"Xtro II: The Second Encounter" review

Xtro II: The Second Encounter (1990)

Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Writers: John A. Curtis Edward Kovach

Jan-Michael Vincent ... Dr. Ron Shepherd
Paul Koslo ... Dr. Alex Summerfield
Tara Buckman ... Dr. Julie Casserly
Jano Frandsen ... McShane
Nicholas Lea ... Baines

A couple of B-movie scientists send three human guinea pigs into another dimension to see what horrible trouble they can get into. One doomed soul returns with an alien gestating in her womb. Xtro comes out to play as it bursts out of her stomach and makes a run for the air duct. Xtro plays hide and seek with the idiots in the lab as it pops its head out just long enough so that he can kill them.

Another exciting video box cover. Another crash landing once you hit play. Maybe I should just stare at the box cover and imagine my own movie from now on. "Xtro II" is a typical B-movie rip-off. It's video box cover proudly tells you that it's a hybrid of "Alien" and "Predator". There is no better marketing for a B-movie than to bombard your brain with thoughts of better movies so that you can be suckered into renting it. "Xtro II" exists to steal every Sci-Fi monster movie idea from the 80's and then recycle them for your supposed viewing pleasure.

"Xtro II" is a harmless monster movie that will flash before your eyes and leave no trace of its existence in your memories. It doesn't need to be seen because you've probably already seen it. If you've seen "Alien" and "Aliens" you've already witnessed the best ideas "Xtro II" has going for it.

One last thought, what is it about secret labs that drives monsters crazy? I'm not sure. The producers love labs because that allows them to save money by keeping the action on one or two sets. That leaves more money for the inevitable sequel: "Xtro III: The Third Lab Encounter". Then you can reuse the set from that movie for "Slither Critters: Lab Armageddon". The B-lab massacre must live on.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 alien predator critters

"Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" review

Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (2008)

Director: Keith J. Crocker
Writers: Keith J. Crocker Keith Matturro

Tatyana Kot ... Natasha
Steve Montague ... Wolfgang
Wayne Chang ... Gen. Yugosami
Minerva Borack ... Mrs. Schultz
Jonathan Brown ... Berkenholtz
Brandon Slagle ... Russian Prisoner #1 / Nikolai
Russ Russo ... Russian Prisoner #2 / Sergei
Brenda Cooney ... Lucille
Christina Zuber Crocker ... Fritz
Tammy Dalton ... Candice
Charles Esser ... Helmut Schultz
Heather Leonard ... Israeli Soldier #1

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "Blitzkrieg", but "Gothkill" and "The Bloody Ape" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

The Nazi's are at it again. They're running a sadistic prisoner of war camp where torture and murder are everyday occurrences. A redheaded Russian fighter gets brought to the camp and is beaten to within an inch of her life. She becomes the focal point of the commanders obsession but she won't give in to his cruel abuse. The Nazi's have to call in their Japanese allies to break her as only an imperial soldier can. The rest of the prisoners plot an escape while the Nazi's talk and talk and talk so much that their inane dialogue makes the camp run riot.

We saved "Blitzkrieg" for the finale because it looked like it was going to deliver an over the top sleaze fest. At this point in the B-movie marathon we were expecting great things. We even took a dinner break after the first two movies so that we could be ready for the carnage that was about to be unleashed.

But "Blitzkrieg" surprises you by not going for the blood and guts jugular. And when I say surprises you, I mean disappoints you. Talk about a missed opportunity. "Blitzkreig" wastes a lot of time having banal conversations when it should have been showing us what the head female prison guard can do with a knife, handcuffs and some time to kill.

When jumping into the Naziploitation genre, (surely the lowest exploitation genre there is), certain elements have to manifest themselves in the film. Torture, sex, blood, guts, and other visceral fun must be presented in the sleaziest way possible. "Blitzkreig" is actually under the illusion it's a real movie about a prisoner of war camp. In one of the interviews on the DVD, the director states that he could have made the whole movie a catalog of violent scenes but he didn't want to do that. Why the heck not? Why make a movie like this at all if you weren't prepared to at least try to outsleaze "Ilsa" or "SS Hell Camp"?

Even though the movie fails to be a successful addition to the nasty Nazi genre, it does manage to have a few exploitation scenes that are worth checking out. The redheaded Russian girl, (Tatyana Kot), deserves special mention as she takes the most punishment while carrying the exploitation load for the movie. There is a great scene where she relieves a soldier of his weapon (a la "I Spit on your Grave"), and then runs through the woods naked while blasting soldiers with a machine gun. When the Nazi's finally catch her, they put her through various maniacal tortures that keep her screaming for the rest of the movie.

But "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" disappointed me and the rest of the B-movie marathon attendees. We had high hopes going into it but the movie was too long and boring to give us the blood soaked finale we were hoping for. Oh well. We'll just move on until the next B-movie triple feature.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 screaming Tatyanas

"The Bloody Ape" review

The Bloody Ape (1997)

Director: Keith J. Crocker
Writers: Keith J. Crocker George Reis

Bob Ceislick ... Hippie
Christina Zuber Crocker ... Lady who has her car stolen by ape
Kevin Crocker ... Officer O' Flannery
Yalcin Cucyuksel ... Kapinsky
Domenique ... Rabbis Wife
Salvatore Finkel ... Rabbi Rabinowitz
Michelle Furnaux ... Gingers Roomate #1
Arlene Hansen ... Ginger
George Reis... LoBianco / Ape
Paul Richichi... Lampini

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "The Bloody Ape". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "The Bloody Ape", but "Gothkill" and "Blitzkreig: Escape from Stalag 69" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

Carnival barker Lampini decides he's taken enough abuse from the various dolts in his life and unleashes his secret weapon on them. His pet gorilla is let off the leash and proceeds to attack anyone on Lampini's enemy list. His enemy list is long and thankfully includes a few naked women for the ape to molest. Soon a buffonish cop is on the trail of the mad gorilla but decides the case is too difficult to solve so he tries to dump the blame on an innocent black guy. Can anyone stop this banana addicted ape from continuing his simian rampage?

"The Bloody Ape" is a cheap knock-off of Poe's "Murders in the Rue Morgue". Actually, I don't think cheap is a strong enough word to describe this movie's production values. Rinky-dink comes to mind. Shoddy, mangy, two-bit, are all fine words to describe how much resources were expended to make this movie. It's filmed to look like it was made in the 70's but I doubt 70's drive-in movies looked this cruddy.

So if they didn't take the time to make the movie look good, what did they spend their money on? It wasn't the actors as the entire cast took bad acting to new lows. Although the guy playing the cop was hilariously bad. There was one scene where he yells out something like, "I'm trying to solve a murder here!", that had us laughing hysterically. We rewound that scene three or four times to savor every second of his horrible, hammy acting.

So a gorilla attacks a bunch of people as bad actors wander aimlessly around hoping something interesting happens. There were a few scenes where the ape paws at some naked women but it wasn't too thrilling. "The Bloody Ape" seemed like it was heading for the landfill until something brilliant happened.

In the middle of the gorillas rampage he attacks a woman and then gets in her car. He turns the car on and starts driving down the road! This scene had us laughing for a good five minutes. Seeing the gorilla cruise down the street with his arm out of the window is a classic B-movie moment that I will cherish. It's a unique scene as no other movie has dared have a scene where a gorilla goes for a joy ride.

So if you need a laugh or two watching a worn-out ape jack a car, "The Bloody Ape" could be seen once. Of course it's not a good movie but the gorilla's driving scene saves the day and it became the highlight of our triple movie marathon. We were now ready to move on from ape car thieves to SS camp exploitation.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 joy riding apes

"Gothkill" review

Gothkill (2009)

Director: JJ Connelly
Writer: JJ Connelly

Anastacia Andino... DJ Demon
Eve Blackwater... Kate
Juliya Chernetsky... Demonatrix
Michael Day... Lord Walechia
Frank Dudley... Father Connelly
Flambeaux... Nick Dread
Erica Giovinazzo... Annie
Vlad Marco... Tarot Card Reader
Julie Saad... Witch
Sky Claudette Soto... Go Go Dancer

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "Gothkill". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "Gothkill", but "The Bloody Ape" and "Blitzkreig: Escape from Stalag 69" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

"Gothkill" is about the ancient art of killing Goths. A Catholic priest was burned at the stake during the Inquisition for not jumping on the innocent killing bandwagon. The priest decides he's had it with two faced Catholicism and wants to be with someone he can trust. The Devil of course. Now there's a guy known for his honesty. The Devil makes the priest a deal. If he can ship off enough souls to Hell, the Devil will cut out a piece of the underworld just for him. It takes the priest a few centuries but he finally gets close to his Satanic magic number. All he needs is a few Goths to kill. Thankfully, there's a club full of them and the devil will soon get an overabundance of Goths to play with.

"Gothkill" has the look, feel and smell of a bunch of friends getting together to make a Goth slaughter movie. There doesn't seem to be much point to this flick other than to give the filmmakers an excuse to get the gang together so they could have some fun pretending to kill each other. All roads lead to the climatic scene where the priest goes to town on the Goths in a NYC club. This orgy of gore leads to a more pleasant orgy scene down in Hell where the priest amuses himself with an excessive amount of Goth torture. The movie title doesn't lie. You want dead Goths? "Gothkill" is the movie for you. Goth slaughter awaits.

But while seeing dead Goths piled to the ceiling can be amusing, it's not enough to make a solid B-flick. "Gothkill" is not entertaining enough to compensate for its many other faults. Bad acting, cheap effects, etc. "Gothkill" tries its best to show you the joys of killing freaks but it didn't thrill me too much. My friends agreed and we decided to move on with our triple feature. Goodbye Goths. Hello Bloody Ape.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead goths

"Dark Reel" review

Dark Reel (2008)

Director: Josh Eisenstadt
Writers: Josh Eisenstadt Aaron Pope

Lance Henriksen ... Connor Pritchett
Daniel Wisler ... Tall Man
Edward Furlong ... Adam Waltz
Tiffany Shepis ... Cassie Blue
Rena Riffel ... Detective LaRue
Tate Hanyok ... Elizabeth
Alexandra Holden ... Scarlett May
Mercedes McNab ... Tara Leslie
Brooke Lyons ... Tanya Kismen

I brought "Dark Reel" over to my friend's house so we could explore another Tiffany Shepis B-flick. We've seen her in numerous movies and needed to take in another Shepis adventure. As luck would have it, my friend's girlfriend and her sister just happened to be there that night. They would also know the joy of watching Tiffany scream.

"Dark Reel" is about death, murder and Edward Furlong. Furlong is a B-movie fan who wins a contest to be an extra in a Tiffany Shepis movie. My God, he's hit the jackpot. Tiffany is filming a pirate movie and Furlong gets the chance to plunder and pillage her body. A masked killer is also stalking the set which is not nearly as interesting as watching Furlong make moves on Shepis. Tiffany starts falling for Furlong's abundant geeky charm. Of course she does. What woman can resist a B-movie fan? But Furlong and Shepis have to be careful as nothing brings out blood thirsty slashers and ghosts faster than a scream queen making sweet love to one of her fans.

So the killer slashes his way through the cast while the police question the weird newcomer to the film, the dreaded and feared B-movie fan. They're all crazy. Anyone who would sit through these movies and call them entertainment must be insane. The police are sure that Furlong is gutting the actors so he can advance up the B-movie food chain. But the police will never grasp the complexities of the violent movie fan. It's much more fun to watch than to participate. It's the essence of being a voyeur and Furlong just likes to watch Tiffany do her B-movie thing. Don't we all?

"Dark Reel" is a fair B-flick. It had the potential to be an interesting twist on the slasher movie but it just ends up getting more ridiculous as it goes on. There's a back story about a murdered actress haunting the set but it felt like it was inserted into the movie just to distract us from the fact that we're watching a typical slasher movie. There are a few gory spots but nothing that will make you squirm. But on the plus side, "Dark Reel" hums right along and doesn't cause too much pain. Tiffany gets topless on a couple of occasions and each time was a cause for rejoicing.

My friend and I were satisfied with our latest Shepis adventure. Each time Tiffany got topless, we made sure to point her out to the ladies watching the movie with us. "There's Tiffany Shepis, right there!" I'm sure they appreciate attention to B-movie detail as much as we do. Well, probably not but when you're a B-movie fan, you've just got to share the fun.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Shepis fans

B-movie scream queens often fall in love with their fans. Can you blame them?

"Warrior Queen" review

Warrior Queen (1987)

Director: Chuck Vincent
Writers: Rick Marx Harry Alan Towers

Sybil Danning ... Berenice, Roman ambassador / Swordwoman
Donald Pleasence ... Clodius Flaucus, ruler of Pompeii
Rick Hill ... Marcus, the chariot warrior (as Richard Hill)
Josephine Jacqueline Jones ... Chloe, the senior slave (as J.J. Jones)
Tally Chanel ... Vespa, the new blonde slave
Samantha Fox ... Philomena / Augusta, Clodius' wife (as Stasia Micula)
Suzanna Smith ... Veneria, the experienced blonde slave

I rented this one from my terrible local video store. Why do I keep going back there? It's probably because they have such an eclectic variety of B-movies to choose from. Not only is Sybil Danning in this one but it also has porn legend Samantha Fox. If you saw "Dracula Exotica", you know what I'm talking about.

As for "Warrior Queen", let's just say it's not Fox's finest work. Speaking of career lows, Donald Pleasence shows up as the ruler of Pompeii. He tries to impress Warrior Queen Sybil Danning but it's to no avail. Danning is so bored with this movie she looks like she's going to fall asleep. One of Pleasance's party tricks is to release doves and then try to catch them with a butterfly net. He runs around and acts completely insane which surprisingly doesn't endear him to Queen Danning. At this point in the movie I had to stop and ask myself, why did I rent this garbage? Then, right on cue, an orgy broke out. Ahh ha. I knew there was sleaze hiding here somewhere.

"Warrior Queen" is an exceedingly lame B-movie with a great video box cover. There's just something about a picture of barbarian women with the name Sybil Danning on the top that I find hard to resist. There are a few violent scenes as various gladiators do battle with each other as lamely as possible. There's also a thrilling volcano explosion that was lifted from a better movie.

But if you are going to subject yourself to this, make sure you rent the unrated version and your fast forward button is working. You'll have a lot of filler to get through to see the orgiastic excesses of Pompeii. And I don't mean Emperor Pleasance and his lust for dove catching.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Queen Dannings

Achtung Sybil.

"Hospital Massacre" review

Hospital Massacre (1982)

Director: Boaz Davidson
Writers: Marc Behm Boaz Davidson

Barbi Benton ... Susan Jeremy
Charles Lucia ... Harry / Harold (as Chip Lucia)
Jon Van Ness ... Jack
John Warner Williams ... Dr. Saxon
Den Suries ... Dr. Beam

Barbi Benton goes to a hospital and it's a massacre. Various people die horribly as Barbi gets checked out. Years earlier she had rejected some poor young psychos valentine which led to predictably violent results. Her friend ended up paying the price for her cruel dismissal of her would be suitor. Flash forward a couple of years and she has turned into a beautiful woman. Unfortunately her broken hearted childhood admirer still hasn't learned to let go and stalks her at a hospital. Her bloody Valentine will not let her leave the hospital until it's a complete massacre.

I enjoyed "Hospital Massacre". It was a ridiculous slasher flick but very entertaining in its own brain dead way. Benton pops into the hospital for some test results and won't leave until every single person has been killed. There are plenty of gory scenes to enjoy as Benton makes her rounds. Every medical instrument gets used in an attempt to end all human life at this hospital. Heads are lopped off, axes are stuck in skulls and various other people meet untimely ends.

Of course I never could figure out exactly what was wrong with Benton that she needed to be in the hospital in the first place. But I'm not a doctor. Oh wait, I guess I am. Although I'm not exactly sure what was ailing Barbi, her doctor had to take her shirt and bra off to diagnose the problem.

The highlight of the movie was Barbi getting examined by a horny doctor. His stethoscope was scanning every inch of her chest to find that elusive heartbeat. "Breathe in", he would say as Barbi's chest rose. He would follow that with, "Breathe out" and Barbi's breasts would fall. He gave this instruction about 5-10 times. I appreciate that level of professionalism. He had to get at the root of the problem. The problem, of course, was Barbi's bra. It was way too confining. It had to go. Problem solved.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Barbis

"Talk Dirty" review

Talk Dirty (2003)

Director: Clark Stewart
Writer: Martin Olmedo

Nichole McAuley ... Det Allison Germanetti (as Nicole)
Lezley Zen ... Tina (as Lesley Zen)
Monique Alexander ... Stacie
Kaylynn ... Maria
Ann Marie ... Violet

Oh Cinemax. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I caught "Talk Dirty" on that great late night cable station which is really the only place to see such fine cinema. I saw that Lezley Zen was in it and was ready to hear some dirty talk. Cinemax has brought us so much softcore joy over the years that I felt certain that this would be another winner.

"Talk Dirty" is about sex and talking dirty. A cable talk show host is killed. Fortunately, she manages to get in a lesbian sex scene before she passes on to that adult talk show in the sky. Soon a hot blonde detective will be on the case. More people get killed while other people have sex. To paraphrase "Full Metal Jacket", the dead only know one thing, it is better to be having sex. The movie ends with a little more sex.

"Talk Dirty" is a fine softcore flick. All of the women were hot and the sex was pretty good too. Lezley Zen was looking especially good with her outrageously hard body. My vote for hottest scene goes to the blonde and her boyfriend getting it on in the bathtub. Now that's a good ending. They could've talked a little dirtier but I guess they were trying to get clean. Words would've just slowed them down.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 babes of Cinemax

Everything Zen.

"Shadowzone" review

Shadowzone (1990)

Director: J.S. Cardone
Writer: J.S. Cardone

Louise Fletcher ... Dr. Erhardt
David Beecroft ... Capt. Hickock
James Hong ... Dr. Van Fleet
Frederick Flynn ... Tommy Shivers
Shawn Weatherly ... Dr. Kidwell
Miguel A. Núñez Jr. ... Wiley

A group of scientists are conducting dream experiments in an underground lab. They accidentally kill one of the volunteers so the marines get called in. It turns out that the scientists have unleashed a creature from the dream dimension or Shadowzone. The creature fills you with your greatest fears and then destroys you. Soon many victims will wander off down dark hallways in search of their B-movie doom.

Another underground laboratory. Another monster attacking. Another B-movie "Alien" rip-off. Another beautiful naked woman lying in a glass tube. Hey, wait a minute, that's kind of new. Oh no. Wait. That was in "Lifeforce". Oh yeah. But the amount of time this female stays in her test tube is much longer than the naked woman in "Lifeforce". In fact, I would venture to say that "Shadowzone" has the longest scene of a naked woman lying in a glass tube in motion picture history. Now that's good cinema.

The rest of the movie has the monster attacking dolts in fairly regular intervals. "Shadowzone" is entertaining in it's own predictable B-movie way. Unfortunately the monster disturbs the naked woman's slumber and the viewer starts weeping. Don't jostle the tube man! Watching naked Sleeping Beauty was the highlight of the movie. The rest was non-tube related.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 naked women in glass tubes

"Demonicus" review

Demonicus (2001)

Director: Jay Woelfel
Writers: Tim Sullivan Jay Woelfel

Gregory Lee Kenyon... James / Tyranus
Venesa Talor... Gina
Brannon Gould... Dino
Kyle Tracy... Joe

A bunch of college students decide to go on a hiking trip. One of them wanders off so he can search a cave for something interesting. You know, like bats, stalactites, remains of an ancient Roman gladiator, etc. He finds some armor so naturally he has to try it on. This unleashes the spirit of K-marticus, the Mighty Cheap. He must now go out into the wilderness to slaughter his friends as cheaply as possible.

Wow. What a stinker. This movie will convince you that anyone on the planet Earth with a camera and $100 can make a movie. I don't think my expectations were too high going in but the mighty K-marticus struck me down with his blue light super saving budget sword. I've been searching for many years but I finally found the bottom of the barrel. "Demonicus" was waiting for me.

There are many things wrong with "Demonicus". I could list them all but that would take too much time. Instead I'm trying to think of something positive to say. Now there's a challenge! Hmmm...There were some gore scenes as K-marticus attacked his friends on a regular basis. Then again, all of the gore scenes were cheap and terrible. I guess that wasn't too positive. Oh well. At least "Demonicus" is over and I never have to see it again. Now that's being positive.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"The Crater Lake Monster" review

The Crater Lake Monster (1977)

Director: William R. Stromberg
Writers: Richard Cardella William R. Stromberg

Richard Cardella... Sheriff Steve Hanson
Glen Roberts... Arnie Chabot (as Glenn Roberts)
Mark Siegel... Mitch Kowalski
Bob Hyman ... Richard Calkins
Richard Garrison ... Dan Turner
Kacey Cobb ... Susan Patterson

A dinosaur/monster/piece of clay that looks like a dinosaur/monster rises up out of the Crater Lake. It is "The Crater Lake Monster". A meteor smashed into the lake which brought the dinosaur/cheap effect to life. Of course it did. Many rednecks will meet their doom wandering anywhere near this prehistoric beast from 20,000 fathoms.

"The Crater Lake Monster" is a cheap monster flick. It's so cheap that it neglects to show it's monster for most of the movie. Instead we are supposed to be entertained by the sight of two hicks trying to be funny. One scene that has burned in my memory is the one where the two hillbillies go bumbling through the woods. As they stumble their way around, obnoxious banjo music keeps blasting on the soundtrack. I want to believe that the filmmakers sincerely thought this scene was supposed to be comedic but it only brings pain and suffering.

Unfortunately the monster scenes are not much better. So a Claymation beast attacks people by the Crater Lake and horror does not ensue. The ending was quite ridiculous. I wouldn't dream of ruining it. If you can make it that far in the movie, you deserve your punishment/reward.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 bumbling hillbillies

"Zoltan, Hound of Dracula" review

Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)

Director: Albert Band
Writer: Frank Ray Perilli

Michael Pataki... Michael Drake / Count Dracula
Jan Shutan... Marla Drake
Libby Chase... Linda Drake
John Levin... Steve Drake
Reggie Nalder... Veidt Smith
Cleo Harrington... Pat Parks

My friend and I saw this one the other day. After it was over, he was demanding the LANDFILL for "Zoltan, Hound of Dracula". But I can't do it. "Zoltan" gave me too much joy to throw on the garbage pile. Not because it was a quality horror film mind you. There's nothing scary about this movie. But because Zoltan cracked me up! My friend feels like "Zoltan" was robbed of its rightful rating and is filing a protest. His dissenting opinion is duly noted.

A bunch of soldiers release Zoltan and his master from their graves. Zoltan has to get to America so he can find the last descendant of Dracula, (Michael Pataki). They can't function unless they are groveling at Dracula's feet. So Zoltan and his master start stalking the latest Dracula while he's on a camping trip. Yes, a camping trip. The rest of the movie has Zoltan doing battle with other dogs while partaking in constant telepathic discussions with his master. "Yes, Zoltan, Yes."

"Zoltan, Hound of Dracula" is hilarious. I laughed through most of it. I especially loved Zoltan's master who was addicted to communicating with the vampire dog telepathically, "Yes Zoltan. Soon we shall strike, Etc." But the true comedy in this movie is Zoltan himself. There's just something comical about a dog with obvious fake fangs trying to bite someone in the neck. Zoltan curls his lips a lot so he can show off his phony fangs. Each time is a guaranteed laugh.

The ending was classic. It leaves open the possibility of a sequel. Dare we dream? Bring on "Zoltan 2"! Yes Zoltan, Yes.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Zoltans

"Bog" review

Bog (1983)

Director: Don Keeslar
Writer: Carl Kitt

Gloria DeHaven ... Ginny Glenn / Adrianna
Aldo Ray ... Sheriff Neal Rydholm
Marshall Thompson ... Dr. Brad Wednesday
Leo Gordon ... Dr. John Warren
Glen Voros ... Alan Tanner
Rohay North ... Chuck Pierce

I had been staring at the video box cover for "Bog" for awhile. There it was, teasing me, daring me to rent it. It knows my weakness. It knows that I must see every terrible monster movie. When you wonder why they keep making these kinds of movies, think of me and my soon to be missed four bucks.

The video box cover for "Bog" had a swamp monster bubbling up out of the water. Or was it bubbling down into the muck? Not sure. It would have been better for all concerned if it had stayed buried in the bog.

A hick goes dynamite fishing and disturbs the creature living in the bog. The beast awakens and attacks anyone who comes near his beloved bog. The sheriff tries to get excited about finding the monster but sheer bog boredom overtakes him. The creature is a tough monster to catch as it is very adept at staying out of sight. It had to be fast on its feet because it didn't want anyone laughing at its outrageously terrible rubber suit.

So swamp thing attacks people and some other stuff happens. This meaningless exercise in B-movie making will pound you into submission. You start the movie, nothing interesting happens and then the movie ends. However, there are a lot of scenes set in the bog. It's a very boggy movie. If you like to look at bogs, this movie is for you. But if bogs aren't your bag, bag this "Bog".

SCORE: 1 out of 4 boggy deaths

"Vampire Seduction" review

Vampire Seduction (1998)

Director: John Bacchus
Writer: John Bacchus

Tina Krause ... Dracoola
Paige Turner ... Dr. Lesbian
Kiki Michaels ... Sexy Business Woman
Dawn Monacco ... Patient
Debbie Rochon ... Waitress Mary
Chelsea Mundae ... Mrs. Seltzer (as Daisy)
Janie ... Patty
Jenna ... Gidget

A vampire tells a loser to go round up some lesbians for her. He runs around town and sees lots of naked women. That's the movie. "Vampire's Seduction" is a simple little film. It really has nothing to do with vampires other than having a topless woman wear a cape. You see, a long cape means she's a vampire. You can't be a lesbian vampire unless you wear the cape. Lesbian vampires have to have some style.

So the loser runs around town and peeps into windows looking for a lesbian treasure trove. Fortunately, every window he looks into has a sex scene about to break out. Each peeping scene looked like it was filmed separately and then stapled together to make a rough facsimile of a movie. Most of the peeping scenes are pretty standard. Nothing to get excited about. I was getting ready to toss this one in the trash but then, near the middle of the movie, there is one particularly hot scene that saves "Vampire's Seduction" from the garbage.

The loser runs up to his latest window and starts spying on a horny slumber party. The girls start making out while in their pajamas and holding stuffed animals. There's something about stuffed animals and girls making out that makes this party extra naughty. This scene also holds the distinction of being the only Chelsea Mundae scene I've enjoyed. She dominates the girls and makes sure there's not a lot of sleeping at the slumber party. Anyway, this scene makes "Vampire's Seduction" worth checking out.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 naughty slumber party action

"Night of the Demon" review

Night of the Demon (1980)

Director: James C. Wasson
Writer: Mike Williams

Joy Allen
Bob Collins
Barrett Cooper ... Reverend McGinty
Michael Cutt ... Prof. Dixon (as Michael J. Cutt)
Shane Dixon ... Monster
Lynn Eastman-Rossi ... Susan Nugent (as Lynn Eastman)
Melanie Graham ... Crazy Wanda
Jennifer West ... Van girl

A professor takes a bunch of students into the woods to find Bigfoot. Along the way, the group flashes back on various gory murders that the monster has committed. You'd think that the stories of blood and guts would discourage them from finding the beast. Nope. They want it all. Unfortunately for the group, Bigfoot doesn't like to be tracked down and proceeds to rip and tear his way through his loyal admirers.

"Night of the Demon" is the goriest Bigfoot movie ever made. It looks cheap but the gallons of blood flying around make up for its low production values. The best scene has Bigfoot attacking two girl scouts. You'll know that they're girl scouts because they wear bright white T-shits that say GIRL SCOUTS on them. The scouts are carrying knives so Bigfoot grabs their wrists and makes them stab each other over and over. Good thing they wore those t-shirts so Bigfoot could know who he's slaughtering.

There are plenty of other quality gore scenes in "Night of the Demon" for the viewer to enjoy. One scene has some dolt in a sleeping bag being swung around like a rag until Bigfoot gets bored and slams him into a tree. Another scene has a guy going to the bathroom on Bigfoot's head. This does not sit well with the monster. He proceeds to reach out and relieve him of his offending male appendage. Needless to say, I had to rewind each of these scenes so I could enjoy the Bigfoot bloodbath again.

"Night of the Demon" might very well be the best Bigfoot movie ever made. That's really not saying much as there has never been a movie that captured the beauty and grace of this bloodthirsty monster legend. Of course you couldn't really say that "Night of the Demon" is a well made movie in the technical sense, (bad acting, shoddy effects, etc), but it has enough outrageous gore scenes to make it worth watching. Gory and fun, this Bigfoot deserves a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 GIRL SCOUTS

"Island Claws" review

Island Claws (1980)

Director: Hernan Cardenas
Writers: Jack Cowden Ricou Browning

Robert Lansing ... Moody
Steve Hanks ... Pete Adams
Nita Talbot ... Rosie
Jo McDonnell ... Jan Raines
Martina Deignan ... Lynn
Barry Nelson ... Dr. McNeal
Tony Rigo ... Joe
Raymond Forchion ... Jean (as Ray Forchion)
Dick Callinan ... Frank Raines

Why can't genetic experiments work like they should? They're always in a constant state of going awry. B-movie science produces a never ending stream of disastrous experiments. This in turn creates many monsters for the viewer to enjoy.

This time, science has goofed again and we get killer mutant crabs. The video box cover has a picture of a giant crab crushing a person in its mighty claws. The movie has lots of psycho normal-sized crabs and one large Styrofoam crab beast at the end. When you finally witness the spectacle that is a giant rubber crab attacking, you'll realize why the filmmakers kept it out of sight. They had to save it for the climax to prevent you from laughing all the way through the movie.

After suffering through "Tail Sting", I didn't have high hopes for "Island Claws". Since I was still in the mood to watch a giant animal attack, I had to jump back into the genre. Although "Island Claws" is nowhere near a good movie, it was more enjoyable than "Tail Sting". "Island Claws" is vaguely amusing. The battle with the giant crab at the end is good for a few laughs. Other than that, "Island Claws" is a typical B-flick. Nothing to get excited about as you'll forget the movie the second it's over.

While I found it a little amusing to see the giant crab prop get beaten up, I can't in good conscience recommend this movie. You probably shouldn't let your video renting plans for the evening go awry with "Island Claws".

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 angry crabs

"Tail Sting" review

Tail Sting (2001)

Director: Paul Wynne
Writers: Timothy Griffin Peter Soby Jr.

Laura Putney ... Dr. Jennifer Ryan
Robert Merrill ... Captain Jack Russell (Pilot) (as Christian Scott)
Shirly Brener ... Shannon
Gulshan Grover ... Yaffi
Tara Price ... Courtney
Jean Carol ... Flight Attendant Patti
Elizabeth Perry ... Jodie Shawback

My friend and I watched this one the other day. Giant scorpions are running amok on an airplane. They're being experimented on for some reason or another. A bunch of bad actors run around the plane as pathetic special effects snap at them with their rubber claws. There are various emergencies and sub plots that have nothing to do with scorpions but have everything to do with distracting you from thinking about all the time you're wasting watching this flick.

When "Tail Sting" was over, my friend and I discussed the merits of what we had just seen. It took about a minute before we came to an agreement. LANDFILL. Throw this garbage on the pile. Bash the foam scorpions over their muppet heads and toss them in. I'll rev up the bulldozer and bury them as deep as I can.

I don't think enough bad things can be said about this movie. Once again I expected too much from a B-movie. I wasn't expecting "Snakes on a Plane" but I was hoping there would be something amusing watching scorpions run around the cockpit. It would be tempting to call "Tail Sting" a comedy but that might imply I enjoyed it. "Tail Sting" is either trying to be a comedic take on monster movies or it is attempting to be as good as it can on its $500 budget. Either way, it was a disaster.

I'm not going to mince words here. "Tail Sting" is worthless. Why even attempt to make a monster movie when you know you can't possibly come close to making an entertaining film? The only way you could possibly like this movie is if you really love watching bad movies and get a laugh out of watching cheesy special effects in action. If that's your thing, you might get into "Tail Sting". As for me, I was in pain. Time to bury the muppet scorpions and move on.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"The Midnight Meat Train" review

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Director: Ryûhei Kitamura
Writers: Jeff Buhler Clive Barker


Bradley Cooper ... Leon
Leslie Bibb ... Maya
Brooke Shields ... Susan Hoff
Vinnie Jones ... Mahogany
Barbara Eve Harris ... Detective Lynn Hadley
Peter Jacobson ... Otto
Stephanie Mace ... Leigh Cooper
Ted Raimi ... Randle Cooper
Nora ... Erika Sakaki
Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson ... Guardian Angel

A photographer sets out to capture a shot of the real city. He's been criticized for running from danger so he decides to head out into the night to see what kind of trouble he can get into. It doesn't take long before he stumbles upon a mysterious butcher that likes to ride the subway train all night. The butcher is stalking his prey so he can turn the subway into a meat train. A midnight meat train if you will. Heads are crushed and eyes are gouged as the butcher goes about his business of preparing the meat for delivery. The photographer tries to convince someone that there's a madman loose in the subway but no one will listen to his insane ramblings. He knows he has to go all the way and follow the meat train to the end of the line.

I read this Clive Barker story many years ago and always thought it would make a cool movie. If nothing else, I wanted to see the words "Midnight Meat Train" on a movie theater marquee. I actually did get to see that as "Midnight Meat Train" played (very) briefly in one theater before shuffling off to video stores. I'm not sure why it didn't play in more theaters as it's a solid horror flick.

"Midnight Meat Train" is a fun, gory ride. It had everything I wanted in a mad butcher on a subway train movie. The butcher had a large bag of tricks to unleash on anyone foolish enough to be riding the subway at midnight. The meat train was soaked with blood and guts by the time it reached it's destination.

There's just something gratifying about watching a movie called "The Midnight Meat Train". Only horror fans would even think about checking this movie out. You know you're in good company. I had a good time watching the butcher go about his bloody business. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 midnight butchers

"Overnight" review

Overnight (2003)

Directors: Tony Montana Mark Brian Smith

Jeffrey Baxter ... Himself (as Jeffrey 'Skunk' Baxter)
Emmanuelle Béart ... Herself (archive footage)
Chris Brinker ... Himself
Jake Busey ... Himself
Gordon Clark... Himself
Billy Connolly ... Himself
Jim Crabbe ... Himself
Willem Dafoe ... Himself
Vincent D'Onofrio ... Himself
Marie Duffy ... Herself
Robert Duffy ... Himself
Tate Duffy ... Himself
Taylor Duffy ... Himself
Troy Duffy ... Himself
Tyson Duffy ... Himself
Cassian Elwes ... Himself
Sean Patrick Flanery ... Himself
Jason Flom ... Himself
John Goodman ... Himself
Shaun Hill ... Herself
Ramses Ishak ... Himself
Jimi Jackson ... Himself
Ron Jeremy ... Himself
Matthew Modine ... Himself
Tony Montana ... Himself

Mark Brian Smith... Himself
Patrick Swayze... Himself
Mark Wahlberg... Himself
Sharon Waxman... Herself
Harvey Weinstein... Himself (as Harvey)
John West... Himself
Billy Zane... Himself

"Overnight" is the tale of a battle between two bullies. One, (Harvey Weinstein, ex-Miramax kingpin), does battle with arrogant newcomer Troy Duffy. Duffy becomes famous overnight when Weinstein awards him fame and fortune for his script for "Boondock Saints". Not only does Weinstein buy the script, he also lets Duffy direct the movie. The Hollywood dream gets sweeter for Duffy when a record company wants to sign his band as well. And just to add a little extra magic to the fairy tale, Weinstein agrees to buy the bar he used to work at, (J. Sloans, now Villa), and let him run it. Could life get any better for Duffy? What could possibly go wrong?

Well, apparently everything. It doesn't take long for all of this success to rush to Duffy's head and turn him into one of the most insufferable jackasses you've ever had the displeasure of meeting. His friends get together to film the making of "Boondock Saints" but instead end up making a documentary of a man corrupted by his own out of control hubris. Most of the documentary focuses on Duffy giving dead serious speeches to his friends about how great he is. His friends have that glazed over look in their eyes as they subject themselves to his endless tirades. Soon most of Hollywood is sick of him too but Duffy doesn't seem to notice. He's too busy being in love with himself to care.

One of the cliches used to describe Hollywood is "It's high school with money". "Overnight" certainly lives up to that description. Weinstein was in love with Duffy at some point but soured on him quickly. After watching this documentary, it's not hard to see why. But apparently when Weinstein sours on you, the rest of Hollywood does too. Duffy tries to keep the momentum going for "Boondock Saints" but keeps running into obstacles. He thinks that Weinstein is out to get him and is blackballing him. The bigger bully won this fight.

"Overnight" is painful to watch. It is agony watching Duffy talk about how fantastic he is and how he is going to rule Hollywood. I had to pause the DVD many times so I could take a break from Duffy's arrogance. But "Overnight" gives a frightening close-up look at a rampaging ego that makes it worth watching. I wanted to feel a little sorry for the guy but I couldn't do it. He dug his own grave and jumped in. Was Duffy always this arrogant or was it just the initial success that changed him into this pompous jerk? It's mind boggling that this guy could treat his friends this way. It's even more mind boggling that he actually wanted to film himself doing it.

But what's even more bewildering about this movie is why would anyone be friends with Duffy in the first place? How did this guy make friends at all? He seems like he would be a good drinking buddy. A lot of the scenes in the movie take place in J. Sloans as Duffy gets hammered night after night. But the minute he sobers up he becomes unbearable. I also wonder why his friends decided to release this movie. I can only assume that they are now his ex-friends. I'm sure Duffy has plenty of those.

One last thought, I have seen "Boondock Saints" and I thought it was OK. My cousins loved that movie and demanded I watch it with them. I thought it was a fair crime movie but "Boondock Saints" has certainly found an audience on video and DVD so maybe there is something to be said about Duffy's skills as a writer/director. The IMDb tells me that there is a "Boondock Saints II" in the works. Will there be an "Overnight 2" to complement the eventual release? Let's hope that Duffy has learned his lesson and stays behind the camera from now on.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Duffys

"Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1" review

Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1 (2008)

Director: Phil Messerer
Writer: Phil Messerer

Devon Bailey ... Helen Baxter
Eilis Cahill ... Lara Baxter
JoJo Hristova ... Mom
Michael Strelow ... Raymond Baxter
Myles MacVane ... Max
Evan Lucas ... Mormon
Peter Morr ... Patrice Duchamp III
Anthony Morelli ... Dad
Samantha Phillips ... Mrs. Kerrigan

I was sent this DVD. My friend came over so that we could have a horror movie double feature. Nothing says good times like horror movie double feature. It was "Lights Camera Dead" followed by "The Vampire Diaries". I had been shamefully neglecting the DVD's that had been sent to me so I felt the need to have a blowout marathon. My friend agreed it was time for B-movie madness.

But the first step in any good movie marathon is Chipotle. We took out the GPS system so Karen, (the GPS has a female Australian accent), could tell us the most efficient route to Marina del Rey. But since I enjoy tormenting Karen, I often don't listen to her level headed instructions. "In point four miles, turn right at Fiji way. Turn right. I said turn right. Why don't you listen to me you idiot? Sigh.... Recalculating." That's right. I'm smarter than the satellite stalking me from heaven. At least I think I am.

So after dodging traffic accidents and a few missed turns, (why didn't I listen to Karen when I had the chance?!), we finally made it to the Chipotle oasis near the marina. After a satisfying burrito bowl and Negra Modelo, we moved the party over to Pinkberry. We ordered yogurts to go, (Is Pinkberry really yogurt? I don't know but it's tasty.), and headed back home. During the entire drive back, I ignored Karen's pleas to follow her course. She was recalculating throughout the entire trip. I was torturing her so bad with my indifference we had to power her down just to ease her recalculating mind before her mainframe blew and the satellite dropped from the sky.

We had just finished watching "Lights Camera Dead" and decided to jump right into "The Vampire Diaries". A Goth girl goes haywire when she realizes how much she hates her sister and proceeds to cast a spell on her. It's the dreaded Anne Rice curse. Her sister starts to get a nose bleed and doesn't stop bleeding until all the blood has drained from her body. The Goth girl immediately regrets her homicidal decision and wishes she could be with her sister again. As luck would have it, the sister returns from the dead as a vampire. The spell has turned the sister into the undead. She'll need a constant supply of blood to survive and her family is more than happy to help her get it. "The Vampire Diaries" asks the question: How much do you love your family? Would you still love your sibling if she turned out to be a blood sucking vampire? The good news for the vampire girl is that her family does care for her. The bad news is that I did not.

My friend and I had very different takes on this movie. He thought it was pretty good. Good acting, well shot, etc. He was ready to give it a three out of four. But I'm a picky man. I tend to be more critical. "Vampire Diaries" asks questions that I don't care about. This vampiric Addams family can crawl back to the gutter. I didn't care if the sisters learned to love each other again or if the brother could ever figure out what was wrong with his undead sister. By the end, I was so sick of listening to them whine that I wanted the sun to break into the house and melt the ghoulish sister.

While "Vampire Diaries" was a better made film than "Lights Camera Dead", neither one really held my interest. Both needed to embrace their B-movie roots and go for more outrageous horror scenes. Alas, it was not to be. They both tried their best at making a serious movie but I wasn't in the mood for their take on the horror genre. After Chipoltle and beer, you need to keep the party going. I'm an exploitation fan at heart and my double feature let me down.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 living dead girls

"Lights Camera Dead" review

Lights Camera Dead (2007)

Director: Tim Reaper
Writers: Monica Reaper Tim Reaper

Wes Reid... Ryan Black
Amy Lollo... Kari Price
J.C. Lira... Steven Didymus
Monica Moehring... Melanie
Coldon Martin... Ted
Ashby Brooks... T-Love
Stephanie Caston... Kari's mother
Richard Christy... The Composer

I was sent this DVD. My friend came over so that we could have a horror movie double feature. Nothing says good times like horror movie double feature. It was "Lights Camera Dead" followed by "The Vampire Diaries". I had been shamefully neglecting the DVD's that had been sent to me so I felt the need to have a blowout marathon. My friend agreed it was time for B-movie madness.

But the first step in any good movie marathon is Chipotle. We took out the GPS system so Karen, (the GPS has a female Australian accent), could tell us the most efficient route to Marina del Rey. But since I enjoy tormenting Karen, I often don't listen to her level headed instructions. "In point four miles, turn right at Fiji way. Turn right. I said turn right. Why don't you listen to me you idiot? Sigh.... Recalculating." That's right. I'm smarter than the satellite stalking me from heaven. At least I think I am.

So after dodging traffic accidents and a few missed turns, (why didn't I listen to Karen when I had the chance?!), we finally made it to the Chipotle oasis near the marina. After a satisfying burrito bowl and Negra Modelo, we moved the party over to Pinkberry. We ordered yogurts to go, (Is Pinkberry really yogurt? I don't know but it's tasty.), and headed back home. During the entire drive back, I ignored Karen's pleas to follow her course. She was recalculating throughout the entire trip. I was torturing her so bad with my indifference we had to power her down just to ease her recalculating mind before her mainframe blew and the satellite dropped from the sky.

Now I was ready for "Lights Camera Dead". A low budget film crew is trying to complete their zombie flick but little things keep preventing them from achieving success. You know, like money, time, reality, etc. When a disobedient editor tries to get the filmmakers to concede that they only have enough footage for a short film, this leads to murder and a brilliant idea. They decide to add some footage to the film by attacking their hated actors and filming the carnage. There's nothing more dangerous than a determined B-movie director. The actors will pay a heavy price for daring to slow down the movie making machine.

"Lights Camera Dead" is what I would refer to as a camcorder movie. The kind of B-flick that is made in the backyard with a bunch of friends over a long weekend. It's hard to take the hammer to these kind of movies as it's obvious that the people involved are movie fans just trying to take a stab at producing some low budget thrills. But it's even harder to say nice things about it because it is clearly made in somebody's backyard with a bunch of friends over a long weekend.

I tried to give in to "Lights Camera Dead" and it's cheap charm but it was no use. I was hoping for a simple zombie movie but the filmmakers really went out of their way to make an unnecessarily convoluted story. Well, it wasn't that convoluted but it took about an hour before anything remotely horror related happened. The rest of the movie is trying to treat us to the trials and tribulations of making a low budget movie. There are no zombies in "Lights Camera Dead", only filmmakers with insatiable bloodlust. This wasn't the horror movie I wanted to see.

Speaking of horror, where was it hiding in "Lights Camera Dead"? There's nothing scary or particularly gory about the movie. The only thing horrifying about the movie was the fact that they let the woman with the largest breasts keep her top on throughout the entire movie. [Side note: A female reader recently asked me why I wanted every B-movie to have topless women in it. The answer is obvious. They make every pointless movie a little better. If I can't find anything good to say, I can always look back on the breasts. A topless scene lets me know that the filmmakers care.] But "Lights Camera Dead" shamefully kept their lead actress clothed so I must scold it for that.

Overall, I wasn't satisfied with "Lights Camera Dead". It need a little more exploitation, a little more gore and a lot more horror to make it a solid B-movie. But I had some Chipotle so the evening wasn't a total loss. My friend looked a little beat up after this one but after a five minute break we were back at it. The marathon goes on...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 fully clothed dead babes