"Blood Scarab" review

Blood Scarab (2008)

Director: Donald F. Glut
Writer: Donald F. Glut

Monique Parent ... Countess Elizabeth Bathory (as Monique T. Parent)
Del Howison ... Renfield
Brinke Stevens ... Professor Foran
Tony Clay ... Dracula
Natasha Diakova ... Mina
Cindy Pucci ... Tanya
Christina Morris ... Samantha
Angelica Monro ... Hathor
Ange Maya ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Veronica ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Jackeline Olivier ... Elana

Mia Zottoli... Hor Sep Sut (as Ava Niche)

Dracula and his wife, (Monique Parent), are getting bored with the constraints of being a vampire. After Dracula dies because he was peeping too long at some naked women, Monique decides she needs to find a way to stay in the sun. Her trusty man servant reads about some old B-movies like "The Mummy's Kiss" and learns that the key to immortality is a cheap mummy. Through a convoluted series of events, a mummy's naked soul is released and grants Monique the power to get a suntan on one condition. She must suck the blood out of three topless women. Monique is up to the task of pleasing her new goddess.

"Blood Scarab" is a pointless movie but it's still strangely watchable. There are many B-movie elements raging throughout the movie that gives you the illusion that an interesting movie is about to start. There are vampires, mummies, blood, random topless women, topless Egyptian goddesses, a flashback to a topless Mia Zottoli, and Monique Parent's legs. Surely something exciting is bound to happen. But after many false starts, it became apparent that the filmmakers weren't sure what kind of movie they wanted to make. It's neither fish nor fowl, softcore or horror. All they knew is that if there's a random topless women every ten minutes, the audience will stay awake until the end.

I rented "Blood Scarab" because I saw that Mia Zottoli was in it. This excited me because I hadn't seen a new Zottoli movie in awhile. But it turns out that Mia's appearance in the movie is just a flashback to a brief sex scene in "The Mummy's Kiss". At least "Blood Scarab" had the sense to get some naked scenes of Mia in the movie. But where is Mia these days? Somebody please bring her back to life. The B-movie world needs her. Well if not, I'd still appreciate it.

While Monique Parent's legs are amazing, "Blood Scarab" doesn't have enough vampire (or mummy) sleaze to demand a viewing. It can be skipped. Although if you do end up watching it, there is something gratifying about watching Monique use her long legs to seduce any female she lays eyes on. But none of the seduction scenes last long enough for pure lesbian vampire satisfaction. Monique sunk her fangs too quickly into their ample bosoms for my tastes. Mistress Monique needed to take her time and enjoy the perks of being a day-walking Egyptian vampire goddess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Monique Parent legs

Mistress Monique and friend.

"Voodoo Dollz" review

Voodoo Dollz (2008)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Christine Nguyen ... Christina
Beverly Lynne ... Jilly
Monique Parent ... Miss Dambahla
Charlie Laine ... Maria
Nicole Sheridan ... Sandra
Voodoo ... Jeff (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Syren ... Miss Santana
Kitty ... Meg (as Kitty Katzu)
Michelle Bauer... Miss Anton

Christine Nguyen is a bad girl. She gets caught having sex with another naughty girl in her school locker room. They are both dressed in school girl uniforms and wearing pig tails so you know that they're extra naughty. Headmistress Michelle Bauer decides to punish her by sending her away to a boarding school for lesbian witches. I only wish Michelle had bent her over and given her a good spanking before she left. Once Christine gets to Monique Parent's school for horny lesbians, the witches welcome her to their sapphic coven. There is some nonsense about voodoo dolls and sacrifices but it's just filler to give you a little breather until the next lesbian scene gets started.

"Voodoo Dollz" is a Fred Olen Ray triumph. The key to its success can be summed up in two words: Lesbian sex. Sweet, beautiful, softcore lesbian sex. "Voodoo Dollz" embraces the most sacred rule of late night entertainment. For it is written: He who films pretty girls kissing each other is sure to find success after midnight on Cinemax. "Voodoo Dollz" has only one guy in it and that was one guy too many for my tastes. But at least it kept the men to a bare minium so the ladies could have their fun.

Oh and what fun it was. The first lesbian scene has Christine and Kitty making out in the locker room. This was a great scene which started the movie down the path to success. Michelle Bauer shows up and does not get involved with any of the women. This made me sad as I was hoping for some tender loving between her and Christine. But when the movie shifts to sapphic school, there's plenty of lesbian affection to keep you entertained. Christine and Nicole Sheridan have a good sex scene with the help of a voodoo sex toy. But the best sex scene was between Charlie Laine and Syren which is only marred by some idiotic guy peeping on them. Ray needs to stop interrupting the action with scenes of goofballs staring at the naked women. The last thing I want to see during an abundance of nipple licking is some grinning moron's face. Please, let's stop the madness. It's for the best.

But let's pause for a moment and reflect on what the ladies of Cinemax have meant to our lives. Where would we be today without these softcore divas to entertain us late at night? I'm talking about Beverly Lynne, Julie Smith, Nikki Fritz, Julian Wells, AJ Khan, Kim Dawson, Nikki Nova and many others who have sweat, screamed and moaned until we couldn't take anymore and went to bed. Women who fill our hearts with lust for the perfect female body and show us the proper way to make sweet love on a desk, chair or sofa. These women are invaluable to B-movies.

"Voodoo Dollz" proves that point as it would be completely worthless without the women. It's softcore movies like this that make you stop and realize the power these women have. Their very existence in a B-movie dictates whether it's going to succeed or fail. Christine Nguyen and friends know how to conjure up that softcore voodoo magic. The overdose of B-movie women in "Voodoo Dollz" ensures a pleasant late night romp.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Cinemax bad girls

"Black Devil Doll" review

Black Devil Doll (2007)

Director: Jonathan Lewis
Writers: Shawn Lewis Mitch Mayes

Heather Murphy ... Heather
Natasha Talonz ... Natasha
Christine Svendsen ... Candi
Erika Branich ... Buffy
Precious Cox ... Bambi
Martin Boone ... White-T

A murderer on death row gets reincarnated as a black puppet. The power of Heather Murphy's giant white floppy breasts have brought him back to life. He saw those milky white beauties and knew he had to come back from the dead for them. It isn't long before Heather falls for the jive talking puppet and commences on a forbidden love affair. But one white girl is not enough for the Black Devil Doll. Soon he will make plans to have all of Heather's buxom buddies over to his pad so he can show them the horny black puppet loving they've been missing.

"Black Devil Doll" is about hot interracial puppet sex. Never before has a film had the courage to show in explicit detail the tender love making between a black puppet and white girls with giant breasts. "Black Devil Doll" doesn't concern itself with petty things like plot or characterization. These are elements for lesser films to worry about. "Black Devil Doll" just wants to give you the most puppet banging for your buck.

While "Black Devil Doll" was made to be offensive with its outrageous stereotypes and white girl puppet loving, it's too ridiculous to be taken seriously. There is nothing offensive about a black puppet stalking white girls and then raping their dead bodies. Well, maybe there is something offensive there. But this is a sleazy exploitation movie so you should know what you're getting into before watching it.

Heather Murphy is the Devil Doll's mistress and she is every Devil Doll's dream. She is large in every shapely corner of her beautiful curvy body. My God, we need more natural beauties like her in horror films. When the Devil Doll gets tired of Murphy's curvaceous body, he gets her to call over some more large breasted women. The rest of the movie has the Devil Doll stalking the women one by one.

The Devil Doll's stalking leads to one long exploitation scene as each white girl gets to ride the Devil Doll's wooden pole. The Devil Doll likes to kill them first and then penetrate as quickly as he can. All of this delirious sleaze culminates with a prolonged love making session with the large breasted girl he chased out of the shower. She couldn't resist him any longer even with blood streaming down her face. That's the power of the Devil Doll.

"Black Devil Doll" is a fun, sleazy flick. It has plenty of naked women performing unspeakable acts on a black puppet. You don't get to see that kind of entertainment every day. It's worth a look.

One last thought, there was only one sleazy scene missing from this movie. Why wasn't there a three way scene? You could have had Heather gang up with one of her busty friends on the Devil Doll. Instant comedy. And instant lesbian gratification. Or you could have had a white devil doll come to life and join in the fun. Two puppets, one girl! See what this movie has done to me? When I close my eyes, I dream of puppet orgies. I'm not sure I mind either.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 horny devil dolls

"Bad Biology" review

Bad Biology (2008)

Director: Frank Henenlotter
Writers: Frank Henenlotter R.A. Thorburn

Charlee Danielson ... Jennifer
Anthony Sneed ... Batz
R.A. Thorburn ... Ex-Boyfriend (as R.A. The Rugged Man)
Ginger Starr ... Porn Model
Brittany Moyer... Vagina-Faced Model
Vicky Wiese... Hooker
Krista Ayne... Woman in Penthouse
Mar Sirivanh... Woman on Couch
Rachael Robbins... Woman in Kitchen (as Rachel Robbins)
Alicia Hastings... Woman in Closet
Jelena Jensen... Woman in Shower
Vladislav S.... Porn Model
Jzone... Dealer
Eleonore Hendricks... Crackwhore
Tina Krause... Herself
Carolyn Thompson... Vagina-Faced Model

A woman with seven clitorises is searching for the man who can satisfy her. On the other side of town, a man with a drug addicted super penis has to find a way to control his member. The woman's body is so advanced that after she has sex she gives birth to a mutated baby a couple of hours later. The man's super unit is so powerful that it can think for itself and will wander off in search of women on its own. These raging examples of bad biology must meet.

"Bad Biology" attempts to answer the age old question that keeps me up at night. How can mutated freaks of nature find love? As for seven clit Jennifer, she stalks the bars and clubs hoping someone can feed her vagina the loving it needs. Her accelerated baby production is an unfortunate side effect to her rabid love making but she doesn't let the mutants slow her down. As for 24 inch Batz, he is trying desperately to control his third leg before it winds up hurting someone. His python of love gives women unending orgasms. Jennifer needs orgasms to live. These two were made for each other.

"Bad Biology" also answers another important question. Namely, what kind of movie would director Frank Henenlotter want to make if he jumped back into the B-movie world? I now know the answer and can safely say that he is as much a freak as Jennifer and Batz. I always loved "Frankenhooker" and was hoping he'd come back for more blood, guts and sleaze. I was not disappointed.

You can take a quick look at the hilarious credits to get a general idea of where this movie is heading. You have Porn Model, Hooker, Crackwhore, Vagina-Faced model(!), and lots of "Woman" credits. Woman in closet, shower, kitchen, penthouse, etc. "Bad Biology" was filmed in NYC and feels like it was directed by a guy who spent a lot of time hanging out in Times Square in the 70's and 80's. Only an exploitation maniac could have made this movie.

Consequently, only exploitation horror fiends are going to enjoy this movie. It's amateurish acting and inept special effects only add to its sleazy charm. When the supreme penis detaches itself and goes on the hunt for love, its quest for naked women becomes a stellar B-movie moment. It all culminates when Jelena Jensen steps out of the shower and into the loving embrace of super penis. See a giant penis attack a topless Jelena! I was crying tears of joy.

"Bad Biology" is sleazy, nasty and completely ridiculous. Naturally, I enjoyed it. It will show you the lighter side of mutant sex. It has naked women, blood, guts and vagina faced models. And it also has plenty of orgasms both big and small. Mostly big. For what is the point of using your bad biology if you don't enjoy it?

SCORE: 3 out of 4 mutant orgasms

"The Telling" review

The Telling (2009)

Director: Nicholas Carpenter
Writer: Joe Lessard

Holly Madison ... Stephanie
Christina Rosenberg ... Amber (as Lola La Belle)
Nicole Zeoli ... Roxy
Najarra Townsend ... Brianna
Angela Davies ... Brianna's Mom (as Angela Nicholas)
Wesley Stiller ... Greg
Alyssa Price ... Megan
Sara Jean Underwood ... Tracey
Christina Iannuzzi ... Brittney
Jessica Rizo ... Tiffany
Ashley Noel ... Brandi

A hot babe sorority is having an initiation night for some plain looking girls at the Mansion. Since they caused the death of an average, typical, bland looking girl last year by mocking her revolting normalcy, they had to make up for it by letting three mundane, ordinary, common women try to join their supermodel sorority. Instead of having the pledges take part in a mud wrestling contest, (like any good sorority should), they decide they want each of them to tell them a scary story. The first story concerns an evil female doll and the love triangle that evil female dolls inevitably create. The second story is about a Hollywood star who takes a job in Europe with some maniacal fiends. The last story tells the tale of good girls gone bad when they prank call a psycho killer.

Hey, I've got a fourth scary story for you. It's about a guy who rents a horror movie that's jammed pack with Playboy Bunnies, filmed at the Mansion and yet not one single bunny hops out of her clothes for the entire movie. AHHHHHHH!!! I'm shaking at the very thought of it. I sure hope that nightmare never comes true. Oh wait, it did. It was called "The Telling".

"The Telling" is a typical B-movie hustle. It promises you Holly Madison and Playboy bunnies and instead you get three lame stories that have nothing to do with Holly or her Madisons. All I wanted was for Holly Madison to run around the Playboy Mansion while some buxom Girl Next Door chased her around with an axe. Was I asking too much? Once again, the answer is yes.

As a horror movie, "The Telling" has no chance of being scary. Knowing that the real story is happening back at the Mansion, the pledges lame attempts at horror fall flat even before they start talking. The only story that had a chance of being interesting was the evil female doll tale. If that had gone in a sleazy direction, it might have captured my interest. But it was routine and tedious as were the other horror stories.

I just don't understand why B-movie filmmakers cannot embrace the art of exploitation. How can you have a room full of Playboy bunnies and not know what to do with them? What was the point of this movie if not to involve Holly Madison in the horror flick? It's as if the filmmakers had one night to film the bunnies and then Hefner kicked them out. Holly couldn't leave the Mansion so they had to film the rest of the movie around their all night session.

"The Telling" can be skipped. It serves no purpose. It's not scary and it certainly is not titillating. The best thing I can say about it is that at least its filmed competently. It doesn't drag too much so the movie doesn't linger long enough to hurt you. "The Telling" almost feels like a vanity project but I can't imagine whose vanity would actually need it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sorority playmates

"Albino Farm" review

Albino Farm (2009)

Directors: Joe Anderson Sean McEwen
Writers: Joe Anderson Sean McEwen

Tammin Sursok ... Stacey
Chris Jericho ... Levi
Richard Christy ... Caleb
Duane Whitaker ... Jeremiah
Sunkrish Bala ... Sanjay
Nick Richey ... Brian
Alicia Lagano ... Melody
Kevin Spirtas ... Preacher
Christopher Michael White ... Jacob
Alex Neustaedter ... Samuel
Bianca Barnett ... Pig Bitch

A bunch of college students head out into the country to see how many rednecks they can deride before getting killed. The obnoxious leader of the group gets a tip about a local legend called the Albino Farm. He wants to check out this ghost story while the responsible girl in the group wants to stay far away from a farm that has Albinos. But because this is a horror movie they all eventually, (slowly, very slowly), end up at the farm. The legend turns out to be true as various freaks of nature attack them for no reason. Screams echo through the night as you bellow that you've wasted your time on another bland horror flick.

"Albino Farm" is an amazingly uninteresting movie. There's no glaring technical deficiency on display that would distract you from this exercise in hillbilly horror. But I wish there was because "Albino Farm" is severely lacking in entertainment value. It pummels you to death with every annoying horror movie cliche imaginable. From the clueless teens who can't wait to go into the spooky haunted house, to the creepy townsfolk scaring the teens, to the bored viewer watching this movie, it's all here.

If you've ever seen a hillbilly horror flick, you've seen a better movie than "Albino Farm". Everything happens exactly as you would expect. The teens drive into town, make fun of the hicks, sprint out to their early graves at the Albino Farm and the movie ends. There's not even any delirious exploitation scenes to praise. Couldn't we have had at least one freaky scene at the farm? "Albino Farm" is a waste of time. It can be skipped.

One last thought, there are actually two positive attributes to "Albino Farm" worth mentioning. The first one is its title. It's a good hillbilly horror title as it conjures up images of deformed freaks committing depraved acts at the farm. Well, at least it did for me. I felt there must have been something horrifying down on the Albino Farm. I was wrong.

The only other positive thing to say about "Albino Farm" is that it contains a spectacular credit for its main monster. "Pig Bitch". Pig Bitch, (Bianca Barnett), is the deranged beast who does most of the hunting and killing of obnoxious college students. Unfortunately most of the kill scenes were shot in almost complete darkness so it was hard to admire the Pig Bitch's work. The only thing that could have saved this movie is if they had changed the title to "Pig Bitch" and let the beast break away from the Albino Farm. She has too much blood lust to sit around waiting for fools to show up at the farm. Let the Pig Bitch run wild and we'll all be better for it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 pig bitches

"Run! Bitch Run!" review

Run! Bitch Run! (2009)

Director: Joseph Guzman
Writers: Joseph Guzman Robert James Hayes II

Christina DeRosa ... Rebecca
Cheryl Lyone ... Catherine
Peter Tahoe ... Lobo
Johnny Winscher ... Clint
Ivet Corvea ... Marla
Mike Tursi ... Abe
Chenoa Mason ... Holly
Liz Porter ... Starla
Lori Soleil ... Nurse Betty

Catholic schoolgirls are going door to door selling bibles in a sleazy exploitation movie. Their pleated skirts don't stand a chance of surviving. It doesn't take long before they knock on the door of a violent drug dealer and interrupt his tranquil Addams family existence. They disturbed him just as he was dispatching one of his hookers to an early grave. This would have ruined his whole day but when you're a depraved drug dealing pimp, you tend to come up with creative ways to amuse yourself. A true predator needs to catch his prey so he decides to let Catherine, (Cheryl Lyone), run for it so he can rape her when he pounces on her. This level of misogynistic brutality has an adverse effect on the nice Catholic girl and turns her into a mute assassin bent on revenge. Let the exploitation movie homages run baby run.

"Run! Bitch Run!" is a calculated, deliberate attempt to make a retro exploitation movie. There is a 70's sleaze vibe that permeates every frame of this movie. The spirit of Quentin Tarantino hangs heavy over "Run! Bitch Run!". For that matter, the ghosts of exploitation movies past must have paid the director a visit in his dreams and told him to make this movie. "I Spit on Your Grave" and "They Call her One Eye" are two other "rape and revenge" flicks that will spring to your mind while watching Catherine get her revenge after she gets raped.

But when you hear "Grindhouse" music playing over most of the action scenes, you'll know that this movie was meant as a calling card for the filmmakers so that they could show their love for Tarantino, Rob Zombie and anyone else out there who has a fetish for 70's exploitation. "Run! Bitch Run!" feels like it was made to make the case that it should fill a slot in a possible "Grindhouse" sequel. I'm all for sleazy movies but we don't need to keep reaching back to the 70's to show us the way to exploit blood, sex and ultra violence. We've learned a lot from that golden age of exploitation but it's time to move on.

But since "Run! Bitch Run!" is overflowing with naked women, sordid violence and general miscreancy, I can forgive most of its flaws. Cheryl Lyone does a good job as the nice girl, (in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform with her hair in a bun selling bibles) who flips out into a cold blooded killer, (in a nurses uniform with her hair down selling death with a pump shotgun). Ivet Corvea is the crazed hooker who carries a lot of the exploitation scenes. I must also praise Ivet and her drug dealing girlfriend for their great make out scene. I was praying that the filmmakers wouldn't neglect the sheer beauty of watching two pretty girls kiss each other and they didn't let me down. There are a lot of other women who take the time to get into the swing of things and take their tops off as well.

So if you've seen all of the 70's "rape and revenge" flicks and need another fix, "Run! Bitch Run!" is worth a look. The filmmakers have done their homework and execute the 70's sleaze playbook step by step to make sure you get your fill of exploitation madness.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 nasty nurses - They call her Catherine

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" review

Blood and Sex Nightmare (2008)

Director: Joseph R. Kolbek
Writer: Joseph R. Kolbek

Julia Morizawa ... Amy (as Julia M. Morizawa)
Andy McGuinness ... Nick
Dan Petit ... Walter
Niki Rubin ... Girl with Pigtails (as Niki Notarile)
Lily St. Claire ... Girl in Intro (as Lilly St. Claire)
Laura Diozzi ... Girl at Campfire
Tina Krause ... Alicia

I was given this DVD as a Christmas present. When I went over to my friend's house in Pasadena to watch "Breaking Her Will", I received this thoughtful gift. It warms my heart to know that movies like "Blood and Sex Nightmare" seem like the perfect present for me. So I reciprocated his generosity by watching "Breaking Her Will" with him. He still hasn't recovered. I have hurt him once again.

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" is about blood and sex and a few nightmares. A couple decides to go to the most rundown, seedy looking adult retreat they can find. "Pleasure Mountain" looks like an abandoned summer camp that was left to rot. But pleasure is not to be found on this mountain as some random slasher is hiding in the woods ready to kill anyone who partakes in carnal delights. Amy, (Julia Morizawa), is having recurring nightmares of a blood soaked maniac stalking her. She's the only virgin on Pleasure Mountain so her chances of survival look promising. Anyone else who dares to rile up the slasher with their sexual hijinks will taste his blade right between their legs. Many sexual organs will be massacred before this vacation is over.

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" is a good example of a fun B-movie. It's cheap, shoddy, sleazy and downright entertaining. The title promises blood and sex and nightmares and it delivers on all three. There isn't a lot of wasted time in this movie as the couple hits the retreat fairly quickly so they can get the blood flowing. As Amy keeps rebuffing her boyfriends advances, we are treated to scene after scene of cheap depravity in the other cabins.

*GORE SPOILERS* One scene has a couple playing some light S&M, (naked woman tied to a chair), when the guy decides to chase off whoever is watching them outside. The mad slasher, (who apparently hates S&M), is waiting for him and proceeds to cut off the guy's penis so that he can teach him a lesson. He then takes the organ back inside to show the woman what she's missing. Another scene has the butcher interrupting a spanking session where some wholesome family role playing is going on. She was a bad girl and took her spanking from her "daddy". But the monster hates role playing too so she'll have to pay with blood to satisfy his desire for punishment. *END SPOILERS*

So with this much outrageous sleaze breaking out every ten minutes I can forgive the movie if it may be deficient in other areas. Acting, production values, special effects are all hovering at the usual rotgut B-movie level. But "Blood and Sex Nightmare" aims to please exploitation movie fans and in that respect it succeeds. I had a good time. It's worth a look.

One last thought, my only regret with "Blood and Sex Nightmare" is that Amy didn't turn into a sex freak at the end of the movie. I thought the ghost of Pleasure Mountain past would infest her mind with dreams of sexual excess but she stayed pure and fought temptation. I suppose only virgins survive horror movies. Amy must have figured that out too. Oh well. There was plenty of sleaze to go around even if Amy wanted to remain chaste amongst the freaks.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 spanked bad girls

"Breaking Her Will" review

Breaking Her Will (2009)

Director: Bill Zebub

Brian Joseph

Carl Williamson

Bill Zebub
Jackie Stevens ..Tortured Girl

I was sent this DVD. There's nothing like opening a mysterious package and seeing "Breaking Her Will" staring back at you. Let's me know that people out there care. Fun Fact: Not only was I not expecting a DVD, I had never talked to anyone involved in this movie as to whether or not I wanted to review it. These things happen when you call yourself Dr. Gore. S&M movies just magically show up at your door. When the sleaze comes a-knocking, you have to let it in.

So I took my prized movie over to my friend's house in Pasadena. The cover of this DVD has a woman blindfolded and gagged. This type of quality cinema needed to be shared. I didn't really think my friend would enjoy it mind you. But I wanted him to feel the fury of an S&M movie from Clifton, New Jersey. You just don't get these sent to you every day.

"Breaking Her Will" is the tender love story between a man and his slave. Some nut picks up a hitchhiker, (Jackie Stevens), and proceeds to break her will. He goes through the S&M motions with her, (you know, like needles in her flesh, raping her with bottles and generally not being nice), to see how much she can take until she obeys his every command. When he gets bored with her he ties her down on a wooden post. Then he heads upstairs so he can masturbate to videos of naked women tied to crosses. Typical crucification fetish. All the real psychos get off on that. Soon his nonchalant attitude toward torture becomes infectious as I start to lose all interest in his nefarious plans for this beaten women. Wills are broken and no one seems to care.

"Breaking Her Will" comes to us from Bill Zebub. I had reviewed a movie of his awhile back, "Kill the Scream Queen", which was a pleasant romp involving scream queens and their horrible, blood soaked deaths. Zebub is a one man sleaze machine and proud of it. He has a hand in every aspect of his movies. From writing, directing, producing and mailing out copies to B-movie reviewers, Zebub handles it all.

So knowing that Zebub is the driving force behind every creative decision in his movies, I wonder why he felt he needed to make this movie. It's not sleazy enough to be an S&M movie and it's not interesting enough to be a solid B-flick. So what is it and why am I watching it? Does he get off on filming crucified women? Why is this a recurring theme in his movies? Is this a cry for help to stop him before he films more naked women on crosses? What can be done to satisfy his insatiable lust to make sleazy movies with crucified women? I don't have any answers to the Zebub conundrum.

On the plus side, Zebub is not afraid to be offensive and fills his movies with as much nudity and lecherous situations as possible. Jackie Stevens deserves praise for her rampant nudity on display in this movie. What a trooper she is. But "Breaking Her Will" left me bored. It moves at a slow pace and doesn't end up anywhere close to interesting. I was expecting to be shocked by this movie but ended up with as much apathy toward torture as the crucifix loving psycho.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 crucified women

"Live Evil" review

Live Evil (2009)

Director: Jay Woelfel
Writer: Jay Woelfel

Tim Thomerson ... The Priest
Mark Hengst ... Benedict
Åsa Wallander ... Sydney
Ken Foree ... Max
Lee Perkins ... Officer Hicks

Cassie Courtland ... Hot Party Girl
Elissa Dowling ... Jerry the Bartender
Jenny Hendrix ... Naked Party Girl #1
Ann Marie ... Naked Party Girl #2
Marlie Moore ... Naked Door Girl
Kimberly Sanders ... Roxy
Tiffany Shepis ... Spider
Cherrae L. Stuart ... Cee

I was sent this DVD. Vampires are on the hunt for clean blood. Since human beings have been polluting their bodies with drugs, alcohol, fast food, etc, the blood supply has become tainted. Vampires are now forced to prey on each other or be on the lookout for other "pure bloods". A (very) wayward priest, (Tim Thomerson), is hunting a clique of vampires that are tearing their way across the country. The vampires are heading to Los Angeles to find a Blood Dealer that can supply them with the pure blood they desire. The priest, with his trusty samurai sword by his side, will try to finish them off before their bloodsucking lust consumes us all.

I usually end up trashing most movies that are sent to me. I was expecting more of the same with this movie. It was getting to the point where I wasn't sure why filmmakers even wanted to send me their movies in the first place. But I'm happy to tell you that I was entertained by this low budget vampire flick. "Live Evil" was a pleasant surprise. It's not often I get to say that so we must celebrate this exercise in B-movie madness.

"Live Evil" has all of the exploitation elements necessary to make an entertaining B-flick. It's got a vengeful priest, amoral vampires, naked women appearing at random intervals and plenty of blood to keep things moving along. Its only hampered by it's low budget. Some scenes needed some more money thrown at them to make them more effective. But then again, I suppose it wouldn't be a B-movie if it had the money. "Live Evil" did the best it could with what it had.

There are a couple of familiar B-movie faces who pop up during "Live Evil". When I heard that I was getting sent this movie, I told my friends that I had a Tiffany Shepis vampire flick heading my way. They were very excited. Unfortunately, this turned out to be false as Shepis is only in the movie for five minutes during a vampire party scene. I'm also sorry to report that there isn't any Shepis nudity but there are a few topless women roaming around the party. I also noticed that Elissa Dowling was in the movie as well. I almost didn't recognize her as she plays the bartender with a full beard (?). But when I saw the tattoo on her stomach I knew it was her. Ken Foree is the host of the party who brings all of the B-movie people together.

"Live Evil" is a fun and inventive vampire flick. There is plenty of blood, guts, and action to satisfy B-movie fans. I got a kick out of it. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 dead evil

"Cleavagefield" review

Cleavagefield (2009)

Directors: Jim Wynorski

Brandee Schaefer
Amy Reid
Rebecca Love
Frankie Cullen
Lucia Santos
Julie K. Smith
Davina Murphy
Dallas Lowe

It's another late night romp through Wynorski's cleavage filled wonderland. This time we get a cut rate parody of "Cloverfield", cleverly titled "Cleavagefield". The movie starts off with a hot blonde having sex. She's unwinding before a party where she'll get naked again. Rebecca Love is already at the party having some bedroom fun with one of the girls. This is a good party. Then a monster shows up and ruins everything. The rest of the movie consists of the girls running around in heels, jiggling their way to freedom from cheap horny monsters.

"Cleavagefield" shows us once again Wynorski's obsession with filming the only thing that interests him in life: Topless women. Not sex, not anything kinky, just large breasted topless women. I can't even tell if he enjoys filming sex scenes. Every instance of coitus in this movie is filmed like they're either in a hurry to get it over with or is done so mechanically that the ladies are banging to the beat of Wynorksi's metronome. 1,2,3, bend your knees, 4,5,6, show me your [breasts].

It's clear at this point that Wynorski is just making home movies for himself. He has decided to bless us less fortunate late night viewers with a glimpse into his vast archive of topless adventures. Throughout "Cleavagefield", there are scenes of two blondes bouncing around Hawaii. These are supposed to be flashbacks that the main character is having while running away from the fattest monster in the world. But in reality they are flashbacks that Wynorski is having to his Hawaiian trip he took with these ladies. He has them vamp it up for his camera as they strip to please him. He also manages to coax a halfhearted sex scene out of them before losing interest. Once he's seen you pop the top a few dozen times, his mind starts to wander onto other breasts.

But there's one woman who doesn't stray far from Wynorski's mind, and that woman is Julie Smith. Everybody needs their muse and Miss JKS doesn't disappoint. Although I'm disappointed that she didn't show up in "Cleavagefield" until the very end of the movie. Wynorski should have known better than to hide his best babe away until the end.

Near the end of the movie, Rebecca Love shows up in Sgt. Julie Smith's laboratory to get checked out. Smith is a thorough doctor and must examine every inch of Ms Love's body. When Julie threw off her white lab coat to reveal a fish net body outfit, I knew "Cleavagefield" was about to take a very positive turn. Sure enough, Julie Smith's scene with Rebecca Love is the highlight of the movie. In fact, it's really the only scene worth watching although Rebecca Love's scene at the party wasn't too bad either.

So if you're up late one night and not sure what to do, "Cleavagefield" may be worth checking out. Certainly "Cleavagefield" is nothing more than another lazy excuse to show female breasts. But Wynorski is so committed to his particular infatuation that his love for heaving cleavage sometimes distracts you from the fact that he doesn't care about much else. Like plot, editing,coherency, etc.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 cleavage blessed Julies

"Pulp Fiction" review

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Director: Quentin Tarantino
Writers: Quentin Tarantino Roger Avary

John Travolta ... Vincent Vega
Samuel L. Jackson ... Jules Winnfield
Tim Roth ... Pumpkin - Ringo
Amanda Plummer ... Honey Bunny - Yolanda
Eric Stoltz ... Lance
Bruce Willis ... Butch Coolidge
Ving Rhames ... Marsellus Wallace
Phil LaMarr ... Marvin
Maria de Medeiros ... Fabienne
Rosanna Arquette ... Jody
Peter Greene ... Zed
Uma Thurman ... Mia Wallace

Quentin Tarantino... Jimmie Dimmick
Harvey Keitel... Winston 'The Wolf' Wolfe

I received an email from a fellow movie review blogger who wanted to know if I wanted to do a guest post for her blog. Mermaid Heather is having a blog anniversary and is seeing what her favorite bloggers consider their favorite movies. Glad to know I fall in her favorite bloggers category. The timing is good for me because I needed a little break from bashing painful movies and was in the mood to heap some praise on a good film. So for my guest post, (and a review on my blog), I've chosen one of my favorite movies. "Pulp Fiction".

"Pulp Fiction" is three interwoven tales of drugs, blood, crime, dates with married junkies, fixed boxing matches, dead body disposals, and movie references galore. The first story has hitman Vincent Vega, (Travolta), taking out his bosses wife, (Uma Thurman), on a drug fueled "date". The second story follows Butch (Bruce Willis), and his quest to get his beloved watch back from gangsters and survive the day in hellish L.A. The last story goes back in time to follow Vincent and Jules, (Jackson), as they go about their business and handle the stress of having to dispose of a dead body.

"Pulp Fiction" starts off with hitmen Vincent (Travolta) and Jules (Jackson) paying a visit to some neglectful employees of Marcellus Wallace. Vincent nonchalantly informs Jules that he has been picked to babysit Mia Wallace while Marcellus is out of town. "You going to be taking Mia Wallace out on a date?" Vincent doesn't understand what the big deal is until he meets Mia. It turns out that she is even more in love with drugs than he is. The date goes well until Mia snorts up too much white powder. The rest of the story has Vincent scrambling to make sure Mia doesn't ruin the date by dying on him.

The second story has Bruce Willis obsessing over his gold watch. He has to leave town after a rigged boxing match but can't bear to part with his watch that his father left him. His decision to return into the heart of L.A. to retrieve it will cost him a heavy price as hitmen and other freaks are lying in wait for him.

The last story goes back in time to show what happened between Jules and Vincent's rendezvous with the wayward employees of Marcellus and Vincent's date with Mia. Vincent accidently blows a guy's head off in the back of the car while discussing the merits of divine intervention. They are so frazzled by having the guy's brain's splatter all over them that they need to call in an expert on body disposals. The Wolf, (Harvey Keitel), shows up to school them on the proper way to clean a blood soaked car.

"Pulp Fiction" is a near perfect movie. There are so many good elements to this movie it's hard to know where to start. From the writing, to the acting, to the direction, "Pulp Fiction" exceeds your expectations of what a crime movie is supposed to deliver. Samuel Jackson should have won an Oscar for his performance as Jules Winnfield. Why he didn't is a true injustice. John Travolta was also amazing as Vincent Vega. "Pulp Fiction" is Tarantino's best movie so far. It has inspired countless imitators but none have even come close to being as potent as "Pulp Fiction".

But for me, Uma Thurman was the highlight of "Pulp Fiction". If you don't fall in love with Uma Thurman after watching "Pulp Fiction" you are not human. Although I don't obsess over Uma's feet like Tarantino does, it's easy to see how men can fall under her spell. Her "date" with Travolta is a classic scene. Tarantino films her as if he is completely smitten with her and it's hard not to agree with him. Every look and gesture she portrays makes you a believer in her seductive charm.

"Pulp Fiction" is a must see movie. It has everything you could possibly want from a movie. It excels as entertainment and as cinema.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 Mia Wallace dates
You're gonna be takin' Mia Wallace out on a date?

It ain't a date. It's like when you and your buddy's wife go to a movie or somethin'. It's just... you know... good company. It's not a date.

"Biohazard: The Alien Force" review

Biohazard: The Alien Force (1995)

Director: Steve Latshaw
Writer: Patrick Moran

James L. Miles ... The BioMonster
John Alexander ... Det. Morley
Dorothy Best ... Caitlan Palmer
Robin Chapman ... Newspaper Editor
Katherine Culliver ... Shana Alexander
Trevor David ... Donner
Tom Ferguson ... Quint
Susan Fronsoe ... Nicki Carstairs

An evil corporation, (is there any other kind?), is conducting an experiment to see if they can create a monster to wreck some cheap havoc. Their dastardly plan comes to fruition as an outrageously cheesy monster breaks free and runs wild. The beast wants to kill anyone who recklessly donated their DNA to help speed along his existence. Many fools will pay the ultimate price for daring to mess with mother nature and playing B-movie gods.

Monster on a rampage. It escapes from a lab. It wants to kill people. You know the drill. But while the monster is certainly a biohazard, he wasn't actually an alien force. Although in this instance, the filmmakers may be referring to the ecology definition of alien which states that its "An organism, especially a plant or animal, that occurs in or is naturalized in a region to which it is not native." Or maybe they were just trying to ripoff better Sci-fi movies. Or perhaps I'm thinking too much about this.

At any rate, the monster in "Biohazard: The Alien Force" was made out of the finest rubber money can buy. It was one of the few things I enjoyed about this movie. I was concerned the thing was going to catch on fire and release deadly toxins into the air. That would have been the real biohazard. That's how he should have threatened his victims: "One more step and my scales get torched. RARRRRRR!!!"

If you've seen one rubber suited alien bust out of a lab movie, you've seen them all. I keep thinking I've seen them all and yet there always seems to be one more B-movie biohazard waiting to strike. "Biohazard: The Alien Force" is from the same writer/director team that gave us "Dark Universe" or the "Monster in a marsh" movie. They believe in no-frills, straight ahead B-movie making. Monster, victims, death, the end. It gets the job done. That's not to say the job was done well mind you. Just done.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 biohazardous aliens

"Demon of Paradise" review

Demon of Paradise (1987)

Director: Cirio H. Santiago
Writers: Frederick Bailey C.J. Santiago

Kathryn Witt ... Annie
William Steis ... Keefer
Laura Banks ... Cahill
Frederick Bailey ... Ike
Leslie Scarborough ... Gabby (as Leslie Huntly)
Henry Strzalkowski ... Shelton
Nick Nicholson ... Langley

These B-movies really know how to sell themselves to a guy like me. I saw the video box cover and knew that this was a movie I had to rent. It had an illustration of a lizard man dragging a bikini-clad girl underwater. Illustrated covers are usually a sign of bad things to come. But since I never seem to take my own advice, I rented it anyway. I mean, come on! It had a lizard man and a girl in a bikini for crying out loud. It's got to be good.

A bunch of fishermen throw dynamite in the water and wake up the Demon of Paradise. This demon loves dynamite as he causes massive explosions with alarming regularity. It doesn't faze him as the monster loves the smell of dynamite in the morning. It smells like demon victory. Lizard man proceeds to attack everyone at the resort and only a few brave souls can stand up to him.

"Demon of Paradise" went exactly like I expected it to. It's a standard B-monster movie with a low budget and a cheap rubber costume. The demon had this hilarious habit of waving to his victims. Sometimes it seemed like he was trying to signal the director he was drowning but I think he was actually trying to scare his prey. Jaws sticks his fin out of the water when he charges his prey. The demon waves at you. It looked like he was waving from miles away but then he would suddenly appear and attack. Then there would be an explosion. No particular reason, just spontaneous demon combustion.

Another scene had the demon tackling a helicopter. The fools were dropping dynamite on him. Little did they know how much dynamite excites him. The demon shoots out of the water like a missile and drags the helicopter into the water. Then there was an explosion. Truly, a fine B-movie moment.

"Demon of Paradise" is cheap and stupid but entertaining. As these things go, it was decent. It gave me a few laughs. Demons, bikinis, etc.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 waving demons

"Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" review

Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned

Director: Brian Thomson
Writer: Brian Thomson

Trina Analee ... Michelle
Monique Dupree ... Emerald
Gregg Aaron Greenberg ... Sammy
Kaitlyn Gutkes ... Vermillion
Rebecca Hodges ... The Reader
Zoe Hunter ... Snowy
Lloyd Kaufman

I was sent this DVD. A bunch of guys head out to the Hamptons to have a bachelor party. They decide to have their party at a geeky friend's bungalow. Unfortunately, it turns out to be a bungalow of the damned. Bummer. But this doesn't stop the festivities as three strippers/escorts/hookers for the damned show up to give the guys a show before dispatching them to hell. Tensions arise as this was not the bachelor party they were hoping for. Only the one level headed friend can come to grips with the situation and do battle with the damned escorts.

"Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" is a bad movie. Are you shocked to hear that? The acting is bad, the special effects are a joke and the horror is non-existent. Although it is obvious that the filmmakers had no intention of making a serious horror movie, it still would be nice to believe I was actually watching a movie instead of a bunch of guys goofing off with a camcorder at their friend's house.

While "Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" keeps moving along, it's not heading anywhere worth watching. A B-movie title of that magnitude should have delivered a fun movie with bachelors running for their lives from demonic women. Instead the entire party is laid to waste within minutes which only leaves one guy left to fight off the hooker horde. Then the movie wanders off into some other ridiculous storyline about past humiliations, vampire spawning and other topics that don't have anything to do with hookers massacring a bachelor party.

However, there was one pleasant element in "Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" and I must praise her now. Monique Dupree shows up as one of the escorts from hell and unveils her very large demonic breasts. She knew how to get the party started. She is also the only thing I liked about this movie. Her presence in this movie shows how absolutely vital the B-movie babes are. This movie was heading for the landfill until she showed up. Sometimes the B-movie women are the only thing that makes these movies watchable. This was one of those times.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Moniques for the B-movie damned