want to be dominated. Exasperated, Bonnie sneaks a man in to have sex with but Geraldine takes offense to this and blows the man away. Bonnie doesn't appreciate her lovers being murdered and hits the road again. This time she falls for the charms of a depraved art collector who wants to break Bonnie's will. He wants to make her his pet. Bonnie is kept in a cage with the other animals in his collection but it won't be long before he finds out that Bonnie can't be broken.

"Pets" is a very interesting movie. It's basically a sexploitation movie but it's clearly trying to be a little more than that. I bought the DVD because I thought it was going to be a Candy Rialson B-movie sadomasochism showcase. But "Pets" is more interested in exploring themes of domination and submission rather than any sort of sleazy scenes of whips and leather. Although there's a few of those scenes in here as well.

"Pets" is impossible to describe without giving away the whole movie. It's broken down into three parts. The first has Bonnie dominating and taunting the old guy on a hill while her partner in crime ransacks his house. The second act has Bonnie being dominated by her older lesbian lover. The last part has Bonnie being caught in a a sadomasochistic web by a freak with his own private zoo. It's this last part of the movie that the filmmakers have advertised as their main sleaze selling point. As you can see, it worked on me.

But the real selling point of "Pets" is Candy Rialson. She is the ultimate California blonde. "Pets" would not be as much fun to watch without her in it. The movie follows her Malibu adventures as she goes from one dominating situation to the next. Candy is frequently naked in the movie and each scene is a treasure. It's easy to see why everyone Candy meets wants to control her.

So if you need some 70's sexploitation in your life, "Pets" is worth watching. As an added bonus, the movie is presented in horrible shape but that only adds to its sleazy charm. A warning at the beginning of the DVD assures the viewer that this was the best copy of the movie they could get but to not let that stop you from enjoying it. I just wish I had a time machine so I could have watched this in a 70's Times Square theater with some fellow B-movie fans. That feels like the right decrepit environment to get the most out of watching "Pets".

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Candy pets

Candy Candy Candy. I can't let you go.

"The Horseman" review

The Horseman (2008)

Director: Steven Kastrissios
Writer: Steven Kastrissios

Peter Marshall... Christian
Caroline Marohasy... Alice
Brad McMurray... Derek
Jack Henry ... Finn
Evert McQueen ... Jim
Christopher Sommers ... Pauly
Bryan Probets ... Walters
Steve Tandy ... Devlin
Chris Betts ... Hilton
Damon Gibson ... Chuck
Hannah Levien ... Jesse
Robyn Moore ... Irene

"The Horseman" is the story of one man's war against amateur pornography. Christian's daughter has gotten mixed up in drugs and gang bang porn. Her budding film career is cut short when she overdoses after a porn movie shoot. Christian can't stand the idea that his daughter was anything other than the sweet little girl he remembers so he must kill every dirtbag that disparages his memories with the truth. He works his way up the scum ladder, maiming and killing all who oppose his cherished memories of his virginal daughter. Many men will die for exploiting the wrong girl. The Horseman is bringing about a porno apocalypse.

How far will we go to remember people the way we want to? Throughout the movie, Christian keeps fixating on his memories of his daughter as a little girl. This sweet, innocent memory of her childhood is what keeps him alive. When scum try to tarnish his beloved memory, he has no choice but to go on a murderous rampage so his soul can live. Along his path of destruction, he meets a young runaway who briefly calms down his bloodlust. His peaceful moment of humanity is soon taken from him as the pornographers track him down with their own ideas of revenge. More torture and mayhem follow.

"The Horseman" is a pretty good revenge movie. I enjoyed it. I always like seeing unstable men do unspeakable acts in the name of revenge and "The Horseman" certainly delivers. Christian becomes unhinged after watching a porno tape with his daughter in it. He vows to track down anyone associated with the filth and make them pay. Although everyone Christian runs into insists that they're innocent since she willingly came to them, their argument falls on deaf ears as Christian is too busy beating them senseless to listen. But this is what happens when you watch your dead daughter bang her way through "Young City Sluts II". It would drive any father mad.

So if you're looking for a movie where death and mayhem await exploitative pornographers, "The Horseman" is the movie for you. It is a moving film about the lengths a man will go to in order to keep the father/daughter bond healthy even after death. Sometimes you have to kill porn performers, producers and directors to get the cathartic release you need. "The Horseman" is filled with scenes of bloody revenge and it makes for a fine viewing experience.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 horsemen

And I looked, and behold a pale exterminator can: and his name that sprayed it was Death. and Hell followed with him.

"Popatopolis" review

Popatopolis (2009)

Director: Clay Westervelt
Writer: Clay Westervelt

Jim Wynorski

Julie K. Smith
Julie Strain
Monique Parent
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Antonia Dorian
Roger Corman
Andy Sidaris

Stormy Daniels

So I was in a strip club in the San Gabriel Valley when Stormy Daniels strutted in. She was the feature performer that night and you could get your picture taken with her for $20. Who was I to deny myself this pleasure? Also, I had just reviewed "The Witches of Breastwick" and I wanted to talk to her about the movie. Stormy was very open and honest with me about the making of this softcore flick. She told me she got paid $800. For comparison, she told me she gets paid $8,000 to direct a hardcore flick. I asked her about her Co-stars and she said that Glori-Anne Gilbert was a very sweet girl. I asked her why she thought Wynorski put her in the movie since I didn't perceive any charisma in Glori-Anne. She said that Glori-Anne was Wynorski's girlfriend. Ahh, it all makes sense now. She also talked about how Julie Smith was not happy that she was there and that Julie argued with Wynorski all the time. She also never received a DVD of the movie but she did get a VHS tape. It was an enlightening and pleasant conversation. Little did I know that four years later I would watch a documentary about the making of "Witches of Breastwick" which complemented my late night strip club conversation.

"Popatopolis" is a documentary about breasts, B-movies, porn stars, greed, and a man who epitomizes cut-throat filmmaking. I am referring to Jim Wynorski, the most prolific, (and shameless), B-movie maker working today. This documentary follows Wynorski as he goes through the motions of bringing his latest softcore flick, "The Witches of Breastwick", to life. But it's also about the rise and fall of Wynorski and how he has let himself get corrupted by the never ending checks flowing from the bottomless coffers of late night cable.

"Popatopolis" is a fascinating documentary. Speaking as a guy who has not only seen "Witches of Breastwick" but has sat through many Wynorski late night flicks, this documentary really pushed a button in me. I had an image in my head of the guy who cranked out "Breastford Wives", "The Hills have Thighs" and "Cleavagefield" and it was reinforced after watching Wynorski in action. Now I can safely say that Wynorski only cares about himself and his $65,000 check from Cinemax. There is nothing else in his life that matters. Making movies only irritates him as it slows down his ability to get paid.

"Popatopolis" starts off with Wynorski saying he's a big movie fan. He runs through his house showing off his video stashes in the kitchen and in the bedroom. The dichotomy of Wynorski as a movie fan and Wynorski as a director just doesn't make any sense. How can this guy profess to being a movie fan and still live with himself for cranking out some of the movies he's attached his name to? Has he not picked up any filmmaking techniques from watching countless films?

The only techniques Wynorski has picked up over the years is in the art of getting away with it. When Wynorski was working with Roger Corman, he actually made an effort to produce some quality B-movies. "Not of this Earth" and "Chopping Mall" were both fun B-movies. But left to his own devices, Wynorski just wants to get the annoying filmmaking process out of the way so that he can collect his money. Actors, actresses and the crew are only there to irritate him as he barks his way through the production.

"Popatpolis" shines a light on how much Wynorski cares, (very little), for the other people who make his movies possible. When the cast and crew arrive at the cabin for the shoot, they are surprised to find out that there are no amenities available. There are no towels or working can openers. Of course that doesn't matter since there's no food to eat anyway. I thought there was only going to be one bed to share and Wynorski was going to have all of the ladies pile onto his to save some space.

Speaking of ladies, the three babes in "Witches of Breastwick" are the topless muses that keep Wynorski's creative juices flowing. Julie Smith, Glori-Anne Gilbert and Stormy Daniels are the witches and they will pop their tops at Wynorski's command. Monique Parent also shows up at the destitute cabin and her top will be popped at some point during the shoot.

Julie Strain and Julie Smith, (Big and Little Julies), are given the chance to reflect on Wynorski and B-movies in general. Both of them seem a little melancholy over the state of the industry and how Wynorski has changed over the years. Big Julie can not even bring herself to refer to what Wynorski is filming these days as B-movies. She has to call them C-movies. Both of them seem slightly offended, (especially little Julie), that porn stars are now able to get into B-movies. Julie Smith has been working with Wynorski for awhile and even though she tries to defend him, it can't be denied that Wynorski's lust for profit means less interesting B-films and more mindless softcore sex flicks. Of course when Julie Smith shows up in one of Wynorski's softcore movies, I'm not complaining.

One of the most fascinating aspects of this documentary is watching Wynorski's directing style (or lack thereof). In one protracted scene, he tortures Julie Smith until she gets a line about a tow truck right. He makes her repeat the line over and over until she reads it exactly as written. Torturing his one good actress interests him and yet in other scenes Wynorski show no directing interest at all. There's another scene where Stormy, Monique and Glori-Anne are in a hot tub and Wynorski doesn't do anything to move the scene forward except sit on his rear end while the girls go at it. If these are the money shots in the flick, why isn't Wynorski offering any advice on how to make the scene better? This one scene, (and Stormy's sex scene against the tree), clearly illustrate how much Wynorski cares, (very little), about sex scenes. They seem to bore him so he just lets them play out naturally. It's up to the performers to improvise their way through them as Wynorski takes a nap and dreams of his paycheck.

"Popatopolis" highlights the real tragedy of Jim Wynorski. If Wynorski was just some guy using a fake name to film fake sex, no one would care about him. There wouldn't be a documentary about him. People who he's berated and screamed at for years would not be sticking up for him if there wasn't at least something there to like. B-movie fans can only bring themselves to praise the movies he made in the late 80's to mid-90's because every movie since then has been a rush job to get in the hands of his masters at Cinemax. He's an ambitious guy who has a manic need to make films but he can't seem to bring himself to expend too much energy to make the movies really enjoyable. We've seen him make good movies in the past and we know he has the skill to do it but his lust for more money overrides any and all other filmmaking needs.

"Popatopolis" is the best movie Wynorski has been associated with in fifteen years. It's a documentary that should be seen by B-movie fans. It is an honest look at Jim Wynorski and his mercenary filmmaking style. It may also scare you away from the B-movie world after seeing the utter lack of glamour associated with it's unrelenting production schedule. "Popatopolis" won't endear people to Wynorski but it does help to understand the mindset of a rapid fire filmmaker.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Wynorskis in action

Wynorski gives the number one lesson in B-movie making: Pop that top.

"Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead" review

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

Director: Declan O'Brien
Writers: Connor James Delaney Alan B. McElroy

Tom Frederic ... Nate
Janet Montgomery ... Alex
Gil Kolirin ... Floyd
Christian Contreras ... Willy
Jake Curran ... Crawford
Tom McKay ... Brandon
Chucky Venice ... Walter (as Chucky Venn)
Tamer Hassan ... Chavez
Jack Gordon ... Trey
Louise Cliffe ... Sophie
Charley Speed ... Brent
Borislav Petrov ... Three Toes

A bunch of teens are going kayaking, getting topless and smoking dope. Their revelry is interrupted by a mutant cannibal with a bow and arrows. Of course it is. Just when you thought the movie was over, our attention is diverted to a prison where there will be a high risk transfer of their most dangerous prisoners. On the way through the backwoods, the hillbilly freak attacks the prison bus and makes it fall down a hill. The prisoners have taken a Wrong Turn. Well, not really a turn so much as a Wrong Roll. The rest of the movie has the guards and prisoners debating survival tactics and money management as the hillbilly cannibal picks their bones clean.

"Wrong Turn 3" is a corporate exploitation movie. It is a ruthlessly efficient vehicle for blood, guts and multiple dismemberment scenes. It's pretty much an hour and a half of pure violence. It also doesn't have anything to do with the previous "Wrong Turn" movies. Well, there are people running through the woods from a hideous hillbilly but Eliza Dusku wasn't one of them so it wasn't as interesting. I saw the first "Wrong Turn", (and loved it), but I didn't see the sequel. It feels like this movie was made because the filmmakers had a script about convicts escaping through the woods and they weren't sure what to do with it.

But is there a right way to make a "Wrong Turn" movie? Is there only one way these films are supposed to play out? Why can't a "Wrong Turn" movie have convicts and prison guards getting slaughtered instead of the usual teens? Oh sure, I'd rather see a busload of sorority girls running from the freaks but you can't have everything.

Speaking as a sleazy exploitation fan, "Wrong Turn 3" has some enjoyable aspects. It is shameless gore entertainment. Body parts are hacked off regularly and there are plenty of scenes of torture as the hillbilly chops his way through his victims. What the movie lacks in imagination, it makes up for in blunt force trauma to the viewers head. The violence is unrelenting. Blood effects are let loose on a constant basis.

However, if you were a big fan of the original "Wrong Turn", you may despise this movie. Everything about "Wrong Turn 3" reeks of cheapness. From the dismal CGI effects to the rubbery masked mutant, the budget was not spent on making convincing special effects. They didn't have the funds for a whole clan of cannibals so they had to settle for one and a half maniacs. But the real exploitation at work here is on the goodwill associated with the "Wrong Turn" franchise. They took their convict action script and added a few scenes of a deformed backwoods freak to make it seem like a "Wrong Turn" movie. The slaughter scene at the beginning was probably added on later to at least give the illusion that the filmmakers actually watched the first two movies.

So if you're looking for a faithful sequel to the "Wrong Turn" movies, you'd be better off letting this one go. But if you're just looking for some mindless gore entertainment, "Wrong Turn 3" has some scenes worth watching. It's not trying to be a horror movie. It just wants to spend ninety minutes throttling you with scenes of blood and destruction. It's quite content to be a gory action movie. Whether it succeeds or not depends on how low your standards are.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 mutant hillbillies

"Bikini Frankenstein" review

Bikini Frankenstein (2010)

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Frankie Cullen ... Dr. Frankenstein
Jayden Cole ... Eve
Brandin Rackley ... Ingrid
Christine Nguyen ... Claudia
Billy Chappell ... Clyde (as Tony Marino)
Ted Newsom ... Professor Van Sloane
Ron Ford ... Dr. Waldman

Dr. Frankenstein has a horny dream. A noble wet dream. It involves bringing a really hot corpse back to life. He finds the tallest, hottest dead woman he can find and pumps her full of electricity. Thankfully the lust experiment is a success. Eve, (Jayden Cole), springs to life and proceeds to do what any grateful undead babe would do. She grabs Frankenstein's assistant, (Brandin Rackley), and has sex with her on the operating table. Now that Frankenstein has the resurrected babe he's always wanted, he needs to show off his particular genius. So naturally he takes Eve to a cocktail party where everybody gets laid and a good time is had by all.

So "Bikini Frankenstein". It was on cable and I was up. Who was I to neglect watching yet another Fred Olen Ray bikini movie? Although no one actually wears a bikini in this movie, Jayden does wear a fetching two-piece. But why does the word "bikini" thrill Ray so much? Does he have some sort of Pavlovian response to the word? He hears the word "bikini" and starts drooling? I suppose we could consider some sort of classical conditioning testing on these prolific softcore auteurs but it may lead us down alleys in the mind that we're not ready for yet.

Now I'll be honest. I was fading in and out on this one. I didn't really catch all the subtle nuances that encompass a Fred Olen Ray softcore flick. But I was wide awake during the sex scenes and "Bikini Frankenstein" has some memorable ones. Brandin Rackley has a good scene with Jayden Cole on the operating table. Brandin is a kisser and I love that about her. She starts making out with Jayden and eventually they get into some tribbing which causes sparks to fly. Later, Brandin and Jayden head to the shower for some cooling off after their life igniting tribbing. Jayden is such a tall woman that Brandin has to stand on her tip toes just to reach her mouth for some more kissing scenes.

Now about Jayden Cole. Wow. She's amazing. She was an inspiration. Well, she inspired me to keep watching that's for sure. When the movie shifts to the cocktail party, there are the obligatory guy/girl scenes which really didn't thrill me too much. But the movie ends with an outstanding three way scene with Jayden, Brandin, and Christine Nguyen. This scene makes the movie worth watching. It also makes life worth living. Brandin and Christine pile up on Jayden and make her the center of their Sapphic attention. There is a lot of kissing and breast licking here which is what makes softcore movies the treasure they (sometimes) are.

So if you're up late one night and you need a tall woman in your life, give "Bikini Frankenstein" a look. Jayden Cole is a woman of action and gets a lot of it. Even if you can't stay awake to watch the whole thing, be sure to set your alarm clock so you can catch the last twenty minutes. Forget about a good night's sleep because there's a Jayden three-way scene that you have got to see.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 two-piece Jaydens

"Avenging Angel" review

Avenging Angel (1985)

Director: Robert Vincent O'Neill
Writers: Joseph Michael Cala Robert Vincent O'Neill

Betsy Russell ... Molly "Angel" Stewart
Rory Calhoun ... Kit Carson
Susan Tyrrell ... Solly Mosler
Ossie Davis ... Captain Harry Moradian
Robert F. Lyons ... Lt. Hugh Andrews
Steven M. Porter ... Yo-Yo Charlie
Paul Lambert ... Arthur Gerrard
Barry Pearl ... Johnny Glitter
Estee Chandler ... Cindy

I bought this video for three bucks. Angel is no longer a high school student by day, Hollywood hooker by night. Now she is a law school student by day, Hollywood homebody by night. But since this would make for a boring movie, Angel's life has to get a little more exciting at night. The cop who saved her from the nightmarish Hollywood streets is gunned down trying to save a topless female cop. At least he died for a good cause. Angel decides to go back on the streets to find his killer. So with the help of her goofy friends, Angel hits the mean streets of LA to find out who is up to no good in Hollywood.

"Avenging Angel" is the sequel to the brilliantly marketed but ultimately disappointing exploitation flick "Angel". "Angel" was pretty light on the sleazy scenes I'd expect to see from a Hollywood hooker with a gun movie. So after giving up another three bucks to watch the sequel, I have to wonder why I'm surprised "Avenging Angel" was also fairly routine for a faux Hollywood hooker with a gun movie. When you're a B-movie maniac, hope comes in all forms. Sometimes, it's in a tattered video box holding a sequel to a movie you weren't too thrilled about to begin with. Sometimes, your love for cheap thrills leads you astray. So when you see a video box cover with a hooker holding a gun, you know what needs to be done.

"Avenging Angel" is a lame attempt at humor and action as Angel tries to muscle her way through a Hollywood goon squad. Once again, Angel does not get naked even though she is ostensibly a Hollywood hooker. She's not even trying at this point. She just wants to exact revenge while wearing high heels and hot pants. Killing is more comfortable that way. The only true exploitation scene is at the beginning where a female cop gets shot in her apartment. Before she gets wasted, there are some nice lingering scenes of her getting out of the shower and putting her clothes on. "Avenging Angel" needed this scene. Actually, I wanted Angel to get revenge for the topless cop instead of her mentor. I was quite sad when she left the movie.

The rest of "Avenging Angel" has Angel in various states of distress as her and her crazy cowboy friend, (Rory Calhoun), have shootout after shootout with various anonymous thugs. It moves along at a fairly steady pace but doesn't deliver the necessary bang for the three bucks. It was worth about $1.25. It can be skipped.

One last thought, the one good thing I can say about "Avenging Angel" is that it was interesting to see the Hollywood Blvd scene in all its 1985 glory. "Avenging Angel" does make for an entertaining time capsule. There was a theater showing Prince's "Purple Rain". There was also a poster for Clint Eastwood's "Tightrope". But aside from the hairstyles and clothes, the most significant aspect of the 80's on display were the actual hookers walking Hollywood Blvd. Those days are long gone. I know this because I drive down Hollywood Blvd all the time and I can assure you that the hookers are not on the Boulevard anymore. Not that I'm looking for them mind you, but the working girls are now on the internet selling their wares. There couldn't be any more "Angel" sequels as it would involve Angel setting up dates over a secure internet connection and asking for references. If their credit card gets denied, Angel goes berserk. But since Angel never has sex in these movies anyway, it's really no big loss.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 armed Angels

"Chained Heat II" review

Chained Heat II (1993)

Director: Lloyd A. Simandl
Writer: Chris Hyde

Brigitte Nielsen ... Magda Kassar
Paul Koslo ... Franklin Goff
Kimberley Kates ... Alex Morrison
Kari Whitman ... Suzanne Morrison
Jana Svandová ... Rosa Schmidt
Marek Vasut ... Stefan Lotsky
Lucie Benesová ... Tina Lukof (as Lucie Benes)
Markéta Hrubesová ... Carla

An innocent girl has been thrown into prison. She is a sweet, virginal girl who has been framed for drug smuggling. They send her to the toughest woman's prison movie set they can find. She arrives at warden Brigitte Nielsen's private dungeon. Warden Nielsen likes to run a nice and sleazy prison. The girls are used and abused on a regular basis. Since there's money to be made in prostitution and pornography, why shouldn't Brigitte get a taste? She whores the girls out to the highest bidder and gets to taste the merchandise when the mood strikes her. She's in the mood a lot. There's another story going on about the innocent victim's sister trying to get the evidence she needs to free her but since it doesn't involve S&M chains and prisoner exploitation, it's not as interesting. It all ends in an orgy of violence as the girls strike back at warden Brigitte's excessive debauchery.

"Chained Heat II" is an acceptable entry in the mightiest of all exploitation genres, the woman's prison movie. There isn't a better vehicle to showcase excessive female nudity and wanton violence then shoving the cast onto a cheap set, making them wear tattered rags, (although all of these prisoners wear green short skirts), and letting the ladies run wild through the prison. All of the usual scenes are here. The shower scene, the random nudity scenes, the random violent scenes and random scenes of the corrupt warden indulging in various debased sexual acts. These random scenes somehow coalesce into a movie that is fairly painless to sit through.

The most important character in a woman's prison movie is the warden. Brigitte Nielson is the amazon warrior who runs the prison and she does a fine job. She likes to be submissive to her homicidal sidekick, Rosa. Rosa hates all living things and delights in causing the inmates as much anguish as she can. But the main character in a woman's prison flick is almost always a nice, sweet girl who will have to toughen up to survive. The poor, innocent girl needs to find an understanding friend who will comfort her in her darkest hour. And by comfort her, I mean that they need to have hot sweaty sex on the cell room floor. This genre is set in stone and any deviations will not be tolerated.

Unfortunately, this is where "Chained Heat II" falters. While there are some decent exploitation scenes to enjoy, the filmmakers fail to follow the two most basic woman's prison movie rules. The first one clearly states that there will be some sort of lesbian activity behind bars. The girls need to find a release for their pain and their cell mates should be there to help. When I saw the innocent girl and her friend end up in solitary confinement together, I was sure the filmmakers had set this scene up for the eventual Sapphic payoff. I was wrong. Instead, we are treated to a scene of the ladies talking and the nice girl giving her friend a necklace to remember her. I was shocked at the lack of exploitation in that scene but felt the movie would bounce back with Warden Nielsen.

I was wrong again. The second woman's prison rule this movie violates is failing to let their star get naked. Warden Nielsen does not have any nude scenes. For shame. Although she does have some interesting scenes playing a submissive to various dominating women, it doesn't make up for the lack of Brigitte in this film. I had dreams of Brigitte towering over some prisoners in the shower as she makes them wash her back. But my dreams went down the drain.

"Chained Heat II" is for the undiscriminating woman's prison lover. It doesn't provide all of the necessary thrills associated with the genre but it does manage to be mildly entertaining in its own sordid way. I would have liked to have seen a little more Brigitte stalking the prison halls but you can't have everything. It's worth a look if you're in need of a WIP fix. If not, it can be skipped.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Brigitte's in chains

"Bikini Girls on Ice" review

Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)

Director: Geoff Klein
Writers: Geoff Klein Jeff Ross

Suzi Lorraine... Kelly
Kerri Taylor... Nikki
Cindel Chartrand... Jenna
Ivan Peric... Tommy
Jarek Gader... Blake
Christina Sciortino... Lena
Caroline Faille... Brooke
William Jarand... Moe
Melissa Paulson... Kate

I was sent this DVD. I wasn't expecting it but there it was. "Bikini Girls on Ice". Clearly, this was a movie I was meant to see. Someone out there knew I needed to experience this very important film. What wonders were in store for me? Would there be bikini girls? Would they be on ice? What does Bikini Girls on Ice mean anyway? I didn't have anything more important to do that fateful day but find out for myself.

A girl's soccer team is stranded at a maniac's gas station. They were on their way to a bikini car wash when their bus broke down. The girl's decide to make the most out of their predicament and have the car wash outside the psycho's front door. Anyone who dares to venture inside the gas station is greeted by the mad killer Moe. Moe the maniac likes to kill bikini girls and stick them in his cooler. They become bikini girls on ice. Half the soccer team will be slaughtered inside the tiny gas station before anyone realizes they're stuck in a horror movie. The bikini girls start running and screaming in circles in a desperate attempt to escape the mad clutches of Moe.

"Bikini Girls on Ice" was a B-movie with potential. It piqued my interest with thoughts of bikini girls and car washes and the inevitable slashers that these exploitation elements create. But there is a fatal flaw in this movie which kills the entertainment value of watching dead bikini girls shoved into freezers. It's something I find myself lamenting far more often than I should. Shamefully, there isn't any nudity at the bikini car wash. Yet another B-movie tragedy.

So without naked bikini girls to enjoy, what other visual thrills does this movie have to offer? Not much I'm afraid. The filmmakers found an abandoned gas station and decided to build a slasher flick around it. People keep walking into the building and then promptly get attacked by Moe. There is no logical way that all of these people could get slaughtered without anyone hearing it. The gas station is barely large enough to walk through and Moe likes to scream and shout when he's butchering bodies. Fifty minutes go by before anyone realizes that something is amiss in the old gas station. The remaining bikini girls, (two), scream and run from room to room, (three), in a desperate attempt to get the horror movie started. It's too late bikini girl.

"Bikini Girls on Ice" is a dud. It's not scary, has almost no gore, and, most importantly, there are no naked bikini babes. I suppose you could appreciate the fact that the title didn't lie. There were plenty of bikini girls. And yes, Moe did put a lot of the dead ones in a cooler full of ice. But other than that, "Bikini Girls on Ice" doesn't have much in the way of thrilling entertainment to offer. It can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 frozen bikini girls

"Vampz" review

Vampz (2004)

Director: Steve Lustgarten

Terrence Flack ... Sweet
Terrence Atkins
Lamik Blake ... Keith
Tawanna Browne
Chantal Lashon ... Cleo
Raymond Parker ... Fred
Serria Tawan ... Lillith

"Vampz" is about black vampire hookers. Three black beauties decide to open a massage parlor so that their prey will come knocking on their door. Their plan works perfectly as men show up at their lair and are promptly slaughtered. They'd be disemboweling horny tricks to this day if it weren't for those meddling vampire hunting cops. They're on the lookout for the cop's cheating wife who likes white guys and lesbian vampires. Basically anyone who's not her husband. Some women are so hard to please. It all ends in a showdown to the death with as much gore and violence as the filmmakers could afford.

Black vampire hookers. I like writing that. "Vampz" certainly seemed like the exploitation movie for me. I wasn't expecting much from it. Just some good times with the vampire hookers. That's all I wanted. While "Vampz" has some entertaining qualities, there is one simple fact about this movie which will doom it to obscurity forever. The vampire hookers do not get naked. You wouldn't think it would be possible to have sex wearing your lingerie but you'd be wrong. When you've lived as a vampire for thousands of years, you learn a thing or two.

It's a shame the filmmakers couldn't convince the vampire babes to drop their clothes as "Vampz" could have been a pretty decent B-movie. I'm shocked to tell you this, but "Vampz" wasn't terrible. It had some fun scenes, (including a brief lesbian kissing scene), it kept moving along and it provided as much blood and guts as a hundred bucks will buy you. But I knew when I saw these women that they were not going to fulfill their B-movie destiny and get naked. They were too attractive. They looked too good for this movie. There was no way the filmmakers could afford to pay these women to disrobe and still have twenty dollars left over for blood effects.

So the filmmakers decided to forgo the expense of having naked vampire hookers in their vampire hooker movie and instead spent their money on cheap gore effects. This was the wrong call. Especially considering one of the vampire babes was a Playboy Playmate, (Serria Tawan). I'm sure she would have been fine with being all the vampire hooker she could be. Why did they hold her back?

While "Vampz" has some fun scenes and beautiful women to look at, it doesn't need to be seen. Although I can give it some points for filming near where my friend used to live. "Vampz" seemed to have been filmed all over Los Feliz, Silver Lake and Hollywood Blvd. There's one scene near a Rite -Aid that was shot near New Hampshire and Hollywood. I used to go there all the time. But then the movie goes back to fully clothed vampire hookers and I lose interest.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 seductive black women

"Samurai Princess" review

Samurai Princess (2009)
AKA Samurai purinsesu: Gedô-hime

Director: Kengo Kaji
Writers: Sôtarô Hayashi Kengo Kaji

Yû Aiba
Takeshi Ayabe
Miki Hirase
Mitsuru Karahashi
Asuka Kataoka
Aino Kishi
Mihiro

"Samurai Princess" starts off with a severed head rolling on the ground. This leads to a brief swordfight in which the Samurai Princess slices and dices an outlaw into little bits. Then his little bits end up in a boiling pot where his partners in crime unwittingly chow down on his remains. The Princess decides to kill the cretins by pulling out their brains and throwing a naked breast grenade at them. Of course she does. What else would a revenge-minded Mecha do? What's a Mecha you ask? A Mecha is some sort of Frankenstein replicant pieced together from body parts and lost souls. There is a mad artist roaming through this cheap movie looking for severed limbs that he can transform into humanoid monsters. He stumbles upon a girl who's been brutally raped and left for dead. She wants to live again so that she can thrash her attackers into oblivion. So with the convenient help of a Buddhist nun, the mad artist is able to bring his creation to life. This leads to much blood and guts as the Princess takes her revenge on humans and Mechas alike.

I had rented "Samurai Princess" because of its amazing plot summary. Allow me to quote it to you now. "When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades souls...". I made it as far as "adult video star" before deciding that this was the movie for me. I was excited by the exploitation movie possibilities a raped porno star turned robot assassin story could provide. Who wouldn't be?

But the actual film turns out to be a little disappointing. It would be hard to live up to its outrageous exploitative summary but I thought "Samurai Princess" would be a little more extreme than what it was. The movie turns out to be a series of randomly goofy gore scenes which make little to no sense. Mechas and Artists. Robots and Outlaws. What does it all mean?

"Samurai Princess" follows in the footsteps of another Asian action flick, "Machine Girl", in which women get their revenge on humanity by combining their body with machinery. The results can be devastating. Long live the new flesh. But "Samurai Princess" is so cheap and shoddy that they couldn't afford to waste money on anything other than blood and body parts. The mass rape scene is very tame and the porno star did not live up to the high standards I had set for her. You have to have standards. There is one sex scene but its fairly uneventful. The rest of the movie consists of Mechas, artists and outlaws doing battle for no other reason than to splash some blood on the screen.

"Samurai Princess" was made for the undiscerning gore lover. If you need to see an incoherent movie with some cut-rate gore, "Samurai Princess" might be the movie for you. As for me, "Samurai Princess" gave me some cheap thrills but it wasn't enough to satisfy me. I'm a discerning gore lover. I need a little more than Mechas throwing breast bombs at their enemies. I don't need much more mind you. Maybe a breast flame thrower. Now there's a movie. "Samurai Incinerator". Now we're talking sense.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Mecha mayhem

Mecha girl

Mecha's love brains.

"Trick 'r Treat" review

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

Director: Michael Dougherty
Writer: Michael Dougherty

Dylan Baker... Steven
Rochelle Aytes... Maria
Quinn Lord... Sam / Peeping Tommy
Lauren Lee Smith... Danielle
Moneca Delain... Janet
Isabelle Deluce... Sara
Anna Paquin... Laurie
Brian Cox... Mr. Kreeg
Leslie Bibb... Emma

It's Halloween and you better respect the traditions. "Trick 'r Treat" has four interwoven tales of murder and mayhem set in a small town on Halloween night. There's an elementary school principal who likes to give kids tricks instead of treats. Then there's four hot girls who want to throw a party in the woods with some willing victims. On the other side of town, a bunch of kids like telling ghost stories but they may see their nightmares come true. Finally there's an old man who disdains Halloween and meets a maniacal midget who has taken it upon himself to attack anyone who dares to insult his favorite holiday.

"Trick 'r Treat" continues the horror anthology movie tradition set by such films as "Creepshow" and "Tales from the Darkside". While I wouldn't say it was as good as "Creepshow", "Trick 'r Treat" turns out to be an enjoyable horror movie. I'm surprised that this didn't go to theaters. This would have been a perfect movie to release during Halloween. "Trick 'r Treat" gives Halloween the respect it deserves and provides horror fans with an entertaining horror flick.

Of course, there's not anything terribly original about "Trick 'r Treat". Most of these stories have been told in one form or another over the years. But "Trick 'r Treat" keeps the stories moving along as the town learns the importance of respecting the festival of Samuin. Did you know that pumpkin carving is linked to an ancient Celtic tradition? It was done so that pumpkins could be put in windows in order to ward off evil spirits. They believed that Samuin was the one day a year where the spirit world could pass through into our world. So they wore costumes and masks to ward off harmful ghosts.

It's this attention to Halloween details that the townspeople don't respect. They'll pay dearly for it. When the little sack-headed killer sees a woman blow out her pumpkin before Halloween is over, he shows her a few nasty tricks with his lollipop. Later he attacks a grumpy old man, (Brian Cox), after his contempt for Halloween becomes clear. The attack of the maniacal midget turns out to be the highlight of "Trick 'r Treat". It has the most blood and scares in the movie. The sack-headed killer is an angry little guy but I admire his dedication to his job.

The other tales of terror are fine but they don't pack as much of a shock as the mad midget story. The principal is a fiend with the kids, the visiting party girls are predictably hot and get into predictable trouble and the pranksters cause some havoc that comes back to haunt them. All of these stories play out to their obvious conclusion. They're fun but predictable horror stories.

Overall, "Trick 'r Treat" is a fun horror movie. It doesn't have excessive gore or blood but it has just enough to make it a worthwhile horror flick. I had a good time. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sack-headed killers
Red Riding Hood? Snow White? Little Bo Peep or Cinderella? Decisions, decisions.