"Apocalypto" review

Apocalypto (2006)

Directed by Mel Gibson
Writing credits Mel Gibson Farhad Safinia

Rudy Youngblood .... Jaguar Paw
Dalia Hernandez .... Seven
Jonathan Brewer .... Blunted
Morris Birdyellowhead .... Flint Sky
Carlos Emilio Baez .... Turtles Run

“Apocalypto” is one of the greatest jungle exploitation movies ever made. “Cannibal Holocaust” still rules the jungle but “Apocalypto” comes in a close second. Ruggero Deodato should be proud of the carnage he's helped inspire. We’ve come a long way from the days of “Cannibal Holocaust”. While Deodato’s film was vilified for excessive violence, Gibson’s movie may win awards.

“Apocalypto” is a bloody action movie. The only thing unique about it is that it has subtitles. The plot is no different than any movie starring Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Mel Gibson. A man of peace, (“The Patriot”), has his family attacked in the jungle. While his pregnant wife and child stay behind at the village, he is dragged to a decadent city to be sacrificed. The rest of the movie has our hero using the jungle to get his revenge against his monstrous enemies, (“Predator”).

Mel Gibson is clearly a man who loves violence. I have only one thing to say about it. (Homer Simpson voice) WOO-HOO! “Apocalypto” was full of blood, guts, severed heads, hungry jaguars, and many scenes of sadism and dead bodies. I was in tears when I was watching it. Tears of joy! Here’s a man who explicitly understands what action fans want to see. My dad and I called each other after watching it. “How about those severed heads? After the third one rolled down the stairs, I was cheering.” There’s nothing like a violent jungle action movie to bring a family together.

So if you’re in the mood to see some jungle carnage, I strongly recommend “Apocalypto”. Don’t go into this movie thinking you’re going to get a thinking man’s discourse on the fall of the Mayan civilization. This is not a history lesson. "Apocalypto" showcases Mel Gibson’s skills in filming action and carnage. He does both very well.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 revenge-crazed action heros

"Shock-O-Rama" review

Shock-O-Rama (2006)

Directed by Brett Piper
Writing credits Brett Piper

Erin Brown .... Rebecca Raven (as Misty Mundae)
Julian Wells
Erika Smith
Caitlin Ross
A.J. Khan

Ahh, Misty Mundae. Sweet, innocent… hey…wait a minute. What is this? Erin Brown? Misty Mundae is now called Erin Brown? When did this start? I have to call her Erin Brown? Erin Brown. Erin Brown. No, no. It’s just not working for me. She’ll always be Misty Mundae to me. There’s no escaping the past as I suspect she’ll be kissing girls in movies no matter what name she gives herself. That’s not such a bad life.

Anyway, this brings me to “Shock-O-Rama”. The movie feels like Misty Mundae’s kiss off to Seduction Cinema. They got the Mundae kiss of death. Its three movies wrapped around the gripping tale of Rebecca Raven, (Misty Mundae), getting tired of making B-movies and deciding to give her bread and butter the finger. I was amused to hear Mundae’s tirade against her fans. This scene sounded like Mundae getting a lot of frustration off of her chest. You know, the usual B-movie star griping about how all her fans are losers and they simply like her because they can masturbate furiously watching her movies in mommy’s basement. Well, if it makes her feel any better, I treat my mommy’s basement with the utmost respect. I would never watch one of her movies there. Now at my apartment, that’s a whole other party! My neighbors have to bang on the wall to get me to turn down her moans and sighs as she rubs herself all over some naked woman, usually Julian Wells. Good times man. Good times.

After storming out of the B-movie studio, Mundae heads off to the country to get some peace and quiet. Peace and quiet away from those stinking B-movie fans who only want to see her naked! Can you believe it?! Too bad for her that there’s one more fan waiting for her at the house, a blood thirsty zombie. He tries to put Mundae in the ground but she’ll have none of it. She is a B-movie star whether she likes it or not. She’ll show him who’s in charge of this movie.

Back at the studio, the bosses need to decide about whom they could possibly replace Raven/Mundae with. They watch two short movies in the hopes that some larger breasted woman will save their studio from ruin. The first one has Caitlin Ross and the big guy from “Screaming Dead” doing battle against some midget aliens in a junkyard. The studio head gets upset when Caitlin does not show off her beautiful breasts. Who can blame him? The second movie has Julian Wells conducting dangerous sleep experiments on A.J Khan and some other women. Unfortunately, the dreams do not involve a large all-girl orgy but instead are all about scaring the subject to death. There is a lot of nudity in this section of “Shock-O-Rama” as Julian, A.J. and Caitlin all excite the studio boss and me as well.

How about that Caitlin Ross? I was as dismayed as the studio head when she didn’t get naked with the midget aliens but then she bounces back in the Julian Wells section. Yeah, she’s walking around naked while covered in blood. That’s what I like to see. I’m a believer. A.J. Khan shows up as a guinea pig for Julian Wells sleep experiments. Her first dream has her walking around in a school girl uniform. You've got to love that. And I do! Julian takes an interest in her and becomes a horny Freddy Krueger in A.J.’s nightmare on Wells Street. It’s always good to see Julian play the serious doctor/scientist type who wears glasses and has her hair up. Of course we all know why filmmakers have “smart girls” look like that. So that Julian can slowly take off her glasses and shake her hair down when she's ready to get frisky.I love that. Wells is good in her section as an evil Dr. Feelgood. She gets naked a lot and there is much rejoicing.

“Shock-O-Rama” is a fun flick. I enjoyed it. It’s especially fun if you’re a B-movie fan who has seen more Misty Mundae movies than you should. You could take it as a goodbye from Misty Mundae or you could just enjoy it for the B-movie stew that it is. Either way, it’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 angry Mundaes There she is.
You know who. Ooooo, Dr. Julian. Makes me say mmmmmmmm...yes doctor.

"Exorcist: The Beginning" review

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)

Directed by Renny Harlin
Writing credits William Wisher Jr.

Stellan Skarsgård .... Father Merrin
Izabella Scorupco .... Sarah
James D'Arcy .... Father Francis
Remy Sweeney .... Joseph
Julian Wadham .... Major Granville
Andrew French .... Chuma

I was in Florida when this movie came out. I was just about to leave when Hurricane Frances came rolling straight at me. I wasn't going anywhere. We spent all day putting up storm shutters to try to stay ahead of the destruction barreling our way. We had to improvise a little bit when the brain surgeons who installed the shutters forgot to give us a crucial piece. So where there once would be shutters, there was plywood. I had never lived through a hurricane before. If you want to experience death knocking on your door, window, roof, etc., I recommend going through a Category 2 hurricane. For even more fun, we tried walking the dogs during the storm. When the second branch wizzed by my head, I decided it was time to hide from Frances. Ahh, good times.

So you're asking yourself, what does any of this have to do with "Exorcist: The Beginning"? One word: Apocalypse. Father Merrin heads to Africa. There's something funky happening in a buried church. What the heck is going on? Is there a demon involved who wants to possess people? Is the movie called "The Exorcist"?

I thoroughly enjoyed "Exorcist: the Beginning". It's not a great movie but it has its charming B-movie ways. There are plenty of vicious gore scenes to keep your mind occupied as you wait for the Exorcism scene. That scene is the key to the movie's success.

*SPOILER ON ENDING*

So throughout the movie, we think that the little kid is possessed by a demon. As I'm looking at the kid, I realize that he won't be able to handle acting like he's possessed by a scary demon with a deep voice. He's just not a good enough actor. So I resigned myself to another mediocre horror movie ending. Then, in a pure B-movie madness moment, the filmmakers let the woman with the heaving breasts be the demon's plaything. YES!!! Good call! The Exorcism scene lasts for about twenty minutes and it has all the right ingredients. Foul mouthed demon, deep voice, slinking on walls and large demonic breasts all make for a satisfying conclusion.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Florida apocalypses

"Silver Bullet" review

Silver Bullet (1985)

Directed by Daniel Attias
Writing credits Stephen King

Gary Busey .... Uncle Red
Everett McGill .... Reverend Lowe
Corey Haim .... Marty Coslaw
Megan Follows .... Jane Coslaw

"Silver Bullet" is a werewolf movie done right.

Marty, (Corey Haim), is a handicapped kid with a snotty sister and the coolest Uncle in the world, (Gary Busey). I would have liked to have had an Uncle like that. One that would have bought me beer, dangerous fireworks and various other life threatening thrills. Sigh. Of course I didn't. But that is neither here nor there. Gary Busey is Marty's best friend. But even he has trouble believing that Marty did battle with a werewolf. His drunken Uncle is the only grown-up who can possibly help.

This movie is great for two reasons. One is Gary Busey. This must be one of his best roles. He should play a good guy more often. He's great in this one. Secondly, the werewolf is shown as an evil blood thirsty beast, not as some misunderstood, confused human who happens to get hairy when the moon is full. A lot of werewolf movies show the action from the werewolf's point of view. Empathy with the beast is always bad. Here we have our heroes trying to solve the bloodbath mysteries by looking for the wolf in human skin.

"Silver Bullet" is also respectful of the werewolf legend. The title says it all: You need a Silver Bullet to kill a werewolf. Period. The End. I hate it when movies mess with the legends for these monsters. The rules for killing them are etched in movie stone.

Very enjoyable werewolf flick. Busey and the Beast.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Uncle Buseys

"Mimic: Sentinel" review

Mimic: Sentinel (2003)

Directed by J.T. Petty
Writing credits J.T. Petty

Karl Geary .... Marvin
Alexis Dziena .... Rosy
Keith Robinson .... Desmond
Rebecca Mader .... Carmen
Amanda Plummer .... Simone
John Kapelos .... Detective Gary Dumars
Lance Henriksen .... Garbageman

If these mimics get any better with their camouflage, they’re going to have to rename the movie “Clone”. The mimics are back...again. The filmmakers weren't happy with the direction the "Mimic" movies were heading in so they decided to run the franchise into a wall. So there's an environmentally sensitive guy hanging out in his apartment taking pictures. I mean, a lot of pictures. As he looks out his REAR WINDOW, he notices strange Mimic shenanigans below. Why won't anyone believe him?! Could it be because he is one of the most annoying movie characters I've ever laid eyes on? Yes! Mimics do their Mimic thing and Bubble Boy becomes a Mimic voyeur.

The "Mimic: Sentinel" fatality is the lead character. I can't feel sorry for him. I can't feel anything for him. Bubble Boy is the key to this movie's failure. So when the Mimics finally get around to doing something, the camera shifts back on him so we can catch his reaction to the Mimic Street below. All I could think was, Hey stupid! Take a stinking picture instead of standing there like an idiot! Isn't that your hobby? Your life? What the heck good are you? In one scene, he knocks on his mother's door to dish out some coitus interruptus. The poor mom hasn't had sex in forever and her annoying 20-something kid bangs on the door to babble something about Mimics. All of this adds up to the makings of a very unlovable main character. Worthless and whining creep. I was rooting for the Mimics to finish him off.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hungry for bubble boy mimics

"The Missing" review

The Missing (2003)

Directed by Ron Howard
Writing credits Ken Kaufman

Tommy Lee Jones .... Samuel Jones a.k.a Chaa-duu-ba-its-iidan
Cate Blanchett .... Maggie Gilkeson
Evan Rachel Wood .... Lilly Gilkeson
Jenna Boyd .... Dot Gilkeson
Aaron Eckhart.... Brake Baldwin
Val Kilmer .... Lt. Jim Ducharme

Cate Blanchett is Dr Quinn at her little house on the prairie. Tommy Lee Jones is her surly father who wants to make up with her on the advice of his witch doctor. Speaking of mysticism, a gang of Indians led by a Medicine Man kidnaps one of Cate's daughters. The daughter is "The Missing". Blanchett and Jones go searching for her. They are "The Searchers".

First, let me say that the missing girl was not worth saving. That's the first strike against "The Missing". She was annoying and stupid. Two people were killed because of her idiocy. She did not endear herself to me. She could stay missing.

But Blanchett and Jones seemed to like her so they rode on after her. I sat there wondering what their plan was to get this girl back from the Indians. I thought, "How would Clint Eastwood have handled this?" I'm certain Clint wouldn't have brought a little girl with him nor would he have wasted two seconds trying to buy the girl back. Jones was a man of inaction. He's bargaining with the Indians? "Please Medicine Man; Can I have my kidnapped granddaughter back? Pretty please?" Yeesh. Sickening. Clint would have wasted all of them and taken the prettiest girl for himself.

So there is something missing from "The Missing". Let's see, how about characters you care about, action set pieces that are exciting, etc. However, they did manage to make the Indians appropriately mean and brutal. They were professional slave traders. There could have been a good exploitative western here but instead we get Grandpa Jones and his inept battle plan.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 missing brats

"Private Parts" review

Private Parts (1997)

Directed by Betty Thomas
Writing credits Len Blum

Howard Stern .... Howard Stern
Robin Quivers .... Robin Quivers
Mary McCormack .... Alison Stern
Fred Norris .... Fred Norris
Paul Giamatti .... Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton

"Private Parts" is the life story of Howard Stern. As told through the eyes of...Howard Stern. A bit one sided? Hmmm…yeah.

Howard Stern is a jerk. But that's good because that's what his audience wants to hear. Stern being a jerk to celebrities, porno stars and anyone else who walks on his radio show. His sidekick Robin laughs at his jokes and tries to rein him in a bit if he goes too far. Nothing fazes Stern as he proceeds to rip into anybody who tries to touch his radio show. But he's still a nice guy. Honest! The man may be a pig on the air but it's all just an act. He really, really loves his wife! Stern says so! It must be true!

So Stern weaves a valentine to his wife with "Private Parts". He may act loathsome sometimes but his heart is in the right place. "Private Parts" also sends some hate mail to one of his old bosses, "Pig Vomit". The scenes where Stern and Giamatti went at each other were hilarious. Paul Giamatti did a great job.

"Private Parts" is a funny flick. The phone sex scene was boobtastic. Overall, I enjoyed it. I'm just not sure how much I buy his nice guy routine. If his radio show is "Just an act", what's his movie? The truth? Nahhh...

SCORE: 3 out of 4 not so private Sterns

"Pearl Harbor" review

Pearl Harbor (2001)

Directed by Michael Bay
Writing credits Randall Wallace

Ben Affleck .... Capt. Rafe McCawley
Josh Hartnett .... Capt. Danny Walker
Kate Beckinsale .... Nurse Lt. Evelyn Johnson
Cuba Gooding Jr. .... Petty Officer Doris Miller
Jon Voight .... President Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Alec Baldwin .... Lt. Col. James Doolittle
Tom Sizemore .... Sgt. Earl Sistern

"Pearl Harbor" has one great battle scene. About forty five minutes into it, the battle of Pearl Harbor is shown. It's fantastic. I was surprised that it came so early because I knew "Pearl Harbor" was an "epic" and had a long way to go. Apparently they couldn't bear to end the movie on a downbeat note so the flick goes on to show the Americans striking back at the Japanese. I can live with that amount of cheese. But the super helping of double cheese that is the love triangle choked me to death. It smothers "Pearl Harbor".

It's a shame too because the battle scene is so good. I couldn't bear to watch this movie again because of that super fake love story. Now putting a love story in a war movie is not in and of itself a bad thing. But the makers of this flick have no concept of real human emotions. Everything they know about love comes from watching other movies. Bad movies too. Corny is putting it nicely. Making love in the parachute room? Come on man. Bleech. There are more examples of cheese but it's not worth going into. It was too much and too fake.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 love disasters

"Six Days Seven Nights" review

Six Days Seven Nights (1998)

Directed by Ivan Reitman
Writing credits Michael Browning

Harrison Ford .... Quinn Harris
Anne Heche .... Robin Monroe
David Schwimmer .... Frank Martin
Jacqueline Obradors .... Angelica

Anne Heche and Harrison Ford are trapped on a deserted island. Ahh, romance must be in the air. Well, actually it's not. The "happy" couple bickers and argues and hilarity does not ensue. Some pirates get thrown into the mix in a desperate attempt to inject some action into the proceedings. No plot device can save this film from mediocrity.

There is a bright, shining lie in this flick which strains creditability to the breaking point: There is not a man alive who would give up a life with Jacqueline Obradors for one with uptight Anne Heche. No amount of time spent on an island prison is going to change his mind.

So I'm sitting there watching Ford and Heche go through the motions of falling in love and all I could think about was how lucky Schwimmer was back on the island with Obradors. Ford should have slapped together a bamboo raft and paddled as hard as he could to get back to his mamacita. Heche is attractive in her own way but comparing a life with her to one with Obradors is a no-brainer. Obradors all the way. Ford must have had no brain or else it was fried from the jungle heat.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 island babe Obradors

"Dracula III: Legacy" review

Dracula III: Legacy (2005)

Directed by Patrick Lussier
Writing credits Joel Soisson Patrick Lussier

Jason Scott Lee .... Father Uffizi
Jason London .... Luke
Roy Scheider .... Cardinal Siqueros
Diane Neal .... Elizabeth Blaine
Alexandra Wescourt .... Julia Hughes
Rutger Hauer .... Dracula
Stephen Billington .... Dracula (flashback)

Why can't anyone make normal vampire flicks anymore? Why does every movie try to swing for the fences? I would love to see a straight up the middle vampire movie again. "Fright Night" is a good example of an entertaining vampire movie. "Dracula III" is another in a long line of goofy vampire slayer movies that bite off more than they can chew.

So a vampire slayer goes to Romania with his annoying sidekick. They are there to look for a lost girl and kill Dracula. Apparently Dracula is trying to take over the entire country! There is a whole rebel army trying to wipe him out. So our slayers wander around the countryside, killing vampires when they can, until they stumble upon Dracula's lair. Could he be staying at the big scary castle which is the only thing that exists at the end of the only road out of town? Possibly.

"Dracula III" has some good points. There's some decent blood and gore, a few cool fight scenes and a particularly sleazy blood sucking party at Dracula's pad. I guess Dracula's ladies would rather suck each other's blood than have to actually go out and get some themselves.

But "Dracula III" is so relentlessly stupid and edited so badly that I started to lose interest in it by the fifteen minute mark. While I've never seen a vampire attack somebody while wearing a mask and walking on stilts, I still have to wonder why a vampire would think that that's a good idea. He wouldn't of course but the filmmakers thought it would look cool. That sums up "Dracula III". It's a collection of random vampire scenes that were stapled together to give the illusion of a coherent movie.

Unless you desperately need to see vampires getting wasted, it can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 holy slayers

"The Crazies" review

The Crazies (1973)

Directed by George A. Romero
Writing credits Paul McCollough George A. Romero

Lane Carroll .... Judy
Will MacMillan .... David (as W.G. McMillan)
Harold Wayne Jones .... Clank
Lloyd Hollar .... Colonel Peckem
Lynn Lowry .... Kathy Bolman

A virus gets released into the water supply of a small town. The army seals off the town in order to stop the outbreak. "Trixie" the virus drives people insane. The townspeople become "The Crazies". Or is the military "The Crazies"? Am I crazy for buying this DVD?

"The Crazies" is a well made film. Unfortunately, it is far too ambitious for its budget. It wanted it all: Nuclear weapons, town quarantine, army divisions, mass riots, and general craziness all on a shoestring budget. It was cheap and it showed. It tried its best but in the end it was unsatisfying. It's the kind of flick where if a helicopter goes down, you'll see it fly out of sight and then a puff of smoke will rise to simulate a crash landing. It had a few decent gore effects but not enough to save it.

But what really disappointed me about this movie was how not crazy "The Crazies" were. If everyone affected by the virus had become a homicidal maniac then I might have been satisfied. But the virus affected people in different ways. Very lame ways. Take Lynn Lowry's character. When the crazy virus attacked her, it released her inner flower child. She wasn't really crazy. It was more like she was high. She should have been lunging for the army men's throats; not skipping along the grass to her doom.

"The Crazies" is a well directed thriller but too cheap and too tame to be really worthwhile. It needed an injection of cash and carnage.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 crazies killing crazies

"Ginger Snaps Back" review

Ginger Snaps Back (2004)

Directed by Grant Harvey
Writing credits Stephen Massicotte Christina Ray

Katharine Isabelle .... Ginger Fitzgerald
Emily Perkins .... Brigitte Fitzgerald
Nathaniel Arcand .... The Hunter/The Indian
JR Bourne .... James
Hugh Dillon .... Reverend Gilbert
Adrien Dorval .... Seamus

My brother and I rented this one. Poor Ginger. She just can't get a break. No matter what time period she's in, she just keeps snapping. She's a surly teenage 21st century girl, she snaps. She's trying to help her sister, she snaps. She's a surly teenage 19th century girl, she snaps. Snap, snap, snap. The next sequel should propel Ginger into the future. "Ginger Snaps Forward". How about Ginger in a space station on the moon? She could snap everyday! She looks outside the space station, "Full moon...Again? RARRRRRHH!!"

As "Ginger Snaps" flicks go, this one was my favorite. "Ginger Snaps Back" is a straight forward B-movie. The sisters run into a fort that is being besieged by werewolves. Ginger gets attacked and starts to slowly snap under werewolf pressure. The rest of the movie has plenty of blood and guts as Ginger indulges her animal instincts. I had a good time.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 snapping Gingers

"They" review

They (2002)

Directed by Robert Harmon Rick Bota
Writing credits Brendan Hood

Laura Regan .... Julia Lund
Marc Blucas .... Paul Loomis
Ethan Embry .... Sam Burnside
Dagmara Dominczyk .... Terry Alba

Beware the PG-13 horror movie. It teases and teases but does not deliver. The concept was solid. Night terrors/beasts/things are attacking kids again after taking a break for a couple of years. So where was the payoff? Usually the characters have to go through the usual hoops where no one believes them, they must be crazy etc. This one never lets up and the grown kids are left to fend for themselves. It gets annoying after the third, "Here, rest awhile, you're just under stress" scene.

So where's the monster attack? All I saw were lights turning off and cars stopping. It was like they said, "Let's make things dark now and it will be scary. Who needs a monster?" Technically they were there but all I saw were blurs and shadows. No good.

Another downside is that I couldn't wait for the lead character to die. Couldn't wait. She did not inspire sympathy. Whine, whine, whine.

In a nutshell, weak.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 scary things happening off screen to characters I don't care about

"Frightmare" review

Frightmare (1974)

Directed by Pete Walker
Writing credits David McGillivray Pete Walker

Rupert Davies .... Edmund Yates
Sheila Keith .... Dorothy Yates
Deborah Fairfax .... Jackie
Paul Greenwood .... Graham
Kim Butcher .... Debbie

So a lot of psychobabble and screeching sisters happen in this flick. Basically it's all about family and the best possible care for psychotic relatives. It seems like Grandma nutcase might be having a "relapse" and has gone about doing what she does best. Kill, my pretties, kill! Oh, what is to be done about granny? What about the wayward sister? Let's analyze her too! The whole family is lopsided. That includes the main character Jackie for putting up with it all.

I guess what I'm saying is the whole family could have dropped dead and I wouldn't have cared. What exactly were we supposed to care about? Whether or not granny would be exposed or the little sister would find out? I'm not sure.

Sure there were a few bloody scenes but it all looked fake. Grandma attacking with her pitchfork is not what I would call pure terror. How anyone in the world could let themselves fall victim to her is beyond me. "Frightmare" was not frightening.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 granny attacks

"Beneath Loch Ness" review

Beneath Loch Ness (2001)

Directed by Chuck Comisky
Writing credits Shane Bitterling Chuck Comisky

Patrick Bergin .... Blay
Lysette Anthony .... Elizabeth
Brian Wimmer .... Case

Can you guess what is "Beneath Loch Ness"? If you guessed a Loch Ness Monster, give yourself a pat on the back and a cookie. A bunch of scientists find Nessie and decide to film it and then kill it. The F/X was terrible as was the movie. Boring and pointless. Some B-movies are just too ambitious for their own good. If you don't have enough money to show a cool Nessie, go make another movie. Like a killer dog flick. That's good and cheap.

One scene has a male and female scientist arguing and screaming at each other only to have the male scientist yell, "Is this because we were married?!" I had no idea they were divorced before he said that. I wondered why this was important to a Loch Ness Monster movie. Then I realized I didn't care if they were divorced but in love, just divorced, widowed, single or secretly married. It was an annoying plot point which took my mind away from an annoying movie.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 cheap Nessies

"Daredevil" review

Daredevil (2003)

Directed by Mark Steven Johnson
Writing credits Mark Steven Johnson

Ben Affleck .... Matt Murdock/Daredevil
Jennifer Garner .... Elektra Natchios
Colin Farrell .... Bullseye
Michael Clarke Duncan .... Wilson Fisk/The Kingpin
Jon Favreau .... Franklin 'Foggy' Nelson
Scott Terra .... Young Matt
Ellen Pompeo .... Karen Page
Joe Pantoliano .... Ben Urich

I have collected many "Daredevil" comic books over the years. I have all of the Frank Miller "Daredevil" comics and I would consider them some of the best ever written. I went into the "Daredevil" movie with expectations for a cool flick. For the most part, I was satisfied. Here are my thoughts:

*VARIOUS SCENE SPOILERS*

First, I was struck by the amazing similarity the Elektra death scene in the movie had to the Elektra death scene in the comic. It was copied down to the last detail. Issue #181 had Elektra's death. From the ace up Bullseye sleeve to his saying of, "And for my next trick.", the scene was lifted word for word from Frank Miller's comic. They even had the bulge in Elektra's back from the sai just like in the comic.

Character thoughts: Of course the Kingpin was white in the comic but I think Michael Duncan did a good job. He had the menace of the Kingpin down. As far as Bullseye, what was up with his forehead? Why not give him his blue costume? This is the problem when you have a movie star as a villain. If you cover his head, people can't see him! Bullseye would have looked better with his costume. Elektra wore hot red in the comic. She had a great outfit. Where was her headband? Elektra still looked good in the movie but black leather seemed kind of plain. Red was hotter. Which brings us to Daredevil himself. Affleck did a good job. The costume looked good too. One thing that bewildered me was the amount of times Daredevil was unmasked. Everybody was tearing that mask off. Was it an excuse to get the movie star face on screen or is the movie Daredevil an incompetent dolt who can't keep his mask on? He needs to add a couple of buttons to the back of his mask.

One strike against the flick was the soundtrack. It stunk. Every time there was an emotional scene the soundtrack would blast out how the audience should feel. The song playing over the funeral was foul. The tune that was blasting out when Elektra was training also reeked. When we see the Kingpin for the first time, a song comes up, "I'm an outlaw!". The first appearance of Bullseye was accompanied by, "I'm an Irish thug!" or something like that. It wasn't good.

But overall, I enjoyed myself. There were plenty of good fights. "Daredevil" was a decent action flick.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 blind devils

"Scarecrows" review

Scarecrows (1988)

Directed by William Wesley
Writing credits Marcus Crowder Stephen Gerard

Ted Vernon .... Corbin
Michael David Simms .... Curry
Richard Vidan .... Jack
Kristina Sanborn .... Roxanne
Victoria Christian .... Kellie

I bought the unrated video for five bucks. There's nothing I like more than to sit down and watch a Heist/Killer Scarecrow movie. It's amazing how well these two genres meld together. A bunch of robbers skydive into a haunted cornfield. They are looking for their money. The scarecrows are looking to fillet and stuff them. The thieves will have to do battle with the scarecrow crew if they want their loot back. Let the battle begin.

I enjoyed this film. The version I saw had plenty of good gore effects. The scarecrows are lonely monsters who want their intruders to enjoy the benefits of a good stuffed torso. If they get their hands on you, it's stuffing time. They usually do get their hands on people because the thieves just can't bear to let the money go. I guess if they weren't greedy, they wouldn't be professional crooks.

Overall, this is a solid B-movie. Blood, guts and stuffings. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 killer scarecrows

"I Spit on Your Grave" review

I Spit on Your Grave (1978)
AKA Day of the Woman

Directed by Meir Zarchi
Writing credits Meir Zarchi

Camille Keaton .... Jennifer Hill
Eron Tabor .... Johnny
Richard Pace .... Matthew
Anthony Nichols .... Stanley
Gunter Kleemann .... Andy

"I Spit on your Grave" is the greatest rape and revenge flick ever made. It is brutal, powerful, sleazy and exploitative. It is also quite effective and will probably leave scars on you. Obviously, it's a must see.

A female writer goes out into the woods to get some work done. Four locals start checking her out and decide they want more. Now, at this point you are expecting a rape scene. You know its coming. So the locals take her in the grass and have their way with her. It's not a very graphic rape. I was expecting to be shocked but I wasn't. It was at this point that the movie really began. As the writer walks away, she is pounced on and raped a second time. This scene was brutal. There is no music or editing done on the rape scene. It is shot as if you are really there watching it happen. She is pinned down on a rock and screams for her life. Does the movie want you to enjoy what you're seeing or would it rather have you be disgusted at the sexual violence? I don't know. I would imagine it wants it both ways. Horror fans will probably love the thrill of being shocked while others will be repulsed.

What really takes "I Spit on your Grave" over the top is the next rape scene. Yes, she's raped a third time. She crawls back to her house and is violated again. Now we know that these men are cretins and deserve everything they've got coming to them. The rest of the movie has the writer dishing out bloody death to the lecherous men. She knows the power her body has over them and decides to use it so that she can spit on their graves.

I found this movie to be a brutal gut punch. The rape scenes were tough to watch. "I Spit on your Grave" is not just some cheap horror flick. It is undeniably shocking and well made. For horror fans looking for something to really hurt them, "I Spit on your Grave" will do it.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 for the ultimate rape and revenge flick

"Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead" review

Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead (1995)

Directed by Gary Fleder
Writing credits Scott Rosenberg

Andy Garcia .... Jimmy 'The Saint' Tosnia
Christopher Lloyd .... Pieces
William Forsythe .... Franchise
Bill Nunn .... Easy Wind
Treat Williams .... Critical Bill
Jack Warden .... Joe Heff
Steve Buscemi .... Mister Shhh
Fairuza Balk .... Lucinda
Gabrielle Anwar .... Dagney
Christopher Walken .... The Man with the Plan

Jimmy the Saint is on the dangle. The Man with the Plan is paying 50 large for an action. Jimmy gets together a crew. He ropes in all the pig brothers from back in the day: Critical Bill, Franchise, Pieces and Easy Wind. They screw up the job and become Buckwheat's. Buckwheat's! Jimmy the Saint has things to do in Denver before he's dead. Someday he'll have his boat drinks.

Do real gangsters talk like this or only hyper movie gangsters? If the above dialogue amuses you, you may like this movie. Jimmy the Saint and crew botch a job for the boss and talk and talk about it. I liked the scenes where they would huddle together to have their skull sessions. If you're not in the mood for a gangster vocabulary lesson, stay away.

The rest of the movie is not that interesting. Jimmy has a love interest which goes nowhere. We get to see scenes from Jimmy's business which also go nowhere. There are some violent spots but nothing too outrageous. The only thing good about this flick is the dialogue. But even that tends to wear out its welcome. Still, it's worth a look if you like gangster movies.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Hollywood gangsters